The Therapy Crouch: Youth is Wasted on the Young

I thought you got slapped once.

You literally said, paint bed now.

Three words, paint bed now.

How vile is that?

Like, am I supposed to go, oh, yeah?

Now I'm banged up for it.

Hello and welcome to the therapy crouch with me, Abby Clancy.

And me, Peter Crouch.

That was really thought-formal.

Was it?

Quite formal, yeah.

Considering the one we did before, which we can't.

Was, hey, welcome.

Welcome.

Why didn't you do that?

It seems I can't do anything right in your eyes.

Why?

Mr. Perfect, go on, you do it.

What do you mean?

You say hello and welcome, then?

Hello and welcome to the therapy crouch with me, Peter Crouch.

And me, Abby Clancy.

Much better.

Now, I just want to say joking aside,

thank you for your ongoing support.

We have been overwhelmed.

It's crazy to think that so many of you, like our podcast,

when we are just, you know, our aim is to help people

and to give some reputable advice.

But I think we just have a laugh.

That's been fun, yeah.

But like I say, it's nice to sit down and chat to each other,

you know, without the kids disturbing us.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear producer Ross.

Happy birthday to you.

So this leads me quite nicely into my wine of the week, actually.

OK.

Because I asked Peter to get you a birthday cake,

and this is what he came back with.

Xbox.

It's a frigging controller.

Ross, do you want to make a wish?

Come on.

I know you're not getting double pay

because we're filming on bank holiday.

You can frig off.

Yay!

Well done, mate.

Yeah, I've got you.

It was between that and a tiara cake.

Princess tiara.

But I went for the Xbox cake because I know you're a big fan.

Happy birthday, Ross, man.

Thank you very much.

How old are you today, darling?

Twenty-seven.

The big two-seven.

The big two-seven.

Twenty-seven, Club.

Fuckin' hell.

I wish I was twenty-seven.

You wish you were thirty-seven.

How was your weekend?

What did you do over the weekend?

We've had, actually, a lovely weekend.

It's kind of really busy with kids' school parties.

Seems to be a busy time.

The bulk beats must have started like nine months ago.

Quite, like, there's a lot of birthdays.

There's a lot of birthdays.

This time.

Yeah.

April, May, June.

But, yeah, so Ab went to one party with one of the kids

and I went to another.

I lucked out, really, because the sun was shining.

The kids were happy.

I could see them and the food at Dad's were there

and we just had a few beers.

Yeah.

I had a touch.

Meanwhile, I'm running through the fucking forest

on Epsom Downs, chasing Geoffrey.

Geoffrey's just demolishing the whole party food table.

Going in bin bags.

Yeah, he's just a scavenger.

I wouldn't have done that if I was there.

Oh.

Geoffrey, Geoffrey, shit.

I actually love it.

It's that, what is it, the matriarch, the patriarch?

You're the master.

Yeah, I run the show with Geoffrey, don't I?

I'm so pleased with it, because I just don't run the show

with anyone else in this household.

No one listens to me.

I say, kids here, they go, piss off, Dad.

We've had a lovely weekend jam pack with kids' parties.

We went for a lovely Sunday roast.

Yeah, it was nice.

Which Pete was mortified that I complained about.

It's not on worse than going out for a shit roast.

No, but you just prefer your own roast, don't you?

Like, you get used to a certain thing.

Like a red wine Jew, right, is not what you want.

I can't bear a red wine Jew.

You want, like, a Tobi.

Fuck off with your red wine Jew.

Give me some Bisto now.

Yeah, don't put red wine in it.

Just, like, just granulate, do you know what I mean?

To be fair, I make the best gravy on this.

I'm going to give you a little rundown.

I love your gravy.

Oh, yeah, the listeners all love this.

OK, so if I'm making it.

Dundown on the gravy.

Do you want a lamb or a beef gravy?

Lamb.

OK, so I've got me like a lamb.

It's rosemary and garlic, up to fuck.

Amazing.

Juicy.

So, gravy time.

I get my pan, boil and water.

I get the juice out of the meat, pour it in.

Extra garlic, little splash of red wine.

Are you putting red wine in it?

It's only a tiny bit.

Two lamb stock cubes, an oxo,

and Bisto gravy granules, mix it up.

It's phenomenal.

That does sound good.

It's phenomenal.

No, it is.

I like your gravy.

I've just never asked what you do.

But it's so easy and, you know, I cannot stand a red wine Jew.

I just, it's just when it's too, it's too, like, rich.

It's like, it's a posh gravy, isn't it?

You don't want posh gravy.

Do you remember when I was pregnant and just wanted a toby carvery?

Like, it had to be a toby carvery and I don't know why.

It was just something about it's kind of school dinner,

school Christmas dinner-esque.

They are nice though.

Can't deny it.

Can't deny it.

School dinners, those kind of school dinners.

Actually, I'd like to go back and have one of those.

I used to complain at the time.

Didn't know how, nobody was born.

The years of eating abby spoons.

Thought I was skilled at that.

I used to have sausage chips and beans every day.

Oh, lovely that, yeah.

I used to, you know, I used to eat at break time.

When I went to high school, it was more like there was more fast food.

Yeah, or secondary school.

Secondary school.

I used to go to town in the break before lunch.

I used to have a burger and a pizza.

In the break.

Why are you so thin then?

I was highly tuned, definitely.

My mum used to give me like £20 for the week

and I'd literally spend it on the first day.

Do you remember going round to all your friends in school?

You got 10p?

Did you used to do that?

You got to spend 10p?

Remember the burgers used to be like 30p, you know?

I used to get, we used to go to the dairy and get these,

ugh, like it was like a big crusty carb.

And they used to have this like the meat slicer,

big turkey on there, turkey, salad, mayonnaise, onion.

And then they used to make these homemade chocolate cakes.

Oh my God, unreal.

I went for a lovely ladies lunch,

something that I don't do quite often.

Because I don't know why I don't do that much.

I always say to you, you should, you know?

I think because I'm just so busy, like with work and the kids.

There's no time.

I always forget to kind of socialise.

Do you know what I mean?

You get everything you need from me, don't you?

That's why I usually...

I do, I actually do.

And I actually feel weird if you're not there.

But yeah, no, I think you should do that more often, you know?

Yeah, so my friend,

his lunch is amazing wine called Lady A.

That was named after me, obviously.

And no, no, it wasn't.

And we had a gorgeous lunch in the IV

and it was nice to catch up with everyone and

he come and met me at the end

because I was scared to get cap home alone, gentlemen.

See, she was dead.

They say, they say it's dead, but it's not.

Yeah, and she was bladded, you know?

I'm not going to beat around the bush there.

She was hammered.

But I had no hangover, just a testament to the wine,

because it's quite difficult to find a rose wine

that doesn't kill you the next day.

The hangovers of roses are normally phenomenal.

Well, do you remember we did...

Do you remember the South France that time we went?

And we drank it, like, throughout the afternoon

and had a big lunch and carried on all night,

but it was hot and I wasn't drinking any water,

so I was dehydrated on the rose all day.

Do you remember? I was lying there...

Dehydrated, Bender.

Yeah, do you remember?

And, like, it was about two in the morning

and I was literally crying with the headache

and I had to wake you up.

And do you remember you putting, like, wet towels

on flannel on my forehead?

He actually got in the pool in the middle of the night.

I got up and I went for a swim.

So I'm doing breaststroke at three in the morning

to just cure this headache that I had.

And I'm not one for a headache, am I?

Or I hangover, really.

And I was doing breaststroke at three in the morning.

Dunking your head under the water, but...

It sort of helped in a weird way.

And then I got in the pool after I'd done that.

Shut up.

So, my wine of the week is...

I just don't know how long I can go on

with these sexual emojis that he keeps sending me.

It's just driving me insane.

So, like, if the kids...

If the kids, like, go to school and he hears me,

like, put the key in the door.

I mean, no one's in the house.

I just get a beaver and an aubergine emoji text.

And I'm just like, what the fuck is that?

No, I'm not even going to say the last one.

You can imagine what it is.

There's three emojis.

It's got a bit of hydration in there.

Chalk.

How vile is that?

Like, am I supposed to go, oh, yeah?

Now I'm banged up for it.

What are you going up for now?

It's a little beaver like this.

Oh, beaver.

Like, the beaver emoji, I think,

is the best emoji out of the lot.

I think it's incredible.

It's just a little beaver.

But what is that about?

Is that actually, like...

Do you think you're going to get lucky with those messages?

I'm just letting you know.

I'm just putting my cards on the table.

And it's always by text and not WhatsApp as well.

So, because we WhatsApp each other daily.

You're wearing the text, I know.

Because you switch off the notifications on WhatsApp, don't you?

I didn't.

I hate people.

No, no, not the blue text.

If you're a blue tick, turn around for her.

Can't be trusted.

Yeah, no, I agree with that.

Red flag.

It's called red flag.

I'm talking about notifications.

Like, it doesn't come through to your phone

because you have all the groups,

so you have to silence them.

So you just go into WhatsApp and see it.

Whereas with a text...

Do you know how to silence a group?

No, no.

You just turn your notification off

so you don't get ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

How do you do that?

I don't do that.

We should do that.

Have you seen that?

You know those groups?

There's like 200 messages.

You can't have your phone just going all day.

Mine does.

Yeah, just turn it off.

I didn't even know that was an option.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't have that.

So that's why sometimes...

I love when people leave the group, don't you?

Yeah.

I love leaving a group.

It's so funny.

So passive aggressive though.

It's so passive.

It's unreal.

It's like, there's nothing in this group

that I want to hear anymore.

Not one thing.

We're on a Portugal group with Caroline, John, Katie and Flau.

Nobody knows who they are, though.

Yeah, but they're our friends.

Caroline and John got a mention last week.

A few weeks ago.

John just left the group.

Yeah, yeah.

He just had enough.

I couldn't believe that.

I get that.

Well, mate, I've had a couple of lads do that once.

Just leave the group.

They just got re-added straight away.

Can you take people out of the group?

Yeah, I think so.

Can you?

I've never been to the admin.

I believe so.

I've never been to the admin.

I've never set up a group I wouldn't know how to.

I'd love to know.

But getting back to it,

like that, I know that that text is going to get through.

I need it to get through quick.

It's a beaver.

The beaver aubergine emoji.

I've got a five minute window of opportunity.

I just think it's hilarious that you're,

you've chose the emoji to represent your manhood at the aubergine.

Yeah.

What do you want it to be?

It's a little stick emoji.

Stick emoji.

It's a little peanut.

Why don't you use the peanut one?

Do you know how I get back?

The fucking no entry sign.

Pete probably used the tunnel emoji for me.

Add the peanut for him.

That's what we should do in the future.

I like the aubergine.

Makes me feel good.

Manly.

Makes you feel manly.

So yeah, this needs to stop

because I just feel like I'm married to an in-betweener.

All right.

What would you like?

Just like...

Why don't you just...

Like a Barry White.

I was just about to say that.

That's kidding.

Oh my God.

That's what I was just about to say,

but now that's such your sex song, is there a...

Marvin Gaye.

Ross's Bunk Beat.

Yeah.

Hopefully you'll lose your virginity now.

You're turning clever, Ross.

Not in this way, clever.

Well, if we're going to move this,

move on to my one then.

Are you going to apologise or is it going to continue?

Apologise.

It's only a gag, isn't it?

I'm not really like...

It's not a gag?

No, there's a hidden meaning in there.

There's a hidden meaning.

There's nothing hidden about it.

Are you like trying to like win me over with humour

or do you find those emojis...

I don't think they're very sexy.

Sexual.

No, I think it's quite funny, though.

When I send them...

But I'm not going to come up to the bedroom

like laugh at me.

I don't care.

It's hysterics.

Let's get down to business.

What it does,

it's got an underlying like serious motive

and then it's quite...

It makes me laugh quite a lot.

So it's a double whammy for me.

I'm like...

Something great might happen

and also it really makes me laugh.

I'll refrain.

I'll hold back the beaver emojis.

But if you don't send me the beaver emojis

then I'll be a bit like...

He doesn't fancy me anymore.

Yeah, well, there you go.

Look at me.

If you ask for it...

What would you like me to do?

I think you quite like the beaver emojis

because you have sent me a beaver emoji before.

I have not sent you...

Let's be honest here.

Open it up.

You can say...

I have never sent you a beaver emoji.

As if...

As if you're such a liar.

You gave me beaver thumbs up once.

No, I didn't.

It was beaver fist pump.

Oh, no.

Fist pump and a beaver.

You don't want them in the same...

You don't want a fist and a beaver in the same sentence.

Fucking hell.

Delete that message.

It certainly doesn't.

Delete it.

God, Pete, you're making me happy.

It makes signals.

It's said to be mixed signals.

It is mixed signals.

Toad me off as well.

Oh, God.

Okay.

Cheers anyway.

You love the beaver.

Let's be honest.

You love it really.

You enjoy it.

It's funny.

It's not...

I'm not trying to be serious.

It's a good gag.

I think people out there,

you should definitely start sending.

Just see how you get on.

Your wife might not listen to this podcast or something.

Just throw her a beaver emoji tonight.

See how you get on.

All people might call their vagina a beaver.

People might not even know that.

That's a name for it.

Well, if you don't, you're missing out.

Why do they call vaginas beavers?

Beaver is a disgusting animal.

I hate them.

It's like a copper buyer.

I don't know the history of that.

Copper buyer is my...

Ask her what is the origin of a beaver?

Why is it called a beaver?

Why do people refer to vaginas as beavers?

What?

The pubic wigs were called merkins.

Oh, my God.

It's dark.

They were manufactured for prostitutes.

These merkins were made out of beaver pelts.

Hence the term beaver.

Oh, that's not true.

Okay, watch your wine, baby.

My wine's been going on for...

Is your wine that I don't respond to your emoji text?

Yeah, I just don't even get a response.

Like, they're even a laugh or a lie.

You know, yeah, I'm up for that.

Absolutely nothing.

But I still do it anyway.

My wine is basically...

I wrote it down because this one really annoyed me.

Do you know what he does now?

Because we're doing this part.

We'll just be lying in bed like watching Telly.

And I'll say, you certainly are like, jump out the bed,

get his phone and write it in his notes.

What are you doing, babe? Nothing.

No, no, I'm ready for this.

I'm ready for this.

No, it's basically like...

So if I'm sitting down, like, on my own,

like, I'll be watching Telly or doing something, right?

I will come and sit much closer than she is now, like, there,

whilst talking to a friend on loudspeaker, right?

So, like, what the hell is going on?

Like, I'm doing something or I'm watching Telly.

Like, right there, there's a lot of rooms in this house.

And like, you know, she'll sit right next to me.

And it's like, yeah, no, I can't believe it.

Yeah, oh, because she didn't.

She didn't say that.

Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

Oh, she's such a bitch.

But I get to reply on loudspeaker.

Like, it's so loud.

What is that all about?

I just don't do that.

You do it all the time, all the time.

Constantly, you don't ever talk not on loudspeaker.

I know, because I hate holding the phone up to me here.

But you know what I found as well?

I don't want to get waves in my brain.

What I found is she'll do that, but like, she'll be on...

You don't even do that.

You do that whilst on something else.

So you'll be shopping whilst speaking on loudspeaker.

So there's so much going on.

You've pictured whole females chatting and shopping.

That's exactly what you do.

It's either Instagram whilst you're chatting on loudspeaker,

whilst I'm, you know, doing something, watching something.

No, because I'm thinking, oh, God, look at him sitting on his own.

I'll go and keep him company.

I'd like you to keep me company if you came down

and sat next to me and talked to me.

It's not that loud catch-up with your mate.

Loud catch-up.

It's too much.

Okay.

All right, just address that, please.

I'll bear that in mind.

Anyway, weekly wines, more beavers.

Now, I will have my loud catch-ups elsewhere.

Elsewhere in the future.

Thanks, babe.

I really appreciate that.

Right, let's get into the audience wines.

Every time me and my partner have a drink, he falls asleep.

Although after a couple of wines, I'm excited to get going.

Any advice?

So I suppose he's got two meanings.

This is either like she wants to go out or she wants to get laid.

You want to get the bonk beats on.

What's wrong with laid?

What's wrong with laid?

Never said the word laid.

I don't think I've ever said it either.

I don't know why I've said it.

You said high school and laid.

Have you been watching American Pie lately?

Too much YouTube, innit?

What are you looking at on YouTube?

Hey, guys.

Ten tips how to get laid.

Send your partner a beaver emoji.

God, don't give some advice.

I won't say laid again.

I don't know why I said it.

I thought she meant like get going as in.

Go out.

Well, he goes to sleep.

So there's two ways of looking at it, isn't it?

She wants to get it on or she wants to go out on a town.

It sounds like a boring bastard.

Yeah.

Sometimes that you can have a drink and it makes you so sleepy.

It depends if you're just at home.

There's things like Christmas Day where you've eaten too much.

You've had a few too many drinks or sitting down watching the football

you end up falling asleep.

But if you're out in the back...

I've never in my entire life had a nap on Christmas Day.

Have you not?

No.

Why not?

Why do you think?

Your brother does all the lunch.

That hurt hard, didn't it?

That hurt hard.

She doesn't say that.

That hurt hard because you prepare it and he cooks it.

He makes like some really shitty red cabbage as dating or something.

Just to add, have you got any honey?

I never sleep.

No, I don't even do that.

Do I sleep on Christmas Day?

Yes.

I've got video evidence of it all.

Well, I'm cleaning up and tidying everywhere.

You're having a nap.

Anyway, now I think that's not a problem we have, is it, together?

Yeah, it's not ideal, is it?

You know, if you've got, like, if you're on two different...

It's the bonk beat situation, isn't it?

But she should just get him on the vodka red bulls.

Or the Jagerbombs.

Jagerbombs.

Well, I just think to slow down a little bit, maybe on the drink.

Maybe just slow down on the drink.

No, I'm not thinking of him, I haven't had loads of drinks.

I'm thinking of, like, one and go to sleep.

But some people have a drink to relax and then wind down before they sleep.

Or some people will have a drink to uplift them and crack on.

Yeah, it's all about staying on the same page, isn't it?

But we're always on the same page, aren't we?

Yeah, yeah.

I'd say so, usually.

Although I do go to bed sooner than you.

About the pen, isn't it?

Like, in Portugal.

And I was just looking out the window and everyone could...

Like, you could see me and said I was, like, the exorcist in the window,

like, trying to make you go to bed.

And people were just, like, looking straight at me.

But ignoring me.

And I'm like, get everyone home now.

I want everyone to go. I want to go to bed.

Well, that's the case in the end, right?

You could see her doing that. She was doing it just to me.

Yeah.

And in the end...

You were ignoring me?

I was ignoring her.

And then in the end, she blew her lid right in front of everyone.

She said, hey, bed now!

And then obviously I was with the lads.

The lads were like, you can't.

You cannot let her talk to you like that.

So then it's in my head.

I'm out of a few beers.

I'm like, if I go up now, I'm going to get ruined by all the lads.

So I'm like, I just now have to make a stand.

It wasn't like bed now.

You literally said, Pete, bed now.

Three words.

Pete, bed now.

That's what you said.

And then that, that one.

The finger.

And I was like, I can't.

You go to bed now.

You're a complete pussy.

And I was like, I cannot go now.

So I had to do another hour.

I wasn't even...

I did.

I wanted to go to bed.

Yeah.

I was quite happy going to bed.

But you just don't know when to stop and it drives me mad.

There's the odd occasion where I'm like, half an hour more.

Half an hour more.

Five hours later.

Okay.

Got another one here.

Just listening to last week's podcast about kids during the holidays.

My girls are 14, 11 and eight.

I think the problem is kids these days always need entertaining.

When like 10 plus, it wasn't really my mum and dad's job to entertain us.

I was always out.

I think now everyone is too scared to let their kids out.

My 14 year old comes down and asks me what we're doing today.

And I'm like, I don't fucking know.

When I was your age, I was camping in a field with booze.

And my mum thought I was around my friends.

Not that I want her to do that, obviously.

People can't afford days out every day.

Yeah.

This is a valid pointless, isn't it?

This is a huge dilemma that we have in our house.

Like our kids, no matter what they're doing,

playing in the garden, playing with their toys, they want us with them.

They never entertain themselves.

And it does drive me mad.

Obviously, I love playing with the kids and doing nice things with them.

But it's unrealistic to do that all day, every day and days out.

They do get up and go, what are we doing today?

And I'm like, nothing.

I've got stuff to do.

Like go and play.

Like you said it yesterday, when we were at lunch,

she was like, why are our kids fucking sitting with us?

And I went, that's such a good point.

We're in this beautiful place.

It's a meadow.

There's trees.

Like massive tree clout.

There was loads of dogs.

There was four Labradors there.

R1, a golden one, a brown one, and a fox red.

And they were lovely all running around together.

And our kids are just like sitting there.

Can I go and I go on your phone?

No, go and make a daisy chain in the meadow.

You can't play on iPhones or iPads.

I feel like that's a problem nowadays.

Kids don't know how to play.

Well, the thing is, we took ourselves back to like,

we wouldn't come near our mums and dads there.

You'd just be away and you'd be like hiding from them.

Go and play hide and seek.

The tree was amazing when it was a big oak tree.

Go and climb that.

There was long grass, dogs, like little bugs to pick up.

I don't know.

Like, let's get a football and kick it around.

Yeah.

When you go around to your mum and dad's friends' houses

for like a barbecue or whatever,

you'd be terrified to go near them in case he said,

right, we're going home now.

Yeah.

So you just stay away and you just play.

And I know that, you know,

nowadays it's not really safe to let our kids play in the street

and that's something I wouldn't do.

Yeah, the safety aspect of that, I get, you know,

it's, it's back in the day.

You were just out and about all day, weren't you?

Yeah.

Summer holidays, like for me,

they were like never ending and we were just in the street

constantly playing and you can't do that now.

But I think the trouble starts to arise with like the teens.

Because Sophia was really annoyed at me the other day

because a few of her friends are going into like the town centre

to go shopping, but these girls are like 14

and they're getting the train and the going.

Sophia's only just turned 12 and she's like,

you're ruining my life.

I hate you.

Why can't I go?

And I'm like, could you 12, babe?

It's not safe.

It's not, is it?

No, I don't want to go on my own yet.

You know, like it's far, far too early for that, I think.

I'm trying to rewind back to me anew at 12.

Like, were you, how were you behaving at 12?

Still a baby at that age.

12 hours good, 14, not so much.

You, would I speak to your daddy said you were paying the arse?

No, we, we, we, we would definitely lie to our parents

at that age.

You know, we'd go and sit in a park and drink or, you know,

it's part of life and everyone does it.

That park thing's a mad one, isn't it?

I did that a couple of times, but I was, like I say,

I was playing, trying to be a footballer.

Like, even when I was young, I thought about it all the time.

So I'd go down there and pretend to drink and wouldn't.

And everyone had like cans of K cider.

And they'd sit around the park and you'll just freeze.

And there's no one there.

They'd be like a group of girls and a group of boys.

They wouldn't integrate.

You wouldn't mix until right near the very end.

Yeah.

And then we'd normally get like a bottle of wine

or something between like six of us

and then carry the half bottle of wine home with us.

Like we're quite pathetic looking back.

Yeah.

I mean, it's, it's, it would like put slightly pointless.

Pretending you were blooded.

Pretending I was blooded, yeah.

Oh my God, I'm so drunk.

Yeah, but you know, but you'd, you know, you'd be so angry.

Like I'd rather sort of have a fun house.

And when you're getting around that kind of time where, you know,

there's 17, 18.

Well, I think, I think the thing to do, you know,

we're very open and honest with our kids and, you know,

we're not ourselves a different person with our friends to our kids.

You know, we're us all the time.

And I think our kids do enjoy being around us.

We're fun.

Well, I want to make it a fun house.

So that, you know, their friends want to come here.

Have you caught, have you ever caught the kids trying to pull a fast one yet?

Yes.

Oh no.

We're still really early to be honest.

We're still early, aren't we?

The only time they lie to us, if it's like,

have you been eating chocolate?

And they're like, no.

And the whole face is like covered in chocolate.

No, I haven't.

You know, it's kind of very innocent still.

Did you, what was the bit, what was the most trouble you got in when you were young?

I remember once, I think I was about 15.

And my mum was a teacher in a college at this point,

like teaching like young kids who'd kind of gone to do the A levels,

I think, in a college.

So A levels or GCSEs?

A levels.

Going to do the A levels in a college.

And me and my friends, we'd all decided, right, we're going out.

We're going out on the tail.

But we're young, we're 15.

We haven't got them kind of going out clothes.

So we all borrowed our mum's clothes.

I remember having Charlotte's, my friend Charlotte's mum's shoes on.

I wore my mum's black work pants, like black suit pants.

Does that work?

Yeah, they're like a black trouser.

Charlotte's mum's high heels.

And one, I think one of like Holly's aunties, like tops.

Remember them sequin butterflies?

Do you remember them tops?

It's like a pink old sequin butterfly.

It's like Mariah Carey, well, one month, we all went out.

So we all come up.

Mum, can I stay in Charlotte this weekend?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We all told, obviously the classic told each other's parents who were staying in their houses.

So we went out to the club, went out to the bars.

We all had about 15 pound each as well, by the way.

We went to various bars.

And then we had to go to this club in Liverpool called the Sunrise.

And the name speaks for itself.

It's only like 7am.

But because we had to wait till our mum's went out to work to come back.

So we stayed there till 7.

You stayed out?

15 quid?

Yeah, I know.

We stayed there till 7.

And then, or like 6, I think it shut at 6.

So we stayed in there till 6.

Then we had to hide in our road, in our like butterfly tops and work pants.

And then like drunk as well.

And like hide in a bush, wait for our parents to go.

And then we got in.

So then obviously I was dying all day on the couch.

Exhausted and hungover to death.

And then my mum come home and was like,

Oh, I was like, mum, I've got tonsillitis.

So my mum was like, waiting on me a hand and foot while I was lying on the couch.

Pult on the couch.

That's outrageous.

Hot drinks, honey and lemon.

She made me homemade soups, really looking after me.

And then next day she went into work and they were like,

Oh, we saw your Abbey in the Sunrise.

So come home.

Mum come home, still on the couch.

And I was like, feeling better babe.

Yeah.

So all of that.

And then I just got absolutely annihilated.

She knew she told me all the girls had told her that I was there.

And I don't think it was the fact that I'd been out.

It was more the fact that I'd lied and she'd been looking after me for two days.

But my God, I'd never been so scared in my life.

It kind of put me off as well.

Yeah.

Do you want to tell that one?

No, because all these stories are about me being drunk.

And it's just giving off the wrong impression.

Underage drinking, isn't it?

Thing is, it happens, right?

And like, our kids are going to go for it.

They're going to want to start going out.

Like, where's safe for them to go?

Where, you know, do we go with them?

I think once Sophia starts going out, we should send Barry with her.

Yeah.

So Barry is like a renowned kind of security guard on the scene.

He's been on the scene for years and everyone loves him,

but he's like huge and would put anyone off go near Sophia.

It's a sort of a good and bad thing, really, isn't it?

Like, I don't think she's going to be too pleased with that.

No, it's so hard because, you know, yourself, like what you're up to,

you know, a few of the mums, a few of my friends who like went to boarding school

and stuff said they used to just like drink the whole time

and like hide like empty bottles in like the ceiling of the room

and, you know, sneaking into each other's dorms to snog the boys and stuff at night.

That sort of age is like the most fun, isn't it?

Like, you know, you've got to make mistakes,

but you don't want them to make the mistakes that are too bad,

damage them later on in life.

And you don't want them to do things too early.

It's a minefield, isn't it? It's so difficult as a parent.

So like when you get to, we're not there yet, but we will be soon

and a lot of our friends are there.

It's a hard one to navigate.

One of our friends has got a 16-year-old daughter

and they were going to a party at one of the friends house the other day.

And then mum was like, what do you want me to do?

Do you want me to get you anything to take to the party?

And she's like, yeah, a bottle of vodka.

Oh my God, you'd actually die if you drank that?

Oh my God, that's the problem, you know?

I mean, they don't know, do they? It's like...

Yeah, but I didn't used to drink the hard stuff like that.

Mine was always like a bloody...

Sneak base.

A hooch or...

A hooch.

A hooch.

I always remember Anfield.

The only place I ever saw was the hooch sign, right?

Because I think it's made in Liverpool Hooch.

Is it?

No, but you'd have a hooch or a Bacardi Breezer.

I used to drink Caribbean Twist.

Do you remember them?

Do you ever have that?

No.

Oh, so nice.

What's that like, rum?

No, it's like a Bacardi Breezer, kind of fizzy.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, I used to drink a lot of them, like breezers and nets and...

What was it, the other ones, the...

WKD.

I didn't like them.

What was the other one, two dogs?

Two dogs?

Oh, that was just after the hooch.

Don't get it.

Don't get it.

Don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it.

Hooch the movie.

10 and Hooch.

Hooch 2.

What are you talking about?

I don't know what you're laughing at.

I'm just trying to find the gag.

If you can't find it, it's escaped you.

It does worry me, you know, going...

But it's going to be hard on Sophia because, you know,

she's our first born, so we're going to be

so much more tougher on her than when Jack's going out.

We'll just be like, do what you want.

Do you think it's different for girls and boys?

Yeah.

It shouldn't be, though, should it?

But it is.

It is.

But I think the thing to worry about with boys is,

you know, them getting into fights and getting beat up

or getting a girl pregnant.

Do you know what I mean?

I like either of those.

I know.

But it's a thing.

They're going to rather get beat up.

It's a thing.

But did you ever go out and get beat up when you were young?

Not really.

Like, I've never been a fighter.

Like, yeah, I've been involved.

There's an odd scrap here and there, but, you know,

I was always getting security.

Barry?

Barry?

Bazaar.

Saw this out.

I'll get security.

I thought you got slapped once?

No, I remember being out.

I remember being in Portsmouth and Portsmouth's like,

it can be quite, if you're in the wrong place,

it can be quite messy.

But I remember turning around to try a drink.

So I tried drinks like that and I just got absolutely walloped.

But yeah, there's been an odd scrap.

Do you mean walloped?

Like, just punched in the face.

Well, I had both my hands holding a tray.

So I was like, I've sitting duck.

Oh.

I just got a whack, like a punch, yeah.

But then, yeah, I had like a few scraps here and there,

but not like, you know, I never, I wasn't a fighter.

It kind of seems like, I feel like it seems less scary

when we were young.

I don't know.

It wasn't like...

I feel like we were more innocent when we were younger.

I think so, maybe, yeah.

Well, I suppose you...

Because there was no social media, you know,

like now, like the girls on social media,

they look about 25, don't they?

Like 13-year-old girls or whatever, like,

with all the filters and the makeup

and the professional makeup done, like,

God, look back at the state of us, are we right now?

You know, absolutely.

Ridiculous.

I remember me.

It seems like no inspiration or, you know...

Me and the lads.

All the kids, like, Sophia now, like,

it's like a generation thing.

They're all wearing, like, the Norseface coats

and the grey-tracky bottoms and the night trainers,

all, like, carbon copies of each other.

Like, I think there was more individual style back then

because you didn't have anyone to look at, you know what I mean?

Well, copy off.

Do you want to hear our individual style, though?

I know yours, Ben Sherman.

We had the Ben Sherman pastel shirt, right?

But, like, one of the lads would have, like,

a green pastel and I would have, like, a purple pastel,

a pink and, like, a blue.

All different pastel shirts, black jeans,

and then, like, some, like...

Wash puppies?

Kickers or something.

And, like, that was...

So we all went out, like, a load of fruit pastels.

That was an exciting part, though, wasn't it, like, going out

and, like, trying to, like...

So much fun.

Cup off.

Yeah.

So pathetic that I wish...

I wish all that was, like, fit.

Did you have a diary, babe?

It is filled nowadays, that's the problem.

Did you have a diary?

I did have a diary, yeah.

A black band?

Yeah.

I remember writing a diary of one of the secret night out I had.

I basically wrote everything that we did in there.

And my mum found it.

The other one is that there was an underage...

I nearly got re-homed after that.

There's an underage disc.

Do you remember the underage disc, guys?

Did you go to them?

Yeah, the Frenzy.

The Frenzy.

It's one called Terpins.

I think it was Uxbridge or Rhyslip.

They're worse than going after that.

They're the worst ones.

Yeah, because everyone's just kissing.

Like, they're slight...

You come around, like, people come up, just slogging,

like, my sixth girl, and you're like,

what is going on in here?

That's what we did there.

I used to...

I went up to this.

I used to swerve them.

I didn't go.

I used to swerve them.

I was so, like, worried about it all.

I was like, nah, nah.

I won't be a footballer if I go there.

That's probably what your dad told you.

No, I know, but he must have, like, drilled it into me,

because all the lads were like, oh, we're going to Terpins.

They were getting the bus and stuff.

And I was like, oh, I can't.

I've got a match tomorrow.

It's such a weird thing, like, going into, like, a club

and, like, snogging five different people in one night.

Strange one, isn't it?

So weird.

It is a strange one, yeah.

It's horrible.

Do you think does that go on now?

Must do.

This COVID...

COVID world that we live in.

Can't be doing that now, can you?

See, that...

I think it's bizarre.

Like, because even do that on, like, Love Island,

like, all snog each other, like...

A real snog.

I'm just thinking of the Gems the whole time.

But, like, it'd be a really strange one now.

Like, if you, like, for instance, like,

say we split up wherever a lot,

you went to a nightclub at this age

and just had six snogs.

Sounds fantastic.

So weird.

Don't you think that would be weird, though?

I couldn't...

The thought of putting someone's tongue in my mouth

just knocks me sick.

The Gems.

Oh.

Bad breath.

Don't want that.

I haven't got any of that, though.

That'll just send you a little mojie.

It's so funny, because obviously when we're...

When I was a teenager and you think

you can kind of do what you want,

and it's fine to, like, go out and sneak out

and lie to your mum and dad and...

And then when my sister,

she was about 16,

and she lived with us for a bit

when she moved down to London,

and she was going out,

and I was like,

you're not going out dressed like that.

That's not a scar.

It's a belt.

You know?

And then she'd, like, come strolling at,

like, four in the morning,

walking up the path,

and I'd be like that at the door.

What time is this?

And it's so funny.

Like, now, the age gap has kind of...

Like, she's got...

Well, we've both got older,

but the age gap's kind of narrowed

because she's more of an adult now.

And we go out together,

but at the time, I was like,

you can't be doing that.

You can't be going out drinking.

You need to do this.

You need to do that.

When does it ever stop, though?

Like, I do it there.

Like, if I go out, like,

I'm slightly later than I've been...

I've been scheduled with you.

I'm just doing the exact same thing

as I did when I lived at my mum and dad's house.

Like, I'm literally creeping in,

just closing the door really quietly,

sneaking upstairs.

Yeah, but that's not very often.

No, I don't go out without you really, do I?

No.

I don't go out, out anyway.

Who?

Like, out of our children there,

you don't have to name them if you don't,

but just say one, two, three or four.

Well, that's obvious who that is.

Yeah, but no one's going to be asked

to work that out.

I don't mind saying.

Liberty.

Liberty.

She is nuts and, like,

the kindest, most gorgeous little girl.

So fun.

She's a no-seconder.

There's freedom, isn't it?

She's absolutely mental.

Like, she is going to be...

She is funny.

Very funny.

She's good company.

She's funny, but she's a bit...

She'd probably be a bit wild,

but, like, I don't know,

like a lovable rogue almost.

But actually, no, she's not naughty, though, is she?

No, she's not naughty, but that's what I mean.

She's just fun.

I want our kids to be able to come and talk to me

about anything,

and it felt like when I was growing up.

You know, I had a great childhood,

but I wouldn't, like, go to my mum

and talk to her about a boyfriend

or really, if I had a problem or...

I just...

It just wasn't that kind of relationship

with my mum or my dad.

Even though we're so close.

I'm such a tight family, but I think...

Oh, is it so?

I think with our kids, you know,

Sophia's opened up to us with quite a few things,

which I really like.

Like, some things she said to us on pizza.

Oh, my God, how do I actually deal with this?

And I'm like...

It's great that she can...

She feels confident enough to talk to us

about anything, absolutely anything.

And I love that,

and I think that will help us

when we're going through those teenage years, hopefully.

Because hopefully they won't lie to us

as much as we lie to our parents.

Yeah, no.

I think...

I wasn't able to really open up.

I think I've touched on it before, you know.

That girl Karen lived opposite me,

and every time she...

You stopped bringing her up?

Every time she knocked on the door,

they were going...

I know, she's dying inside.

So, ever since then, I was like,

nah, I didn't tell her anything about girls.

That's different,

because that's like making you feel embarrassed.

But, you know,

some people are like scared of the parents

or can't open up,

but that can be quite hard for a child as well.

You know, not having that support system

or anyone to talk to.

But it's also incredibly hard to go from...

You know, because you need that element of...

Yeah, you want them to be a little bit scared of you

or a little bit scared of the repercussions.

But then you also want them to open up to you,

because they don't respect you

if you go too far the other way.

It's like they're telling you about everything

and you let them do whatever.

You know what I mean?

Obviously, there's a limit.

But in some sense, it's a hard balance.

I would like, you know,

our kids go like,

I've got a boyfriend or girlfriend,

but not tell me details.

Details, details.

Do you know what I mean?

No.

But I would like them to say,

like, he's really broke my heart.

He said this, he said that,

or I want to ask this girl out,

or this boy out.

Yeah.

See, I wouldn't tell anyone anything about it.

You didn't have blood.

You're a virgin when you met me that time.

So, should we get into the aggregate?

No, this one is,

this is not an agony, I would say,

but more a declaration

for the love of my poor husband,

who has no say in the decor of our house,

has to listen to my constant neurotic thoughts

as a helicopter mother

to our two beautiful kids

and never gets to enjoy bulk beats

as I'm too exhausted

for being the cook,

caregiver and interior designer.

I love you, fuckface.

This is my pet name for him.

We absolutely love your pod.

It's so relatable to us.

So, not only has he got no say in anything

and he deals with a helicopter parent

that gets no bulk beats

or dinner by the sounds of it,

he's called fuckface.

Oh, my God.

I've actually never swore at you in my life.

I think you have.

I haven't called you fuckface.

No, you wouldn't.

You're not that aggressive with your swearing.

I only like to use swearing to embellish your story.

But I would never swear at someone.

No.

Fuckface, I mean, I think that's their pet.

It's a pet name.

It's endearing.

Fuckface.

Is it harsh?

Is it harsh?

A little bit harsh, isn't it?

Interesting, though.

Yeah, so she just wants to share that.

Basically, it feels like that's me, isn't it?

Other than the nickname.

That's me.

That's you?

Yeah.

I don't think that's what she's saying at all.

This is actually, she's just literally saying,

I'm like Abby and he's like me.

My poor husband, no say in the decor.

Number one, listen to my constant neurotic thoughts

as a helicopter mother.

Two, never gets to enjoy bonk beats.

Three, and you're exhausted.

Our speaker's broken, are you?

Got any more agony apps?

Yeah, hey, both.

Firstly, love you both.

We've been together for six, seven months,

all going amazing.

We both work away a lot and often stay in hotels.

Recently, he was working away,

and I was checking into his hotel

while he had a work due,

so we could at least get some time together when he finished.

He told me he'd left something for me in the room.

It turns out he'd left me a packet of cheese and onion crisps,

some decaf tea bags, and an apple.

He got free from the gym.

He thinks this was a cute gesture.

I do agree he left a cute note.

However, I'm hoping to hear your opinions

on how cute you think this is.

To add insult to injury, he's a scouser,

and I'm from down south.

Is this a scousing, and do I need to get with the program?

Would a scouser leave a packet of cheese and onion crisps

from decaf tea bags and an apple?

You got free from the gym.

And say, I've left a surprise up there.

So pleased with yourself.

Get yourself up there, Gil.

Gil?

No, it's quite thoughtful.

It's quite thoughtful.

To do that?

While she's waiting for me,

she'll make herself a little cup of tea,

have a little snack, a little packet of crisps.

Decaf, though, as well, and cheese and onion.

Got there, like, such repellents?

Sexual repellents?

Yeah, right there, yeah.

She's going to be drowsy and stink of cheese.

Drowsy, stink of cheese.

And the apple, she might choke on it.

Lose the tooth.

Yeah, maybe, yeah.

Maybe you're just trying to poison you.

Yeah, I don't agree that that's a nice...

What I think it's a lovely gesture to have done that.

Do you remember when I did that incredible thing for you?

I got a board of dress for you and some shoes.

I put the hotel.

Yeah.

And you had a whole outfit.

It was like Six in the City.

It was like Mr. Big there, wasn't it?

God, I loved that day.

That was so...

You see, they're little things you just forget that I've done.

That was a good thing.

Yeah, because you've never done it since.

That was about 15 years ago.

We were going out.

It was a surprise.

He was, like, got a cab to pick me up.

Brought me to a hotel.

And I was, like, do we need to bring a bag or anything?

And he was, like, no, no.

Got to the hotel.

Got to the hotel.

And then when I got there, I was, like, full outfit,

dress, bag, shoes.

And I was, like...

Miss the love of a man.

Nailed it.

I actually took the dress back,

the bag and the shoes.

Shit.

I had to wear the friggin outfit I had on all day to go out there.

You've got all the outfit and the hate in it.

I was pregnant, wasn't I?

Were you?

I was pregnant at the time.

No, I loved that.

That was so nice.

See, how easy was that to do?

Yeah, well, it wasn't cheap, though.

Oh, no, but it doesn't have to be to that extent.

Yeah, but like I say, like, that's a nice little...

It's a nice idea, I think.

But, like, you should have gone, like, sensations or something,

you know, like, with the crisps.

Now, you've got to go posh...

Like, perfect cheese and onion.

If you went for a nice, I don't know.

I'm just thinking of, like, a golden wounder.

Mixed bag.

Cheese and onion.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I mean.

But, like, I don't know.

Like, a nice...

Even the note on its own would have been nice, wouldn't it?

And some flowers.

Yeah.

Okay, hi, Abby and Peter.

I have an agony ab.

I want to know if I'm being dramatic

or if it's my partner.

That just is really annoying.

Recently, he's taken to enjoy using mouthwash.

And I'm all good for oral hygiene,

but it's the way he uses it that I'm having an issue with.

He likes to gargle the tune of a ballad.

At night, it was the tip of the iceberg

when he was gone when he used to...

I will always love you so loud.

And I'm trying to...

I'm trying to do my evening routine.

And I have that next to me.

Is it just me or is it something that needs to stop?

I'd really appreciate any advice on this.

Please, thank you, Megan.

Oh, yeah, that sounds real.

Yeah, surely.

No one likes to hear anyone gargling.

No.

Legend.

I think it's superb.

Oh, this is my cup of tea.

This is what I'm about.

I just only wish I'd have thought of it.

I'm trying to gargle him.

I love mouthwash.

But anything mouthwash...

Mouthwash is an amazing thing.

It is good, yeah.

I like mouthwash.

It's good.

The thought of him laughing his head off,

it's like the beaver emoji.

It's like it's something for him.

He's making himself laugh.

Gargling different songs.

He's being serious.

He must be laughing.

He's having a laugh, surely?

No, he's not.

Because he is.

He's gargling Whitney Houston and not laughing.

Gargling Whitney Houston with mouthwash before bed

is a person that's definitely got no problems in his life.

He's got no stress.

Exactly.

That's what I like about him.

He's going to bed happy.

Happy.

Yeah, so why don't we celebrate him?

Yeah.

He could be like, oh, God, such a horrible day at work

bringing these problems.

I can't sleep.

I'm so stressed.

Gargling Whitney Houston.

That's a six-minute song, by the way.

And there's some high notes in there as well.

I think he's a ledge.

That's a happy man to me.

That's a happy man to me.

Yeah, Megan, listen, you're making him happy.

If he's gargling Whitney Houston at that time of night,

you're making him happy.

She might not be making him happy.

He might just be happy in himself.

Oh, right.

Well, listen, you know.

Happiness comes from it.

I was trying to involve Megan as well.

You've nailed it, Megan.

You've hit the jackpot.

Hey, guys.

My husband and I are thinking about trying for our second baby,

which we always planned around our son's second birthday,

which is in August this year.

But I've just found out my work colleague is now pregnant

after another colleague.

Hang on.

Can you read this?

I can't read it.

I can't read.

I know.

It's becoming an issue now, isn't it?

Why can't you read?

I can read, but it doesn't come out my mouth.

I obviously can.

Hey, guys.

My husband and I are thinking of trying for our second baby,

which we always planned around our son's second birthday,

which is in August this year.

But I've just found out my work colleague is now pregnant

after another colleague has just gone on maternity leave.

I'm the manager of a small business and we all work,

and I'm very terrified of falling pregnant now

and having to tell my boss

that I'll be the third employee off at the same time.

Do I wait a few more months to save my boss the worry,

or do I keep our plans of a second baby

as we had dreamed of originally?

We've been a selfish type,

but if now's not the time to be selfish with all our family plans,

I don't know when is.

Katie in Southampton.

She sounds lovely, yeah.

She's worried about a boss and everyone being off at the same time.

That's so nice.

And what is it?

It's only a small business, is it?

That's a lovely thing to think about, isn't it?

It's nice that she's worrying about that.

There's plenty of people that wouldn't.

Right now, this is how we're doing it.

Yeah?

Yeah?

The thing is, it's never a right time to have a baby, isn't it?

When you're planning.

No, I mean, whatever you plan, it's...

I think, I don't know,

because if you talk to your boss about it, it's...

Yeah, but also,

getting pregnant is not as easy as that.

A lot of the time for a lot of people.

You know, it's all good and well-saying.

If you're going to try for a baby in August and get pregnant,

it could take two years to get pregnant.

I think she should, you know,

she knows she wants another baby.

She should start trying when she wants to

and just go with the flow because, you know,

you can't plan that far in advance

and you don't know what's going to happen.

She sounds like a really nice, kind girl.

Katie, I think you'll make the right decision.

Just, yeah, do...

Do you? Do you, hon?

Right, so, I think we should finish off

because we're having a barbecue today, aren't we?

It's a bank holiday.

We are having a barbecue. It's a bank holiday

and I'm slightly nervous that I've...

You know, when you kind of just invite too many people

and I'm like, why did I do that?

Overpromised, under the limit.

Overpromised, no.

Santa's been.

The food Santa's been.

And the drinks.

I went this morning, got a load of stuff in, didn't I?

Yeah, I sent Peter eight.

Once I Googled, the shops were open at eight.

Pete was in the shop at eight a.m.

Get supplies.

That's what I'm about.

Bank holiday, no lying for me.

Straight out there.

Making the day great for us.

Enjoyed this part.

It's nice listening to, you know, the retro bit

you wear as a young lady

and just hope our daughter's nothing like you, to be honest.

I know that's how I slightly worry

because you're asking me.

Tell me what was the bad things I did.

They were the bad things I did.

But they weren't bad.

They were bloody love going out and snogging five lads in one night.

Fantastic.

Best time of my life.

Take me back to when I was 15.

No, but I wasn't a hoe.

No way.

No.

Lady in the street with a freak in the bed.

We got a headline out of that.

Lady in the street asleep in the bed.

Go on, change now, haven't you?

Maybe it's just me, boring you to tears.

You should get back into frenzy.

Start enjoying yourself.

What the hell?

Guys, we need to click the subscribe button on YouTube

because there's going to be so many more features on there.

Added clips, bonus content

and you don't want to miss it.

So, yeah, this is out on Tuesday.

So, yeah, please subscribe.

Send the comments, as you said.

And this is out on Tuesday.

But there's a better podcast out on Wednesday

and we've got Ted Lasso on this

and that Pete Crouch podcast.

So, I am going to plug my podcast on it.

And I'm not going to intervene.

I don't mind you plugging it.

We've got Ted Lasso.

It's not just me and it's absolutely not on it.

And Ted Lasso is the instance of you guys.

Machine-generated transcript that may contain inaccuracies.