The Therapy Crouch: Top O’ the Mornin to Ya

I actually look like it painted Guinness in this outfit.

Brown Guinness.

Guinness is quite browny.

Ruby.

It's black.

Ruby is red.

It's completely black.

I know why it's brown anyway.

It's not brown.

It's completely black.

It's not because of the roast.

The roasting.

This is getting old technical now because we've been to the Guinness factory.

Shall we start this properly?

Hi and welcome to the Therapy Crouch with me, Abby Clancy.

And me, Peter Crouch.

So yeah, sorry, we're just going off on one then.

We're just still on a high from our trip to Dublin.

It was incredible, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was nice.

It was nice when you just leave the kids for a couple of days

and just have a good or it was a good drink, wasn't it, to be honest with you?

We had the crack.

We had the crack.

So it was me dad's 65th birthday.

So we all decided to go to Dublin and it was bloody fabulous.

That wasn't bad until bloody fabulous.

That was really good.

That was quite good.

Yeah, that was good, wasn't it?

Enjoyed it.

But we went to the Guinness factory and we had a tour

and we started getting deep into the roasting process and...

Well, I started to get deep so we'd all been out the night before.

Teachers pet.

I know, yeah.

Oh.

But I was really interested and everyone was hanging and we had the tour.

We got the headphones on and we were walking around.

And everyone wanted to get the tour over and done with

so we could have a little hair of the dog Guinness.

But I loved it.

I was so, it was so interesting.

The process is only four ingredients in a Guinness.

Come on, explain to the viewers.

It's barley, hops, water and yeast.

Yeast.

The process is incredible.

When there's a lot of land, it's an interesting place.

I was interested in it.

Why I wasn't trying to rush through it.

Every time I asked a question, I could see everyone going.

Oh, good.

It's like, I remember we used to have,

in football, we used to have these referees meetings and like,

the ref would tell you all these things and you'd always get a cup

of the land to like ask you questions.

You'd be like, everyone go, oh.

Exactly what I was doing.

But I came home from that trip with a little bit more knowledge.

I enjoyed it.

I enjoyed it, but you know, your questions were, it was,

it was every time.

I was proud of my questions, but yeah, at the end,

like, cause you know how many like tons of bloody barley is used

and whatever it is and did it and he, and I was like,

oh, a lot of waste.

And then he was like, all the wastage goes to like feed animals

and do this and did it.

I thought it was just so interesting.

And the whole history behind it and mega.

Yeah, that, that Arthur Guinness and stuff and like the,

you know, obviously coming over and like doing what he did.

She, you know,

Do you know what?

Just being in Dublin, it's such a friendly city.

Like everyone, like, you know, going into the pub,

just having a real chat with you and like,

everyone was just so excited, like, why are you in our city

and telling us all the places to go and having a drink.

Like, I just don't think you get that in London.

Yeah, no, genuinely, it's a really, really friendly place.

And, you know, it's just, you know,

some of the pubs we went in,

there was a place called Cassidy's, right?

I got to give it a mention because I've not been to a place like that.

It felt like it was New Year's Eve and it was just,

it was just Sunday.

It's New Year's Eve every day in Ireland.

So it was unbelievable.

You're like walking in and it was a bit hairy at first.

There's a few Man United, just one and they did the cup final.

Why do all of Bloody Irish support Man U?

They don't at all.

It's a few, there's a lot of Liverpool fans as well.

Yeah, but like who'd support Man U anyway?

You never mind, and you're not even from there.

Focusing like a true scalter.

But you know what I mean?

Like, you haven't even got any history.

No history, yeah.

Absolutely, no.

That's what my dad says.

You've got no history, that team.

Is that true?

No, of course.

Man United and Liverpool's got the most history

out of all the English clubs, really.

I mean, they've won the most trophies, the best two clubs.

That's why they hate each other.

I've only put down the pants since Sir Alex left.

So, I think...

Thanks for that, mate.

Is that true?

Just saved a football chat for another pub day.

There's Lionel over here.

Yeah.

It was so funny because obviously our bono pod had been out.

Everyone was like, have you come here to find Bono?

I was like, yeah, where does he live?

Let's go to his house.

She was trying to find Bono at some stages.

Like, there was a pub that was potentially he had been to

quite a few times.

So, yeah, we were near this village at one point,

Scotty.

Were we?

We were near.

That's obviously pissed to realise.

But yeah, but that Cassidy's like, it's all live music,

but it's like Irish music.

I loved it, and I loved that kind of music,

but I have no idea if they're like really caning the English.

And I'm singing along, having a great time,

they'll probably go and look at that sweat over there.

It was a remarkable city.

It's like, when you go to London, like,

even if you like bump past someone, they're just like,

you're doing, I think.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, when you said to me,

maybe laugh is like, you're in a toilet,

and you speak to some of the girls and stuff,

and you're like, even the girls are nice here.

The girls were fabulous.

Girls are nice and the boys.

I think maybe because London's like a more transient city,

and there's not a lot of kind of, well, don't quote me on this,

but it's not a lot of locals,

like everyone who was in that pub was from that area.

True.

You know, it's a bit like Liverpool in that sense,

but God, everyone was just so fun and happy,

and wanted to speak to you, and I loved it.

I'm going to laugh, heavy, though.

Heavy.

I'm actually once a vomit looking at myself and this Guinness outfit,

like, because I'm thinking, oh, I actually

reckon I drank the same amount of volume as this tracksuit in Guinness.

Yeah, I felt like I was just up to there.

Like, Guinness, it's always been not my drink to be fair.

I've always had a stout, usually with lager in it,

but I've always enjoyed it, you know?

Yes, and we just don't cope with your smells, do we?

Like, why is St Patrick's Day so huge for the Irish?

It's like, because there is a St George's Day as well,

but I don't see anyone, like, going nuts for that.

What was that?

Yeah.

I think outside of England nobody particularly likes us,

whereas the Irish, you know, I think they're just well-liked for it.

Like in America, for instance, like a lot of people want to be,

you know, like Boston and certainly East Coast, they're like,

they're so passionate of their Irish.

There's a huge Irish community there, though, isn't there?

Yeah, passionate of their Irish roots, you know what I mean?

So, like, I think it just became bigger and bigger and bigger.

And I mean, it's the same with us, you know?

We're not, I mean, I know your family are Irish, you know?

I'm completely English, which we'll get onto in a minute.

Yeah, because everyone in Ireland has, like, sparkly eyes

and, like, a sparkly face.

There's a definite look.

I have sparkly eyes.

No Irish in me, but this goes back to one of Ab's family, right?

Who's Irish?

Said to me, asked me a question, this is years ago,

when I first started going out, he was a bit old.

And he said, do you have any Irish in you?

And I said, no.

I think I'm entirely English from what I know.

As far back as I can go, I think I'm entirely English.

And he looked at my eyes and you said, I thought so.

You've got dead eyes, like a fish.

Oh, and really?

They were quite nice.

They're blue.

They're not, like, you know, not dead, are they?

No, but if you haven't got light on your eyes, they're quite...

They're blue eyes. That's light, that's a light colour.

I think they're blue eyes, isn't it?

Yeah, but they're not, like, my eyes.

No, but your eyes are particularly good.

Because I've got Irish descent, you see?

So, would you say that my eyes are dead, like a fish?

They are now, after a frigging weekend in Ireland, but normally...

I don't think they are. I think they're nice eyes.

I think it's, like, a deep blue.

They're not deep blue.

What are they, then?

They're just bog standard blue.

Bog standard.

Dead, like a fish, eyes.

All right, fuck you, then.

Obviously, because I've got a...

I come from Irish descent.

And I remember when I was a little girl watching, like, Blue Peter or something.

And we went to this place in Ireland where horses were just, like, roaming round.

And I just thought the whole of Ireland, like, just said horses, like, running free.

And you could just, like, get on a horse and ride it.

And I used to be desperate to live there when I was little, didn't I, Pete?

And did you find it, like, that when you went to Dublin?

To be fair, there was horses everywhere, wasn't there?

Yeah.

There was, honestly, like...

It's like, you know, with...

When we go through, like, shot nice shops,

I'll always try and grab Ab's hand and talk furiously at her.

So she looks at me and doesn't see stuff.

It's the same in Ireland.

Everywhere, the horse is like, fuck, there's a horse.

I'm like, just try and talk to her.

Take a picture of me with this horse.

She's like, oh, she has to go and touch every horse.

And in Ireland, there's loads, you know?

It's like, it's like every shop is the same with horses.

It's like, oh, look at this one.

We're just, you know, we've got canals and another horse.

But have you noticed, like...

Every picture.

Have you noticed when I'm around, horses, how calm they are with me.

And they always kind of, like, lick me and, like, snuggle into me.

Like, every time Pete's near a horse, they just, like, go nuts.

I've been on a horse three times and four times,

and I've been thrown off three.

So it's understandable.

I'm a little bit nervous around them now.

And I think they probably sense that.

And also, I don't think they've ever seen anything like me.

I really don't even fucking try and get on me.

You joke it.

Don't even think about it.

It's like a giraffe getting on a horse's back.

Not with those pins.

Slightly, yeah.

Yeah.

Could you actually imagine a giraffe riding a horse?

I've seen.

I've seen that.

You've not seen that.

I've witnessed that.

Follocks.

Absolutely.

They're like, no, that is the most Follock I've ever seen.

No one's ever seen a giraffe on a horse.

Poor horses.

No, they were absolutely...

And I'm like that.

It's like speaking to all the guys who are the carriages,

because I'm, like, way up on a horse.

I'm like, is that freezing?

It's like, yeah.

Do you know that?

Shut up.

Isn't that a cow?

Freezing cow, anyway.

No, you can get freezing cow.

We can get freezing horse as well.

What's the black ones with the big thick neck

and all the beautiful hair?

Let's write in with your confirmation of that, please,

because I'm sure freezing is a hot cow.

And the guy was really impressed with me,

because in our horse riding yard,

there's an old, like, trap horse.

So, like, well, he's young.

He's only three, this little horse.

But they, like, canter at the front and trot at the back,

because the way they carry the cart,

he was this horse just standing in the road,

and he was standing on the curb with his front legs.

And I was like, is he a trap horse?

And he was like, yeah.

How do you know?

I was just spotting those leaning on the curb there.

He went, oh, very good.

Look, look at you.

I've never lost.

You communicate to your loved horses.

Why are you, like, trying to gain, like,

confirmation from everyone?

Like, the tour guide and the fella with the horses,

and why do you feel the need to have to, like, do that?

What the fuck?

What do you mean?

Why do you have to be teacher's pet on the thing,

and then why do you have to go to the fella with the horses

and prove how much you know?

Because it's nice to show an interest in other things

that people are passionate about.

OK, I was just asked the question.

But it's only like you boring people to death

with, like, football bans everywhere you go.

Oh, I know who won the World Cup in 1953.

Like, it's the same thing.

Well, I could tell you who won the World Cup in 1958.

It was Brazil, because it was played in Sweden,

and Sweden lost.

And it was Panay's first game in the World Cup final.

He was 16 years old, and he scored 17 years old and scored.

Oh, my God.

Literally, look at her nails.

I'm riveting.

But some people would enjoy that.

Students have that Peter Crouch podcast,

which is back stronger very soon,

if you're into that kind of stuff.

Oh, I am into it, but...

No, you're not.

In the slightest, you have no, absolutely no regard for my passion.

Well, you've got no regard for mine.

Which one?

Animals, interior design.

True.

Bags.

It's true.

Irish history.

It was talk of getting a baby donkey when you were...

And I'm like, you know, I've got a...

She actually was looking at it on my phone.

I'm so gutted because someone messaged me on Instagram

and said, come to our farm.

They had these miniature sheeps.

Yeah.

They're absolutely gorgeous.

They're called, like, baby doll lambs.

They're called lambs.

And it was a farm so close to where we were,

and I was like, damn it.

I had to wash the bloody...

Look at this.

She was looking at...

She's been looking at these things.

You actually said on our bus...

Look at that.

It's lovely, isn't it?

Why were we talking about baby donkeys?

Yeah, it's just a fluffy, small donkey.

I mean, it is quite nice.

But I said, look, you can have one if you just...

If I have absolutely nothing to do with it.

So I don't want to smell of it.

I don't want to touch it.

I don't want to feed it.

I don't want to walk it.

I don't want to pick up any shit.

I don't want to muck it out.

I don't want to be involved.

I'm comfortable with that.

I've had Leah this morning.

She's our builder.

He's already measuring up for a little stable

because it's going to be half the price

than a normal stable for a minute.

So I'm saving money.

You're actually saving money.

You're actually saving money. Oh, my gosh.

You're saving.

That sounds like a fantastic deal.

I'm actually saving money.

You're saving money.

I'm making on this.

Yeah, because it's little miniature donkey.

So...

Why?

So what is...

What do you...

What?

I don't know.

Well, like, it looks cute,

but after the first initial...

Oh, it looks cute.

Where do you go from there?

But you don't say that about me or the kids.

Like, the first time you see me,

I'm like, oh, she's cute.

You're not, like, fed up with me now after 16 years.

No, but I don't know.

I think it's slightly more out of you.

Slightly more.

What do you mean?

For the donkey.

Well, you know, I can speak to you, can't I?

And, you know...

Yeah.

Give you a kiss.

You can kiss donkeys.

Yeah, you know, I don't think...

Listen, I like...

I'm not against donkeys.

I'm not like, don't make me into be like an animal here.

I like animals,

but I just don't like them all around me at all times.

Enough about donkeys.

Should we get into wine of the week?

OK.

You go first.

My wine is, obviously, we've come back from Dublin.

We've had such a lovely time.

And then, you know, my phone was dead.

And I just thought, you know, one of the six chargers

that I'd bought five days ago

would be readily available

in one of the slots that I'd allocated.

I went through all the allocated spots,

and none seemed to be there.

So then I found two that were broken and snapped.

Four more that we'd had.

Lost, so two more lost.

And then there was one working that you were using.

So I had half six chargers, right, in one week.

How is that possible to lose or break?

Firstly, I hope you're not directing this wine at me,

because if anyone, anyone who knows me,

knows I never have any charge.

And that's because the charger's on Pete's side of the bed,

and he uses it, I never, ever.

I'm not even into phones.

I'm not a technical person.

I always say you're into phones.

You literally, I think you're a screen time.

You can see it, can't you?

I'll get it on the bill.

I think you look at it more than you look at real life.

Like I reckon the world,

I reckon you look at your phone more than you look at the world.

Yeah, but it's only for like work, and then in spur, and school emails.

So you can't say that you're not into phones?

No, but you know what I mean?

The charger thing has got nothing to do with me.

That's the kids, like the old charger,

Nick thinks, oh, John, every time he comes.

Oh, fuck it, honestly, it's 100% your brother's involved.

We even bought these chargers with a marble dock.

So this marble dock weighs about two stone.

So I'm going to get these.

A dock, right?

So I'm going to, that stays, you know, it stays as a dock.

It's a marble square.

So no one can rob it.

God.

Someone.

Oh, John's like, can you pass me back?

And I'm like lifting his bag. Oh, God, John, what have you got in here?

Three of your marble dock chargers.

Fucking hell, John.

What did you bring all that round for?

We've got three marble docks in there, you know?

Couple of wall ones, just in case.

I always, I want to be one of them people who have the charger in the bag,

you know, like a charger pack.

We lose every charge to everything in this house,

like even like the kids remote control cars.

They're all gone, yeah.

And like the kids even know now, don't they?

The kids even go like after one week, they go like, ah,

that won't work anymore, will it?

A normal person would have a charger and they'd be playing it for life.

They go, ah, no, they just know.

They just, they just instead of like remote controlling it,

they just push it now.

They're like pushing each other in these electric cars around the hallway.

Yeah, yeah.

They sit in them and all that and they just push to get an ass.

It's gone 10 days now.

Won't have anything.

It won't be able to go.

It's a weird thing, isn't it?

Chargers, I think we even got,

we even got one of these charger docks in as we,

when we were getting our kitchen made,

there's an area on the islands where you can just put your phone on.

We have, but no one knows where the spot is.

The guy was putting it.

He's just put your charge on it.

I was like, this is incredible.

So you literally just put your phone on the back on the island.

Like that. This is the same kitchen guy who designed our kitchen.

You open one cupboard and then you can't open the other one

because he just crashed into each other.

So if you want a tea bag and a piece of bread at the same time, you can't.

So do you remember that?

You gave him some abuse, didn't you?

Yeah, the clash of cupboards.

Great. I haven't been in design school for 12 years.

Fucking get back there.

We're paying attention.

It's awesome though, because you can use,

obviously you just put your charge down the edge of the table

and it charges, but no one knows where the spot is.

No one knows.

So it could be anywhere.

There's quite a big island.

So we'll try and discover that.

I'll just do that.

Hunting for chargers.

That charging situation is,

I don't know who's doing it, but it's got to start.

They've been with you.

I'm totally with you.

It's not me.

The one in the car did snap

because I was trying to get my lip gloss out of the thing.

Yeah. Well, we talked about that middle section.

And the lid shut and snapped the charger.

But that's fine. That was an accident.

Well, it's not fine.

That middle section, you just don't look after it at all.

I mean, that lip gloss is the banana skins, the coffee.

There's just so much shit in that middle bit.

I was filming in the car the other day for this thing.

And the guy, I had the sound guy in the back.

And in the thing, I just had a mug.

But the mug just tilted with half a coffee in

with lipstick all around the rim.

And he was like, what the hell is that?

So have you not got a flask or anything?

Absolutely not.

To be honest, I do that as well.

To leave in the morning and just have a proper cup of tea

just in the middle of the car.

I just think everyone does that.

I think people are more organized.

I see loads of people on the trains and stuff.

They've all got flasks.

Yeah, but then flask.

People are the same type of people who do thank you notes

and pack lunch just before they go to work.

Sorry, one of our producers there just pulled out a flask.

But he's a helmet, anyway.

He's prime, for example.

I was a helmet, you went for two out of the stacks at the same time.

You know, he's nothing to go by.

My God.

The Solomon King.

He's the one who wears a 26, wears practical shoes.

I used to go about rippled when I was 26.

No one that 26 has ever bought practical shoes.

It looks like a club foot.

Them shoes.

What are they called? Solomon?

Yeah, top of the range.

He paid a fortune for all of them as well.

The practical, they're indestructible by looks.

He could walk through a freaking desert, rainforest,

river, Siberia, frigging North Pole.

Not a scratch on it.

Not a blister.

Not a blister in size.

A blister in size.

Lovely boy.

He does a great job on the phone.

Yeah, that flask thing's a bit bad.

I just think you're a type of person if you remember to take a flask.

That's fine, it's practical.

I go out without my bank card and phone with no charge.

It's like, how do you even remember to do that?

At the time, it's the time.

I wish I was a flask person.

I do.

But it's like a sparkling water person.

I'm sure we've talked about this before.

But if you have sparkling water in restaurants, I always think, whoa.

I don't mind sparkling water with a little bit of ribena in it.

Like soda, like a soda.

Soda water.

Oh, do you remember cream soda?

Yeah.

I love that.

Can't get to grips with sparkling water.

Bicarbonate soda.

Does it taste like sparkly?

I just don't get it.

It's all hydrate, though.

It blows my mind.

I think what's coming to light in this part is that I'm not a nagger.

I never have a whine.

That is the exact opposite of what you just said is true.

You've literally, all you've done is nag on this one card.

I'm a horse lover.

No, but if you think about it, I have no whines.

You do.

You whine at me all day and then don't have any for the pod.

Because it's such a happy place.

I don't want to bring any bad vibes.

Maybe the only whine is that you can't eat egg with a hangover.

I just feel a bit uncomfortable with egg on a hangover.

But you always ask.

You could just ask for a full English or full Irish without egg.

Sometimes it changes, though.

So you'll say, I'll have scrambled egg and then not even eat the egg.

In Ireland, I actually saw you put the eggs on another plate.

Yeah, because I couldn't look at them.

I was feeling a bit queasy anyway.

Egg is a thing that you need to fancy.

Egg is one of the things, especially if you're feeling a bit queasy.

Even the word egg.

I could eat eggs anytime.

Really?

I think there'll be people out there that are with me on this.

But you could eat a sausage and egg mat muffin, no problem.

Yeah, not an issue.

That is not an issue at all.

I don't know.

It's something about the way egg moves in the morning.

What?

The way the egg moves in the morning.

I like the egg move.

Bonk at that on the bonk beats.

You know exactly what I mean.

You know what I mean, though, because the sausage doesn't move, right?

A bacon doesn't move.

You know, a black pudding doesn't move.

But an egg has got a little bit of wobble to it in any form.

You know, quite a lot of wobble if you're poaching it.

A hard boil, doesn't?

No, true.

Well, I could eat the hard boil, no problem.

Well, why didn't you order them then?

It's something about the wobble.

There's a definite wobble in it.

We're like, you don't want, like, it's like,

you don't want to go to a boat on a hangover, do you?

You don't want to, like, see things moving.

I do want a bacon and egg butty.

Yeah, me too.

We've been on loads of boats on a hangover.

You're useless on boats on a hangover.

Whenever we do the boat, I'm always snorkeling on my own.

Everyone else is like, absolute bits.

Do you? I can't stand people with motion sickness.

I know. They're weak, aren't they?

Oh, they just come on.

Weak breed.

Come on, we should go for a snorkel and enjoy our day.

Stop being a knob.

So our friend, one of our best friends, Caroline,

we all went on a boat trip together and she was like,

we were all feeling a bit delicate anyway.

So I thought, oh, I'll just have one of these tablets anyway.

I don't normally get roadsick, seasick.

So she gave the whole...

Freaking hell. I don't know what's in this.

Pone sick. It's the new one.

So she gave us... Pone sick.

She gave us all, like, we'd spent a fortune

hiring this yacht for the day.

We're going over the sea for a nice island

to have a lovely lunch.

And whatever she gave us, she took out the whole boat.

All of us.

Gone. I didn't have it. I didn't have it.

I was the only one, right?

I'm not joking. They were gone.

Everyone was asleep.

Pone was asleep.

They would. She gave us these seasick tablets

and just completely wiped us all out.

We couldn't move. We were completely comatose.

And Pete just said, like, a great day on his own.

No, honestly, like, I had the fella...

The fella was like, oh, what's going on with these people?

And like, they weren't even there.

Like, some people were just down, like,

off, like, having a sleep in his little bedroom downstairs.

People on the top deck, bottom deck, just all asleep.

And there's Pete's diving for oysters with the captain.

I was off with him.

Making his own vinegar out with the captain.

He said, mate, I've got some swimmers in there.

Drop me to come with you.

I said, yeah, me and him just went out.

Nice romantic day.

So you left us on the boat with no captain?

Well, no, there was two guys, wasn't there?

And one stayed and one came with me on a day out.

That's for that.

All right, well, that's the weekly wine club.

I've got a creamy Irish drink.

The shit's not Guinness, because we've had too much of it.

But it is Irish.

It just looks like a Guinness head.

Yeah, basically, yeah.

I would love a pint of just the cream,

the pint of the Guinness cream.

That's the best bit.

So you've probably got a knowledge,

the banging come from our bedroom.

But for me, it's nice to just hear some banging in the bedroom.

Yeah, go on either.

I think they should just walk away.

Do you like that one, mate?

I did like it.

I did.

No, it's not.

It's very clever for you, then.

I did like it.

I did like it.

Yeah, I appreciate it.

It's another week, another week to wait now.

It's punishment.

Oh, please, no.

Not another week.

I think it was great being in Dublin.

You know, I am like force, generation, Irish.

It was nice to do a bit of history lesson as well,

like going back through, you know,

seeing some of the tear, like, you know, doing a bit of...

Because I suppose if you live in London,

you don't do as much of that as you should really.

You know, it was good to do that, wasn't it?

And it obviously went back to like, you know,

Sue's who was with us, her mum's house.

Her wife, her mum grew up in Ireland in Dublin.

She lived in this tiny little house.

It was literally this house was like one room

and she was one of nine children.

So when we went to the Guinness factory afterwards,

the house was like five minutes from the factory.

So we all had a walk down to our old street.

So bizarre because it was this builder

working on one of the houses.

It was like a terrace road,

but they were like single story,

tiny little one bedroom

with a tiny little kitchenette in the back.

And I was like, oh, I was like my dad's wife's,

mum used to live in one of these as a child

and there was nine of you and I know the house.

He said, I worked on the house.

He said, and the lady who bought it knew all the history

about the house and said there was nine babies

that lived here at one time.

And we just couldn't believe it.

And he actually showed us in one of the houses

that he was working on.

And it was great for Sue because she was obviously talking

to this guy who knew a lot about her family

and things that Sue didn't even know.

So she was like, it was quite emotional.

Quite emotional, yeah, for her.

Yeah, and for us, it was a good trip, wasn't it, for that?

Yeah, but I think, you know, even our kids of one of four,

I know there was a lot of poverty

and stuff like that in those days.

This was like 80 years ago or whatever,

but the kids would have been happy.

Like I know just my four,

like the amount of bedrooms we've got in our house,

all our kids sleep in one room.

They want to be together.

So it must have been fun as well.

They was a particularly small house.

I've never seen a smaller house in my life.

It was too much.

Smaller than this room?

It was, it was...

So you go in, you've got like this little room there

and then there was one bedroom for everyone.

There was the kitchen and...

It was literally like a two up, two down, wasn't it?

It was no up and down.

Wasn't a two up and two down, it was no up?

It was absolutely no up.

It was one room with a kitchenette.

Yeah.

One room basically, yeah.

One room with a fire and a kitchenette.

Yeah.

Which is, you know, to consider that amount of people in that house.

But they were saying like as the kids get older,

they're like moving with the nuns or like their aunties

and like they kind of like get passed around the family.

But there must have been some kind,

there must have been some...

I didn't see that as a negative really.

I saw that as like a lot of fun.

Like I was one of four and you know,

growing up with a lot of siblings.

Yeah, it's good.

And all sleeping together, like it's cute, isn't it?

Well, your sister's fellow Scott, right?

So he's from Dublin

and he organised the whole trip, right?

Everything was like military precision.

To be fair to him, shout out Scott, we enjoyed it.

Well done.

Yeah, it was a great job.

We went round to his mums

and I suppose like how would class

like a proper Irish welcome, right?

Yeah.

You know, the hospitality, everything.

That's what I would class as that.

Like we went round, it was like the fire was on,

it was homely, it was so...

Credible, like was it Georgian house?

Yeah, it was, yeah.

Incredible Georgian house, like right by the sea.

The fires were on, like real fires in the lounge,

you're like the drinks were flowing.

The table was covered in food

before we even had the meal, crisps, nuts, dips.

We had champagne, we had wine, the beers

and then we all went downstairs and she'd set the table.

It was like Christmas Day, like on steroids.

It was incredible and that's like a normal,

you know, the Irish, like mealtimes

is like the heart of the home, isn't it, baby?

Yeah, it was just such a lot and the food was incredible.

You know, we had a lovely time

and it was like, I suppose it's like Christmas,

the whole thing, isn't it?

Like we went round, we saw family,

we had a beautiful meal with his mum.

I was like Christmas Day,

then we went to Casadix for New Year's Eve.

Yeah, yeah.

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Hey, the new McPlant nuggets, try it.

Mm, and the burger as well.

You already know what summer's day is, right, Hase?

It was like carnage, you know, wasn't it?

But a lot of fun.

But that's so important for me, like meal times,

like as a family sitting down together

and a nice home cook meal.

There's something really wholesome about it.

You know, and everyone was sharing stories

and my dad was loving speaking to Scott's mum

about like all the history of Ireland and growing up there.

You know, it was quite remarkable, wasn't it?

Five different ways potatoes are done on table.

You can boil them, you can chip them,

you can mash them, you can fry them.

Yeah.

I'm actually going to make that meal tonight for us.

But you don't.

I actually am.

You're all talk.

When I was in one of the bars in Ireland,

I was just speaking to this guy

and I was like, oh, we've just been to Scott's mum.

She's made an incredible Irish meal

and he was like, did she make coddle?

And Scott's mum was horrified by that.

She was like, that didn't make bloody coddle.

No, it didn't.

But coddle is like a stew, but with sausages in.

Sounds good, but like bearing in mind,

right, I've come out, right,

and I've seen Ab talking to a fella

and like putting this in a phone

as if she's giving like getting his number or something, right?

And I came out and said, what are you doing?

She was like, just getting a recipe for coddle.

Excuse me.

I was writing it all down in me notes

as he was telling me how to make it

because I thought, I'm pissed now,

I'm not going to remember this tomorrow.

So I've got it and that's what we're having tonight.

Because I normally make my stew with like-

No, what it was, coddle.

I was like, what's coddle?

Yeah, it's nice.

But Scott's mum didn't make coddle.

She made this like chicken and broccoli bake.

Oh, yeah.

And then she made like a beef stroganoff.

Beef baconion.

Beef baconion.

Marsh and new potatoes and big cheese board.

Then we had all the cakes.

It's epic, wasn't it?

It's making me hungry, yeah.

But when we were in Cassidy's,

like it was awesome,

but everyone was singing the lyrics

and I felt like a bit,

even the, I was singing the Roger Van Dyke song.

Yeah, well, that's the thing.

No one else was singing that.

So to paint the picture, Cassidy's is like a traditional Irish bar

and they have these live Irish bands on like every Sunday.

Lively.

It's lively.

Everyone is having a great time.

Everyone's up dancing and singing.

Obviously we went there,

but we couldn't, we didn't know any of the songs.

The only songs we knew were the songs

that we could relate to like football songs.

Like the football version of like Van Dyke.

The old town.

Virgil van Dyke is Virgil van Dyke.

He's a censor.

Yeah, I was trying to put that on my,

I should get like banned from using my phone

when I'm drunk because my God.

You just put stuff up in there.

The next day, like I didn't even know how to spell Virgil van Dyke

for a start.

And then I was trying to Google

how to spell Virgil van Dyke.

We couldn't like spell Virgil van Dyke.

I'm full of Googles.

And then there's just me,

like you're singing the song,

but obviously because the mic's so close to me

and I'm like,

oh.

Like the background, like sound and horrendous.

You need to put the phone down when you've had a few.

So before we went to Castis,

we went to this bar called The Storyteller,

but we'd been there the whole,

the night before for the whole night.

And Jordan, one of our friends who was with us walked in

and was like, oh, this is a nice pub.

And we were like, George,

we were here for about six hours yesterday.

What are you talking about?

No clue that we'd even entered the establishment.

The carnival.

Do you think it's a real thing,

like the Guinness tastes better in Ireland?

Because I do.

Because I'm not like a big Guinness drinker,

but God, I loved it.

What the shout was,

because they drink it more there, you know, it doesn't...

The kegs refreshed.

Yeah, just the kegs refreshed

and the pipes refreshed quicker.

I don't know.

When we had a drink there,

it was the way it was sitting,

it was so much more creamy.

It was sitting,

you know, when you leave it to settle

and you watch it come up,

it just looks so much creamier than it has been here.

And the top tip of a good pint is like the cream

has to like cover the glass

once you finish your pint.

Yeah, you could tell it was like that.

Yeah.

Yeah, so that's our experience of Dublin.

I actually went there when I was 10.

I did like a whole trip of Ireland.

We went to Cork, Banger, Dublin, Limerick.

We did the whole...

So, that was the last time I'd been there,

so to go back and experience it as an adult.

It's a nice place.

It's a nice place and, you know, we'd go back in a heartbeat.

When we...

Yeah.

Everyone was really friendly with us.

We had a great time.

And we'd definitely go back.

If our listeners have got any funny stories

about their times in Ireland, I'd like to hear them.

So...

Yeah, send them in, therapycrouch.com.

We've got some agony abs here.

Are you up for these, Ab?

I think it's funny when you call me Ab.

It's just a bit more formal.

I feel like we had to go formal in this bit.

I've been seeing my new boyfriend officially now for a week.

He asked me to be his girlfriend,

which was cute considering we're both in our 30s.

We've been seeing each other for a few months now

and everything's going great.

Sorry, you just said they've seen each other for a week?

He asked me to be my girlfriend.

Yeah, officially.

Oh, officially for a week, but they've been together for months.

See, I just don't get that.

Why?

It's a new thing, isn't it?

Like what the young people do.

It's basically...

Even me and my dad were talking about this the other night.

It's like, there's all different scenarios.

You're meeting her, you're dating her.

So you can go out with someone and go out with other people

while you make your mind up.

Like back in my day, you'd go out with one person at a time.

No, but I think it's being mutually exclusive, isn't it?

It's like, I want you to be my girlfriend,

then it's like, we're together now, no one else.

A lot of people don't go on dates with loads of people at the same time.

Not all people, no?

Some? Go on.

We've been seeing each other for a few months now

and everything's going great,

but I do need to initiate the do-him-up phase.

The main issue is his hair, it's very thin on top.

It looks like a wispy wieter mix.

He has mentioned in conversation that he's paranoid about losing his hair,

but I don't think he's accepted the harsh reality by looking in the mirror.

I wouldn't mind sending him off to Turkey.

It's the lift, it's the lift when you get in a lift.

You've got that spotlight, you're in the mirror,

you've got that spotlight, you're in the mirror, and even I feel like, oh my god.

Yeah, it's like the kebab light, the night out, isn't it?

The kebab light is all warts and all, isn't it?

I'm forgiven.

Just never go through kebab if you've pulled.

Rule number one.

You've taken me through kebab.

Yeah, but you've seen me warts and all anyway.

I wouldn't mind sending him to Turkey or even giving it a go of him being bald,

but he's sensitive soul,

and they honestly have no idea how to tell him.

In this occasion, I don't think, honestly, it's the best policy.

Claire 35 from London.

He's not accepted it yet.

It's a traumatic thing going bald for anyone.

You'd tell me straight away, you'd be like, oh, you're bald.

No, but there's some people who can go bald and suit it, and others just can't.

Vin Diesel.

Vin Diesel.

My dad, as a young man, had jet black hair, kills me.

Mum, you just like, perm it and blow dry it and everything for him.

And he's completely bald now, but he looks great with it.

But there's certain people, there's a lot to take into consideration.

It's like head shape.

Like, you'll make hair men, he suits being bald.

But you just wouldn't.

You just wouldn't.

You're too big.

You're too tall.

I don't need to be too big.

If I'm standing up, no one can see my hair anyway.

No, but it's just like the shape of your head.

It's not something I want to happen to me.

I'll be honest, I don't.

These hair transplants are not cheap.

I wouldn't be against it.

But you can't say, like, just go to Turkey.

Like, that's a big deal.

It's like thousands, and it's a traumatic process.

I know someone who went to Istanbul and got a flight back,

and there was like 30 fellas on the plane,

and they all had, the worst thing is,

they had these, like, things over them

covering what they've just had done.

But they all had the name of the clinic.

And they all just, like, round them on the flight.

I was going to go back with new barnet.

But I don't think there's that taboo about it anymore.

Like, if people had a hair transplant,

like, back in the day, it'd be, like, a big thing.

But, you know, I think it's just part of, you know,

advanced technology now.

It's like people aren't just putting, like, face creams on.

They're getting Botox or plastic surgery

to preserve themselves and make themselves

feel more confident and better.

Like, if I was a man, I would 100% have one,

if I could afford it.

Because I even know, like, my own experience

when I was pregnant, and I was losing by hair so badly.

I think it's quite traumatic.

Like, it's not for a man, like, we laugh and joke about it,

but deep down, it's not nice.

Especially at a young age, like 35 as well.

It's not nice. It's not ideal.

I don't know. I mean, she's basically saying here,

she's trying to do it right.

She wants to send it to Turkey, but I look to it.

But the worst thing is, is where people are, like,

clinging on for dear life.

It's either you just shave it off,

or you go for the transplant route.

It's when people are, like, they start with the middle part,

and then the part starts there,

and they've got, like, four strands of hair,

like, wrapping over the head.

They'll comb over.

The Bobby Charlton vibes.

Bobby Charlton special.

It's just not acceptable.

No.

It's just not acceptable at all.

But it's traumatic.

You'd be traumatised if you lost your hair.

I would.

Imagine.

It's the same for men. It's not nice.

I think he's just kind of got a...

Like, we were looking at a guy on the telly last night.

He had a completely bald head,

and they had a three-strand ponytail there in a bubble.

Here we go.

This is Malcolm Glazier.

The owner of that, you know what I mean?

He's got, like, a little thing at the back of the head.

You could see it.

I'd, like, gel in it and everything,

so he's obviously been in the mirror,

like, doing it and putting this bubble in.

It's like, where'd you even find it?

It's like, he had, like, a loom band on it,

because it was so thin, like, a normal bubble.

It wouldn't even...

A normal bubble would be too big.

Like, that's not acceptable.

Hi, guys.

I've just moved from Ireland to Australia.

I'm trying to travel and see the world.

I thought I was going to come over here

and find a hot Australian, like, on Bondi Rescue

and at home and away.

Needless to say, I haven't.

They're actually even worse than the Irish lads

that I've been used to.

But at least they have better accents.

Do you have any tips...

Who has a better accent?

The Aussies or the Irish?

She's saying the Aussies have better accents.

No, they don't.

Yeah, but if you're from Ireland every day,

it's something different, I suppose.

Do you have any tips on dating?

Not using dating websites, because they freak me out.

I want to go and find a nice guy,

but all the men my age are not ideal.

Should I round up and go way older or stick with my age?

It's a tough out here.

And I don't know if I want to settle down,

but I definitely want a fun, funny man

who's not an all-round idiot.

S-O-S.

He's off the marker.

He's off the marker.

Do one.

Do one.

What's her name?

Carrie.

Carrie, fuck off.

Pete's mine.

Well, you do think he could go to Australia

and find a hunk, let's be honest.

Yeah.

Or hunkette.

What's the bit?

Hunk of it?

Get a version of a hunk.

Otty.

Um, it's just a nice girl, baby.

Yeah, we're hot.

Like, everyone thinks of Australians

as being like hot blonde tans

running on the beach in a bikini or swimming trunks.

And that's obviously what she thought

was going to happen to her.

Yeah.

And it hasn't.

It's not happened yet.

No.

Any advice for her?

I like that.

I haven't spent a weekend in Dublin.

The Irish guys were great.

So much fun.

Like, it's so nice and chatty.

Like, I don't think you need to go to literally

the opposite side of the world.

Yeah, but I think sometimes you're in the same place

doing the same things all the time.

Like, people want to get away

and just sample something different, don't they?

It's like my dad said he'd never marry a Scouse girl.

My dad said Scouse girls are an absolute nightmare.

And not to go near them with a barge pole.

That's what my own father said to you, didn't he?

He did, yeah.

He said they were high maintenance.

He was entirely correct.

They're not high maintenance, Pete.

It's just good fun.

They are.

They are.

It's a difference.

Oh, watch it.

I don't think she should go older.

I don't see what the significance is.

Why would an older guy...

Well, if you're wanting fun, definitely don't get an older guy.

But sometimes they're more mature.

Then they start slowing down and being boring.

They might be like the Mr. Big style or whatever,

but then they're going to be like old and boring.

Yeah.

Shall we go out tonight, babe, on the town?

No, let's just stay in and watch Corrie.

What's happened?

I know what you're saying.

Yeah, I suppose it does.

But they're also more mature.

Like girls mature quicker than men, don't they?

Or want to settle down...

Maybe you're 42.

I'm still waiting for you to mature.

Literally.

Yeah, but the moment I'm mature is the time when I want to stay in.

You're only going bald.

You're not maturing.

I'm not maturing.

I'm going bald.

I'm going bald, though.

I've got a lovely head of hair.

You've got gorgeous hair, but it does go further back now.

It doesn't go further back.

We're getting the little island.

I'm looking at any island.

There's no island there.

There's no island.

There's no island.

We'll just monitor that in the coming weeks.

While we were in Dublin, I used the air app on Pete

and this volume spray.

And how good was it?

Yeah, my volume was fantastic.

OK, help this poor girl, will you?

Well, yeah. Oh, God, sorry.

So Carrie's actually written a little bit more here.

She said, here's some context for the Australian men so far.

Went on a date with a guy and went for dinner.

Bill came to £200.

I'm all... Well, $200 Australian, I imagine.

I'm always happy to go hard,

but he asked me out and then used his dad's card to pay

and drove to the ATM where he told me to get cash out

and pay the full amount.

That's so good.

You can't do that, can you?

Yeah, but you think it's, like, good manners for a man to...?

I don't know.

I just think it's nice for the girl to, like,

feel that he's trying his best.

You know, he wants to play, he's trying to impress me.

Makes them feel a bit more special.

Yeah, and then every day life, you could go halves.

Yeah, every day stuff, maybe, you know?

But I think the first date is nice to...

But, like, taking it to the cash point.

But you made me buy my own drink on our first date.

Yeah, but that's what I'm saying.

It's like, you said to me,

can I get a drink for you?

And I said, I just said, yeah, yeah, cheers.

But I would never make you pay the whole meal.

How would you feel?

I don't know, but we're old and we're old-fashioned in this sense.

I reckon you told your mates, you're like,

oh, my God, like, you made me pay as well.

Do you know what, right?

Carrie's 22.

I think she needs to just chill, like, have fun, see Australia.

Carrie's 22?

She's 22.

She doesn't even need to settle down, my God.

No, but I don't think she says she wants to settle down.

She just wants us scrapping Australian.

Don't we all, sister?

Don't we all?

Join the club.

Join the fucking queue, love.

But she's not getting it.

So, either of you.

You were the thick guy.

He's on home and away though, wasn't he?

Yeah, I think Carrie, just stick with it.

You know, you're 22.

Have some fun and, you know, the right guy will come along.

Do you want to read what both is, James?

Hi, Abby and Pete.

My wife can't cook, not even a bit.

I'd rather have a slice of bent toast.

She keeps saying I've put on weight, which I have.

The reason is that I'm eating chippy dinners every night on the way home from work.

Every time I suggest trying something different,

like a nice piece of salmon, it always ends up being dry as a bone.

When I mention it to her, there are two reactions.

Number one, cook your own dinner then, and then a fight.

Or two, she ends up getting upset, and I end up saying it's not that bad.

I actually like it, and then I eat the whole plate, which is never ideal.

I don't get home until later, so it's not ideal to have to do the cooking.

Any tips on how to address this and what are some easy dinners I could suggest

that are not salad or impossible to burn?

James 35.

OK, so what do you think here?

I mean, you're the chef in our relationship.

Would you say I was a good cook?

Yeah, I'd say you're a good cook, yeah.

What's your favourite meal that I cook you?

I like the stew that you do.

I've always liked the fish pie.

I've always been a fan of that.

The tiger in curry is very good.

I asked you if you wanted fish pie the other day, and you said no.

You went, hmm?

You just didn't fancy it.

You've got to be in a fishy mood, haven't you, sometimes?

Roast.

Yeah, I mean, but he's really struggling.

She's not a good chef, and she gets defensive when he questions it.

But it's quite demoralising, especially in our house,

when I'm making a dinner.

And then you're like, age is making it, and the kids are like,

oh, that's disgusting.

I don't want to eat that.

I don't like that.

And then it goes in the bin or given to the dog.

And you've, you know, you've put a lot of time into making the dinner,

and it's, you're just getting criticised.

It's a big, it's a big thing, like, though, at dinner, isn't it?

You know, like, and if he's getting home from work

and she's trying to cook, and it's every day, it's not great.

It's just affects your quality of life.

Well, he could try and cook himself.

I know, but I don't know.

He's getting a little lazy.

Yeah, maybe, maybe he does have to do that.

Maybe he has to, he also doesn't want to hurt our feelings.

So, you know, I'll take over this cooking as you're used to this.

I'm not an amazing, like, my friend Liberty is the most incredible cook.

And my brother, like, they can have, like, the three most random

ingredients in the fridge and can make come up with the most incredible dinner.

But you know, yourself, when you go to a restaurant, you're like,

God, this is so easy to make.

You could make it.

It's hard having that inspiration, isn't it?

It's hard having the inspiration.

And then, obviously, when you've got babies and children, like Libs,

doing this whole vegetarian thing at the moment, isn't she?

Because they're best friends of vegetarian.

You know, it's just hard coming up with ideas

and keeping it fresh and interesting and tasty.

It's hard.

And I think maybe you've just got to try and get in the kitchen,

try and muscle in.

I know you might be late for work and she wants to make you a nice dinner.

It's not natural for a lot of people.

Like, a lot of people just, like, cook because, you know, cook to eat to eat to survive kind of thing.

Some people really enjoy it and take loads of pride in it.

Recipes now, you get them easy.

You get it.

You buy the recipe, don't you?

You know, you just buy it for that particular meal and then make it.

There's so many of these companies now, like Hello Fresh or something like that,

where they send you the, all the ingredients, you know, it cuts out wastage

because one of my biggest hates is throwing food away.

That goes out to date.

And I find this, I actually want to make a complaint.

This is my wine of the week.

Oh, there we go.

So, my wine is when you buy food from an online store

and you try and do, like, a weekly shop because I'm trying to get, you know, prepared,

plan the meals for the week and then they send you food, like, two days to the expiry date.

And then you just wouldn't think that had happened.

And then you're like, you know, you have to throw the food away.

So that's my wine.

So please, whoever I buy my food off, can you please change that?

You know who you are.

You know who you are.

So yeah, hit us with some more agony abs.

Okay.

Hey, Adam and Pete.

I love you guys.

Both very funny.

Weddings are amazing and so much is happening on the day.

And one of the best pieces of advice I got was to take some time just to spend with my partner on your own,

even just for a few minutes.

Oh, that's the advice that we gave.

So she's taken it into and used it.

Yeah.

She's thanking us for the advice, basically.

She's nice, isn't it?

Take some time with my partner on my own, even just a few minutes.

We did this.

We took 10 minutes before dinner in a big Georgian townhouse where our wedding was.

The staff came and made us special drinks and we just sat back and took everything in.

Great idea.

That's so nice.

We chatted and just looked in awe at everything.

And it's one of my favourite memories that's still so vivid in my mind.

I remember looking back at everyone, enjoying the day and thinking we did this and just feeling full of love.

I'd love to know what your favourite memory from your day is and did you and Pete get some alone time away from the rest of the world?

And do you have key moments that will stay with you forever?

Love, Claire from Ireland.

That's lovely.

So obviously we said make sure you have, she's obviously got married soon after that.

And said take your time, you know, because you're also rushing around making sure everyone else is like,

just make sure you've got that time, that 10 minutes, like just to sit back and go,

oh, we're married now.

Take it all in.

It is such a whirlwind your wedding day.

It's kind of hectic.

So I'm glad she's done that.

And as she said, it's the most precious time.

What was your most precious time from our wedding?

Oh, I think mine was when we walked into the chapel and we saw everyone there,

like all our loved ones and our nearest and dearest and everyone was so happy to be there and like celebrate this day with us.

I remember just walking through the big doors and seeing you standing at the altar, quaking.

I'm joking.

But you know, I've still got a vivid memory of it now.

I think when I was waiting, then I look back, like that's the moment you put yourself in.

I wonder what who's going to, who's going to, I'm going to be married to or that moment when you look back,

you go like, oh, and I thought I was very proud of myself.

Oh, thanks babe.

Very proud of myself.

I was fine.

Thank you.

And then, yeah, I thought, yeah, I suppose it's like beyond my wildest dreams.

That girl standing there.

So, yeah.

Even though I look this rough today after Bloody Island, I didn't even wash my hair today.

Yeah, but you look great then.

It has been bloody nearly 12 years.

Shut up.

That was to us all, babe.

You look stunning today as always.

Babe, I look like Fragile Rock today.

So that, yeah, that's lovely.

That's lovely.

It feels like we've actually helped someone, believe it or not.

Yeah, no, we have helped people.

The messages I get from people, they just blow me away.

You know, little things that you say in jest or whatever.

It is really helping people and people are enjoying, you know, people who are having a bad time and just to laugh.

Laughter is the best medicine.

It certainly is.

But I think that's important.

You know, like if you do feel that someone's feeling a bit down in the dumps or having a bad week or, you know, just need to belly laugh.

We've had lots of emails from people coming in and saying, like, I've been having a shit week or having a shit time

and they've listened to this and found themselves laughing and feeling a bit better.

So that's good.

So hopefully that can continue.

Yeah, and people should pass it on.

I know you do pass the pod in your, on your one.

Highly successful podcast.

We have actually had someone right in say in there, oh, it should be Vouch for the Crouch.

Vouch for the Crouch?

I like it.

Well, yeah, if you want to pass it on, you know, tell your friends, Vouch for the Crouch.

It's important.

Hashtag Vouch the Crouch.

Do you want me to read this one?

This benefit is A-up.

A-up?

A-up, duck.

I don't know if it's Gary from Boyle there again.

I've got some news to share.

Me and the Mrs have gone and had ourselves a beautiful baby girl.

Little Lucy came out at seven pounds five and both mum and baby are very healthy.

But here's the thing, somehow I've been roped into doing all the night feeds.

I'll have to answer this one then.

Oh my God.

At first I thought it'd be a good...

I'm feeling, is this a him or a her?

It's a him.

At first I thought it'd be a nice northern, I'd be a nice northern bloke and lend my hand.

But now it's become my full-time job.

The Mrs kips like a lock.

Yeah.

So as soon as the baby starts staring, it's up to me to sort her out.

I'm already knackered from working all day.

And now I've got to be a dad and a night nurse too.

It's a proper stitch-up.

That's what it is.

The Mrs reckons she's on duty all day with the bear.

She's taking me back to all four of them.

The Mrs reckons she's been on duty all day with the bear.

So I'm on the night shift.

But I'm starting to wonder if she's just taking the mickey.

I want to be helpful and all.

But I'm getting sick of this.

And we've got a long road ahead of us.

We reckon, Abby and Pete, any tips on how to survive on no sleep and keep your sanity intact.

Cheers, Freddie from Yorkshire.

Feel your Freddie, mate.

I remember I was there throughout all of them.

It became a game where we'd lie there and I'd know she was awake.

And she knew I was awake.

But it was battle of who could stay the longest.

Baby starving to death in the background.

She's crying, crying, crying.

Then I'd go, I'd break. I'd always break first.

And then I'd look back and I could see like the eyes closed still.

Smile, mate.

What a load of crap that is.

I remember just being like, that's, you know,

winding three in the morning.

You absolutely sparkle.

OK, I'm just going to tell the truth on this matter now.

So obviously when you've got a brand new baby,

you kind of try and make the last night feed, the first night feed around 11.

So I'd usually stay up till 11.

Ooh.

11.

I go to bed early.

Shut the hell up.

So I'd do the 11 o'clock.

Thanks, babe.

And then the 3 a.m. one.

I'd do.

Pete would do.

3 and 6 usually, 3 and 7.

And then the half 6, 7, 1 I would do.

11 till half 6, 7.

Watch everyone get up.

There's a full night's sleep.

But everyone is listening.

Full night's sleep.

Entire night's sleep.

So, you know, I did the 11 one.

You can come on, carry on.

Get it all out.

There was another one at half 6, 7, like when I woke up.

Get it all out.

Come on.

The 3.

Everyone knows the 3 o'clock one is horrific.

I haven't finished.

I haven't finished.

And then the morning, you get the night when you're awake

and the morning when you woke up.

And we do this alternatively each night.

It was my next line.

So, obviously one night I'd do like the 11 and the 6.

And Pete would do the 3.

And then the next night, Pete would do the 11 and the 6.

And I would do the 3.

And I think that is key for at least getting.

What are you looking at?

You're just lying.

I'm not lying.

You just go and kick a ball around for half an hour.

Get a nice meal cooked for you.

Have a nice long shower.

Get in the jacuzzi.

Have a little massage and then come home

expecting food on the table and saying you're exhausted.

That's what people do for fun.

And that was your job.

That was your job for the 3 of our kids.

The last one, you moved to Burnley for 3 months.

So that's bullshit as well.

Yeah, but what I'm saying is I've got a job

and I need to be a highly tuned athlete, right?

It's a piggy plate for Burnley.

There's no highly tuned athletes there.

Let's be honest.

Let's be honest right now.

Why is she an athlete there?

Oh, my God.

In that team then, not in the whole of Burnley,

they probably is, but it's not like it was Madrid.

If you're playing for Madrid, then I'd be like,

babe, you chill out, you lie down.

But Bloody Burnley, you've got no excuse.

Premier League, it's the pinnacle of league football.

But there's Premier League and there's Premier League.

Listen, I'm a highly tuned athlete that needs to be fed.

I need sleep to perform at the optimal level.

You used to come home and have a nap in the afternoon.

I did the majority of the night feasts.

There were some that I did.

You know, I thanked her.

No, for dragging herself out of bed for a young child.

She's just bore.

Don't even get me started.

Newborn and the night feasts are such a special time for me.

We used to write down every time.

So it'd be like 11.03.

She had 30 mils of poo away.

The colour and consistency of the poo.

We'd have pads next to our bed with all this.

And you'd always say, oh, don't feed at three.

I'll remember that.

And then you'd be like, what time would you feed at?

You literally couldn't remember a thing, could we?

You couldn't remember it, yeah.

I miss those times.

And the little bottles they used to have.

The little tiny little ones.

The little nappies they had.

It's a tough time for her, you know what?

We did it four times, but you get through it, don't you?

At the time, you think, oh, my God, how am I coping with this?

But once you get through it, it goes so quick

and then you're half on it back, don't you?

Yeah, you do. Do you remember that witching hour?

I think it was only Johnny who did it.

We'd like cry from like nine to 11 every night.

Because none of our babies have been cryers at all.

And then I used to have like half round on the phone.

My mum, like Chrissie had calls.

I was like, we're so crying.

It's like a thing, just like putting the little baby lullabies on

and nursing them around the room. I love that phase.

Right, Freddie.

Yeah, I mean, if your wife's anything like mine,

that's not going to get better, mate.

It's just going to have to, you know, get through it really.

You just love this whole role,

this whole character you've created for yourself.

Like Mr. Fucking Perfect.

It's not Mr. Perfect. I just get up in the night and you didn't.

I've just said we did All Turn at Night and that's true.

Look me in the eye.

Yeah.

And tell me that we did All Turn at Night.

We did All Turn at Night, but also Pete, you're a light sleeper.

So if you wake up, what's the point in waking me up?

Do you know what I mean?

If you wake up, what's the point in waking me up?

If you're awake, why should you wake me up?

You did some like beats.

I did them a job.

Let's just finish it on that.

All right, well listen, you know, I love the ugly abs.

They're always good, aren't they?

And I've enjoyed that part.

It's nice going back for our little weekend.

Dublin's a special place. Ireland's a special place.

I'll always hold a nice place in our heart

and we'll be going back, won't we?

Oh yeah, 100%. I loved it.

I think it's a perfect city break.

It's a perfect city break. The people were amazing.

It was fun. We had a laugh.

We got to pour our own pint of Guinness.

We saw some history.

We saw where Sue's mum grew up as a baby.

You know, it was, looking back, it's magical times.

Yeah, very, very nice.

And I think all's left to say really now is, you know,

get us on our social medias.

We've got them then, babe, on our social channels.

What are they?

TikTok, YouTube, Instagram and Twitter.

Yeah, we've got them all there.

We're across them all.

And it's thetherapycrochet.com if you want to get in touch.

Thanks, guys.

Follow us on The Therapy Crouch on Instagram, YouTube, Twitter

and get in touch on our website at thetherapycrochet.com

and we are here to listen to your stories

if you've got any wines or agony ab questions, send them in

and we're happy to help.

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