The Therapy Crouch: T’is the (birthday) season

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Hey guys, welcome to The Therapy Crouch, with me Abby Clancy.

And me Peter Crouch.

What was that just before?

Where you shouted at me and said cut, let's start again.

What do I actually do?

Because you keep saying that my voice is too posh.

Well you put on a posh accent when we do this, I don't know why.

It's actually not when we're talking like this,

but it's when you're reading when you have to read something.

But I was taught to read in a nice accent.

Okay.

At school.

How was the week?

Well I'm actually, we've actually had an amazing week.

I'm actually feel quite exhausted.

We actually, it was my best friend's birthday.

So we all went up to Liverpool, but before that,

it was obviously half term.

And we went to Cyprus with the kids first time ever in Cyprus.

And it was lovely, wasn't it?

It was really nice, yeah, obviously, you know,

it was quite funny watching Airport Ab,

you know, as we've discussed before.

Really trying our best to keep a lid on it.

And I really appreciate it.

I could see the blood is kind of boiling underneath.

So I really appreciate the fact that you didn't let it slip like too often.

It came out.

When did it come out?

A few times.

Where?

You can't even think?

Obviously, I forget quite quickly,

but there was a few times where you lost your shit.

Where we couldn't get in the lounge.

We couldn't get in the lounge because Pete forgot the code.

And I just love an airport sausage.

She loves a sausage in the airport, isn't she?

The lounge does the best like scrambled eggs, sausage,

hot hash browns.

And I was, I actually think...

I've worked out what it is though.

It's planning, isn't it?

No, I think it's because I'm hungry.

No shit yet.

Because we get upset, like we left at like 5 a.m.

Starving.

You know, get to the airport, go through check-in.

And that woman on the desk wouldn't stop talking to us.

That's doing me a din.

I just want to get into the lounge.

All the fucking sausages are going to be gone.

Yeah, you know little things like airport app.

Little app on the rampage.

The woman's like talking too much.

Being really friendly.

The guy I was talking about, Mary, where he's like...

That was like me.

But I was trying to hold it together.

I literally, I was watching it because I could see you.

The anger was right behind your eyes.

You tried your best.

I was trying to do the Wim Hof breathing technique.

Breathing technique.

Well done.

Because it was, I could see, you were radiating,

radiating kind of anger.

Can I just say something?

You have to stop with that word.

What, radiating?

Anger, it's not fair.

It's actually making me out to be an absolute Psychopath.

It's just, you're not all the time.

Just the airport is something about airports

that just send you over the edge.

Or going to an airport.

We never, ever argue in real life.

And then on this, just...

No, but this is a place...

Anger, you're just being antagonistic.

I've been so angry.

Breathe, Wim Hof.

I know another word.

That rhymes with Wim Hof.

But it's not that.

Please enlighten me.

Fuck off.

Wim Hof, Wim Hof.

Berlin.

To have had an amazing holiday with the kids.

It was nice to, we've been so busy.

It was nice to just take some time out.

And chill and have some sunshine and amazing food.

You'd be apprehensive.

I knew it was going to be nice.

It's not a place you've been.

You're outside your comfort zone.

Yeah, I think we just get so stuck in our ways of where we go.

But yeah, it was very, very nice.

And I get a bit anxious when I don't know anywhere.

Especially after Sofia being ill in Portugal and stuff.

I'm a bit like, where's Nira's house, but where's this, where's that?

I don't know.

It was absolutely amazing, the hotel.

It was gorgeous.

Yeah, we had a week there with the kids.

And then we came back.

It's actually four days.

Four days with the kids.

You know, almost a week.

And then we came back and went to your friends' party.

And I have to apologise obviously for,

or not apologise to the ladies,

but I've got more husky voice today.

What?

Apologise to the ladies.

I'm not apologising because they probably like it.

He's dropped an octave.

Dropped an octave.

It's like Batman.

Batman, I think Harvey Spector should be the next Batman.

Do you fancy Harvey Spector?

No, no, I don't.

Why do you keep saying that?

Well, you keep banging on about Harvey Spector all the time.

The guy from suits is the lawyer from suits.

You've just started suits.

And I love it.

Yeah.

I hate Mike, absolutely hate Mike.

I actually like Meghan Markle on it though, don't you?

Yeah.

I think she's nice on it.

Do we need to cut that?

Not until you said that.

You can't say the word Meghan Markle anymore.

Probably bloody card.

We're not allowed to say anything in these bloody days.

Well, you can say she was good at it.

I think I'm allowed to say that.

She's quite likable, innit?

Yeah, she was.

So yeah, the reason I've got husky voices,

we went to the party and I got, you know,

well, I'm just obliterated.

I was gonna say a few beverages.

I had a few too many.

I'll just tell you straight.

I feel like we're on board with listeners,

we can say, be honest.

Yeah, well, it was my best.

I actually obliterated my voices.

It was my best friend's birthday.

And we actually don't get up to Liverpool that much.

Because everyone comes here and all my family live here.

So it was just nice to see all our friends

that we've known for years, all in the same place.

Everyone was on top form.

Kaz looked incredible, like insane.

And we just had the best night, didn't we?

Yeah.

We're paying for it now.

Lot of fun.

But, you know, actually, I felt fine yesterday.

So I thought, oh, just for some reason,

my voice has decided to desert me a little bit.

But it's all good.

I'm here for you, you know?

Ideal for a podcast?

Yeah.

Wow.

It's life, innit?

You know?

That's mine.

Because I was just, you know,

we had like the few days with the kids

and then we left them with my mum while we went to the party

and then I was feeling like guilty about leaving them.

And I was thinking,

are we too old to be going to parties now?

And then I was listening to Simply Red

and I've got a quote that I'm gonna live by.

Oh, really?

There's nothing wrong with the way we're carrying on.

So enjoy and live.

Thanks.

How was that?

Yeah.

There's nothing wrong with the way you're carrying on.

So enjoy and live.

So yeah.

So I'm just thinking,

my new motto is just live your life

and don't beat yourself up for it.

Yeah, I agree with that.

Apart from some of the wines that I've got.

Oh, Gott.

Live and let live, apart from new wines.

I actually haven't got a wine.

You haven't?

No.

I'll think of one while you're moaning up.

What you usually do is you say you don't have a wine.

I'll say mine, you'll take over mine

and give your own

and then come out with two or three after

on the back of the back of that.

Do you know what I'd like to do

instead of the wine?

I'd like to have like,

name five reasons why you're actually with me

because I actually don't know why you are.

You said at the start of this podcast

when we announced this to the world

that we would, this is a safe space

to get things off our chest.

We all know that I love you.

You know I love you.

There's millions of reasons I could give

on this podcast why I love you.

But there's a few things and what's good about us.

Why I love you.

Kind, beautiful, loving,

great with the children, funny.

There's five.

They're so generic.

What beautiful, what funny, intelligent.

What good with the kids,

what friendly, loyal.

There's millions of them.

Maybe you should think of that

before you sit down.

The segment of the show is called Weekly Wine Club.

Do you want me to just play you compliments

in the wine club?

Yeah.

Go on.

No me, go on with your wine.

I just wrote one down, just a minute ago actually.

And it was Lib's homework.

I came through the door right and she went,

one of the funniest things we've ever had.

She just came in and I could see

Abby doing homework.

And Lib ran to me

giving me a big hug and I just saw Abby

look up from there like as if she

wanted to kill someone.

And Lib just went to me, don't let me do

all the homework with mum please.

She's got anger issues.

Well yeah, of course.

I've got fucking anger issues when it's like two at two

and she's saying 24.

Like, it's ridiculous.

So my wine is,

you need to just relax with the time work.

They're learning.

They don't want to learn like that.

Do you know what?

Do you understand yourself in guys?

I think Abby's got a new wine.

I'm going to cut all humour

out of this podcast now.

And be completely serious.

It's important to me

that the kids do the homework

and they know how to do the methods.

And you actually do nothing

with regards to it.

You've actually really struck up,

I'm not even joking how angry I am

at you right now.

Your eyes twitching.

It is.

It's not twitching.

I know you're really angry, I couldn't see it.

Because it's important to me,

that our kids are the only ones who don't do it.

Shouting at the kids.

I'm not shouting at them, Pete.

Saying sit down under your homework

is not a bad thing.

You promised me last week

that we could have a rule.

I'm sure we said on the podcast

that we would come in

and do our work.

And our John even looked at the optimum time.

He googled the optimum time

when to do the homework.

It's before dinner, straight from home.

That's what I said.

There's no iPads before school.

It's today.

No iPads before school.

There's no iPads.

And so you've done your homework.

You did do the homework

because you gave her a mobile phone

to settle.

I didn't come home.

I didn't come home until after homework.

No, she had done three questions.

But the difference is,

I am not going to tell her the answers.

I'm not going to tell her the answers.

I will explain how to do it,

but I'm not going to tell her the answers.

I feel like I'm doing my homework now

and you're shouting at me.

And you'd get nothing out of me.

This is what I'm saying.

I would not work well

under those conditions.

I said, in our house,

I said, okay,

if it's going to cause so much trouble in the house,

homework and swimming lessons, whatever,

you take over everything.

And you just don't do it.

I don't get it.

I've never got it.

Why don't you keep them in school longer?

I'm just doing another lesson.

So I've got an audience wine here.

I have a big wine this week.

Why does my husband

never stay on task?

We were prepping for our son's second birthday.

It doesn't take the day off before

to help tide of the garden,

fetch, carry and help entirely the place up.

He agrees,

but wakes up that day

and decides this is the time

to fix the outdoor tap

that's been leaking for over a year.

Then decides we need a new hose.

Two trips to be in queue

and after buying a kingtoes

and a wrong tap,

it's mid-afternoon

and he's done nothing

on the original list.

Can we please just stay on task

and non-path Australia?

Stay on task.

This is something that you do.

How often?

When I ask you to sign

like you found mail or something.

The worst thing is your phone

because I go into my phone to do things

and then a million emails or messages

and you forget you're even on the phone

in the first place.

Sometimes you go upstairs

and you go,

why am I even up here?

I don't even know.

I go okay upstairs

and I'm like,

I should go to the toilet and come back down.

I knew it wasn't for that.

I wish I remembered.

No, I'm quite good at staying on task.

I like to get things.

We use multitasking.

I think it's quite often men

get a lot of grief

not being able to do that.

Yeah.

And I'll make it true, really.

I think it is.

That could be my wine, actually.

I've just thought of one.

Pete gets his fan mail.

So I always make him sign it

and then give it to him to post.

There's a postbox on our road.

So he was leaving the house

and I give it to him in the car

because he said,

can you post this

because you drive past the postbox

and he didn't

and then came home

and brought them into the house

and they've been

on the side next to the front door

for a month.

Yeah.

What was so annoying

was I was adamant

because when it was in the back of the car,

she said, don't leave them in the car.

And I said,

so I made a mental note

and I went,

I'm going to post these

just to show her.

And then I came back

and brought them into the house.

You actually didn't bring them

into the house, by the way.

Someone else.

I did,

because you're just on the seat.

Yeah.

Your poor fans.

Yeah, it was silly.

But I've signed them all.

They're all good to go.

She's got to post them.

What happens with all your fan mail up?

I don't get any fan mail.

You do?

No.

That really surprises me.

No.

So I just feel like

being on task and all that,

I do think that does happen.

But it's easily done.

It's like when I send you to the M,

we're having a barbecue.

And we had like 20,

20 friends here.

And I sent Pete to the butchers

to get the meat.

And he came back with three sausages,

two chicken fillets,

and like four burgers.

And I was like, Pete,

that wouldn't even feed our kids,

you know, got four kids.

And he went mental at me,

like threw the whole bag of meat at me.

He walked out and slammed the door.

And the door slammed so hard.

It slammed locked.

Me and Chloe were stuck in the kitchen.

And he went back to the butchers

and like bought the whole butchers,

and you out of spite.

Ah, cause the thing is,

it's like, I got to the shop.

What were you thinking?

And then when you came home

with that amount of food?

You always say to me,

I buy too much every time.

So I thought, I'll try and get this right.

Obviously wrong.

But it's everything I do.

So if I go to any shop,

it's like, whatever I buy,

it's wrong every time, right?

I'll go, I'll get everything on the list.

No, you'd never get anything on the list.

You'd never get anything on the list.

Yeah, but there's always something,

like not there.

So I'll go rogue and buy something

that I think we should buy.

Oh, I haven't forbid.

Don't ever mind of your own.

Don't buy wild boar sausages or avidic.

Wild boar sausages.

What's he doing there?

Going into the butchers,

he's like the butchers

that have the most incredible meat.

I'm like, oh, what do you get, babe?

Wild boar sausage.

What if I like wild boar sausages?

Would you eat a wild boar?

Wild boar sausages are fantastic.

You've never had one?

I have.

You haven't?

I have.

When?

I cook them on my own and you're not in.

I sit there with my boar sausage.

Where have you eaten wild boar?

No, they are nice.

You can't have them.

I've had them in restaurants.

Did you do them in Christmas markets as well?

In Vegas.

Lovely.

But anyway,

there was one particular time where

I bought these wild boar sausages.

It was when she was pregnant.

The pregnant app is very similar to airport apps.

No, but I was laughing as well.

You weren't laughing.

No, you were meant to have been.

Oh fuck that.

Through the sausages.

Literally,

I want to say toys,

it was sausages, stuff or whatever.

Do you know what?

I actually think that you could be

potentially a little bit of a spoiled brat.

Really?

No, because you pushed me to the complete, to the limit.

There's two instances of me losing it, right?

Very rare that is.

You pushed me to the absolute limit.

That was one of those times.

But you pushed me?

Well, you had most days, every day.

No, because I was trying,

when we were doing the bar,

I was doing like a,

that was your only job.

And I don't know everything else.

But it was a great barbecue.

It was a good barbecue, yeah.

It was a good one.

Excellent.

All right.

Hello, absolutely love your pod.

Abby is the wittiest, lucky P.

My wife, after almost eight years together,

two kids,

my partner doesn't seem interested

when I'm walking around the house naked.

Despite being a gym fanatic

and feeling mostly confident in my body,

is it over for us in that department?

I don't think,

people, girls are different to men.

Why?

Well, you know why.

Well, there's lots of reasons why,

but what are the reasons you're thinking of?

Like, do you think it's worrying if a man

is not looking at the girl when she's naked?

I do, yeah.

What does that mean?

I know I'm incredibly lucky,

having a girl like you.

But I do,

why are you looking at her?

I mean her.

Okay.

But you should always, I think,

be attracted.

If you're naked,

I think you should take note of that.

You say what?

You should take, like, acknowledge that.

I don't think you look at me when I'm naked though.

Of course I do.

The only time you look at me

is when I put makeup on.

Yeah, but that's the only time you're naked, really.

Come to bed with a fleece-dressing gown on.

I like my fleece-dressing gown, it's not like it.

I love it as well, too.

I don't know, it's like my blankie.

Yeah, you feel good in it.

I know I look horrific in it,

but I just like it.

I put it on over my clothes now.

We've got a load of these one-liners,

you know the one-liners where we chat up lines

basically.

I think we need to help them,

although is it over for us?

Is it over?

No, not at all.

No, they're happy.

They've been together eight years,

they've got two kids, it's not over.

Maybe just say,

like, you know what,

I've walked past you naked a few times

and now it's like you just don't even look.

What's going on?

See, that's okay to say, isn't it?

I don't know,

but that's quite a vulnerable thing to say.

Is it?

To be honest about that?

After eight years and two kids,

you can be vulnerable to your partner.

Yeah, you can be honest, I think.

Just say, you know what,

nine times out of ten in this situation,

I think, you'll say, you're mad.

It's God, I don't want you to feel like that.

Don't be like that.

I don't really reassure her

and she'll feel much better.

Yeah, I hope so.

I think to be honest

and just talk,

have a weekly wine,

sit down and say we'll have a wine.

And that could be her one.

Naked.

Have a naked one.

Sit down.

Have a naked wine.

Sit down, completely naked.

And see what he says then.

But that's not good

for anyone's confidence

if people aren't taking note.

Yeah, but you know,

that we're trying to address it.

Hopefully that's helped.

Because men pay for women

who are fully clothed

when you drive and pass them in the car,

so you're not getting paid

if you're wrapped up by your own hospital

when you're naked.

That would make you feel insecure.

Yeah, I get it.

I get it.

So we've got a load of these audience one-liners.

What do you think?

I'm a big fan of these.

Some good ones, you know.

Okay, go on.

Hey, ABBP.

I trust you both well.

The best one-liner that I've ever used

and have 100% success rate is this.

Approach the target with a full pint.

Then say, hold my pint,

I'm going for a shit.

If she's still there when you get back,

you know she wants to give you,

she wants you to give her the concurs.

If she's gone,

of course she's a pint.

Hold my pint and go for a shit.

Can you imagine?

I'm surprised, isn't it?

Seriously, if someone come over to you

and went, hold my pint,

I'm going for a shit.

What would you actually say to that?

I think I'd probably hold it

because I'd be that shocked.

I'd be like, I'd be like,

did that just happen?

It's just real.

But then when he came back,

you're still holding it

and he goes off.

I thought, I need to wait.

What would you say then?

No, because if he's going to be so vulgar

and that when he doesn't even know her,

imagine what he's going to be like at home.

He said 100% success rate.

Absolut slob.

I'd like to see where that is.

You might be really fit.

I don't care if you're fligging to Caprio.

You can't be doing that, surely.

I reckon a lot of girls would hold the pint

while Leonardo went for a shit.

Well, that's just fucking

more full than that.

That's embarrassing.

I think it's worse if you're better looking.

If you were like a bit of a,

I don't know, slob or something.

It's more on brand.

If you're like someone dead hot,

I'm going for a shit.

You'd be like,

do you know what I mean?

See, I think the opposite.

Were you into this?

Are you into this?

Is this working on you?

What do I mean?

I think it's less repulsive,

someone good looking going for a shit

than someone not so.

If someone hot comes up to you,

and goes hold my pint,

I'm going for a shit.

Are you telling me that that would half work?

No, you said,

I don't care if Leonardo to Caprio,

does it?

And I said,

I bet you there'd be a million girls

who'd hold his pint while he went for it.

I'm asking you,

would you hold his pint?

Leonardo's?

If he came up to you,

would you hold his pint?

No.

Absolutely not.

You're lying.

I'd hold his martini.

He's like that.

Gatsby.

Whilst he goes to the toilet.

No.

Stop trying to put words into my mouth.

You've shown your true colours here.

Babe,

you can't ever go at me

thinking Leonardo to Caprio's good luck.

I didn't say that.

Did I?

I said would you hold his pint

if he went for a shit?

Absolutely not.

And you are lying.

How long are you going to be?

How long?

Snap it off.

Nippet.

God.

Oh my God,

let's move on.

We're lowering the time there.

Auf der Suche nach dem Perfekten Match.

Eigentlich brauche ich nur ein Shop-System,

um meine Produkte online zu verkaufen.

Mit Shopify kannst du einen Online-Shop erstellen

und gestalten

und hast die volle Kontrolle über dein Geschäft.

Ja, den Perfekten Match gibt es.

Tests des Shopify kostenlos

auf shopify.de.schradio.

Bereits 10.000 deutsche Unternehmen

haben sich dafür entschieden.

Gemacht für Deutschland.

Powered by Shopify.

Always.

Your eyes are like spanners.

Every time I see you,

my nuts tighten.

Your eyes are like...

That is unreal.

So, we've had a busy week of birthdays.

It's my mom's birthday,

then Liberty's birthday,

then Kazza's birthday.

And then it was Jack's birthday,

but we've had a busy week of birthdays.

And then it was Jack's birthday,

but we haven't told him it's his birthday yet.

We're going to do it on Saturday, aren't we?

Yeah, I don't know.

Maybe we should get the listeners' thoughts on this.

Like, is it okay,

you know, when your baby's three, turning four,

to just not tell him it's his birthday on that day

and make it a more convenient day?

Does he know when his birthday is,

if you were to ask him?

Yeah.

Yeah, but he doesn't know.

He hasn't learnt months in school yet.

He just doesn't listen in school.

No, he knows when you ask him

what his birthday date is,

he knows it's the third of June,

but he doesn't know.

We were away.

Yesterday it was the third of June.

Yeah.

Because I didn't,

I couldn't miss Kazza's birthday,

because she's my best long time,

my lifelong friend.

Well.

Just the kid over the bed.

Kids children come and go.

We've got four of them.

No.

She's only got one best mate.

No, that's Andrew.

It was Kazza's fiftieth,

which is going to kill me for saying on her.

But it's been planned for so long.

It wasn't just that, was it?

It was like we'd been away.

Just we flew,

we were flying home on his birthday day

and then going to Liverpool the next day.

And we've got a real big party planned for him.

Yeah.

We've got a,

because he's actually never had a birthday party,

because his first two birthdays are in lockdown.

And then last year I planned a party outside

and it was torrential rain

and thunder and lightning,

so we cancelled the party.

So I'm really excited

to do his birthday two weeks later.

You've gone to town now, haven't you, this time?

Yeah.

What, you having dinosaurs or?

I've got two transformers,

two 12-foot transformers and a T-Rex.

Nice.

Epic.

Yeah, it's cool.

Quite excited.

But that's my thing, isn't it?

Birthday parties.

Yeah.

You've always just been into it.

We've heard honestly,

like we have pizza vans,

gin vans,

rigging,

we've had,

come on,

there's like a ferris wheel in the garden.

Animals,

Zoos, Llamas, Ponys.

Yeah.

You know,

she goes to town.

But it's great.

You know, it's good,

because it's fun for everyone.

I just love seeing everyone's faces

when you throw in a Mason party.

It's like,

it's,

it's like,

I don't know,

it just makes me happy

for everyone else being happy.

Yeah, it's good.

And like,

you know, it's good,

we always have like a few drinks

for the parents and that's,

it's tough to get rid of them

because it's a good,

it's a good day all around really.

Sohaulparty,

thereafter.

Hm.

is good game

,

Jan.

refuge

Me, Johnny and Peter all in January and it's absolutely rubbish, it's like, we get left over, well I get left over Christmas presents from people or not even a present at all, what?

I get left over Christmas.

Get me now, no I was used to give me like a present, like.

Well who's talking about me, getting shit presents again.

Ach, not everything's a dig at you, please stop.

You're talking to me, so I just assumed it was about me.

No.

Okay, you're talking about when you were younger.

Yeah.

Okay.

When I used to get presents.

No joking.

No, um, yeah, in January is rubbish, everyone's doing dry Jan.

They don't want to go out.

Weather's awful.

Yeah, dry Jan, things killed birthdays.

Me and I be like, let's go.

And then everyone's not drinking.

No.

We don't have to drink to have a good time.

No, you're right.

Um, what else?

Have you ever thought of throwing one later on in the year?

Post-boning.

My mum always threatens to do that.

I think you never do it.

We didn't do an engagement party, did we?

We said we were going to do that when we got engaged.

We got engaged and we were abroad on our own.

And then to come back we're going to do a party.

I just think if you don't do it there and then you're not going to do it.

The time passes.

It does.

Yeah, you forget.

It was your birthday.

And it's like a wife and a birthday in June.

The Queen does that, I think.

Did she?

I did do.

I'm sure she did.

She has two birthdays.

She has an actual birthday.

And then the second birthday in the summer.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, like the correlation day, I think.

No, no, no.

It's an official day.

That's been going since King George

because the weather was always rubbish around his birthday.

Really?

I think, I think.

That's good knowledge, if that's true.

I knew that.

I didn't know that.

Yeah.

Good.

Mmh.

That's on you every day, don't you?

Every day's a skill day.

Yeah.

Brilliant.

No, I am.

I love throwing parties and it's...

Libs got a pamper party on Saturday,

which will be nice.

Got a few other friends come around

and they're doing face masks and doing their hair and...

What was your favourite,

what was your favourite part of your birthday?

Yeah, my 21st, which was a surprise,

which I actually planned.

I was really proud of this.

I planned it with Holly, a best mate.

Just thought this is going to be epic.

Walked in and had a big surprise.

I found that a couple of weeks later,

that she'd planned the whole thing with Holly.

So every bit of information I was getting off Holly

was coming straight from that.

The worst thing is about that party,

like looking back at all the pictures,

I remember Kaz's friend got me in the toilet

and was like, oh, you need to put some make-up on

and put this orange highlighter all over my face

and I just didn't even look in the mirror

and every picture was just luminous.

Bright orange.

Bright orange, but shiny.

So funny.

That was an amazing party there.

It was good for that.

What did you do?

Richard said docks and limps,

was it baby blue or baby cream?

Millions of balloons.

Millions of balloons.

Yeah, we had that way, didn't we?

It was good fun.

We had a great Gatsby party, didn't we?

For your 30th?

That was a good one, wasn't it?

God, even that seems like a million years ago.

Kaz, everyone dressed up, though.

It was good.

Yeah, we all got dressed up

and then at the most amazing party

and then everyone came in, like fair coats

and someone nicked all of them, didn't they?

Do you remember?

I went back to look at the CCTV.

Yeah, everyone put all the coats into there.

And they all got robbed.

Did you find out it was?

No.

I went in there to look at the CCTV,

but I couldn't find out.

I was just proud of why I didn't get very far.

I was looking at the CCTV and I was like,

little things are happening in the night.

I was like, could you just play this one for me?

I was supposed to be looking for the coat,

but it was one of them, one of them.

It was like rapping and we were all bouncing off and down.

But you know, when there's no music,

it's just CCTV footage.

I love CCTV.

So funny.

It was just brilliant watching it.

I was having a great time in there.

I didn't find the coat, unfortunately.

You had a good party before, didn't you?

Nah, the 40th was amazing.

I did a video for me,

of all the players that I played with

and people, friends,

and put it all together.

It was great, wasn't it? So nice.

Ed Sheeran wrote you a song.

Ed Sheeran wrote me a song, yeah.

It was amazing, really. Harry Reddap, Steven Gerrard.

Was Sven on there?

David Beckham, Sven,

Harry,

yeah, Rio,

loads of big names,

and my friends as well.

Yeah, obviously Ed doing the song as well,

was unbelievable.

Can you remember all the songers?

Yeah, I don't think it's a public transmission.

Our John wrote you a song.

It was just a laugh for me.

The song our John wrote you was well better than Ed's.

Yeah.

Well better.

That was good.

That was amazing.

We did like a James Bond theme

and I had a red carpet.

Do you remember red carpet all that time?

Casino table?

Yeah, it felt like a premiere,

because when you put that on,

it was like a Dickie pose.

It felt like I was like bringing out a new movie.

It was brilliant.

What's the next big birthday coming up then,

on the horizon?

The next big one's absolute.

The only thing I want for my birthday

is

simply red to sing

at my party.

Fuckin' Buck Bono now.

Shit.

I'll have to cancel.

Bono's dead to me.

I'll have to cancel one.

You know,

you could get an

an impersonator.

Simply red impersonator.

Like a top, top Notch on.

Dick Hucknell.

Dick Hucknell.

Simply Rouge.

Dick Hucknell.

Dick Hucknell in the Simply Rouge Band.

I'd like a big party for my...

Yeah, listen,

you're going to have a big party for your 40's, don't you worry.

I think we should go away though.

Yeah.

Do you know what I hate about this podcast?

The way my aspirations

get shot down so quickly.

What is the point in going through life

without having a big dream?

Because they do happen.

They do happen.

So, simply red for your 40's.

Simply red?

Abroad.

Simple aspirations in life

should have goals.

I'm not saying it's going to happen,

but you can say it what I want.

Okay, alright.

I mean it, you know.

But much of it said, I'd just like to go...

I'd love that. I'd absolutely love that.

What?

I'd just like to go to the locals and have a few beers.

I would enjoy that.

I would enjoy that if you said that.

But that's what we will do, realistically.

As if, babe.

We will?

All of our big birthday.

We probably would go.

We go to our local for our 40's.

We go to the kitchen.

Our kitchen party.

For some of the best parties you've ever had.

I'm not complaining.

Make sure you roll me rug up.

Make sure you roll me rug up.

What about kids parties?

Do you have to attend a lot of kids parties?

Now that you've got four...

I'm literally in a kids party every week.

Do you take it in turns?

Yeah, we do.

We just do everything round.

Of course, I have the football on a Saturday.

I can't go.

I actually went to the last one.

It was quite nice, actually.

We were inside for a bit.

The kids were playing games.

And then outside.

We had a few beers and it was quite a sunny day on the lake.

We had two parties on the same day.

And I picked the right one, I think.

You're the man, isn't you?

I went to the indoor play.

In some leisure centre.

Yeah, mine was quite nice.

All outdoors.

But you're quite limited.

With the little ones where you can have the parties.

Especially early on in the year when the weather is rubbish.

I hope it doesn't rain for Jack's party.

Yeah, that's the thing.

It rained last year.

Thunder and lightning.

It rained last year.

Trying to plan things in this country.

Because you just don't know.

It could be Red Hot Day 4 and Pistale.

That's the problem, isn't it?

Because we've got a nice garden.

It's nice to have the party in the garden.

How many kids have you got invited round?

22.

22 kids.

And you're not even going to be here?

Oh, not now.

22 kids.

And we'll be 22 adults.

And there's a few extras.

Because they're all babies.

So they can't get left.

No, of course.

Jack said no, he doesn't want any girls to come.

Really, yeah.

Going through that stage.

He's like,

I don't want girls at my party.

It's a boys' party.

It's so funny.

It's so different to the two boys.

You know, Johnny's the best mate to go.

Yeah.

And he's like a lanty, like

transformer dinosaur boy.

Me and Pete went to

my brother's girlfriend's party.

And it was this

Mexican restaurant

in

where were we?

In

what was it called?

So it was like a two hour car journey

for us.

So we literally

just got absolutely hammered

in the car, at a party.

Me and Pete in the car.

We read on full blast.

Literally.

We did though.

Full blast.

It wasn't just simply

there was loads of that

era, kind of 90's

cheese.

Radio mix.

So we turned up to the party

hot.

Rolled out the cab.

Rolling, coming in hot.

But it was amazing.

It was such a great night.

When we turned up, it was like

we were at the wrong place.

Everywhere we were all shut up

in the hell are we.

And then we went downstairs

and it was like being transported to Mexico.

Everyone was dancing.

Food was amazing.

Video evidence of you.

Dancing to Justin Timberlake.

With your top

unbuttoned to the waist.

That's why I love it all with that.

I could pretty loose myself that evening.

Cut some rock myself.

You were just in the DJ booth

the whole night.

You were in the DJ booth

with headphones on.

It was a good night.

We haven't had a night out

for ages where everyone just dances

all night.

We said a couple of days before that as well.

We haven't been out

where you've just had a proper dance

and that.

It's good fun isn't it?

Sometimes it's just

too cool to sit down

and having a few bit.

And having a few shapes.

Like a right knob.

Do you look like a knob?

No.

It's good fun sometimes.

I don't think there's anything knobbish about that.

Saying you want to go out and dance.

It's the whole reason why you go out.

Yeah.

It wasn't that kind of music in there.

I've got a few agony abs.

Do you want me to read you this first one?

Yeah.

Hi Abby and Pete. Love the podcast.

It's the first episode. Look forward to the new Epps

every Tuesday.

So first of all, big world done to both of you.

My agony ab relates to my wife.

She's absolutely the best wife I could have ever dreamed of.

And the most incredible mother to our little boy.

And yet...

Am I sent in a boat here?

It's not a but, it's a yet.

And yet she frequently accuses me

of not listening when she tells me about

upcoming events, social plans

and general household admin.

However, I'm totally convinced

that she regularly fails to tell me

at least 50% of these updates.

And it therefore makes it hard to remember

stuff that I haven't ever been told.

Any tips or advice to dealing

with this differing of opinions, greatly appreciated.

PS, she also loads the dishwasher

like a total lunatic.

With no regard for logic or practicality.

But I don't think it's a cure for that.

Dave from London.

Any thoughts?

I've got a few thoughts.

I'm glad you came to me first on that.

Yeah, I think...

I'm convinced that you don't tell me all the time.

I reckon it's slightly higher than that.

I reckon you tell me 90% of the time.

The dishwasher thing, I don't know.

You think I tell you 90% of the information?

I think there's times where you've failed to tell me

and then they go at me for not remembering.

When I know you haven't told me.

But there's most of the time you've told me.

I think there's times where you've failed to tell me

and then they go at me for not remembering.

But there's most of the time you've told me

and I have forgotten it.

What's going to work?

What's going to work?

We're helping Dave here.

I'm trying.

What is going to work?

If I tell you...

If I tell you or Dave

and you don't remember

if we put it in our synced diary

so it's visual

and you don't remember.

We have a group

on our phones called

School Info

and also PA Stuff.

It gets put on there too

and you still forget.

What more could I do?

Except for tattoo on my fucking head.

Well Dave, I hope we've helped you there.

We're trying to help Dave.

The reason you're having a go at me

is because Dave,

you've hit the nail on the head here

but this is a problem me and I have.

You'll say things to me and I'll forget them.

I'll try and do better at that.

I really will.

But he's saying...

I'll just say that's not a way to get out of it.

You can't just say that.

I'll try and do better.

Yeah, because that's basically saying

I'm going to end this conversation right here.

Because you don't mean it.

You just go okay, I'm going to do better at that.

So then there's nothing else to say.

My problem with this is

when there's so much information

you can forget sometimes.

But why do I have to be in charge of information?

You don't have to be in charge of information.

And then get told off about it.

Why can't you tell me?

What's going on?

Well, I don't...

I don't think you need to be...

I don't think you need to process that much information.

You don't need all that information.

What I'm saying?

50% of that information,

which is what Dave's saying

is probably stuff I need to know.

The other 50.

It's probably dribble.

Are you drunk or something today?

Yeah, that'd be upset.

Come on.

I was only joking with that by the way.

Was ist das für dich?

Wenn ich von allen...

Wenn ich von allen Organisationen in der Haus stechen würde,

mit allen Planeten,

Kinderdialen, YOUR Diary,

meine Diary,

Homework,

Foods,

dass ich jede Nacht mache, die niemand essen würde.

Wenn ich von alles stechen würde,

und dass ich nichts mache,

und dann niemand abmohnen kann,

und alles schalten würde,

dann würde ich nichts machen.

Wann bin ich?

Wann bin ich im Bett?

Das ist nicht das.

Ich glaube,

ich glaube, Dave sollte sich ein schönes Notpad kaufen.

Ein schönes Kalender.

Ich kann nicht glauben,

dass es nur bis zwei Jahre ago

ich die Kalender an meinem Telefon startete.

Ich kann nicht glauben,

dass ich das nicht mehr habe.

Das ist so eine bessere Zeit.

Es war so.

Es war so.

Ich habe keine Ahnung, was ich heute mache.

Oh, mein Leben.

Ich habe das Leben wieder.

Du kannst es haben.

Das ist eine tolle Leben.

Ich brauche das jetzt,

aber es ist eine Nacht.

imagine,

dass jemand zu dir sagt,

du musst keine Kalender haben.

Du hattest ein walk-in-Kalender.

Du hattest ein Mensch,

erzählst dir was zu tun,

wenn du ein Fußballer bist.

Ja, ich habe einfach eine Melange,

um dich zu erzählen.

Aber es war heute Abend.

Ich wusste, was wir auf dem Wochenende haben.

Das war ein startes Jahr.

Und ich habe es übernimmt.

Wir haben es nächste Woche.

Ich google es.

Gute Zeit.

Es ist nicht gut,

es ist nicht lustig.

Es ist nicht lustig.

Nein, es ist nicht lustig.

Du willst das?

Ist es okay?

Ja, hi Abby und Pete.

Mein eigenes Ab ist mein guter Freund, Sam.

Er ist schön, aber er kann nicht sein Guinness.

Oder sein eigenes Arsch.

Um das Bild zu schicken,

wir waren mit einigen neuen Freunden,

und als wir nach Hause waren,

konnte ich mich damit woher gespürt sein,

das zu Ensuite,

selbst palate und Trropathie zu werden,

wir haben unten auf Pizzeres observaten truc reguliert,

einen R Sponge

und einen?.

Mein eigenes Arsch.

dass er nicht mit den Doktoren gehen wird.

Ich habe eine Plattform, die ich wissen, zu hören,

um some professional help,

because I cannot face any more explosions.

Also, we both love the pod

and hope we can all laugh at poor Sam.

Ellie.

Go anything to say on this matter?

I'm saying no comment.

Can we just say no comment?

I once thought Pete was having an affair.

There was an incident

in a hotel in London

involving me.

So I know how you feel, Sam.

I'm Guinness.

I was Guinness as well.

We should move on.

No, but I think if you haven't

recurring explosions,

you should go to the doctor.

Well, if it's recurring, yeah, definitely.

Definitely.

See, that makes me worry.

That's happening to him all the time.

Boys do find it hard to

go to the doctors.

No, to, like, not prove themselves.

Like, every boy I know

has had an accident.

I thought he'd been there.

You have, you have, you have.

Yeah.

So weird.

I don't know what it is.

Are you telling me, do you know

not know any female mates

who had accidents?

Definitely not.

Not for my accidents.

Not back for my accidents.

Maybe, like, a front bum one

if you, like,

laugh, sneeze and have a wee at the same time.

No?

Definitely not.

Weird one, isn't it?

I don't know.

She's saying he won't go to the doctor.

So it's obviously something concerning.

And if he listens to his pod,

I'd have to say, Sam,

go and maybe go to the doctor.

You know, if it's a recurrent thing.

Yeah, I would.

Might need to just go and have a little check-up.

Yes, it's treatable as well, isn't it?

Buscarpan, sort of.

Buscarpan.

Buscarpan.

Maybe lay off thinking this a bit as well.

Hi, both.

Can we talk about the missed photos,

the missed meals and conversations

that mum seemed to get.

Socialising with friends is lovely,

but I spend my time with the kids

at the kids table

while my husband does the best time ever.

We went out for a meal the other week

and both girls under four wanted to sit on me.

I'm eating around them,

struggling to get a sip of my own drink.

And while everyone else is getting ready to leave,

my husband said,

should we stay and have another drink?

We don't do this very often.

The rage I felt.

I quietly said, oh,

has this been enjoyable for you, has it?

As I'm sat here being used as a fucking climbing frame

with food down my dress and in my hair.

I do this every day, normally at home.

Why would I want to do it any longer in public?

Is this just my experience?

The photo thing is another scenario.

Nobody ever takes photos of me with the girls.

I capture all the lovely moments with other people

and yet I have nothing but the selfies I take with them.

Why is this?

Tori.

I think that's a parent thing in general, to be honest.

Like when you're out, we're quite good at...

Me holding them.

What would you say to Tori?

I haven't got any pictures with the kids.

Because I take them all.

I'm not an any, am I?

You are?

Well, on my phone, I haven't got any pictures with the kids.

Like all my pictures are with

like Pete and the kids or just the kids on their own.

You said the other day,

like the only one picture you've got.

This is when we went to Virginia Water the other day.

It's like that.

The whole family.

Yeah, that's like with the dog included and all that.

It's hard to get four children lined up,

me, you and the dog.

It's impossible to get that in.

It's a big family, isn't it?

But I've got loads of yous.

But what about like at meals and stuff like that?

Like the thing is, sometimes the babies do want to sit on you, don't they?

But you have to share it out.

You can't have one,

you can't have one,

you can't have one,

you can't have one,

you can't have one parent doing all the holding.

No.

But sometimes the kids want

one particular parent, don't they?

And then if one's the one,

the other one gets jealous and wants to build that one as well.

We're kind of out of that.

I suppose Jack's still a bit like that, but

now that they're growing up,

we don't really have that.

When they were babies and we'd have

having to hold like two babies at once,

Johnny and Jack.

It's nice when the kids want to sit.

They don't want to be anywhere near you.

But it's hard,

if you're having a really good time

and everyone's having a party

and having a great time

and you're stuck with the kids and the crying

and you've got food all over you

and you're like, I just want to join in and be an adult.

That's a difficult time.

I remember those times.

We'd go out to the pubs and stuff like that.

It's a hard one, it's a hard balance.

Sometimes it's not worth even going.

Go to say hello

because it's even worse

because you want to say it

but you can't.

But when we went to that pub garden the other day

that was the first time.

We've gone, oh my god, we can actually enjoy this

without the kids sitting on your knee

and having to feed them.

But they were just playing, weren't they?

They were running with the dogs.

It was brilliant.

It was the first time we took all the kids

and sat there in a pub garden.

To that environment.

It was the first time

I've really enjoyed being with them.

There's not been

in that environment

I have enjoyed being with them.

At the pub or something.

Because they're having a good time as well.

Usually they're going, this is boring.

Yeah.

We learned that lesson pretty early on.

Kids don't want to go for a meal.

They don't want to go to a restaurant.

They don't want to go to a pub.

They want to be out playing

or in soft play or whatever.

So we've kind of avoided doing that.

Trapping a kid in a chair

for a long meal

is a recipe for disaster.

Okay.

Good evening to you both.

Good evening.

What is this evening?

We don't normally record in the evening.

Yeah.

But I think that's pretty presumptuous

for them.

No?

I can't believe he's down it.

This is the first one we've done in the evening.

Good evening to you both.

I've been attending the gym of late, trying to lose a few pounds.

And the best me I can be.

I've been single for a while.

I'm definitely no oil painting.

But apparently there's someone out there for everyone.

I was listening to the latest episode of your podcast

and I found it quite distressing.

Indulge me for a moment longer, if you would.

In my local area there was a stray cat

that often...

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Okay.

Strays don't count.

If you pick a stray up,

someone walks in and it's not weird

because you go, it was a stray and I couldn't leave it.

Yeah.

Strays are not the same thing.

No.

It's the rigmarole of going.

After investigating it turned out

it was homeless.

It had been roaming the streets for some time.

I've never had the desire to own a cat.

But this wee chap struck a chord with me.

I took him in and named him impossible

because he seemed to be able to do the impossible.

Several trips to the vets later

his health appears to be quite content.

Can you imagine my distress

while happily driving home from the gym in my half socks?

He's fucked.

I like this fella already.

And you're discussing the ick.

Thank God I don't have a bath.

Why?

What did you say about that?

I just wanted to say fuck you both very much.

P.S. love the pod.

Lee, single half sock wearing cat owner.

Oh, I love Lee.

Lee, you're a legend.

Don't worry, you'll definitely get someone.

What do you think?

The stray don't count.

Half sock in the gym.

We could let him off.

We could let him off with that.

Can we let him off?

I like his sock with a calf.

Oh, you're changing tune now.

No, not a half sock.

A normal sock.

Short and trainer in the gym.

Yeah.

Do you?

What do you mean with a calf?

With a nice rippling calf?

Is that what you say?

Are you into calves?

There are only calves, I'm into baby cows.

Why did you say I like a nice sock with a calf then?

No, because I was picturing your leg, yours have like a nice brown leg.

Nice calf.

And a sock.

A high sock.

An ankle.

Can't cope with the half socks.

But I think he took in a catnip.

I think

a stray I get.

I think it's a luxurious looking cat.

Why?

I don't know, I think it's just a bit.

Do you think his cats look curious?

No, I'm saying like, I think that's the problem.

I think also having a stray could help you pull,

couldn't you, if you tell that story down the pub.

It's a nice story.

The kids keep telling me about this black cat that's in the garden.

I'm like, shut up.

There's no cat in the garden.

They're like, mum, mum, there's a black cat in the garden.

Maggie's trying to get this black cat.

And I saw it the other day.

It's actually real.

They've been telling me for weeks.

I'm like, shut up, there's no cat.

There's no black cat.

I'm like, are they watching something on YouTube

and having dreams about this black cat?

I thought they were playing a game.

And then we actually saw the black cat.

They've got no chance of getting in with our cats though.

Our cats hate any other cats.

No, it's quite aggressive.

The black one?

No Maggie was being aggressive to it.

It was a bit of a poem.

The black one was trying to get in.

I'd love to have a stray.

You had a stray, didn't you?

Yeah, Mabel.

Big up, R.A.P.

Will you live it on your own?

No, Ross is...

Ross is...

What's that picture was him with the cat?

With his cat.

I was single at the time as well.

She's died now then.

Do you know why she died?

Why?

Because she was curing other people's illnesses.

This cat.

I thought you were about to say curiosity.

Yeah.

I wish I did say that.

My auntie, our friend,

thought this cat had healing powers

and was like

going to sick people

and absorbing their illness

und das ist why she died.

Is that why you said that?

Yeah.

Really?

People were getting healed.

So she's going in

and getting all the badness.

What a selfless way to go.

You think that's true?

You do?

I know, but do you think it's true?

She had an aura.

Why did you have an aura?

You can't explain.

You've even got an aura.

She had an aura.

Have I got an aura?

You've got something.

Rita has.

Rita.

Rita aura.

Rita aura.

I've got a bloody aura.

I don't know.

He sent us a picture of his cat as well.

It's a lovely looking cat.

I like to see a picture of Lee.

Yeah.

I know we could easily.

So if you're a cat loving

half sock kind of girl.

Oh God.

We like Lee.

Good luck, Lee.

If you love someone,

you'd let them off with the half sock.

Yeah.

I've enjoyed it.

Hopefully we've helped a few people.

We've discussed birthdays.

We've got a load coming up.

I've just had a few.

I'm looking forward to the big Jack's big pie.

He's had a couple of weeks later.

You're not going to be here?

I know.

I'm excited for him though.

You actually will be here.

17.

I'll be here for Jack.

Check your diary.

It's a distinct calendar.

A distinct calendar.

Yes, available.

I'll be there.

I'm looking forward to these 12-foot Transformers.

I know.

They're actually coming all the way from Liverpool.

Are they?

Yeah.

It's an incredible company that I found on Instagram.

It's a verb.

Yeah.

Well that'd be good.

It's www.therapycrouch.com

We've got all our social channels.

Yeah.

Please leave us comments on our YouTube.

Yeah, I like going through them.

We're getting to know our listeners more.

Yeah.

Thankfully it seems to have gone pretty well.

So there's not too many bad ones.

Keep them coming.

Eigentlich brauche ich nur ein Shopsystem, um meine Produkte online zu verkaufen.

Machine-generated transcript that may contain inaccuracies.