No Such Thing As A Fish: 488: No Such Thing As A Furby in Space

Hi everyone, welcome to this week's episode of No Such Things a Fish, which is the first

in our run of live summer shows at the Soho Theatre in London.

We have all sorts of amazing guests lined up for you for the rest of the summer.

I won't go into that now because I really don't want to spoil it, especially for the

people who have tickets.

But what I can tell you is that in this week's show we were joined by Jamie Martin.

Now you will know Jamie if you listened to No Such Things a Fish before because he has

been on quite a few shows, this is his third appearance, but of course he is most well

known for being one third of, let's be honest, the greatest British podcast of all time,

My Dad Wrote a Porno.

Now one important thing to say about that is that the My Dad Wrote a Porno team have

chosen some of their funniest moments from across the six season run, including some

unheard gems, and they'll be releasing best of episodes once a month, starting on Monday

the 31st of July.

I absolutely can't wait for those best of shows, I'm sure you can't either, but in

the meantime please do enjoy this week's episode of No Such Things a Fish with Jamie

Martin.

OK, on with the podcast.

Hello and welcome to another episode of No Such Things a Fish, a weekly podcast this week

coming to you live from the Soho Theatre in London!

My name is Dan Shriver, I am sitting here with Andrew Hunter Murray, James Harkin and

Jamie Morton, and once again we have gathered round the microphones with our four favourite

facts from the last seven days, and in no particular order, here we go, starting with

fact number one, and that is Jamie.

My fact this week, boys, is in 1782 a woman found a drag performance so hilarious that

she literally died of laughter.

Wow.

Probably not going to happen tonight, but not with me here for sure.

But yeah, isn't that mad?

Yeah, it's insane.

So this was an act that was a play called Beggar's Opera, and there was someone called

Charles Bannister who was playing a character called Polly Peacham, and yeah, to give us

a story.

Yeah, so Mrs Fitzherbert, suspiciously there's no first name, but she was the

widow of a Northamptonshire clergyman, so she was quite, it was quite salacious that

she was even at this kind of submersive show, and she found it so funny that this man came

out and he was described as Lantern George with five o'clock shadow and a double chin

in a lovely pretty dress, and she just found it so funny she just didn't stop laughing

for three days.

Oh wow.

That's the amazing thing, like she had to leave the theatre, didn't she?

Yes.

She was laughing so much, but that's not when she died.

No.

The newspaper report said she couldn't get the figure from her memory, so it's just

every morning she'd just wake up and go, ah!

I mean, what a sheltered fucking life.

I'm sorry, like if that makes you laugh that much to kill you, maybe it was a really good

show.

Maybe it was, you know.

Oh, the Beggar's Opera.

It's a classic.

And the actor, Bannister, he was one of the great actors of the day.

He was very funny.

Yeah, he was.

He was famous.

The good name too.

Charles Bannister.

Yeah, so John Gay, the Beggar's Opera actually, that was the first play which had songs in

it that were part of the narrative, the Beggar's Opera.

Oh.

It's pretty much the first musical, I would say.

Yeah.

And it was so popular there was a thing called Begamania.

And so you could go around, you could buy matchboxes, fans, fireguards, everything with this show

on.

Oh.

Oh, it's like no such thing as a fish.

On your tables there is a merchandise leaflet, I think it's got a QR code, a genuine

lily as I can see it right there.

Go nuts!

Get us in with that merch.

Jamie, please, we rely on this.

Drink it yourself.

We rely on the merch.

It's all that's keeping us going.

I was looking at people who had died on stage and I have a weird connection to one of these

people.

So Molière, very famous French playwright, actor, he collapsed on stage ironically playing

the lead in his final play called The Imaginary Invalid.

So he literally died playing a hypochondriac.

Right.

And I have also played the lead in The Imaginary Invalid.

Really?

Yes.

Yes, I know.

That's cool.

It's not that cool.

Thank you.

I sort of said that on autopilot Jamie, I wasn't actually thinking that is really cool.

You don't care at all.

But back in my youth when I used to tread the boards, I didn't die obviously.

The thing about him actually is because he was an actor, in those days actors couldn't

go to heaven.

So if you, I'm not sure anyone could, well, no, let's not get into that, that's an actual

medical matter.

But like, so the thing was, if you're an actor, it was like, yeah, you had to renounce your

acting job before you died.

So on your deathbed, you might say, oh, I was never really an actor or I wasn't a very

good one or whatever, and then you would be allowed to go to heaven.

If you've said, I'm really more of a playwright, I'm more of a sort of immersive media creator

really.

I facilitated the heathens, I wasn't one of them myself.

But yeah, and the thing was, is that that meant that he was buried without, he wasn't

allowed to be buried in a churchyard or anything like that because he died so quickly after

this event.

Oh, wow, okay.

I wanted to see Molly I played a few years ago.

And I...

Starring Jamie Morton?

Yes.

How was I?

Be kind.

It wasn't one with you in, but I did leave it halfway through.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

So in a sense, Molly died a second time that night.

Wow.

I'd say it's in the translation.

I think he was a fantastic playwright.

I'm sure he is.

There was a school party all around us.

It is, yeah.

It was tricky.

They were not having a good time.

Yeah.

And neither were we.

I've got a little quiz for you guys.

Oh, great, great.

All right, so this is...

I'm going to say a thing, right, an object, and you have to say what it's used for,

by the Royal Shakespeare Company as stage gore.

Okay.

Oh, great.

I love this game.

So in 2010, for example...

Oh, but Shakespeare specifically.

Yeah.

Okay, right.

These are all used by the RSE, right?

Right.

So in 2010, the Royal Shakespeare Company, they used three tins of lichies during their

summer season.

Uh, buboes.

Like...

Not buboes.

I play buboes.

Well, it wasn't actually an everyone play game.

No.

That's school parties in again.

Please do.

No, just...

Wait for a second.

Just let it...

Eyeballs.

Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They can edit that.

We can edit that, yeah.

No, well done.

Well done to the people who knew it.

And thank you.

Eyeballs.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

That's the cos...

What scene, yeah.

Where they blind the Duke of Gloucester.

Okay, cool.

Yeah.

He actually knew that's very British.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Okay, well, here's another one.

Chicken fillets.

Chicken fillets.

Boobs for bras.

To pump up the bras.

Actual chicken fillets.

Well, that's a real thing.

No, it's not.

No, that's not it.

That's a locally called chicken fillet.

They're not actual chicken fillets.

Well, I've got an Amazon delivery for my wife

that she's going to be very confused about.

Flapping skin and muscles.

Oh, nice.

Mike.

Yeah, no, it's...

Anyone in the audience?

Ears.

Ears.

It's tongues.

Tongues.

Oh.

And finally, tinned pears.

Tinned pears.

Tinned pears.

Tinned...

No, nothing.

Tinned pears.

I didn't even say that.

Did you say testicles?

I said half of it, and then I pulled back.

Yeah.

Well, I think testicles is a good call.

Yeah.

Okay, testicles.

All right.

Idiot.

You complete full deck.

No, it's penises.

It's penises.

Tinned pears for penises.

Sorry?

What?

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Andy.

What?

Sorry, what's the question?

I think they've been buying some really odd pears.

Or I need to see a doctor.

I think...

I think they're shaped a little bit,

but I think it's the consistency...

The consistency of a tinned pear.

Also...

What are they doing with these fake penises

that they need a good consistency?

Yeah.

I'm not sure I've seen that Shakespeare play

where they all get their cocks out.

Which one is that?

Yeah.

Is it measure for measure?

That's right.

Very good.

I don't actually... Yeah.

Wow, that's amazing.

There we go.

And they have a real...

Like, they have an amazing department.

And their fake blood is a...

Could it be...

Could it be that you put it in your stockings

and it gives you a shape, maybe?

I think it was for some...

There's some horrible...

Like, Titus Andronicus has lots of terrible torture

and gore and all this stuff.

So they...

Like, it's rare.

It's not...

Across the cannon that you need a tinned pear

in the department.

But they've got these...

Tinned pear?

Well, their fake blood recipe is secret.

And they've got three different consistencies.

And there was an interview with Helen Hughes,

who's one of their very senior prop and design people.

And she was being interviewed about fake blood.

And the interviewer asked her,

like, what kind of...

What do you use for your fake blood?

And she said,

what kind of blood?

There's venal blood, arterial blood,

newly dry blood, crusty old blood.

And they've got...

They can do all of it.

All the bloods.

She's an artist.

She knows her craft.

I know.

Yeah.

Helen.

So there was a story which is...

Because you got this story from a Giles Brandrith.

Anecdote book, didn't you?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, a theater anecdote book.

Yeah.

The word fact would be questionable.

But yes, I did.

But there was...

So there was a guy who was called William McCready.

And it was early 19th century,

Shakespearean plays that he was in.

And he forgot basically to put blood on his hand

because he was in Macbeth.

And he needed blood on his hand.

Yeah.

And he went to the side of stage.

And it wasn't there.

It wasn't on the side.

And he desperately needed it.

But there happened to be a bystander there.

So he punched him in the nose.

And I'll just swipe the blood off his nose

and ram back on.

Yeah.

According to Giles.

Yeah.

And that's where it falls down.

That's incredible.

But what happens when you die?

What do you mean?

What would happen to you as a person if you died?

What would you...

I think we're...

What would you become?

A ghost?

A ghost.

I got so into theater ghosts.

Oh, right.

Researching this.

There are so many.

Yeah, yeah.

Some of them are really tragic.

So actually where this woman died of laughter

at the Theatre Royal Jury Lane.

Yes.

They're kind of...

They've got...

I think it's the most haunted theatre in the world.

Or they claim that, you know.

And their kind of main event, their big star is the...

What's his name?

The man in grey.

Okay.

Who can be seen on like the upper circle, I think.

And he just like has a big cloak and is very menacing.

And it's actually founded in truth.

Because when it was being renovated in the 1800s,

they kind of found a bit of a fake bit of the wall

and they looked into it and it was a little cubby hole.

And inside that cubby hole was a skeleton of a man

with a dagger through his chest.

Wow.

And that's the exact place where this ghost

has been spotted for centuries.

Very cool.

Dan believes it.

Dan believes it.

The theory of everything else.

I think I feel like that would be retroactively

have been inserted into a wall in order to...

Really?

Yeah.

I've got very skeptical recently.

Wow.

We need to move on, guys.

Draw a next back.

To me, too.

Okay.

Well, laughter can be very dangerous.

Yeah.

Right.

So there was a study from the University of Birmingham.

It was a meta-analysis.

So they looked at loads of papers.

And they found that laughter can cause abdominal hernia,

dislocated jaw, incontinence,

fainting, infectious diseases,

because when you laugh, you breathe in a lot

and you get lots of germs in your mouth.

Thanks for coming, everybody.

There's a thing called Bohava's syndrome,

which is you laugh so much that you rupture your esophagus.

That can happen.

But despite this, they have laughing contests.

And this is becoming quite common in America now.

Basically, you go in and you just try and make each other laugh.

And there's loads of different types of laugh.

It's like best giggle and best knee-slapping laugh

and best belly laugh and stuff like that.

And apparently, the woman who won the American championship last year,

she didn't tell anyone until afterwards,

but she pissed her pants in the first round.

Oh, wow.

Is that an illegal move?

I...

It feels like it must be, right?

Yeah.

Wow.

It was only like a couple of years ago.

I pissed myself while laughing.

And it's honestly...

It's one of those moments where it's not embarrassing.

It's great.

It's a really wonderful feeling.

You feel like you've done laughter next level.

You feel like you've...

What was it?

It was a late night.

I was quite drunk.

Someone said a joke.

And I just laughed so hard that I just...

And it wasn't even like a little bit of wee.

It was like...

Like, total flood.

And I...

Honestly, I did not apologise.

I was like,

guys, you all need to try this.

I think we've forgotten how great this feels.

OK, well, we've got three more facts.

Yeah.

Stop the podcast.

Stop the podcast.

Hey, everyone.

This week's episode of Fish is sponsored by Canva.

Yes.

Canva is a design platform.

It allows you to create beautiful content in any format whatsoever.

Specifically, they have a thing called Canva for Teams.

So you and your team can design gorgeous things.

It might be social media posts.

It might be videos or presentations.

It makes it very easy to design digital content, which is lovely.

It is lovely.

And it has everything from premium fonts to photos that you can use.

There's graphics.

There's videos.

You could have your documents that you're sending out to business partners all done

up nicely.

You can have your presentations where you're showcasing the latest business

numbers or whatever it is you're showing out on the most stunning looking

possible thing.

And then you can even print them through Canva onto mugs, posters,

you know, whatever you like.

I actually used Canva recently and I used it to design a little invitation.

And it was very easy and nice.

Yeah.

And did you then print it onto a mug?

Yeah.

And it was RSVT instead of RSVP.

See.

A little joke about mugs having tea in them there.

So I guess the point that we're trying to make here is that if you want to design

and collaborate with Canva for Teams, you can right now get a free 45 day

extended trial.

All you need to do is go to canva.me.slashfish at canva.me.slashfish.

That's right.

So head to canva.me.slashfish.

Get that free 45 day extended trial and get designing.

Okay.

On with the show.

On with the podcast.

Okay.

It is time for fact number two.

And that is James.

My fact this week is that the first modern water bed was filled with jelly

rather than water.

The problem was that it was too heavy to move and started to go rancid

after a few weeks.

Isn't that incredible that it was jelly?

I find that one of the most astonishing facts.

Yeah.

It makes sense really, doesn't it?

If you want something, you know, nice and soft to lie on.

So was it like, was it, was the bed like kind of the mould,

the jelly mould, if you like, and you pour it in and then it sets?

Or was it?

Oh, I see what you're saying.

Yeah.

I guess it must have been really because you'd be weird to just shove in

solid jelly and stuff, wouldn't it?

I'm not quite sure.

He also used cornstarch as well.

So cornstarch would be soft, but then it's non-Newtonian.

So as you sort of push on it, it would get more solid.

Yeah.

But again, that went rancid as well.

This is a, what's a liquid that doesn't go rancid?

But he started it not as a bed.

It started as a chair.

Yeah.

So Charles Hall this is, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Charles Hall.

So it was called, the very first thing he invented,

it was called the incredibly horrible thing.

And it was, it was a chair.

It weighed 300 pounds.

It had liquid starch inside it and had a vinyl skin.

And the point was is that when you sat into it,

the chair would creep up around you because you were moulding into it.

Kind of.

Eventually.

Kind of, yeah.

Okay, so he made that.

Yeah.

But what he really, really wanted to do was make an entire room

that was a water bed slash chair.

Oh, wow.

So it was almost like a bit like a padded cell, I suppose.

But you would walk in, close the door,

and wherever you were, you would just sort of sink into the wall

or sink into the floor.

Oh, my God.

But it was only because it was so expensive to make

that he decided to go for the water bed instead.

Gosh.

It was so expensive, manufacturing the jelly or the materials.

Well, the thing is, if you want to buy a room,

you kind of need to have, buy a house as well.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, no problem.

If you need to, like, renovate your whole house to do that.

Whereas if you just want to buy a bed or a chair, you could rent.

Yes.

You could.

Oh, but I don't think I'd want to rent a water bed.

No?

I mean, you could rent a flat and put your water bed in it.

Yeah, you could do that as well.

Have any of you ever slept on a water bed?

Yeah, my parents used to have one.

What?

When I was a kid, yeah.

Really?

Yeah, really?

They're so uncomfortable.

Yeah.

Oh, are they?

They're horrible.

I think I've read about them and said they're amazing.

Like, they're the equivalent of pissing yourself while laughing,

you know?

Yeah.

But maybe mine was like, it was a friend's parents' bed

when I was a kid.

And it was like being seasick.

It would like move.

It was honestly vile.

Huh.

And it was really cold.

Like, they hadn't heated the water.

Oh, but you can get those now.

Oh, thank God.

Okay, well, that's all changed.

No, Charles Hall, these days, who invented this thing,

what, 50 years ago?

Yeah.

He now, he has two water beds now.

No, that doesn't sound very impressive,

but he's got...

Cos they come in different...

It's different bladders.

You can see how many bladders are there in your water bed.

So he's got one king-size single bladder.

Oh, wow.

But he's also...

If only you had a king-size bladder that night...

LAUGHTER

He's also got a...

In his guest room, he's got a double mattress

which has adjacent double bladders,

so you can heat one if you want your bed a bit warmer

than whoever you're sleeping next to.

Oh, really?

Oh, that's excellent.

You can hot water bottle your...

Your own?

Your whole...

Your bed is the hot water bottle.

Wow.

Oh, you're actually selling it.

Maybe we should all get one, guys.

That's incredible.

This first one was...

The one that Hall invented, I think it was 1968, he invented it.

He called it the Pleasure Pit.

And we should probably talk about the slightly...

There was a slightly sexy reputation they had.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

One of the manufacturers in the early days was called Wet Dream.

LAUGHTER

That was an advert.

I don't know.

It's not a great advert.

But it said,

She'll admire you for your car.

She'll respect you for your position,

and she'll love you for your water bed.

So it was a kind of...

Well, there was lots, because he had that to begin with.

So he had invented it, he had patented it,

but everyone just did sort of spin-off water beds,

and he said that there was one company he noticed

that it was sort of sexy,

because their other products were orgy butter,

and things like that, right?

LAUGHTER

And then when you read into it...

Orgy butter.

And I did a lot of googling on orgy butter.

We had to switch to orgy marge,

because of the cost of living.

Sorry.

So orgy butter was a thing.

Yeah, no.

And then when you look into, as you say, the sexual connotations

about the early sales of the water bed,

so a lot of it was that it was basically

like having a threesome,

because the bed acted as the third person,

because it moulded around you as you...

Oh, my.

It feels like a third person as part of the...

Hang on.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Just like...

I feel like you're all...

I'm taking this like I'm just telling you about my experiences.

Well...

These are the facts.

Well, you're telling us...

Your parents did have one, so you probably conceived in it,

were you?

Probably.

Are you from a water bed?

Probably.

You're a water baby.

That's nice.

Because, like, I don't want to be, like,

let's not get too graphic,

but, like, there's got to be a purchase problem.

Supposedly not.

Supposedly not.

It's a water bed.

Like, you're, like, sloshing around.

This is not...

Apparently, apparently...

Pidgey's of two...

They were good too.

Very popular.

I know they were popular.

At one point, I think a fifth of mattresses being sold

were water bed mattresses.

Yeah.

Yeah, I read that.

I thought that was...

In 1987, which is the year I was born.

LAUGHTER

And Hugh Hefner famously bought one for the Playboy Mansion

that was upholstered in Tasmanian possum hair.

Isn't that the most disgusting thing you've ever heard?

Also, because they're not...

Ever heard.

They're not very big.

Possums, are they?

So many Tasmanian possums have.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So it had this reputation for being very, kind of,

like, asexual aid.

Yeah.

Because, yeah, another tagline for it was,

two things are better on a water bed,

and one of them's sleep.

Hmm.

I know.

Like, one in five kinky people are just, like,

getting off, well, your parents, one of them.

Yeah.

Two of them.

Two of them, yeah.

Getting off on water beds.

And honestly, it must have felt so sick,

because it's the worst thing to sleep on.

Isn't there a point where you stop...

If you stop moving, the bed will eventually stop moving.

No, no, it keeps moving.

Oh, OK.

You're kind of like...

You're lost at sea.

It's an extraordinary experience.

I can't...

But that's another...

I could imagine you ringing up the coast guard.

LAUGHTER

Where are you?

Away from the sexual side,

it was also seen as quite therapeutic.

So, for example, the friends of Charles Hall,

when he first invented it, said,

well, you should name it the bed womb,

because it feels womb-like.

It feels very...

It's a good line.

It's a good line.

Get a bed womb for your bedroom.

Oh, call your therapist.

That's...

And so...

And then there was, in 1988,

the American Journal of Disease of Children

published an article in which they said that

for infants that were born to drug-addicted mothers,

if you kept them on waterbeds rather than bassinets,

that would be better for them.

This sort of constant womb-like movement.

Oh, right.

Going on as they sleep, yeah.

So it was seen as therapeutic as well.

Well, the thing is that he did invent the modern waterbed,

but actually there were earlier ones,

and they were used therapeutically.

So they were used during the war to prevent bed sores.

And these weren't like the ones that we had in the 80s,

but they were just kind of like...

I don't know, like, you know one of those blow-up mattresses

but with water inside of it.

Mark Twain wrote about them.

Elizabeth Gaskell wrote about them.

Charles Hall couldn't get a patent originally

because they'd been described by Robert A. Heinlein.

Quite a few of his books mentioned them.

And when he tried to get a patent, they went,

well, it's in all these science fiction books,

so you can't have invented it.

So he had to change a few things to get that.

But when they became quite lame,

which was quite quickly.

So they were, like, massive in the early 80s, right?

And then by the late 80s, they were really passe,

like no one really wanted them anymore.

And they had all these waterbeds,

they didn't know what to do with them,

and they gave them to dairy farmers,

and the cows would sit on them.

So...

Oh, they still do.

The Queen's cows.

They famously sleep on waterbeds.

The King's cows.

Well, now the King's cows, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I don't know if he's changed it, though, but, you know...

Sure, okay.

I've been waiting 70 years to kick those cows off that bed.

My cows now.

That's what he was waiting for.

So most, if you're...

They're so heavy.

As you say, they're so heavy.

Yeah.

Like a normal...

Is this impractical thing ever about you?

I know, like a normal mattress is quite heavy, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

But if you fill it with water, you're joking, you know?

It's like...

So some of them can weigh 900 kilos

if you've got a big double or a King's...

That's a lot.

That's a lot.

And there's a concern in some buildings,

if you're in a flat or you're on an upper floor, obviously,

and, you know, then it'll go through the floor.

Yeah.

And most New York leases contain a standard clause

which says no water beds.

Right.

Probably because of...

It's a bit...

You know, maybe it's just bureaucracy.

But in California, on the other coast,

the civil code says

landlords cannot discriminate against people who own water beds...

No.

As long as they have taken out water bed insurance.

Right.

Responsible thing to do.

It is.

It is.

Well, I quite like as well in 1990,

speaking of California,

the Compton Fire Department,

within their fire station,

changed all of the mattresses to water mattresses.

Not so that, like, if there was an emergency...

Just if they needed more water.

No.

No, no.

It was the effect on their back, apparently.

They...

Someone had said,

I sleep better on a water bed,

and so they all got...

But that's all been disproven,

that it doesn't actually help,

because there's a lot of things that helps

like your posture,

like your joints.

That isn't true.

Really?

Okay.

Yeah.

Apparently it's not true.

Right.

Water bed magazine.

Oh, yeah, I know.

In the 80s.

I tried finding it today.

Yeah, so did I.

Oh, my God.

No, no, nothing.

No, we need a soda thing.

Cool.

Great.

Okay.

But...

Brilliant.

I bought us a lot of orgy butter.

Oh, great.

Okay, good.

Good.

Can I ask you guys one last thing?

Yeah.

How often do you flip your mattress?

Ah!

You mean flip it over?

What...

I mean...

What other interpretation...

Are you...

I was double-checking,

because I thought I might have heard you say,

flick your mattress,

and I wasn't sure.

How often do you flick your mattress?

Twice a night.

No, how often do you flip it?

Well, this is what's amazing.

Not as often as I should, I'm sure.

Right.

And I was planning tomorrow

to flip my mattress.

Get out of here.

No.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

You weren't.

Because both Fenella and I

are falling off the edges

on both sides at the moment.

It's gone soft on the sides.

On the outer edge?

Yeah, on the outer edge.

Why is it not soft on the outer edge?

That's not going to help, though,

because it's still going to be the outer edge.

I feel...

I feel like it's upside down anyway,

because I noticed recently

I've been sleeping on a zip

the whole time,

and I'm pretty sure

that's the wrong side.

OK.

Some orgy butter,

I'll just sort that right out.

Just rub it in, you'll be fine.

Anyway, half Americans claim

they flip it every six months,

and I just think half Americans are liars.

I think no one possibly

does it that much.

But why should you flip?

I think...

I think it's...

It's...

No, it's...

I can tell you exactly why.

You get soft on the outside,

and then you fall off the bed.

That's why we're doing it.

Is it not to try and air it out

a little bit or something?

I don't know.

So it's not the same bit of you

always hitting the same bit of the mattress?

Right, OK.

So it refreshes it a bit,

it moves the scene around.

Because mattresses are disgusting,

because they're full of, like,

skin cells, sweat, like, bed bugs.

So I think this is the way

of just sort of redistributing

the skin cells and sweat.

Yeah.

You should really get...

They're so expensive, mattresses.

Yeah.

They're like thousands of pounds.

You can't just...

Because you should really replace them regularly, I think,

but that's why you should get a waterbend.

Oh, yeah, because you just changed the water.

Well, not even, you know.

Because water doesn't go rancid.

Unlike jelly.

Yeah.

To bring us back to the start of the fact.

Yeah.

I need to move us on to our next factor.

OK, it is time for fact number three,

and that is my fact.

My fact this week is that there used to be

a room in the Pentagon

where employees met specifically

to have Pokemon battles.

This is a discovery

that was made back in 2016.

Was there a situation room elsewhere in the Pentagon

where other officials

monitored the progress of those Pokemon battles

with big screens?

Do you think they have tables

where they're pushing a Pikachu along?

Yeah, exactly, yeah.

That's the situation room.

That's what it's for, yeah.

So this is Pokemon Go.

There was a huge craze,

particularly about... Still is.

Yeah, but there was a mo...

Well, James is...

What's that t-shirt you're wearing, James?

This is, I mean, this fact is up my street

because I do like Pokemon

and changing regimes in countries that I don't like.

So...

Oh.

James loves...

It's getting a bit political tonight.

James loves Pokemon Go so much.

I don't know if we've ever said this.

He likes it so much that when we went for a meeting,

for the first time ever,

we were going to have a Book of the Year,

no such thing as a fish book,

and we were going to pitch it.

We ended up being a bit late to the meeting

because we were following James,

but it turned out James had spotted a very rare Pokemon

down the road from where we were,

and we just blindly followed him,

and then we were like,

where are we?

And he was like, yes!

Snuffle off a gus or whoever it is.

LAUGHTER

It was that week they did a Sesame Street special, wasn't it,

of Pokemon Go?

OK, so here's the thing.

It's Pokemon Go, and Pokemon Go was the app,

and you would go and you would collect the Pokemons

in various different places.

You had to walk around, didn't you?

You would walk around and, yeah.

And then what they had as part of the app,

I've never personally played it,

so this is 101 for people that do.

You have gyms where you can take the Pokemon 2,

the Pokemon you have collected,

and they can train there,

but they can also battle for dominance of the gym,

and those would be plopped all over the world

in random spots,

and it just so happened that one was in the Pentagon,

and so anyone who was an employee there,

and it would be specifically employees,

because if you ever go on a tour of the Pentagon,

you have to leave your phone.

You're not allowed to bring your phone in with you,

so it was specifically employees

that were going to a very specific spot,

and then they'd battle each other for dominance of this gym,

and this was a huge problem

because the Pokemon app can track where people are going,

so their worry within the Pentagon

was that it shows the routes that people are taking,

so if there were secret passages within the Pentagon

or even just mapping out the general landscape,

that's something that the information

could possibly be hacked into and retrieved.

Someone might know that the Pentagon is pentagon-shaped.

I mean, that would be awful.

Do you imagine?

So they said no more Pokemon Go in the Pentagon.

Do you know why the Pentagon is pentagon-shaped?

I think this is amazing.

No.

It's because they were going to build it

on a pentagon-shaped piece of land,

and so they wanted the right shape of building

for that piece of land,

so it had to be a pentagon,

and then they decided to move it somewhere else,

and they thought,

well, we've gone so far with this shape,

we might as well keep it.

That's literally the only reason.

I mean, there's lots of good things about it being pentagon-shaped,

but the reason is just it was supposed to go on this bit of land.

That's incredible.

What are some of the good things?

Well, a circle is very good,

because you can get from one bit of a circle

to another bit of a circle really quickly,

and a pentagon is a bit like a circle,

but it's got straight edges,

so it's easier to build the circle.

Yeah.

It's more of a circle than a square.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Less than a hexagon.

Oh, sure.

Food for thought tonight.

And in the centre of the kind of circular pentagon

is a now-closed hot dog stand.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

During the Cold War,

the Russians always had at least two missiles

aimed at this hot dog stand,

because they thought that that was the pentagon's

most top-secret meeting place.

It was just where people got lunch,

but they were convinced that it was...

Was it because they saw people kind of congregate here?

Yeah.

And they'd be like,

that has to be the...

That's the heart of the pentagon,

when actually it was just a hot dog stand.

I know.

Was it part of the pentagon, this hot dog stand?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

It was inside.

I still feel like if the missiles hit it,

the other bit of pentagon would suffer some damage.

Yeah.

They're not really so specific the missile that it's like...

No, true.

I mean, you know.

But it's fascinating, I think.

Did they know that?

The hot dog owners at the time.

I think they did,

because everyone used to call it Ground Zero, didn't they?

That was the nickname for it.

The reason being,

that if the Russians hit,

it would become Ground Zero,

become flattened.

Blimey.

Right.

I read a thing that the pentagon own,

just their cool stuff division.

They own a laser,

which that's not the cool bit,

which can analyse who you are

based on your heartbeat alone.

Really?

So they'll...

You know, you have all of our hearts

with a unique cardiac signature.

How our hearts beat.

Yeah.

And they can point that laser at you

from 200 metres away,

and say,

there's Dan,

or whatever it might be.

What if I've just gone up a flight of stairs or something?

Would it change my heartbeat?

Or...

It would change, wouldn't it?

Possibly.

But maybe it changes with the same,

but it's still recognisably you.

Yeah, they go,

that's James,

and he's very unfair.

There's a few flaws to this thing, though.

It's called Jetson,

which is what they've developed.

And the flaws consist of the fact that

A,

we don't really have that bigger database

of people's unique heartbeats.

So when everyone's coming,

they can go,

ah, no, I didn't.

That's right.

And then the second flaw,

and this is 200 metres away,

we can do this,

is their claim.

The other problem is,

yes, they can do it

if you're wearing a T-shirt,

but if you're wearing a coat,

they can't get you.

Yeah, so it's half useful.

It's not as good as the fingerprint yet,

or the eyeball.

The lychee.

The lychee.

The lychee.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I was reading about the Pentagon

generally about tour guides,

because you can go there.

I imagine, Jamie,

that's somewhere that you might have gone,

but maybe not yet.

I haven't.

But you love this kind of stuff, right?

Oh, do you?

Yeah.

I actually have a friend

that works at the Pentagon.

Really?

He didn't reply to my emails

about fun facts about the Pentagon.

So the security's really high, guys.

We're safe.

Yeah.

But one of the things is,

there's stats that you get told about the tour guides

that work there,

and one of it is that they walk

two to three miles per day,

but entirely backwards.

Because when they're doing their tours,

they never turn around to lead,

because they always need eyes

on the people that they're taking

on the tour guide.

So they guide themselves.

What?

Yeah, they guide themselves by landmarks.

So as they're walking back the go,

there's the fire extinguisher.

That means, you know,

10 steps until you get to the next corner.

Then I can round it like that.

And so, yeah,

every day, two to three miles of backward walking

is what they get.

And there's loads of ramps.

So that's really quite impressive

to walk down a ramp backwards.

Because, you know, there's like no lift to the Pentagon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was built with one lift.

Yes.

Because it was built during...

Because it was made of concrete.

Yeah, it was made of concrete.

In fact, it's nicknamed the Concrete Cobb Web,

which is cool.

And it had one lift for 33,000 people

in the early days,

because you can't make lifts out of concrete,

I suppose.

Right.

And they were saving steel for the war efforts.

They didn't want to...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But they've now put some more in.

They've now got dozens and dozens.

Yeah.

I love the idea of you repeatedly

emailing your friend,

who's in the middle of looking at a screen,

and there's like a bomb counter on it.

I know.

And he's like,

oh, it's somewhere in Ulaanbaatar,

but I don't know where.

It's just ping, ping.

Hi, just wondering if you saw my previous...

I was like, fun fact-request email.

Is it true that they used to have

office chair races down the ramps

in the Pentagon?

Yeah.

That's all I wanted to know.

I think what he's really going is,

God damn it, snuff-a-luffagus.

Come on, win this Pokemon battle.

No, we can't, because they've banned the Pokemon.

Oh, yeah, of course.

They also banned...

Yeah, well, that was the whole thing,

that you aren't allowed it anymore, right?

Yeah, it's out.

It's out.

Because they're like banning things

left and right at the Pentagon,

like TikTok's now banned at the Pentagon.

But they also banned Furbies.

Oh, yeah.

In 1999.

Because they record...

What do you say?

Well, they don't,

but they kind of marketed themselves

as that it's like the thinking toy

or the chatty toy or something.

I don't know.

And they were, like, concerned that it would be

a security risk that they would, like, yeah,

record what you were saying

and then say it back to you.

That's so funny.

I think it's fair enough to ask people

not to bring Furbies in.

It's like...

It was actually the spying thing.

It's weird having to bring your toy

to work at the Pentagon.

Well, you say that.

The Pokemon Go is just as kind of...

Yeah?

...maybe childish.

Yeah?

You know?

But the...

For what?

I think we say for all ages, rather than...

Sure, sure.

It's a game.

Three in the end,

so maybe they say it's...

LAUGHTER

Yeah, going on behind.

Well, the Furbies was really interesting, wasn't it?

Because they...

The way they worked is they had a stock number

of English words they had,

and they had a stock number of Furbies words.

They were just like...

All that kind of stuff.

Yeah.

And it started off,

they could just say the Furbie words.

And then as you owned it for longer and longer,

it kind of put more and more of the English words

into the vocabulary.

And so people thought that they were picking up words

you were teaching them.

But actually, it was just programmed to do that.

But that's a bit like how it is with children, isn't it?

Yeah.

Like, they start off talking complete nonsense,

and then by the end of their saying,

like, no, no, or dog, or whatever.

Oh, no!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that's kind of...

No, that's true.

Maybe that's why they made the Furbie like that.

Yeah, I guess so.

Or maybe your children are actually fake.

LAUGHTER

Prove me wrong.

Which is more likely, Andy, I don't know.

But yeah, like, the guy or the CEO of the company

that made Furbies had to come out and say,

this isn't true, our Furbies actually aren't as clever

as we've been lying about.

Wow.

And he also said, you know,

there was a rumor that they could send...

They had enough technology to send something into space.

And they said that one woman...

Wait, wait, wait, sorry.

Yeah.

Let's break that down a bit.

Wait, what are the...

Somebody thought the Furbies had so much power

that they could send a rocket into space.

Are we talking about a complete Cape Canaveral setup?

Yes!

I don't know, Furbies are all the deaths.

Like, there's a Furbie in it with the briefcase going on to the ship.

Actually, if Elon Musk zips down his jacket,

it's just Furbies all the way up.

He is a Furbie.

What does that mean?

They could send a rocket to space.

It's the AI worry of its day, I guess, right?

Yeah, it wasn't true, that's what he was saying.

Cos he also said that there was a woman

who was absolutely insisting that her Furbie

was singing Italian operas.

That also wasn't true.

But she was hearing...

She was convinced that she taught this Furbie an aria,

and she's like,

my Furbie's really good at opera.

And he's like,

they literally don't have that capability.

So they kind of had to backtrack on all of their marketing campaign

of that these were like, yeah, clever toys,

but they were actually all pre-programmed.

Scam, wasn't it?

It could be a haunted Furbie.

And that's a ghost, I will believe it.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

Imagine the next, like, crewed moon mission

that gets there and finds they have built their own society

without us noticing.

The Furbies beat us to it, damn it!

The dark side of the moon is entirely Furbie

owned and operated now.

Have you heard of Tia Pikachu?

No.

So she is a Chilean schoolteacher,

and they've had a load of protests in Chile

against the government,

and she decided to go dressed as a giant Pikachu.

The reason being that her seven-year-old son

had maxed out her husband's credit card

buying Detective Pikachu merchandise.

They managed to send loads of it back,

but some of it they couldn't send back,

and this giant sort of inflatable Pikachu

they couldn't send back.

Okay, so then they have some protests in Chile,

and she decides,

well, I'm just going to go dressed as a Pikachu,

because why not, it's a protest.

And she just became really, really, really famous

because there was video of her being water,

like, fired with water.

Cannon?

Water cannon, yeah, in a big Pikachu costume,

being forced back.

She was shot with rubber bullets,

dressed as Pikachu.

It's absolutely amazing,

but because she became so famous,

she is part of the team

who are writing the New Chilean Constitution.

So after the protest,

they decided that they were going to write a new Constitution.

So every five clauses, it's just going to say

pika, pika, pika.

Stop the podcast.

Hello, everybody, just wanted to let you know

we are sponsored this week by Squarespace,

the fabulous website design website.

That's right, yeah, a design website for websites.

If you are looking to have your own website,

this is the website to go to.

There are so many things that you can do

using Squarespace to design

your perfect website, be it for business

or personal use, you can do things

like create your own merch, for example.

You can actually design it on Squarespace

and then, using the feature of the online store

that they provide as well, you can then

send your merchandise to whoever you want

and it will deal with the production,

inventory and shipping, all done for you.

There are so many templates that you can use

to design the best looking version of the website

and also, Andy, you get very excited by this,

there's a fluid engine.

Ooh, I do, fluid engine, it's basically

the next generation website design system

they've got, it allows you to start

with a brilliant template and then

customize every single detail very easily.

So, if you would like to get your

entrepreneurial website going today,

just go to squarespace.com,

that'll get you a free trial,

and then, when you're ready to launch

your entrepreneurial website, you go to

squarespace.com slash fish and you'll save

10% of your first purchase of a website

or a domain. That's right, so

squarespace.com, head there first

for your free trial and then once you've

got it all going, looking good,

head to squarespace.com slash fish

and you're gonna get 10% of your first purchase

of a website or domain.

Do it now.

Okay, on with the show.

On with the podcast.

It is time for our final fact of the show

and that is Andy.

My fact is that, in 1972,

a family who had survived a shipwreck

kept themselves alive

by giving each other turtle blood

enemas.

Guys, it's a lighthearted and funny fact.

Um...

I just imagine, like, that family

seeing each other at Christmas. Yeah.

You know, they haven't said, should we talk about...

No, let's never talk about that again. Never talk about it again.

No, go on, give us the context.

This comes from an amazing piece that was in the Financial Times

by a writer called Kitty Drake and she was interviewing

people who had

real knowledge of

shipwreck and being cast away

and she spoke to a man called Douglas Robertson

who

was sailing around the world with his family,

his siblings and his parents.

He was 18 years old and their yacht

was attacked by killer whales.

So they were halfway across the Pacific.

They completely battered the yacht.

The family all abandoned ship into a small dinghy

that was, I think there was

seven people, six or seven people

in this dinghy that was designed for one fewer

than the number of people who ended up in it.

They were 200 miles from the Galapagos

and the wind was going in the wrong direction.

So they were really in trouble.

They spent 38 days stranded in the Pacific

and they were sailing towards the doldrums.

They were trying to get weirdly to the doldrums

because there was a better chance of being spotted

and detected where they were heading to.

So the doldrums is where there's not as much wind or...

Exactly, sorry. Yeah, the region where there's

no wind but it does get lots of rain.

So anyway, so they're in big trouble.

They did manage to get some turtles on board

and they had to hunt the turtles that approached them

and they used their blood as soup.

So that's a good thing.

Then, unfortunately, the water ran very low

and they only had the old fish-polluted rainwater

in the bottom of their dinghy

and it wasn't safe to drink.

But the mother of the family, Lynn, was a nurse

and she realized you could absorb it safely

through your bottom.

And so everyone in the family got a rain...

Guys, this is funnier than we're...

LAUGHTER

I feel like a tension in the room.

They all make it. They all made it and they got picked up.

It was all right. Oh, spoiler alert.

Sorry. They were all right.

But anyway, she worked out brilliant and intuition

that you could absorb it through your bottom.

So everyone in the family got a rain and turtle blood enema

and it gets into your system

but it doesn't go through your digestive system.

I'm getting confused when you say the enema bits.

What do you mean? Up the bum.

Squirt it up the bum. Oh!

What have you been researching? Well, because I read...

I read...

Oh!

Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, just...

Where does the orgy butter go?

Think in those terms.

That's way more disgusting than what I thought.

Yeah, it's horrible.

LAUGHTER

Cos that's the thing, like, it's not just turtle blood enemas.

It's disgusting.

Rainwater, it's like infected fish guts, water.

I think what... It's foul.

So the point is... But ingenious.

If you drink this stuff,

it's got all sorts of horrible things in it

and it can make you really, really sick.

Now, if you go the other way... Yeah, yeah.

Then there's a way for the water to go into your body

through your rectum. Yeah.

But because you're already getting disgusting things

going down there anyway, your body is protected

against those disgusting things. Exactly.

So you can still get the water,

but it won't get the bacteria and all that.

So here's what I thought.

I thought they were removing the rectal membrane

from the turtles and using that

as a bag to collect the water.

Genuinely, that's what they do.

I'd like to collect the water.

No, you need to collect water to drink it

through your fucking mouth.

How much water are you collecting?

It's got a massive fucking shell on it.

If you want to keep water...

If you ever get a turtle and you want to keep water,

don't take the little bag out of its anus.

Just turn it upside down.

We've got to get to its asshole.

LAUGHTER

Jesus, wow.

Turns out it's Dan's last appearance

on those things as well.

I'd love to see you

on, like, one of those reality shipwreck shows done.

LAUGHTER

Meanwhile, on Dan's Island,

things have gone for a bad for worse.

LAUGHTER

Cool, that makes you... Oh, Daniel.

Weirdly, I still think your one makes less sense.

LAUGHTER

I mean, it's incredibly clever.

It's incredibly clever, and it is the thing

that saved their lives.

And they all just trusted Lynn when she said that?

She's a nurse.

I get that, but, like, how often are you...

She's a nurse, though.

OK. That's not common knowledge, I would say.

I don't know.

What I think is amazing is that there was the group,

there was the husband and the wife,

and I think they had...

Was it three or four kids?

It was three. There were four, but one of them

got off before this leg of the journey.

That was lucky. Fuck that!

It's cool, I'll die. I'll just die.

It takes someone up.

So, in this family of everyone putting stuff up their ass,

there was one guy who'd only just met them.

LAUGHTER

Did you read his name?

He was called Robin Williams, weirdly.

Was he? Yeah.

And he'd just taken a job on the boat in return for his birth,

and, you know, just...

Yeah.

It was so funny.

It sounds like such a tough journey.

They had to spend six hours a day just blowing the dinghy up,

you know, just because it was constantly losing air.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've got nothing else to do, to be fair.

Well, you know, passed the time.

Yeah. And they eventually got back, didn't they?

They did.

And then the husband and wife just immediately divorced.

No! Did they really? Yeah, I'm afraid so.

So, the guy who was kind of took them on this trip,

Douglas, he wrote a book

and went to live in the med,

and his wife became a farmer.

Oh, wow.

Oh, because they were farmers before they said that?

They were, yeah, yeah. So, they completely...

They split up, yeah.

Oh, that's sad.

Did you hear... There was a recent

someone stranded out in the ocean

and having to get by with what materials they had,

and it was a guy called Elvis,

and he was found

120 nautical miles northwest

of Columbia's

Puerto Boliva. I don't know how to pronounce that.

Lovely. Yeah.

And he survived.

He was on the hull of his sailboat,

and so someone saw that, but he was stuck out there

for a long time.

And he was 24 days, I think, he was out there,

and he survived almost exclusively

on tomato ketchup from Heinz.

Wow. And so that became the story when he got back,

and so they found him after being missing

of all this time, and then Heinz decided

that they wanted to give him a new boat

because they thought this was amazing.

I thought you were about to say, like, give him some more ketchup.

Yeah, yeah. No.

That's a much better...

They've done it. They've done that.

Well, for ages, they couldn't find him,

so he disappeared again, but just into his normal life,

because he didn't make a big fuss of it.

So there was a huge campaign

to find the missing boat guy,

and they found Elvis, basically.

I mean, it was, yeah, a hard hashtag to use,

but they found him,

and he's now got his boat. That's great.

Tomato ketchup is exclusively, yeah,

what he was surviving on.

You can, just a tip

for any of us who gets shipwrecked,

do have a plastic bag if you can.

If you don't have a turtle to have.

Yes.

Why would that be?

Well, you use a bag of water.

What are you using this bag of water for, guys?

Drinking it out of?

Making fire.

You can make fire with a bag of water.

Oh, like a lens.

Like a lens. If it's a clear bag, do make sure it's a clear bag.

A lot of caveats on this.

No, a bag for life.

Ironically, a bag for life wouldn't work.

That is...

LAUGHTER

And you'd be kicking yourself, wouldn't you?

Pay 30 papers!

LAUGHTER

No, a bog standard, like a clear plastic bag.

If you can make it into a round shape,

you can use that to focus the rays of the sun

onto your tinder.

And then, and it makes fun,

and if you don't have a plastic bag, you can use a light bulb.

If you don't have a light bulb...

Just have an idea.

LAUGHTER

Excuse my ignorance.

Like, would it not

melt the plastic?

Or is that a stupid thing to ask?

It's not a stupid question, but I don't think it would.

I don't know why.

Maybe because the point at which the rays focus

is going to be the hottest point, which is not

on the surface of the bag.

It's on whatever you're pointing at.

I was reading some advice from a guy called Paul Hart,

who is the Royal Navy's...

He's a Lieutenant Commander for the Royal Navy,

and he was asked, if you get shipped wrecked on an island,

what should you be doing in order to survive?

So he wrote this big list of stuff,

and so here's the quiz-like moment here.

Oh, great.

OK, so your boat has crashed on the shore,

or your airplane has crashed into

the ocean, and you've made it to shore.

What is the first thing

that you should be collecting in order to survive?

From the aircraft?

You're on an island, yes.

The food?

OK, so food would be a good one.

I would say the eight single CDs

that I carry with me

everywhere I go.

A copy of the Bible that you always have?

A copy of the Bible. And what would your luxury be?

A lovely bottle of Tabasco sauce.

Oh, lovely!

So the answer is, he says...

No, no, no, a lifetime supply of Marmite.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Get that right.

Orgy butter, if that's not available.

One of the same to him.

Life jacket? Life jacket, no.

The seats can be used as flotation devices.

I'm trying to remember what they've said to me.

Things that you're going to take from your wreckage

or things that are on the island?

No, things that you take from the wreckage.

Oh, something to say, the radio from the...

A knife? No.

Well, knife is yes, it's up there, but he says...

A clear bag. A clear plastic bag.

That's it, that's it.

He says Wellington boots.

Oh, OK. What?

Sorry, when do you get on a plane?

Do they just hand you some Wellington boots?

He's saying any kind of very strong footwear

that you can have. Hi, OK.

Because you're going to be going into the ocean a lot

in order to get food, you're going to be travelling.

Injury is the thing you need to avoid, most of all.

And your feet are most likely to be getting injured.

Because actually, on that Ryanair thing,

it tells you to take off your high heels

before you jump on the slide, doesn't it?

Yes. And you're saying...

You're saying keep them on?

Is that...?

No, so that's the biggest thing.

That's interesting, yeah.

Wellies, it is quite a niche thing

as James just said to have on that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It makes sense.

I would personally get a knife,

because then you can fashion some sort of like...

Fashion... Make some... Oh, come on, babe.

No, wellies! Come on!

But you could like...

Either you're going to carve your own...

No way.

You know what I mean?

A knife surely is the most important thing,

because that can...

You can make shoes for yourself.

You can tap the rubber tree,

and you've got your own wellie factory, then.

Look!

You could trade the knife for some wellies

if there's some local wellie owners.

There are local wellie owners.

I don't think you need the wellies.

You can just leave.

You're probably...

You're in North Devon.

Oh, my God.

That's so funny.

I read the US Army Survival Manual.

Oh, yeah? Oh, of course you do.

To see if enemas were part of their...

Yeah. ...suggestion.

There is one mention of enemas

in the whole survival manual,

and the idea is to use warm water enemas

as a way to treat hypothermia.

Oh, OK.

Apparently, it's good because it warms you up from the inside,

if you think about that.

The thing that they said to drink

is the aqueous fluid

found along the spine and the eyes

of large fish.

Right. Oh, gosh.

Isn't that interesting? Is that because it's less salty than...?

So everything else that's in the fish,

all the other bodily fluids,

have got lots of protein, lots of fat,

so it's going to make you more thirsty.

But just the water around the eyes

and the water around the spinal fluid,

that stuff is just perfect.

Right. I just want to quickly mention this guy,

because one of the other things

at this Paul Hart that I was talking about,

the guy who said that Wellington Boots

or what you need is... Oh, yeah.

One of the things that he said that was really important

was having positive mentality.

That's the main thing. As soon as you crash,

you go, fantastic, this is great.

And if you can keep that mindset,

then you're going to be fine.

And that really kind of is...

That comes into play when you read about the story

of Jose Salvador Alvorenga,

who was a guy who was out at sea with one other person

for 438 days.

They were lost out at sea,

and it was a positive mentality that kept him going.

And when he was interviewed by a journalist

who wrote a book about it, he said,

what's the thing that you remember most about it?

He said,

I imagine good food,

and I had the best sex in my life.

And he used to...

So they used... The two guys used to see the planes

that would fly over that would never see them,

and they would go,

what do you think they're eating up there?

And they would picture the food that they were eating.

And then they'd have sex with each other.

No, they never...

They both would then have...

Also, the best food of their lives on a plane.

Has he been on a plane?

Yeah, great.

Better than whatever they were eating up their assholes

at that time.

They're on a dingy.

Diggy food is terrible.

What's that all about?

Yeah.

So he used to... Both of them would do this.

They would sit, but him particularly,

he'd sit there every day, he'd close his eyes,

he'd imagine that they'd actually crashed onto a beach,

and there was a beautiful woman walking towards him,

and they would have sex.

And he said every day, he just had amazing sex in his head,

and that kept him positive.

The other guy died, right?

Did he?

I think so, yeah.

He wasn't positive enough.

God's sake.

Unbelievable.

If you were just a bit more positive,

as he's throwing him off the edge of the dingy...

I was going to ask, actually,

who...

No, just quickly.

Say the three of you got shipwrecked.

I'd die first.

Who do you think would survive?

I would die first. The fur.

I'd die within 30 seconds.

I would start an egg.

We're going to have to eat him.

There's a guy selling willing to do something.

No, no.

Cannibalism returned

to North Devon today.

Oh, God.

And Dan's probably the most positive, so I guess you will.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dan will be having fantastic sex.

And eating delicious plain food.

Oh, God.

What a treat.

All right, we need to wrap up.

That is it. That is all of our facts.

Thank you so much for listening.

If you'd like to get in contact with any of us

about the things that we have said over the course of this podcast,

we can be found on our Twitter accounts.

I'm on at Shriver Ladd, James.

At James Harkin.

At Andrew Hunter M.

And Jamie. At Uncle Eagle.

Yep.

Or you can get us on our group account, which is at no such thing.

Or you can go to our website, no such thing,

as a fish.com.

All of our previous episodes are up there.

Do check it out, as well as Club Fish.

Very exciting place.

But that is all for tonight.

Thank God.

Putting an end to this.

That was awesome.

Thank you for coming to our show tonight.

We're going to be back again next week with another episode.

And we'll see you then. Goodbye.

Machine-generated transcript that may contain inaccuracies.