The Therapy Crouch: The Language of Love

Well I feel like I know what you want better than you know what you want.

I've been speaking to her quite a bit.

You got any chemistry?

A bit of chemistry.

Obviously I know how long a mile is.

It's a thousand kilometres.

Hello and welcome to another therapy crouch, I'm Peter Crouch.

And I'm Abby Clancy.

I must say you look incredibly fashionable today.

Thanks sorry, I just thought I had a button too low there for a second.

Oh no, you look great.

I'm fortunate for you, I'm not.

I can see.

We have our ways.

Have you got like X-ray vision?

No.

It's all smoke and mirrors.

What?

Mirrors.

Oh yeah.

Have you been, how's the week?

Well babe, you've been cleaning out the garage this week.

I noticed actually I went in there and I could actually walk in it.

I was really pleased.

And what really pissed me off about that is we've had like our outdoor like kind of sun lounges in the garage for a year.

And I thought, you know, the weather's been, the sun's been cracking the flags so I'll get them out.

It's rained every day since I've got them out.

I just can't believe it.

And they're not something that you can, they're like bean bags, like black and white striped bean bags.

The size of like king sized beds.

Yeah, I've seen them and they've called me for.

And I've got three of them and they've just been, they are waterproof but still, so they're drenched.

But I'm trying to, Pete wants a gym.

Doesn't make it self, does it?

I mean, you've got to hone this.

Oh God.

So, it doesn't just happen, you know what I mean?

Just wake up and look like this.

No.

Got to work out, you know what I mean?

I work out.

So I just want to, you know, I'm just trying to utilise some spaces in the house better.

And I thought, you know, Pete could have the garage as his little area.

My mate's man, he goes in the garage with anyone, mate.

And he loves it in there.

I think you've talked about this, haven't you?

Yeah, I'd like to use the garage a bit more.

I was going to get you some kind of like old kind of page three newspaper clippings to put on the wall.

And like a few 5kg weights for you.

No, I'm moving up.

I'm moving up.

See, I'm five.

So, John's weight of choice to 5kg.

Is that what you use?

The five?

I use the vibes.

Yeah, but you're six foot four.

And you only use a five.

You should have like a 20.

So should you?

Mine, I'm not as weak as I look.

And I care.

I'm a fucking geezer.

Don't you forget it.

To be honest, what you have got is the best six pack.

I think you do too many sit-ups and don't work on your arms.

Jürgen.

Honestly.

But my arms are so long that it's hard to sculpt them.

You see these fellas who've got the big muscles on that, they've got short arms.

Trying to sculpt these things.

I think the leverage Pete's got to do on like an arm here.

I'm working double hard.

Well, Jürgen, are you going to have any problems?

Yeah, but he's like six foot.

Jürgen, are you going to have any problems?

Six foot seven.

Is he?

Yeah, Arnie.

Yeah, but he's the, I reckon, no, no, no.

I reckon he's about five.

Very awesome.

Googly.

And he's on the Steds.

Arnold Schwarzenegger.

He's like the tallest musliest man on earth.

I bet you I'm taller than Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Are you talking about the same Arnold Schwarzenegger as I am?

I'm 100% taller than Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I love Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Can I just put in Arnold?

Yeah.

I'm going to struggle with that.

I can smell Schweinsteiger.

But yeah.

Six two.

No, six two.

Basic.

God, he's a midget.

Absolutely basic.

Six two.

If I was six two, I could have arms like Arnie.

Well, maybe not Arnie.

Maybe not Arnie, yeah.

I'd have to use supplements.

But Arnie, Arnie's natural, though, isn't he?

Natural.

He joking.

You can't look like that naturally.

I thought it was against regulation.

Who's that?

It was you.

You just answer it quickly.

Hello.

Oh, right.

Hi.

How are you doing?

Yeah.

Good.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Tomorrow.

Yeah.

It's a clock.

Right.

Yeah.

No worries.

Yeah.

I'll.

No, I can.

I can leave it with you and then go.

Yeah.

I'm going out.

I'm not being.

Okay.

Great.

Thank you.

Bye bye.

Finished.

Yeah.

That was early about the car.

Oh, um, Ellie.

Yeah.

How'd you know her name?

She's, um, I've been speaking to her quite a bit.

Have you got any chemistry?

It's a bit of chemistry.

Are you messing?

She's lovely.

She's here.

Absolutely diamond.

Shall we go near you at your fucking arms?

You ever used to see him a six pack?

Well, hopefully she won't see a six pack.

I have no idea.

She just said it was early.

Oh, um, yeah.

But I thought in those kind of bodybuilder competitions, there were regulations about.

I think it was like 19.

It only causes documentaries.

I think it was like the late 80s to came in.

Ross been Googling.

Yeah.

I had to get arms.

Yeah.

I think it's been on every man's search.

Arnie's too big though.

Yeah.

I mean, you know, he is big.

He must be like hard to find clothes.

He'd have to like put his arms through like a trouser.

Like, do you know what I mean?

Instead of a sleeve size of him.

Would you like me to be rippling?

No.

Bit more rippling though.

No, it's not my, it's not my cup of tea at all.

Yeah.

It's only, um, the only thing I think you should have a healthy weight is in case you got ill.

You know, so you've got a little bit of reserve.

Yeah.

Not as much, not as much reserve as you like, Ross.

You're taking the reserve.

You take the piss out of reserve.

I've been piss shamed and body shamed in five minutes.

Let's just get some water.

You piss shamed him.

Like you kept, you said, what, get in the toilet again.

Yeah.

You piss shamed him.

No, I thought he had diarrhea.

Oh, all right.

You haven't been very happy this week, have you?

Why?

Because you've been so busy with work and you haven't been able to play any golf.

Oh my God.

It's just, you know what annoys me the most is like, I cancel, I cancel golf.

You know, I cancel golf and it like really annoys me.

Like I put myself in there and then something will come up.

I'm not blaming you for it.

It's like my own fault.

I'm just pretty shit with a diary.

It really offends me.

And then I obviously, I missed out on a golf day on Friday and it was all my fault.

And I threw my phone.

I was so angry.

You know, when like toddlers throw a hasty fit.

I'm not proud of it.

He was like, I can't play golf through his phone.

And it hit the carpet and pinged and hit the wall and broke.

Took a chunk out my wall as well, by the way.

Not only was it a bad day, I took a chunk out the wall and my phone broke.

It's me making him a freaking home gym, slaving away, throwing things in the skip,

like brushing it, mopping it, like, organizing the whole thing.

And he's throwing tantrums and throwing his phone because he can't play golf.

You know, when you do things like, obviously like people who have more anger issues than me,

I'm not an angry person, but when you do things, when you're angry and you just instantly go,

what has made you think 10 times worse?

Such a bad thing to do.

Because you had no phone then for the whole day.

Oh, it's like a nightmare to go and get fixed.

Oh, terrible shout.

It's like golf in general, really.

Like when I first started playing it, I thought, oh yeah, sport, I'll be fine like this.

And then I realized like it's really hard.

And then first cut the rounds, I was like snapping clubs.

I threw like one of my clubs in the lake.

And then I realized it's like calm down.

It's just a hard game.

But I don't know if that's like that kind of, I don't know, like that competitiveness

or they're just a spoiled brat in you.

You know, you do love, you do love a door slam or like a throw or something.

You push me to the limits of any man could take.

And like no one can do it apart from you.

Well, I have nothing to do with the photo.

No, I'm not blaming you.

I'm taking you away from all that.

But no one can believe it when I tell them that Pete does that.

Is that all your cupboards in the kitchen are soft clothes?

Yeah.

You sometimes push me to the brink.

I'd class myself as a calm person, but with regards to sport.

Too calm, too calm.

Yeah, that's in general life, but you don't see me in sport, right?

Like football or remember the tennis, like me and my dad's matches were so aggressive.

People used to come and watch them.

I remember my mum coming down and me just going,

I mean, my dad would like, go away.

Did you tell your mum to fuck out?

I did.

Yeah, in the heat at the moment.

My brother.

So I'd never, ever do unless I was kind of like in the heat of battle.

Can't imagine your mum, don't think, don't you?

I know.

Ridiculous.

But it means a lot.

It does mean a lot to me to win things.

And that's why I had to sort of really scale back with golf

because I had to really calm down and go, actually, this is a hard sport.

Oh, Sean, me and my other brother used to be the worst at tantrums.

Like when he was a baby and like, like hit people and like go mad.

Remember one time, like we used to go to my nan and granddad's house.

What a lovely story.

This is the dog.

Living like a row of like terrace houses, there's a terrace house on both sides.

And my dad used to stop the car at the bottom of the road

and they used to live at the other end.

And we get out the car and my granddad's dog, Duke would run to us all the way down.

Yeah.

And the dog was getting like really old at this point, so didn't run to him.

So our Sean had to like go into my nan.

He's probably about six, seven.

And he just ran into my nan's and got onto the table and my nan was like, you know,

the postcard nan, like the little curly perm, the pinny, you know,

look like a nan like a whole life.

And he told me nan to fuck off.

I mean, I was like, oh, like heartbroken.

Because the dog didn't run to him.

Because the dog didn't run to him and he just threw a wobbler.

Me nan used to make us these sandwiches, like best butter sandwiches.

So it's just soft white bread, like an inch of butter on and a cup of tea.

And she was like trying to coax him out from under the table with like best butter sandwiches.

And he was just like boot and I go, fuck off.

That's amazing, isn't it?

It's amazing.

But I think it's like sport.

I'm not tantrum-y.

Well, no, I wouldn't say it's tantrum-y.

No.

Which is surprising.

I should be tantrum-y.

Because then I'll brush you off.

But I'm not.

I'm not tantrum-y at all, am I?

No, I wouldn't say you are, no.

No, you're generally aggressive.

But not tantrum-y, I wouldn't say.

I hate that word.

What?

Aggressive.

You just always use it to describe me.

What are you being so aggressive for, then?

Right now, you've been aggressive.

I'm not going to rise to it.

Don't rise.

Don't do it.

Aggressives are a horrible thing.

Well, I've had aggressive at times.

No, I'm not aggressive.

I'm just assertive.

So would you say that was your weekly wine then this week?

Yeah, I'm going to say it's my wine.

It's my own personal wine at myself, really.

I need to manage my diary better.

And I need to, you know, just do that, really.

Because it just annoys me.

And then obviously I will let myself down

with just throwing her the phone.

It's funny that your wines always lead me on to my wine.

I always do.

I'm filming this new show at the moment.

It's an amazing show.

We'll be the judge of that.

Well, I really enjoy it.

It's going to be amazing.

It's going to be unreal.

That's the main thing, you know.

I feel so lucky to do a job that I love.

It's going to be great.

When I go to work, I have to plan, like, you know,

meals for the kids, who's going to pick them up?

Blah, blah, blah.

And it's obviously school holidays.

So I had it in the diary as Pete looking after the kids

while I'm, like, away filming.

And Pete's just booked his own working

and didn't put it in the diary.

So now I'm, like, screwed for a babysitter for four kids

and I've got to work and it's just a lot of pressure.

And what I feel it comes down to is that you kind of look

at the diary and don't really regard my work as important.

That's not true at all.

I do regard your work as important.

But yeah, I messed up, like, I messed up my whole week this week

by clashing things with the diary.

And obviously, because I didn't know about them,

it didn't clash with your diary.

But you were still playing golf on Friday.

And it was, you were supposed to play golf on Friday.

Yeah, I was due to, yeah.

And that was the day I'm filming.

Yeah, but then I'm...

And the day, and you also had in the diary

looking after the kids.

So unless you were going to hide them and you got off bag.

Well, that's just another reason for me to get the diary wrong,

isn't it? Because I didn't know they were off.

So my wine is at myself diary management

and your wine is also at myself.

So cheers.

Cheers, babe.

Cheers.

So what are we resolving here?

Well, my diary management, by the looks of it.

Diary management.

We're going to have regard for everyone else's workload.

Do you know I only got a diary like a year ago, right?

And I fucking hate a diary.

I hate it.

I actually feel like throwing my phone away.

Not having one.

Like, imagine how kind of chilled you'd be in life.

You might not get anywhere and you might not speak to anyone.

But you'd have a chilled life.

You'd live late on your terms.

But you'd also be homeless.

Why would you?

Because you wouldn't have a job.

Oh, you'd have a job?

You'd be fine.

Like, you just...

People could call you.

So if you knew, what would you get, like, some pigeon?

No, I think you could have a computer.

And you'd look at your emails and go,

where will I be today?

And then you'd go out and no one could get you.

No one could get you.

You'd have no social media.

You would...

I think you'd actually live life in a beautiful manner.

God, can you imagine you without Twitter?

I see him on the couch every night,

like laughing his head off to himself.

And I'm like, what are you doing?

He's like, just tweeting.

He just made that up.

And it's normally with something I've said earlier on in the day,

that some gag that he's poached.

Oh, well, that's not true.

Let's do that.

It does.

I would actually like to go off school.

Off grid?

Yeah.

Well, we've said on this holiday, we're going off grid.

Mate, honestly, if you actually didn't have a phone,

think about your life.

Think about all the anxiety that you have about emails,

social media, phone calls, text messages.

All gone.

Digital detox, Nicola.

Digital detox.

Seriously, what a nice...

I enjoy them.

Like in Glastonbury.

When have you ever done that?

I enjoy them.

I do.

I haven't been on social media.

When are you detoxed?

I haven't been on social media for weeks.

You want it, though.

You might not have posted for weeks.

I have made a conscious effort to be more present,

and I think you have noticed that.

Yeah, that's true.

You probably have, because you were kind of on your phones.

Yeah, because I had a lot to organise.

That's what I'm saying.

It's always a lot to do, isn't it?

Yeah, but it's unrealistic.

But it's like when I was empty in the garage,

I'm thinking, I haven't been in here for eight years,

so I obviously don't need one thing that's in here.

I did about a million trips to the charity shop,

like prams, car seats,

all stuff in there you don't need,

like paints that are seven years old.

And that's a kind of good way to mentally detox as well.

Quite a lot of my Christmas presents in there, isn't it?

No, but I did put them to Barry Max and the charity shop.

Did you really?

Yeah, because they actually don't fit me.

They're so small.

I asked Sophia, did she want them?

And she was like, no.

All right, let's get into the audience wines.

Hi, Abby and Pete, loving the podcast.

This isn't a wine, but I'd like to hear Pete's thoughts

on why there are so many sexual innuendos in golf.

It's an acceptance to ask another gent how stiff his shaft is

or whether he would like an extra half inch taken off or put on.

The shag bag, a bag for picking up balls around the green.

This is a tight hole.

You want to go out for a foursome or a threesome.

Keep your balls clean.

Low penetrating ball flight.

Oh, mate, you've creamed that.

Let me know.

Happy golfing, Rob.

Rob sounds like a complete weirdo.

Rob needs to get laid.

There are a lot of...

If Rob's finding that much sexual...

See, I didn't find one thing in them sexual,

apart from the stiff shaft.

Yeah, there's a lot of stiff shafting.

Did anyone mention a stiff shaft?

Did anyone mention a stiff shaft?

Yeah, you're right.

See, innuendos go over my head.

If I said to you, like, you know, I'm going to go get a stiff shaft.

But how would you use stiff shaft, innit?

So, in the golf clubs, you can have a flexible shaft

or a stiff shaft.

I think I prefer a flexible one.

Fucking no shit.

Do you think?

Well, yeah, I know you would.

Shaft.

Shafts are funny words.

I'm saying shaft, I'd say shaft.

I do say shaft, but you say shaft.

What if I said shaft?

You've got a stiff shaft.

Sounds so weird, innit?

Yeah, it does, yeah.

I just accept you saying shaft and me saying shaft.

You say shaft?

Shaft.

Say it in a sentence.

What kind of sentence?

Golf sentence.

Do you want a flexible shaft?

Sorry. Do you want a flexible shaft

or a stiff shaft?

Stiff shaft.

Do you say it now?

Do you want a stiff shaft or a flexible shaft?

It's got to be shaft, innit?

Shaft.

Bath or grass?

Bath grass.

You're such a grass.

Grass.

But that's how, the way I look at it is that's how the queen would say it

or the king now.

He would say grass, shaft.

But that's just what the f***ing posh people say.

Well, exactly.

So, you're saying I'm posh.

I'll take that.

You're regional.

We've got our own news.

Is that...

You have to share yours with the rest of the country.

Is that derogatory, though?

Which?

Saying you're regional.

No, because I am. I am what I am.

Yeah, no, it's totally fine, but...

I just wondered if you thought it was derogatory to say regional.

You?

God, I'm not one of them woke freaks.

All right, let's go again.

Hi, Abby and Pete.

I only just started listening after a recommendation from my wife, Vicky.

She started a challenge a couple of months ago

to run at least one mile every single day for a year.

She listens to the pod whilst out running.

I know it keeps her going on the tough days.

So, not really an agony add,

but I wanted to tell my wife how proud I am of her.

Smashing the challenge so far.

Keep up the good work, Graham.

God, that's great.

That's a nice comment, isn't it?

One mile a day, that's fair play to her.

Good game.

How far is a mile?

Obviously, I know how long a mile is.

It's a thousand kilometres.

What?

Oh, my God.

Is that wrong?

A thousand kilometres.

A hundred kilometres, then?

Is it like 1.5 kilometres is a mile?

No, no.

1.5?

Roughly, roughly.

Not far off.

I was thinking of millimetres to litres.

I was doing the milliliter conversion.

Yeah, all right.

Unless she's doing a thousand kilometres, Graham,

we're not interested.

OK.

From our house to where is a mile?

The gate.

That garage.

So, the village?

It can't be.

Yeah, it's probably about a mile.

No, that's like four miles.

I reckon.

You can run a mile in five minutes.

So, she's only running five minutes a day?

No, it's five minutes for a mofarra.

Yeah, so you can't say that.

That's like saying getting there on a bicycle

or a Ferrari.

Well, a Ferrari can do like...

Could you do a mile a day?

I'd probably walk

20 miles a day.

Yeah, but running is...

But running now.

She'd probably walk 20 miles a day.

Yeah.

Where do you work?

Where do I work?

I walk Box Hill every day.

That's a lie. It's not a lot.

Once every six months.

Come on, babe.

At least once a week. You just don't know.

I don't know.

You don't know?

But I do Box Hill with the dog.

How did you know if you're walking

20 miles a day when you don't even know

how far one mile is?

You've got nothing to equivalent it to.

Because I'm thinking if one mile is like...

It's 100,000 kilometres.

It's from my house in Jordan.

That's seven miles.

Well, my dad walks 10 miles a day.

That's 70 miles of my house in Jordan.

It's getting there.

What's five K compared to a mile?

More than a mile.

It's two and a half miles.

No, no.

It'd be just under five.

If you're five kilometres,

you're like four and a half or something.

Four and a half miles?

Why would you have kilometres of miles then

if they're so close?

It's an old-school way of doing it.

It's also European.

They do it in kilometres, don't they?

My friend Kelly,

she runs five K in the gym

and it takes a like

I think nine minutes.

No way.

It's not that true.

That you'll make Sonja Sullivan.

Is that my...

The fastest...

The sub-four mile is like the fastest I've recorded

under four minutes.

So that's two miles is eight minutes.

So she's not doing 3.5

and fucking nine is she?

Is that you'll make Jedis Karanis?

Well,

I think you can safely say

that I'm not a runner, you guys.

Horrible mathematician, by the sounds of it.

Well,

the only time I talk about miles

is when it flashes up

on my dashboard,

three miles till empty.

And I still don't know how,

if I can make it to the petrol station or not.

And I ignore it.

But you've got 990 kilometres left, haven't you?

Stop it.

Stop taking the piss.

Do you make me sound thick?

I'm not thick, I just don't know anything about mileage.

Yeah, you're not good with measurements.

I am good with measurements.

Millimetres, grams.

She knows they're millimetres.

Yeah.

They all count, guys.

Cos I bake, I bake a lot.

I bake a lot.

Who are you?

I'm walking and running and baking.

Can't lie.

You're such a shitter.

I'm a walking, baking runner.

So, are you saying I don't bake?

Yeah.

Are you messing?

When was the last time you baked?

Pete, are you joking?

Like, every day in lockdown, I make banana bread.

I always make cakes.

What the hell are you talking about?

Pancakes, cakes, totes in the hole,

pie, I do bake.

I feel like you're getting upset.

I am, because you're saying I'm not baking.

You're getting upset about lying about baking?

No, but you can't.

I don't know how you can possibly say that.

Can we expect to see you on celebrity bake-off then?

I've done comically bake-off.

You made a shard?

Shard, the shard.

She made a shard.

I thought it was fantastic, but John from Ross called it a shard.

Well, he can piss off.

It was good, actually, and she is a good baker.

But you don't do that often.

No, only because I've been busy, but I love it.

And I'm not even going to lie.

I make cakes for me, because it's my favourite thing.

Yeah, you differential a sponge.

Yeah, so what are you talking about?

When was the last time you did that?

What kind of bake-in are you talking about then?

Well, one that feeds me.

Well, I made...

Remember last week when I said to you,

I made 20 cupcakes and I turned around and the dog had ate them all?

Can you remember that?

Yeah, that old one.

The dog ate our homework as well.

My homework.

Don't you be mild-shaming me?

My God.

Mild-shaming me?

Sorry, I just thought...

I was just thinking of millilitres to litres.

That's why I said a thousand.

I don't care if I don't know how many kilometres are in a mile.

Who knows? Who cares?

Right, let's move on.

Your friends are getting dominoes

as they're wedding breakfast.

The parents are offering the full shebang.

They can't be bothered.

How do you tell them they're being morons?

What?

Your friends are getting dominoes as they're wedding breakfast.

Their parents are offering the full shebang.

Wedding breakfast means

the meal at the wedding.

That's why you're getting confused.

It's not actually a breakfast.

They call the meal at a wedding the wedding breakfast.

I didn't know that.

I'll be honest with you.

So they're going to have dominoes for like

the dinner.

Why not, though?

If you like it.

Let's be honest.

The meal's the most boring part, is it not?

I know the ceremony's the most boring part.

Let's be frank about it.

The ceremony for people who aren't getting married

is the most boring part.

Do you like it?

The ceremony's the best part.

Is it?

Seeing two people

so in love committing themselves

forever

in holy matrimony.

I think there'll be people out there that agree with me

that I think it is

probably the most boring part.

The last wedding we went to, they had two little penguins

running down the aisle.

That was certainly not a boring ceremony.

No, it certainly wasn't.

I think

the ceremony for people who aren't getting married

is an absolute fortune.

Not a lot of people eat it

because they just want to get on the dance floor

and start the party.

I don't know.

I think it's their wedding.

They should be able to have whatever they want.

However, if the mum and dad are offering to pay for it,

they could have

the kind of more traditional wedding breakfast

and go for the dominoes

at say like 10 o'clock when everyone's

had a little boogie, a few drinks

and refuel.

Is there a reason why you call it wedding breakfast

when it's lunch or dinner?

No.

Is there a specific first meal since you got married?

I don't know.

That makes sense.

That might not be the reason, but it's the most logistical.

No, it makes sense though.

Logistical?

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.

That might not be the real reason,

but it is the most logical.

It's the most logical, I think.

You're all right, babe.

Get the piss ripped out of you today, aren't you?

Do you think we should get a female in here?

Like, sometimes.

You are a bit kind of...

We need some mingling.

We're all for it.

Yeah.

Right, let's get into today's podcast.

I thought this email that's come in

from someone, it's a non,

but it got me thinking.

I think it'll get you thinking as well.

See what you think anyway.

I absolutely love listening to your podcast.

I'm catching up from a while ago.

I only just started listening.

But today I was listening to one from the 16th of May

in which you were talking about things that people do

for their partners.

It's interesting to research five love languages.

It's all online and they're books,

but basically it's certain categories

about how people express their commitment.

Yeah, I've heard about this.

Someone told me about this before.

It's kind of the five love languages

and the kind of more you have in common,

the more, you know...

You're compatible.

Yeah, the more compatible and the more...

Why can't I talk?

The more you have in common,

the stronger your relationship will be, basically.

OK, well, she's listed five here, I think.

One, active service,

doing things, e.g. chores, etc.

Number two, physical touch,

hugging, hand holding, etc.

Number three, words of affirmation,

praise, acknowledgement of achievements.

Number four, quality time, days out,

walks, etc.

Number five, receiving gifts, flowers,

chocolate jewellery.

It's really interesting as you can research

whether you and your partner match in your love languages.

There's something to think about.

But I think all of those kind of affirmations

you've just said,

they're a language

that you would

express throughout every relationship

in your life,

like with your kids,

animals, friends,

and not only...

not only your partner.

I think that's kind of

the basics, like having a good heart

and being morally correct.

I think all of those things there

are being a good person.

Apart from the presence and that, that's a bit like...

No, but I think it's like showing your appreciation of...

Yeah, but if you just

turn up to your friends and go,

you know, you've got a bunch of flowers

for passing your driving test or...

It's thoughtful.

Or, thanks to the mind in the kids saw me

here's a bottle of wine.

That makes people feel so good.

Yeah, can we love language, but platonic love as well, I suppose?

Yeah.

It's like you kind of respect for each other,

like if you're saying chores, there's one on the list there,

like that's just having respect for your partner,

like not leaving a place of miss.

It's actually having respect for yourself as well.

Yeah. You don't want to live in like a pig's day.

No, but I think if you have

kind of a lack of respect for your partner,

you don't do those things.

You know what I mean?

You're not asked, are you?

Like when you walk on my rim with a muddy slipper.

Break me scared.

Yeah.

I do walk on your rim sometimes,

and I apologise for that,

but I just forget sometimes.

But sometimes people mistrude

forgetfulness for

a lack of respect.

Exactly.

And that's kind of an issue we have raised,

like the diary,

the homework,

things that are important to one person

and not at the top of the list for the other.

We find in that mutual.

And also if you are a scatty person,

you can sometimes

I don't think you're a scatty.

You've got golf trips booked in

until 2025.

I'm spot on with them.

Don't fail them.

Definitely not a scatty in that department.

Military, I'd like to say.

But with this love language,

some of them are like,

are you one over the other?

Is it an affirmation

where to praise rather than gifts,

for example?

I think we agree on all of those.

Go through them, let's say.

Number one,

act of service, doing chores, etc.

No, that's not number one on my list.

No.

Thank God.

Physical touch, hugging, hand holding, etc.

That's very important.

Because I think even like,

if we have a row and we go to bed,

not speaking,

and you're head to toe,

buttoned up in the flannel of my pyjamas.

When I punish you with my pyjamas,

that's it.

You'll see in any of this.

It's actually not nice going to sleep

without having a hug.

Actually,

not skin on, skin contact,

but contact.

That's not a nice feeling.

Being tactile.

I know people that

are in relationships that aren't

a very kind of

don't come near me in bed,

unless

the obvious.

You know what I mean? They're not

huggy people in bed. There's lots of people out there.

I think they're like that.

I'm very tactile, aren't I?

I'm tactile with you, my friends,

my kids.

I love physically touching people.

Hugging, touching, holding hands.

Yeah?

I think it's important.

You're not as much as that as me.

No, but...

Although you did put a strange snorkel in your mouth,

which I found bizarre.

I'm not even going to try and explain that.

Make up your own mind.

It's not even as...

No, but I...

Like, if you just picture us

in a scenario,

I think we're both quite tactile.

Like, picture me late out

with our friends now.

We're normally hanging around each other's necks

and holding hands all with the kids.

I'm very huggy and kissy with my kids.

I do find the navigation

of friends'

introductions tough.

Not necessarily friends, but meeting people for the first time.

All just kissing.

One kiss, two kiss, hug, handshake,

hello, wave.

Fist pump.

There's too many.

I hate the one where you go in for one kiss

and you just put, like, a face on your neck.

It's the worst, isn't it?

I'm quite... I go in quite aggressively

for a hug, no?

I don't think you should really kiss strangers,

really.

There's a lot of people kissing and stuff.

It depends where you are.

If you go to a posh place, you know you're going to kiss them.

If you don't go to a posh place, you don't kiss them.

If you don't go to a posh place,

you high-five and then fist pump.

Where does it end?

That's my worry with that.

HAHAHA

Please, take a joke!

HAHAHA

I was not expecting that.

Just wake them up.

Just wake them up.

You've got people curing you.

Me? I'm not talking about me.

I'm talking about you.

Next one, words of affirmation.

Words of affirmation? I think praise.

I think this is very important as well.

You want to get a world...

You know what, the only world that I want is off you.

I know, you always say that.

The one that I crave is off you.

And I'm the one who gives out the least to you.

Yeah.

You're like Simon Cowell in a relationship.

You know what I mean?

No one cares about...

I absolutely love Simon Cowell.

You know what I'm saying?

No one, Louis Walsh, is always gonna say great things.

You know, Nicole's always really positive.

It gets to Simon, you go, right, now let's hear it.

I mean, let's hear what you actually think.

And then when you get well done, everyone,

you can see is happier.

Yeah, everyone only cares about Simon's

opinion.

That's what I mean.

So that's the same with you.

Like I want your affirmation.

I want your confirmation that I've done well in something.

Not football, because, you know, you always...

Some great at that.

Absolutely no clue.

Because that language speaks for itself.

No, because I know you want that.

100 goals?

No clue.

100 per minute cut.

You just face pumped?

Well, that's what I'm saying.

It's hard, isn't it?

Don't know what to do.

I'm not giving you a wank.

LAUGHTER

I was on the first one when you said that.

Wanking's completely pointless, let's just put it out there.

Unless you do it to yourself.

Yeah, you can do it to yourself.

Don't include me in that.

You're no interest.

Don't include me.

I often don't.

Yeah, I know.

That's fine.

Absolutely.

That's that funny nerve that you keep touching.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, but...

Oh, God.

I compliment you, like...

No, like...

I compliment your appearance, little things.

When I say, don't give them out as much.

I am number one in your corner, always.

And I've literally fought, physically fought people.

Like, if someone says anything about Peter, I am, like, a people.

So I've always got you back.

And I think, on things that kind of aren't work-related,

just, like, at the home, at home, I'd be like,

oh, you look nice, or I like your hair, or...

Well, that's what I'd like, I do do that to you as well.

So when do I not do that? That's important.

No, you do.

Like, if you say to me, oh, you look nice today,

or something like that, it makes you feel good.

Like, and it genuinely does.

It genuinely, if you say it to me, I go, like,

oh, I do feel better.

And hopefully you feel the same way when I say that about you.

But quite often you go aggressive with me with that.

Like, I'll say, oh, you look fantastic.

Because you say it at the wrong time.

No, I don't.

Just piss me off.

You go, no, I don't.

And I go, no, I just said, you look nice, you know, I don't know.

Why, why are you being like that?

And I'm like, don't...

Stop lying, Pete.

Literally.

But I'm trying to pray you're a compliment.

She's just such a liar.

But do you actually inside feel better?

Or do you, and you're outwardly going, no, I don't?

No, like, no, that's real when you just antagonise me.

I'm antagonising.

How is that antagonising you, saying you look nice?

No, it is, because you say it at the wrong time.

You don't say it when it matters.

Well, it's the right time.

But you don't really say any...

I send you, like, meaningful, more sentimental messages and stuff

and praise and power more so than you do to me.

That's not true.

I think it is.

I wouldn't agree with that.

Because I think you think I don't need it,

because I'm quite loud.

I'm, like, balshy, but do you know what I mean?

I think you need it.

I don't get praise off anyone, really.

Don't be so ridiculous.

I think quality time is so important.

You know, but it's...

I think when you have a family and stuff,

it is hard to get that quality time.

It's quality time that you took for granted,

where you were just, like, I say a single couple.

That's quite contradictory, but, you know,

no kids, like, no commitments, and, you know,

you can do whatever you want without any planning.

It's a lot easier to just do things.

It's a lot easier to be more impromptu and spontaneous.

It's easy to be romantic as well,

because you just go, right, I'm taking you here.

Get your dress on, we're going out.

But it's, like, cool, and, like, 10 people,

can you mind for kids?

No, no, no, no.

And it's, like, it's so hard to surprise, though,

because it's, like, we need to liaise to work out

what we're doing to go out.

And vice versa.

Yeah.

But I think it's so important

just to kind of reconnect and have that bit of you time.

Yeah.

Number five's receiving gifts.

It's on a daily basis for you, innit?

I mean, it's just...

The gift. I keep some given.

The gift.

When you've got me, it is a gift every day, innit?

Yes.

Thanks, babe.

It is.

No, but I, you know, I probably could...

I could spoil you a bit more.

You're not really a gifty person.

Unless it's, like, Christmas or birthday,

you're not a gift person.

I'll get you flowers big like that, like, I don't...

When?

All the time.

Quite often.

You get...

Anniversary, Valentine's Day, Christmas and birthday

are the only time I get gifts,

but I'm not complaining about that.

You're just...

You just don't, erm...

It's just not on your radar, really, is it?

I'd rather take you out and have a nice experience or a nice time

and show you a good time than buy you a necklace.

I apologise for that,

because I know you probably prefer the necklace.

But if I...

I'd actually like to go on a night out together.

We haven't done it, but we haven't been out together.

I'd rather do that.

Apart from Glastonbury, which was in a group,

for months and months and months together.

Like, on our own?

On our own.

You keep inviting people everywhere.

I'd love to take you out on our own.

We'll do that in Portugal.

So, Pete, let's talk about characteristics

of your ideal partner.

Do I tick?

Every single box is ticked by you.

No, I'm trying to think,

because I'm thinking, is there any that aren't ticked?

Do you know what I mean?

That's what I was thinking about.

Because I'm thinking, obviously, there's loads of ticks.

Box ticks...

Box ticks, box?

Box ticks.

There's lots of things ticked with you.

Would I be a better girlfriend than you?

Or wife?

Probably.

You think?

I think I'd be a better boyfriend than you.

Yeah, because you want what you want,

and you'd know how to make you happy better than I would.

And the same for me.

That's your point.

You know what I mean?

It's not really, boss.

It's a good point, because I know...

It's not because I tell them things.

He just doesn't do them.

I know what I like.

You know what you want better than anyone else, do you?

There's no one in the world on this planet

who could know what you want better than yourself.

Well, I feel like I know what you want

better than you know what you want.

Yeah, because you think that I

don't know what I want.

I don't think you know what you do.

Well, actually, I do actually know what I like

and what I want,

but I allow you to make the decision for me.

All right.

What is that?

Well, I didn't particularly want to wear this shirt today.

All right.

In the language of love,

I think we're taking a few boxes there together.

What's your main...

What's the most important for you out of all of those things?

Well, I've added a couple more,

but I think, like, you know,

laughing together, I think is incredibly important.

Obviously, like, being attracted to each other,

you know, getting on.

And I think kind of the compliments

and paying little compliments

is incredibly important,

rather than buying presents for each other.

I think it's important to make time for each other.

What?

That's all of it.

Reading the entire list.

No. All right, okay.

I'm just saying what I think is important,

but all of those are important,

because without one of those things,

you know, if, for instance,

I didn't ever pay you a compliment,

but everything else was...

No, I'm joking. I'm absolutely joking.

Now, I agree, like,

I'm actually quite surprised the GIF thing's on there.

I think it's more appreciation.

Yeah, it's just showing appreciation.

Being thoughtful.

I think...

I think the one thing that kind of breaks down

in a relationship first

and is probably the most important

is that kind of whole

vibe of,

like, the, you know,

respect, the thoughtfulness,

looking out for each other,

putting the other one before yourself.

You know, those little things

that add up and aren't so little.

I think I would say they were the reasons

why most relationships

break down, because once you start

feeling that you're not important,

you're not respected,

or that people don't really...

the person doesn't really care about you

and you're not at the forefront of the mind.

I think that's when things start.

I think quite important as well, like,

is...

which is probably a bit taboo in this day and age,

but, like, a man should be a gentleman,

if you like, and I...

you know, there's obviously a lot of disequality

and things, but I do like

the old-school way of

the man looking after the woman,

and I know that it might not work in every relationship,

but in our relationship, I'd like to think

that I would have been a gentleman

and not necessarily just pay for things,

but, like, you know, dinner-wise

and things like that. And I'm talking about, like, split,

you know, the meals and things like that.

I'm talking about holding doors open,

you know, being, like, a gentleman,

I think is important, and I think sometimes

you can do that. It's good manners.

But do you agree with that or not?

Do you think that's a nice thing, a nice quality

for a man to have, or do you think it's nice quality

now, it's spelt? No, I think that's

a nice quality for anyone to have.

I think...

I know people might think that's old-fashioned,

but I like it. I think you should...

I think you should be a gentleman. I think you should hold the doors open

and open car doors and

compliment.

Yeah, I think that's important,

and I might see my old school flat.

It just makes you feel special?

Yeah, and I think you can make

a girl feel special, or I can make you

feel special by those kind of little things.

Like, I think I'm good at that.

Like, holding the bags when you go shopping

and stuff like that. All the time,

like, you've got heavy bags, or I'll get...

If it's cold, I'll give you my coat.

Like... Okay.

Well, you're telling me I don't do that?

When you sent me...

Like, two days ago, we were going...

I said, oh, I'm cold, and you went, well, you're not having my coat.

Yeah, but don't worry, because you take the piss

out of me sometimes. And then, today,

I got out the car, and you know what I'm saying?

You're carrying the bags out the car.

I got out the car. Anyway...

She walks off like a queen, that's why.

Strolls off. I've got 58 bags

and a kid. He's like, are you messing?

He was like... You're carrying one bag.

Are you going to leave all this in the car?

No, I think... I had to key to the back door,

so I was going to open the back door

and open the front door for you,

and then come and help you with the bags.

Shall we get into the acne abs?

Hey, guys, I'm in a relationship

with two kids, not with two kids,

but we have two kids.

How many kids they've got?

And I've been together for seven years.

My missus keeps biting her toenails

or picking hard skin off her feet and eating it.

It actually revolts me.

And I've told her it's vile.

Any idea how I can stop this?

Maybe shame her with friends and family.

Barra.

Barra. Is that Barra?

Barra.

Barra.

Well, she sounds flexible,

so I wouldn't be complaining.

I was thinking that.

I don't get that whole

eating snot, eating earwax,

biting a toenail.

You're a good man.

No.

You bite your nails, don't you?

You put a toenail, Pete.

It's totally different.

What do you think? What would you do

if I was eating my own toenails?

I find it really strange.

Yeah.

I'd find that weird.

But like, fully, like,

actually swallowing them.

It's not good, is it?

What do you think about that, Ross?

I grew up, so that's to be honest.

Oh, yeah. Did you?

Yeah, big time. What, biting your own toenails?

I wouldn't bite them, I would peel them

and chuck them in my mouth.

You are joking.

Oh, good God.

Peel them and then put them in your mouth.

I grew up with that habit.

Yeah, I mean, that's a viral habit.

I think you just got to tell her that's viral.

I think it's disgusting.

Everyone's got strange habits, you know what I mean?

That's strange.

You're lucky, you know. You are lucky.

You're lucky.

Scratch and sniff.

I've got no habits like that.

Like, vulgar ones.

No.

I've got an agony app for you both.

Hoping you can help.

I've recently moved down to London.

I've been lucky enough that my new housemate

have adopted me as an honorary member

of the extended friendship group.

For context, I'm in quite a small village

in North Yorkshire.

I knew nobody when I moved down.

So I've been a little bit more keen than usual

when it comes to making an impression

on the rest of the gang.

Anyway, one of my more flamboyant male members

of the group who had almost exclusively

female friendship circle

has become arguably my closest friend

in the group.

I will admit that due to his sense of style,

sense of humour and the amount of girls

he hangs around with, I rather foolishly

assumed he was gay.

Due to this, I've acted around him in a way

I definitely would not have if I thought

he was straight.

I've let him watch me get changed a few times

and I'm telling him how much I love him

and I'm definitely more handsy with him

than I am with the other boys.

So I can think where you can probably see

where this is going. The other day he rings me up

and basically puts his cards on the table,

told me how much he likes me and thinks

that we should go out on a date.

My immediate reaction was to

burst out laughing, which I now regret

as I know I will definitely have knocked

his confidence.

I'm glad that I can...

I just think about it as I wouldn't

want to potentially ruin our friendship.

In hindsight, I can understand

how I would have given him the wrong impression

but from my side there is zero attraction there

and I want him to know why I have acted

like I have, but without hurting his feelings

and losing one of my closest friends I have

down here. Please help Rachel,

30.

Oh, sorry, I thought that was from a boy.

Yeah, I did all the way till I

heard Rachel.

Sounds like he's gay or he's not gay.

Yeah.

You know, you do have a different relationship

with a gay guy.

Like, I'd get changed in front of Alfie

and he's my hairdresser as well, does my hair.

But this poor girl

is thinking he's gay and he isn't.

But he should have said something

when she was getting changed in front of him.

He should have said, oh, steady on it

or I'll leave the room.

Why?

I don't know if we did that.

You know what I mean, though?

It's not very, like,

gentlemanly like you've banged on about before.

What would you do with, like,

a girl?

Just start to get naked.

Well, I don't want you to answer that question.

Actually.

But you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely.

Like, because if a boy starts to get

naked and run to me, I'd be like, oh, I'll just go out.

Yeah, I mean, that's a tough one, that.

I think you've just got to go back in there

and be like, you know, oh, I'm so sorry.

You know, I just had to touch you down

as a really good friend

down to address the sexuality thing.

Yeah.

I'm getting changed.

Yeah.

Hi, Ab. First of all, I just want to say

I absolutely love the podcast.

It's my not-so-guilty pleasure

and it's really helped me out during

my recent stressful move

into my newly purchased first time home.

So thank you. Ah, congrats.

Oops.

This is Abra Leeds to my long-term boyfriend

and his close-knit

in inverted commas family.

I've always known that they had

a relationship close to the most

and in the beginning, I actually

thought it was quite nice, especially considering

how strained my family

rations were when I was younger.

Recently though, I have begun to notice

a few things which are making me

concerned that they are a little

too close-knit for comfort.

It all started when we moved in together.

There was a spare key around

both our parents for emergencies

such as us being locked out or something happening.

We were both at work and that needed our parents

to go in and sort base pipe alarms going off, etc.

What I was not expecting

that was my in-law would take this

as a carte blanche invitation to let herself

into my home when we are both out of the house,

do the washing and cleaning, etc.

without giving so much of a hand to sort.

I know this might sound ungrateful

but it almost feels like

a bit of an invasion of privacy.

So I am also

now privy to information

that they have done

very well so far keeping behind closed doors.

Since living with my boyfriend

I have discovered it isn't

in fact his mother who clips

and cleans his toenails

while he is still in the bath

and even offered

to put his pile cream on him

the other day.

I find this completely overstepping

the mark intrusive into our lives

with a red flag.

I am also annoyed that I didn't spot these signs

before moving in together and now I feel a bit trapped.

I know this type of thing is not normal

especially if you are a man in his 30s

but I think it is something I need to approach quite delicately

given to how close he is with her.

I also don't want to find myself

on the goal and of the pile cream

application duty.

Thanks and on.

Do you know what, there are two ways you can look at this.

You know

I actually quite like

my in-laws come around and clean in the house

I think that's a plus point

but there, you know

If you came in and I was all fours

face down

and my mum was

flying ass cream

but you are not on all fours and you put that

pile cream on

You can just stand up

You've got to go get in the crowd

haven't you bit?

You've got to open it out a bit

I wouldn't be on all fours to get pile cream on

You just wouldn't

It's not a good look is it?

You could just sit on the loo and put it on yourself

Would he, that's what I'm saying

He could do that but his mum's doing it for him

But the thing is

I've got two sons

and I'd cut their toenails

while they were in the bath

When he's living with his girlfriend

Well I bath them every night

I've got it three and four

four and five

It's different

So guys the British podcast

awards are

It's British podcast

award season

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so

if you like us please

vote for us because

you know

this is our first few months

of doing this podcast we've loved every minute

have it

and we hope you're enjoying it and if you are

give us a little vote

Yeah definitely you can vote for us

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Get your votes in

I don't mind you having

the award

Listen

I'd love this to win because you know what

we're glittered with awards in the other one

so it would be great if we could get this one

So guys

whatever podcast you want to vote for

you will find the link

in all our socials on our website

and it's free to

it's free to vote

Yeah and genuinely like

we've been kind of

blown away by the support

blown away by the support and it's been amazing

for us to do this podcast

sitting talking together

going through all our memories

all our funny stories

you know it has been therapy for us

so thank you for listening

Thanks for listening and if you like it

we'll see you next time

Machine-generated transcript that may contain inaccuracies.