The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett: The No.1 Celebrity Therapist: The WEIRD Trick To Get Your Sex Life Back, Fix Erections & Increase Fertility!: Marisa Peer

I taught 16,000 therapists.

There's only three things wrong with every person that turns up at your door.

First of all...

Marisa here.

The worldwide renowned therapist.

From royalty international superstars, CEOs and Olympic athletes,

this woman definitely knows a thing or 2,000

about how we take control of our thoughts.

80% of your success is down to your beliefs.

But also damage is so many people because if you're thinking,

I'm not good enough, smart enough, attractive enough,

your mind's job is to make your thoughts real,

even if it's not true.

A classic example of sex.

So many of my clients couldn't conceive

because their husbands didn't have enough sperm.

But when men have sex with a stranger,

they triple their sperm count

and porn really damages so many people

because it's an impossible expectation to live up to.

So many people have affairs,

not because they don't love their partner,

but because they're missing out,

but it's all about what you have chosen to believe.

So you've got to reverse that language.

The other thing that people do a lot,

it really messes up your sex life

to call your partner mommy or daddy because...

Marisa, how do I avoid sugar?

It seems to grab me.

Food has memories, not the chocolate.

It's the feeling you felt when you couldn't have it.

And you can give yourself the feeling without the thing anyway.

It's really easy, too.

How?

Should I hypnotize you so we can change it?

Let's do it now.

Okay, close your eyes.

And here's the magic sentence.

It changes your life.

I got hypnotized.

In this episode, Marisa hypnotizes me

to completely end my sugar cravings,

and you're going to see it happen

and you're going to find out if it works.

So stick around.

Marisa, I've been trying to figure something out.

I've been trying to figure out if we get to choose our beliefs.

Mm-hmm.

And I actually wrote about this in my book recently,

and I feel like you're the person to ask this question,

because I know that our lives are governed by these beliefs

that we have about the world, ourselves, and everything in between.

But can we choose them?

I think so.

You know, when I was here last time, you asked me about my childhood,

which I don't talk about a lot.

It wasn't awful, but it also wasn't amazing.

But the beliefs I had then are so totally different

from the beliefs I have now,

because I chose to give myself better beliefs,

because, you know, you make your beliefs,

and then your beliefs turn right around and make you,

and then confirmation bias means you look for proof

of what you have chosen to believe, and you'll find it.

So if you say, oh, I hate cats,

they're vicious things that scratch you,

they're really aloof, or I don't like dogs,

they're barky, yappy, horrible things,

then if you believe that about a dog,

and you meet a dog, you'll feel so anxious

that that will become true.

You'll say, oh, I love dogs.

They're the most loyal, gorgeous, loving things.

Then you'll have a different energy around them.

So you should choose your beliefs.

You should constantly upgrade, update, question your belief.

Where did I get that from?

Is that true? Who told me that belief?

And even if it's true for them, does it have to be true for me?

You know, I see a lot of women who say things like,

well, you know, if you're really famous and rich,

you'll never find a guy, because 100 years ago,

that was probably true.

Men didn't go for rich, successful women,

because they wanted them at home.

But it's not true now.

So your grandmother's belief is not your belief.

I love my daughter's generation

who don't do body shaming or fat shaming

and have a whole different language,

but I think it's so refreshing.

So you can always choose your beliefs,

and you really should constantly check

why do I even believe that?

Is it even true?

Because so often it's not true at all.

It's just something you've been taught,

or you've just gone along with it anyway.

I like cats then.

You know, I like all animals,

but cats, I do think the way you described them,

they're a little bit scratchy,

sometimes a little bit annoying,

not as loving as dogs,

maybe I'm going to annoy a lot of cat people here.

If that is my belief,

if I say to myself, okay,

cats are wonderful, they're lovely,

they're fantastic, they don't scratch, et cetera,

I feel like I'm just lying to myself.

This is the case with self-belief as well.

I could say that I'm amazing

but in my subconscious mind,

after getting, I don't know, bullied at seven years old

by a kid that called me fat and whatever else,

am I just not lying to myself?

Well, I think you should lie to yourself.

I think you should lie to yourself.

I think you should lie, cheat and steal every day of your life.

Lie to your mind,

cheat fear,

and steal back the confidence you were born with.

So let's imagine you're going for an exam,

I'm going to fail it, I'm going to mess it up,

I've got a terrible memory,

I'm going to read that paper,

my mind's going to go blank and I'm going to blow it.

So that's the belief but you could also say,

I've got a great memory,

everything I studied for this exam is in my head,

when I read the paper,

the questions are going to come up

and I'm going to remember the answers

and I'm super chilled at exams,

I'm cool, calm, collected,

I'm going to ace this exam.

So if you repeat that over and over again,

you see the subconscious doesn't think it just feels.

And if you say I'm nervous,

and the subconscious feels that,

then when you're nervous, the mind shuts down,

all the blood rushes to your heart

and your mind empties.

It's like, if you're crossing a road in a car,

I don't think, should I go left, right, forwards, backwards?

You just move because in fear,

you don't think you move.

So when you're scared, your mind empties.

I remember years ago,

I was coming home and this guy was following me,

and I knew he was following me and I knew I had minutes

to get in my door and I couldn't get the key

and I couldn't remember which way to go.

All the times to forget how this key works,

I lived it for five years,

but I was so scared,

I couldn't remember how to open my door at all

because when you're scared, your brain empties.

And so if you go into an exam going,

I'm scared, I'm nervous,

you won't do well, but if you say,

I got a great memory,

I love exams, I'm excited about this exam,

I'm so excited, I'm going to be assessed,

I'm going to do really well,

or I'm going to do this assessment, I'm going to ace it.

This person's going to love me

that I'm so smart and

my answers will show them that I know

what I'm talking about, the mind doesn't go,

oh come on, that's silly, the mind goes,

okay, whatever you say,

you make it real.

Your mind's job is to make your thoughts real.

The subconscious doesn't think

it only feels,

and if your mind's job is to make your thoughts real,

in your job, you just think better thoughts

all the time.

So imagine you're going to have a needle stuck in your arm,

you go, oh that's going to hurt

and that's going to be so painful,

I always read my phone and if you cough

just as the needle goes in,

it confuses your mind and you don't feel it.

Is that lying?

Or is it just taking your mind somewhere else?

Because I think if I can choose

my beliefs then I can un-choose beliefs,

but I couldn't think of a single belief

I have now that I could genuinely

un-choose, I can say it,

but I think I'd still believe it.

The thing with the mind is

there's a couple of rules of the mind, one is

let me give you a couple that will help you.

Every thought you think

is a blueprint that your mind

and body work to make real.

Every thought you think has a physical reaction

and indeed an emotional response.

And here's another one

the mind learns by repetition.

So when you think a thought a lot

over and over again,

it becomes real even if it's not real.

So if you think a thought,

my neighbor's driving me crazy,

it's so noisy I can never sleep,

I can hear their television,

they're getting on my nerves,

it'll become your reality.

If you say, it's a little bit irritating,

but I can put my headphones on,

I can tune out,

then you'll have a different reaction

to the same event.

We don't have to change events,

we have to change how we think about the events.

It's like saying, oh this commute

to work is killing me.

Being on this freeway

is crazy.

But someone else will go, wow,

I'd love to be on. You've got a car

and you're going to a job and you're getting paid.

That's my fantasy dream

come true.

You don't have to change a thing,

you have to change how you think about the thing.

So that is changing your beliefs.

And a belief is really just the thought you think a lot.

So you're born as a blank slate.

Where did you get those thoughts from?

Who gave them to you?

So the beliefs you think you can't change,

where do the beliefs you think you can't change

come from?

So I think one of the recurring beliefs

I've had about myself,

which I think goes back as long as

I can remember to be honest,

is that I am fundamentally unorganised.

Unorganised, okay.

And I think people will be surprised to hear that because

I'm very, I'd say productive.

My output is high.

But the organisation of my stuff,

even if you looked in my bag,

it would be like a jumble sale.

If I didn't have a cleaning, I think it would be,

you know, it would be like a bomb had gone off in there.

I heard you saying actually on a podcast

that when your hotel room is very messy

and it upsets you,

but not enough to make you change it.

You've been listening.

No, you're right.

I think there's a habit or something that I've built into myself

where I think I've told myself

it's faster to be messy.

Yes.

But then the dissonance or the

issue that I take with it is that's not who I want to be.

I want to be a messy person.

I want to be someone who comes into their hotel room,

goes into their suitcase and hangs everything up

so that tomorrow is easier.

What happens is I dive into the suitcase,

pull my gym equipment out and run to the gym

and it's something I want to change

because it's almost like this concession

in my life where I've gone, well, that's just who I am.

I'm just a messy person

and I think we'll label ourselves.

And of course, when you do that, now you're making it really

say, you know, I can't spell but my dad couldn't spell

and now it's genetic.

Every time you say I'm just a messy person,

the strongest force in you

and everyone in the world is you must act in a way

that utterly matches up with how you

have chosen to define you.

So if you start by changing that

and saying, I love being organized,

it gives me such joy to be on.

I love putting something, you say it, say it, say it,

it will start to change.

So for the last three weeks I've been staying

in a place with an amazing gym

and I started to love working out

with really, really heavy weights

because now I've got run over

and I started to get muscle wastage in my leg.

I was going, I love heavy, heavy weights.

I love it. And I was really a Pilates

yoga person but for the last three weeks I get up

and I'm in the gym at half seven going, well, I love

heavy weights. And I didn't like it

before but I decided

to say it over and over again

because when you say, state

and affirm something,

your mind must make it real.

So all you have to do really is to start saying a lot.

I love being organized.

It gives me immense joy to put stuff

where I love it when everything's in its place

and I'm in a hotel.

And when I come back I put my gym

in a particular place

and I love that feeling of being super organized

and very quickly

it will start to change because you're thinking

a thought that your mind has no choice

but to make real.

So interesting.

But it's also true.

You think a thought

and your mind can't help it.

We did that thing with a lemon didn't we

where you think you're eating a lemon.

Have we ever done that?

Put your hand in front of your mouth.

Imagine you're holding

half of a great big fat juicy

lemon. Close your eyes

and just put that lemon right up

to your nose

and breathe in that amazing lemon smell

because nothing really smells quite like a lemon.

Now squeeze that

lemon so hard so that lemon drops

pucker onto the surface.

Stick out your tongue

lick off the lemon

open your mouth really wide

and shove that entire lemon into your mouth

and I want you to start sucking

and biting and chewing all the flesh

literally

bite into that lemon until

the lemon drops burst onto your tongue

and your taste buds

pucker and swell as you start

to chew that lemon, suck that lemon

swirl that lemon

all around your mouth, keep eating the lemon

suck it, chew it, swirl it around

and then open your eyes

did you start pumping out saliva?

Yes I did.

And so here's a question, was there a lemon?

No, there was no lemon.

That's true, there was no lemon

but you could also say yes which is also true

they're both true, no there wasn't

but yes there actually was, where was it?

Where was the lemon that was making you make saliva?

In my head.

In your head, yeah it wasn't anywhere else

it was in your head, just do another one

right arm out, towards me

and just swing your arm behind you

as far as it will go

and have a look at where it's gone, just look behind you

to notice where it is, bring it back

I think you went up to like the third book

on that bookshelf, I want you to imagine

close your eyes

and tell your mind my arm's going to go a third further

I'm now like a bendy

Barbie and Ken doll

my arm is so flexible

it's going further, I want you to imagine

all the muscles in your right arm

becoming super flexible like cookpasta

open your eyes

put your arm out

and say to your arm, you're going a third further now

you're like a pretzel

you're super flexible

go a third further

swing your arm back and just watch as it goes

a third further, now look at how far it's gone

you're only up to the third book before

so what happened then?

I just

just believed my arm was going to go further

and it did

and for men, I get men who say

I can't please my wife

I can't get an erection, I can't keep it going

and she's going to leave me

and if I tell them other things

you're a great lover, you can maintain an erection

for 20 minutes or 10 minutes

or the average is about four and a half minutes

that starts to happen

they don't do anything else, they listen to a recording

that says you have longer erections

you can have a great sex life

you can wait until your partner orgasms

and it all becomes true because every time they say

but I can't do it

it's all over in a minute

I can't please her or him

they actually make that real

but when you just change a thought

you know there's a song

called Love Changes Everything by Climby Fisher

but actually

thoughts change everything

when you think a thought it's such a game changer

erections

it's so interesting

because in my friendship group

with my male friends

we've spoken about sex life

libido

erections

we've all struggled in different ways

at different times

and it's one of the areas in life

where it's so clear to me

that thoughts

are the

problem and the solution

because again if a man thinks about sex

if a picture looks at a movie

and gets aroused

you get a very physical reaction straight away

even if there's no one in the room with you

so that's a classic example of thinking a thought

about being aroused

turned on

feeling sexually attracted and your body makes it

really even if there's no one there and it can be

at a wedding can be an event

it can be highly embarrassing for a guy to get an erection

in the wrong place but if you think a thought

I'm turned on here the body makes it

it does it for women too but it's not so obvious for us

to kind of hide it

but yes it's a thought

I can't do it I can

I'm going to fail I'm going to succeed

do you work with people

often that have sexual dysfunction

all the time

is it becoming more popular or more prevalent

in your view

I think people are more able to talk about it

a lot of women come and say I can't orgasm

I can't orgasm at all

I don't know what to do

all my friends are having massive orgasms

it's no harder it is

I don't think that's true

apparently our grandmothers had more sex than us

but I think now we have all this pressure

we watch porn

we watch other people talking about their amazing sex

we think oh I'm not like that

but it's very easy to make your body super

orgasmic

but I think before we didn't talk about that

my grandmother would have never talked about

orgasms or having a design of a vagina

or a Brazilian didn't even know what that was

so we're in a different generation now

every year

there's another way to hate your body

even your genitals have got to be perfect now

and I think it's so much pressure

for people I've got to look like a porn star

have sex like a porn star

and porn really

damages so many people

because it's such an impossible expectation

to live up to

seems that pressure as it relates to sex

is like the antithesis

it's the enemy of

I can only speak from a guy's perspective

but if there's ever pressure

in the bedroom

there is zero chance I'm getting an erection

of course, because comparison

is a thief of joy

and we're so busy comparing ourselves to porn

stars and someone who looks like the Kardashians

who has a perfect body

and everything's perfect

it's not really like that

have you ever worked with men that have sexual dysfunction issues?

yeah, a lot of them with premature ejaculation

erectile dysfunction

all of it

and I would say if it was me

because I feel like

everyone's got a friend

sounds like I'm talking about myself

but there's a couple of things I'll talk about from my own perspective

in the sexual department

but my friend was in a relationship

he was in the relationship for a couple of years

and then halfway through the relationship

he could no longer

keep an erection and he was talking to me a lot about it

and then

he ended up ending the relationship

because he had convinced himself it was

impossible to change that

and in fact I know a lot of guys that struggle with this

and there was a point where I was one of them

where I just seemed to get this thought in my head

about sex

and I struggled to

to keep an erection

but also just to keep myself

to want sex

there's going to be people listening to this right now

that are in that situation

where something has just changed

every time they go to bed it's just this high pressure situation

they can't get an erection

therefore they're avoidant of having sex

what do you say to those people?

you know it's really interesting

because we want intimacy

we think I want to fall in love with someone

that finishes my sentences

that knows when I'm hungry

that knows I'm having a bad day

that just knows me inside out and loves my very soul

which is wonderful

but what great sex requires is mystery

what eroticism requires is not intimacy at all

so in the beginning

even for the first it's all new

what they're going to do, how they're going to do it

it's all very exciting, it's all new

and so for men especially

you know it's great maybe for the first two years

and then it's like

oh like one of my clients said

every time my husband comes to bed with just his pyjama top on

and they want sex

but it's so unromantic

I mean he just doesn't bother to put the pyjama bottoms on

it's like oh god is that his idea

of foreplay I mean

and like I say you know it's always every Saturday morning

before we go and do the food shop

and it's so predictable

many people have affairs not because they don't love their partner

but because they're missing out

so you have intimacy

which is like the love

being in love and knowing each other

and loving each other

and you know not caring if your wife's got her period

or your husband's got a bit of bad breath

or they're tired or they've got a cold

you just love them anyway but then you have

eroticism which is amazing

great sex and eroticism

likes mystery

suspense, a bit of edginess, a bit of naughtiness

a bit of the unknown

and they don't go together

they really don't go together at all

but there is one thing that makes them go to

and that's called fantasy

there's a bridge that links eroticism

to intimacy and eroticism

and it's called fantasy

well isn't that being unfaithful to my partner

I'm sure I shouldn't fantasize

but actually 50 Shades of Grey

which was not a great book at all

I can fantasize

I can read this book

and I can pretend I'm Anastasia with Mr Grey

and that book

did so well because it allowed people to

fantasize

and so if you have a relationship of 30 years

I mean I'm great friends with

John and Missy Butte to be married for 35 years

they're a couple that

created a life book

they live in Hawaii but they talk a lot about how

they have a very erotic sex life

after 35 years

it's like red-hot

but they understand it's all about

a bit of mystery, a bit of drama, a bit of suspense

I'm very lucky that my husband and I travel all over the world

so we never have all Saturday night

Saturday mornings of sex

and go to Sainsbury's that's just not in our agenda

so we always have a bit of newness going on

but for men

even if you love your partner so much

when it becomes predictable

it's like

the thrill goes

you know that song but where's the thrill gone

the thrill isn't there

so you have to put a bit of work back into making your

sex life thrilling and moving it away

and so it's hard when

you love someone but you know

everything about them and they about you

and it's like well there's no newness here

I go on holiday we have great sex

why is that? well

you don't think about the laundry

or anything else you can just really let go

and you're in a different place and you can be someone else

you often hear about people

going on holiday like girls to a beater

going wild and they would never be like that at home

because it gives you a chance

to be someone else

so sometimes

in your sex life

you have to take that chance

and use drama, mystery, suspense, edginess

just like I was telling

one of my clients I went home and said to my husband

dominate me so what shall I do

she went well dominate me

she said yeah but what she said well that's the point

don't ask me how can you dominate me

if I have to tell you what to do

I want to feel overpowered

by your maleness

when you say well what shall I do

you're more like a girl than a boy

I don't like that because of course opposites attract

especially in sex

even if we're same sex relationships

opposites attract

and that's very exciting when people are together

a long time they try to make their partner

like them and they forget

that opposites attract

so if you keep trying to make your partner

like you and they can try

to make you like them

then you haven't got the opposites attracting anymore

and then it kind of disappears

and the other thing that people do a lot

my grandma used to call her husband dad

or daddy

and that was a bit weird but that was maybe her

it wasn't a sexual thing she said

come on dad get out of the way and what do you want

for tea dad and they had no sex at all

she thought it was the most disgusting thing in the world

but the minute your partner becomes

mommy or daddy

and many women and the best of attention

say things like have you taken your vitamins today

you know wear a coat it's going to get cold

did you pay the bill I knew you wouldn't do that

you're becoming

the critical mommy or loving mommy

and then we have the opposites some men

who are very controlling so you can't have that

you're not going to have that

they become controlling daddy and the minute your partner

is in any way mommy or daddy

you can't have sex with them because

who wants to have sex with their parents that's really weird

and many people don't realize

how as they say in a long relationship

they take on the role of critical parent

blaming parent judging parent

and then

you have no desire left

so you've got to be very careful not to let that

happen and especially when you have

children and then you say mommy

can you get Andy

a tissue daddy

can you get Susie her gym bag

and even though you don't mean it you're now saying

mommy daddy people do that with their pets

even daddy

take Toby for a walk

or mommy

it really messes up your sex life

to call your partner mommy

or daddy

so interesting

even when you were saying then

about the lady that came home and said to her partner

dominate me and he went how

what shall I do

it's the antithesis of domination

but it kind of speaks to

10 years of him

just trying to please her

but also that it's bad community

said hey you know what you do

you do the sandwich you go hey you know

we've been together for seven or eight years

and we're great but you know I've got this thing

I would love you to dominate me like this

I'd love you to pretend to be the postman

or the gardener or I'd love you to pretend

to be someone who would really excite me

if you could do that

because then it would just be exciting and then they go

oh okay I get it I've got to pretend to be the

postman or the gardener or

you know there's a lot of women who couldn't

conceive and this is where I learnt this

from so many of my clients couldn't conceive

because their husbands didn't have enough sperm

but when men have sex with a stranger

they triple their sperm

out taking when women have sex with a stranger

their cervix tilts to suck up the sperm

so when I realised it's a great

book called sperm wars it tells you

okay so I wrote it like I said okay this is what

you've got to do you've got to go home

and pretend you're I don't know

when asked you would ask and your husband

but you mustn't speak because that's going to ruin it

and then have sex

have some kind of fact go to a hotel

of course the men love it I don't want to talk

no talking just act out this

fantasy because he will triple his sperm

out take your cervix will tilt

and it's like it's like IUI

it's like you have more sperm

and so many of my clients said why I got pregnant

you know I've tried all this time but going up the road to the

Holiday Inn pretending he was like the plumber

or anything at all

and that worked we got pregnant

like that because he made so much more

sperm and so

isn't that interesting

that wasn't about fantasy it was about

how can you get more sperm

how can you become more fertile what can you do

and these were just silly little things

that help men and women who

were trying really hard to have a low

sperm count get pregnant

why does that happen

why does the sperm count triple in the cervix tilt

well let's imagine

you know that we're in a tribe

and there's some people there

and nature the human

species must go on so

for men when they impregnate the same

person over and over again they've made her pregnant

many times but a new person

if you can get a new person pregnant straight

away that's how the human race

continues you know one

of my friends was telling me this story about

in New Zealand with the rams and he said

you know you would buy the male rams and you

drive them to the field and they could smell the females

they started ramming the door that's why they called rams

and when you finally get there you open the gate

and they charge out they have sex with

every female and when they come back

they've lost half their body weight

in a really bad way but they have to have

sex with every single female

every you

so it's just

an evolutionary of making sure

the species goes on

so what does that say about monogamy

but this is not, nature doesn't care

but nature cares about the species continuing

nature doesn't care about monogamy

its role is to make sure we continue

but yes of course we want to be monogamous

so what do you do

we use that very thing if

being with someone new excites me

and gets me going

why can't I pretend my partner is someone

new and of course you can

you can do all kinds of great things

you can introduce newness don't always have sex

in the same place at the same time

it's a little tiny bit of effort

but do something to make it new and exciting

so you would recommend spending

time apart as well

yes I mean I've been with my husband

for 15 years

we've only spent 11 days

apart and we work together

so you know that thing about living over the shop

so we work together

we're together all the time

but we have a great sex life because

we both understand what makes it tick

which isn't necessarily being apart

but yeah being apart is great too because

you can't wait to come back to that person

a lot of people will listen to all of this

and think God I'd love to do that

I want him to turn me into a maid

turn me up and surprise me or whatever

but if I even mention

this to him he would look at me like

I've got you know a tail

look at me like I was weird

well part of having a great relationship

is doing for the other so if I said

to my husband I'm not hungry

so we're not eating I'm not tired

so we're not going to bed I'm not cold

so the heating's not coming on he'd look at me like

I was mad because part of that is

I'm not really hungry but you want to go out for dinner

we'll go and it really want to go

to this event I don't know what

go to a football match but it's

important to you so I will go because

in a relationship you do for each other

if your partner says I would love

you to put a little maid's outfit and run around

with the dust it would be so amazing

I don't want to do that isn't it

Draugr do you think well maybe I could just try it

once if I don't like it and never have to do it

again maybe it would be red

hot it's not about being objectified

so if you

love someone and

assuming their fantasy isn't dangerous or painful

or super weird

why not just see if you can do it

and then you can say hey if I do

that you can do this because it's trading

all the time and there's nothing

wrong with that that's the same thing

my husband if I'm tired my husband will say

I'm going to make you something to eat or I'm going to

drive you I'm going to do that for you because he loves

me and I'm the same with him

but people think oh I shouldn't why should I have sex

I'm tired why should I do that and

the worst thing is that I don't want sex

anymore so you can never have sex again

either which is very weird

because why would you condemn your partner

to no sex ever just

because you don't want to have sex and imagine

it was the other way around because isn't a

relationship doing for each other even if

it's not really your thing

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thank you so much for your time back to this episode

so many questions to ask on this because I'm just

thinking about all the conversations I've had with my

friends recently about sex and their relationships

and I've got another friend who is

in a relationship it's

become a sexless relationship he's

staying with her I think in part

because she's really

nice but why has it become sexless

um

that's a good question that I wouldn't know

without asking him but I'll tell

what he's told me he's

told me how much he wants to have sex with other people

mm-hmm and

he actually described it as like

a temptation that he just

he is like as if he's possessed

mm-hmm he says every five minutes someone

will walk past nothing about having sex with him like he's absolutely

obsessed with it but not with her

not with her

she wants to settle down

mm-hmm because she's at an age

and phase of life where she feels that

she kind of needs to hurry up

mm-hmm these are just words that I'm repeating that

he's told me and so he feels

a bit stuck where he's got this partner

who wants to settle down he

clearly doesn't want to settle down and he's

thinking about having sex with everyone else

and he's not having sex with her and that's

how he's escaping he probably

doesn't want to settle down and have children

but feels he should sounds like he wants to

become a success and now he's thinking about

having sex that's his way out

you know oh he can't say to her look

you know I love you but I'm not ready for that

that five years down the line

for me so his mind is doing it

he thinks he wants to have sex with everyone but her

he feels pressurized because of his time thing

because his mind is saying you're not ready

you're not ready you know often we

have dreams that say I'm not ready

or wow I thought I wanted to do this

but my dream said oh no you don't want to do that

at all but the desire

he's in other people is his body saying

you are not ready to be with her you'll be

with anyone else but her and you should really

just tell her the truth and say look

I'm not at that stage you're at

I'm just not ready for that

yet because you see

when you can't open your mouth and say

I'm not ready or I'm not

comfortable or not happy the body goes I'll do it

I'll do it for you and I see

that with all my clients not just sexually

when you can't say

one of my clients told me years ago

that he got fired from his job

and he couldn't tell his wife so every day

picked up his briefcase and went and sat in the park

and then he got really

sick and then she said you're so sick

you can't go you'll have to resign he went okay

and he never had to tell her

that he'd lost his job because the body made

him so ill that he would have lost his job anyway

so you know I love

this expression the feeling that

cannot find his expression in tears will make

other organs weep

and so he's got a feeling that he can't

express and when you can't open

your mouth and go

I don't want to do that

the body said I'll do it for you

and it finds really peculiar

obscure often really

helpful ways of doing it for us

how does he know though that

it's a case of him not being

ready or

even in my case when I was 24-25 years old

I'd just self-sabotage any

sign of commitment

let's talk about that so let's go back to your

24 years old oh for my entire

I mean it starts at 14

we're not being committed at 14

we start fencing people 24

and you fancy people and you're a very good looking

guy and you've obviously had some relationships

tell me about the self-sabotage

it started with Jasmine

Jasmine was with

a guy called

I probably shouldn't name him but I'll call him John

Jasmine and John

they were in a relationship I really fancy Jasmine

she's gonna hear this but she knows already

fancied her for about three years

pursued her doggedly from like 14

till 17 really 18

and there was a day

where like Jasmine gave me

a chance finally she was in a relationship

with this guy called John

and on that day

I got terrified

and I

kind of remember persuading her out of it

even though I'd pursued her for years

and then as I looked through my early sort of

20s the same sort of recurring behavior

pattern showed up where I would

at any sign of commitment I would

come up with a reason why I couldn't commit

I'm busy I need to become a millionaire

this will get in the way of my work

da da da da da

this is the oldest trick in the book

you pursued Jasmine she wasn't available

she was with someone else

when she became available you thought oh no

because now she could reject you

now she could say when she was with someone else

it was a dream I'd love to get that go

when you had the chance it's like oh

she could find out I'm not worthy

she could find I'm not good enough

I can give you context as to how it felt

the idea of commitment felt like prison

of course yeah you've said that before

and so of course if your end goal

commitment is prison

being stuck with one person is prison

your mind says I've got to get you out of this

so it's all fine to

have flings but the minute commitment comes up

you back out because

that's going to jail you don't want to do that

so that's really normal

when you say things like oh I'm going to be

tied down

I'm nailed down oh

that's it now no more fun

and people say things like you two are one now

and may all your problems

be fatal ones and

sometimes we don't like that

it's like oh I don't like that idea

and all the vows about to love, honor

and obey to forsake all others

we think do I really want that

but you were adamant that you didn't

want that that a relationship was

prison so when you tell your mind I don't

want it

the mind must get you out of it if you say

oh god I've got to give that speech I don't want to do it

I want to do it I want to do it

don't be surprised on the day of the speech

there's a terrible cold and migraine

and your mind goes you said you didn't want to go

and I'm so cool I got you out of it

because the mind listens

every thought you think it listens to

it's like a genie your wish

is it's come on to your wishes I don't want to

be in prison of commitment

I'm happy to date but when it gets a little bit

serious the mind goes let me get

you out of this

and we don't do it in logical ways

you know self-sabotage, procrastination

and nothing more

than the fear of either not being enough

or not wanting to go where you think you're going

you know there are people who apply for a job

get it and they never turn up on the first day

or think god I work for that and I don't want it

I thought I wanted this I don't want it

I thought I wanted that person

I actually don't want them

and so for you

the thought that a relationship is prison

is so powerful

that it would make every relationship unravel

including Jasmine

so now let's go back to your friend

yeah so how does he know

that

it's not just some like I don't know

unresolved traumatic

issue that's stopping him being avoidant of

committing to that individual

or if that individual's not right

and I think it's the case with like jobs

and relationships and everything in our life

how do we know that it's not just some trauma

response that we're having

or if the thing we're avoiding or

rejecting is actually

not right for us

you know when you think okay

my life without this person

would it be better or worse

if I have an argument with my husband

we don't argue a lot but I always imagine

my life without him and it's so much worse

than my life with him

occasionally annoys me

he's got some he can put a tea bag

and have it every so often as a kitchen

in like three minutes flat

I was like wow how do you do that

I just don't understand how you can do that

but you have to pick your battles

and when he really annoys me

I just think okay imagine if he wasn't here

and I thought oh no

I wouldn't like that maybe not here for a couple of hours

but forever so you know

because of how you feel but you see

you know we're all taught this you know

you found your other half but you're not a half

you're a whole you can't find another half

to complete you because you're not half a person

but a lot of us are taught

you know you're gonna find the handsome prince

is it gonna live happily ever after

well that isn't true

there's never one person ever that could

complete you or me to all your needs

and so you have to be a realistic

in a relationship you have to put your needs

into three parts okay I've got a need

my husband must always tell me where he is

he must call me he must tell me when he's

it's two in the morning where he is

I don't like that he must be honest

honesty is a non-negotiable need for me

so that's a need that has to be met

need for tidiness

is that really important

I can do it myself

you know by the time I have an argument with him

about the tea bag I've already put it in the bin

and put a bit of bleach on the kitchen counter

and it's all done so the second lot

of needs you might have to meet those needs

the need to have a tidy kitchen

the need to have I don't know

organic groceries delivered maybe you

can do it sometimes you've got to pick your battles

and the third set of needs you just got to give

those up some needs are just not

important enough to fight about you know

my daughter is an artist

and artists are very messy and if you go

you have to go what mess I can't even see it

so with my daughter the need to

have a tidy bedroom I learnt to

shut the door don't even go in

if I go in they go well she's happy

do I need to have a happy

daughter or a tidy daughter's bedroom

a happy daughter is actually more important

so some needs you must have your

partner meet some you've got to meet

and some just give them away it's really

not worth arguing about

you reminded me when you talked there about

thinking about meeting Prince Charming

and perfection I went into a bookshop the other

day as I sometimes do

just for inspiration you know and I bumped

into a lady who recognised me

I actually took a photo of her because

the conversation really stayed with me it's not

often that I take a photo with someone else I say

please can I have a photo with you just so I remember this conversation

and what she said to me in that conversation was

reminiscent of many other

conversations I've had she was

a woman she's just over the age of 30

I think she was 32 31

and she was actually in that bookshop

looking for a book that would

help her solve her romantic and relationship

issues she said to me which is a message

I've heard before from close friends mine I'm over

30 now I'm looking for a guy

I've never been in a relationship

I've been working very very very hard

she says she's excelling in her career people

have told me that I just need to go to the gym and work out

and I've tried that

and I still can't find this person

and the other sentence

I remember she said I don't want to settle

and I've got people close to me in my life many people

that have are in almost identical situations

so much so that I sent

that photo with her to those people

and said I've just met you in a bookshop

and it helped me to actually understand

them better because to know that there's

many many people that are in that situation

then they've got this kind of

societal clock ticking that's saying

you better do it quickly

what would you have said to her to help her

so I said first of all what are you doing

people say to me I'm looking for love

okay that's great where are you looking

well I go to yoga any men there

not really

she said I've tried dating apps

people tell me to meet people

in public but how do you do that

so people tell me they're looking for love all the time

I'm looking for love where are you looking

describe your weekend I went to yoga

any men in the yoga class not really

and then I went to my friend's house

and then I went to a book

reading for any men there not really

and then I went out with all my girlfriends

we all looked the same we all went to the same bar

competition so actually you're not looking for love

at all because you're going to places where men

aren't and then men say I'm looking

for love where are you going I mean the way

there are many women there they're all in the yoga class

so if you really want to

find love you've got to be proactive first of all

sit down and think what kind of person

do you want I mean what qualities

do they have what are you looking for

you know normally I'm looking

to buy a house but I never

go to the state agent and look at the brochures I just think

the house will turn up I'm looking for a job

but I'm actually going to yoga

I'm going to I'm not going for any interviews

we say well you're not really looking for a job are you

when I look for a house I've got

brochures coming in I'm going to look at

I'm going to look at houses till I find the right one

so if you want love

sit down and think about what you want

make a list don't be too into

six pack and gorgeous or

ten think of the qualities

what is this person like and then

decide what is that

person looking for you might have to up your game

a bit and then think about where is

this person they're not in yoga

but they're somewhere

and once you've decided

that you're worth love that's the

most important bit and you can put

yourself around people you'll find love

easily but we're so busy

trying to

change ourselves so you

have to take some time because the only

thing you need to do to find love is first

of all every day so I'm worthy

of love I am worthy of being

loved I deserve to be deeply loved and

I'm worth it and if you think

when I say that I feel really stupid

then say it more until you don't feel

stupid until you think no actually it's

sinking in now so putting lotion

on my skin it is going in it is having

an impact so say it state

affirm it a lot I deserve

love I'm worthy of love I'm who couldn't

love me I'm deserving of love and then

when you've got that part

right and you know that

you don't think I hope when I go

on a date I'm good enough for them well

what about thinking are they good enough for you

so you got to reframe

that don't keep saying I got to

make myself I've got to chase love

pursue love get in shape

to find love be perfect to find

love you got to find love

just by being you so

work on knowing you're worth it

that's an 80% of your success

will come down to having and I'm worth it

mindset think of the person

think of where they are and then get out

of the yoga and go to the wait room if

you're a girl if you're a guy get out of the

wait room go to the yoga put yourself

around the people you want to be with

and you'll end up with them she did say

a line to me which I just remembered which is

I've started to think that there's something wrong with me

and it's there is a clear pattern

in the people here in that situation that I know

that have started to engage

in vocal negative self

and self disparagement and apps

of course there's so much like going to a Chinese

restaurant with a menu that's 20% I don't

know what to have now there's so much variety

I've now got to page 20 I've forgotten

what was on page one if you go to

a restaurant with a little men you think okay I'm going to have that

so apps with

masses of variety lots of people

I mean they show you a good thing how many people are

looking for love just like you so you're

not weird or a freak

apps are good to show you wow all these people

good looking people are looking for love

but maybe come away

from the apps and start to talk

to people you know talk to people

I was just thinking if you're talking about dating apps

I've never been a prolific dating

app person because I've been busy but also

I'd never had success on them

until people knew I was

sort of in a public capacity and then you can't

I can't use them anyway but going back 10 years

I do remember using dating apps swiping

through and you'd see

like really beautiful people and go oh I want that one

you'd swipe right on them and then

the ones that would swipe left and you

would you know they were just not the ones you were

looking for and because you understand

the value of anything by the context in which you see it

by seeing

50 beautiful people

but then getting the ones that are less than

even if there was less than people

it's not a nice way to describe them

the ones you didn't desire

are perfectly okay

because you've seen them in a context where you've seen

supermodels you're never going to

value them and also

you know I was thinking about

the people that are going on those dates that are

searching for Mr. Right

or Mrs. Right

are we less valuable when we're in search

of something? Yeah definitely

that's the problem right?

Well it's one thing is to say hey you know

I've got a great life

and I've decided I'm ready to be with someone

amazing I want to share my life with someone

who wants to share that but I'm quite I'm okay

if I don't find them

I've got a great life but I'm kind of

open to finding the right person now

it's rather different to

needy I need someone to complete

me I don't want to be on my own I hate being

alone I need to find my mate

my partner so

you almost need to be at a level where you're happy

and you've got a great life but you want

to share it rather than

I'm incomplete without that person there's

something wrong with me

people used to say to me why are you not married I said

I don't know just lucky I guess

because I hated the option of what's wrong with this

I always had that pattern I don't know I guess I'm just very

lucky. From the age of 20 to 25

Yes

the one I pursued romantically once I'd

even got past the commitment issues

didn't want me

and I always reflect on it and go

when I really wanted someone

there must have been something I was doing

yeah they knew that you were dumped

then they knew that you had a commitment fear

that sort of probably came out of your

poor so of course they dumped you

before you dumped them because

your behaviour and some of the things you did or said

or even didn't would have let them know that

you had a

commitment fear and so they just got out

before you did

they weren't even I got rejected a lot

in that phase from like 20 to 25

and I reflect on it and go how come those five

girls that I pursued that I really

wanted that like you know I'd start listening to

Adele and think of them like you know went into

the frenzy all of them

rejected me

but if they all did it

it wasn't it was all of them they all picked up

something from you because if it was one you go

oh well it was them

people say I've had five wives of all disappointment

have they had five husbands no

well then it was you I was talking to a client

they said I've had five wives they all disappointed me

I said well you were the disappointment

because they couldn't all

disappoint you you must have wanted

perfection which you did

and you can only ask for perfection if

you're offering perfection which none of us can offer

Mike my conclusion from that

chapter in my life was there must be like a

thousand micro expressions

that these people are picking up on

communicating that I'm low value

yeah and I you know I couldn't fake it

I read all the books

about you know I read this book in this matchmaking

book in this book called the game the mystery method I watched

all the documentaries and

the only reason it changed in my life was when

my actual opinion of myself changed

because you didn't value yourself and you know

if you have this belief

I'm not good enough and you fake it

people pick it up they know

instinctively they can't

help it because it's at a level beyond

communication where you have a low sense

of worth people pick it up

and when you have a high sense they

pick it up too but when you fake it

it you're still faking it so that's why

you've got to get to that level of hey

I'm so great

when I was in I was in

Zimbabwe just before I met John and I was

they put me in a honeymoon suite

and it was an amazing place

they kept saying oh he's just so sad you

haven't got a husband they don't understand that

why haven't you got a husband this is not normal

and I thought you know I'm so happy

and I thought as a second time in a month

I was also teaching in Coventry but in a honeymoon suite

again that read me to the best

room in the house and it was a big honeymoon suite

I thought well you know what I love being in here

I didn't think oh this is so sad

and so the second time I was in a honeymoon suite I was thinking

you know what if this is as good as it ever gets

I'm on my own in this amazing

place in Zimbabwe in this amazing

with two baths outside

and two showers and two

of everything I'm okay

I'm really happy and I was married

ten months ago I didn't even know John well I knew

him but we weren't dating

because you have to get to that level of thinking

and ten months later you were married

yeah I came home I knew

John our kids went to the same school

I came home from Africa and September

met him in October we were married the following

August but I got to that level

where I was so happy being

just being by myself

that I didn't chase

him or think oh my god I need this

just like oh here you are

and I already know you and you're a great guy

and it all worked out perfectly

but you have to get away from the neediness

or I'm running away from it

avoiding it or desperately

looking for in your case looking for

thinking it's a prison you have to be

at the level of I'm ready

but I'm happy anyway

and then from 25 to 30

the next five years the thing

that changed in my life was I became

what other people would call

successful

business success now it's funny

because someone will look at that and go

okay well for the next five years from 25 to 30

you had money so it attracted people

whatever right yeah but I know

that that's not the full story

I know that I think the success

changed my beliefs

about myself of course it did

I just think I stood differently and I

of course you did you had a sense

of self it's not that I'm rich

but it's like I've created this

I'm worth something your sense of

self elevated because of what you've

done and achieved and you grew up a

bit too and so your sense

of self went up and people

like people with a strong sense of themselves

it's very attractive it's actually very

sexy confidence is really sexy

a sense of who you are

is very sexy for men and women

so without knowing it that's what you got

and from 25 to 30

in that period I no longer had

that issue I felt that I could

attract someone that I wanted

if I pursued someone I thought I went

into it thinking you know the choice is

going to be mine and say that in a

least humble way I possibly can and I fell

in love with someone and I've been with them

ever since I was actually working with someone

who won the lottery and he said you know

what happens when I won the lottery

women became more orgasmic I said you know

that happens all over the world when men

win the lottery their girlfriends become

more orgasmic he went yeah I don't understand

it was a bit of a joke that of course they became

more orgasmic because he became

so attractive to them because

he'd won the lottery so that was

very funny makes so much sense so

people are going to hear that and go so you can't fake

that's what I came to learn from that 10 years

in my life I say it's all my friends now

I give them I give them

I give them this or everything I know

about some of the books I read about how to be high value

and then I tell them the story that between

20 and 25 I read all these books and I still

couldn't do anything about it so reading the books

is not enough because you can't fake it

and I say to some of my best friends and

one of my close girlfriends I said

it's almost like there's a thousand

little micro expressions of low value

that we give off in language is just

it's a new form of communication versus

the like thousand tiny things

we don't know we do

which tell the person that

we don't value ourself we have no

self-esteem and we're not confident. If you're looking

for self-esteem anywhere outside of yourself

you're not going to find it if you're looking

for self-esteem out there with the jazz

men's of the world or someone

unless you're looking for it in here

you're never going to find it so

stop looking out there

self-esteem is not out there it's

in here and just

spend some time saying hey

I can elevate my sense of self-worth

self-value

self-image you see self-esteem means

if I say Stephen Holder in the

highest of esteem is what I think of you

but self-esteem is what I think

of me and what happens

we start to poke holes in our

self-esteem by saying I'm not good enough

I'm not rich enough smart enough attractive

enough qualified enough

and you got to go back and go no

I can raise myself

see my matter just the way I am

I matter I'm enough

I'm lovable and you know

my dad always said the job of any

school is to raise the kids

self-esteem that's more important than learning

Latin or sport and

all schools their job is

to raise kids and parenting

too your job as a parent

is to raise your kids self-esteem

but nobody teaches us that we think oh no

it's organic broccoli and making

you safe and making you learn

Mandarin sending you to a good school

no your job is to raise

kids with good self-esteem

and then they'll have

relations with who've got good self-esteem

if you only will work on self-esteem

the world would be so much better

how would you have

what would you have done with 20 year old Steve if he had come to you and said

listen Marissa I've

pursued all these women they all seem to

not value me

yeah well I would have gone right back to look at

what was happening when you were growing up

what was going on with your mum and dad

where did you get these beliefs from

what happened to you

you know it's not what's wrong with you

it's what happened to you should never say what's wrong

with you what happened to you

in your formative years what did you see

growing up with your mum and dad

what did you see

so if we look at you know Paul McCartney

who loved Linda

and all his children have got very secure

Relate Stellar's got four children

amazing parent Mary

he's got three children

but they're very happy they've stayed with us

because they learnt what they live

you learn what you live

what did you learn

what did you live that you learned

which was that marriage is a horrible place

to escape from it's punishing

it's not a place of sanctuary

or love or support

something completely different

I also think I just learnt

that I was at a very young age

that

I think maybe that I learnt that I was

unlovable at some level because I think

think about being a black kid

in an all white area where your house is like

dilapidated I think that's the right word

never brought anyone home

never brought a girl home in the 16 odd years

never brought anyone home

no one knew where I lived I had this like

constant shame

and I showed up as if I was a confident kid

it was an act

and you went home feeling as sent

you see

I taught 16,000 therapists

all over the world and I teach them

there's only three things wrong with every person

that turns up at your door

only three things and one of them is

I'm different so I can't connect

the next one is I want something

it's not available to me and the third one is

I'm not enough

there's a lot of versions I'm not smart enough

good enough but when you told me that little boy

who is a black kid in a white world

living in a shambolic house

never bringing people home

straight away you're saying I was different

and if I'm different

I can't connect because we connect by being the same

because I like Postman Pat so do I

I like Pastor so do I

I like Barbie so do I oh you're my friend

but when you're different

you can't connect so you

first had that first thing I'm different so I can't connect

what I want

being the same as all the other kids

is not available to me

and if you think you're unlovable then you have

to think you're not enough but of course

that's what you felt the truth is

you're deeply lovable just the way you are

but it's very hard

when you don't feel it so when you

you know your feelings the most real thing

you have and we're always trying to use logic

but logic doesn't work

and a battle between emotion and logic

emotion wins every single

time so the emotion

of being this kid who felt different

not enough not the same

you can't logic that better

yes you can achieve a lot

and work hard and be a millionaire

you remember John Lennon said the thing you can't hide

is when you're crippled inside

and so you're trying to fake it

till you make it but then you just end up feeling

like a big fake you have to

go back and look at okay

I felt different but here's an interesting

thing if our greatest fears

to feel different it must be none the same as everyone

because that's our greatest fear to be

different we used to be cast out for

being different banished for being different

but actually if you fear being different

I really that means you're the same as

everyone because you got the same fears

and what wasn't

available now you've made it available many

years ago and you're deeply

lovable and more than enough so you have to kind

of go back and look at that old

scene to go but that's not me anymore

of course it's not me

so just stating why it isn't you

is actually one of the most transformational

things you can ever do

as we're so busy looking for how it is us

you know here's a rule of the mind whatever you look for

you will find whatever you

focus on you get more of so when you look at

how it's still you or

still there or still bothering you

then

you'll find it and interesting I think

when you look at the mess in your room you remember

the shambolic house and that's why

it bothers you not because it's messy because

you were brought up in a shambolic house

now you come out and think oh look at this room

I've recreated the same

instead of saying actually

I'm in a five-star hotel there's a maid

next door it's a little bit messy

it's not shambolic but you see what your

brain is looking for is what's the same

and it will always find it

but if you look for what's different

you'll find that too

so when you have a brilliant brain which we all have

and you definitely have said it you've got to

talk yourself out of it not into it you're talking

yourself into how the messy

room is the same as a messy home and it bothers

you greatly because it feels

out of your control which it was when you were

a kid living in that house

don't talk yourself and talk yourself out of it

oh yeah I have created a mess

but hey I'm a super successful guy I'm

busy someone's going to come in and clean

all of this up and it's not

the same it's vastly

different but our mind is always

looking for what's the same because it loves

what is familiar after all

you know if you were to your

kid living in the prairie and you wanted out on the

prairie you'd only eat the berries you already knew

you wouldn't eat anything unfamiliar

because it would have killed you so

our primitive brain wants to go

back to what is familiar back to

what is known back to what is comfortable

let's talk about the sugar

because I've heard you say a lot

I saw this I saw this I saw on

your web one of the things I saw was the

dietless life

life coaching and the dietless life website

I was on there just before I actually came in the door earlier

and it said that

the dietless life resolves

the underlying cause of overeating

I

let me confess

I am someone that works out pretty much every

day I'll work out today

although I'm going to that Fred again concert so that might be difficult

that's a workout I work out pretty much every

day of the week

the thing that's holding me back is

once in a while I'll get into a little bit of like

a sugar spiral

what I mean by that is I'll eat some sugar

and then the next day I'll eat some more sugar and then the next day I might have some more sugar

because it's very addictive

I've actually given up alcohol I've not told anybody that

but I've given up alcohol completely

but this sugar thing seems to be something that I'm like

I'm like battling with

it will happen you know once a month

and then it could last for like a couple of weeks where I just start

eating things that I'm like why am I eating that

and then I'll get control again of the ship

how do I

avoid sugar

I don't like it I don't want it

I actually when someone hands me something

the first thing I check is the sugar contents

don't want it in my life anymore I've made that decision

like alcohol goodbye

but it seems to grab me

so your mind always goes back to what something means

so let's talk about little Steve

and what did sugar and all the sugar retreats

mean to you when you were a kid

what did they mean

well in our house we weren't allowed them

we're probably the only family again because of money issues

we didn't have any nice things in the fridge

so I would go to the corner shop after school

and I would steal as much of the sweets as I possibly could

and then how did you feel

so let's close your eyes a minute

just remember be that little boy

you've just stolen them you've just got them

it's okay that you took them most kids do that

what do you feel like when you've suddenly got them

in your pockets or you're eating them what's the feeling

I feel in control

I feel like my friends

I guess

so keep your eyes closed and imagine

now you're grown up Steve

and then suddenly it's one evening

and you want this sugary stuff

and you want it the next day and the next day

I want you to say this

when I can't have sugar

when I don't have sugar say it

when I don't have sugar

I feel like that little kid who was deprived of sugar

I feel like that little kid that was deprived of sugar

and that makes me feel out of control

because

just add the word because it makes you feel out of control

because

because I lived in a house where

I didn't have the ability to get the things

I wanted

so you can open your eyes now so the adult

you see it's not the chocolate

it's the feeling you felt when you couldn't

have it so when people go on a diet

this is what happens I can't have any of that stuff

I can only have lettuce

they have this traffic

like red everything's banned

amber, ok and green

is like lettuce, salad, carrots

grilled fish

I want all the red stuff

the mind says if I can't have it

I want it, I want it so much

so again you've got to talk

I can have chocolate

every day for the rest of my life

it's always I can have it and I can have it in abundance

I can have a breakfast lunch and dinner

and here's the magic

sentence that changes your life

I'm choosing to say no and I'm choosing to love it

I mean my parents are a bit like that

no sugar, sorry

sentence again

I'm choosing to say no to chocolate

and I'm choosing to love it

I'm choosing to say no to kids treats

and I'm choosing to love it

I was going with one of my clients who's a billionaire

who goes on his boat on his yacht

and takes all these things like refreshers

and sherbet stuff

because he wasn't allowed them as a child

and even though he's got his own chef

that makes him happy

because it's something that was forbidden

and so when he gets it he thinks

he's so thrilled

because it did that when you look at it

it made you happy so you're looking for the feeling

not the thing

and you can give yourself the feeling without the thing anyway

so as you can remember

I feel the same when I want it

and I feel the same when I get it

but could I get the feeling without having it

of course you could

it's really easy too

should I hypnotize you back to that little boy

that wanted the sugar so badly

so we can change it

should we do it now

being hypnotized is really easy

I'll show you what you do

it's about the eyes

so if you look at me you're going to look up like that

breathe in

breathe out

take another deep breath

keeping your eyeballs up

every time you blink deep powerful hypnosis

is coming upon you breathe out

and just one more time keep your eyeballs up

and this time

the more you blink the deeper you're going to hypnosis

so keep your eyeballs up

close your eyelids down

and I'm going to tell you Stephen

that your eyelids

are locked shut

glued shut sealed together

your eyelids are glued tight

try to open your eyes

find their locked shut

go deeper

try to open your eyes

find their glued tight

go deeper

and one more time try to open your eyes

go deeper deeper deeper

your mind Stephen

knows exactly what

chocolate and children's

sweets represent to you

I'm going to count back

5 to 1 your brilliant mind is going to take you right back

easily, powerfully to a scene

that is all to do with why as an adult

you keep going back

to sugar the minute you get that information

it's going to be such a game changer

and of course

you can't relive anything

it's not possible, you can only review

you can't relive being that little boy

but you can review it

and any scene you go back to

even if it's sad

you're going to look at it with fascination

with insight, with innate understanding

of how those scenes then shaped you today

so let's go

so you're about 7 describe what's happening in this scene

I'm sat on a grass hill

I have these

these

boring

sandwiches

in my lunchbox

I want you to

it's very important to feel the feeling

you're doing fantastic, I want you to say I'm looking at my lunchbox

I'm 7 years old and I feel so disappointed

I'm looking at my lunchbox

I'm 7 years old and I feel so disappointed

is there anything you can do to change the lunchbox

no

I could steal some money from somewhere

to buy the things I want

or I could swap or steal some other food

or something

how else is that little kid feeling

buying

sugar or getting it

makes me feel

makes me feel

powerful

there's always been that underlying thing

because I could never have it

as an adult it's an expression

of my new autonomy

yeah

I can have whatever I want

so now I want you to go back

to the little kid sitting on the grassy bank

with a disappointing lunchbox

I want you to say to me

that's not me anymore

because you need to tell me exactly why

just define tell me why that's not you

so repeat after me

that little kid on the grassy bank

with a disappointing lunchbox

that little kid on the grassy bank

with a disappointing lunchbox

and will never be me ever again

and will never be me ever again

because

I can have whatever I want now

you're not 7

your mother doesn't provide your lunch every day does she

if she didn't you hated it

couldn't you go out and get whatever you want

that's not me

I'll never be 7

ever again

I'll never be 7 having less than other people

ever again

that can't be me

I can have whatever I want now

I can have whatever I want now

and what I really want

is to be indifferent to sugar

is to be indifferent to sugar

and I want you to think

of the words that little kid needed to hear

you know better than me

that when you were 7, 8, 9, 10

what you most needed to hear

what you most needed to feel that you were the same

that you were equal

that you had everything others had

and I want you

to repeat some of those words

you can do it in your head or out loud

what are the missing words you've never heard

and always wanted to hear

one of them was

you have the same

resources

and money and value as all of your friends

so say that little kid

you have the same money

the same resources

the same resources

the same stuff everyone else has

the same stuff that everyone else has

you're smart

and as you grow up

you create everything for yourself

you see chocolate doesn't free you from feeling

that you can't have it

it actually reminds you

far from solving your issues

it reminds you of that kid

it pulls you right back

it doesn't set you free it pulls you back

to that memory of that kid

you could never have it

I don't need to remember that anymore

because that isn't me

and that will never be me

I can eat sugar every day

for the rest of my long gorgeous life

I can eat sugar every day

for the rest of my long gorgeous life

what I really require

is an utter indifference

playing this recording

so my voice goes with you

stays with you until soon

don't even need this recording

it's wired and fired and coded into you

it's who you are

not what you do

and it makes you feel amazing

so knowing it, feeling it, believing it

being it, becoming it

just slowly, calmly, easily

just open your eyes

and come back into the room

how do you feel?

I forgot where I was

at least I thought I was somewhere else

that's a great thing about hypnosis

you forget where you are

the critical factor shuts down

some things only happen in hypnosis

the critical factor shuts down

it accepts things it can't accept consciously

what is going on there?

well your conscious might

is completely shut down

the subconscious that knows it

is always switched on

is always on record and it remembers everything

and your subconscious is accessing memories

but you're really getting the feeling

because the thing is it

therapy doesn't get the feeling

it says we did this

you want to feel the feeling

oh I see, I'm trying to get the feeling

but I don't even need that feeling

I can be free now

also time, I looked at the time

and so much time has passed

but it didn't feel like it

feels like it was just a few minutes

that's how you know hypnosis is so powerful

because you lose all track of time

time stops but the subconscious mind

which is running the show

really takes over

do you know what I'll do in this episode

this episode will take a couple of weeks to come out

so I'll do an insert about how I got on with

my relationship with sugars

okay guys this is

two weeks after I recorded with Marissa

and I want to tell you the results

I've not touched sugar

more importantly, not had any sugar cravings

whatsoever

and when I say sugar, I don't mean

natural sugar that occurs in natural foods

I mean the really sugary foods

that are processed that I didn't want to eat

I've had no cravings whatsoever

for sugar and I've been around chocolate

and Percy pigs in a lot and we're two weeks on

from the conversation with Marissa

I've lost weight, my sleep

has therefore improved because I'm not eating sugar

and I'm not getting these peaks and crashes

that I used to get

so I can confirm that Marissa's hypnosis worked

and if you want to watch the whole hypnosis session

which is just over 25 minutes long

the whole thing

I've linked it below on our clips channel

so you can watch the whole thing

it's a little bit long and it might be boring for some of you

but for those of you that want to see

the full 25 plus minutes

it's down below in the description

on our clips channel on YouTube

back to the episode

you must have so many case studies in your life

of how hypnosis is just

so many people who did dietless life have said

you know I don't eat sugar

someone said you know I can't even have a cappuccino

with a chocolate

oh no sorry you've got to take that off

because I'm simply so indifferent to sugar

and then you start to taste how fake

it is, how horrible it is

because your body actually, your body never says

hey knock me out with sugar

the body hates the mind

just like the mind might go for alcohol

or drugs until you can get into the mind

and say you know

you need to make a better choice because you've chosen it

one of my, maybe one of my

my best friends in the world

I have like six best friends

one of my best friends in the world

can't eat basically anything

he's in his mid-birth, he's now

and for whatever reason

some psychological reason he just can't

when we get a restaurant he can't order anything

he never has, known him for 10 years

he basically only eats like a couple of things

and there's something going on where he thinks

like I don't know the texture of other things

but basically it's like crackers, crisps, biscuits

I was in Dubai in February

with a girl called Sarah who could only eat meat

couldn't eat anything else but meat

and I said I can fix that in an hour

and I did, we went back to why

and now she eats everything, cake, pasta

because boy she was in so much pain

and she did it, she straight away

in one session it was a game

change, I had many kids who said I can only

eat cheese and white bread

but given my number

I can change that in an hour

we've tried so many things over the years

you need to try the thing that works

proper hypnosis, it works

all the time because

that magic only happens when you get into

that network of intelligence

and understand what's going on

when you can send different messages to the

feeling mind because

it's no good doing it logically, it's like saying

to an alcoholic, now come on

have a lovely cup of tea, you don't need that alcohol

look at you like you're mad because

logic can't defeat emotion

but I can only eat crackers, it's so powerful

but you can find a better emotion

where does that come from, what was going on

like the emotion of that little Steve

and saying when I have the chocolate

I feel better, I feel more powerful

I feel the same as other people

and that was the driver

now you can say well I don't need to do that

I'm already powerful and amazing

and equal to all my friends

It took me to a place that I've not been before

I actually remembered things that I hadn't ever

remembered

the lunchbox thing, I'd never really

remembered my lunchbox shame

that's a new thing which I'd uncovered from being sat on that hill

during summer and just opening the lunchbox

it's just this horrible sandwich

and the powerlessness, it's called learned helplessness

and learned hopelessness, I can't accept this

but I can't change it, I don't know

there's nothing I can do about it

because you know you don't want, it's not the scene

it's the feeling within the scene

that's what you did so beautifully, that kid

who felt powerless, frustrated

disappointed but could do nothing

I could steal

of course, but that's okay

all kids do that, but that wasn't really

the thing that gave, you could do it

but that wasn't really your choice, you wanted to have

the money that Ashley had to go into

the shop, you wanted to have the parents to say

here's the money, go and buy yourself something lovely

but you didn't have that

but when you stole the stuff, you got the same

feeling but it was never

really the same because you had the

shame and the guilt

and the blame attachment, now you can let all of that

go

so interesting, I've never actually felt like that

before, I've never, I remembered so many things

and time just seemed to stand

still and I realise

things about my relationship with food that have been

maybe locked up

in the back room somewhere that I didn't realise

so thank you for that, really really powerful

it's my first time ever doing anything with hypnosis

but also the shame about the messy room

where that comes from too

the same feeling that you couldn't fix it

when of course you can, you can say I love

putting stuff away, it feels amazing

I wasn't sure whether I'm messy because

it reminds me of home

so a messy room makes me feel more comfortable

or if it's the opposite like

you know, I've never

been sure which one it is

well it's just, I think because you lived in a messy

home, it was familiar, it was easy, no one said

tidy up, put that away, so if you were

in the army for instance, you say oh no I make

my bed and because you learnt a certain way

but you learnt the opposite

just everything's in a mess

so the two things that you learnt

is familiar but also it's deeply

disappointing because it makes you feel

oh god there's a mess again and I can't fix it

when the truth is, you can

you've always got a choice

the worst thing is I can't change it and I can't

accept it, I can't change it, I can't

accept it, I can't change a mess, I can't

okay, I can accept it, I can say hey I'm messy

and I love it, like an artist

or you can say I can change it

but it's like I can't change it and I

can't accept it, accept it

my daughter loves living in a mess because she's an artist

she doesn't even see it or you can

say I can change it

by changing how I think, just say I love

putting stuff away, it makes me feel powerful

and if you say it enough it will become

real because your words create

your reality

and if you don't like your reality, you don't have to change your reality

you have to change the way you're speaking

which immediately changes your

reality which is completely shaped by your words

quick one, I discovered a product which has changed

my life called 8 Sleep

and I'm so proud to say today that I had a chat with the founder

of the brand and they are now a podcast sponsor

and one of the things I've come to learn on this podcast

from speaking with sleep experts like Matthew Walker

is how important temperature

is when it comes to sleep

the temperature of your room, the temperature

of your bed and also one of the big

insights I had from speaking to some experts

was that the temperature

of the room should fluctuate

throughout the night as you move

through different stages of sleep

so when you first get into bed, it should be quite cool

in bed, it should then get

a little bit cooler and then the

temperature should increase near the end

and that is a reflection of what would have happened

in nature once upon a time

you've probably come to learn that I have

sponsors on this podcast that I use

and products that I love, my sponsors

should be a reflection of the conversations

I'm having but also a reflection

of what I'm using in my life

so to celebrate them being a new podcast sponsor

I always want to get a discount for you guys

if you've got one, go to

8sleep.com

which is E-I-G-H-T

sleep.com

and if you do that

you'll save $150

on the pod cover that I have on my bed

the one I'm talking about

grab your pod cover, send me a DM

and let me know how you get on

Marisa thank you

you're so welcome

we have a closing tradition where the last guest leaves a question for the next guest

the question a few is very good one in fact

if there was one sentence

that everyone should believe

about themselves

that would have the most

positive impact on their life

what sentence

is that?

I'm enough, all my bracelets say it

I live it, I have

I created the I'm enough movement which I'm so proud of

it would be I am enough

I have so many schools having kids say that

this has changed bullying in the school

it's changed the way kids perform

it's changed the way they behave emotionally

they all have a little placard and they have to say it

state it affirm it

I am enough

that's my favourite statement

because it's the truth about everyone but we just don't know it

we often think well I'm not enough

and if I'm not enough I need more

more chocolate, more followers

more drinks, more shopping

I'm enough

it's a statement that can change your whole life

if you state it affirm it

and it will sink in

Marissa thank you

everyone that's listening to this now should definitely head over to your website

because there's so much there

whether they want to be trained by you

or whether they want to come to one of your events

I was in there rummaging around and actually ran out of time

because there was so much, so many resources

and that's how I found the dieting stuff

and the coaching stuff and events

and a lot of free stuff too, we give away so much free stuff

and your YouTube channel is another example

of where you're just giving away hundreds of videos

for free

so thank you for the work you do

for me, that's why I wanted to have you back on

but also it's my girlfriend who's actually upstairs

and talks about you all the time

she's training

and doing several courses

I believe she's done some of yours as well

but you are a force for good in the world

it's so wonderful to hear that your work is now moving into schools

and the curriculum

it's so exciting

incredible, just incredible

thank you for being who you are

I really appreciate it

as you guys may know

as someone that is on the go

pretty much 90% of the time

I always prioritize getting my work out in

and for me it's non-negotiable

working out, staying healthy and trying to optimize my body

so I can achieve the results that I want

but a new addition to my lifestyle

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and my tough workout schedule

is my prioritization of my rest and my recovery

I never quite knew how important it was

until I started my Weep journey

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so don't stick with much as it relates to wearable tech

enjoy it and let me know how you get on

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Machine-generated transcript that may contain inaccuracies.