The Therapy Crouch: They Call Me The Godfather

I wish I had hair like me instead of my two strands.

Can you catch?

Two balls coming your way.

Pete's got this new thing of buying himself face cream, my fans.

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Crouch with me, Abby Clancy.

Me, Peter Crouch.

You're going to put your phone down now, darling.

The session plan, my organisation's on the phone this week.

That's all too technical for me, I like a fair piece of paper.

I've been doing this for years, so obviously it comes naturally to me, I have a plan.

Because you're a pundit, you're used to this.

You're a podfather, that's what I am.

And you're a podfather.

How is the Peter Crouch podcast doing in the charts, by the way?

Because I didn't see it in the top five where mine was.

Absolutely flying.

Better than this drivel.

Sorry if you can hear any drilling upstairs, it's not us because we're on the couch.

No joking.

We've actually got a problem with our roof.

So we're getting some work done.

So what we've been up to, we had a great Friday night, didn't we?

Yeah.

We went to see Mickey's Friday night.

You had a better Friday night than I did.

Yeah, I did.

I enjoyed it.

I enjoyed myself.

It's just really annoying, I wasn't feeling too well.

Didn't we just know it?

We went to see Mickey Flanagan, and I wasn't feeling myself.

Do you know what my crime was?

Laughing.

A comedy show.

Nothing too much.

You were just like, I don't know if you thought I'm at a comedy show,

so I'm going to try and outstage or upstage Mickey Flanagan to our own friends.

We went to Mickey Flanagan, which was absolutely incredible, by the way.

It was so funny.

I've missed it.

I was totally fine before Anne with me and Anne.

We sat in silence, obviously, watching the show, and then I was in trouble after it.

I hadn't spoke.

It was genuinely one of the most baffling experiences of my life.

Because all of the gags about our unhappy was in his relationship,

you couldn't stop laughing at them.

And I was like, oh my God, that's me.

That's me.

That's my life.

I said that once when he said something.

It's all relatable.

I reckon everyone in that entire arena went home, oh my God, that's just like us.

It's what it is.

It's relatable.

You both felt sick.

I can't always be fun happy.

Let's just move on from that.

Fabi.

Behaviour.

Fabi, yeah.

But anyway, if you don't get a chance to see it, it is fantastic.

I actually think it was his best show yet.

He's just so funny.

I think he was slightly concerned about being cancelled.

Yeah, he was.

Throughout the show.

But do you know what?

Life's for living and you've got to have fun.

And if a comedian can't make a joke, then we're all fucked, in my opinion.

What do you think?

It's a good point, though.

I agree totally.

You go there to laugh.

That's what they're supposed to do.

Can you imagine a comedian not telling funny jokes?

There'd be no such thing as a comedian.

If it was just normal people having a conversation, that wasn't funny.

It has to be controversial and funny.

Otherwise, he's just like Joe blogs next door, isn't he?

No, it was sensational.

He looked well as well.

He's 60 as well.

I can't believe that.

Great head of hair.

Great head of hair.

God, I wish I had hair like me.

Instead of my two strands.

But no, it was fun.

I actually want to go and see him again.

We don't do that enough, I don't think, go to comedy shows.

It's a great night out.

Going to a comedy show is so underrated.

Everyone thinks you've got to go to a bar and get drunk.

It's a whole different experience.

Just go and have a proper laugh and a comedian.

It's literally the best.

It's the best tonic laughter.

Do you know what did tickle me as well?

I think this is what you were saying about me relating it to our life.

He literally spoke about shouting through walls.

There were so many things that you talked about.

I was like, let's make you flan again and listen to our podcast.

Stealing our material.

Stealing our material.

Well, it was genuinely, he was talking about shouting through walls

and then you have to come and then it's always something that you can't,

it's no interesting.

Oh my God, what's up darling?

Can you remind me why you're actually married to me?

Because it seems like everything I say or do.

Well, after the other night, I did question it.

Talk about or think about what I have to say.

It's got zero relevance to you.

Well, should we go into the wines because we feel like we're there already.

Okay, let's go.

Well, I've got one.

My one is the bathroom.

The bathroom in situation at the minute.

We went from having a...

So we've talked about the bathroom.

The bathroom Pete reluctantly wanted to do up, which is now complete.

I didn't want to do it up.

No, reluctantly did up.

You did it up and I was reluctant.

That's what I'm saying.

I didn't make any decisions at all.

But anyway, now we've got a much worse bathroom.

The other day I was brushing my teeth because there's no plug for the electric toothbrush that we like.

So we've gone more primitive.

So we've paid money and got a worse product.

The marble looks lovely.

That looks great.

That's obviously what you did it for.

But functional wise, I've got a drawer that's much smaller.

I can't fit any of my stuff in it.

The toothbrush doesn't charge.

There's no mirror anymore.

There's no mirror in the bathroom.

No mirror.

I find that hard to believe.

No mirror in the bathroom.

So the other day I was brushing my teeth with a spider-man toothbrush that I found.

You can't even barely get any toothpaste in it.

And I've shelled out for this bathroom that doesn't work.

So the mirror is on a 10-week lead time.

Oh, OK.

Because it's made to order for the size.

And there is a connection for the toothbrush in the drawer.

But it's not connected yet.

So wait for the electrician to come by.

But going on to the small drawer, it's not a smaller drawer actually.

If you think about it, we had two drawers and now we've got four drawers and a big cupboard underneath.

But no, I think you've got six drawers and I've got one little thing in the corner.

So Pete's got this new thing of buying himself face cream.

I've had him...

It's not just any face cream.

It's Elemis Marine Collagen.

Sound real, you know.

Honestly, this doesn't just happen.

I thought you were looking pecky.

This doesn't just happen.

What I want to know is what did you search for?

Do you know what I used?

You were always having a go at me about using your products.

Oh yeah, that's another fucking line I've got.

So I don't want to use your products, right?

So I buy my own and get hammered for that.

But what did you type in to get Elemis Marine Collagen Sparm?

Because that's very specific.

You're going to laugh.

I think I typed in luxury face cream.

Luxury.

So I didn't want like...

I wanted like full on like your stuff.

Your stuff's different level, isn't it?

It is a different level.

Yeah.

And so I went, I wanted something like that.

So I went for that.

And then also it's good because it's got SPF in it as well, which I found out today.

It's a little bit too late for you, honey.

It's like a bloody map.

I've been outside, I've not been in the map.

Been outside my whole life.

Don't realise even in this country when it's not sunny,

you still get skin damage.

Babe, I tell you this.

Well, I know that, but I've realised it now.

But why can't you just go and buy your own?

They're half done.

Because he doesn't use the piece, even on the bottle.

It says like a pea-sized amount, piece like that.

On his hands, like a whole bottle.

You know, I bought myself these, now I've got my new bathroom.

Oh, here we go.

The cat litter tray's not in there anymore, so it doesn't stink of cat shit.

Progress.

And I thought, you know, get a nice bath.

Bought myself this little box of all little mini essential oils,

all in little glass bottles, absolutely beautiful.

The smell, you know, I love getting a bath before bed.

I thought I'd do every night bath, cream on,

dressing gown, double knotted.

Double knotted.

It's good to get a bath.

Every single oil is gone.

Do you want to talk about that?

Well, there's an oil next to the bath.

It's so nice, I like to relax with it.

You put it in the bath?

Yeah.

Straight in the bath.

Unreal.

But I don't have anything like for myself.

Relax, de-stress.

It's that time, you've got five minutes,

just a bit of me time.

Long, hard day at the old face gym.

You put your collagen moisturiser on.

Exactly.

An essential oil bath.

No, it's 2023, you know what I mean?

I call him Ken.

Ken.

I what?

I look like I bought a face cream.

Like, come on.

You've got to look after yourself.

You get to a certain age, you've got to, you know,

maintain.

Maintain.

That's all I'm doing.

It's for you, really.

It's not for me.

You don't want to look at an old bag, do you?

You know, it doesn't smell nice.

You always smell nice, but that's down to my watch.

Because of the oils.

But I just, because I have it with the kids as well,

like everything.

Like, I go to get my mascara, it's gone.

You know, my body scrub is gone.

Like, Sophia's using all my shampoos for, like,

severely damaged hair on beautiful, virgin hair.

I'm like, get out of my bathroom.

Stop using my stuff.

My mum used to say it to me, and I used to be like,

what's she going on about?

Like, I get it.

I feel the pain.

It's awful.

Like, she gets in the bath as well with the fucking oils.

And then comes down in, like, my brand new, like, T-shirt

and all my gym stuff.

But what's with the not, you know, all my stuff just gets,

you know, I look at my bag.

I'm not using your, like...

No, my bag would just be there.

And, like, that's my bag.

Like, don't touch my bag.

Like, there's loads of stuff, you know,

my own personal stuff in there, right?

You wish you've lost your bag.

You just go through it all.

You just, like, bang, bang,

you just get the bank card out, leave it all

in the wrong places, stuff like that.

Like, what's mine is yours, and what's yours is mine.

So if there's oils there, I'll put them in the bath.

Yeah, just share them with a partnership.

So are you going to replenish them,

because they're all gone now?

I don't know where you get them from.

Space NK.

Just type in Luxury Essential Oils.

Luxury oils.

Slippery little sucker.

So I've got my wine.

Oh, well, that wasn't it?

No.

There's another one.

That's just you in general.

So my wine this week,

other than you using all of my beauty products,

you do look good, though, to be fair.

Yeah.

Thanks for that.

So my wine is a really annoying habit that Pete's got.

So the other night, you're watching a football match,

and we ordered to take away from the Italian down the road,

but they don't deliver, so we had to pick it up.

And I was getting all the kids to bed

while Pete was watching the match,

and he wouldn't go and collect it.

He was like, I can't because I'm watching the match.

I'm like, just pause the match.

Bearing in mind, this is Real Madrid versus Manchester City,

and the Champions League semi-final.

She's saying, just pause it.

What?

Just pause the match.

It's live.

But doesn't that build up the suspense?

Not at all.

So much can go wrong.

One of the kids could press stop.

No, they couldn't off because I was putting them to bed at this point.

Not just that.

Your phone's on you.

You know, you could live updates, notifications.

You could hang your phone off while you go and get the food.

So I had to turn my phone off,

pause the game and go and get food

where Ab's doing absolutely nothing.

No, so I was just...

She didn't guard them in the glass, so why am I not going?

Oh, my God.

I don't ask a lot.

Addy, I'd had my dinner.

This was your dinner, so you can go and get it.

So I literally jumped on top of them

and was like, wrestle the remote.

Made a full wrestling match for about...

It was a good five minutes.

So you missed five minutes anyway.

You would have been there and back

in that whole wrestle segment.

I couldn't believe it.

It's my fault for going.

I shouldn't go.

I should just say no.

No, but you paused it

and then at your dinner, press play,

and everything was fine,

so that like 20 minutes of debate could have been...

It worked out all right,

but any person who enjoys football will tell you

you don't pause a live football match.

You can pause match of the day.

You can pause highlights.

Nobody pauses.

So you're telling me you could have just found all this

out on the highlights, innit?

We just don't even watch the games.

You watch the highlights.

Yeah, so we didn't even have to watch it.

That is not, unfortunately, how live sport works.

Live support.

I needed to be on live support after that night,

boring football.

Again, another nonsense,

weekly-wired from you.

No, you can't pause live football.

I'm not backing down on that one.

It's not how it works.

So are we cheers into no more pausing of live matches?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, so this is beetroot, carrot,

and ginger juice.

I've got, you may be an orange cordial.

How old are you?

Which is bizarrely one of my favourite drinks.

Cheers.

Do you know some of these audience wines here?

You know what we just touched on there before?

Well, I'm here.

My husband is always using my razor.

It drives me mad.

Why do men love using our products?

Interesting, eh?

Yeah, because you pretend that you don't care about the way

you look and what you're doing.

And I'm a man.

I don't have to use a face cream or brush my hair.

But really, you're so jealous of all these luxury products

we're putting on ourselves.

Well, then what it is is like when I'm in the bathroom,

that's when I think about using face cream or having a shave.

If I'm out and about, the last thing I think about is,

aren't you?

I must buy some...

But when you buy any course at all on your head and shoulders,

you could buy a little face cream.

Are you there?

Yeah, well, I do now.

It's something I never thought about as a kid,

but I think about now.

If you think about it, I don't use anything of yours.

Got a few more.

My boyfriend leaves the biggest skid you'll ever see.

Oh, God.

The other day, it would have been a meal for two

if he'd scraped it off.

This podcast is getting far too low-rent for my liking.

I don't want to talk about that.

My partner leaves his tea bag in the mug when he's drinking it,

gives me the egg.

No, that's no good.

I hate it when people leave the tea bag in the sink.

Like, why the fuck would you do that?

Stains the sink?

Yeah, yeah.

At what age is it acceptable for you to buy clothes for your son?

My boyfriend's mum has bought him the most horrendous

childish t-shirt that a seven-year-old would wear.

His friend's kid even has the same shirt and pointed at it

and said, that's my t-shirt.

How do we tell her to stop buying him childish clothes?

He's 29 for context.

What's the t-shirt got on him?

I don't know.

It doesn't say.

But I think this is something that,

if you don't have a girlfriend or a wife,

it's quite nice.

Mum bought him a t-shirt,

but obviously he's going to get some stick for it.

He's 30.

Did your mum used to buy your clothes?

Yeah, she used to buy me a few bits and pieces, yeah.

To what age?

I want to say 12.

I want to say 12,

but if you just turn them numbers back to them.

I think I was at Portsmouth at the time.

I had to tell her to stop.

Your mum was privy to it like a John Smedley jumper

or a Lyland Scott for you?

Scott was all my own designs.

Really?

Yeah, that was all my own.

Was it all the rage then?

Well, they were all the rage, you know.

It wasn't maybe the most fashionable.

But it's only the same eye by all your clothes now.

Yeah, I just don't know.

I don't know.

I think you're the fashionista of the family, aren't you?

Hardly.

I'll let you decide for me.

I think men are so easy to dress.

Women need to hold it.

I never know what to wear in the day.

I think with women, variety is key, isn't it?

You need to spice things up.

You want a different thing with a different occasion.

With men, I think you can just keep turning out the same look

in a different way.

It's jeans and t-shirt or jeans and topweather and shirt.

You know, suit, standard for an event.

There you go, guys.

Some sips from the Crouch Meister.

How to look after yourself.

It's good advice, isn't it?

She could still buy him the stuff, but he could just stop wearing it.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, look at me.

I've managed to get myself a Victoria's Secret Swaddle.

Oh, yeah?

Should we touch on your...in the shop?

In the shop window.

Good of us.

I'm shy, aren't I?

Wow, it's absolutely amazing.

It's a bit of a surreal thing and a bit of a dream come true.

Not just the window, by the way.

The entire...you know, we went up to the one in Bond Street.

The entire shop window, all of them.

But I was slightly concerned because obviously when my campaign came out

and it's across the whole shop, Pete went down there and like filmed it all.

Pete's going to have to get arrested, like being a peeping tom.

I was slightly concerning when I was filming, you know, a women's underwear shop.

There was a few people, obviously, like probably thinking, look at this pervert.

But I was really proud of you.

You know, it's incredible.

But it's acceptable to perv on your wife.

Yeah.

You know, yeah, I probably was pervin, but I was also very proud of you.

Thank you.

You know, because I know that you've always wanted to do that, haven't you?

And it's been a dream of yours and you've managed to achieve it.

Well done.

We've had a huge response to our ics from last week's episode.

And I think we've offended a few cat lovers.

So I think the favourites were the running for the bus.

That one took us to be that.

I know.

Well, I don't think that's...

Surely you're allowed to run for the bus.

It's if you've got a terrible run.

Like, no one would like ick at Usain Bolt running for the bus.

You'd probably run faster than the bus.

Do you know what I mean?

It's got to be in icky pairs.

It's just got to be a shit run, I think.

Like, I think it's got to be a terrible run.

The cat thing, listen, I don't know.

I don't know if it's...

I don't think that's...

One more.

But sometimes I come home from work

and you'll be sitting on the couch with the cat on your knee.

Dr Evil.

Yeah, but it's not...

Like, it wasn't my choice to...

And also we've got kids, you know.

I don't think...

I think a single man a bachelor pad with a cat feels a bit weird.

I'm sorry, guys, but that's how I feel.

I've got a load of the socks as well, the half socks.

I've had a load of pics on social media

from people in half socks.

John...

Sadie Nars.

The other night...

Can I borrow some of Pete's clothes and his socks

and pull a pair of halves?

How do you draw?

I do own them.

Right, so this episode, babe, right?

What's it about? Talk to me.

So I think we're going to do a god-pair inti vibe,

because it's that season, isn't it?

It's Christen and season.

Is it?

I suppose they happen in the summer, do they?

Yeah, because...

That's when I got Christendom in the summer.

It's a red heart, I remember.

I got Christendom on Easter Sunday.

Did she?

Yeah.

And it was like a special year of something as well.

I remember my nan and my mum always saying,

like, that everyone said you were the best looking baby.

And it was like the most special day,

and even the priest couldn't believe it.

I look like freaking Googie.

The Liverpool duck on all the midges of the bonnet

on with all the feathers are so fat.

Oh.

But we haven't Christendom any of our kids.

No.

Why is that?

Well, I think in Liverpool, it's like a thing to do.

Like, everyone Christians the kids,

and then you kind of get into the good schools.

Yeah.

Liv said to me the other day, you know,

she said, can I be Christendom?

She asked me.

She said, why?

She said, I want to try the bread.

That's a communion.

Yeah, she...

I'll be honest with you, I'm not that religious.

And I know you're, what, like a...

I was brought up as a Catholic,

went to Catholic schools,

but I'm also not a very religious person.

I've got my own faith,

and I believe in if you're kind and nice to people,

and, you know, do the right thing morally,

and that's enough.

That's where...

Like, I do actually believe in God,

but I don't...

I have it in my own way.

I'm not like...

I don't conform to...

religion.

What kind of religion's not for me?

It's not for me.

Mine's my own personal religion

that I've created in my own head,

and I've got my own beliefs,

which I won't share.

They're private.

You say your prayers every night?

I do, yeah.

It's funny, like, when we're going to sleep,

I'll be, like, talking, obviously,

to be to bed.

And then you'll just...

Interrupting.

Interrupting his prayer,

and then he'll just, like, stop talking,

and then, obviously,

I've slept in the same bed as him for 17 years now.

So I'll just, like, stop talking

while he says his prayer,

and then just continue my conversation.

He hasn't said a lot.

No, I've said it a lot.

Do you?

I'm desperate to know what it is.

You won't tell me.

It's private.

Is it the same prayer every night?

Yeah.

Like I say, isn't it?

Yeah, pretty much.

Did you make it up,

or is it, like, a...

No, I'll make it up.

Is it our father?

No, I made it up.

Like I said, it's my own personal religion.

I can guess exactly what it would be.

Go on up. Have a go.

Like, dear God, please...

What was it?

It'd be like, dear God,

please, can you look after all of my loved ones?

I just want to say thanks for, you know,

my house, happiness,

and can you please look after my family

and loved ones and...

Not far off.

Blah, blah.

Ah.

I think it'd be some...

I think it's nice to just appreciate what you've got

at the end of the day, sometimes.

What, every day?

Since I was about 12.

So I do do that, yeah.

That's so interesting.

There's another news.

I've got a shot.

Yeah, see?

Yeah, genuinely, yeah.

I've always done it, yeah.

Just never ever told anyone, even so.

Thanks for bringing it up.

The one person who could expose me

has fucking exposed me.

But it's nothing to be ashamed of.

I think it's nice, like, people...

No, it's a nice thing.

It's genuinely something that I've always done since I was 12

and something that I...

Did you start doing that on...

Did it start with, please, God,

please, can I be a footballer?

Did a bit, yeah.

Please, can I be a footballer?

God, I will do anything if you make me a footballer.

Do you know what?

As a kid, that is genuinely...

You've literally nailed it.

Because I know you in sight.

I know you...

No, that was...

That's how it started, and then that has happened, right?

And then I was like, oh, my God, like, this is...

He's...

He's...

I believe him.

He's great at God's decision,

and she wants to...

I better start thanking him.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, so a friend of ours has been asked to be a God-parent,

and they give me a...

They call me up and was like,

God, I actually feel like there's a lot of pressure

and burden on being a God-parent.

Like, what does that entail?

Does that mean if anything happens to them,

and then I get, like, stuck with it?

Not quite there, kids.

Is that why you're looking at it?

That's what they said to me,

my friends, that was the quote.

So I know we're God-parents for quite a few of our friends.

We've got our little Luca.

Are you God-parent to Luca, or is it just me?

Just you, I think.

And then we've got Shea and your God-parent to Cruz,

like my best friend from school.

That I felt quite emotional about,

and I was quite pleased with that.

Obviously, they wanted, like, a couple to be, you know,

God-parent to the kids, didn't they?

When we agreed we didn't have four children of our own.

So, Holly, best look after yourself.

But, like, what is the actual point of a God-parent?

Like, seriously.

So if you're supposed to, if something happens to them,

you take over, or what?

Or do you just oversee the christening and be, like, you know,

like a best man?

Like a best man, almost.

Almost like a best man.

Oh, God.

Yeah, it's like something that sort of...

I think if you go into the kind of...

I don't know if history is the right word,

but the kind of...

The religious background.

The religious aspect of it,

it's kind of like you're there to, like, step in as a parent figure

and be there for that child, you know,

emotionally, physically, you know,

if anything happens to the parents,

but I think, you know, in reality,

if something did happen to the parents,

they'd probably go to a family member first.

Some God-parents are really taking it really seriously.

You know, like, I know people that take it really seriously,

and it's like they really want to be involved in the kids' lives,

and sometimes you can't speak to your mum and dad,

but you can go and speak to your God-parents,

and that's someone that's like another voice that's not in.

Yeah.

You can bounce off.

Yeah, I think that's what I take from a God-parent there

for that child if they need to,

if they have issues that they can't speak to their parents about,

or a family member, or...

Yeah, it's just, I suppose, another support network.

But similar to, like, when we go on a plane

and you text, like, your next-of-kin about...

Yeah, because you're my next-of-kin,

and you're always...

When we're on a plane about the kids,

she texts, like, either a brother or a mum or something,

which, like, makes me do it as well.

Or a voice note.

No, because I'm always scared in case...

If we die, for all the kids.

No, because I'm always scared in case, you know,

I always want, like, evidence of it,

because I think if we did die,

and then people started, you know, knocking on the door,

like, I'm taking your kids and I'm doing that,

you know, if you've just got the evidence of a text,

I don't know how well that had to stand up in call,

but if we gave our wishes to people

or if anything happens to us on this flight,

you're in charge, and this is what you've got to do.

And it's a detailed list that I sent.

It's a really nice message for, like, a brother to receive.

Yeah.

You know, have a great holiday.

If we die...

LAUGHTER

You're in charge.

I don't know what's worse.

I was dying while him being in charge.

LAUGHTER

Well, I've seen how he's trained as dog,

so he's off the list now.

Is he? Yeah.

The hound's been here all weekend,

because in Havoc, the rim of the rug is chocolate brown.

Oh, my God, this rim.

The rim.

Wow.

The rim is chocolate brown.

Have you given up now with this rug,

because it's a terrible state?

Yeah, I've ordered two new rugs.

I've gone for a leather rim on the next...

Yeah, but is that good or bad?

Can you just wipe that?

Well, I'm hoping so.

If I got a faux leather rim,

I could wipe it.

Why's the word rim so funny?

But I'm just going to...

I'm just getting a new rug,

simple as that.

Yeah.

The dog's shit on the rug yesterday.

The dog...

The super-trained Great Dane puppy.

Oh.

Been in the garden playing around for an hour

and comes in, does his business on the green rug.

Oh, my God.

Which I just can't cope with.

I just can't go with it.

I bet you're Geoffrey's loving this.

He looks like Golden Balls and stuff, doesn't he?

Yeah, Geoffrey is just impeccably trained.

You could be putting up with.

Geoffrey is impeccably trained

and he's learning bad habits from this mutt and stuff.

He's quite defensive about it, isn't he?

So, Yoke is defensive.

Oh, she's only four months old.

Geoffrey was finding iPhones four months old.

You know, my dog's trained.

Is that what you bought them for?

Yeah.

iPhones and bank cards?

Geoffrey, bank card.

Literally.

Wasn't he, though?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, he's good, yeah.

He's good now.

Very good.

It's just, with regards to food,

that's his advice, isn't it?

His weakness.

He does jump off and nick a bacon sandwich every now and then.

I can't.

He eats everything.

I made cakes with the kids the other day

and we were, like, hours decorating them,

20 cupcakes,

icing, all the sprinkles, everything.

When have the room come back?

Every single one, Don.

Was he all right?

Yeah, he was, of course, he was all right.

I wasn't all right.

I was so excited.

That's my favourite thing, isn't it?

A cake in a couple of days.

Yeah.

And he took it.

But, you know, going on the Godparents thing,

I think I might be asked to be a bridesmaid at some stage.

Oh, you've never been a bridesmaid, have you?

No.

Obviously, I'll be my sister's bridesmaid.

That's already planned,

even though she's not engaged.

Yes.

My best friend from school is getting married.

I'd love her not to ask, you know.

No, you said that.

Well, she asked me if I was to date.

I actually haven't replied,

because it's in half-term.

So she's thinking,

does this date work for you?

But she actually didn't ask.

Oh, no way.

So you've just invited yourself into this scenario.

Well, I hope it's coming.

Surely it has to.

She's my best mate.

No pressure if you haven't listened to this.

I know.

I hope she doesn't listen,

because I don't even know if it's public.

I'll have to ask her.

Well, she's pretty anonymous at the moment, isn't she?

Yeah.

That's true.

She knows who she is.

She's been around with all sorts of pressure, haven't she?

But it's a hard one, the bridesmaid thing.

I've got advice for people who are asking bridesmaids

to be bridesmaids.

Please enlighten us.

We're all desperate to know.

What?

Come on in.

So you did it right.

Like, you only had your best man and your groomsman

as people who have always been a constant in your life.

And will always be.

And I think with girls sometimes,

when you ask them for your bridesmaid,

you might be, like, in a new group at the time

and hang around with certain people.

And then you get married

and, like, literally never see them again.

And then you've got, like...

Should I say this?

Yeah, yeah.

It's because girls haven't got any real mates,

have they, usually?

No, that is not what I'm saying at all.

What I'm saying is girls,

when you're choosing your bridesmaids,

pick your ride or dies, one and onlys,

or, like, your sister or cousin.

You know, what's good about...

I like about godparents, like, the ones that are on it.

You know, like, my uncle Pete is my godfather.

You know, you never...

Oh, you said you were in christened?

No, I was christened.

I was christened.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah.

We had a great day.

I remember it.

Well, it was a roasting hot day.

How can you remember being christened?

I remember it.

Yeah, I remember it clearly.

I remember the day, everything.

We had a big party in the garden.

It was great.

Yeah, I was about...

That's your communion.

I was about 12.

That's your communion.

No, it was a christening.

It was a christening.

You can't get christened when you're 12.

Sarah got christened and they christened me as well.

Maybe it was Sarah who was christened

and I just kicked into it.

I don't remember the stairs, well...

Are you sure that wasn't your circumcision?

Party.

Ah,

christening circumcision.

Potato, potato.

Babe, I don't think you are christened.

I'm circumcisioned.

Have you never...

Has anyone ever asked you

if you thought you would say no

to being a godparent?

No.

Would you ever say no?

No, we've only ever been asked once, haven't we?

Twice.

I'm the godparent to two people.

Yeah.

Two kids.

And I've got my sister's kids, obviously.

Yeah.

So,

I'm involved with them.

Mm.

I don't...

But do you take the role of a godparent seriously?

Not particularly, no.

Not bad.

I don't...

I think...

Yeah, but you're either that kind of...

I'm not religious, really.

But you're either that kind of person

or you're not, are you?

Like, there are certain types of people,

like the person that writes a thank-you card

for a present,

you know,

sends a Christmas card to people.

I wish I was better at that.

I wish I was...

I wish I was that person so much.

Like I say, my uncle Pete is so good at that.

Like, he doesn't forget the kids' birthdays.

Mm.

And he hasn't seen them for ages.

And he's like...

He just still sends a card.

I think that's...

My dad's like that as well.

Your dad's good at that.

Yeah.

It's a good thing.

It's a nice thing.

Just let people know you're thinking of them.

But you know what?

I hate about them kind of people, though.

They don't remind you when it's their birthday.

So then...

So, like, I always...

They don't remind them.

I always remind...

I always miss, like, Sue's birthday

or my dad's birthday

because everyone's in January.

Well, my dad's in February,

but, like, everyone's in January.

So I always get it, like, a day late,

and I'm like,

Dad, give me the heads up, you know?

Mm.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So those people who are, like, so organised, never...

That's slippery one.

Like, don't...

They don't tell you.

Like, for instance...

And it causes so much hate.

It hurts people's feelings when you forget.

And I'm like, you know,

you could easily give me a heads up.

Get your heads up, yeah.

I think of older people.

Do you like, like, physical calendars, don't you?

And they mark out all the important dates every year.

That's what I have.

A physical calendar?

Yeah.

On the wall?

Yeah.

What pictures do you have on there?

I've got a Vin Diesel calendar.

Vin Diesel calendar.

Ugh.

So if you're made to not fuss on the kids,

how can you say no?

Mm.

I think it depends how close you are.

Like, often, you're a godparent,

your kid could be in Australia or something,

and you can't, you know...

Yeah.

But it's nice if you go round.

Australia Liverpool.

Australia Liverpool.

You feel like you're part of the family, you know, like...

But then I think...

And it might not be, you know, actual family,

but you feel like your family's grown

because you've added people

who are really important and special to you

that would look after your child

and you would trust them

because you trust them that much as though they're family.

Yeah.

I think that's what God being a godparent is about.

And I think, you know,

if we were to Chris and our kids and ask our family,

like my brother and sister, you know,

they're actually too close

to take any value from that title.

Do you know what I mean?

Exactly.

That's what I think is nice.

They'd be like, oh, God, no, thanks.

Another job.

Yeah, another job with them, like, most days anyway.

That's why it's special for someone who you...

I think what a godparent is,

well, I'm coming to my own conclusion of this,

but I think it's someone you value who's not family

but should be family.

Like Tommy and Kaz.

Yeah, Tommy and Kaz.

Holly.

You know, those...

Tommy and Kaz, Holly, like...

They're not family, but they are.

Jason Stacey, for instance, you know,

like the people who are close to us

who are...

You'd class as, you know,

especially like Greg to me or, you know...

I think Alfie would be a good godparent.

The boys.

Alfie would be great, yeah.

Like someone you trust, you know, with your life,

a really good friend that you would trust with your kids.

But I have...

I have, like, kind of sized people up for the job.

You know, when they've been here.

Let's just see if they eat that sandwich,

if they put the plate in the dishwasher, wipe the table.

Well, is that your remit for godparents?

They're tidy around the house.

It is.

Let's see how...

It's about confining.

It's about when you confide them, surely.

Let's see how they value my rim.

No one could value your rim any higher than me.

If they're walking in my...

If they walk out in my house with shoes on

and stand on the rim,

they're not being a godparent at all.

Seriously, that's your remit, is it?

Yeah.

So basically...

Imagine they just...

They're staying over and they use the show towels

or something like that.

Gone.

Dead. Dead to me.

I've gone with Pete.

We haven't even got any friggin' show towels anymore

because they're all in use.

Like, I've just gone with that one.

Really?

Yeah.

I've broken you down.

Another ridiculous...

That bathroom is like...

You could write a story on it.

Show towels, friggin'.

You know, the cupboard not working.

Maybe you're not complaining

when you're lying in the bath

listening to Simply Red.

Doustin'.

Doustin' fucking Lavenda.

Doustin' Lavenda.

So I don't know what you're talking about.

You've had a bath every night

since we've had the bathroom.

The bath's good.

I'm not gonna lie.

The bath is good.

Shut your mouth.

Shut your mouth.

You don't know what...

You don't know what you've got

and it's gone.

Tell me.

The bath was there anyway.

When you've got your...

When you've scalded your skin with redox

when I take my oils off, yeah?

That's another thing you buy.

I'm a huge fan of redox.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Would you be offended if you asked someone

to be your parent and your children's godparents

and they said no?

Yeah.

But I know all my family will probably say no anyway.

So I wouldn't be offended by them.

No, but you know, if you're such an outside person,

you know, if you said, like,

you sat them down and said,

I'd really like it to be good.

Because it's a nice thing.

Like, if someone entrusts you with that role,

like, if someone sat me down and said,

I'd love you to be my godparent,

it's a nice thing, isn't it?

Yeah, well, you know you've got a parent to...

Yeah.

I do.

It's quite...

It fills me with pride.

You get...

Sort of like,

you feel like you have a responsibility then.

It's actually made me have a little rain check

on, you know,

taking my role a bit more serious.

You know, I've still got Lucas Christmas

present upstairs.

Kaz has been here about 10 times

in the background.

And she's got mine as well.

So we're both as useless as each other.

Every time she comes,

I'm just like,

oh, the track suits and trains.

I forgot them.

All right, well, that's godparents done.

Ag and Eabs?

Yeah.

Right, hello, Ag and Pete.

First off, I bloody love...

Ag and Pete.

What, no say?

Hello, Ag and Pete.

That was it?

Yeah, I guess that's what you should be called.

Ag and Pete.

Ag and Pete.

Ag or hag?

No, hag.

Wouldn't offend you.

Anyway, I need your advice.

My partner and I,

in the process of buying our first home,

we viewed a few houses,

but I won't lie, not many,

but we fell in love with the three-bedroom semi-detached.

I will say there's a lot of clean that is needed

and decorating as well.

That was my part of the appeal.

We could make it our own.

Now, both of my partner's parents

and my parents have seen the property with us.

My future in-laws have been really positive about the house

and getting us really excited about moving.

I will add we currently live with them.

My parents, on the other hand,

don't seem to be supportive at all

being really negative about this house that we really love.

I don't know what to say

because I don't want to upset them,

but then being so negative about our future home

is really starting to upset me.

Upset me.

Can you keep this a non

because I don't want to upset anyone,

but I really need some advice.

That's unusual that the in-laws are being nice about something.

Yeah, because they're living with them

and they want them out.

That's true.

So, obviously, it's probably a shithole.

And they're going,

oh, I think it's beautiful.

This is the one.

Oh, well, let's do it up.

We all love a project.

Yeah, this is great.

Let's get out.

But the moment they might be taking on too much

and the mum and dad are a bit worried, like, saying,

oh, God, are you sure this is not too much for you to take on?

There's a lot of work that needs...

You know, you do need that voice of reason.

It's like when we went to see that house the other day

on my class line.

It just needs a little liquor paint.

The whole house needed to be knocked down.

Number one, because it was two bedrooms

and there's six of us in our family.

Three bedrooms.

Yeah, yeah.

I have that vision, though.

I love a project.

You know, it's my passion going into houses

and doing them up.

You know, I think nothing excites me more than that.

You love it, don't you?

I absolutely love it.

And, you know...

I see this so many...

I see so many problems.

I just see, like, headaches.

Pound signs.

Yeah.

Like, I do see that.

But obviously, you know, you're a dreamer.

Head in the clouds.

Which is nice.

But getting back to, you know, the Anon...

I'm a dreamer.

I just think, like you say, the parents that they're living with

are probably very much, you know...

They probably haven't listened to Swedish House Mafia for years.

And then, you know, want to get back to it.

And, you know, they're going to want to get rid of the kids.

And obviously, the other parents are from a different perspective

of, like, you know, their children, they've got the house themselves.

They might be like, I'm not sure this is the right one for you.

Yeah, but it's a big decision.

Making that decision on a house.

It has to be right.

And, you know, for us, every, you know, project

or every house we've lived in has been a gut feeling.

You know, because we've been into some houses

that are, like, incredible houses,

don't need a thing doing to them.

And then ones that are a complete wreck,

need loads doing to it.

But you can, you know, you get that vision and that feeling.

And more often than not, we go for the one that needs...

When you know, you know, I think.

Like, when you walk in and you know, you know.

I think so.

Go with your gut.

Don't let any outside influences, you know,

it's your decision, you've got to live there.

You and your husband, you know, it's up to you too.

I don't think you should listen to any other.

Because when you're choosing baby names and things like that,

like, you don't tell anyone.

You've got to just go for it.

Yeah, you've got to go for it between you two.

And then everyone's going to have an opinion.

Because we did that mistake of, like, going through baby names

and, like, me dad and me, like, oh, that's a ridiculous name.

That's awful.

Oh, I hate that name.

And then you end up calling your baby that name.

And they're all like, oh, actually, do you like that name?

It's growing on me.

You know, there's no going back.

You'd best just do it yourself.

And I think the same goes for the house.

I do.

You know, they've got to live there.

It's, you know, it's her future.

You know, I think it is good to have that bit of rationale

behind the scenes saying, you know,

have you budgeted well enough for this?

You know, it's going to cost us this to get this.

You know, so they can take it on board.

But, you know, ultimately it's their decision.

And it's where they're going to, you know, make their life together.

Agreed.

Right, and on, make your own mind up.

Don't let anyone influence you.

Including you too.

But you, you, you picked up first.

I can't believe that.

I know we've spoke about it before on the part,

but I don't know how that happened.

I would have mentioned it.

I said, I opposed, didn't I?

You know, I was making decisions for us.

You just bought a house and there was like, this is the house.

Lovely house as well.

Better than this shithole.

A crappy bathroom.

Not true.

Yeah, still a read one.

Hi, Abby and Pete.

I'm with my boyfriend of nearly four years.

He's a massive Liverpool slash football fanatic,

which is completely okay.

But in the past year,

I've started realising how much he actually spends on his phone

watching football,

how much time he actually spends on his phone watching football.

I'm completely okay with him watching Liverpool

as he has supported them his whole life.

But any days out, like going for dinner or shopping,

he is constantly walking around with his phone in his hand,

watching all levels of football from the worst teams

that I've ever even heard of to the top teams.

He tried to tell me it's an important game,

but he's like a child walking around

with their iPads in their hands,

any ideas on what to do about this.

It's the old power shift again, isn't it?

What do you mean?

Wow, you know, she was fine with it at the start

and, you know, the beat were on the table.

No, she said she was fine with the watching his team that he liked.

Not walk, how annoying.

I know exactly because you've done this to me.

It's like 10 pieces behind, like that on the phone.

And I'm like trying something like this, babe.

And you're like, yeah, yeah.

And it could be a bin bag.

And you're not even paying any attention.

Yeah, there's a bit of give and take in relationships.

I think, you know, you're like being a football fan.

No, listen, I do.

There's a lot of give and take in the football situations.

I'm glad you said football situations

because you're making out that you're like so hard done by.

No, not at all.

I'm just saying with the football situation,

like I won't watch, you know, everything that's on.

If I watched everything that's on, you'd never see me,

which I think is happening here.

He's obviously watching.

I wouldn't mind that, actually.

I actually wouldn't.

Well, I'll start watching more then.

Go on.

Yeah, I think he just probably needs to just, you know,

not watch absolutely everything.

He's out.

Then perhaps just get off the phone a little bit.

Honestly, unless it's a big game, then I'm all for it.

So what qualifies as a big game?

What depends what he's into.

Obviously he's a Liverpool fan,

so he's going to watch every Liverpool game.

That's fine.

He's watching even lower league teams.

Yeah, but you might be, like you say, into lower leagues.

It's exciting.

You know, it's a different kind of football.

You're just completely contradicted.

No, but I'm saying if it depends what he's into,

he needs to choose what he might not care

about Italian football, but watch it.

So if you don't care as much, just maybe just leave that one out.

I wasn't even going fucking international with this.

I was just talking about English football.

Yeah, well, we don't know.

Are you throwing like foreign games into the mix?

Yeah, lots of people watch Italian Spanish.

They can put this right off.

Literally, you know, if it's like a Champions League

where Italy is playing Liverpool or whatever, that's fine.

Yeah, but you've got like El Clasico

or you've got like, you know, the Milan Derby

or, you know, there's some big games out there

that aren't in the Premier League.

So Germany have some good teams?

Yeah, Bayern Munich, Dortmund,

you've got some good games out there.

What's the, um, Bayern, Bayern?

Yeah, Bayern, Bayern.

You just call them Bayern, don't you?

You can.

I've actually called them Bayern.

He's, oh, it's Bayern.

Bayern and Maneu today.

I actually prefer watching the quarantine.

Yeah, indeed.

I do.

Sure you do.

All right, there's another one.

Hey, both.

I've been with my wife for 10 years now

and she's never been into this.

He didn't give him an answer.

Did we not?

No, I just said he just needs to rein it in a little bit, I think.

Yeah.

And she needs to stop moaning.

I think you should just fuck off with the football

and have some respect.

And spend some nice time with his wife.

She should just give him a break, really.

Go shopping by yourself.

I think she should just take his SIM card out his phone

and say, deal with that.

Yeah, you do that.

If he knew how.

You don't have SIM cards now, do you?

Yeah, you do, actually, I think.

You've got to put that little pin in, haven't you?

I did it for Sophia.

No, I didn't.

I got so proud of myself.

I like Bill Gates.

I thought Bill Gates, who's that?

Steve Jobs.

Yeah, I'll give it to Steve Jobs.

I'll sort that.

OK, next one, honey.

I've been with my wife for 10 years now

and she's never been into fitness.

However, all of a sudden she's found the gym

and now she thinks she's the next Paula Radcliffe.

She's always leaving me with the kids.

Who's Paula Radcliffe?

Yeah, she's one of the best runners we've ever produced.

She's always leaving me with the kids

and going off to the gym most evenings and even weekends.

She's having an affair.

We could be at home as a family

in the middle of a Saturday or Sunday.

Just all of a sudden going,

right, I'm off to the gym after receiving a text.

No, I made that up.

I made that up.

Got a text.

She's also the queen of yo-yo diets,

but now she'll eat something that's not fruit or salad

then be like, oh, I've eaten a biscuit.

I need to go to the gym.

I do go to the gym myself,

but do it first thing when everyone's asleep.

Get it out of the way and not distract anyone.

What should I do?

What again?

It's becoming really annoying.

People don't go to the gym in the middle of the day.

Let's just throw out there.

You just don't.

It's hard enough going in the morning.

I think you've got the kids as well.

Maybe she should perhaps do it

like evening or morning.

All I want to do is do it.

It does feel a bit strange, doesn't it?

Is it strange?

I said an affair when I was reading it.

It does smell of an affair.

I don't know why.

I don't want it to be.

I'm not working out.

I work out.

I started riding again.

Right in the middle of the day.

I've got to go ding, ding, ding.

I've got to go riding.

130, actually.

I sent Peter a video of myself.

Obviously, on the horse.

My lesson.

And Pete just took me back in.

Who is your instructor?

He looked pretty, like, suave.

He had some guns on him.

And he was like, Ab was on the horse.

She sent me a video.

He said, who is your instructor?

She said, you know...

That's Fabio.

Juan Carlos.

His name is Anthony.

Juan Don De Marcos.

But he's married. He's got a husband.

He's got nothing to worry about.

I felt slightly better when he told me he was gay.

I felt slightly better about that.

But I wouldn't have been too happy with it.

You know, like my mate who...

My mate who had the tennis lessons.

Just because he's a hot guy,

it doesn't mean you're going to have an affair with him.

No, it doesn't. But you know what?

Just never know, do you?

But you're more likely to than if he was an ugly guy, aren't you?

That'd point, Ross.

But he definitely didn't fancy me, so, you know...

Maybe I'll have an affair with him then.

Yeah.

I think it's more you I'm worried about than me.

Bloody hell, Pete.

I put the video on my Instagram

and everyone was like, bloody hell, who's your instructor?

He's absolutely dropped dead gorgeous.

But he is. He is gorgeous.

But, you know...

He has got a husband, so he's unavailable.

On every aspect.

But...

But, you know, I could...

If she's got this real passion for the gym,

all of a sudden, he said she hasn't been the gym for 10 years.

You know, I get it. I haven't been horse-riding.

That's what stops me.

No, it doesn't smell to me.

I'm just saying, with me, with the horse-riding,

I came home

and I hadn't stopped smiling like the whole day.

And I said to Pete, you know,

I've fell in love with this again.

I've found my passion and I've never been

as happy in a long time as I was on that horse.

Have I?

You need to... We talked about this before.

You need to have passions, I think.

Like, if a lesson came available,

I would go morning, noon or night to horse-ride,

because I just absolutely love it.

You know, just be...

A horse is literally my favourite animal, as well.

So, to be around horses and learn something and just...

You know, I was so fearful after, like, over 10 years

of not riding a horse

to get back on this incredible horse

and, you know, do something I love.

It just felt so good, so she might be...

You know, she might be enjoying this, you know,

newfound fitness, her body's probably changing,

she's looking great, feeling full of energy

and she might want to go,

we can't just label it a fair.

No, no, no, I agree with you,

because, you know, when you go to the gym...

You can't just write her off with an affair.

When you don't go to the gym for ages,

and then you start going, it's like a drug,

you start enjoying it again, you start going...

I say that to you, don't I?

And I'm like, why are you going to the gym?

Why not?

Because I was thinking you were having an affair

What are you going to the gym for, Pete?

I'm sculpting.

I love you the way you are.

Seriously, look at me.

It's what's inside that counts.

And that's what I love.

The guns, mate. Two tickets for the gun show.

I really offended your sister's boyfriend

and husband, didn't I, with that?

Yeah, you did, you did, actually, yeah.

He's been working on his body for like weeks

in the gym.

And it was after that Viking thing

we were talking about.

Like a picture of the Viking

and then a picture of himself in the mirror.

Terrible idea.

He's looking alright, yeah.

Didn't think he could compare himself to the Viking, does he?

Exactly. And I just burst out laughing.

It was like, as you can imagine.

And I was like, is this the before picture?

And he was like horrified.

And he's like really upset him.

And ever since, he's been

smashing the life out the gym.

I must say, he actually

is looking great.

Sometimes a little bit of

taking the piss at you works.

Yeah, exactly right.

Right, do you want to go?

Do you want to go?

Dear Abby and Peter,

my name is Louis.

I'm 21 years old

and I'm from Germany.

Oh, are you a Bayern fan?

I'm currently single,

but there's this one girl that I can't get out of my

head.

She's three years younger than me

and she's a friend of a friend.

I would like to go out with her, but my last date

took place around four and a half years ago.

So that's why I'm a little nervous and I don't know

how to ask her out properly.

Maybe you guys have some advice from me.

This is one for you.

Because I don't want to lose this opportunity

to go on a date with her just because

I waited too long greetings, Louis.

P.S. I hope my grammar

wasn't too bad and you guys could understand everything.

Oh.

Thank you, Louis.

I just learned a little bit of it.

GCSE German, love that, love that.

GCSE German, don't knock it.

It gets me so far when I'm in Germany.

Yeah, super.

At least second time, 14 with show brown hair.

Go on then.

Well done, well impressed.

Well, yeah.

The only fucking thing I can say.

I don't know why that stuck out to me in

five years of German lessons.

That's all I can say.

Although when I've had a few drinks and surrounded

by Germans I've fluent.

On I though.

No.

French, we're better at French.

I'm better at French.

The Tricolor just comes straight flying back to me.

The Tricolor.

Jean-Claude.

So Louis, 21, he's from Germany

and he's worried about speaking to Liz.

So I think you should ask him out because

I don't think you had a date before you were 21.

Is that correct?

He hasn't had a date before for four years.

He's just got to go for it, isn't he?

It's hard.

When you're that age you get really nervous about it.

I think you build it up in your own head

and worry about things.

Is it a bit in between, are you?

Yeah, he sounds like a nice boy.

Obviously worried about his grammar and things like that.

He worries about things.

He just needs to go and

be himself.

Speak to her.

OK, so I'm Liz and you're

Louis.

Hit on me.

Hi.

Can you go see Bayern?

I love the German accents.

Literally one of my favourites.

Can you go see Bayern with me?

You look German.

No, I think

he's just got a chat to her.

He's got to know how you're doing and what you're up to.

You know, here we go again.

Did I say this is by

wine last week?

Pete's English

foreign accent.

Yeah, you did.

You've just done it again.

I just can't understand it.

What should he say?

Give him a one-liner, Pete.

Can you catch?

There's two balls coming your way.

That would be a spam.

What'd you do?

I said that.

Can you catch?

There's two balls coming your way.

I can't catch, so I'd be like,

no, I can't.

You'd definitely laugh.

That would break the ice.

I don't think you could get it away with that

this day and age.

You'd definitely get away with that.

You know, with all the stuff that's going on.

What about, what about,

I'm here.

What are your other two wishes?

Oh, my God.

No.

Because that's not funny, that one.

Are you tired?

Because you've been running through my mind all night.

Did it hurt

when you fell from heaven?

I'd be like, nobody's this heavy.

You know,

if you can get a laugh and that's a great thing.

Do you like raisins?

No.

About a date.

Say it on my phone.

Your number's not in it.

I think that's what I said to you, didn't it?

What did you say to me when you asked me

for my number?

You came over to me, didn't you?

Then you were like, please, can I have your number?

Never to even like you.

Gorgeous.

I was like, I pissed off.

Can I have a mistile?

So I'll come back to you.

Come back at half two.

Half two?

AM?

It's only midnight.

There's loads of options here.

Cocky today.

It's for you to come up with that.

What?

So easy.

Come back at half two.

That must be a thing that you've actually

discussed with your friends.

Yes, there's options, isn't it?

That's what your options are.

What?

Absolute filth.

Come back at half two.

Half two in the afternoon.

Morning.

You've actually thought of that then?

In a nightclub, though.

It's not half two in the afternoon.

Yeah, I'm quite enjoying these one-liners,

apart from your disgusting ones.

So we should ask our listeners

to give us their best one-line ones.

Yeah, I'm sure there's some absolute boxes here.

Some very...

Keep them classy now, folks.

Keep them classy.

Yeah, or not. We don't have to read them out.

Don't entertain us for a bit.

Okay, so that's the end of the agony abs.

And we'll come to the end of another episode.

We've discussed the importance

of being a godparent

and something which I want to brush up my skills on.

I'm going to take my role more seriously

and hopefully, you know...

They don't die and leave me with more kids.

LAUGHTER

Now, I think what I'm saying is,

obviously the role and how you choose

from that kind of thing, I feel it should be

someone maybe outside the family

that really is close to you

that you trust.

It's almost like a best man

or a made-of-honour kind of thing.

It's like for life.

I think it's a great thing

to be a good honour,

to bestow on someone

and to be.

So hopefully, we can make it like that.

I think we found out a lot today.

We found out you can speak

really good German.

Thank you.

We found lots out.

I've used some of our best chat lines.

We found out that you pick up girls in the club

at half 2am to pick up chicks in the club.

No, I don't.

Which is revolting.

But yeah, I hope you enjoyed a gang.

And we'll see you next week.

See you next week.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Machine-generated transcript that may contain inaccuracies.