Conversations: Craig Hamilton's three lives

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Craig Hamilton will be a name familiar to many people who listen to the wireless.

Craig has been with ABC Sport for decades and he recently stepped down as a much-loved

radio presenter with ABC Newcastle. Craig Hamilton came to the wireless literally

blinking in the sunlight. He'd been working for years as a coal miner deep underground

where everything is blacker than black and where you're always casting a nervous glance at the

roof of the tunnel. It wouldn't be true to say that being a radio host and a sports broadcaster

was Craig's dream job because Craig never really dreamed such a thing was even possible for him.

He loved the work but then a few cracks appeared in the roof of his own mind.

During the 2000 Sydney Olympics Craig had a very public breakdown on a train station platform

which sent him in a whole new direction that was as unexpected as his radio career.

Craig's story is now at the centre of a new documentary called The Promise. Hello Craig.

Hi Richard. Your story starts in the Hunter Valley in New South Wales. Tell me about the

farm you grew up on. Well it was a small farm. It was only about 50 acres in those days. We used

to call it acres. It was flat. The soil quality was very good. It was rich river flats. It was a

dairy farm so you know dad was milking cows. Not many. It was only about 30 cows and I sometimes

look back on those days. It was a great experience growing up in those you know because we had plenty

of room to play cricket. We had plenty of room to play rugby league. You know dad made a cricket

pitch which was almost and then we had a field almost a full size of a cricket field and the

mates would come out and we'd play on that and we'd have a footy ground which was basically the

size of a full footy ground but then I'd milk the cows and help dad as my brother did too

and it was a great life and it's like any childhood though. You don't know anything different.

So it's normal. Was your dad that kind of classic man on the land on horseback?

Yeah absolutely. He had a horse, rode a horse. He would work the cattle on whilst riding a horse

and he'd always have a dog, always had border collie dogs but there were times when I think

around about the time he was having a few too many beers so instead of driving the car into

Singleton because we're on the edge of Singleton instead of driving the car into Singleton to go

to the pub and have a few beers or drive the tractor which he did as well sometimes drive the

tractor on the highway into Singleton to have a few beers he'd ride the horse and this you know

you look back that's an extraordinary thing to do. Can you get pinged being DUI on horseback?

I wonder in this country or no one would bother to do that I suppose. I would imagine not. I've

never heard of anyone who's gone DUI on a horse. So it was a good place for a sporty kid. You

mentioned you helped dad with the milking. What did that mean for you getting up in the morning?

Well I wanted to be a part of it from an early age so I can remember probably from the age of

eight or ten years of age saying to dad make sure you wake me up in the morning. This is school days

make sure you wake me up in the morning because I want to come down and help you milk the cows.

I got you a keen. Well I was and you know I thought back as to why I did that whether it was that

connection with dad I just wanted to do whatever dad was doing and the way to do that was to go

down and milk the cows. See that sounds vaguely romantic to me Craig but what's the reality of

getting up at 4 a.m to milk the cows? Well it wasn't much fun because you'd remember that the night

before you'd said wake me up wake me up and when dad would actually do what you're asking to do

and wake you up you go oh my god it's early but then you get out and you'd you'd go milk the

cows but many times he just let me sleep you know he'd let me sleep in. And how were the cows did

you cop a few kicks from them over the years? Yeah definitely definitely that was one of the

occupational hazards because there were some cows and you got to know them in the in the herd which

were more aggressive than others and you knew that you had a chance to get kicked by one or two

that were in that herd so you had to leg rope them that's one of the first things that I learned

you put the cows in the bale right and then you put a chain around them at the back so they

don't come out backwards but then to prevent you from getting prevent yourself from getting kicked

you get a leg rope just a bit of rope tie it around the leg of the cow below the knee

pull it back into position tie a knot around it so this restricted the cow's capacity to kick you.

Cows of course don't discreetly duck into the ladies when they need to go to the toilet was

this an occupational hazard for you at times craig? Very much so very much so anyone who's milked

a cow particularly in summer it was worse because you know without putting too fine a point of it

cows shit and they shit in the bales when they're getting milked and with the normal force sometimes

as well with the normal force and so you're milking the cow and you end up with this all over the

tail of the cow now if it's summertime there's a lot of flies and so out of the cows get rid

of the flies they you know swap them away with the tail with the tail so if you're sitting there

you're going to cop that across the face and that happened more than once. All before you start school

of the morning how about your mum what was her story? Well mum came out from the UK as a basically

was a 10 pound palm in the would have been the early 60s she came out with a good friend of hers

named Cecily and she's both done nursing in in the UK mum ended up working at Singleton hospital

and Cecily her friend worked there for a while as well but then she went to Brisbane and met her

future husband mum stayed in Singleton and met dad in Singleton. Well she ever cut out to be

a farmer's to live on the land to be live the farming life herself? Absolutely not I don't know

circumstances was mum cut out to be a farmer's wife. She hadn't grown up on on a farm in in the UK?

No. Had no experience of farm life until then? No no no it would have been very tough very tough

because um yeah mum had no interest in being on the farm no interested in milking

cows but then by the same token she had her hands full with with kids and trying to bring us up

which would have been problematic in itself. What sort of a kid were you Craig? I'll probably

there was no such thing as ADHD when I went to school but knowing what we know now I think I'd

get a I think I'd get a diagnosis pretty quickly because I was always one of those kids who was

disruptive always one of those kids who was talking and didn't have a great deal of interest in the

subject matter in the classroom and so that ticks a few boxes. Yeah there's also the thing I remember

talking to a country teacher once who said it's hard to teach sometimes it's hard to teach the

boys in particular in the country because they're always looking out the window wondering what dad

and their older brothers are doing was that you as well? I think I spent a bit of time looking

out the window because looking out the window I found was more interesting than what was going on

in the classroom and there was also the practical joke side of it as well and I used to do a lot of

that just to entertain myself and to entertain others in the class I would have been a nightmare

So you're this wriggly hyperactive kid were you expected though to take over the farm

one day? Well there would have been an expectation certainly because that's the way it worked you

know granddad has the farm passes the farm on to dad dad passes on the farm to the kids and so on

and so forth but certainly the expectation was there but by the time I'd reached my mid-teens

that was the last thing I wanted to do well because I could see how hard dad worked

I saw how hard he worked there's no one I've met in my life Richard who had a better work ethic than

my father never saw him have a sick day and he would he'd get up and go milk the cows regardless

of how unwell he was everyone gets sick and he injured himself a few times he fell off the horse

a few times he was kicked himself in the in the bales milking the cow he had physical injuries he

tore a tore a muscle off he had torn groin muscle at one stage we had to get a neighbour to come and

help milk the cows we were there as kids dad could hardly do anything but he was still there

so you just saw a life of hard work stress and injury then and I saw a job where you never had a

weekend off and you never had a holiday and I decided I didn't want that but you didn't know

what you wanted to do but just not that you know what it was yep so where did that leave you where

did you go to from there well halfway through year 12 I still had no idea what I wanted to do not a

clue and there was some jobs advertised on the native sport at school and they were for the jobs

were for cadet coal miners or cadet underground miners the bhp collieries in Newcastle which was

west side of Newcastle at that stage bhp had five underground mines I thought well there's a job I

could apply for I've no idea what I'm getting into but I applied got an interview got a job and was

told that I had the job two days after I sat the English exam in my hsc and so from that point on

the hsc didn't take precedence it was irrelevant right it was irrelevant as were my marks what did

your parents think of you saying I'm going underground I'm not going to be on the land I'll

go underground I'm sure dad was disappointed but he never said he was and I think mum would have

been horrified that I was going underground even though she didn't ever she never said that but I

would imagine that mum would not have liked that idea at all see to me Craig the whole idea of going

underground and working in a mine seems vaguely science fiction like to me it's almost like going

to the moon to work like to go that far underground I think I'd have trouble getting in that mine for

in the first place so get a little bit of claustrophobia and going that far underground and spending

your working days under there but you're in a community in the hunter where it's the normal

thing to do to go down and work in a mine tell me about your first day on the job when you went down

into that mine well fortunately I wasn't claustrophobic because what you say is is absolutely correct if

you are claustrophobic suffer from claustrophobia you will not work in an underground mine so I didn't

have any of those fears so I'm not even 18 years of age I'm 17 and a bit 17 turning 18 about three

weeks later and I'm underground for the first time and I had there was two other guys with me

and we started exactly the same time same day we didn't know each other at all we are great mates

today still stay in touch and we were all together and the under manager in charge which is effectively

the manager of the underground part of the mine he delegates the jobs in the morning right you're

on day shift and he basically looks at the three of us and says this is where you're working today

you need a sledgehammer each and you're going to knock down a stopping a brick stopping so it's

effectively a three-tier brick wall so how do you get down into the pit of this mine two ways

there's a drift and that basically paint a bit of a picture here if you've been to the blue mountains

and you've seen the scenic railway which is more of a terror ride I think than a scenic railway

but it's like that only not that steep it's more of a gradual grade down to the seam and the other

ways is a straight um cage a straight basically an elevator which takes you from the surface

down to the the pit bottom which was from memory about 300 meters right so that's not a very long

ride then well no 300 meters is a way is it so that's what like five meters uh five minutes

10 minutes in a cage going down is it uh it would be yeah this is a while ago but I'm thinking

I'm thinking about maybe five minutes what does the air feel like when you get down there

it's cool it's cool because the mine where I started was a wet mine so there's a lot of water

that leaked through the strata and so when you've got it's particularly in winter if you've got

you know cold conditions on the surface of the mine and you've got water in the mine

which is seeping out of the strata and then you've got powerful ventilation fans and that's how

it's you know it's dragged in sucked into the mine and then basically blown out the other side

so you got all this evaporation happening down this like net air conditioning effectively

yeah that's exactly what it is like air conditioning the further you go out though

into the different roadways as the mine is developed the hotter it becomes because it

becomes harder to to ventilate the mine much harder and it's less wet you've got less water so

we worked in some some pretty hot conditions so this you and you these other two newbies

mates mates of yours are given this job to knock down a wall effectively with sledge hammers how

was the work hard um it was the very physical because you're you're swinging it must have been

a seven pound or a ten pound hammer and the the brick wall wasn't moving much you know there was

not a lot of give in it so we had to and because it was our first day we wanted to make an impression

you know this is our job we're gonna get stuck into this and so we we just threw ourselves into it

half and half the day half the shift had gone we all had blisters so it was just um but yeah it was

it was hard physical work and a great introduction to underground mining

meanwhile this is around about 1980 now this is when you put tyres on your wife Louise for

the first time tell me about that we've heard about um I think all love at first sight and

this was as good of an example I think as that as possible she was training with a touch football

side so it was a number of her girlfriends and they were on the same touch football side at

Howe Park in Singleton which is the main rugby league main cricket ground and I'd been down at

the cricket nets with a good friend of mine and because we used to we used to go and have a practice

session every now and again to improve but it'd be just the two of us so we're walking out from the

nets and we walk past the cricket ground and so the girls are training probably 60 meters away

maybe 50 meters away and I saw Louise for the first time and so I'd never seen I never had any

discussion never uttered a word and I just turned to my mate that day and I said I could marry that girl

what did your mate say I can't remember I can't remember maybe it was a case of

wake up to yourself or yeah yeah of course you of course you could yeah you don't even know her

and then we just moved on and did she ever catch sight of you do you think you made a similar impression

no no no no because our next the next time we crossed paths was I was playing cricket

in one of the local teams in Singleton her father Pat was the captain so Louise used to come to the

cricket and she would do a lot of the scoring for the cricket and she used to confuse me with someone

else in the team so you got a real problem on your hands here then because because if you get the

love at first sight thunderbolt it's a frightening moment because it's very real it's very shocking

and you think I really have to do something about this now I have to I can't let this thing go because

it's you actually realize you're in quite a state of danger there at that point because you know what's

happened to you and she's mistaking you for someone else what were you able to do about that thing

well thankfully I had a number of other people who were close to the the cricket club like other

players their wives their girlfriends who could see something you know they could see something that

I think Louise had not seen I was aware of it but I still remember it was like a matchmaking

to the nth degree we were having a drink as you did after the cricket down our local pub

the Royal Hotel sponsored the cricket sponsored our team in in Singleton we're out in the beer

garden and having a drink and the next thing we know everybody has bolted they've gone they've

left us turns around the conspiracy oh total conspiracy and there's just the two of us sitting

there so we had no choice to have that first conversation yeah and you were what 18 and she

was what 16 or something no I must have been 17 and you still the ways were 16 and you're still

together after all these years it's extraordinary isn't it meanwhile you're still working away

in the mines there but there are moments when you're underground I have to ask this where you

looked up looked at the ceiling of the the mine tunnel and thought mmm that's not looking good

yeah a number of times yeah that that happened look I was mining for 16 years so I think when

you're in an underground situation you're going to face those things I mean there's a lot of jobs

that are risky there's a lot of jobs inherently dangerous and thankfully the underground industry

today is far safer than it was even when I was was mining but yeah there were plenty of times

when we'd work in areas underground and I'd look at the conditions carefully and think this is not

great did you share those thoughts with your workmates look we we would share the thoughts

with each other but only to a point there was there was this understanding or there was this

we talk about camaraderie and underground mining but we also talk about the macho culture

and the blue collar tough guy attitude and you've got to be resilient you've got to be tough

you've got to have that to to be underground but there was also this I think sometimes there

was a collective fear of some of the situations you found yourself working in

and no one was game to be the first one to say I don't think we should be in here

so Craig how did you make your first step away from being a coal miner well not so much away

from being a coal miner but towards the radio sliding doors moment I was playing cricket

Monica Roval the Canberra number one ground beautiful ground and I was playing for Newcastle

and it was a representative match against the ACT against Canberra our team's batting the Canberra

boys are bowling local radio station one of the commercial radio stations broadcasting the game

one of the I think the producer comes up to our team who batting said look we need one of you

guys to come on do a bit of color cometry and they said well look you my teammates said look

you never shut up we're sick of your we're sick of your cricket in commentator impersonations

just here's your chance just go down there so I went down and I think I was on for 25 minutes or

30 minutes I loved it from the first word I spoke did you feel comfortable straight away

straight away straight away I knew what I was talking about because it was cricket and I could

I had those communication skills and so I loved it and I could do it and that's where the seed

was sown were you shocked by how much fun it was yeah I was actually I was I wasn't nervous

I wasn't which is interesting I wasn't nervous I just I was the inquiring mind

kicked in I thought I wonder what this is going to be like and sat down and I thought this is

pretty good how then did you begin to start taking up space in ABC Newcastle after that

well someone was listening or there was a couple of people in Newcastle I think was team managers

were listening they had the radio on and I think the story goes that one of them said this guy's

not bad he could be a good publicity officer for the local cricket competition and so I ended

up doing five minute spots with all the local radio stations I talked to the local media the

newspaper some of the television stations but I also had a five minute spot on the ABC on a

Saturday morning on the sports panel and that's where it started and then it sort of snowballed

from there you know basically Richard what happened there were opportunities that came up

and every single one of them was taken so you're going down to ABC Sydney to down down the road

to do spots there how are you juggling working the mines between and working at the ABC well by

that stage after a few years later you know we went through a different the whole range of different

opportunities that were taken along the way from around the grounds reporter to sideline I

and then to calling games and Peter Longman obviously saw something Peter was the head of

sport at the ABC at the time and and Peter Wilkins was another and Wilco gave me a start on the call

and then the rest is history podcast broadcast you're listening to conversations with Richard

Feidler hear more conversations anytime on the ABC listen app

or go to abc.net.au slash conversations and what kind of a decision was it to

leave the mines for good I difficult one but one that had to be made I thought you know

if you're going to chase your dream here I didn't want to be in the mines for another 10 years I

asked myself that question I still remember where I said do you want to be here in 10 years the answer

was no so I left so you left but that must have been a hard decision financially for you well

it was a risk of three kids all under 10 and a mortgage so yeah it wasn't full-time work I was

going to I was going to part-time work so 1999 Craig's when you got a job as a full-time presenter

and as the radio presenter on Saturday it's on ABC Newcastle how much of a relief was it to have a

full-time job in radio oh it's fantastic I'm so excited I'm so excited and what it did it took

the the pressure off the the family in terms of having a steady income having a secure job

rather than what I'd been doing for the two years straight after leaving the mine which is to

work freelance you know I MC events I hosted trivia nights I wrote in newspapers sport reports

when the the regular reporters that have holidays so I just scratched around I had $15,000 a year

worth of work with the ABC which by that stage I was doing the a Saturday morning breakfast show

and driving to Sydney to do the still doing the sideline commentary so you know patched

together I think made $40,000 each of those years so it took the pressure off but it also

it also vindicated for me the decision to leave it takes that pressure off but it puts a whole

other bit of pressure on you particularly when you work for the ABC it's not like commercial radio

where you can substitute facts for opinion if you like you know you've really got to be on the wall

there's no big long ad breaks to prepare you're on the air a lot you feel very much in the public

spotlight you have this great sense of obligation to your local community were you feeling the pressure

no not at all because I was ready to do it I'd done my apprenticeship I'd done my apprenticeship

on air I'd done my apprenticeship you know as a sideline I'd been a broadcaster and called

the play-by-play so I was ready to do it so I had a great belief in my own ability and I don't

say that in an egotistical way I just knew I could do it you can't do the job without that

conviction you probably shouldn't either for that matter and you're doing sport at the time

this is in Newcastle at the time it is like two years after Newcastle the Newcastle Knights had won

the what was then still I think the ARL Premiership and thereby putting Super League to the sword at

the same time and I think Newcastle was in a state of continual ecstasy as a result of that

grand final went for a good five years after the fact it was a good time to be a sportscaster

in Newcastle I would have thought that was the best time it was the best time you couldn't write

a better script or set up a better set of circumstances than Newcastle winning the grand

final in 1997 they were rank underdogs manly the team they beat the Knights beat in 1997

had beaten the Knights 11 games straight in their previous 11 matches so rank underdogs

they win and the drama surrounding the way they won so they weren't in front in the game at any

stage they were behind at every from the first minute of the game through to the 80th minute

manly were in front until when it really counted which was the 80th minute and so I was on the

sideline that day and I will never forget Darren Albert scoring the match winning try after Andrew

Johns initially went the blind side and then turned Darren Albert back inside and just about

everybody I can't think of anybody other than Andrew Johns who at that time thought it was the

right decision to run the blind side they've all gone he's blown it he's absolutely blown this by

doing that making that play but Andrew thought it was the right play and he made the right call

99.9% of the time and all of these stoic Newcastle types you've been talking about I'll just crack

right open emotionally at that point I think so then we move on to 99 like I said though two years

afterwards when did you notice that there was something there that wasn't quite right with

your state of mind well with the benefit of hindsight I was high or manic for much of 1999

I think there was yeah there was an element of this the excitement of the job but there's also

at that stage undiagnosed bipolar disorder so there's you know these mood swings highs and lows

so I'm feeling fantastic in 1999 when I begin to notice that there are some cracks

is the early part of 2000 the next year and did you mention this to anyone no no I didn't

because the the symptoms at the time were moderate they were moderate what depressions

like periods of depression that sort of thing um well I didn't know what depression was really

early I knew I wasn't sleeping properly I wasn't eating properly I couldn't concentrate on things

I was finding just basic concentration different difficult this is when doing this job comes very

very hard if you go through that absolutely you really have to hold a whole lot of stuff in your

head and and and be quite relaxed and had a good night's sleep beforehand yeah exactly and so and

it was very difficult I was constantly stressed I had huge anxiety which across the period of

January February March April May just got worse it got worse the symptoms became more acute and I

told nobody because I'm an Australian bloke and we we don't talk about those things you know I was

embarrassed about the way I felt and so therefore I wanted to deal with it myself and you know 20

odd years later is the worst thing I could have done but it was the only way I knew how to deal

with it at that time it's standing what you said about your conviction that you were in the right

place at the right time it's almost a universal syndrome that anyone is presenting in the media

whether it's radio or TV that you do get a bit of imposter syndrome particularly when you're

successful at it you after you you do sometimes ask yourself who am I to be doing this who am I

I mean I'm going to be caught out on Sunday here someone's going to find out and someone's going to

walk into the room and say all right you've fooled everyone this far we found you out going on

on your bike come on off you go off you go did you have any of that so found out that I admit it

I am actually the Wizard of Oz it's all just a big scam no not really because I didn't ever try to

be something that I wasn't from day one I never tried and I think you would know you've done a

million radio shows the moment you try to make out you're something you're not you're inauthentic

and it just comes out straight out of the the the speakers when people are listening one of the

first bits of advice I had when I came into radio and the manager's name will remain he'll remain

unnamed said we've got to do something with your voice you don't sound like an ABC broadcaster

you sound like a coal miner and so therefore we've got to do something with that and I remember

George dropped right here well it's an amazing thing to say well I said and it was very early

in the piece I just said look this is who I am this is how I speak and I I'm not going to change

that and so you and I are just going to have to agree to disagree that's a great many of your

listeners speak as well just quietly so so that's all good that's all the greater good but then we

get to the Sydney 2000 Olympics and my god you've been chosen as part of the broadcasting team for

the ABC what a what a fabulous thing what a great career hire that's going to be what did that mean

for you to be chosen to be part of that team well it was a career highlight to be selected

and if you'd said to the kid who was 11 years old on the dairy farm in singleton milking cows

that one day you are going to you know you're going to be broadcasting for the ABC on the

Sydney Olympic Games I just you couldn't make it up you couldn't dream that yet it was I was on the

cusp of achieving that yeah but your state of mind wasn't good as you said no and then came that

afternoon in September 2000 and you're about to get your a train to the Olympic Stadium

what do you remember of that day Craig I probably remember far more about that day than I should

given that I was tipping into a psychotic episode I was in the I was in a psychosis I was

experiencing psychosis so how did that come upon you well gradually and then it that happened

quickly because the depression that I described before took about seven or eight months and

then finally I got some help saw a doctor was prescribed some antidepressants and said take

these and they worked after about five weeks but with someone with bipolar disorder antidepressants

can actually ignite a high and that's exactly what happened five weeks later I'm manic and

a few days after that I'm psychotic and no one knows least of all me and I'm on the train station

and the I remember becoming verbally aggressive for no reason it was like a light bulb going off

being turned on and aggressive to who complete strangers complete strangers I was just

and it was all verbal I mean it was just I remember storming up and down the platform and just

hurling abuse and if you do that your behavior is like that you quickly going to draw attention to

yourself and the mental health crisis team was was called I was told that later but they didn't come

because when when they heard it was described to them why they said well what's happening

why why do we need to get involved here they said well we've got a bloke here is in his late 30s

he'd probably weigh about 85 kilograms he's in an agitated state and he's verbally aggressive

and they said well we can't handle that call the police and so the police arrived

and not too far after that I must say they did a brilliant job absolutely first-class job

number one because they'd done it a hundred times before I wasn't the first person in the grip of

psychosis to be assisted from a critical situation by the police so they knew what to do very calmly

very professionally got me across I ended up handcuffed because I did put up a I put up a

struggle because I just didn't want to go in the back of the the police van because I hadn't done

anything wrong you know so you think there's sense of injustice why am I going in here I'm off to

the Olympics and that's not who I am I'm not that guy that gets in the back of a police van

no no and then 15 minutes later after a 15 most horrific terrifying 15 minute ride

that I've ever had in my life I was I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital

what was your state of mind once you'd I'm presuming you're given a sedative once you got there and

once you had that once you came out of that what was your state of mind could you make sense of

what was going on around you well I still very belligerent when I first got there when I first

emerged from the back of the paddy wagon I can remember that because there was a number of the

staff there who were observing me just to see right what's he gonna say what's he gonna do

we need to try and put some pieces the jigsaw together here but yeah after I think after about

15 minutes of that I remember being put on a table and genes were pulled down and I got a

pretty decent size needle in the backside a sedative so that was through about 3 30 in the

afternoon and I can remember waking up at about 11 that night did you have any understanding of

what was going on no no didn't have a clue how did things progress from there did your family come

in yeah well they'd been in they they were there pretty much as I was being admitted and thankfully

I had a I had a good friend on the train station that day just by pure coincidence so he could

actually say look this is not the guy that I know because we'd known each other for 20 years

so I had someone in my corner on the train station so he arrives the boss from work arrives my family

arrives and so then the backstory gets put together you know very depressed put on antidepressants

hasn't slept really for two weeks you know quite manic in behaviour now he's had an episode on a

train station and within two or three minutes they say well he's got bipolar he's bipolar one

jada psychosis so you finally got the correct diagnosis very early on it didn't take the

the psychiatrists very long at all they didn't have to sit down and and and think about it for too

long to realise what this was and how did you reckon with that diagnosis well for the first

three months I didn't believe it I you know I was in total denial that that's could be me I would

be saying I haven't got a mental illness you know your guy gets it before I am to milk the cows and

can work down a mine and cope with all the stress and tension of that you can host on air sports

you can do all these things so that's not you you told yourself no that's right mental illness my

view was mental illness happened to other people and to other families not to me what did you have

to do to accept the diagnosis um that was difficult and from memory I think the fact that I kept going

back because I was required to keep going back to see the government psychiatrist before I'd be

allowed back to work because even though I felt great because I was still high I was still quite

manic you know they bring you down from a psychosis back to a level of mania on the way down to just

leveling you out to where you should be I was feeling fantastic let me back to work I can't

wait to come back to work and they're saying you're not ready to come back to work so it was across

that period of time and I thought maybe I'm not maybe they're right and I'm wrong so you had to

swallow a fair bit of ego to accept that thing absolutely yeah so did you learn to manage it

a bit better I mean obviously with some medication but was there are you using like cognitive behavioral

therapy or something like that to recognize when you're about to enter a new phase and can you do

that now interestingly cognitive behavioral therapy was something I didn't enjoy or I couldn't

concentrate on I tried counseling I had some some sessions with a psychologist for me what worked

and continues to work is medication and educating myself which I did from day one I've got to know

more about this I have to read about this I have to read other people's stories I have to find out

how other people cope their strategies the tools they use to stay well and then all sorts of books

on you know I read some books on spirituality I read some self-help I read just about everything

going and took a little bit out of all those places to learn how to recover and heal which

is what I had to do and it took a year at least to get over that episode and then it was a case of

the rebuild are you getting better at figuring out when things are not going well for you and just

to take it a bit easier leave off a bit and try and remove yourself from stressful situations

yeah I am a lot better but it's taken a long time for that to happen I now know when I'm getting tired

and I feel a bit rough around the edges and that's when I know I'm vulnerable I'm vulnerable

when that happens when I don't sleep properly I know if I have a really disrupted sleep

I've you know straight away I go Craig you're vulnerable pull back on your commitments make

sure you get a good night's sleep the next night and the medication's critical it's still for anyone

with bipolar one disorder the medication is critical but there wouldn't be one person who

has bipolar one disorder who hasn't stopped taking their medication at some stage and I did that and

it was a mistake when did you decide to start talking about what you'd been through probably

three years after the episode and the only reason I did decide to speak about it was because I'd

got angry at that time not because I'd missed the Olympic Games I was well past that I was cranky

because there wasn't a lot of intellectual property around there weren't a lot of stories

there wasn't much conversation it was still very taboo and I thought at the time you got a choice

here you can either be part of the solution or you can be part of the problem and the problem

was always the silence and the fact that conversations weren't being had we just didn't

talk about it it was all too hard and so I thought no I'm going to I'm going down the other road

I want to be part of the solution you'd been on air you'd been broadcasting from things like the 97

Grand Final victory and people in your community would associate you as this guy they've had a

really good time with in the past what was the reaction from the public when you started giving

public addresses on this subject um oh look I think I can remember the first few that I did

and bear in mind the first few that I did were very difficult for me because you're standing up

you're literally bearing your soul and my public speaking was okay but it wasn't polished to the

point where I could do a 45 minute or a one hour keynote what I sensed from just about every audience

was a real they were uncomfortable why why oh the subject matter the subject matter made them

feel uncomfortable because I was talking about the depths of depression and the signs and symptoms

of the depths of depression I was talking about suicidal thinking which is where I was when I was

depressed I had suicidal thoughts then you move on to oh then I had some medication I had some

anti-depressants oh then I went manic oh then I became psychotic and was delusional then I had

a wrestle with the police then I was put in a psychiatric hospital then I talked about what

it was like in the psychiatric hospital they're not easy things to for people to listen to

without feeling uncomfortable it's part of that because just about everyone has someone in their

family or their extended circle of friends who has mental illnesses of some kind or another

and they might have recognized something in their own lives from this yeah I think that's I think

that's very likely I think that's spot on actually when does that shocked reaction start to change

and have you noticed a change with talking about this subject oh definitely I've been speaking

now for 20 years so it's been and I've been speaking more more regularly for 20 years and I think

with just the sheer numbers of people who are reaching out for help now just the numbers of

you know there will be nine suicides on average in Australia today nine the suicide

in Australia is more than double the road toll every year so we're talking not we're not talking

about a small problem those numbers don't include those who attempt suicide and don't and survive

and it doesn't include those who contemplate suicide never act on it they think about it those

numbers only clue either so you know you can draw a I think you can safely say that these issues

impact on far more people than we would ever imagine maybe this is a really stupid question

but you are an advocate for encouraging people to talk more about their experiences of these

conditions what why is that a good idea to talk about it well it's a good idea to and here's the

difference this is not everyone is going to do what I do and and I get that and I think that's

you know it's each to their own the important thing in talking about it is to make sure someone

else knows someone else needs to know if you are in a suicidal state because there have been so many

family members have been so many people who've been lost to suicide who have never had that

conversation no one knows but they take their lives and then the family and the friends and the

work colleagues end up at the funeral and they go well gee I didn't ever see any signs of depression

I didn't know they had a problem this is a complete shock which it is however if people

feel more comfortable say yeah I'm struggling at the moment and I'd like you to know about it

and I'd like you to know that I am getting some help and so that I think is is the way it should

work we've got to be more open about these conversations even though they're difficult

conversations I want to stress and I'm sure you're the first to agree that's what's worked or not

worked for you isn't the same for everyone by any means everyone's got their own path in or out of

these these situations but you're now the main figure in this new documentary I mentioned called

The Promise which focuses on your story and your recovery and the act of talking about this and

presenting your own story is like holding it in your hand after a while and does it give you

like that kind of insight and a certain degree of control if you're able to tell your story as

like this thing you can hold in your hand and and curate Craig I'd much prefer to be telling

my story publicly myself rather than have someone else try to tell it for me because I'll put their

own nuances on it which is only normal and their own you know viewpoint so I'm happy with the

documentary I hope it's going to make a difference you've just very recently finished up at the ABC

after 25 years on air what was that like doing the last shift and I say this knowing fully well

what a community Newcastle is and how there might have been a little bit of buzz around you at the

time and a lot of interest and a fair bit of love and hugs and kisses as well what was that like

that last shift well the first part of the shift was pretty much normal actually it was a six hour

breakfast show it was a long shift up there six hour breakfast show six hours six hours yeah

piece of cake six to midday so but from 11 till 12 my colleagues have put together you know a

fantastic package there were bloopers there were messages I got a message from Peter Garrett I mean

that's pretty cool I had a message from Wayne Bennett which is also yeah he's a friend of yours

isn't he Wayne Bennett yeah we have known each other for a long time so and then of course I got

emotional because I said goodbye and thanked everybody and thanked the audience and family

and friends and colleagues and then because you is a sense of finality about it so I did get emotional

I knew I wouldn't that's fine Craig it's been wonderful speaking with you and thank you so

much for sharing your story today that's a pleasure thanks Richard

podcast broadcast this is conversations with Richard Fidler

hear more conversations anytime on the abc listen app or go to abc.net.au slash conversations

Craig Hamilton story is the center of a new documentary called

the promise and if this conversation has been difficult for you to hear please know that

help and support is available for you on lifeline you can call them anytime 13 11 14

I'm Richard Fidler thanks for listening

you've been listening to a podcast of conversations for more conversations interviews

please go to the website abc.net.au slash conversations

you

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