The Therapy Crouch: Sticky Icky

Therapy Crouch Therapy Crouch 5/23/23 - Episode Page - 1h 6m - PDF Transcript

Something give me the ache of the other day.

Always be aware of the single man with a cat.

I always invite you out with the girls.

You love it?

You always love it?

It's not all beavers and yoghurt trucks.

It was in our room.

Also, if he's kissing her, can't he just go for a sensual nose rub?

You know, you just go, ooh.

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Crouch with me, Abby Clancy.

And me, Peter Crouch.

Oh, what a week we've had.

It's been good.

We've had a great week.

We really cultured ourselves up.

Well, yeah, we went to Naples, right?

And what a great place.

It was great being in Naples.

They've just won the Champions League.

They won the Serie A.

They won what?

The Premier League.

The Premier League.

So, the...

The Italian League.

They won the Italian League.

So, the...

The first time in 30 years, really, since Maradona days.

So, the place was going off.

Yeah, it was absolutely...

Just all dressed in sky blue, wasn't it?

Everywhere you went, it was like everyone had flags and...

Maradona everywhere.

Maradona, like murals on the wall.

It just...

It's a real, like, football city.

So, I enjoyed that.

But also, the culture...

Well, you were getting...

Literally, we couldn't walk down the road with Pete.

He was literally getting stopped by everyone every two seconds.

You know, because they're huge football fans.

So, they were just...

You know, couldn't believe you were there.

It was great.

And I just loved talking to the Italians,

because they're so passionate about football.

When he speaks to them wherever we went, they were just...

And they were so excited about winning the league.

And they're waiting for the season to finish,

so they can just have the biggest part.

It's been a week long.

So, we went with the Caroline and John.

We actually went to see a concert.

I took her to see Bono.

And obviously, with the whole thing of...

She wanted the wedding song,

and I couldn't provide that for her.

But what I did provide was a trip to Naples to go and see Bono.

And we did, in some ways.

You saw him from afar, let's say.

You can lead a horse to war,

but you can't make it drink.

So, I actually...

I want to stop going on about this Bono thing,

because I think he's...

Cos he pied you.

Cos he pied us, yeah.

But I think he's going to get a restraining order on me.

And it's making me feel physically ill.

Do you think he knows who you are?


I don't think he knows who I am at all.

Why would he get a restraining order on you there?

Because he...


He's not even asked about you.

Basically, he's not asked one bit.

Which is great.

Which I expect from a global icon like that.


I did kind of...

Get put into perspective when he was talking about

how Pavarotti was calling us house.

And he was trying to pipe Pavarotti.

And he was, you know...

Telling stories about Lady Diana and things like that.

And live aid.

And then...

And here's me thinking,

why won't he sing the fucking Wenzel?

So, yeah, I've been put firmly in my box.

And he will not be mentioned ever again.

But having said that, what an incredible show.

Having said that,

we're going to Vegas to see them live again.


Yeah, well, the show is...

Stories of Surrender, I believe, it's called.

Basically, like a one-man show of...

Just Bono telling his kind of life story,

like where he grew up.

His extracts from his book.

Oh, so it wasn't music.

It's basically like a West End show,

like a Broadway show.

And then he'd sing...


Like break into kind of U2 songs

in a song in a different way without the band.


Just basically him, you know, producer.

Girl in a harp.

Jack Knife Lee, I love, anyway.



That was a treat.

Yeah, the whole thing was...

It was...

If you get a chance to go and see it,

we were very lucky because we saw it in the...

And it was in Teatro de...

Teatro de San Marco.

Which is one of the oldest theaters in the world.

It was the most incredible venue.

You know, how you would imagine

a typical Italian opera house to look.

You know, the royal box was phenomenal.

Gold guilt.

You know, everyone was dressed up to the nines.

It was a real special event.

It was just absolutely fantastic.

And I cried the whole way through it, didn't I?


It was just...

It was a real emotional and insightful show.

And God, his voice was just incredible.

So, that was fantastic.

So, thank you for that.

Ah, pleasure.

Yeah, we...

We met a bono lookalike.

Which we sent round to everyone.

So, we met one and everyone believed it.

Why are you trying to kill my life?

It was funny.

It was...

It's not funny.

I'm mortified.

It was a bono lookalike.

Which was...

It was funny.

It was good getting a picture with him.

He was in Naples local,

who was literally identical to Bono.

And we got a picture with him as a joke thinking,

oh, it's fine.

We'll get that and then compare it to the real one.

Which didn't happen.

So, at least we can pretend that was...

We met Bono.

But, you know, a great trip all the same.

We went to Pompeii,

which was really enlightening.

I did a lot of research on Naples in general.

Because we went with Caroline and John,

which I mentioned before, are like so clever.

You know, dates and facts are just rolling off their tongue.

So, we were like,

not going to let these two fucking make out that was stupid.

So, we did our homework, didn't we?

We've got a little book on Naples.

You know, seven castles in Naples.

Costel de Ovo.

The egg one.

We were right next to that.

There's one problem.

I can't retain any information.

And I just don't know why.

Do you think...

I don't know if it's like menopause or...

It's general thickness.

I was so...

It should box down the thickness.

I actually was talking about this to one of my friends.

You know, I had like three kids in four years.

And, you know,

I had three kids under four or under five at one stage.

And, you know,

the whole life becomes centred around them.

You kind of don't speak to any other adult humans.

You're not listening to the news.

You're not reading the papers.

You're not reading books.

And, you know, I really feel like at this time,

I'm searching for some kind of knowledge

and I need to get...

What are you laughing at, you?

What the hell are you laughing at?

I'm just trying to recall the time when you had a big bookworm.


You know, we don't have to...

Like, every time me and Pete go away together,

I read a book and I can read a whole book in a day,

you know, if it's interesting.

But I really feel like at this point in my life,

now all the kids are in school,

I need to kind of do me and enrich my brain somehow.

You can talk to me.

Yeah, but we can't do this.

You know, and then this pod doesn't help

when we're getting, you know, these mental questions in

from our listeners who are definitely bringing down the tone

of our pod, by the way.

They are making it.

Some of these comments...

You know, we don't want to hear any yoghurt chucks.

Crash the yoghurt truck.

Last week tickled me.

Beaver emojis, what more do you want?

I know, but this is not me anymore.

I've decided.

What you're trying to do is you're getting to a certain age

where you've realised knowledge is power

and you want to increase that knowledge.


Which is a great thing.

You know, we can do it.

I was going to be a fucking doctor until I met you.


God, you crushed my dreams.

Docs are, really?


I'm basically a doctor.

So, yeah, Pompeii, going back to Pompeii, it was incredible.

Crazy to see how well-preserved these...

Well, Pompeii is.

And, you know, the Romans were incredible pioneers

and, you know, coming up with, you know, the pipe system

and water and central heating.

And, you know, they took a lot of inspiration from the Greeks.

I said, yeah, we had a guide.

And I was talking to him as a guide.


And Aben, our French son Caroline, were behind.

And he told me that this was the reason they called this

whatever it was, was because it was the house of the boar.

The wild boar.

Which is what you said, Abbey.

Wild boar, basically.

And it was printed on the road.

And I just said, and obviously I said to the guide,

I said, let me say this, as if I know it.

And then when you all came up, I said,

is this the house of the boar?

Caroline was like...

Aben's face went...

Oh, yeah, I thought it was.

And he went, very good, Peter.

How did you know?

And I was like, I just read up on it.

But I pulled him like five seconds before.

And then he was like, oh, my God.

I was like, yeah, I just...

I know my stuff.

The thing is, it's like, you know,

the guide was asking us questions throughout the whole trip.

So why do you think this? Why do you think that?

And I genuinely knew every answer.

But I got stage fright and thought,

I can't know this answer.

It must be wrong.

So I would say something else.

And then he'd go, oh, no, it was, you know,

85 foot or whatever the answer was.

And I was like, God, you know,

just having that confidence to believe in yourself

and answer the question correctly

instead of being a complete twerp like me.

What, like a bollocks?

Well, a complete load of bollocks.

So you just said you knew the answer

every time he's going to say something.

You know, I knew that.

I did.

But I gave the wrong one instead.

Oh, God.

Well, I don't need you to believe me.

I know in my heart.

Listen, I know, I know you.

And I know you're highly intelligent.

I know you are.

Plenty of people don't think that.

Just because I've got a scous accent

doesn't mean I'm not clever.

I know you are.

But like, you know, it's like,

it's okay to not know.

But I love it.

It's like when we went to the Guinness factory

and you were all moaning,

because I was asking all the questions

and you just wanted to go and have a pint.

You know, I was genuinely interested in all of that.

I was interested.

But like, every time you stopped,

he was like, how many hops go in this?

How much barley do you use?

But we've come, we've come...

Piss off.

We just want a beverage now.

But we've come home from both,

both trips a little bit, you know,

from Dublin and from Naples,

a little bit more intelligent.


And a little bit more wiser.

And I think, you know...

I'm into it as well, I'm into it.

That's great.

You know, gone are the days

when you just want to go on holiday

and just get, like, smashed for the weekend.

I actually want to know stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

It's not all beavers and yoghurt tracks.

You want to know something?

It was in our room.

So I've got a wine of the week.

Oh, you have?

It's a wine slash...

Apology slash...

I'm aware of this now.

Is that a thing?

Okay, this is interesting.

So we had a meeting the other day,

and there was, like, four of us around the table.

And one of the participants in the meeting

kept interrupting every second

and wouldn't let, like, the main person talk.

And it fucking drove me in fucking saying.

Right, so you're getting to know how I feel...


...when you interrupt me.

It's a terrible trait to have.

Annoying, isn't it?

But, well, with regards to me,

I think mine's kind of okay in a way.

Why? For what reason?

If I'm having a serious business meeting,

you know, you shouldn't interrupt.

Like, if you're telling something,

you're, like, long stories that you're dragging out,

like, I can interject and...

You can.

But, you know, when you're trying to...

It's only because you know.

This is my thought.

So, if you're telling a story that I know,

I know it, but I'll be polite and go

and let you tell the story that you're telling.


Do you know what I love about you, actually?

There you go. Like that.

Like that. Like that.

No, can I just...

Do you know why?

No, just to change the subject.

Do you know what I love about you?

You know, when, you know,

everyone puts a bit of elastic on a story.

So, like, if we're telling a story,

that Pete knows and I'm just, like, blatantly lying

and I'd, like, add loads of lazy to the story.

That doesn't even say a word.

Doesn't say a word.

Just plays along.

Not at all. Like, I'll play along.

Like, I'll know if she's...

Respect, bro.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying,

but that respect needs to be realised, I think.

Yeah. Mutually.

Well, I'm telling you just...

Like, I...

Literally, you'll be...

At times, I've heard you lie.

I literally...

That just didn't happen.

In my own head, I'm going,

none of that happened.

So, we met for now in Naples.

Had a lovely dinner with...

You know, he doesn't like fish, do you know?

Something along those lines.

And I go, yeah, we did, yeah.

But you're good at that whereas I always go,

no, we didn't.

Would you do it?

We'll just expose me in front of the camera.



That's not a good teamwork.

It's not.

It's not a good teamwork.

So, yeah, my weekly wine is People Are Interrupt.


Which is very, very...

I can't believe that you're a weekly wine.

I know.

I know.

I can't believe that you're all wine.

I know, but I've come to this self-realisation

and I'm going to try my best not to do it.

I don't believe you for a second.

The minute I go into a story that you know

that's going on too long for your liking,

I guarantee you will be in.

So, on the subjects of weekly wine,

I'm going to stay on the same subject here

with another thing you do.

Oh, fucking hell.

Which is...

If I'm talking to someone,

say, in the kitchen or something like that,

you'll come in and not understand

that I'm talking to somebody

and just say what you need to say

over the top of my conversation.

Yeah, but that's interrupting, isn't it?

Yeah, but like, it's even...

Is it up a level?

It's up a level.

Yeah, because it's basically like,

we're talking but what you're saying

is more important than what we're saying.

Yeah, because I'm thinking constantly.

No, but you'll just burst in and change the subject.

No matter what the conversation was before.

Because in my head,

when you're talking about that, in my head...

That can't be interesting.

You're thinking that cannot be possible.

Those two people can't be as interesting as what I'm saying.

No, in my head, I'm thinking,

yeah, he's saying his own thing,

but I've just thought of something that needs address

and so I'm saying my thing

because my mind works quicker than yours.

Yeah, of course.

You've got to think that, like,

when I go into a room and go,

oh, they look deep in discussion there.

I've got something to say,

but I'll wait till they've finished.

You'll come in and just say it,

no matter what the conversation is.

Well, apparently this is a family trait

because someone said it to my brother as well

and they've come up with a real top tip

on how to stop this.

So if you are in this,

it probably wouldn't work for real life,

but if you are in that meeting scenario,

give them a notepad

and then they can write, you know,

instead of interrupting,

write down what you want to say

and then when everyone's finished,

you can say it then.

So how may I try that?

Yeah, I don't know.

I think it's basic courtesy, isn't it?

I thought that's not your wine.

Well, it was.

I know what your wine is.

What is it?

So when we were on the plane...

She's telling my story now.

I don't even know what my story is.

He was like...

I'm interested to hear my story.

I've told you like all the time now,

like people just go,

oh, that's going in my notes.


Like when I do something.


So we were on the flight

and Pete had a bloody Mary.

Oh, my God.

The woman was pouring in the Tabasco

and I went, yeah, that's enough now.

He went, what?

Don't you dare!

Tell her that's enough Tabasco.

I'm getting this.

I can't believe I forgot this.

I don't.

I'm seeing that.

You know, I've got bloody Mary, right?

She goes,

you like it spicy?

I said yeah.


And she said,

I want to put this like Worcestershire sauce in first.

She didn't say all of that.

She just went,

Worcestershire sauce?

You went, yeah.


Worcestershire sauce.

I would just use them on his Lazy as well.


Boran Lazy though needs to be done.

Yeah, she did.

Stop with the Boran Lazy.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Okay, sorry.

Oh, my God.

You just said you're going to try and stop it.



Well, anyway, she's pouring it in

and she goes,

the lady goes, say when, and I was going, and she went, yep, pardon, she said to me,

say when, and I was, and she went, yep, that'll do, that'll do him.

Did you not even say when?

I was like, that'll do him, excuse me, I'm a fully grown man, explain yourself.

I think it's just because subconsciously, like when you have so many kids, you're always

kind of looking at them at once and checking what they're doing.

I'm basically one of the kids.

So I was just like, I think I was just multitasking again and you just go, yeah, that's enough.

But I just put it, but it was enough, wasn't it?


You actually said it was too spicy.

You know, it's like, it's like the other thing, it's like, I need to sort of stand

my ground as a man and go like, I want loads more, please, just to make sure that it's

my decision.

And then he was drinking an atomic fireball.

Far too strong.

Sweating on the plate.


So yeah, two apologies there, but I'm only looking out for you because I know you better than

you know you.

That's what it is.

That's what it is.

I won't interrupt again.

Okay, icky, icky, sticky icky, ooey, put them in the air.

Don't ever do that again, that's an ick.

Have I just made you ick?

The word ick makes me ick.

I don't even like saying it.

It's disgusting.

It's a terrible word.

Where's your old say it?

It's like my bad.

Oh, hey, bae.



Oh, some bad words.

What's it called?

It's one of the worst words.

There's a new word for bae now, isn't there?

It's not, people don't say bae anymore, they say something else.

I fucking should have done it in the first place.

What's that, BBL or something?

Is it BBL?

Is it BBL?

I need one of them.

Brazilian Batlift.

No, I just think there's a kind of new generation of words.


They make me physically ill.

I don't like that saying is what it is.

Everyone keeps saying that lately, even me.

It's a bit of a cop-out answer, isn't it?

It's a cop-out, but why is everyone saying that lately?

Is that like the new slay?

Do you know what I mean?

These words coming out of your mouth make me feel physically ill.


That's what the kids do, don't they?


I don't know.

What's the difference between an ick and a red flag?

It's not quite as bad.

It's like a red flag, isn't it?

Yeah, red flag's like psycho.

He's going to make you, isn't it?

No, but I think the word that I don't want to say is something that annoys you.

And those annoyance can grow.

No, ick is a turn-off.

Yeah, like, for instance...

Why are you pointing at me?

No, I'm just trying to think of things that it would...

Okay, so this is an audience ick.

People who are white socks with black pants.

The only person that can get away with that is Parker Jackson.

I mean, in what planet are you on?

Jeff Rose in general.

What makes me ick?

What gives me the ick is half socks.

I'm just a man who wears a half sock.

There's, like, a murderer.

I know what you mean, but I think on the golf course, actually, because you can get...

But then you get that ankle thing?

No, because if you wear normal socks, you get, like, really white ankles,

because you're on the golf course sometimes.

Only you do, because you've got gorgeous golden skin.

I wouldn't.

My leg had to stay white.

No, you always get that ankle rash.

Yeah, but that's why I wear socks.

But you don't wear...

If you put a pair of half socks on, I'd literally vomit in your face.


They're not...

They're not big and they're not clever, folks.

It's just for golf.

You couldn't wear them.

Anyone who wears them with a pair of trainers.

I reckon we should...

On a day out.

I reckon, you know, there's a lot...

Some of our single listeners listening to this pod should ask themselves the question,

do they wear a half sock?

And if they do, that's why they're single.

Because I could not go out with a person with a half sock.


I know the practical.

The ones that go underneath the trailer.

I have no idea what we're talking about.

You know them half socks that you just...

Don't have a pull-up.

I think you can get away with it if you can't see it.

If you can see the little half...

No, when someone takes the shoes off and have a half sock on.

They're like, oh, it's like the amazing conscious decision.

Like, do I want my sock on a show today?


Let's go for the half sock then.

That's a good point.

It's like they've gone to a lot of trouble to put it on.

They're like, because it looks better.

It's also admitting that you get sweaty feet.

Because I don't wear socks ever.

Unless I'm wearing a boot.

And I don't have ever, ever have sweaty feet or smelly feet.

I've just never had it in my life.

But you know, sometimes...

Sometimes you did have a bit of spicy feet the other day.

No, I didn't.

Tiny bit.

No, I didn't.

You don't have sweaty, smelly feet either?

No, I don't.

You don't wear socks for any shoes.

Like trainers.


I don't.

That's an egg.

Is it?




Imagine the feeling of your feet as I have a bear shoe.

A bear shoe.

I suppose it's like we're no underbands.

Like Jason, our friend wears no undies.

He went to a suit fit for my wedding with no undies on.

I was like, mate, you've got to go and do your suit.

He was like, I can't because I've got no pants on.

Lend your undies there.

He's literally...

I only got to take his trousers off and put a new pair on.

And he didn't have any pants on.


I used to do that in school.

I used to wear no knickers with tights.

When I was a kid, I couldn't wear knickers and tights together.

I remember us doing PA.

And they were...

I had to take my tights off and they were like, you know, get ready for PA.

You remember, you used to get ready.

You used to get changed in the classroom.

Like in front of everyone, primary school.

And I asked Miss Pepper when teacher was called.

I loved her.

And she was like, you have to take your tights off.

And I said I had this condition on my legs.

No way.

But I couldn't take my tights off because I was so scared.

Just admit that I didn't wear knickers with tights.

You know what, I just thought of it as well.

You know, you said you only wear socks and boots.

Like obviously, I will go out and look incredible, right?

And she'll get home and take her boots off.

She's got like a pair of my fucking umbrellas on.


You know?

She's got gorgeous little black mini dress.

Some knee-high boots, right?

She looks spectacular and pull them off and she's got a pair of umbrellas.

I actually like...

Do you know what socks I love under a knee-high boot?

You know them compression socks?

So you've got them compression socks from like football or whatever.

So it's like a thigh sock, like a knee sock.

But it's like a spank sock.

And I love wearing them under your boots.

Because if you're on your feet all day and your legs swell.

Well, you know what?

I've got so many from the listeners.

Half socks and white socks with black pants is a no-go.


When men dangle their legs from a bar stool,

just prop them up on the stool and stop swinging.

Well, I don't know where...

I've never ever been able to dangle my legs off a stool on neither of you.

Well, I just put them on the floor.


There's another option for me.

Regardless of the height of the stool there or permanently on the floor.

So it's not swinging from me.

On the chairs, anyway.

The only chair you've dangled your leg off was a...

like one of them swings in the fair.

Which one?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, they're so high up.

That feels liberating.

Oh, no.

That's what I'm saying.

You're like, oh, I can dangle my legs.

Well, you don't even want to go on like the nemesis or towels.

You can't go on there.

You're too tall.

No, I do go on.

But on the nemesis, obviously your legs are hanging, aren't they?

You're not allowed on nemesis.

I always worry.

I always cross them because I think if anyone's going to smash their leg on the rock,

it's going to be me.

So I literally go on a nemesis and just pull my knees in.

You're not allowed on nemesis?

Well, I got thrown off.

You got thrown off?

No, I got thrown off the one at Chesterton.

That was embarrassing.

I was sitting there in the thing and you know, usually it's like, you know, some big fella

can't get his thing on.

Everyone goes, oh, well, I was that person.

They were like, oh, he said, he's just too big for this.

And I went, oh, please, no.

So I had to unfold myself out of the carriage.

The whole ride was, everyone was looking at me.

It's like when Sophia went to that summer camp and she wouldn't let Pete take her in

because Pete was like, why don't you let me walk you in?

And she was like, because dad, you're too tall.

I don't want everyone looking at you.

Pete was traumatized.

And then when he went to pick her up, she was like, dad, get out the car.

So he was like, oh my God, I got told this morning I can't get out the car.

Now she told me to come in because when she realized like all the boys were like football

fans and love to dad, she was like, come in and so I can show you off now.

I went from not being allowed in.

I went from not being allowed in to then like, you know, come and say hello.

OK, I've got another ick here.

When the missus says pooey, when she changes the daughters name.

Yeah, on that, massively on that.

It's like, it's along the lines of Rupert.

Oh, Rupert's done a big shit, right?

Oh, pooey, obviously they wouldn't say big shit.

But they're going, oh, pooey, that's a definite thing.

You can't, can't say that.

It's not good.

Just say, oh, he's had a dump here, bollocks.

OK, my husband, since I got him to listen to your podcast with the Beaver emoji,

got one within 10 minutes.

Really? This is great.

So many people have.

You've actually had a few of your friends messaging you, haven't you?

You're saying they've just tried out the Beaver, doesn't it?

Yeah, I'd won, yeah, Premier League footballer, actually,

who texted me and said, doesn't work, mate.

No, you said, you've just said the Beaver emoji,

and you said, and, and he went, not one bit.

No, no, no sniff whatsoever.

Welcome to my world.

My husband's bum shape.

Oh, no.

Gives her the ick.

Oh, that's terrible.

Yeah, but I know you think the same of mine.

Do you know what's like a big ick for women?

It's not for me, but I told you the other day, Ross,

men who own cats, single men who own cats.

That's a great shout.

People get really...

I find it. I wouldn't trust them.

I don't think I trust them.

I love cats.

Yeah, yeah, but I wouldn't trust a single man with a cat.

What about a single man with a dog, though?

Oh, yeah, that's cool.

It's like a single dad.

I think it's okay.

I think it's okay.

It's slightly better than a cat.

I think, I don't know.

I feel like a cat is a female.

I don't know.

They're very similar, aren't they?


In what sense?

A loof moody.

A loof moody sly.

Yeah, like selfish.


Our cats aren't like that.

Our cats are lovely.

Look at Maggie.

If I was a cat, I'd want to be...

If I was a woman, I'd want to be Maggie.

She goes out, hunts her own food, comes in.

She's, you know, intelligent.

She goes into everyone else's house and eats their cat food.

I'm not being anti-cat at all.

I like our cats.

They sit on my knee, I stroke them and all that.

But if I was a single man, I would not have a cat.

I'm pretty safe to say that I reckon a lot of men...

So if we split up, you want me to take the cats?

No, it's not like...

They are our cats now, you know?


Yes, is the honest answer.

I don't say I don't love them,

but I don't always beware of the single man with a cat.

Think you had one, didn't you?

Dr. Evil.

Dr. Evil?

He did.

Hairless one as well.

Hairless? Oh, I quite like them.

No way.

No, no, I think you've got to be pretty...

I don't know, yeah.

I just, I wouldn't associate it.

I think it's the people I knock about with, like,

I don't think they would have a cat.

There's plenty of other, you know, there's plenty of different...

Many people have cats nowadays.

Yeah, there's this case and cats, and I've always had cats.

You know, my whole life, they've always been in my family.

None of them have been my choice.

I like cats, but I wouldn't have one.

I wouldn't choose to go and get one.

You can't deny a kitten is not the cutest baby animal in the world.

No, they're lovely, they're lovely.

But could you see me, right?

Seriously, right?

If you, if you weren't with me and, you know,

you met me and you went back to my house.

And there was a cat littered you in your bedroom.

I said, are you, are you sure you're not,

are you sure you haven't got a girlfriend?

No, no.

What makes you think that?

Just me and Trixie.

You would run.

You would run.


Have you made up, actually?

Many take baths.

Oh, I love a bath.

I had a bath last night, didn't give you any problems, did it?

I actually got in after you, which gives me the ick.


Cos I've never, ever got in your bath.

You always get in mine.

Oh, you have to wait half an hour.

Like it's, it's, it's cool down.

That scolding bath thing you do is mad.

It doesn't give you the ick.

No, but it's just hurt.

I come out like, and I was, Michael McIntire said this before.

You come out like pink.

They're down.

Yeah, so hot, are they?

But you love my baths because I put like all the epsom salts in

and the essential oils.

There's enough on here, right?

People who run off the buses.

Like what?

I love that.

But like, if you're, I'm just imagining like an attractive girl

or whatever, like, like just standing there, watching a man

and going, ugh.

Like what's that about?

He wants to get on the bus.

Look at that loser.

It doesn't want to be leap away.

Look at that.

Loser trying to be on time.

I always like when people run for their bus and miss it.


So funny.

And you see them like that.

The best ones are in the tube and they run for the tube

and it closes in their face and then where'd you go from there?

The whole carriage is laughing at you.

And you just got to go around and wait for the next one.

Didn't want it anyway.


But running for bus is a bit harsh.

My wife got the ick because I asked for a photo with a footballer

on the train home from Disney and she said I was an embarrassment

and she'd leave him alone as he's on holiday with his family.

I've seen this a few times with Bella's coming over

and then the wife has to take the picture

and she's mortified that it's happening, the whole situation.

But if anyone wants to finish really happy,

it's like double thumbs up.

Not caring the world.

You can see the woman's going, oh my God, this is making me ill.

It does happen that.

I know something gave me the ick of the other day.

Do you remember when I found that lost dog

and it was an old dog and it was like cat rags.

It was blind.

It was full of mud.

It was like a bit of a scary looking little thing

and I flagged one of a car down in our road

and this man got out and he was scared of the dog

and he gave me the ick.

I'm like, you're a man just looking to grab the dog.

It was a chihuahua as well.

It was a chihuahua.

I get that.

I gave me the ick because I'm just reading one here.

I got the ick the other day after watching a day try to shoot away a pigeon

and the pigeon didn't move.

Oh my God.


That was like when I ran away from the squirrel.

Did that make you feel like a little bit disgusting?

Well, we were new.

Some squirrel though.

We were new then.

So I was trying to not let it give me the ick.

But people were like, ah!

We're always running from the pigeon, right?

He went like this.

No, it wasn't a pigeon.

It was a squirrel.

He went, oh, look at this cute little guy.

The pigeon just started, the pigeon.

The squirrel just tried to run up his leg.

He thought he was thinking he was a tree.

And he was like, ah!

Like running through Chester and the pigeon.

Why do I keep saying pigeon?

And the squirrel was chasing.

I got chased in Chester and we were walking through this park

and you just walk into squirrels.

I mean, you just walk into pigeons.

They're just scatter, right?

They just run.

I just walked into squirrel.

It ran at me.


And then I just kept walking fast away from it.

And then it just kept chasing.

So in the end, I got a little jog on.

And I thought to myself, she was screaming.

It wasn't a jog.

And you were screaming.

She must think I'm such a wimp.

It's like one of our, it was really early on in our relationship.

It was quite early on.

And I was running from the squirrel.

It wasn't good.

I knew it wasn't good.

I knew it was giving you that feeling.

But I was scared of it.

It was like it was going to attack me.

You did it in...

Because bizarrely, like, and this is true,

you genuinely don't give me the ick on anything.

And that's like...

I appreciate that.

That's hand on heart.

Like, but, you know, when we went to Longleath the other day

and you wouldn't hold a tarantula.

If you were an...

You've never let me forget that.

If you were a new date...

I would hold a tarantula.

That would be over.

Oh, really?

If you couldn't hold a spider.

Because how could you protect me?

No, but you held the tarantula

and the kids were so happy with you holding it.

And you said,

do you want to hold it?

I said, no, one of the parents has held it.

I think that's fine, though.

I remember when I was young and I was...

I think we were okay.

But I've been back since

and I've held the tarantula.

Because it really offended you?

It did.

Because you didn't want me to forget it.

And I thought, when I go back there,

I'm going to make sure I hold it.

It's like that.

When I was younger,

I went on a date with this guy.

I remember I've told you the story.

So I used to work in this shop,

like Vintage,

and they had like a market stall in this market

in Liverpool, Graty, which I loved.

And he was a guy there.

And he was like really good looking,

like model good looking.

Long hair, all of that jazz.

And he asked me out on a date.

So I said, yeah.

And then when we swapped numbers,

he was texting me about what he was wearing on the date

and what am I wearing.

And then he was like, I'm going to wear these little...

I'm just making this part of white shirt

and then a black pants or whatever.

And accessories as well.

And I'm going to wear these little bracelets,

like black and white bracelets,

to match the outfit.

And I was like, safe to say,

I didn't go on the date and blocked them.

Literally, I was like, no.

Because you're not...

You just literally wear what's clean.

And I love that about you.

You don't even like look in the mirror.

You just like, that's a clean white T-shirt.

That's a clean pair of jeans.

Put it on, you're out the door.

Yeah, yeah, no, I don't...

Yeah, I get why that would...

I couldn't be arsed with a man who was like,

so into the way they looked.

That's Iggy.


That's definitely isn't like that.

Wash and go.

That can't be a conscious decision.

He hasn't thought about that.

No way.

This is even clean.

This is funny.

When my other half fills the car with fuel

and goes, she's thirsty.

These people, surely not.

I don't know.

There's no one in my friendship group

that would say that.

No way.

She's thirsty.

She's a thirsty one.

I hate that as well, do you?

She's a feisty one.

Think those kind of comments.

You can't say that, can you?

What about this one?

This is plain simple.


Magicians do.

Some magicians are cool.

If I could do a trick now.

Yeah, fucking David Blaine's cool.

No, if you can walk into a pub and do a trick,

that's a good thing.

I think she's talking about those kind of things.

She's talking about Steven Mullen.

That's what she's talking about.

How do you know?

You can just tell.

Steven Mullen.

Oh, it's bad you're here.

I went to a kids' party yesterday

and the magician was absolutely insane.


I actually couldn't believe it.

And then he got this platypus.

Puppet out.

And it was filthy.

It looked like he just found it in a skip.

It looked like it had been wet

and then air dried in a muddy puddle.

He went to one of the moms.

He got the platypus.

I went to the dog and like that.

I went to the mom.

And then she went,

oh, the platypus wants a kiss.

And the woman went to kiss it

and he just grabbed her face with this old platypus.

But like, with such force,

nearly knocked her out.

And I was thinking, oh my God,

it's filthy and she shit herself.

All the kids were traumatised.

See, in the mom just getting like

literally assaulted by this platypus.

I couldn't believe it.

But yeah, magicians.

I'm with you.

Oh, it's funny that there's a footballer here.

When they've supported Everton all their life

and at the age of 32 decided to support Liverpool

because his new mates support Liverpool.

Do you know what?

That's just...

You're more fun, isn't you?

I'm even...

I'm a fater.

Yeah, or a Liverpool fan.

I mean, that's just absolutely ridiculous.

Do you know what?

That actually gives...

I think the thing about that,

what gives me the ick

is how people's minds are changed

surrounded by the...

depending on what group they're in.

You know, people who change who they are

to be with in different groups.

That gives me the ick.

It's no good.

That is it.

What be you, who you are.

Haven't you?

I'm not surprised.

He didn't want to support Everton, though.

Yeah, I think it was a different...

if it was a different team,

I could understand it,

but if you're an Everton fan,

I'd get it.

So do I.


And finally, people who use the word ick.

I'm glad I didn't know that was at the bottom.

That's my thing.

Out of all those things there,

people who use that word,

I can't even bring myself to say it.

You've just been saying it for about half an hour.

If you use ick...

I haven't.

If you think about it,

if you use the word ick,

you're a dick.

Or a prick.

And you give me the ick.

And you make me sick.

Oh, God, icks.

Do I give you the ick at all?


Not in...

not in any way.

I don't think there's one thing...

Yeah, there's...

You annoy me at times.

But there's nothing that I go...

Runs are funny.

I think sometimes.


Yeah, like, I think...

When you see me run?

No, no, because your run's fine.

Don't you find?

But I'm just saying, like...

I mean that.

Your run's not bad.

You've got a fine run.

It's fine.

I won the fucking relay in the garden.

I won the race.

Yeah, your run's fine,

but I'm not saying I've got a good run

because I play football,

but I look like a fucking antelope.

But, like, if someone's got...

Like, someone could be really attractive, right?

They go, oh, no, I'm late for the bus.

And do...

Oh, yeah?

You know, like, girlfriend friends.


You know, and then do this, like, ridiculous run.

Or even, like, a little shop.

Like, a little...

I tell you what gives me the ick.

Like, you're a big fella and you go, oh, he's gorgeous.

And then he does a little duck run to the bus.

You go, oh, my God.


Do you know what else?

Similar to those...

On those lines.

You know, when I was in Boots the other day,

he was this, like, really good looking guy.

And then...

Oh, was it? Yeah.


I was in Boots as well.

You were with me?

You were with me?

We discussed it.

We discussed it.

We laughed about it together.


I like Pete.

Do you know, like, having, like, a really bad voice.

Remember, he was, like, a good, like, strapping young man

and then he had, like, a terrible voice like that.

And he went, excuse me, should I wear the earplugs off?

And we were like, oh, my God.

I wasn't expecting that voice to come out of him.

Do you remember?

Do you remember?

And we were like, isn't it unfortunate

if you've got a bad voice, a bad speaking voice?

That's so true, yeah.

So true.

I wasn't...

Yeah, it's a bad one.

That wasn't his voice.

Where did it come from?

I don't know.

Bad voices.

That is a bad one, yeah.

But you can't be helped sometimes.

An ick is hard to undo, though.

Like, an ick early on in a relationship could be

the difference between the next date, I think.

Yeah, because you're not, you know, he might have been

absolutely perfect, but then, you know,

he might run for the bus at the end and ruin it.

It's like on Shallow Hill, remember,

when he was going out with that unbelievable,

good-looking girl and he didn't want to go out with her again

because she had a long second toe.


And he was like...

And she was like hot, like 12 out of 10.

And he was disgusted and wouldn't go out with her

because she had a long toe.

Yeah, but like...

And they're very personal to people, aren't they?

Like, it's something that annoys you or...

Do you know what ick...

...makes you feel ill.

I'm thinking of loads of icks now.

Do you know what icks me?


You know when you're like...

Can you stop saying the word ick?

You know when...

You know when you say, like,

give someone a compliment, they go like...

That is specific.

You know, like, when someone...

When you say something to someone and they're, like,

pleased with themselves.

It's just like, I know.

I know.

I just can't see the icks so much.

I don't know, like, because you ask compliment you

and you'll just come back with something

just really, like, aggressive.

So I'll say, you look gorgeous there and you go, fuck off.

So I give you the ick?

Well, no, it's just a...

I just say it's a bit of a reminder, I think.

It's like, you know, I'll go,

oh, God, don't you look gorgeous there?

No, no, I don't.

I wonder if...

I wonder if that could be, like,

one of the reasons why we're still together after 16 years,


We haven't got any.

We haven't got any icks?

I genuinely can't...

I want to think of one.

And there's nothing that...

You know, there's certain things, like,

we talk about that we say,

you know, the weekly wines,

we have a few of those,

but there's nothing that...

But they're not icks?

There's nothing that makes me feel like that with you.

It's all...


What did you look at my arm?

What about, like, my...

Why did you look at my arm?

Are you thinking of an ick and looking at my arm?


You are?

I'm not...

Ugh, freckles.

You said you like that.

There's nothing that, like...

There's nothing you do with it.

Oh, I'm away.

We'll be fine.

Shut up.


So, yeah, I mean, if you...

If your partner is, I think...

I don't know, because it is...

Because this...

Some of them aren't...

It's not their fault, really.

You know, like, if you do things like...

If you run funny for a bus or...

You know, the long nails you can address, can't you?


Half socks are easily addressable.


Do you bring it up?


You just say...

If I wore a pair of half socks and had long nails,

you'd say those nails are disgusting

and take the half socks off,

and I wouldn't do it again.


I've never seen you in a half sock.

I've done it a few times.

Where'd you get them from?

You can buy them in golf shop.

If I forget my socks or something like that, like...

How would you forget your socks?

So you've gone out sockless?

No, but you'd want to change into your socks after.

Like, it's golf socks and then there's not...

That's my first day.

You, the fucking dopiest, most unorganised man on the planet.

Can't say I'm not organised for golf.

But I remember to bring a separate sock for golf.

Yeah, do you?


Change of clothes.


Clothes I get, but not a sock.

I've got a sock in it.

Well, I think we should get into some of these agony abs, do you?

Do you want to go first or shall I?

I'll do it. You go first.


Hi, Abby and Pete.

My missus thinks it's okay to come for one drink with the lads.

It's never one fucking drink, though, is it?

She's so smart, it infuriates me

because she knows exactly what she's doing.

The lads won't tell her to leave when she hints at leaving.

The lads are like, one more drink, come on.

Two things I'd like to pick out here.

A, fuck off, and let me bitch to the lads

about how you're being a pest.

And B, us lads need to talk sports

and how you could have been pros if we didn't care about.

We can't say that.

Women at 14.

Regards, soon to be single.



Spanish and on.

You always ask me to come for one.

You do?

But I know why.

So I can stay?


No, I think sometimes I'm having such a good time

and I know you're at home sitting there doing nothing.

So I'm like, you might as well come up.

So I've got no...

You might as well come up.

Does that feel bad?

I don't ever want you to start a sentence to me

with you may as well.

Because you did that when we moved in together.

You may as well move in, you may as well come up.

It means I don't really want you to.

But, okay, just come then.

Well, I'm glad you've got it.

You may as well fuck off.

It's working then.

No, because you always invite me for a drink

and then I come and then you literally sit there

for like an hour bragging about how amazing I am

and how I can...

It's rare that you can find a girl that would

be able to sit with the boys.

And then you really embarrass me and then I don't want to come.

Is that tactic?

No, no, no.

There are times where...

Because the thing is with you, you can hold a court

with the lads, no problem.

There are other wives out there who would be like

bored stiff, not getting involved, don't want to be there.

But with you, I know I could bring you up in any situation

and you'll be involved and it'll feel quite smooth and fine.

Well done for that.

I always invite you out with the girls.

You love her.

You always love it.

Listen, I don't hate it.

You know, you'll make some quite fun as well.

It's all good.

I don't mind.

How does he address this then?

I think he's got to just say,

no, I'm with the lads tonight.

I'll see you tomorrow.

But what do you do if I said that to you?


It's just the girls.

It's totally fine.

I'll be totally fine with that.

But that annoys me the way you're fine with that.

But that's totally fine.

I don't want you to be fine.

I don't want to go in with like eight girls

talking about, you know, girls and stuff.


Talking about clothes and makeup.

And kittens.

Is that what we talk about?

Is that what you're about to say?

I wasn't about to say that.

I wasn't talking about that.

I was talking about like...

In my book club.

There's definitely times where you should be with girls

and times I should be with boys.

You do need that sometimes.

I'm sure you vent anger to your female friends

about me sometimes, I'm sure you do.


Are we such a bastard?

I don't want to be involved in that.

But I'm not...

I'm not...

Such a bastard.

I want you to miss me, though,

if I say I want to girls.

I don't want you to just take it and go,

that's fine.

I want you to be like, oh my God.

I do like it, mate.

Please invite me.

There are times where you should do your thing

and I should do mine.


That's just great.

And I think that, you know,

going back was good advice for him.

Next one.

I'm not going to be like,

it's going back was good advice for him.

Next one.

So, you know Mickey Flanagan?

It's a girl thing.

Sorry, you can't come.

Is that okay?

Yeah, but that's not a girl thing, is it?

It is.

It's not, though.

Go to Magic Mike with your mates.

Oh, as if.

I wanted to go to Magic Mike and you said no.

Literally, we were going to do it

because it's 50 of them.

People were like, you're not going to that.

No, I said it.

Imagine if I turn round to them,

we're going to strippers for Tommy's birthday.

I'm like, there's a difference between a strip club

and Magic Mike.

Well, if it is, it's all.

If I said to you,

I'm going to String Fellows for the evening.

Oh, Instant Divorce.

It's the same thing.

It's male strippers.

It's not male strippers, the qualified dancers.

So are the girls in String Fellows.

It's a fucking lot.

Hi, Ab.

We love your podcast and it would be hilarious

if you could read this,

because my fella will watch.

My fella is obsessed with grabbing my toes

and cracking them.

I absolutely hate it,

but he's obsessed.

When I ask him to stop,

he takes it personally,

as though pulling on my toes

is a romantic gesture.

He's never indicated that he's got a foot fetish

in the bedroom,

but I genuinely think he gets a bit of a kick out of it

and I'm not a fan.

Any advice on how we can get through this?

Ashley, yes.

Don't wear your half socks with your trainers.

Make sure you've got a nice cheesy scent on your feet.

Oh, yeah.

She's probably putting his feet on his lap or something.

How's he near the feet anyway?

She must be lying on him.

If you're lying on me,

I'll give you a foot massage.

She's on the bar still and he's on the floor.

He's on the floor in a gimp mask.

She's dangling her legs off the bar still

and he's lying on the floor like that.

Well, I think it's a sign of affection,

but if it's making you feel uncomfortable,

just say like,

will you stop with the cracking of the feet?

I do it to the kids.

Click the feet.

I quite like that.

You don't like it when I bend your finger over or flick it?

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Because it makes me feel like there's veins.

Have you ever done that?


So if you bend your fingers over

and flick the tip,


I'm always flicking the tip.

There's like no...

The tendon is like relaxed,

so it like flicks.

And it's like a real nice feeling.

It's not nice feeling.

It's not...

Pete hates it when I do...

You also hate it when I push your cuticles down.

No, I can't stand that either, yeah.

Well, you're like a little like chimp.

I know.

It's like picking stuff, don't you?


It's all that about.

But I don't...

You know, if it is a noise,

she needs to just...

Get to stop it, yeah.


In my opinion,

I would say it's a sign of affection.

Yeah, it's indeed.

You know, if he likes to go do your toes,

they're not the nicest part of the body, are they?

I think...

I don't mind feet.

I quite like them.




Well, I like your feet.

I don't like random feet.


And I like my kid's feet.

Don't you get on social media sometimes?

I love baby's feet.

People will say,

we send us a photo of your feet and stuff like that.


Do you get that?

Mad thing, though.

Because I haven't got the nicest feet in the world.

It's the quite bunion-esque.


Yeah, but there's people out there that...

And one of my toes is like size four,

but I'm a seven.

On one foot,

my toes huge,

my big toes huge.

I've got one nice foot.

My left foot's nice,

but my right one's not.


Hi, I'm Pete.

Absolutely love the pod.

My problem is to do with my husband,

who I absolutely love.

We have a two-year-old,

who I also absolutely love.

We both work an hour from home,

and sometimes get home with very little time

before the baby goes to bed.

We then have tea with just the two of us,

which works great.

However, twice-weekly...

No idea.

However, twice-weekly,

my husband does not come home from work.

He goes to his beloved jujitsu class.

I admire my husband for doing this

as he always says it helps his mind and body,

keeps him fit.

And I don't have a problem with the why.

I'm actually all for it.

The issue is that I'm on my own

for these two nights with the baby.

I then have to make tea,

and don't end up sitting down until 9 p.m.

after a whole working day.

Sometimes the baby doesn't want to go to sleep,

meaning I am up in his bedroom

until sometimes 9 o'clock.

I then, by this point,

have had no break, no tea,

and then my husband comes home all sweaty

and exhilarated from his class.

On the other hand, I'm exhausted,

yet to make the tea clean up

and get to bed myself.

Don't get me wrong.

He does sometimes take over

making the tea.

But I'd love to do a class myself,

and he often says I should.

But if I did, the baby would then be

without a mum and dad for four nights a week,

which I don't think's right.

So I don't do anything for myself.

We argue about this a lot.

I asked if he would change class somewhere closer

so that he isn't gone for so long,

but he refuses and says it's non-negotiable.

I feel I'm constantly given a short straw.

He might just throw a karate move at her

if she carries on.

She could get jujitsu'd.

Am I simply being daft

as I'm so grateful for my husband?

I don't want to moan at him

for doing what makes him happy,

but this makes me unhappy at the moment.

I'd love to know how you tackle this.

Thanks again for your pod.

Love, why are you with a wine in my hand?

Well, I think that's the hard part

about being a working parent.

As a woman and a mother,

I am a worker.

I think you can say that.

You do get the mum guilt

going to work and thinking,

oh, God, I'm not there for bedtime

and feeding the kids and putting them to bed,

but it's reality.

You also want time for yourself as well.

Work is not that time for herself.

I'd love to go to the gym,

but I can't because it's so busy with the kids

and your own work.

And for you, sometimes you're not there

for bath, bed, tea time,

and I'm on my own to do all of that.

It is hard juggling all of that,

and so I totally relate to her

because I felt like this at times myself.

But I would say it is important

to have that bit of you time.

I've just started horse riding again

because Pete thinks me going to work

is a little bit day off for me or whatever,

going to work because I'm just getting my makeup done.

Similar to what you said for 15 years

about me kicking a ball around with my mates.

Yeah, basically.

But you know, it's so important

to have that bit of you time

and he's getting his going to the Judith too.

He has said.

How long is the bloody class?

If he's coming in, I've denied.

I think it's further afield, you know what I mean?

It's quite a way away from their house.

She said, can you move it closer?

And he's like, no, that's my class.

That's my club.

That's my club, you know?

And he's got mates there probably.

But he's also said,

why don't you go one or two days a week

and do something which I think she should take?

She feels guilty about it.

But we've had that discussion where

if you're doing something and then you're like,

well, why don't you go and do something?

But then it's like, well, that's two nights away.

We're both away from the kids and away from each other.

So we kind of don't want to do it.

On the flip side of that, you could look at it like,

you get some quality time just you and the kids

and then I get some quality time just me and the kids

and then the weekend we can do something as a family.

You get something, you know, you do something for yourself.

I do something for myself.

You know, we have quality time with the kids

and then you have a weekend together.

Like, it actually could work out okay.

But I know I get it because you get it as well

because you feel guilty about going to do things for you.


You know, and you shouldn't.

You know, because if I was a jiu-jitsu man,

you know, on a Tuesday I wouldn't want to do it.

But you play golf.

Like golf's like a long day.

Yeah, but like the thing is that I'm lucky enough

to be able to do it with the kids at school.

You know, very rarely I play on a weekend.


You know what I mean?

I'd get it done when the kids at school.

What did you work on the weekend?

Yeah, but you know what I'm saying?

Like I would, I would feel a bit, a bit,

like if I was doing something regularly in the evening,

after work.

Because a lot of men are in like football teams and stuff,

aren't they, and go and play fiverside and stuff?

Yeah, but I'm lucky in my job that I can,

every now and then I'll have like a Tuesday off

where I can do something for myself when the kids are at school.

Whereas some people are working nine to five,

five days a week.

And there's no physical time to do it.

There's no physical time unless you do it on a weekend

or you do it in the evening.

And you're going to go insane if you don't have those things.

And it is hard, you know, if she's out at work all day as well

and then doing all that on her own and missing a husband

and he's getting a release and she isn't.

I think they kind of need to address it now because,

you know, then to avoid resentment building up.

Definitely, yeah.

And I think she should take it.

Why can't he just do one class a week?

I don't know.

He should just do one and then she can do one

and then that's not an extra day away from the kids.

I think that's the solution.

Okay. Yeah.

Hi guys.

A year and a bit ago I was seeing this guy

and we had planned to meet for the first time,

which was very exciting because all had gone well up until this point.

But when I met him, he had brought me a drawing

that he had done of one of my Instagram pictures.


Drawing what?

When I met him, he brought me a drawing he had done

of one of my Instagram pictures, which he had traced

using tracing paper of me and a bikini from behind.

I didn't know what to say, so I thanked him

and said he didn't need to do that,

but it's safe to say I never saw him again after that.

As he gave me the Ick, he brought chocolate too,

which was nice, but the picture was not.

Was it mean or was that valid?

Totally valid.

Tracing full stop just gives me the fucking Ick.

I'm just thinking, if I pulled your picture off the internet

or off the Instagram and I was at home on my own

tracing a girl with a bikini and then I brought it to you

and said, there you go, I've been doing that,

even though I've not met you.

There's got to be alarm bells there, surely.

I'll just say, you just say, you've got to ask a great picture of that.

I'm a good juror, you know.


Even if he's using Trace for paper.

But surely, you should have the fair state

because obviously, let's forget that it's Trace for a moment.

And it's like, what do you do?

I'm an artist.

Oh my God, that's amazing.

You're an artist.

What do you draw?


Oh my God, great.

She knows that he's an artist and he can draw.

So on the next meeting, he goes, look, I've made you this.

That's okay, but you don't trace an Instagram picture.

And bring it on.

He's like basically admitting he's been like scrolling through the gram as well.

Poaching the air.

Yeah, a bit much.

That's hilarious.

Some people are absolutely mental, aren't they?

What are people thinking?

I just don't know.

I don't know what.

No, that's completely valid.

It's a strange one.

That's hilarious.


Hey guys, big love to the show.

Crouchy preferred the other pod, but here we are.

Big love, Johnny.

Anyway, we went out with the girl recently and we had a nice time getting drunk at the


It was our second date and I've just moved out my mums into my own place.

I'm fairly busy on the dating scene.

We got back to my place.

There was a giant bogey on the end of her nose.

I decided to ignore it because she was pretty fit and I didn't want to embarrass her.

So a few drinks later, despite the bogey, we headed to the bedroom for some Swedish house


When we finished, the absolute boulder that was on the end of her nose was smudged onto

my neck.

I'm seeing her again, nevertheless, as I actually quite like her.

It just goes to show you, you can look past Ix.


That's unfortunate there, isn't it?

It's like lippy on the teeth, isn't it?

Also, if he's kissing her, can't he just go for a central nose rub at the same time?

You just go, oh, let's get that off.

Because then it'll be on his arm or something?

Yeah, but you know, he's with her.

Should we just get it off your nose?

What if it was a stringy one though?

Babe, shut up.

If I am, I'm just putting myself in that scenario.

If I was on a second date with you.

And you wiped a bogey off my nose?

No, and you wiped a bogey off my nose.

I would want to curl up and the floor swallowing me up.

What about if we were on a date and I said, she's got a bogey on your nose there?

Like early date, just a bogey on your nose.

That's what I've just said?

No, you said wipe it off.

I'm talking about, you know, that's the throes of passion.

If I just said, you've got a bogey on your nose, would you be more surprised?

I just hate the way a bogey, I've never even said it in my life.

Apart from when we shout it in the cinema and stuff.

Shout out to Dick and Don.

You wouldn't be happy with that.

I don't know what that was.

Never do it again though.

It could be the first one.

Sometimes I go into a really public place, really crowded place and go, bogeys!

We can't be Dick and Don, obviously.

I never looked around.

We love doing it.

How childish are we?

It's so childish.

There's nothing, it's funny.

So we often do that, but I don't like the word bogey.

But I would hate it if you said, oh, you've got a bogey on your nose.

But it depends how close you are with someone.

I'd say that to you now.

Yeah, I think you have done.

I remember once you said your breath stinks from shit.

Thanks for that.

We've got through a lot there, I think, today.

I've really enjoyed it.

Thanks for listening to us.

Hopefully you've enjoyed it as well.

And obviously, have a look at your partner tonight.

There might be things that you've not noticed.

Just have a little look if he comes home in a pair of half socks.

We're not trying to expose people's ics here.

This is not the point of this part.

This part is all about...

Getting it off your chest.

Getting it off your chest and...


No, stop interrupting.

What the fuck are you saying?

You're literally going, just all about...

It's all about calmness and the sanctuary.

That's what I was about to say, but you kept interrupting.

But nice, isn't it?

It's all about calmness and the sanctuary of life.

OK, well, I'm so glad you said that.

You know, like, we're trying to eliminate all these little problems

that people have, little everyday stresses and strains

and ics and wines and, you know, rectify these things.

And hopefully people end up with a relationship like ours at the end.

We're helping.


See you later, guys.


Machine-generated transcript that may contain inaccuracies.

In this week’s episode of The Therapy Crouch, there is no messing around in the Crouch family household as Abbey and Peter lift the lid on some of their biggest icks. 

For those of you unfamiliar with the term, an ick, as described by Urban Dictionary is: 

‘Something someone does that is an instant turn-off for you, making you instantly hate the idea of being with them romantically.’

And boy, have we got some icks for you….. from people who run for busses, to men with long nails and even the word ick itself! Stay tuned for some side splitting real good sticky icky fun on the couch!

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