The Therapy Crouch: Runway Ready

Therapy Crouch Therapy Crouch 5/2/23 - Episode Page - 1h 5m - PDF Transcript

I was like, what?

Do you want to explain yourself?

Why that much of a predator?

Something fishy's going on here, I think.

Okay, big boy, take it away.

Big boy!

Hello, welcome to this week's episode of The Therapy Crouch with me, Peter Crouch.

Big boy.

At me, at the Glancy.

Daddy's gathered here for you.

Oh, God.


Good week?

Great week?

Yeah, enjoyed it?


I think Easter was just too long.

Yeah, we got over that in the last...

We've sort of aired our proper issues out there in the last part, didn't we?

Yeah, but I think because the kids are off for an extra week, we went away to Portugal.

And we had just a kid...


It was just loads of quality time with the family.

Bike rides.

Water parks.

You know, just the usual hell, hell, hellplits.

It was nice, wasn't it, just to reconnect and revitalise ourselves?

Yeah, listen, you know, the kids enjoyed it.

I don't know, we whinged a bit about the children on the last podcast,

but they're back at school now and it's nice to reconnect with you back on The Therapy Crouch.

No children running around screaming, like having to go out every second.

It's nice to me and you to reconnect because it's important that the top of the pyramid is strong.

Yeah, which my dad sent me this message this morning, actually.

Oh, that's phenomenal.

Like, my dad, obviously, is totally backward.

Totally backward?

Is that where you get it from?

That's where I get it.

No, my dad constantly sends me these messages about tips to how to look after your husband

and extract from 1950s home economics book.

Can I read this?

This is phenomenal.

Go on.

Right, so the extract from the 1950s home economics book, tips to look after your husband,

which, you know, I should have been born in the 1950s, I think.

You bloody are.

We've actually had a few comments on how I am, like, stuck in the 50s the way I look after you.



No, I do think you do look after me.

I'm not going to deny that.

So what are you moaning about then?

I'm not moaning.

I just, this is just madness.

Can you think about it?

This is how the women used to live, right?

Have dinner ready.

Plan ahead, even if the night before, to have a delicious meal on time.

This is a way of letting him know that you've been thinking about him

and are concerned about his needs.

Most men are hungry when they come home

and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome that's needed.

He gets like a little dry fish finger that's left over.

I think this one's the worst.

Minimize all noise.

At the time of his arrival, eliminate...

Don't want a loud wife, do you?

At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum.

Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

Be happy to see him.

Greet him with a warm, smiled, glad to see him look.


Fuck off.

Yeah, just encourage the quietness.

You know what I mean?

I've had a busy day.

It's been noisy.

I don't want to come into a load of noise.

Some do's and don'ts.

Don't greet him with your problems or complaints.

Don't complain if he's late for dinner.

Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

What the hell is that?

This one's good.

Prepare yourself.

Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives.

No more than 15.

Just 15.



You've got your chores to do.


Admin, yeah.

Touch up your make-up and put a ribbon in your hair to be fresh looking.

He's just been with a lot of work weary people.

Be a little gay.

Be a little bit more interesting.

His boring day made me lift.

Okay, okay, okay.

I'm just going to stop you there because this is where, you know, the reality of your work

and my work at home, work at home with the kids.

So your work, so you'll go and hang around with Chris and Dave.

I'm friggin' talk about bloody football for an hour.

And then you'll go and hang around with your mates, Joe Cole and Rio and have a laugh.

I see you on telly laughing your head off.

So you can't come home to me.

Telling me you've had a stressful day.

You stop on McDonald's on the way.

Get a nice Big Mac.

Pre-dinner dinner.

You know, your work is rest.

Your work is rest.

Meanwhile, I'm here.

I'm at home with four feral children trying to cook clean, make your dinner.

Try and do my own work, which is completely irrelevant.

No, listen, 2023 is a very different time to the 1950s, let's be honest.

And I think the...

Bloody not in this house.

Obviously the, you know, women have obviously moved on.

You know, the world's moved on.

But men also, like, you know...

Haven't moved on.

We haven't moved on.

Of course we have.

I don't expect these things from you anymore.

The 1950s, they would have done.

What I'm saying is that men have evolved.

Of course they have.

So my sister and her boyfriend are, like, getting to that stage now where an engagement could be on the cards.

And I was telling Pete about it because we've got me and Elle, we've gone from the ring.

When we've done the dress, we've done bridesmaids, we've also done the table decorations.

Can I just say, Scott, there's no idea of that.

It's only the venue we haven't sorted, but we've got few in mind.

And Elle was like, this is great.

But he asked me to marry and we could get married two days later because the whole thing sorted.

And Pete's like, I don't think it's going to be happening for a while.

And I'm like, why?

And he went, I've talked him out of it.

I was like, what?

Do you want to explain yourself?

That's what he said.

I've told Scott, like, everything changes when you get engaged and you lose your power.

There's a big power shift.

I won't be honest.

I'll be honest with you.

There is a big power shift.

You go from holding all the cards to holding none.

Explain that?

What I'm saying is that, I don't know, there's something that shifts.

I don't know why you'd have to explain that.

So you think women feel that they have to like suck up to the man and be nice to them because they're not safe.

And then once they're safe, they kind of...

Totally relax.

All the power, it's the power shift.

It's exactly what happens.

You get married and then you lose all the power.

And then it's like, well, you can't go out.

If you make this anymore, you can't do this anymore.

And if anything enjoyed gone, you have to put it outwards.

And you have to deal with family life and the wife's needs now.

Pete, you've impregnated me four times.

Like, what the hell?

You can't say anything.

This is a safe space to be honest, right?

And I'm being honest.

The shift is monstrous.

You go from holding it.

You're like, I'm going to go away with life.

You have a great time.

Come back.

You don't worry about it.

But golf today, enjoy yourself.

Then a minute...




Not doing that anymore.

Change your hair.

Don't like the way you look.

Don't like the way you dress.

You're not going outside.

You're like, no golf trips.

Well, they're all finished now.

That is this total shifting power.

Not for me because we've got such a loving relationship.

And, you know, it's all given, taken up, but for a lot of people.

Is this what you mean to tell you?

This is all I had to have been telling me about.

Well, that's where they've gone wrong.

They haven't married someone who they really love.

I agree with them.

I always say it to them.

I say, you should have married someone you really love.

You're such a twat.

Do you know that?

It's true, though.

When we're down the pub, I always go, you should have married like me.

No, no, that's happened to me.

My dad's wife, Sue, is amazing.

Like she, she let me dad kind of pretty much have free reign.

But he has to be home on time.

Whereas Pete goes, say if I said you've got to be in for seven,

I'm saying seven because that's the time my dad has to be in.

Pete will go, oh, it's five past seven.

I'm going to settle three in the morning because I'm in trouble anyway.


So he's like, it's five past seven.

I'm going to get into so much shit.

So may as well stay out till three.

But my dad literally gives it all these, all the big bollocks,

like I'm the king of the ship and all that, blah, blah, blah.

And then we saw him once running down the, down the road,

literally sprinting home.

It was like three minutes to seven and he was legging it home.

He's, he's the, he's the biggest under the thumb man.

I know.

Isn't he?


He is.


He's given it, he's given it big time in the pub with the lads and all that.

And then obviously he leaves one minute to run.

So what did you actually say to Scott?

Did you actually say anything?

I just, this was a lads chat.

I mentioned it to you.

I don't know why you're making a big thing of it.

I just said to him, you know, just make sure you're, you know,

you definitely know what you're doing.

Change is coming.

Change is coming.

It's there.

The change is coming.

No, it does.

Unfortunately, it does happen.

Just needs to be aware of that.

It's like, I just think it needs to be aware of all the scenarios.

And I'm, you know, of course, you know, amazing.

He's lucky to have her.

She's trying to make sure he's...

Yeah, that's the thing.

You should be on L side, not Scott.

Of course I am.

Scott is replaceable.

Easily replaceable.

There's the circle of trust and then there's Scott.

Oh yeah.

Once he gets engaged to L, he can be in.


No, I agree with that.

You know, of course.

You know, L's like my little sister.

I'm like, you know, your daughter, you know, stick her to school.

You know, so I'm obviously on her side, but you know,

you just have to be aware of all the situations before you go into things.

You know, I mean, I've talked from experience, you know,

when I speak to my mates.

Pete, have you that one? Happy?

Fuck off.

Jesus Christ.

I think we should go straight into the weekly lines then.

Go on then.

Like, I've got loads.

Go, go.

Massive one.

It's to do with obviously, like, off the back of our last one with the,

you know, just, it's just, it's just airport app.

We wake up usually early.

We get an early flight, don't you, in the mornings.

I wake up early because I'm packing six bags.

Yeah, this is my one.

I'm bathing all the kids, getting them ready for the outfits.

Bath with the kids beforehand.

They were in the bloody lake.

They were in the lake.

No, I'm talking about there and back.

I want to talk about back.

Okay, on the way there, right?

No, because I'm talking about the early morning one where you get up early.

It's like five in the morning.

You've got to be at the airport five, seven, eight or whatever it is.

So you get up half five straight away.

I know fucking else.

Airport abs.

We're on the case, right?

Kids fucking chill.

Be careful.

Don't go into the lines then too early.

You just, you're like, you've possessed.

You're like, it's like the exorcist has literally come in the night and airport

ab just wakes up and you just, I don't know whether you just can't,

you struggle with the stress of, I don't know.

You've got a lot on your plate.

Like you've, you have packed all the bags.

Like I understand that.

But, but yeah, I mean, the way you speak to me is like fucking bad.

You know, like it's, it's really aggressive.

You know it.

You know it as well.

You can't even, have you got anything to say about that?

Have you finished?

Well, there's loads more I can go into, but I'd like to hear your take on it.

When we're going to the airport, it's like, I feel like you just,

kind of turn into a complete brainless moron.

You go the other way.

And it's like, it's like you're trying to wind me up.

I'm trying to wind you up.

That's what I'm saying.

You're so highly strong on an airport day.

This airport ab, like, I just think you need to just,

just try and tone it down.

I don't know what part you're referring to.

All of it.

It's the whole journey.

No, because you can't hear him.

So I have to shout.

This is an amazing one.


So my, obviously I have sinus trouble, right?

Like, you know, as we've, well documented, right?

My, my nose isn't great.

My ears and all that.


So I'm on a plane.

And like my ears, I have to put them all the time.

She's, so I'm here in the aisle.

I've got the two kids there.

She's like, window seat of the other one and two kids here.

So, and then she's gone.

Literally, I was think thought we were all going to get ill because this woman

definitely had the wildies.

She was in the toilet every two seconds.

And we were sitting behind it.

Like, she's like breathing through us.

And I was like, oh my God, we're all going to get the bug.

So I was trying to whisper this to Pete.

So then you're getting annoyed at me because you can't hear me

and threw a nut up my head.

No, it wasn't like, you, you were just being really rude

because I couldn't hear you.

I can't hear you.

You were saying, oh my God.

I was going to read my lips.

I just don't even talk to me.

I could still see you getting annoyed about that.


So yeah, I did throw a pin at you.

And I tried to throw one back because I've got terrible aim.

Couldn't get you.

I didn't go straight off the floor.

And I just heard one hit the side of the plane.

So then he didn't get any snacks on that flight.

I was like handing sweets and goodies out all to the kids

and just like missing Pete out.

He wasn't getting it.

He wasn't getting it.

That's fine because I just know that's the airport app.

That's just how she rolls.

And unfortunately I'm just saying it's just something

to bear in mind for the future.

It's just a bit nicer.

It's supposed to be a nice thing.

It is a nice thing, but it just annoys me the way you let the kids

buy anything they want for nothing.

I don't.

You do?

So we're just, we're already late for our flight and Pete said

I'm just taking the kids to buy a colouring book.

I'm like, you know, Pete, I've got five cupboards

of colouring books in the house.

But we're also, also we've got the, I've lost my phone,

which happens 16 times on the way to the airport.

I can't find my phone, lost my phone.

And the other one is we've missed it.

We're going to miss the flight.

No, that's it.

It's gone.

We've missed it.

We've got three hours.

We're in the airport.

We've got three hours.

I'm going to buy a colouring book with three hours to spare.

All right.

And apparently we're going to miss it.

We're going to miss it.

It's such a bad father.

No, but I just, I don't want, I don't want the,

I genuinely don't want these kids thinking

every time they walk past the shop,

they can have something.

Totally agree.

It's not, it just drives me insane.

Like they just, they just think they can have anything

and they can't.

Lib locked herself out of the iPad

putting in the code too many times, right?

So I knew we didn't have that for the flight.

So she asked me very politely,

can I have a colouring book dad?

I said, yes.

She can have a colouring book.

So I took her to get a colouring book

with three hours to spare.

And that was it.

I got a colouring book.

She coloured the whole time.

I've come up with a good plan now for our next holiday.

I'm going to give them money

at the start of the trip each

and say, every time you want an ice cream,

every time you want to go to the shop and buy a toy,

you've got your money there.

And if, if the toy costs

the amount that you've got,

that you've done for the three weeks

or the two weeks are away.

You know, you have to make it last.

You can do that on your flight

because I'm going to get the flight behind you in future.

So I just think I'll take two kids

and you have two kids.

No, but we can't split up on a flight

because if anything happens.

Well, at least we'll have two left.

Which two would you choose?

I don't know what's worse.

Are we all going down together?

Would you mix the jet?

Would you ever take a boy in again?

I've got my two. I'm fine.

No, because your two are probably the same as my two.

That's not right.

Anyway, you know, we love all our children the same.

That's the conversation.

I mean, that's the whole podcast, isn't it?

Do you have a favourite?

Do you have a favourite child?

I got into trouble with that favourite child thing

in the newspaper once.

It changes all the time though, doesn't it?

Yeah, it does.

I tell them all of them to my favourite.

I do as well.

I whisper, don't tell anyone you're my favourite.

Probably not the right way to go about it.

No, it is, because each one thinks of the favourite.


You don't say it to me.

You're my favourite.

I actually have got a wine, but it's not really your fault.

You know, when you had this operation,

I thought the snoring would stop.

And I love, yeah, and it doesn't really bother me,

but if I'm not asleep before you,

I can't sleep because it's like lying next to a bloody tractor.

I don't want to be a snorer.

I think I'm not really...

I didn't think I was, but...

Because you don't look like a snorer when you go

just blonde hair, lovely tan skin.

I don't want to be a snorer particularly.

But this issue, obviously, you know,

my silence is caused a bit of it, isn't it?

And I do apologise for it.

Anyway, OK, let's crack on.

OK, hey guys, not my wine, but I saw this meme,

and it definitely reminded me of you two.

It read,

how come men can remember the most intricate details

of any football game they saw 12 years ago,

down to which side of the net the third goal was scored

but can't remember what time you booked dinner.


That is so true.

My dad literally is like, oh, 1973.

I was in Barcelona.

World Cup final.

And just...

He's great with dates.


I literally can't remember what I did yesterday.

Your dad's amazing with dates.

He goes through years...

Based on football?

Cup finals.

So, like, yeah, yeah, I'll say, you know,

that was 83 and he'll go, yes.

I know when my son was born.

It was that year Liverpool won the league.


He literally goes through.

It's like, calendar through football dates

is usually what Liverpool were doing.

But you're the same.

Like, if an old football match comes on,

you can go, ah, I know, I was there that day.

I know...

I know scores and what happens in the game.

I'm struggling with years.

I'm not great with years,

but I could tell you what the scores in that match,

what happened in that match, who played in that match.

I can't.

I can't remember anything.

But, yeah, like...

I'm like, even to my kids.

I'm like, Liberty, Sophia, Johnny, Jack,

like, Jeffrey, like, I can't remember a thing.

Yeah, but I do that.

I think it's...

You remember what you're passionate about, don't you?

You just said you can't remember our kids' names.

Oh, I'm not passionate about them.

All right, so, again, in today's podcast,

we had loads of people getting in touch with us,

saying about, like, they've heard enough about my career,

my football, what I've done.

People want to hear what you've done.

And, like, I think there's plenty of sort of

aspiring models out there

who want to get into what you've done.

No, I think just because you're a lot more prevalent,

like, on TV, like, people have watched your whole career

for, like, 20 years on TV, at football games,

then, obviously, the podcast and all the TV that you do,

and I think...

I haven't really done that much.

No, you haven't, no.

And I don't think you've ever really talked about yourself.

Because I don't like talking about myself.

Yeah, you do at home, but just not to the general public.

No, because it makes you feel embarrassed,

or, like, a bit shy.

You shouldn't be shy. You shouldn't be shy.

You should be proud of what you've achieved.

And there's, like I said, there's plenty of girls, young girls,

that look up to you and want to do what you've done.

You know, various campaigns that you've done,

you know, obviously starting out on Brits' Next Top Model.

You've been through a journey,

and you've worked hard to sort of...

And, obviously, yeah, you have to look like you do, but, you know...

I think, obviously, like, when we met,

I was on Brits' Next Top Model, and...

Was that something that you... How did you get into that?

How did you do that?

Well, I wanted to be a pop star.

I wanted to be a singer, dancer, model, or actress

when I was a little girl, if I was asked.

That's what I wanted to be.

I loved singing. I was in a band.

Not many people know this, right? You were in a band, right?

You don't like talking about it.


You looked a bit embarrassed by it.

I'm not embarrassed by it.

I'm embarrassed about my black hair and bleach-blonde fringe

that I used to dye red,

and, like, the horrific outfits that I used to wear.

But I loved it.

Like, to be honest, looking back, I don't know how I did that,

you know, on a confidence level,

because, you know, I find this easy doing the podcast

because it's just me, you, my brother and my cousin,

but I actually shit myself if I have to get on stage

or speak in front of...

Like, when we did the Strictly...

When I did Strictly, I was...

I loved the rehearsal part, but I hated the performance.

I find that really strange.

Even though I won the competition,

I really...

I was so annoyed with myself that I didn't...

I couldn't perform how I wanted to in my head,

just because of nerves.

I can't control them, and it really...

Even when I was getting 10s off the judges,

I knew I was performing to a 5.

You know, I wanted to give more,

but I just physically couldn't do it.

Is that your high standard, though, that you set yourself?

No, it's not high standard.

It was just nerves holding me back.

But you obviously won the competition.

When I watched, you were an incredible dancer.

Like, you were amazing.

No, but I couldn't...

I could have done it better.

I even tried one day, like, getting drunk.

Because I'll be like...

When I'm drunk, I think I'm like Madonna or something, do you know what I mean?

And that didn't help, because obviously,

the time I was out, I couldn't focus.

I was pissed.

I don't know, I just...

I think when I was younger, I had a lot more...

like, dreams and aspirations.

And then when I got with you,

I felt like I had to kind of put it on hold a bit,

because of, like, a lot of negative press.

And it was like, she's only going out with me,

because she wants to be famous, you know?

And it was kind of all of that.

And I think, you know, having that from people we knew as well,

I thought, oh, what do I do?

Do I try and carry on with my career?

Because it's important to me.

And, you know, I was kind of stuck in the middle.

It's kind of, if you work, you want to be famous.

But if you don't work, you want to just get your nails done every day

and live off a footballer.

So it was kind of a tough...

Catch-22 situation.

Catch-22 situation.


So I was quite picky trying to please other people,

which, you know, in hindsight, I wish I didn't do,

because, you know, I find if people don't like it,

they don't like you, no matter what you do, you should.

Would you have pursued the singing, then?

I would.

For anyone who doesn't know, Abbey's voice is incredible.

Go on, give us a tune.

No, it really is.

If you don't like doing it, you go all shy like that,

but, like, after a few, like, on the karaoke,

you can't get you off.

But you are...

You have got an incredible voice.

Thanks. You're a great singer.

And I don't think enough people know that.

Yeah, but no one wants to watch some Al 40,

you're old with four kids,

banging on on a stage now, do they?

Yeah, they do.

There's plenty of artists out there with children.

Yeah, but they started young, is what I'm saying.

You could go on the X Factor, you know, the Overs.

You know, the freaking Overs?

You know, you've only got to be, like, 25?


To be in the Overs, I'm in the...

Game Overs.

Game Overs.

Can you imagine?

No, I couldn't, Pete, I couldn't...

Overs, babe, I'll get you on.

I couldn't do it.

What about the mass singer?

Yeah, that's what I said. I've actually said that to you.

No, I have been asked to go on the mass singer.

Ross, I couldn't do it. I could not do it.

You couldn't? No, because then you have to take it off.

If you get voted out, I'd be like, I know I'm going to win this

because I'm not revealing myself,

because I'm not singing without the fucking mask on.

It's a shame now, because it feels like

you've got a gift there, you know, you've got a gift that...

Yeah, there's that story in the Bible, isn't there,

of the people who wasted their gifts?

They went to hell.

No, you have got a gift,

and it's a shame that, you know, like...

It's not out there.

But I do think as well,

when you become a mum, your priorities do change,

and it's not really about you.

But yeah, they haven't said that,

but you followed a different dream, right?

You mentioned lots of different things.

Don't get me wrong. The modelling career that you've had

has been incredible.

You've done some amazing things.

Yeah, I've done some great things and some amazing projects

that I've been really passionate about.

For me, it's important to...

I've been quite fortunate

to kind of pick and choose what I want to do

and things that I love and enjoy.

And I love...

I used to love modelling, you know,

being a different person, different persona,

hair and makeup, you know, it's an amazing job.

You still do it now.

Obviously, like, you still really enjoy it.

When you go on a photo shoot, you feel...

You know, you look great.

You do enjoy it.

You come home with a big smile on your face.

Yeah, and you're like... You don't get any stress and go.

Yeah, so...

Because I've just shut the new Victoria's Secrets campaign

and I'm sending peep pitches from the shoot

and then get home and the eyelashes are off,

the hair's pulled out.

There's no sexy underwear.

It's like the fleece dressing and a straight arm

and you're like...

It is unfortunate, yeah.

The only thing you brought home from Victoria's Secrets

was the dressing gown.

I know, but I love it. I love me fleece dressing and it's my, like,

safety net. I don't know why.

But, yeah, no, I am proud of my career.

There are times... I do have a slight regret of...

I wish I would have pushed myself a bit more when I was younger

and not been, you know, worried about

what people thought about me or whatever.

So when I was on Britain's Next Top Model, I was 19.

It was so young and it was literally the first time

I'd ever stayed away from home.

But how does the application... So you must apply for that show.

So you must know that you wanted to go on it.

My mum's friend, Kirsten, did it.

And I remember going to her house and getting the camcorder out

and she recorded my tape and I had to go

and it was so... It was mad, like, having to put bikini on

and, like, strut down in your heels

and looking back at the video, I had that youthful, big, fat face,

giant boobs and, like, I was just legs and boobs

and I didn't win the show.

But, you know, going from that to hosting the show,

12 years later, 15 years later, was incredible.

So who won it? I'd love to meet her.

Her name was Liana. She was definitely more of a high-fashion,

kind of edgy look. I was kind of more commercial,

kind of girl next door look, if you like, I think.

Even if you do say so yourself.

Isn't that... I should have you.

I'm just like that girl next door, you know.

Well, that's what they call me.

Well, you know, so Janice Dickinson was one of the judges on that, right?

Is that correct? Yeah.

Well, we went on to do a show together. That's what I mean.

So then you ended up working with her as well.

So you go, like, full circle.

You started at sort of...

It's like someone that sort of made you

and then working with Janice on that.

But then you went to America with Janice, didn't you,

and did a show with her.

And you modeled for Ed Hardy.

Yeah. She made me walk down like Hollywood Boulevard

in like a bikini and was just calling me fat the whole time.

Your fat ass is wobbling.

Oh, my God. I wanted to die.

But, you know, that doesn't even feel like me.

That feels like I can't even really remember it.

It just feels like a different life.

It's mad.

What would you say, like, the best campaigns that you've worked on

or the most enjoyable things you've done?

My dream was always to be a Victoria's Secret model.

And I went to America.

I had the audition, got the call back, then got pregnant with Sophia.

So that kind of never happened.

And I thought it was the end of the dream.

I just feel like, you know, back then, when I was a teenager,

I would have died to be a Victoria's Secret model.

And when I got pregnant with Sophia and they were like,

oh, you can do it again, it didn't happen.

And I thought that was the end of that dream.

And then when I got the call earlier on this year to do the campaign,

I literally couldn't believe it.

I couldn't, you know, nearly 40, four children and I've got the job.

But I thought it was actually a really positive message in a way

because, you know, I haven't got the body of an 18-year-old.

I can't compete with an 18-year-old.

But what I am, you know, there's more of a story.

I am like a woman who's still working after having all of her kids.

I'm older and, you know, it kind of meant more to me,

more of a, I felt like more of an achievement.

Doing it at this stage in my life is a huge achievement as well

because they could easily go and pick another hot 18-year-old girl.

Yeah, but you say that.

But the pressure was on as well, though, because I was like, oh, God.

You don't look too bad.

No, but it's not even about how you look.

It's about how you feel.

You know, what came with that for me was there was a lot of insecurities as well

because I'm like, fuck, I'm not 19.

I have had four kids and I'm nearly 40

and I've got to literally get my kids off and do a campaign.

But it made me feel, it was, I can't explain.

It was such a, like, that side pulling me that way

and that side pulling me that way

because it made me really paranoid and worried.

And then at the same time, like, this is great.

This is a great message for other women who feel like, you know,

they've had kids my life's over.

What has left for me?

Because people do feel that women,

especially who've kind of given up their careers to have their kids.


And they lose their confidence

and then they're like, what do I do now?

Kids go to school, what do I do?

You know, finding yourself again and being able to work is a great thing.

What do you prefer doing?

Obviously, like, you've got the commercial side of things, which you enjoy,

but also the high-end kind of fashion bits and pieces.

Like, I only notice stuff through you.

But I remember coming to a few things where you've done, like, runway modelling

and kind of high-end brand, like, work,

where you'd see, like, a big catwalk show.

Do you enjoy doing that?

Yeah, that's amazing.

Because I remember going to Milan with you for Milan Fashion Week.


And obviously, I'm a fish out of water.

I've got a clue what's going on.

You're joking.

Obviously, an incredibly well-dressed man, you know,

high-end fashion, but I hadn't been around it much, you know?

So I went there with my strangled pumas and my Levi's.

And watched you.

But it was amazing.

I experienced to be around that.

No, it was Katie Grandude who got me into all of that.

She kind of, after Britain's next top model,

kind of took me under her wing.

And she, actually, the quote, she said,

I thought you'd be a complete twat, but you're actually great.

That was 15 years ago, and we've friends ever since.

And she put me in some amazing things like Russian Bogue,

Love magazine, Hogan campaigns.

I walk for Giles Deacon.

You know, she was the reason I did those jobs.

I wouldn't have been taken seriously unless she put me in that light.

Do you think that you weren't taken seriously

or may potentially not taken seriously was because you were with me?


Because I was a footballer.

No, because at that time, like years ago,

there was a massive, you know, that whole wag culture.

It was like a frenzy.

But that's what I'm saying.

Do you think that was potentially a reason?

Well, yeah, but not in a negative way.

I've been called wears things in a wag.

Am I like...

Rhymes with it, doesn't it?

Shut up.

Slag, my darling, is one thing I'm not.


No, because I don't know.

It was just, it was a point in time where everyone was obsessed

with that whole wag culture and it was...

But what I'm saying is that that culture was not high-end fashion.

Do you know what I mean?

No, but it's iconic when you look back.

But I wasn't really part of that.

Was I?


But like I say, that whole watching you do those kind of shows

and stuff, it felt like it was amazing watching you in them.

And I don't know if I'm biased,

but I always felt that you were the best one.

Yeah, that's because you're my husband.

Because I'm biased.

I don't think I'm biased.

It's like watching your kid in the school play

and they're singing out a tune and they're like,

you're fantastic.

You stand out.

Like Liberty, our daughter who's got two left feet.

I think she's bloody Beyonce.

Don't you think?

No, I think you put yourself down too much.

No, I think, you know, for me,

I always wanted to have a career and I am happy.

But I don't feel like it's over.

I would like to do more things,

but definitely my nerves hold me back.

Yeah, so what I want to ask is like,

loads of people have got in touch.

Mainly the young girls really about like any advice

you would have for them.

Maybe you want to get into this world that you're in

and any bits of advice that really stuck out for you

when you were going through.

I think that like the whole modelling,

I think anything in entertainment, really,

you've got to have thick skin

because there's more rejection than appreciation.

Like you've got to believe in yourself

because until you make it, no one else does.

Same with football, same exact same.

But the main piece of advice that I was given,

which I live by, is be yourself.

Always be yourself and be kind, I think.

If you're yourself, you can't go wrong.

Well, I think, you know, you can't,

people can't see through.

If you're not being someone else,

you're not going to, it doesn't last very long

because eventually it will come out and be yourself.

Yeah, I think there's so many people

who aren't themselves and it does,

the real them does come out in the end.

Yeah, but like what, so how,

if any advice for like a young girl

sort of coming into this kind of career?

Well, my start was quite unusual

because like for most working models,

they're going on a million castings a day

and they're with agencies and it's a tough will

but I didn't have that journey

because I went on Britain's Next Top Model

and then me and you started going out with each other.

So I was kind of instantly thrust into the limelight.

So maybe had it easier in a way.

I was getting booked for jobs because people wanted me.

I didn't have to go and compete with 20 other girls

or whatever to get that job.

So mine was a bit of an unusual path.

Looking back, are you proud of what you achieved?

Is there any regrets?

Yeah, I'm definitely proud of what I've done.

I've had an incredible life.

I've got to travel the world.

I've got to earn my own money,

work with some incredible people,

have a laugh, you know, that's like the most,

you know, it's great when you go to a shoot

and you've got your team and your people

and hair and makeup and photography

and you're all just having a great day.

Well, I come visit you sometimes and you've got,

like you say, you've got, you know,

the girl does your hair, the makeup and you're on a shoot

and you've got like a glam squad, right?

And you look like you are having a lot.

Yeah, it's amazing.

And then you take great pictures, you know,

you can take...

I'm waiting for something here.

No, because you can take them with you forever,

you know, and you can show...


You know, people, when you're an old granny,

you go, look, that was me.

I was hot.


But I do have some kind of regret

and I'm my own worst enemy

when it comes to holding myself back

with nerves and, you know, in the early days,

like, I reckon I could have done more with myself,

but I didn't because I was trying to please

others who didn't approve of me.

Yeah, like, the thing is,

you know, you still look incredible, right?

And of course, you're still going to get, like, amazing jobs

and things that you can still do

for another, you know, six months.

But, like, in 20 years' time,

where do you see yourself?

Well, I've got my album coming out on the 6th of June.

Don't check it out.

She agreed.

I mean, shut up.

No, I just want more of the same.

I'm loving life.

I want to be...

I want a great...

The ideal scenario is to have work-home balance,

like, because, you know, as a mum,

you do get that mum guilt.

One side, just like,

I want to get away from these kids and get to work.

And then when you're there, you're like,

oh, I feel like a terrible mum leaving them or whatever.

I just want to do more of the same.

I'm loving doing the podcast and whatever that might bring.

But now I'm so grateful

and would like it to continue, really.

Well, you're very good at it.

You should continue with both.

What about you?


What do you want to do in the next 20 years?

Well, I enjoy doing this.

I enjoy doing the podcast.

I'd love to stay involved in football.

I still do a bit of football commentary.

And, yeah, I'll be honest with you.

Since I retired from football, I haven't missed it.

And that is the biggest...

Well, the nicest thing that I can possibly say

is that I'm still doing a job that I really enjoy.

And I've been very fortunate enough

to be able to do that since I left school.

Because you...

I remember you were saying, like,

frightened me once when you said,

if I die now, like, I've done everything

that I wanted to achieve.

And I was like, oh, my God.

I know.

No, it's not...

Because now I was like, I don't want you to die.


What I said was, obviously, I don't want to leave you

and I don't want to leave the kids

and I want...

But if I die now, I'll be fine with that.

I was like, what?

What I was thinking is, like,

if I was there on my deathbed,

this has gone morbid all of a sudden.

But I was thinking, if I lie there on my deathbed,

people go, right, and you evaluate your life, right?

And you evaluate your career

and you think about your regrets.

I should have done this, should have done that.

What I was trying to say is,

if that happens to me,

obviously, the things, the future things,

like, I want to see my kids grow up, get married,

have a great life, and I want to be there for them.

Will you be talking there?

Will your fiancé be able to get married to your daughter?


Like you did to my sister's boyfriend?


You know, I want to be there for you.

But what I'm saying is, I feel like

I've been incredibly lucky.

I'm the 1% probably of people that

have loved everything they've done worthwhile.

And achieved.

And achieved.

I've met a beautiful wife who I adore.

What about that pen you missed

on the Champions League?

There's a few of those.

Not being a Champions League winner.

Yeah, there's your regret.

So you're not going to die with no regrets then?

Yeah, I can't fucking change that now.

But what I'm saying is,

for a lot of footballers, retiring.

Because you did have a little bit of a wobble

before you retired, because I was here,

and I knew Pete's not one to kind of

open up about his feelings.

But I always know,

because he's pacing up and down the room with his face

like chewing his bottom lip.

Which went on for about six months.

So I knew you were kind of panicking

about coming to the end of your career.

Like, no, and it was going to come to an end.

But even that,

I left school at 16 and retired at 38 on my own terms.

I wasn't injured.

You know, I look at some of my friends,

who just couldn't play.

Their knees were gone.

And at 30 years old, they have to retire

because their body can't cope with it anymore.

I had eight more years.

I feel so lucky and blessed that I had that.

So I don't look back at it and go,

oh, I missed that because I had it.

And it was amazing.

Because some footballers have really struggled

when they've retired with their mental health.

And also, you go from playing for England

to nobody wanting to hear from you.

People not recognising you,

not having that release of a Saturday afternoon,

going out there in front of that many people scoring a goal

and just feeling great, adrenaline in the bars.

How do you replicate that in normal life?

At four kids?


And that's a slippery slope for a lot of people.

And I was so scared to not go down that route

that I probably took on too much.

And now I've scaled it back to a place

where it's comfortable and nice and good.

And I'm happy.

So it's our favourite part of the show, agony ab.

Better than airport ab.

Shut up.

OK, hey guys.

I love listening to you both.

Honestly, it makes me belly laugh.

So as your relationship is literally life goals,

I need some advice.

I'm single and have been for a year

whilst working on myself.

Boring cliche, I know.

I need to get back out in the dating world

and find a perfect catch.

How can I go about this?

Please help a girl out.

I'm 31, so preferably looking to avoid


Sorry, Dan.

Can't help you there though.

So many belling's though, isn't that?

There's actually majority of belling's.

I think men are more belling'd than girls.

They are.

In the dating world.

A man would be more typically

classed as a belling'd than a woman.

Do you think?


Oh, he didn't turn up for that date.

What a belling'd.

He had three other girls on the date.

Go, what a belling'd.


Yeah, yeah.

He ghosted me.

What a belling'd.

You know what I mean?

How many belling's can you get in one sentence?


Yeah, I think it's tough out there.

To be honest, I do think it's...

Not everyone's on the same wavelength, are they?

No, and I thank God

that we're not in this generation of online dating.

I just...

Do you think people are too picky now as well?

Because it feels like there's so many more options.

I don't think they're too picky.

I think they're just too...

What's the word?

Like, they don't value...

They don't need to court anyone or impress them

because they can just swipe left

and go and shag someone the next hour.


I think what you're trying to say is that, you know...

Back in the day, we're not that 1950s,

but we go slightly later than that.

But it'd be like,

would you like to go on a date with me?

And you would say yes or no,

or play hard to get.

And then it'd be like,

the chase would be more like,

let's go out on a date.

Getting a date would be number one.

Whereas now, you don't even have to think about getting a date.

You just go match on...

You don't even have to speak to anyone.

And you're already going on a date.

It feels like...

If I saw you at work,

that was out at bed.

We'd work or I saw you out on a night out.

I'd go, let's have a drink or something.

I'd give you my number.

Even that's a buzz, isn't it?

I suppose now it's got 15 matches.

Which one shall I take out?

I suppose that takes away what dating is.

Well, it's that magic of...

Remember when we first got together

and you'd go to bed.

And when you wake up in the morning,

the first thing you do is look at your phone

to see if you'd add a text.

Or you'd like to stay on the phone for hours talking

or whatever.

We don't know.

We're dinosaurs.

There are people that definitely still do that.

I'm just saying there is the option to not do that.

Yeah, there's more of an option.

There's more of an opportunity not to romance someone.

I think it's got to be organic, hasn't it?

I think, yeah, you can still meet someone on a dating app

without doubt.

But yeah, I think go on dates.

There's plenty of men out there that aren't villains.

There is.

But I think you should...

Males and females should be a little bit hard to get

and know their worth and...

A bit more long game.

A bit more long game.

All right, there you go, Danny.

There you go, Danny.

Another one here.

Dear Peter and Abby, I was late to the park with your pod,

but I've caught up and been watching them all

whilst working from home doing IT.

Love the content and often wish I could join you

on the couch one week as I'm always sharing advice

at the screen during AgniAb.

I'm 40 years old, happily married with two boys, four and nine,

in a world where our friends have eventually split

from their partners.

I genuinely believe we've gotten happier

and stronger as time has gone on.

One thing my wife struggles to understand sometimes

is my constant playful groping.

She cannot understand that even after 17 years together,

I get excited every single time she removes

any item of clothing.

Oh, my God, this is you?

That's my wine, actually.

I thought it was my wine.

It is exciting though.

Do you want it to not be exciting?

I can't get a shower without you fucking running in.

It's like, you know that bacon advert,

where they start cooking the bacon and the nose

runs through it.

If I remove a sock, Pete's there, like that.

Just behind the wall like that.

It's so annoying.

It's so...

Just maintaining the peep.

It's so annoying.

Is it all going to come off?

No, she's done.


Well, I know now not to come in and disturb.

I'll just peep.

Anyway, to become a running joke in the house,

I can be downstairs and hear the shower going on,

and I'll run upstairs into the bathroom

and just stand there smiling.

I also enjoy a good bum grab at any point in the day.

She has a fantastic bum.

She has a fantastic bum.

She has a fantastic bum.

She has a fantastic bum.

She has a fantastic bum.

I particularly enjoy when she wakes in the night

deciding she's hot and proceeds to switch her PJ top

for a short sleeve.

Oh, he's a bit prepared. Let's go.

I have perfected the seams like I'm asleep,

then shoot a hand from under the covers

to a cup of nice warm boob.


God, this is a bit mulch.

At times it drives her mad,

but she's also, she'd be devastated if I ever stopped.

Do you guys have similar

or is there another one that winds someone up?

Peter from Sorry.

Just interested to see how you react to that one.

Steve, actually.


I think that you would, yeah, right,

but you, I think you wouldn't be happy, right?

If you were totally, if you were totally naked.

I've actually said that to you before.

And I just carried on, like, reading my book like that.

You were naked there and I just go,

no interest whatsoever.

You've done that though as well,

because I've actually said that to you before.

Yeah, that's what I was saying.

So you can't get angry like that.

You don't even look at me when I'm naked anymore.

And then fast forward, like, turn and get,

like, there's a rule now in our house,

like when I get out the shower and put my makeup on,

like normally naked, because you're too hot

when you're like blow-drying your hair and stuff,

and you come round the corner like that.

Like, it drives me insane.

So you have been barred from...

Touching you when you're doing your makeup.


But I just find it, it's a bit mad.

I know, sorry, boys.

I know, this is quite awkward.

When we get these, like, sexy talks up,

and it's my brother and my cousin, it's just so odd.

But what am I supposed to do

if you are totally naked, like, doing your makeup?

Like, you just put a dressing gown on or something?

I do.

I get shows, is that for the fucking dressing gown, though?

Yeah, but they're totally naked.

Do you know what I actually do now?

If I don't look, what am I supposed to do?

Do you know what I actually do?

I've come up with a new tactic,

with the dressing gown.

Why that much of a predator?

So I've got a new tactic with the dressing gown.

So dressing gowns aren't,

but instead of tying the belt at the front,

I put the belt round the front and tie it at the back,

and it just, they didn't want to do it.



You don't know how to get it off.

You're like, oh, where's, how do I untie this thing?

Think you're baby geese?


But why would you want, why would you want that?

Why don't you not want me?

I do, but not when I'm putting my makeup on,

not when I'm getting ready.


Any other time is fine, but not when I'm getting ready.


Another thing for you, Scott.


This is what happens when you get married.

You're Scott?

Oh, Scott.


Just letting them know that, you know, the power shifts,

and also there's a double fucking locked dressing gown.

You're making me out to be a right fridge.


You've double locked yourself.

No, I haven't double locked.

I haven't put a chastisey belt.

I've just put the belt round the other way.

You've doubled, you've double belted yourself.

So I can't get any access whatsoever.

Only when I'm doing makeup.

Paul, Steve, I'm with you, mate.

I'm with you.

We're going through it.

No, it's a bit nice.

It's nice to know that you're still desirable to your husband

after 16 years.

It's a minefield for us.

Like, you want to feel desirable,

but you don't want to be touched.

You know, you want us to look at you,

but not when it's makeup time.

But what the hell are the rules in this situation?

You know the rules.

It's hard for us.

You know the rules.

It's tough out there.

It's just the makeup.

Just makeup.

Makeup zone, that's it.


But then, you know, other than that, it's,

I mean, there's a small window of nakedness, isn't there?

Like, there's like a shower straight into Jessica's gown.

There's a makeup I can't touch.

Like, why is it?


I'm with you, Steve.

We're always going to struggle on that.

They make the rules, unfortunately.

Next one.

Hi, both.

I recently find myself in a really awkward situation

and I don't know how to deal with it.

Over the holidays, I was invited to my husband's family home

for Easter dinner.

Now I know my in-laws fairly well,

but they live on the opposite side of the country,

so we don't see each other that often,

especially some of his extended family

who were there for that weekend.

For the majority of the weekend, the atmosphere was great.

Everyone was so welcoming and friendly.

The food was delicious.


However, we were finishing our Sunday dinner

and I started to feel a little bit uncomfortable.

I had a lot of gas and I could feel a fart coming on.

I tried to hold it in,

but unfortunately my body had other plans.

I had already excused myself a couple of times

to go to the bathroom.

I didn't want to raise any strange suspicions.

I decided the next one was going to have to be a silent

but deadly job.

Oh, no.

I tried to go for a trick that was workfully well in the past,

where I'd elevate one bum cheek slightly above the other

before leaning to the side to let one slip out.

But alas, my ass betrayed me.

In a split second,

a loud, elongated, body burp escaped me

and echoed around the room.

My heart sank as I looked around the table.

I saw everyone staring at me,

trying to hold back their laughter.

I felt so embarrassed.

I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide.

The rest of the evening was a blur

and I couldn't stop thinking about what just happened.

A blur?

I don't know how to face my husband's family again

without feeling like a complete tool.

I'm worried I won't be able to shift the label

of the girl who farted at the dinner table.

What can I do to overcome this flatulent, induced embarrassment

and regain my confidence around my husband's family?

Sincerely, not a bum.

So, firstly, we are getting a lot of these bloody...

We are getting a lot of fart questions to our pod.

Is that what people think of us?

I just think that's the level of our podcast,

just the way it's stooped.

Well, I just think people feel comfortable around this pod

and they're not comfortable enough to put their...

They're all and on, by the way, everyone after it.

The none of them?

These ones are not.

But, yeah, I mean, that's where we are.

I think they feel comfortable enough to share it.

They know that we could help through this matter.

This is something that everyone does and I feel like...

I don't.

You know, everyone tries to hide it.

We all try to hide it, but it's a fact of life, right?

One squeaks out, one squeaks out.

You can say, look, that was funny the other week

when it squeaked out.

God, and then everyone else would laugh about it

and then you move on.

Yeah, but she must be mortified.

I couldn't handle that.

I would literally leave.

I'd leave.


I've actually trained my body not to do that

because it's the biggest turn off for me on Earth,

as you all know.

I don't know why, but it just is.

Well, what the worst thing is about that is, I think,

that she said that she lifted one up because it's worked well.

So, like, when the noise comes out, it looks like she's gone.

She's lifted it and, like, gone for it.

You have to own it, don't you?

My mates do that.

They lift it, and that's when they're really going for one

to make everyone laugh.

Whereas if you just sat there normally,

it's one squeaks out.

Scott did it the other day?

Scott did it more, you go?

The leg lift.

Yeah, me and him, we're just talking,

and I think for one second, he thought I was, like,

one of his mates or something,

and he just went like that and farted.

I was like, oh, my God.

And he was like, I can't believe I'm just talking.

The whole leg lifting is about, it's not about, like,

trapping it, is it?

You don't want to trap it, isn't it?

I just don't want to have this conversation.

It's about more of a release.

But the fact that she's done that,

they obviously think that she's just gone for one.

So what have they said?

Have they said anything to her?

They've held it in.

They've held it in.

But she could see that they all wanted to laugh.

See, a boyfriend should have protected her there

and laughed away.

He should have made me say,

no, he just had a fart there

and just killed it instantly.


I think...

But then she'd have a go at him for being,

for totally embarrassing her.

If I did that around,

if you weren't entirely comfortable with...

There's no easy cure when you're mortified.

You know, it's something you have to get over in time.

I think it's about owning it.

Like when I said hello to that fella

on holiday the other day.

Oi, oi, oi, there he is.

And then I got closer to him

and I've never seen him before in my life.

But I think...

Then I went for the handshake,

went, nice one.

See you later.

As if I did know him.

And he was so confused.

He's probably thinking,

God, Peter Crouch thinks he's amazing.

Like saying hi to everyone on the street.


I just didn't have a clue who he was.

He knows who he is as well.

So if you want to get in touch,



I think she...

I feel for her because it's hard

when you're not with your family.

Not with your own family.

Yeah, I mean...

That'd be bad enough.

But, you know, only...

It's fine.

Own it.

You're only human, honey.

Okay, hey, both.

I started going out with my now-fiance

in year nine.

Oh, my God.

I know how mad that sounds.

I've only ever kissed one boy and that's him.

We've had school proms,

18, 21st birthday together,

and a beautiful engagement,

which was everything that I could have ever asked for.

All my friends think I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

But it has dawned on me that

I may only ever kiss one boy

and find my mind fantasizing

when I see a good-looking lad.

Could I have been having the bang-average

Susan Boyle sex for my entire life?

Maybe I could be a Swedish house mafia girl,

but it feels like I may never know.

I never really chatted...

I've never really chatted up anyone else

because as soon as anyone has ever chatted to me,

I've shot them down straight away

and I've gotten very good at it over these years.

Am I getting pre-wedding nerves

or am I making a very silly mistake?

Love from sunny Spain and on again.

Yeah, I think, you know,

she obviously loves her husband to be.

I don't know, I think this is a tough one.

Our advice is so shit, by the way.

We don't ever know what to say.

It's so bad.

I'm just worried about this one.

I just can see this ending in tears.

That's what you need to say?

I just said it.


Yeah, it's just not a good scenario.

You'll always have that

because you've been together since you were 14

and I'm sure obviously you're not older now.

You're about to get married

and then you have that niggle of doubt, you know?

Have I been dancing to the wrong tune?

Maybe they should give each other a whole pass.

Oh, not a bad chance.

Big shout, big shout from you.

That's just not what I would do.

Imagine, right?


If I came to you, we'd be together since you were 14

imagine what I'd say to you.

I'd just suggest this.

Hall pass.

I'd kick it out of...

Right, hook.

Straight in the chops.

Have you seen that thing where it's like

the tug about the hall pass and the girl's like,

oh, my hall pass would be Brad Pitt

and the husband's like, Sharon from your way.


Gotta go realistic, haven't you?

No, but then she's like fuming that, Sharon.

Tom Cruise.

My end.

Your sister.

Imagine that.



Gotta make it realistic.

It's a hard one.

It's a hard one

because the grass isn't always green.

You know, she could risk it all and...

I don't know.

Can you talk to your husband about it?


That's actually a really good idea.

Nice in a diplomatic way.

Say, you having these feelings as well.

But what would you do if I said...

No, I'm not.

Fuck off.

Could be the answer.

It's a tough one.

It's a tough one.

I think you could just talk it out.

Is there...

You can't talk it out.

I can't even watch the fucking Viking,

so you get in the cob on.

Imagine me saying to you,

so Pete, I've been thinking and, you know,

I'm getting cold feet.

You know, you're going to be the only guy

I'm going to kiss for the rest of my life.

I'm going to go to Norway and find a Viking.



The better in Finland.

You can go and live out there as well.

Hi, Pete.

I've been stitched up here.

I might come across as a bit of a sex pest,

but why a bit of sex pest?

Confiding in me.

Cos you don't know what your life is.

Like, all right.

You're not.

I'm sure you're not.

He's saying I'm not.

I'm actually not.

I'm straight down the middle on the libido scale.

So I've been seeing this girl for a few months

and you can tell she's more experienced than me

by the unbelievable tattoos in the Theatre of Dreams.

What the hell does that mean?

What is that?

What is that?

Well, I imagine he's calling the...

A vaginal tattoo.


She's got tattoos.

I think he's calling the...

I imagine the vaginal Theatre of Dreams.


What is this podcast?

He's a United Man as well, yeah.

Oh, that figures.

Well, that's the Theatre of Dreams.

That's really cool.

Well, my life was going so well.

We booked a month-long trip to the US Route 66,

Mustang and all, then she drops the bombshell.

She said every three months she has a month off,

a somewhat vaginal hiatus.

Have you heard of anyone doing this?


Have any of your friends have a month off?



Number one.

I don't like to put, like, a definite no on things.

Having those tattoos in the Theatre of Dreams

would normally suggest there's no month off.

That's a bit presumptuous.

Depends on what the tattoo.

It could be keep out, keep out the grass.

Close for business.

Only open from April to...

Oh, my God.

People are going to stop writing, isn't it?

They're only open from gentle March.

I wouldn't write into this.

I certainly wouldn't put my name on it.

They're made until July.

Question one, I've not heard of anyone doing this, no.

I've not heard of anyone doing it.

Question two, do I get her to scrap this idea?

Again, this is a conversation I think you have to have

with your lady friend.

Lady friend.

Yeah, they have to have a conversation

because I think you shouldn't be open

and closed in the sexual shop.


You have to just, if it feels right

at that precise moment, you should do it.

And if it doesn't, don't.

Yeah, maybe that's something you can...

What are you laughing at?

Open and close the sexual shop.

Well, she's saying it's like closed for fucking business.

Shit, these agony abs have got out of control.

I can only apologise.

It's supposed to be therapy.

It's not been today, but...

It is.

That's it?

Has there even got anything out of that?

Yeah, we're saying only have sex and it feels right.

There is a good twist on that.

I really enjoyed that pod.

It's good.

Going back over all grounds, Britain's next top model days

seems like a lifetime ago and feels like it.

It's interesting because I think we've had loads of people

emailing in and getting in touch with us

that want to hear about your journey

because there's plenty of girls

that would aspire to do what you want.

No, but I think what it is is if you're doing modelling,

you kind of...

It's just a picture.

You're not really talking.

You're not on TV, blah, blah, blah.

So people might see a picture of me, but not really know who I am behind it.

Well, that's why I thought doing this would be really good

because people do have a misconception of you

or a preconception of you.

But I know you and I know that you're all right.

You're funny.

You're engaged.

You are intelligent.

Thank you.

And I knew you'd be perfect for a podcast.


That's why I let you do one.


So well done.

But you're...

I'm not going to say it.

Anything else to add?


Actually, yeah, I wanted to add, you know,

we did our endometriosis pod a few weeks ago

and Dr. Jeffrey Brathwaite kindly said

he would see one girl a week and help them

on their endometriosis journey.

And just to say, we've been getting hundreds and hundreds of messages

and we are going through them.

And if you want to get in touch, it's

and we will be in touch.


And please keep sending in your agony abs

and your weekly whines as well.

Like, they make the podcast, don't they?

We have so much fun listening to them.

You can subscribe.

You can follow us on our socials.

It's if you want to get in touch.

Because, yeah, it makes the pod, don't it?

And follow us on our Instagram and watch us on YouTube.

And we hope you're all enjoying it.

All right.


Machine-generated transcript that may contain inaccuracies.

In today’s episode of The Therapy Crouch, by popular demand, Abbey opens the door on what helped shape her career as one of Britain’s Next Top Models. 

It’s safe to say this journey was not all plain sailing, with plenty of high points, low points and laughs along the way. 

We also hear Pete’s opinions on the change in power dynamic once you put a ring on it and why ‘Airport Ab’ is a force to be reckoned with on a family holiday. 

The nation’s favourite agony aunts are also on hand to give advice on what to do if you pass gas in front of your in-laws and reveal why a tattoo on someone’s ‘Theatre of dreams’ may not be all it is cracked up to be. 


To contact us: 





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