The Therapy Crouch: To Dream The Impossible Dream

He can't ever be beaten, Peter.

Well, I don't like to be beaten.

Not even by a 14-year-old boy.

Look, the kids shouldn't be listening to me.

I've got hoes in different areas of the code.

The hell's going on in the world?

Don't you tell me what to do?

Hi, welcome back to The Therapy Crouch with me, Abby Clancy.

And when Pete puts his phone down, he will join us.

Sorry. Hi, I'm Peter Crouch.

I was looking at golf times there.

What?

Yeah.

It's all good.

Pete?

A few books in.

I thought you were just going to knock this whole golf thing

on the head for holiday season?

No, this is when it starts.

This is golf season.

You played three times last week?

Twice.

Well, twice and paddle golf, same thing.

I said not technically the same thing,

but it's still like a sport that you can escape to play in.

Yeah, but it's a holiday.

On holiday, you do pursuits that you enjoy.

I thought you did enjoy paddle, Abby.

I thought you played a little bit.

I do, but because I'm so rubbish,

Pete doesn't like to play with me.

Oh, OK.

I think we've done, if we've discussed it before,

but Ab has an amazing knack of being

able to hit it out of the court with every shot.

And when I say out of the court, you know,

there's like a box, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not over the net, not into the net, like out of the court.

And it's like through the gap between the metal bar and that.

I don't know how you manage it.

Like, I said she'd get more kind of squirt.

It's precision.

Close that racket face up.

She was she's face onto it and it comes here.

And obviously she's got to hit it back there.

So she's got to get like that.

But she goes, she's still front on out the court.

But you know, it would be nice if you could coach me there.

I'll coach you.

You know, I was watching the Barbie movie.

You know, it's quite romantic when the the man gets behind

and like shows you how to hit a racket or hit a golf club.

I'm happy to do, you know, like they do in the movies to do all that.

I can be your Ken.

Ken.

I'd love to teach you.

Kamala.

You're more like Ken Barlow.

Remember Ken Barlow.

Ken Barlow checked out about in the weight troves.

My claim to fame.

You must look a bit like Deirdre.

Because I'm a bit like Deirdre.

You know, I was because I was in the car and I said, I was Ken Barlow there.

And then I stayed in the car while I was just running quickly to weight troves.

As she ran in, I watched Ken and he went.

And just checked her ass out for ages.

Still got it.

I was out to get out and go, fucking give it a rest, Ken.

I love it how you get jealous of the most ridiculous people.

Kamala.

Kamala.

Quite a suave old man.

Ken does well with the ladies to be fair.

Not as well, Ken.

Until what's his name came in?

Devsauce of the Mountain.

No, do you remember?

She went with the, she went with that fella, didn't she?

Did Deirdre?

Who?

Remember?

Deirdre didn't leave Ken, did she?

She did.

I think Deirdre looked a little bit like that.

She definitely had a fling with Dev at one point as well.

No, she did.

She did.

Bit of a gore, Deirdre.

Was that Rita who was with Dev?

No.

No, Dev took the shop off Rita, didn't he?

I think, I think.

Yeah.

I haven't watched it for a while, long time, but.

I think I was about, Fizz was, Fizz was the child last time I watched it.

I don't know, it's been a while.

I mean, Ken was still in it.

You can't still be in it, surely.

He is.

Ken Barlow.

Yeah, yeah.

So how's your week been?

What else have you been up to, apart from Barbie and Paddle?

Got a few funny things that I had to write down.

I've got a little notebook now that I write into when Ab does things now.

So I think I've got to mention that.

Do you remember when you said to me, I said,

she could put some tunes on.

And I said, what do you fancy?

She said, what about the top 100 TikTok songs?

I went, pardon.

Bearing in mind, I've never been on TikTok.

100 TikTok songs?

Where did that come from?

Who are you?

Well, the top 50 is shite.

You've got to get through loads of bad songs to get to a good one,

but at least with the TikTok chart.

It's like viral songs that are quite good, I think.

Really?

It wasn't bad, too fair.

It wasn't...

I can't even think of one song.

Well, that brings me, actually, to being in the car with my daughter.

And I said, Dad, put some tunes on.

I said, what do you want?

She went, area codes.

I went, what?

People are like, I got hoes in different area codes.

And she went, just like, can't be that one.

I said it to Ab that it can't be that one.

It was Ludacris, that wasn't it?

Ludacris, yeah.

Gad, hoes.

It was a soundtrack from Rush Hour 3.

Did you watch Rush Hour recently?

Yeah, it was a different version.

Have you watched Rush Hour recently?

Never watched Rush Hour in my entire life.

Me, Chris Tucker, Jackie Chan.

Isn't there, like, Rush Hour 94 out now?

Yeah, it's one of those.

No.

I didn't think they brought a fourth up yet.

Someone two and three.

Oh, fourth one.

Rush Hour, I would rather die than watch Rush Hour.

Wouldn't you?

It's not on my to-do list, I'll be honest,

but I get the premise, you know, when I was 14.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

The kids might have been watching Rush Hour.

And that's where you got it from.

Absolutely, you went.

It's TikTok.

Oh, oh.

It's the TikTok card.

It's got the TikTok card.

Like, you know, the kids shouldn't be listening

till I've got hoes in different area codes.

What the hell's going on in the world?

Ludacris, it's Ludacris.

I bloody love Ludacris, where is he?

Yeah, he was good.

What else have we done?

What he's doing now?

Yeah, we're just getting ready to go on holiday.

Rush Hour, 18.

I've got one.

Obviously, it involves your packing again.

But why did you pack?

Why are you packing noodles?

Because...

Can you not get noodles where we're going?

You can, yeah.

But I refuse to pay £2.80 for a pack of noodles.

Is that bad?

No.

Is that just the quick ones for the kids?

There's the Chinese noodles.

They're like 80p in Home and Bargain or less.

Yeah.

And the 280.

Really?

Where we go.

Scandalous.

That is scandalous.

You know, I'm not a minge bag.

But I'm also not a fool.

And I'm not getting ripped off by noodles.

Yeah.

There's lots of people that take kind of like...

My dad takes marmite, do I?

Yeah, would you take like...

Tea bags?

Tea bags.

No.

The tea is wrong.

I'm a tea drinker.

You just can't get it out there.

It's true.

They only do Yorkshire tea?

Yeah, I don't mind Yorkshire tea.

But now I'm talking about...

Isn't it like...

It's water and the milk.

Don't you like Tetley's?

I love Tetley's, yeah.

A nice cup of tea in the morning is pretty imperative, I think.

And I don't want to sound like, you know, kind of Brit abroad.

But I would like a nice cup of tea in the morning.

We've changed, I think.

I don't know who we are.

Like packing noodles and tea bags.

It's just...

I don't know.

You know, it's just not where I thought I'd be.

Really?

You know, it's the little things that add up that make you happy.

They're the most important things.

Maybe it is a sign of getting all, you know, I think...

Are we going to start, like, looking at species of birds soon?

They're like...

I mean, Dad takes pictures of birds and sends me,

oh, guess what?

On your garden this morning, there's four of these birds.

Every old person looks at birds, don't they?

I do, like I've heard, I'll be honest with you.

And I do mean the ones that fly.

The...

I do enjoy it.

When you see a bird of prey, it is exciting.

You can't deny it.

I'm not...

What bird of prey have you seen?

Wildest blows.

Pete, you wouldn't even hold the little baby owl

in the water park through the day.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

Pete was scared of the owl.

He wasn't a baby owl, by the way.

The owl was that big?

It wasn't that big.

And Pete wouldn't hold it and, like, humiliated all our children.

So I had to, you know, I'm constantly holding these, like, ferocious animals.

Ferocious animals.

No, that wasn't true at all.

Firstly, the owl was fucking humongous.

I think it was two owls.

The one that you were talking about was about that big.

Can you remember what his name was?

No.

Moses.

Moses.

It's a good name, but another one actually isn't.

It's a good name in general.

I want to be called that.

Mm.

Moses.

Did he...

Wasn't he sneaky?

No, Moses.

Moses was a buddy?

He parted the Red Sea.

He parted the Red Sea.

Moses is a proper lurch.

You're thinking of fucking...

Judas.

Sorry, yeah.

That was pretty self-explanatory.

Sorry, Moses.

So, Pete, what was the...

So what's your version of these events?

What is it?

It was the biggest owl I've ever seen, number one.

And secondly, all the kids had held it, and she was like,

you hold it, and I was like, I'm totally fine.

They've all held it.

I was happy watching, taking pictures.

You know, it's not a good thing having a man who's scared of animals.

You know, I have to hold a freaking armadillo.

And that dragon lizard thing, a snake, a tarantula...

You've held all these animals?

Yeah.

She has a...

But I held them as well.

I have a snake ramen egg.

No, you didn't.

I did hold them.

I did hold them.

You didn't?

I did hold them.

You wouldn't even pick a mouse off the curtain, Paul.

I did.

I did pick it off.

I did get it off.

Granted, I had rubber gloves.

I had to go and get rubber gloves.

Naked.

Naked with rubber gloves.

Rubber gloves, man.

Trying to catch them out.

Yeah.

I'd love it.

It was a bad look.

They're actually fake tan gloves.

How are they?

They were purple.

Yeah, that wasn't a good look.

And, like, the fuck, you know, they're so fast, they don't feel nice.

I don't like mice, though, really.

But I could job...

You've got a big strapping man to deal with it, don't you?

It's not owls on on my radar.

I'll hold one if I have to, but I'm not...

It's not on my to-do list.

I'm not...

I don't need to do it.

I don't feel enriched for, you know, or less enriched for not holding an owl.

I love owls.

I like them, as well.

I like them, as well.

They're hoos.

So wise.

Old and wise.

So have you got any wines?

Well, you know when we went away a couple of weeks ago?

Your neck situation.

I did feel sorry for you the first day, but it was the whole...

It was the whole two weeks, wasn't it?

Can I just say, heaven forbid, I get, like, a big illness that lasts a long time,

because I thought, we're going away.

I've been so busy, I haven't been to the gym.

Felt a bit crappy.

So I'm going to go on healthy eating, go to the gym every day.

First day I went to Pilates and hit my neck and literally couldn't move for ten days.

Like, literally couldn't move.

And if someone put the finger on me, it was like a lightning bolt going through.

Ha! What's the noise? Ha!

And he was like, will you just fuck off with that neck?

And I was like, Pete, I'm injured.

It's ruining everyone's trip.

There's lots of times you've got to get through it, because I mean...

But Pete, you're like walk passing it, all right, babe?

Like that, I mean, I can be like...

For two weeks.

Absolutely milked the life out.

But why can't you look after me?

I did at first, but it just gets to a stage where it's like, come on.

Sort it out.

Don't look at me like that.

If I had a bad neck for two weeks...

I wouldn't think of footballers who are out of the season for six months or whatever,

they're not getting told to get a grip.

Yeah, but if I had done my cruciate ligament or something like that,

or broke my arm or shoulder,

I don't think I'd be every time...

Yeah, but the pain was excruciating, even like...

I was taking double ibuprofen, didn't even touch it.

Literally.

Stop stroking the cat.

Dr. Evil.

You got this cat. I didn't even want this cat.

So, for context, Pete's got our 17-year-old cat Maggie on his knee.

Our tailless cat.

Loves me.

I don't...

She knows we're going away, you see?

She knows.

She can sense a good person.

So I shouldn't sit on your knee.

What about you? Have you had any wines this week?

Is this what you say? I haven't really got any.

And then I'll load 40 at me.

I actually haven't got...

No, my wine is just kind of...

I want you to look after me a little bit better when I'm not well.

Yeah, no, obviously I'm joking a bit there.

You know, I did feel sorry for you.

It's not nice. You just needed chiropractor, really.

Yeah, but I had no phone to phone one, and I didn't see you making any calls.

Do you know what I mean?

You know, when Pete's got cut on his foot at the moment,

and he's susceptible to infection,

it's bad breeding.

Is that what he told you?

Something like that on the phone.

So the doctor is sending pictures, you know, there's, you know,

a red ring around it, you know, terrified.

It's going to expand them, getting a sharpie drawn around the red ring

to see if it gets any bigger.

Phone the doctor, we need antibiotics.

Yeah, antibiotics, done.

Like for me, you're just like, well, you shut up, Moanen.

Ah, that's not true. No, it's not true.

It actually is.

It's really not. I was there for you, obviously.

Is that in mind or spirit or body?

So I could look after you slightly better when you're sick or injured.

Okay, I'll bear that in mind.

Shall we get into Smaudian's lines?

Do you want to write, do you want to read this one?

I just wanted you to write here, we know to say...

It's good, it's good.

How much you helped me recently?

As dog people, you should understand this,

hopefully, so here it goes.

It's not bad.

So I had to say goodbye to my wee boy Oscar a few weeks ago

on the 24th of June.

He was my soulmate,

and we got through the hardest of times,

and pretty much saved my life just being by him.

It was just me and him from nine years.

It goes, shit.

He was my best buddy.

Oh, my gosh.

My son in my eyes, and I'm lost without him.

Oh, that's a sad one, and you're doing it in the Scottish accent.

I know, let's continue.

The only thing I've been able to watch, slash listen to,

is you guys talking shit and just being real.

It's kept me going.

Anyway, thank you for helping me through this heartbreak.

I just wanted you both to know what a difference you're making.

Thank you, Nicky C from Glasgow.

Glasgow.

Hold on, so who did she lose?

A doggy.

Do you know what?

It's actually nothing worse than losing a pet.

Well, I think there is, to be honest.

But...

Well, it is, isn't it?

Let's be honest.

I mean, you didn't let me finish,

because it's literally like your baby.

No, it's horrific. I don't get me wrong.

You know, they are part of the family.

No, unbelievable.

Like, I've been through it myself.

Horrific when you lose a dog.

But it's nice to see that, you know,

there are this, what we do, hopefully,

can bring smiles to people's faces.

But that's a thing.

You know, that's why I love it when our audience

leave comments or write us notes and stuff,

because I feel like

we do talk so much shit on here.

And, you know, maybe we've devalued ourselves a bit.

But here, you know, I've had so many messages

of people saying they're going through a really bad time,

or they're going through a divorce,

or they're going through cancer treatment,

or some horrific circumstances,

and us literally talking shit has put a smile on the face

and made them laugh through the hard times.

And I think that's kind of, you know, why we're here, really.

It makes it worse.

I know that sounds so cheesy,

but I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, mean that.

You know, yourself, when you're so down,

laughter is like the best on it.

You know, we've all got that meat.

It'll come around and cheer you up and make you laugh

and get you out of bed.

You know, I actually feel quite honored that we can do that to people.

Well, you know what?

It's just like we're having a good time and we're having a laugh.

And, you know, we enjoy it.

And hopefully, you know, people listening can get on board with it.

And I've been ridiculed through this podcast,

being on the front of the newspaper,

being called a freak in the sheets and all that garbage,

which is not true.

Literally, the things that have been said that are out of context.

It's like we've been, we've been writing our book.

And we do these, you know, we do how, like, the whole process works.

It's like a whole series of interviews.

We're kind of, you know, choosing topics and talking through them.

And then you get the transcript back and you're like, bloody hell, did I say that?

And hearing some of the things I say in black and white is outrageous.

Absolutely outrageous.

And out of context sound absolutely bonkers.

And you're like, oh my God, I can't possibly say that.

Well, I think, like, when you talk, like, doing this kind of podcast

and, you know, being on YouTube and things like that,

like, you can see kind of the way you're saying it.

But sometimes when you write things down,

you're like, well, are they being serious there or what?

You don't know.

But if you see someone's kind of facial expressions, you know, don't you?

It's like Pete put on his golf group.

So Pete's got about, there's probably about 100 guys on this golf group.

50? 50 guys? Or 100?

No, it's about 100, yeah.

And they all came to watch Crouchfest last year.

So Pete put the thing up and said, oh, it's that time of year again, Crouchfest is back.

And if you go for the VIP ticket, you can get to meet me.

And not one of them on the whole group replied.

You kept that one quiet pizza.

But like, obviously it was a joke.

But I don't know, there must have been someone before.

The fuck is he talking about?

But have you ever been on like a WhatsApp group where someone will put something in a group

and you'll text other members of the group separately and go, oh my God, can you believe it?

They just said that.

I reckon they've made up a separate group saying, what abuse?

What abuse?

What abuse group?

What abuse group?

And just pictures of you with like Prince William or Mickey Rourke, David Becker.

What abuse group?

You were fucking, what's the name?

Camilla Cabello.

What abuse group?

Listen, I said, I reckon there's some groups without you in there as well.

I reckon I'm the icon.

I reckon my face is the what abuse icon on the group.

What abuse?

I love the word butte.

What a butte.

Grow up.

Grow up.

But like that WhatsApp thing, there's definitely breakaway groups of like,

like someone keeps putting in things.

Run group.

Run group.

What a knob.

We know for a fact we've got loads of breakaway groups.

Next one.

What do we do?

Slag our ass around.

Okay, another one.

My wine.

We put in our russ looks like Sam Fox in a hay day.

Don't think it was a hay day to be honest.

All right, my wine.

Hubby is really grinding my gears.

I listen to his bullshit moaning about work and his work colleagues every day.

I go out my way to help ease his bad days.

Running a bath, waiting at the door with a nice cold beer.

Oh, that's nice.

Or even a heavily decorated rum with a fucking sugar rim and a bastard umbrella.

I go OTT.

So today I had my face pummeled in by a seven year old.

For context, I work at an autistic school.

I start telling him how it's been a bad day and I'm quite upset.

On the cusp of bawling my eyes out, explaining how I was about to have my nose broken,

he turns around and says, have you seen this game?

Instead of telling him to fuck off and busting his nose, I ignored him.

She scours his girlfriend?

It sounds like it.

I ignored him and I'm currently sat in the bath planning my Shirley Valentine escape.

How do I deal with this?

Is that Aynon?

It's Aynon, yeah.

So she's in the bath, just had it up to her with her husband.

She's thinking about Shirley Valentine.

What do you think?

You said this to me the other day.

What?

It really upset me.

What?

Go into your messages and you can see the message that you sent me about when you played paddle.

Oh my God, that was ridiculous.

Couldn't believe it.

So for a bit of context, I had no phone.

Yeah.

So Pete went to play paddle with his mates.

Yeah.

And we planned to take the kids for breakfast at a certain time.

And he just didn't come and then text me saying, meet me here.

If not, I'll be 15.

So I was like, where are you for a start?

And so I was calling them loads and his phone was off.

So then he came back an hour late, which is fine.

It wasn't fine.

No, was it?

No, but I was joking.

That's the problem.

I was joking and said, I had like two friends with me and I was like, where the hell have you been?

And he just went ape shit at me.

And I was just like, oh my God, literally started crying.

And then you stormed off and then sent me a message saying, I'm allowed to just want to escape or something like that.

I was like, what?

I was like,

That is the word.

That is me thinking everything's fine.

And you're like, oh, every man has his escape.

I said, I'm on holiday, right?

I'm completely oblivious to this escape mode.

And what I'm saying is like, whatever you do, right?

Like if you're in a relationship, married, whatever, right?

You're like, I don't have a go at you when you're going bloody horse riding.

But like I said, she can always ride every single day of your life.

I do horse riding when you're busy.

But you don't have to always do things together.

Oh my God.

If I went horse riding when you were on your own, you'd be fuming.

I wouldn't, babe.

But I understand golf because it takes forever.

What would you do?

I went down to the bottom of our road, played paddle.

What would you do if I went horse riding and you were left on your own?

Absolutely.

I would know what to do.

You literally wouldn't know what to do.

Of course I would.

Pete.

Come on.

Come on.

Are you what?

Because I've never done it.

Of course you have.

I've never gone horse riding in a time that you're around.

Babe, let me put this on record now.

You can go to horse riding anytime you like.

Anytime.

I'd mean that.

You should be able to have your passions that you have.

I wanted to play paddle, right?

Don't bear in mind we were away for like 10 days.

I played paddle once and I played golf twice.

I don't think that is warrants being half an hour late, right?

Coming home and then getting absolutely raw that for it.

No.

That's totally wrong.

I...

You were totally wrong and you were apologising.

No.

I think you have reacted.

You have reacted.

I was joking.

I just wanted to plan.

I was joking.

You stood at the front door.

I was absolutely stuck.

With a raw on the thing as if like I was a naughty like...

Teen.

Yeah, a teen who'd come in at two in the morning and the curfew was 10.

Yeah.

It was a joke.

I was left at nine and I got back at 11.

That's two hours.

Say half 10, 11.

No, but you said you...

It's not about the paddle and you doing your thing.

It's about that we made an arrangement.

But it went to five sets.

I was so lonely.

I'm not going to say to the lads like, sorry lads, this is an amazing game, but I'm going

to cut it short.

I was starving to death.

I was starving to death.

I don't say.

You imbecile.

Pardon?

Were you mad?

I had an intense game of paddle and I was in the like the throes of it.

It was really good game.

And then in the back of my head, I'll bet she's going to kick off and I'll be like, I hope

but she doesn't because that'll be ridiculous and you did.

You're just morally incorrect.

So basically the message for the girl is you fucked?

No.

I think she's got to talk to him, hasn't she?

You know, just say it.

Do you know what I'm feeling?

I'm really underappreciated here.

Again.

You should have ran her bath.

Yeah, she's had a tough day.

Yeah, but I think she sounds like a strong woman having to deal with his shit every day.

Do you know what I mean?

The man has a bloody umbrella in a drink.

Delboy?

Apart from Delboy.

Delboy carried it off.

But do you know what I mean?

She's probably enabled him to behave like that.

Yeah.

Blame the woman.

No, no, but like, you know, he should be looking after her.

Like it's nice to be appreciated and looked after.

Well, yeah, I think.

No, because if you're a strong woman, like people automatically think you don't need

looking after because you're always a strong one and she's like, like a really, you know,

that job's quite, you know, very, very rewarding, but very testing as well.

Yeah.

And hard.

Right.

Last, last wine here.

I think this, what about Netto?

Sorry, but I'm howling at the Netto thing.

It must be a messy side thing as my fellow is from down south and he doesn't have a clue.

I remember the chance in the playground saying, let's all go to Netto where Peter buys his

best clothes.

He thinks they're very nifty and they're only 150.

Netto is the place to go.

And he shops there all day, shops all night, comes back with a bag of shite.

I remember that.

Do you remember that song?

Yeah.

Do you?

Yeah.

Love your podcast.

Wow.

Netto is catching on, isn't it?

Is it not around anymore?

I've never shopped there, Pete.

Someone sent us a picture of a Netto bag the other day.

Seriously?

And it looked in pretty good condition.

It suggests to me it's slow down.

Seriously.

Right.

Here we go.

Netto is a Danish discount supermarket operating in Denmark, Germany, Poland and Liverpool.

Is that what it says?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

To be honest, the Germans don't get it wrong or the Danes.

They definitely don't, do they?

Sailing Group returned Netto to the United Kingdom as a 50-50 joint venture with Sainsbury's.

In July 2016, the two companies announced they would end joint venture and close all

of its stores after Sainsbury's chose to focus on its main business ahead of any further

investment.

So no is the answer.

Netto.

Netto.

Netto.

Yeah, so this week's pod, right?

Last week's kind of got me thinking.

You know, we're talking about other people's lives and who would you be and, you know,

what job would you want and where would you want to go?

Got me thinking about kind of our lives and, you know, what's your dreams?

Yeah, what's next for you?

You got anything you kind of like really want to achieve in any walk of life?

Doesn't have to be work, but just is there anything you want to do?

Is there anything you want to do?

It's a hard question, isn't it?

Because I, yeah, mine might obviously my only dream when I was young was to play football.

And now I'm in a position where that's finished and I'm still finding my feet really about

where I'm going to go next.

I'm really enjoying what I'm doing now and like the things that I've done since I retired

are good fun.

And I'm doing them because they're fun, but I've got no end goal.

You know what I mean?

I've got nothing like, oh, I want to be that.

Like, I don't have that.

Whereas I was so kind of focused on one particular girl when I was young and obviously very proud

to kind of achieve that.

And now I don't really have a, I'm doing things because they come along and they look fun

and I'm in a fortunate position to be able to pick those.

I love doing this.

I love doing the podcast and I loved doing the film, which was great and I love working

on the football.

But there's no one particular place I want to be.

Like, it's the kind of, you know, I know when you were finishing, you know, coming to the

end of your career and you did all your coaching badges, you know, you must have done that

with the thought in mind that one day you would be football manager.

Well, where I am sort of at the minute, like, I don't think I'm a football manager, but

what I would like to do is eventually get to a position where you then kind of help

and kind of almost give back to the game that's given me so much.

You know what I mean?

Like just that might be coaching a local team, grassroots kind of team or coaching kind of

kids or, you know, stopping everything and just concentrating on that.

I love you to do that.

Like, because I know like our school started like that, you know, the girls football team

and I wanted you to coach it.

The problem is obviously just the time situation at the moment.

What I'm saying is like, I want to get to a position where that I take all my time back.

I sort of, when I've finished with these, what I'm doing now and just then I feel like I've

been in a position of like being able to kind of give back more.

That's something that I really have got in my mind.

Like what?

Like being a coach?

Yeah, but when I say coach, like just helping kind of maybe kids, I think helping, yeah,

definitely like young players coming through and they don't have to be elite.

The sentiment's nice here, people.

To be fair, you literally haven't played football with our boys once.

Like literally.

Well that's actually got me fucking up the wall.

I've done so many, so many jobs.

Like what?

Well, two podcasts, the football, just done the film, got frigging the book.

Like I couldn't be doing more things.

But that's not my fault.

Well, I'm not saying it's anyone's fault.

I'm just saying that I'm playing for the kids.

It's not because I haven't, you know, I'd love to, that's what I'm saying.

I'd love to be doing that.

I think it would be good for you to do something like that, that you love.

But I just haven't got the time at the moment.

That's the only thing.

This is what I'm talking about.

I need to manage the time so I can actually do that.

That would be rewarding.

Yeah.

And I'm not saying that, you know, this stuff isn't rewarding

because it's a lot of fun.

I love it.

Yeah, Pete, to be fair, we're so blessed with the kind of jobs you can do.

Yeah, I'm not moaning.

I'm just saying that that's something like on the horizon,

not like that I want to, I'd like to do.

What about you?

I think it's hard for a footballer because, well, certain, well,

I'm just talking about you because you're the only one I know,

but it's, you know, you've had your whole life planned for you, you know,

from what you eat, what time you wake up, what time you go to bed,

you know, what time you get on the bus, what time you have to be,

you've never kind of had to think for yourself.

So I think you do find that tricky kind of in life planning.

Planning's not my forte.

Egg schedules and planning and, you know, work, life balance.

I thought I'd love it, you know, being so kind of regimented my whole life.

And that, that, that, you know, you're there.

You thought you'd feel liberated and it's actually quite the opposite, isn't it?

I did the first year when I was like, right, I'm going to go there.

I'm going to do that.

I'm going to, you know, do this and sort of being my own boss.

I quite, I loved it.

And then obviously with you now, I don't.

I'd rather so much when you've got to do this today.

I do. I try.

Can you shout at me?

I literally, I'm giving you what you want.

And you throw it in my face.

I'm giving you what you want.

Tell it me where to be.

Don't you tell me what to do?

Literally, I'm like, P, I'm trying to help you.

Seriously, P, you've got to be able to do something.

You tell me where I have to be that time.

I'll do what I'm my own boss now.

Literally, that's, that is a fair comment.

Yeah, it's a fair comment.

I'm asking for someone to structure it for me and you'll structure it for me

and I'm throwing it back in your face.

Yeah.

Apologies for that.

It's okay.

What about you?

What about me?

Well, you know, obviously you've been, you've been a model.

You know, you've been, you've done some incredible things.

I actually don't like talking about myself.

Yeah, but it's what was...

Did you just laugh?

Did you both just laugh?

Yeah.

Okay.

When do I ever genuinely talk about myself in like a proud of myself or a braggy way?

Not often.

Can we say never?

Never, never.

Can we all agree with that?

Yeah, we agree.

Can you do it just for us though, and our listeners?

No, I don't want to.

What about when you were younger?

Was your goal always to be a model?

I just wanted to marry a footballer and be a gold digger.

Tick.

Tick.

Gold digger.

Tick.

Once you achieved that, where did you go from there?

Once I achieved being a gold digger,

then I started to think of other things I could possibly do.

Popstar?

Popstar.

You wanted to be a singer, didn't you?

No.

Let's be honest.

Gold digger.

But you wanted to be a singer, right?

So when I was a little girl, I wanted to be a singer, dancer, a model and an actress.

Right.

However, to be a singer, dancer, model and actress, you need confidence.

Which, again, people might not believe is something I don't possess in any...

But you must have possessed it at some stage, because you were on stage.

You know, you did as a kid.

You did.

Yeah, but I don't know about it.

I don't know how it is.

You got up, you used to record an album.

Yeah, but I think that...

Did record an album.

And I...

You stopped?

It's a good album.

It's a good album.

It's a good album.

Your voice is a joke.

Will you stop?

It's a good voice.

You've got a lovely voice.

I don't want this.

Why not?

You should be proud of the gifts that you've been given.

It's like Ariel when she has her voice taken away.

You've said this before.

Literally, it's like that.

Your voice is incredible.

You're a good singer.

I think it's...

You know, I remember going to the school,

and they had this speaker.

I think I've spoke about this before,

and they say about, you know, from babies.

You know, they're kind of...

The confident that, you know, they're not self-conscious.

And like, the older they get,

it kind of goes like this.

It's like fear as well as an assignment.

Your fear has increased.

It's fear of failure.

You know, being self-conscious.

Like babies will get up naked and dance and sing in front.

You know what I mean?

Like, they don't care.

And I should get older.

That kind of goes like that.

You just, like, you're taught that, aren't you?

Yeah, that's exactly spot on.

You are taught that.

And it's through, like, helicopter parenting.

It's through, you know, your surroundings,

what you see, what you're influenced by, blah, blah, blah.

But, you know, looking back when I was little,

I used to get up and sing.

God, I've got no idea.

Yeah, so what was your kind of ambition when you...

I wish I would have listened more when I was younger.

I was so clever in school, like, genuinely.

And I would sound stupid now,

because I'm, and that's part of the problem.

Because I didn't listen to, like, teachers

and outside influencers to, like, carry on further education

and do, like, a job, like a top job.

That's what I wish I would have done, really.

What type of job?

Like a doctor or a lawyer or...

Which one would you, of course?

Because I basically am both now,

fucking fighting with everyone every day

and diagnosing people, but I just don't get paid for it.

When you speak to doctors, they are impressed.

They're like, how the hell...

But my doctor said to me, you could get...

Why don't you go now?

And...

Why don't you?

Because I haven't got the time.

It's never too late.

Kim Kardashian, didn't she?

She had trained to be a lawyer or something?

Yeah.

Apparently so.

I don't know.

It's a very, very different...

Like, you've achieved your goals, but I haven't achieved mine.

But what are they, then?

Yeah, but it's...

Do you have them now?

Do you have an ambition now?

And it might be something ridiculous.

Yeah, I'd like to...

I'd like to do my languages.

Yeah?

You'd like to learn language?

No, improve on...

English.

No.

Improve on the basics that I've got in French and Portuguese.

Okay.

I would like to put more effort into that.

Your German was good.

We got a couple of comments on your German.

Did we?

A little bit of German.

I think it's hard for a woman,

because when you have kids, and especially a lot of them,

I kind of want you have to kind of put...

You know, your life goes on hold.

You know, if you've got a husband and kids and...

I'm not complaining, like, at all,

because, you know, I've got the best life,

and I'm so happy, and...

But your personal things are kind of on hold.

And then as you get older and stuff like that,

you kind of lose confidence to pursue things

that might have been a dream when you were younger.

I don't want you to say that.

I don't want you to, you know...

I want you to go for it.

You've got to be the best person you can be, can't you?

Well, I am the best person I can be.

I know that.

As in, I'm a good person.

That's fine.

I'm fine with that.

Yeah, but I just mean, you know,

you don't want to kind of be lying on your death bed

and be like, I didn't do this.

You know what I mean?

Is there something that you would think about like that?

If you were a vivid in that position,

would you go, I wish I had done that?

I think my nose is the cat.

I can feel hairs going in my nose.

Tickling.

We've had a whole relationship.

Sneezed a lot throughout.

You actually have.

The populous thing comes from.

Populous?

Oh, it's good.

Pollops.

She is gorgeous.

We recently hammered people...

See, fellas are cats.

Fellas are cats.

But if you were a single man,

just sitting there with a cat on your lap.

If you came in...

I don't understand what people have against cats.

They're absolutely lovely. They don't smell.

They're a bit snidey.

They're not.

They can be.

They can be snidey.

Do you think?

Yeah.

They're a bit like...

Maggie said it is very different.

She's lovely.

I think they can be kind of quite selfish.

Whereas the dogs just all like love.

Dogs are not as smart as cats, are they?

Do you think?

That's probably the problem.

If I told Maggie to sit...

She does sit.

I trained her to sit.

For that chicken thing.

If you tell them to sit and give the paw, they do it.

Yeah.

But the dogs...

You see bomb disposal dogs and mountain rescue dogs.

You don't see mountain rescue cats and mountain rescue dogs.

Bomb disposal cats.

They're not doing any of that stuff.

No.

That's true.

I think if I was like kind of falling off a cliff, Maggie would look at me and go,

Oh, for fuck's sake.

I'm going to eat my food now.

Whereas the dogs are probably...

I actually take that back about dogs.

They're so clever.

Well, they can be incredibly clever.

So can cats.

You can't really train a cat, but is that because they're strong-willed?

You can train cats.

Oh, they're trained?

The ones that you see on movies must be trained, doesn't it?

Like Salem.

Sabrina.

Or Mr. Jingle, sort of, as known as from Meet the Parents.

When he flushes the toilet.

I've always wanted a cat that would like weigh in the toilet.

Like, how good would that be?

If I came home and I walked in and the cat was on the toilet.

Occupied.

Shit myself.

I've seen them dogs who like...

You're like that as if you're like shooting them and they go,

I'd like play dead and all of that.

Yeah, I've seen that.

It's amazing.

I saw this thing.

I saw this thing the other day about this dog.

So the man put a treat on the table and said to his dog,

don't touch it.

Stay there.

So the dog, the man went out the room, the dog at the treat,

went to the cupboard, opened the cupboard, opened the bag of treats,

got another treat, brought it back, put it on the table,

and then was just sitting next to the man and we was like,

well done, Cooper.

And gave him the treat.

That is...

Wow.

Genuinely.

Genuinely.

That is insane.

I know.

It was a golden retriever.

Oh, my God.

That is flat.

Get Geoffrey on there.

Come up to your goals and ambitions.

I've had you speak a lot about your horse ride and stuff like that.

Is there anything you'd like to do with that?

Competitions or anything outside?

No, I can't compete.

Do you want to get the better though when we get to a good level?

Yeah.

Would you like to jump?

I've just got one problem with that.

What?

I don't have a horse.

There's plenty of horses out there.

When you're achieving these things...

Peter, you, for example, when you achieved,

when you were a professional footballer,

did you take time out to go,

I've achieved my life's ambition here

and like soak it in.

I just think things matter so much more when you're younger.

And then when you have kids and...

Your priorities change a little bit, do you think?

Yeah.

And then even when you achieve these certain goals,

well, I'm speaking about myself, not you,

but you kind of think,

God, is that what the fuss is about?

Without sounding ungrateful,

I just think there's so much...

I can't explain how I feel.

Well, I think once you have a family,

you realise that kind of families,

you realise families are the most important thing.

You know what I mean?

Job's your job.

Like you're health and you're happiness.

Yeah, of course, apparently.

I think you realise that when you have children, really.

But for me, when I was...

It's kind of achieved my goals.

My goal was to become a professional footballer.

I didn't know what level, but that was my goal.

And then I remember scoring for QPR and thinking,

I think I'm a professional footballer now.

Do you know what I mean?

I had a three-year contract as a professional,

but that is a professional footballer.

Well, that's what I mean.

QPR is a real team?

Yeah, of course it is.

I was a professional footballer.

But what I'm saying is, when I scored,

I was like, right, I'm going to stay at this level now.

I know I can achieve it.

So that was the...

And I remember thinking that at that moment

and going, fuck.

Do you know what I mean?

I am now a professional footballer.

And I've arrived and I feel like I'm comfortable at this level.

And I'm going to stay here.

I didn't know what I'd go on to achieve, you know,

more than that,

but I was just happy and content in that moment.

And then I just wanted to get better and better

and be the best player I could be.

But then when you're in it,

you're so driven about the next kind of thing,

the next game, the next...

You don't really take stock of what you're achieving until after.

Yeah, I read something the other day,

and it was something like...

something along the lines of kind of enjoy

what you're experiencing now

because this is what you wanted like 10 years ago

when you were a little girl or whatever.

You kind of want the next thing.

You don't ever stop and go.

Stop and take stock.

Yeah.

It's quite a shame.

That is quite a shame.

It is a shame.

You know what?

It's a shame that you can't enjoy.

I'm not saying that.

I don't feel like that,

but some people do, don't they?

Yeah.

But it's different mentalities.

Like even when we were watching the WAM documentary,

like George Michael,

and it was like when he was younger,

he was saying he wanted to compete with Madonna

and Michael Jackson.

It's like how's this like 22-year-old kid

even like putting himself in their league.

Yeah.

Like a certain mentality.

Like obviously he's like a megastar,

but what makes...

There's so many talented people.

What makes them...

That switch, that drive, that vision.

Well, that's just it with the top players that I played with.

They're different to you.

Like different people.

What I was about to say is like to some degree,

like I had it was like I'm always on to the next game.

Like I'm always like focused on the next thing.

And I think you have to have that kind of at that level.

But the top, top players,

and I'm talking like, you know,

Steven Gerrard, kind of Jamie Kerrick,

John Terry, Frank Lampard,

Michael, that kind of kind of top, top player.

Like I put myself, you know,

I mean I played in Premier League

and I played for England that,

but I'm talking like that level.

They never looked like they enjoyed it.

They never looked like they took stock

and went, that was a good win, played well today.

They enjoyed it for a bit,

but then it was like, just the focus was just like bang,

next game, next game, next game, next thing.

And I think to be top elite like that,

you have to have that kind of mentality.

But unfortunately on the flip side of that,

you don't enjoy it as much as you probably could.

Yeah.

You know?

And the best players that I ever played with

just didn't look like they ever enjoyed it

because they were so focused on and driven.

And that's what makes a top athlete.

Or a chief in general.

And I had an element.

But I did enjoy it as well.

It's a shame.

I did take stock sometimes.

But I think, do you think that stems from

you don't feel like you deserve to be there kind of thing?

No, no, I never had that.

I always felt like,

because when you're training with the players,

you get that kind of, you know, do your level.

And I felt comfortable.

I'm not saying I think that,

because when we were watching that quarterback thing

the other day, you know, one of the guys on there,

and he was like, he'd won everything.

He's like known to be like the best quarterback

in the whole world.

And he was like going through therapy

because he can only think of his mistakes

and cannot let them go.

Yeah, but that's everyone.

And he's like ruined his life.

That's in football.

That was me as well.

Like I might have scored two goals or whatever,

but I'll just be thinking about that one I missed.

Over and over and over again.

To be honest, that was like when I was on Strictly

and I won it.

Yeah, maybe you were like that.

I was so like disappointed

because my nerves held me back so much.

And I was thinking if I was doing this

at home on my own in the mirror,

I'd be like bloody Madonna right now.

Do you know what I mean?

And I just couldn't do it in front of people.

And even though I won, I think

such a shame because it was like

5% of what I could have been.

But that's a perfectionist.

That's a perfectionist.

That's being striving for perfection.

And perfection doesn't really exist as in Cumans.

But I don't think I am a perfectionist.

What like with that, you know,

because people would approach you and give you 10s,

but you know in your head

because I was too shy to do it.

You just felt because you were...

I was too shy.

I could physically do it better.

But I couldn't because I was so nervous.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

So I was just like,

oh God, this is so annoying

that I can't just go for it.

But like I had games where I'd come off

and people would say,

well, I played and all that.

And I'd know.

You know what I mean?

I'd think to myself,

I could have done this.

I could have done that.

I could have done that better.

And I think that does get you to a higher level

when you have that kind of mentality.

If you're happy

and content every week,

you're not going to get better.

You're not going to improve.

But not everyone improves

off feeling like they've done a bad job.

Some people find that difficult to overcome.

Well, I know plenty of footballers.

I know plenty of footballers that couldn't get past their nerves

or couldn't get past kind of the fear of failure.

Such good players.

You'd see them in training,

you'd be like, unreal, like as good as anyone.

And then you'd see them on a Saturday and they shrink.

They couldn't deal with that pressure.

It was only the other day I was watching football.

I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous.

We were watching the WAM documentary

and then we went into like a football thing.

And crowds, like a singer performing in front of a crowd,

it's only the same for footballers.

And you never actually...

I've never actually considered kind of being nervous

for a footballer.

Really?

You know what I mean?

I used to have uncontrollable nerves sometimes.

In the early days, I was...

And one of the best things about retiring

was not having those stomach knots.

Actually, when I think back to some of the times before games,

I'll be like, fucking like, you'd just be thinking over and over.

Some of my first few England games,

you think the whole nation's watching, you know,

it's like, don't fuck up, don't fuck up.

You know, just...

I remember I've talked about it on the football podcast.

Like, I've been one specific moment

where I'm on the coach going to Old Trafford,

thinking how many people would want to be in my position

on this England bus with David Beck and Frank Lampard.

You know, Steven Gerrard, Wade Rooney, Michael Owen,

and I'm sitting on the bus on the way to the game.

And I remember looking down into this pub

and seeing this man with his newspaper.

And I thought, because I knew I was starting as well,

and I thought, quite this particular time I'd swap with you,

I'd love to be sitting in that pub with D'Latch on

with not a care in the world.

And I'm thinking, oh, well, he would give anything to swap with me.

But in that just very stupid minute, I think,

God, he's got no problems.

And then obviously...

It's not problems, it's pressure.

Yeah, yeah, but like, he's got...

He's carefree at that time, you know what I mean?

And I'm thinking, I'm going here,

and I just... Why am I putting myself in this position?

And then obviously you overcome that,

and it's the best feeling in the world, you know what I mean?

If you play well, you come through that,

and you're like, that's why I do it, you know what I mean?

And you realise, and obviously with time,

you realise why you do it.

But that nervous energy is not nice.

You...

I've been with you for 17 years.

I have never, ever seen you nervous.

Yeah, but I would...

I would never show it.

Agony, yeah, but...

See, should have been on stage.

Yeah, do you want to sing this for us?

No, I don't. Fuck off with the singing.

Just sing it.

Will you stop?

Showcase it.

No?

Go and do me a keep you up.

You know, on holiday,

Pete and Frank Lampard, may I add,

couldn't do five sitting down keep you ups.

Oh, look, because I did about 55.

Oh, 14 you got to.

Harry, our friend's little boy,

Harry got 59 or something.

You and Frank couldn't get past,

think 14 was the highest,

both of you's couldn't do it.

I was struggling to walk straight by then.

Been a long day.

And the next day, obviously, I banged out 55.

Just so you know, just in the back,

no one else watching yet.

No one watched.

Just so you know.

I was like, am I really that shit?

I was like, no, I'm not.

All right.

You can't ever be beating Peter.

Well, I don't like it.

Not even by a 14 year old boy.

No.

They've got to earn it, haven't they?

And to be fair to him, he did earn it.

He was very, very good.

Okay.

Agni abs.

Hi, Abby and Pete.

After listening to your weekly one about Pete not practicing

or encouraging the kids with sports,

I just thought I'd email in with my experience of this.

He did perfectly.

Go on.

I'm the proud but slightly drained owner

of an 11 year old pony mad daughter

and a 13 year old son who at the moment is into boxing,

but has tried nearly every hobby going.

When my son was younger,

we signed him up to the local football team.

He seemed to have a natural talent, although never listened,

messed about and spent half his time

running up and down the pitch like a deranged Tasmanian devil.

He never wanted to go throwing tantrums

and it was a constant battle to get him out of the daughter training.

After a long winter and trying to stick it

and stick with it, my husband and I thought,

why are we doing this to ourselves?

He just doesn't want to go.

So we caved and quit.

Over the years, he tried athletics,

jujitsu, dodgeball, tennis,

but never stuck with anything.

He's a great overall at sports,

but doesn't particularly love one over another.

We are now in his second year of boxing,

which he seems to be enjoying.

At the beginning of this year,

out of the blue, he turns around and says to me,

I can't believe you let me quit football, mom.

You should have pushed me to keep going.

I know.

I could have really been good by now.

Now, what the kid lacks in concentration,

he makes up in confidence.

He obviously thought he could have been

the next Peter Crouch by now.

I couldn't actually believe it.

The complete audacity of the kid.

After all, the almighty tantrums that I endured

over and not wanting to go,

he's implying it's my fault.

Needless to say, I'm trying to contact

every under 14's club in Essex

to see if they have a development team

willing to take on a 13-year-old

who suddenly wants to train again.

God help me.

I wish I was more happy back then.

Thanks for the laughs, Lauren.

Well, Lauren, I completely understand this.

But also, you can't be more me

because I fell miserably in my family

with this.

It's so hard.

You have to enjoy it as a kid.

Because otherwise, you end up being an adult

and then going, as you said,

what a scary prospect,

like lying on your deathbed going,

I wish I would have done that.

Like, it's so bad.

Like, when I was little,

like, you had no choice, really.

Like, the kids...

They have to enjoy it.

Yeah, they have to enjoy it.

And swimming, like, Sophie is unbelievable at swimming,

but she's not going to be a swimmer.

Because she doesn't love it.

But she's so good at everything else.

Like, I just...

I don't know.

I think you should kind of spot a talent and put...

100%.

If I see kind of like, you know, a real talent.

You can have a day off today.

Like, there's no days off.

She doesn't... She doesn't enjoy it.

What about tennis? Tennis?

Yeah, I played with her every day on holiday.

I did.

And then I gave her the last few days off.

So you didn't play with her every day, then?

What, not every day?

Don't say statements that aren't true.

So I played every single morning,

like, for five mornings on the trot,

we played tennis.

That's not true.

It is true, though.

You played three times.

I didn't play, sorry.

I played with her anyway, right?

Yeah.

She needs to love it, though.

I mean, you can't...

You can't force someone to do it.

You can, because they're too young to...

Well, you can, but it's...

It's not forcing them.

It's not healthy, is it?

You know, you can...

You can think of a better way to do it.

Like, you know, we've spoke about it before.

She enjoys tennis.

Having that teacher, like,

look at the kids doing the homework,

and, like, they don't want to do it.

If you've got an amazing teacher,

like, if Jack Black was your teacher,

you'd be like, oh, my God, this is great.

It's all about the approach.

Hi, let's move on.

Hi, guys.

Okay, I've got a dilemma.

Please help.

I was dating a guy,

but for many reasons, it didn't work.

We mutually agreed to separate.

Fast forward two years.

It's been...

I've been quietly dating an amazing guy.

We've kept it quiet, and he's great.

My ex contacted me for advice

on his new toxic relationship.

We met up as friends,

and I kind of encouraged him

to do what's best for him.

Hours later,

he sends me all these love messages

and that he spoke to his girlfriend

and ended it as he loves me.

I feel guilty as hell.

I'd never get back with him.

I'm happy, and I don't know how to tell him.

I'm happily in a new relationship

and never get back with him.

Help, help, help, help, help, help, help.

Thank you.

Change your phone number

as it never speaks to him again.

Block him.

Block him.

Simple.

Yeah.

It's the coward's way out, isn't it?

That's all I'd take.

Just tell him to grow up.

Grow up.

Just text back, grow up.

It's been two years.

Grow up.

Imagine the sex.

He's sitting there.

We go, oh.

Blocked.

Thank you.

Next.

Yeah.

Tell him.

Be honest.

It sound like they got a nice relationship.

He said, I'm happy now.

You had your chance.

You blew it.

You blew it.

No, but it's hard.

Because what if you don't love someone

like in a sexual way,

but you love them as a kind of person.

How do you go?

How do I go?

Shut up.

You're my bestie.

You're my bestie.

You're my bestie.

All right.

Hi, both.

Me and my Mrs of four years

have lived together for six months now.

This morning I woke up

to find my toothbrush missing.

Four years.

Four years together.

Six months living together.

That's pretty standard.

The main thing about housemates and stuff like that,

and they just stayed over it.

You just do it on that period.

Anyway, the toothbrush has gone missing.

I asked where it had gone

and she asked me what colour it was.

There are only two of us that live in this flat

and only two toothbrushes.

She then replied to say that she had used it

to bleach the grout in the bathroom.

How do I get even?

I like this girl.

She just took his toothbrush

and grouted the bathroom.

No, she's bleached the grout.

You've never done this

and you don't know what it means.

I don't know what grout.

I thought grout was what you do,

like put it in between bricks.

No, that's mortar and cement.

Grout is what's in between tiles,

but in a bathroom they can't get dirty,

so I have bleached.

I have bleached grout

with the toothbrush myself before.

I think I've seen you do that.

So satisfying.

I do get that.

To some degree.

You should try it.

I don't know how to fuck that.

I want to try it.

I might knit your toothbrush tonight.

It's quite sick,

the old toothbrush prank, isn't it?

Yeah.

You could put hair removal,

cream and a shampoo.

I know you've said that before.

That's so weird.

Well, like I said,

when I was at football,

that's so pre-meditated.

The boys used to put DP

in my box of shorts.

That's fucking painful.

At least if you just dip

a toothbrush down the toilet,

that's not really pre-meditated,

but the effort into getting hair up,

going to buy hair removal cream,

putting it in someone's bottle of shampoo,

or whatever.

That's a bit like twisted.

You should film it and put it on TikTok.

It could blow off.

Couldn't it?

Next thing is getting brand deals.

Coming after that,

she's made up,

done her favor.

No.

I think,

like I said,

obviously the DP one,

I don't know how it works

on a female.

I don't think it'd be too good.

What kind of sensation does it give?

Well, it's so hot,

like painful.

You know what I mean?

I'm just thinking like,

at least balls are like on the outside.

Is it like getting...

There wouldn't be like an internal DP, would you?

Internal DP?

What are you talking about?

Well, obviously,

if you're kind of your vagina,

for one of a better word,

you know, kind of rubs on DP,

that's not going to be good, is it?

I've never used DP,

so I'm struggling to...

It's a football thing.

Tiger balm.

Tiger balm kind of DP.

Like VIXX?

It's like so hot though.

But more intense.

Intense.

Like when someone puts like a spoon

on the back of your hand,

after they've made a cup of tea?

What?

You put DP on like for muscular injuries,

or you know,

some people put it on like the legs

before a game,

just like if it's cold,

it burns your legs basically.

Basically, I had my balls burnt

on a regular basis

when I was getting bullied at Stoke.

Is that why your ball looks like that?

It's not a nice experience.

It's sunburn,

stick damage.

Your balls are tanned.

That's a tanned.

They are?

Well, I suppose they are, yeah.

Would you prefer a white,

more natural ball?

No, I actually don't like pale men.

No.

Okay.

Good job.

That's a good job, like David Dickinson.

Like that film,

that was out on Netflix,

and it was like the new one

everyone's raving about,

and it's like the guy in the shorts,

in the sea,

and he's like so white, he's pink.

I'm like, no, thanks.

No, not for you.

I like my gold,

gold boy.

Well, so obviously the grout on the toothbrush,

how does he get even?

I suggest the deep heat,

but I'm not sure how.

I don't think he should get even.

I think he should be grateful.

He's moved in with someone

who's house proud,

get the fuck over it,

go buy himself a new toothbrush.

Or he could stick her toothbrush

up his arse.

Yeah.

And then leave it.

See how it goes.

Winner's on top.

There you go, mate.

Job done.

That's as even as it's pretty even.

Have you ever stuck a toothbrush up your arse?

Not for a while.

That's it yet, then?

No, I haven't.

First not be mighty, please.

We talked about our kind of dreams,

ambitions, you know,

would you change things?

Enjoyable chat, I thought, today.

Deeper than usual.

Interesting.

Scratch the surface,

and I'll be fancy, I think.

Yeah.

Do you?

Feel like we're getting deeper

into what makes you tick.

You know, you've held things,

and it's good to talk.

So, guys, if you enjoyed listening to us today,

please leave a review on our Apple podcast,

because we really enjoyed it.

Yeah, we do.

It makes a difference as well.

And, yeah, get involved

on Spotify, Apple, YouTube,

review it.

Machine-generated transcript that may contain inaccuracies.