The Therapy Crouch: The Power Shift

As soon as the tea stopped, that was, for me, I was like, well, there's no poems anymore.

I don't mean in the beaver sense, but I mean, I don't want fun in the beaver.

It's like, wow, incredible scene.

Hi, and welcome to The Therapy Crouch with me, Abby Clancy.

And me, Peter Crouch. How are you doing this week? Good week?

I'm doing good, huh? How are you?

Yeah, no, I've been feeling good.

Slightly tired and slightly hoarse, actually, because I've had a tough golf trip.

Where to?

Went to France, actually, played a bit golf.

It's lovely. I'm just going to go straight into one while a week, if that's okay.

I'm done with pretending that I'm not tired on these golf trips.

I don't know whether it's like I've gone to another level in our relationship.

Can I just say something?

What?

You don't pretend that you're not tired at all.

You have been a disgrace this week, actually.

This week, like, genuinely.

That was my wine, wasn't it?

You can't just gazzump my wines with your wines.

You don't, you can't, you always do that.

Well, I actually didn't have a wine until I remembered about the golf trip.

You know, you did low drunk.

I just have one rule, and that just texts me before bed.

I've said it before.

Shutted it every single time.

Said it again.

I always did it.

Did it?

But I'm done.

I can't come home and just pretend I haven't drank a million beers.

Can't do it.

Anymore.

I can't do it.

I can't lie anymore.

I just want to be, I just want to be tired.

You're not allowed to be tired, because it's not fair.

I want to come in and I want to go, I love you so much,

but I just want to get some kit.

Yeah, in theory, that sounds okay,

but when I've been on my own with four kids for four days,

you know, when you come back, it's kind of tag.

What are you, what are you saying?

What are you laughing at?

You should just let me be tired.

You should go, God, he's had a long trip there.

Can you go to bed?

I miss you as well when you're gone.

I miss you too.

And so when you come back, I want to have like a bit of fun with you,

and you're so boring.

So Aggie.

That's the quote that I get.

It's like, oh, I bet I get boring, Pete.

I do.

But you were the life and soul out there.

I've seen, I've been through your phone and looked at all your pictures,

and you wear the life and soul.

Literally.

And then you come home.

Wasn't the life and soul.

I enjoyed myself, you know?

Well, that's fine.

But I'd like you to, you know, give me some fun when you come home.

Send the beaver emoji.

I actually sent a beaver emoji on the, on the cab on the way home.

I believe it or not.

I don't mean in the beaver sense, Pete.

Awesome.

I mean, I don't want fun in the beaver.

Just fun in the beaver.

No.

Wow.

It's not fun in the beaver.

No, I'm saying absolutely not that.

I'm saying I want you to have fun with me in a socializing way.

In a socialized capacity.

Yeah, I want you to, like, because we went to a wedding

when it, when he came home, which was incredible.

But, you know, you had no voice.

You didn't, like the, the, the sight of alcohol actually knocked you sick.

And I'm like ready to party.

Party Pete's back now, baby.

Just touch all those beaver emojis, please.

Because, of course, quite a stir.

And quite a lot of people have been in touch with me

saying they've tried it with varying degrees of success.

You know, lots of wives were repulsed.

And, but lots found it funny.

And I feel like happiness is the key to a really good relationship.

I agree.

And I feel like, you know, it doesn't work.

I think that's plain to see.

Because lots of people who've got in touch, it doesn't work.

But it makes me happy.

And, and I think a happy me makes a happy you.

Yeah.

And I think a happy relationship.

So a beaver emoji does work.

Maybe not in the capacity that you think it might.

Yeah, but you, there's not on where, have you ever had, like,

the giggles when you're in bed?

In bed.

I don't want to.

Why do people giggle at me in bed?

You take clothes off and they're like, ah!

No, but you don't want to be, like,

have a fit of giggles when you're in the moment.

Just nothing weird.

No, but you know, it's all the game before, isn't it?

Chasing the tail.

I'm not comfortable with this sex talk on our podcast.

Like, I'm literally sitting with my brother,

and my cousin, and my husband.

My daddy.

Just sort of praise.

I've never said chasing the tail.

It's quite a good one though.

I enjoyed it.

Isn't that when you're trying to get a girlfriend?

Yeah, so I mean, that's the whole beaver, the bobbeaver emoji is about.

Bobbeaver?

The beaver emoji.

Anyway, there's lots of people who got in touch that didn't realise it was even an option.

So, we're enlightening people.

Because people who are actually not sick in the head

probably didn't know that a beaver...

Everyone knows what a beaver is, surely.

If you don't, I don't want to even know you.

Don't listen.

If you don't know, don't listen.

I'd like some people to send in their beaver emoji texts from their husbands, DM me with them.

I've had quite a few.

So, we can ridicule them on our part.

We had a loved one recently.

I think I took a screenshot of it, actually, because I was quite impressed with it.

It was this one.

From Sha.

My husband says things like, you're in for it tonight.

And it knocks me sick.

Oh, it's not a word.

It's like when men think they're sexy and they're just not.

It's like...

You're getting it all right.

One of those and like, shut up.

It reminds me of them.

Have you seen Bridesmaids, where she's in bed with the man

and he just grabs a boob and he's like, do you like that?

And she's like, and he's like, looking at her.

Yeah, looking at her.

And she's like...

Oh, God.

Fun and games.

Fun and games, anyway.

Humans are strange things.

But get in touch with them.

I'm really enjoying them, you know.

So keep getting in touch.

Because you're a child.

So, Ross, you've had a rare...

Our Ross sending us pictures of his little pot.

Pottery making.

Again, pottery making.

Whole small organic weekend.

Was that...

Did you consider that like, kind of ghost?

Ghost, yeah.

Ghost foreplay.

100%.

Is that what you were thinking about?

I was bringing our booze as well.

So we were a little bit married.

Bring your own boobs.

Flicking...

Yeah, and booze.

Flicking, cladding each other, getting on the wheel.

Wet and wild.

Yeah.

I saw them, though.

Yours was quite good, actually.

Thank you.

Shit.

Are you messing?

I thought yours was horrific.

Are you joking?

It was all wonky.

It had a dent in the rim.

It had a tiny dent in it.

I don't mind a dent in my rim.

I'm often puttin' dents in rims.

This podcast has taken us serious...

How aggressive is your weekend?

Serious turn to the dark side.

Seriously, aggressive weekend.

No, so Ross has been making pottery all weekend.

We've been to a wedding, which was incredible.

Do we touch on the penguins?

Oh, yeah.

Something I've never seen before.

Do you know what I love the way our kids call penguins?

Penguins.

How cute is that?

Yeah, he's cute.

Penguins.

You need to put that in the notes.

Yeah.

I've got quite a few.

You know, like how kids pronounce words.

It's so cute you don't want to correct them.

I didn't want to forget them either.

So I've actually wrote them down.

Pio.

Johnny has his Pio.

Is that a pillow that he carries around?

Yeah.

Obviously, I don't know where it is.

But I do write them down.

I do write them down.

So, yeah, this wedding.

We're all sittin' in the...

Was it a church?

Was it a chapel?

And the bride and groom were at the altar.

And walkin' the rings was two penguins.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe it.

Absolutely gorgeous.

Can you smell?

No.

But I did think it was some of the fish who's goin' around.

I love how much laughter I get for that shit, Joe.

That is a bell sign.

I thought you were one of the funniest things you've ever said.

So, Pete, this is an exciting week for you.

Will you move? Are you coming out?

I know you don't really like...

I don't like talking about it because I'd...

Like I say, you know, at the start of the film,

you think Alex Ferguson, Usain Bolt, kind of, you know,

Mike Tyson, Roger Federer, Tiger Woods,

you feel like these people should have films.

I feel like...

Are you laughing?

No, because I feel slightly embarrassed

that, you know, there's a film, but...

Baby of the Nation, sweetheart.

It is actually, like, a great film.

I've watched it. I'm really proud of it.

I think it's great. I loved it.

I'm really pleased with it, yeah.

So...

Yeah, but you're like...

I think you're putting yourself down a bit there because, you know,

it's this kind of an underdog tone to this movie.

But you're not really an underdog, because let's face it...

My journey was different.

Your journey was different.

But every child, well, every little boy in the country

wants to be a footballer and plays football on the weekend.

There's thousands.

There's only 11 spots in that England squad.

And you made it.

So I wouldn't put yourself down.

Like, that's an incredible achievement.

You can't play to that elite level

if you didn't have something special, which you did.

Like, think of how many kids are desperate to be a footballer.

Some kids are even good enough,

but still don't make it, and you did.

Yeah. Yeah, no, I get that.

But, like, there's so many footballers, do you know what I mean?

Like, and I know there's a few with films,

but no, it's because my journey was so different, I think.

You know, it was tough for me at the start,

because it looked different and things like that.

Now you're a sex, you're flying in life, smashing life.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm a strong six now, and I'll take that every day of the week.

I'd take a sixth, yeah.

I wouldn't take a sixth.

Well, just get it.

You look at Adam.

Yeah, so, no, I mean, I mean, I wouldn't be happy

about being called a six, I'm saying.

She didn't actually.

She started with a four and upgraded into a six, but no more.

She's a perfect ten.

You're a ten.

Thanks, hon.

You are a ten.

No, I'm not. I'm not even a six myself.

Personality-wise, I agree, but...

But looks off a scale.

Okay.

I'd say ten for personality and five for lust.

You're strong. You're an absolute ten.

But it's the barometer, isn't it, of madness.

You know, they obviously, when you're ten, you're obviously ten crazy.

When you're a one, you're like ten personality.

Oh, yeah, that's correct, yeah.

You know what I mean?

That's great, you know.

So it just all goes like that.

So when you're a ten, you're obviously barking mad about you.

And then, obviously, there's a summer in the middle.

So you're saying every ten out of ten girl is mental?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fact. That's a scientific fact.

Why are you all thumbs up?

That's why I only go for fives.

It's a stop.

No, there's half your medium somewhere.

There's like a six.

So it's a five. Five personality and five.

No, because you get, I think you get like an eight.

Like a sweet spot.

It's like the Goldilocks zone, you know, just right.

I think there's a bit about it, I said it.

The Goldilocks zone.

Just right.

Yeah, because there's the unicorn zone, isn't there?

Which like, that fucking doesn't exist.

Which is the unicorn.

So it's like ten looks.

But like, with a ten personality, unicorn zone, doesn't exist.

Have you not seen that?

Federer explain it.

He's literally got a chart in front of him.

He explains it all.

Do you follow Unilad?

Have you not seen that?

No, Unilad can fuck off.

I bet you're, he's fucking ugly.

Is he?

Is Unilad a natural person?

Oh, I don't know.

Do you mean Ladd Bible?

No, it's about something, it's similar.

No, he's just explaining, you know, the marriage.

It's the same in all honesty.

It's like the flip side is like good looking and rich for men.

So you have a good looking rich.

So you take a good looking one, but you're usually less rich.

Or you have a really like rich fella who can go with a sort of four looks.

No.

Do you know what I mean?

So I've just got an insight into what you actually talk about

when you're out with the guys.

No, this is, this is, this is out.

This is out there.

It's not me saying it.

This is someone else said it.

No, I think that's totally derogatory.

I don't, I don't, I don't like how men are scaling women

in personality and looks.

Well, that isn't that what dating's about.

No.

You, you obviously personality and looks are a huge,

are a huge factor in dating, surely.

People on Tinder, you look at people's pictures and then you meet them

if the personality is good, you go out with them.

I think the worst thing one could, one could be called is boring.

Can you imagine like going to like a dinner or something and someone being terrified

to sit next to you because you're boring?

Yeah. That is, that is a disaster.

You'd rather be a...

How do people become boring?

People are born like that, aren't they?

Well, there's people that are nervous around other people.

No, nervous, nervous is a different thing.

Yeah, but you know, if you're introvert...

I don't mind nervous.

That's what I'm saying, but you, if you're introvert,

you could come across as boring when you're not, you're just a bit shy.

No, I don't, I don't think so.

I actually like being around nervous people

because I always make them feel comfortable.

I hate people, someone feeling like nervous.

Yeah, I don't like that either.

They're not normal like that.

It's not nice, is it?

No.

You're just talking about someone quite talkative but boring as fuck.

Yeah.

Talks a lot about the Russian resolution.

That's interesting.

I genuinely haven't got one boring mate.

Just thinking of them.

Maybe you're the boring mate.

Maybe I'm, maybe it's me.

Do you know what it is me?

Because all my friends are so loud, I'm actually the quiet one.

Some group that.

I actually went round, right, to...

You went out with the girls and I went round to pick up up

and they were all talking.

At the same time and listening as well.

I was like, how are you all talking?

Because we can multitask.

And still be having a conversation.

All talking at the same time.

No one was listening.

Like, I was like, what is going on?

I'm not grounded, I was sober.

But I was like, wow.

Incredible scenes.

But I think she is boring.

Am I the boring one?

And I just turn around, she's yawning her head off.

Yawning is funny, aren't they?

Yeah, funny, aren't they?

You know how rude they are, like...

You know your psychopath, if you don't yawn back.

I just didn't yawn back at all there.

My jaw's feeling like it wants to move though.

I love yawning.

It's a nice feeling.

It's a nice feeling, like...

You know what I think about the yawn beforehand?

It doesn't...

State of ecstasy almost.

I can feel it now.

I'm like, close.

She's just making me want to yawn.

Close to yawning.

I don't know if it's a yawn or an orgasm.

God take it where you get it these days.

Stop laughing like that, will ya?

You're laughing like fucking...

Big, gaspy laugh?

I can't help it.

Motley?

I've got a big, gaspy, matley laugh.

I don't know what I can do with it.

Can you not even talk it?

You're not even talking, you're just going...

Watching somebody's back, actually, is distressing for me.

It really is.

It really is.

I like laughing and I have a great time doing it.

But the way I laugh is fucking disgraceful.

It's awful, isn't it?

I love y'all.

It's so like...

I don't know what it is.

Goofy?

Goofy, yeah.

It's such a goofy laugh.

It's so goofy, isn't it?

You've seen that girl doing the memes on us.

Oh my God, like the way she does it.

She's nailed it.

I mean, shit, like the way she's doing me

is the way you were doing me.

Like, so derogatory.

Oh, that is me.

I've watched it back and it's nailed on.

It's going on.

You just need to like wake up a bit.

Be cooler.

No, you're as cool as fuck.

You just need...

You're making me feel self-conscious.

This isn't what therapy is about.

Oh my God.

Do you know what?

I feel like people are actually doing this at home now,

the weekly wine.

Yeah.

Getting a wine.

Nice glass.

Drink or not, it doesn't matter.

But just getting a nice glass of wine,

getting things off the chest.

Or a nice soft drink.

Soft whatever you want to do, do you know what I mean?

Or a nice vegan sandwich.

Just whatever you're into.

Just whatever you're into.

Nice vegan sausage.

Go.

Just do it.

You know, do what you want.

You know, get it off your chest.

And then have you here.

You've got some wine and you're not an alcoholic,

it's a bit tough.

And just get it, like, move on from it.

Let's get into them.

I don't want to bare grudges.

Hey, people who bare grudges.

It's easy to just, right, admit you're wrong.

Own it.

Own it.

Yeah.

Well, let's get into them.

Got a few here.

Giggles?

My biggest bug there.

Sorry.

My biggest bug there, I've put a wash on for you there, love.

I've put the bins out for you.

I've washed my pubes out, washed my pubes out the bath for you.

For me, little plebs, a lot of them.

Like, what, why?

Little plebs.

She said little plebs, a lot of them.

Like, why are you saying that, basically?

For me, yeah.

I know.

It's like what you say to me.

I've minded the kids all day for you.

And I'm like, the your kids?

Like, you haven't minded anyone, you haven't done anything for me?

The your kids?

You always say that?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Have I said that?

No, I'd say I've just put the bins out, not for you.

No, I ask you to take the bins out.

Or I have said, I've done the dishwasher there for you.

Yeah.

I probably have said that once, but not much.

You did that sandwich thing this morning,

so I made him a bacon butty and gave it to him.

Is this mine, babe?

No, Pete?

You're cute.

You're a knob.

Realize that now.

Do you want to read this one?

Okay.

Why do hotel hair, oh, I thought you were going to say,

why do they never have a nozzle?

Hotel hairdryers never have a nozzle.

Why do hotel hairdryers always have a button that has to be pressed

in the entire time whilst using it?

It's like we can't be trusted to turn it off at the end

once we have finished.

It really impurates me.

Oh, yeah.

I kept that though.

Like people do, because it's not their house,

they treat it differently.

Yeah.

So I get that.

And they must have done it for a reason.

There must be stats on the fact that they must leave it on.

You must go out and go out.

I'll just leave that on and just walk out of the room.

A lot of people aren't considered it, aren't they?

I think that is a problem with probably society.

If you haven't paid for some sun,

you don't respect it or cherish it as much as if it was your own.

Yeah, like you turn the lights out and things like that.

That's why they have to have that little key on the way out

if to take it with you.

Oh, yeah.

So all the lights go off,

because you just leave all the lights on and go out.

You wouldn't do that in your own house.

No.

But you do it in there.

So they have to trick you.

They have to tease you.

If you want to get back in, you ought to turn the lights off.

Take that key out.

You know, it's like the children,

but you obviously need to do it.

Which is a shame, but where we are.

I always take my own hairdryer on holiday, though,

because it's not on wear.

Do you find that?

Do you have to keep the button in?

No, it is true.

But I usually bring my own,

because they normally have a nozzle,

and I need a nozzle to make it slicker.

I'd like to cheers on the wines there.

I will be less harsh on you

when you come back from your golf trips.

Do you know what, I'll drink a little bit less.

You work definitely well.

Sorry, you can't lie in the wines.

Yeah, okay.

Well, I'll just try and be a better person all round.

I'll try and bring a different laugh next week.

Well, you've got a year to prove this theory,

because you've done this year's worth of golf trips.

This year's, I'm panning, aren't I?

Yeah.

We're going to go away together,

and I might just play golf then a few times.

Just fine.

I won't go with you then.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Are you well?

So, in the last week we talked about,

you said, you know, as soon as you get engaged,

there's a power shift.

But I want to talk about that power shift in more detail,

because I think that's quite an unfair comment to make,

because I feel like females make a lot of sacrifices as well

for their husbands, like for you.

Like when we got engaged,

I left all my family and friends,

and was up and down the country,

and on my own, I had no friends.

And I also don't understand why the men has to retain the power.

Why can't it be a mutual thing?

I think anyone who knows, as I would say,

I have absolutely no power.

I think that's unfair.

And also, I was hoping that it would just go away this one,

really, but it seems to have gained some traction.

Yeah, it has, because there's a lot of info out there for women

on how to look after their men, tips for women,

how to look after their men.

But I want to know, how do men take care of their women?

How do they make them feel special?

Like, what do you do?

Well, I think everything's geared up, really,

to make the woman feel special.

You know, there's days every week,

valentines, anniversaries, Christmas birthdays,

Christmas, Christ's birthday, Pete.

Are you saying that's for a woman?

Well, I just feel like you do...

I didn't even get a fucking present on Christ's birthday.

Just feel like you claim most of them, do you know what I mean?

Feel like you have a lot of days.

So...

No, but realistically, like, you know,

it's all good and well, saying to a woman,

put a pretty bow in your hair,

make sure the house is clean.

What we read out last week was from the 1930s.

Yeah, but I do think a lot of men still kind of expect

that kind of treatment.

Do not, at all.

Are you joking?

The way the world is now, it's...

You would...

That just does not go on.

I don't even mean...

If it does, it's wrong.

I don't even mean...

No, it's not completely wrong,

because I do like to do nice things for you.

Yeah, and I like to do nice things for you.

So what, like, what?

That's not my skin.

Erm, well, what was your life?

I'm not talking about...

I'll do anything for you.

I'll do anything but die for you.

Cut my arm off if you ask me to.

No, I'm talking about, like, things,

I don't mean buying things, or, you know...

As you're...

You're...

What do I...

You're silent.

...ease us to live by, you know, like...

Make you happy at all times.

I do like making your dinner and, you know,

making sure all your clothes are nice and, you know,

the house is nice and doing nice things together

as a family with the kids, you know,

ways that I think, oh, Pete, you'd like that,

and you'll feel special.

Yeah, that's how I feel, like...

So what do you do?

I like little trips.

I like, like, little...

Like, going out for dinner, or like a nice lunch,

or I think, you know what, I'll just...

Today, I've got a day off, I'm going to just take her to town.

No, you know, there's a bit of give and take,

like, sometimes I do like to play golf as well,

and so, you know, do things...

No, but, like, that guy left the, like,

the little packet of crisps on the bed and stuff,

like, what little things you go...

If you see something go, oh, Abby, I'd like that,

or just how to treat a woman to keep her in love with you.

What are your top tips for that?

My top tips.

I think make you feel special as much as I can every day,

like little compliments, like, you know,

for instance, now, I've just noticed how radiant you look today.

God. I literally...

Sorry, I apologise.

I just thought...

I just thought...

I just say radiant.

I actually apologise for my look today.

I've literally got a trek in.

No, stop being a tit.

No, Bea, I'm asking you, like, seriously.

I'm telling you, I'm saying seriously, I think, like, surprises.

So why do you think I'm still in love with you after all this time?

Do you think you've had a role to play in that?

Is it a B for emojis?

And if so, what do you think it is?

Now, I'm just saying, I'm trying to be nice.

I think the reason...

How... How does...

I think I could do more in that department,

and I think you bringing it up now is actually embarrassing me

and making me feel like I haven't done...

I love for you recently.

Like, in that department.

Like, surprise, it's taking you out.

We've been incredibly busy and I probably haven't,

but we've got a little trip coming up this weekend

which we're excited about.

Yeah, so...

No, but I'm just saying, like, what do you think,

like, makes a marriage less...

Like, things that you notice?

Like, because when you come home,

there are things that you notice that I do for you.

Yeah.

You know, like, pick up all this stuff from your wardrobe,

make everything nice.

But you...

You're like...

You're doing that for you.

Do you know what I mean?

You're not doing that for me.

You're not saying I want to do...

I'm doing it because you like a clean house.

Right, and in turn, it, you know, makes me...

It makes me happy as well.

You're not doing it for me, are you?

Yeah.

As if.

Choking.

Pack your bag.

Yeah, what? Pack my bag?

I've just thought of my wine, actually.

Go on.

It's late.

It's late to the party.

What is this coming for me episode?

It's no...

Making me feel uncomfortable episode.

Is that what we're going to call this one?

We're trying...

We're trying to determine the reason behind a successful...

The reason we work is because we get on.

We get on great.

When I come home, I can't wait to see it

and tell you about my day and have a laugh about it.

And then...

Why do I think that?

You're taking the piss?

No, I'm being so deadly, deadly serious.

Like, honestly.

Like, I didn't generally think I probably

could do a little bit more for you.

Like, when I say like, like recently,

we just haven't been able to get out

and get away from the kids, have we at all?

We've not been able to be a couple properly.

So I think there's a bit of that.

But I genuinely love coming home and telling you about...

If something funny happens, I'm like,

oh, my God, I would love that.

She would laugh at me.

Or, you know, I come home to your smile.

I do like that.

I like it.

Your scowl.

Or your scowl.

I like that as well.

But like, we get on is the main thing.

I obviously fancy you like crazy,

but we get on great.

And we enjoy having a conversation,

even if it's a problem,

working through that problem together.

It's my favourite kind.

You love it.

You love a problem.

I think you actually prefer a problem

than me to come home and tell you something funny.

100%.

You'd rather me come over the problem.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's fucking weird.

Like, some problems.

I'm a problem solver.

Critical thinker.

Yeah, that's what I like to...

That is strange.

If you, I would not...

I don't like problems.

I'd say you do.

No, I like fixing problems.

There's a difference.

I don't want problems.

I like drama, not problems.

I like drama, not problems.

That's a woman thing, isn't it?

Like, in general.

Like, it's specifically you as well.

Which?

Just like drama and problems.

So, there is like, in a room full of men, right?

And if 10 men and 10 women,

you put them in a room like big brother, right?

How many more problems are women going to have than the men?

Like, in 100 rooms?

What do you mean?

Percentage would be like, 89%, I'd say.

You think it's meant women are more intelligent

so that therefore, like, their minds are working double time.

You think they're more intelligent?

Why would they want to create an atmosphere in a room that's stuck in?

No, we don't want to create problems.

You do?

I beg to differ.

No, when you're saying I love problems,

I...

You come home with a lot...

You come with baggage.

You come with a lot of baggage.

You are literally baggage central.

And I have to fix everything?

It's about baggage.

You, you of all people.

I'm not baggage.

Look at that.

Baggage.

How am I baggage?

No, you just create problems.

Like, sometimes where there is none.

This has come from how do you think our relationship has survived 16 years

and, you know, thinking about the nice little touches.

Like, remember you used to write me, like, little love letters

and put them in my bag and always leave me notes and poems?

Yeah.

Like, we, those type of things we both don't do anymore.

Like, you just go to the shop and, like, to get milk

and then come back with, like, a little I love you card.

I got you on the other day.

Do you remember?

I didn't remember.

I didn't get one.

I did.

From Copham, from that bloody...

Whatever it's called, the shop and it's got all the little cards

and it said, I love you on it, the little tiny one,

when we got Sophia the stone for the magic stone for our exam.

Crystal.

Well, I've noticed a few things.

I've noticed, you know, for instance, you'll make yourself a coffee in the morning

and not a tea for me.

What's all that about?

Yeah, because tea's just ag.

Tea's ag.

She doesn't do cocktails.

She said, you know what?

Oh, my God.

Tea's ag.

You just said.

Tea's ag.

This is where we're going wrong, Sonia.

We're not going wrong.

As soon as the tea stopped, that was...

For me, I was like, well, there's no poems anymore.

So, you know, we talked about the 1950s, Hamburg, how to...

Yeah, yeah.

There's always a lot of emphasis.

We've never had the end of it, yeah.

So there's always a lot of emphasis on how to look after your man

and keep your man happy.

But us women are feeling a little bit left out.

So some of our female listeners have been in touch

and they've compiled a little list of how we'd like to be treated by our men.

Okay, enlighten me.

See, I like...

You used to open the door every time for me.

I used to always open the door for you.

No, you need all the bags and everything in the car.

Now you're just lying.

I would never, ever.

I would always open the door for you.

I would always carry your bag if it's heavy.

I would always...

I would like to think that I would...

I would always be a gentleman.

You don't even let me in the bloody umbrella anymore.

That's not true.

I'll give you one, brother.

You're going to have to coat off my back unless it's raining.

Okay.

Greet your wife at the door after the school run with a hot coffee

and your credit card so she can go shopping for the day.

See, who's stereotyping now?

That mean?

Always put the toilet seat down and don't leave dribbles.

Yeah, I'd always do that.

You are quite hygienic, Pete, to be fair to you.

Thank you.

Pick up your socks and undies from the floor.

Yeah, I'll do that.

I want some more, like,

gesturey stuff instead of just cleaning.

Never mind that she takes too long to get ready.

Hair making and effort should fill you with pride.

In fact, you should help her get ready

by standing with the outfit choices

and offering complimentary bags and shoes

while saying how beautiful she looks.

I think I do all that, to be honest, anyway.

Yeah, you do, actually.

Rule one.

Let's stand there with a load of bags.

Yeah, go.

I think the Chinoa one.

I think the green.

I'm just around, and I'll say, yeah, that is great.

You're the worst person to ask for advice,

because you just say everything looks good,

so I don't trust your opinion.

What am I supposed to say?

Everything does look good on you.

Thanks, babes.

It does.

Rule one.

A good house husband needs to respect the rules of the housewife.

She is always right.

That's one of Abby's quotes.

Remember, I am always right.

And when she is right, she'll do that one.

Told you.

Always right.

Yeah, but it's, you know, proved me wrong.

Sawie pie.

You're wrong all the time.

But I just am not one of those people who would say,

like, you were wrong that time, weren't you?

Put your dirty plates in the dishwasher

instead of leaving it near the dishwasher.

Two.

Don't shave and then leave the sink looking

like an Alsatian has shed her hair in there.

Yeah, okay.

Get a squat box.

Invest in a squat box.

Highly recommended.

Three.

Don't ask where something is before looking for it

if you have eyes of your own.

Yeah, but the thing is with that one

is that you put things away.

But everything's got place.

Yeah, exactly.

So you know where that place is.

And I don't.

That's what I'm saying is if I ask you,

it's going to save me, like, 10 minutes of looking.

But I could do...

Is you put it away?

I could give you a guided tour of where everything is.

But, like, it's just this quick one, isn't it?

It's just, like, babe, where's my jumper?

And you'll say, there.

And I'll go, great.

I'll just go in there rather than wasting time.

Okay.

It's okay, isn't it?

Don't let your mood be determined by 11 men

running around for 90 minutes.

Yeah.

Well, I think it's different when you're playing.

It's your job.

That's like, you know, if things are going badly at work,

it doesn't affect you.

It's difficult.

She's talking about her husband being a football fan.

Fan, I know.

That's what I mean.

So if, like...

So, yeah, I think...

If, like, man, you lost again.

They haven't lost again.

Nobody in history ever went out for one pint,

grow up, and just say you're going out for 17 of them.

Yeah.

I think this is something that men need to work on better, actually.

Can't say you're having one more beer.

I've realised that actually makes things a lot worse.

Say you're going to have 10 more and have five more.

Yeah.

Undercut it.

But I've realised, and then you just...

Like, last night, Pete went to play golf yesterday,

and he said, oh, I'm just having a drink and some food after this.

I was like, oh, God, this is going to be an all-nighter.

And it was literally chaos at home.

Fed all the kids.

Clean the kitchen.

Bath.

All the homework done.

It was, like, mayhem.

And Pete said, and then I finished everything.

I thought I'll have a glass of wine.

It's out in the garden, and Pete turned up.

And I was like, I wasn't expecting a minute.

It looked like she was sitting outside having a glass of wine.

And I was like, if you would have come here five minutes before,

and it will have seen the chaos.

I like the story.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Always the way.

I've got the cameras on my phone.

And it's honestly like so I can see her, right?

And she'll go, I'll say, what are you up to, babe?

She'll say, I'm just bathing the kids.

I've been absolutely manic here.

And obviously, on the camera, I can see directly to where she's sitting outside,

having a little glass of vino.

All the kids are like, nowhere.

She goes, I was been manic.

And then I can actually speak to her on the camera and go like, lying bitch.

Do you know what?

That's the first time in my life you've called me a bitch.

I did it for comedic value.

I didn't do it for...

It's nowhere.

Pete's never, ever called me a bitch.

Are we not, are you?

I love you.

I love you.

I don't know if this qualifies to one, but a good husband thing to do is to not say,

you go out and I'll have some me time.

How about you take the kids somewhere and let me be alone?

I would say they want me to take the kids somewhere and you be on your own.

Lots of women like that.

I don't think you do.

Which?

To be on their own.

So like if I take all the kids out, I don't know if you'd like that.

If I've got something to do, say if it was like,

I don't know, like...

When it's empty of wardrobe, isn't it?

You fuck off.

You'd like doing that.

You always do it.

You enjoy it.

You do.

So why are you...

Look at that face, how angry it is.

Yeah, because you've just got a goofy laugh and a paranoid about it.

You're trying to put me down.

I've got a goofy laugh.

Empty, go and empty your wardrobe.

How about now?

Genuinely, you enjoy doing it.

Enjoy emptying your wardrobe.

I know I do, but I don't want to do that today.

I'm just saying.

On my day off, when you're taking the kids on this occasion,

I'm not going to empty my wardrobes.

So what are you going to do on this day?

No, sometimes, you know, if we've got people coming round

and I want the house to remain clean,

I'll say, Pete, you take the kids out

and I'll, like, start the dinner and all of that.

What would you do if I said on this Saturday,

I'm going to take all the kids out

and you woke up and you went, oh.

I'd go riding.

Would you?

Nice.

Hopefully on a horse.

I went out this weekend.

I took...

Fingers crossed.

You carry on, boy.

Yeah.

So, yeah.

I would like to add a few little points to this.

I just think making a woman feel special,

like leaving a little love letter or a little note.

It's the small things.

It's the small things that make a big difference.

Impromptu date.

A little impromptu.

It doesn't have to be, like, somewhere flashy,

just, like, come in and go...

Me and you go in the cinema tonight.

Can I just say one thing on that?

Like, I totally agree with you

and I could definitely do more of this

and I think that I will do more of this.

I actually am feeling a bit neglected at the moment

and I'm actually not joking.

It's like I've been away for three days.

It's like, I'm back now.

I'm going to make you feel good.

Okay?

Like, my thing is,

because you like to be in control of everything, right?

If I say we're doing this, you will always say we're not...

How can I say we're not doing a surprise?

No, that's what I'm saying.

Like, I'll just go right with, you know,

pack your bags or something, you know,

I can't pack it like this.

Like, you want to be able to...

I can't surprise you because you always have to know.

I absolutely love surprises and I've never had them.

If you say that but, like, if I try to surprise you,

like, no, because you don't...

You can't cope with not knowing.

What is happening?

It's so true.

I can't... I find it really hard to surprise you

because you get nose and everything.

Don't surprise me.

I don't get upset.

I love... I like surprising you,

but it's hard to surprise you because you don't allow it.

Okay.

I'm not... Listen, I swear to you,

you're going to get a little note tonight.

I'm going to draw the B for the mood.

I was going to say that but I decided against it.

Okay. Agonyab.

Yeah, let's get into Agonyab.

You know, these are great, aren't they?

I want a jingle for Agonyab.

Yeah.

Agonyab.

I'd like a little jingle.

I feel like this segment's, like, going places.

It's popular.

It's poppin'.

Send in your jingles.

It's www.therapyhouse.com or get involved.

Send in your jingles and we'll...

I'll tell you what, let's put a listener on the jingle.

Depends how good they are.

Yeah, if you crap, we'll just have it as normal.

So, Agonyab.

Is that going to be the jingle?

If someone sent that in, that would not be on our podcast.

Okay. I'd like a jingle.

As good as your voice is.

I'd like a jingle for this section.

Yeah, be good, yeah. Get them in.

Okay. Good morning, Pete and Abby.

I hope you are both well.

I've never had a wet dream

and I feel like I've been wronged in my life.

Why are you speaking so harshly?

It just helps me. Shut up.

I shall turn 42 this year

and I have yet to crash the yoga truck in my sleep, dreaming of someone...

Hold on, hold on.

Did he just say crash the yoga truck?

Yeah. The yoga truck.

I shall turn 42 this year

and I have yet to crash the yoga truck in my sleep,

dreaming of some naughty old song.

Have you heard of any tips or rumours that might instigate one?

Thank you for your time.

Bobby from Canberra.

Have we saved a nun?

I just give his full name and address.

Wow, sir. Fair play, Bobby.

I can't help you with this one, Bobby.

Sorry. Over to you, Pete.

You're not helping, really?

No. How can I help with that?

You're not crashing the yoga truck.

I refuse to comment on this.

I'm not sure I feel comfortable with this.

42's a bit old, isn't it?

Something you'll have when you're like 13.

Nothing wrong with 42's a bit old.

Yes.

42's a bit old.

Nothing wrong with that.

All works fine.

I don't know.

I dream the special dreams again, really.

Pity, crotch.

Stick with it, Bobby. Let's move on.

You should just probably go to bed watching a nice film.

A nice film.

Yeah.

Then fall asleep and it might happen.

Hi, Pete. Just moved in with my girlfriend.

Having a TV in the bedroom is a big no from her.

I've always had one in my room since I was a kid,

so I tend to stay up late and watch the telly.

I'm into this.

I think not having a telly would be good.

Genuinely. I think you'd read or...

Well, our kids don't have them, do they?

No, I think it's a good thing, personally.

Do they? Do they do now?

It was a lie, yeah.

But we do.

We've only just got the tellies in the room?

Because I was like, no way are they having tellies.

No, but I thought Sophia could have a television in her room

because she's getting old and her friends come round.

She wants to.

Yeah. I'm all for this.

But then, of course, I fall asleep downstairs.

And when I come up at like 12,

we're getting to bed as quietly as I can.

She wakes up, looks at me and goes,

you've woken me up. I'm fuming.

And then we have to murder for about three weeks.

How can I tackle this?

Cheers, Josh.

Dumper. Dumper.

It's pain in the arse.

Dumper. Wow.

Pain in the arse.

All right, pain in the arse.

This one, Josh.

Well, I think that's a bit harsh, isn't it?

If you like to watch...

This is what we said about, like, even the kind of Netflix,

like, when you watch at night,

you need to be on the same page, otherwise you...

You're never on my page.

Well, no, I just have to be on your page.

You put on whatever you like and I just have to watch it.

No, you don't.

That's the truth.

You always want to turn the telly off sooner than me.

Well, I agree with, like, I would like to, you know,

not have a telly in the bedroom.

Like, watch telly downstairs.

Honestly.

I hate watching telly downstairs.

I just think you get a clean up, nice asleep

if you don't watch telly before bed.

I think if you go downstairs,

if you sit downstairs and watch telly

and then you nod off on the couch,

when you go back up to bed, you can't sleep.

I said to you today, didn't I, about, like,

you should leave your phone even downstairs.

Like, when we were playing football,

we had a sleep coach that came in who said,

obviously, the sleep is everything recharges.

Like, you can recover as much as you want,

do ice baths, but, like, actually sleep

is when your body's repairing itself.

I really want a nice bath.

Like, in, like, they're supposed to be amazing for you.

Well, yeah, I've been doing them all my life.

So, I could tell you the benefits if you like.

I've noticed people are getting them in the houses now,

like, in the garden.

I would absolutely, Holly's,

Holly Willoughby's got one in her's.

Yeah, you feel amazing with them.

Absolutely unbelievable.

But, like, the sleep is actually more important.

So, like, and they said to us, when you look at devices,

any kind of devices, like, it really, really affects your sleep.

I would love to read in bed,

but then we're not talking to each other.

Well, I could read to you in bed.

Like Romeo and Juliet.

I would have to write a fucking poem then, wouldn't I?

That book I read on holiday was incredible.

I read it in one day.

It is good. I'd like to be a reader.

It was called The Three Lost Girls or something like that.

Sounds great.

I actually didn't read the front of the book,

so I actually don't know what it's called.

My sister gave it to me, but it was an amazing,

it was amazing.

She read that in, like, two days.

No, one day?

One day.

Loved it.

Loved it.

But you get a cut one if I have a good book.

Well, I just miss out on your bubbly personality, don't I?

My boyfriend always gets annoyed

when I try to help him out in the kitchen,

getting aggy and frustrated when cooking.

But when it's the other way round and I cook,

I try to make it less stressful, yet he makes it bad.

What do I do?

There's not been one meal time that's peaceful.

R.I.P.

Too many cooks sport the broth.

It's an age I was saying, but I agree with that as well.

Like, when I, like, very rarely like...

Oh, you hate me getting on.

I can't stand it.

Yeah, but why?

Because you know, like, obviously,

you have your way of doing things.

I'll have my way of doing things.

But, like, you'll come in and go,

that's wrong, that's wrong, you're doing that wrong.

You've got to do this.

That's got to be in for 10 more minutes.

That's undercooked.

Like, you know, just let me cook it.

Okay, will you make dinner tonight then, babes?

Because if not...

And I'll go and read my book in bed

whilst after I've taken the telly off the wall.

Okay?

Smart ass, aren't ya?

Smart Alec.

I will cook dinner tonight, and it'll be phenomenal.

You're working tonight, so you won't be.

I'm making tigerine curry tonight.

Shit, so I'm going to miss that.

Do you cook in my favourite one?

I'm not here.

Give you any toes.

It's a bit harsh.

Yeah, I think leave...

Quite often, it's the causes problems.

I don't agree with that.

I think it's a nice thing to cook together.

It's a nice idea.

It's like taking the kids out altogether.

Maybe because someone, like...

It's a lovely idea.

I wouldn't get annoyed if you were, like, trying to help me.

Like, at all.

If I criticised you, you would start getting angry.

But you wouldn't criticise me.

No, but if I said to you, you know, that's wrong.

You should do it like this.

But that's not helping.

That's how you help me, though.

She could get him cooking classes.

And then he leans, and then he's not a shit cook anymore.

And then she wouldn't have to help him.

I would love to do that.

That's what we should...

As one of our things, just to save our relationship.

Save our relationship.

We should, um...

As I was.

We should do, um, like, an activity together.

Like, cooking lessons, or...

No, not golf.

Perfect.

Nailed it.

Now, something that's mutual...

Like a mutual ground that we both don't know anything about

and don't really want to do.

Yeah, something like that.

We tried that.

We tried to learn a language together.

We had this one.

He's fucking holding me back.

This is literally what she said.

Right, so, uh...

He was like, what?

The girls asked.

That's beyond, though.

That's too much.

That's too much, though.

That was, um, butchage.

Don't keep that in there.

That was so funny.

People need to know what she's really like.

That's so funny.

That's harsh, though.

No, you were genuinely holding me back.

The woman's asking me a question, right?

The woman's asking me a question.

So, I'm replying...

Well, trying to reply.

And Abby's talking over my reply, like, in Portuguese.

That doesn't sound like you, Abby.

I know. That is a problem of mine.

But the worst thing is, when we were learning Portuguese,

Pete was doing the...

An English accent, but speaking Portuguese.

But when he was speaking to the actual Portuguese lady,

speaking English with a Portuguese accent.

So, how do I say this?

That's what he was doing.

I was like...

And then going, like, uh...

Boatat.

And then going, so, Boatada is...

Like, when he was speaking English, but with an accent.

For an accent.

It's totally backwards.

So, it didn't work.

Anyway, I stormed out.

I was like, I'm not doing this anymore with you.

But then...

So, like, I just couldn't...

I couldn't do it.

But then that's totally unfair on me,

because I think, you know, there's no point in me

just being fluent in Portuguese.

Because who the hell am I?

Miles off it, by the way.

Oh, no.

She said you're dog shit.

You know, when you went out,

she said, I'm so sorry.

She interrupts and she's crap at Portuguese.

So...

You're being so mean to me.

You're being harsh.

I'm not.

Ruling my laugh.

I love your laugh.

I swear, I swear on you.

I thought I believed you, still to no.

Just because you're paranoid about your own laugh,

don't be blaming me.

You would have been good at Portuguese,

but so would have I.

You'd better be useful if we could do it together.

I think we should give that another go.

Not together, that will never work.

The worst thing was, like, when we did our lesson,

a comment prepared for the lesson came in

with two bacon butties

sat in front of the thing.

And then she was teaching us,

and then, obviously, Pete threw a hissy fit

and stormed out the room.

So I stormed out to get him,

and when we came back in,

the dog had eaten both things and we're just like,

no!

That was a bad day.

Bad day at the office.

Right, one here.

How do I get my wife,

I've nearly eight years, to do more around the house?

I mean, she literally does sweet fuck all.

I work from home four days a week,

and she works in retail.

But even on weekends,

she literally watches her shit TV programs for hours on end.

The only thing she does is load the dishwasher.

She can't even do that right

without putting bowls on top of bowls.

How the hell can they clean

if they're on top of each other?

Can you please advise me on how to do more around the house?

Cheers, Matt.

There's quite a lot of, like,

kind of anger in his voice here.

You know, like, even the shit TV programs for hours on end.

She's like, I mean, she does sweet fuck all.

Like, it feels like there's a resentment there.

Yeah, but laziness is my biggest, biggest.

But is it laziness, or like,

is he expecting her to do it and not him?

Or is he doing it and she's not lifting a finger?

I think when you live together, it's give and take, isn't it?

Like, it should be a role for one person.

That's what I'm saying.

So if he's doing quite a bit,

and getting, you know, nothing back from her,

then that would be quite frustrating.

Yeah, but on the flip side,

if she is working in retail all week

and she just wants to chill on the weekends, you know.

Each to their own,

but then they probably aren't going to cohabit.

They should do, the weekly wine would suit them.

If you sit down and go, like, look,

I need to do more around the house,

and then I'll allow you to watch your TV programs.

Go back to the 1950s now.

No, I think have a weekly wine.

Get, suggest it.

You know, when she's not moving off the couch,

sit next to her.

Get a bottle of wine and say,

right, we're doing the weekly wine.

And then get it out all out.

I think you could do more around the house.

She might say, you know, this is my weekend,

this is my, I don't want to rest.

Because would you be offended if I said to you,

will you do more around the house?

I know, I would.

I wouldn't be offended if you said that.

Absolutely, spot on.

So that's it for another week?

Yeah, another week.

I enjoyed that today.

I have to say, I really did laugh, you know.

I know that my laugh, in turn, made you laugh.

I like laughing.

No, it was a really fun podcast.

And I think we got through the other side of it,

you know, what, the power shift.

Yeah.

And, you know, I think they have given take.

You know, what we've touched upon is,

you know, it's important to make your partner feel special

with little gestures.

It's easy for that to, over time, kind of disappear.

And, you know, you kind of take each other for granted.

And, you know, just go back to, like, when you first met

all the little nice little things you do.

And bizarrely, the further you get on in your relationship,

you love each other more.

But those little special things, you don't do.

I think we should make a conscious effort this week.

And we should report back and see if our little kind of

challenge we've set ourselves, we've succeeded with it or not.

Let's do this, probably.

Deal?

What?

Why are we shaking on this?

We're doing a man, man handshake.

A man shake.

Man shake?

Ow.

Okay.

All right, we'll add to that, babe.

Thanks, babe.

And yeah, again, if you like us,

keep following, like, link, and subscribe.

Oh, fuck, man.

What chance have we got here?

Like, link, link, link.

Like, link, and subscribe.

Is that it?

Leave a review as well.

Guys, I know we keep, if you enjoy The Therapy Crouch,

please keep following us.

Tell all your mates, like, share, and subscribe.

That's what you say.

And leave a review.

I love reading them.

And yeah, see you next week.

See you next week.

Machine-generated transcript that may contain inaccuracies.