The Therapy Crouch: Neurotic Parents

Therapy Crouch Therapy Crouch 4/4/23 - 1h 11m - PDF Transcript

I wouldn't never do that to you if you gave birth.

Not like you couldn't golf, I'll tell you.

At this point I want to get the nine iron and whack them over the head, do they?

Hi, and welcome to this week's episode of The Therapy Crouch with me, Abby Clancy.

And me, Peter Crouch. We've had a good week, haven't we, babe?

We've had a great week. Can I just reference that we're missing producer Ross today?


He's gone skiing. He didn't ask for permission for this, by the way.

So I know he's got a little bit of a fan base going on.

We're getting a lot of messages by saying can we post a picture of Ross because he's got a sexy laugh.

So we must be hard, I can verify for all our fans that he isn't.

Can I just say, you might be missing his sexy laugh, the editing will be much better.

Poor Ross. He actually is gorgeous, our Ross, but I would say that because I'm biased, he's my cousin.

But anyway, moving on.

So we've had a good week this week.

Yeah, really good. What have you been up to?

I'm Jonathan Ross. How did you find that?

It was great. I loved it.

Good dynamic there, I thought, on the couch.

Yeah, I think it's always great going on the Jonathan Ross show. He's amazing.

And to see Alan Carr, who we love, a friend of ours, so that was good.

We had a great laugh.

Yeah, we did. It was a lot of fun, wasn't it?

It was similar to this in some ways. I ended up thinking I was just on Jonathan's couch.

The therapy couch with Jonathan Ross?

A bit, yeah. It was fun, wasn't it?

It's funny because when I do TV shows or whatever, I always get so nervous.

So to have Pete with me, I just felt so much more secure.

Although I was, I did have verbal diary and kept interrupting people, which I do need to.

That's just a flaw from you, isn't it? That's been going on for years.

You're interrupting. If I tell a story, sometimes you tell a story you want it to be good.

So you add little bits to it.

And you just rush through it, get to the punchline to get on to the next subject.

No, but it's because you just have a big, long, drawn-out approach to stories.

Oh my God.

That's what a story is. It's not like a bullet point joke, is it?

It's not like a knock-knock joke or a bang. What do you do? Just a quick joke.

It's a story, so you don't rush those.

Friends of mine know I butt in, so they're kind of used to it.

But I do see people's faces when I butt in all the time, and if they find it really rude.

Yeah, well, it is rude. Why do you not think it's...

Yeah, but I'm not doing it in a rude way.

It's rude, let's be honest.

But I just think normally, like, my version of stories are funnier.

And quicker.

Finally, you're in quicker.


While we're on the subject, have you been quite rude? The other thing that got to me the other day,

I'm sitting there, and I just noticed it, like, it's just crept in, and I thought,

I'll save that, the therapy crouched, because it's therapy.

So is this your wine?

No, no, it's just something, like I say, a bit of admin.

Why do you call it admin?

It's just something to keep on top of. It's not like I'm not whining about it.

I'm just wondering why you do it.

When I'm sitting there watching telly, why do you always turn the lights out?

So I'm sitting there, and then you turn it out and it's pitch black, and you do it every time.

Because I'm kind of creating a little bit of ambience.


I put a little lamp on. I put the kitchen kind of the light where the oven is.

I put that on.

I think it's like a wind down to create the mood.

Like, the kids, if it's completely brightness, the kids are running around.

So if lower the lights, they know it's bedtime coming,

so we can relax, watch the TV together.

Okay, so it's strategic.

It's strategic, and also...

Because I've never asked you, like, I wondered what that was about.

I'm sitting there watching telly, and all of a sudden it goes completely pitch black.

That's one reason, but the other reason is I don't like looking at all the stains on my rug.

And in artificial light, they look worse.



Yeah, so there's a few things like the rug gets on your nerves.

So to put it into context, I've got a rug.

A Seisel rug, which is a fucking ridiculous idea because you can't wash them.

You can't get them wet.

What's a Seisel rug?

A Seisel is a kind of...

For all those males here.

It's a kind of...

It's a fabric.

It's almost like a kind of wickery straw-like fabric, but you can't wet it.

So I got these gorgeous Seisel rugs, which are kind of...

Seisel, that's a new word for me.

Basket coloured.

Basket coloured.

Basket coloured, I think that makes sense.

With like a cream wool, and then I've got a big band round the outside and like off-white,

which is the bane of my life.

Because if the dog goes out for a wait, he comes in and only stands on the rim.

So there's just like muddy footprints and you can't wash it.

So if there's anyone out there who can clean my effing Seisel rug, please hit me up

because you would take off so much pressure into my life.

It's a huge problem with rimming in this house.

And the other day when I sat here, stop standing on the rim.

Why do you always say, don't stand on the rim?

The kids do it, but like it's on the corner.

So you try and walk round it and every now and then you know.

But do you know what you did the other day?

So I don't understand.

Like I've got cream carpet going up the stairs, a cream rim around all me rugs.

And it's just a simple room.

I've got a basket of slippers next to the door.

So you can take your shoes off, put the slippers on.

There should be no muddy footprints in the whole house, apart from the dog.

I caught you rimming the other day though.

No, you didn't because I wouldn't rim on my own rug.

There's just no chance.

I caught a rimming, right?

No way.

I realise what I'm saying and I'm really enjoying it.

But you did.

You stood on the rim.

You literally stood on it.

But you jumped on the rim?

No, I watched it.

If that was me, it's what I'm saying.

This is a constant theme across this podcast.

It's one rule for one and one rule for another.

You literally just strolled on the rim, went into the middle of the rug,

and did something and then strolled off.

I am not going to dirty my own rim.

I am just not.

But so I said, he walked in.

He walked in and I said, Pete, no shoes on in the house.

And he jumped on the rim of the rug and like that.

And then walked out.

It was really petty, but I jumped all over the room.

Oh, we haven't talked about Longleat.

Do you want to go for it?


So we've had a really nice week this week.

I'm really enjoying having Pete off at the weekends

and have these amazing ideas in my head

that we're going to do all these fun things.

But it kind of does end up of, as me and you,

doing separate things on the weekend

because the kids have got so many.


But having said that this Sunday was great.

We did something all together.


And I thought we all really enjoyed it.

It was amazing.

A few hairy moments, but...

Well, Pete missed the Liverpool game,

which he wasn't too happy about.

So we went to Longleat,

which is one of my favourite places to visit.

It's just such a magical experience for the kids.

You know, we got to feed a little baby panda,

baby red panda,

the giraffes, which I just love.

And, you know, the kids, Jack's really into like his reptiles

and that kind of thing.

So I had to hold a fucking snake and a tarantula,

which if anyone knows me.

No, because in the car, I said,

Pete, don't leave me to hold the tarantula this week.

I didn't have an issue with the tarantula last time.

I genuinely...

No, you're scared.

No, you said I'll hold the tarantula, right?

Oh, I said I'll hold the tarantula.

As if.

I thought there's no need for me to hold it

because a parent has held it.

I can't even hold a guinea pig.

I just said to Pete,

oh, if you hold the tarantula,

it'll be like very Viking today.

And it'll really make me fancy that.

I had tarantulas all over me at one stage.

Just throw them on me.

She loves it.

And they've got a couple of new additions there.

They've got two sloths,

which are incredible,

incredible to look at.

Like, and the movement,

I know you see it in like all the cartoon movies,

but the movements are like...

So slow.

Just reaching out and getting like a bamboo.

You would be a sloth.

Why not?

How you talk and how you tell stories.

Because I'm a little bit laid back.

It doesn't make me a sloth.

You are a sloth.

Yeah, well, what would you be then?

Like a...

What would you be?

I think I'd be a kitten or a horse.

A kitten or a horse?

They're quite opposite.

No, what was that thing he said that...

Like the freaking giant otter or something,

the most aggressive thing.

Yeah, what was that?

What was the really aggressive...

He said they're the most aggressive animal.

A warthog.

I hate warthogs.

You'd be a beautiful warthog,

but your temperament, I think, is a warthog.

He says it's very territorial,



Shut up.

You'd be a giraffe or a sloth.

I love the little...

Happy being a giraffe.

Do you remember we walk into the enclosure

and all of them are like that?

Like literally, it's like when you walk into like a saloon bar

and it all goes quiet.

When have you ever...

When have you ever been into a saloon bar?

I mean, like in a cowboy film, you know,

they walk through the doors and then everyone stops

and looks and you can just hear a pin drop.

Literally, the giraffe enclosure,

they all just turn their heads out and look at you.

They were scoping you out,

but the thing is...

You're probably unnerved by me.

But has he got out?

A giraffe from the back

does look like you, naked.

No, we're more like a camel from the back.

Yeah, like the long legs,

tiny arse and then like the balls

just dangling down in the middle.

It's like Pete naked.

Like now when I'm lying in bed

and seeing him drying himself in the shower.

That's too much info there.

I'm like that, looking at him going,

ooh, it's a tractor.


You are like a giraffe

because the bum leg ratio.

Oh, God, it's the bum leg ratio.

Because you're supposed to have a bigger bum than your legs

and you've got a smaller bum than yours.

Yeah, but, you know,

it's the way God intended, unfortunately.

I love it.

Every girl would be made up with that ratio, actually.

OK, so are we starting the wine club now, then?

Yeah, we will.

Just before we get into that,

apologies for the iPad.

Although it's great that we have an iPad.

It has been defaced.

Look at the back of it.

That's what I mean.

You can see that.

It is actually my little boy's iPad.

Don't worry, be happy.

Go with the flow.


Wise words.

But yeah, it's just to say,

subscribe really,

because I know lots of people watch this on YouTube

and we need to get you to subscribe

rather than just watch because it helps us.

OK, so my weekly wine this week.

Are you OK?

I've got one.

And it's a strong one.

Oh, no.

Is it bad for me?

No, it's not bad,

but it's been like a thing.

It's this, you know,

constant competition of who's the most tired.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I get that.

I can't say I'm tired.

You did this morning.

You did this morning.

I can't say I'm tired without you, like,

reeling off a whole barrage of reasons

why you're more tired than me.

It's exactly the same for me.

Exactly the same.

Like, sometimes I'll get through the door

and you'll say,

you'll go,

I'm so tired, I'm so tired.

Before I can go,

oh, it's been a long day.

We had a little row the other day.

I can't remember what it was about.

And I was going to work,

but obviously for my work,

I have to get my hair and my nails done

and stuff like that.

Because if I'm doing a photo shoot,

I have to look half decent and half presentable.

And the job provided a car,

a cab for me to get to this place.

So we were having a row and Pete texted me,

oh, God, I was like, I'm so tired.

And he texted me back,

oh, it must be exhausting getting chauffeur driven

to get your hair done and your nails done.

And I just thought you little bastard.

That didn't just come from nowhere.

Like that, we were rowing before.

I mean, I didn't just throw that bombshell at her.

And you were really rude before you left.

And then you got in the car and you were like,

oh, I'm so tired.

And so I did say that, yeah.

Do you want to apologise?

Not particularly, no.

So who do you think is the most tired out of us genuinely?

For instance, last night, right?

I have to work this evening.

Yeah, but I'm not well today.

Okay, we look all right now.

Yeah, because I've got loads of makeup on.

But I actually, I've got a hairdo.

A little boy had a cough.

So I'm in bed with him all night listening to him cough.

No, but I did the thing.

And then you got up this morning

and after sleeping in different beds,

he didn't hear the cough.

That's not true.

So going to go, I'm so tired.

I wanted to kill you.

So we get into bed, then Jack's coughing in his own room.

So he wanted to sleep with us.

So he got in our bed.

I was cuddling him.

So you went in another bed.

Yeah, for five minutes.

And then you swapped me.

No, you think it's five minutes,

but it was in the middle of the night.

I did like five hours, Pete.

Oh my God.

And then...

I can't let you lie to the people listening to this.


Look at her face.

So then I was like, can we swap?

I was like, can we swap?

And you do a bit of the coughing,

coughing boy.

And then I'll have a little bit of sleep.

Let's move on.

I appreciate you work hard,

but, you know, when you're at work,

I actually find going to work

like a little bit of kind of relaxation time

and a little bit of time out from the kids,

because when you're at home, you're doing dinner,

you're cleaning, you're cooking,

you're doing homework, bath time, bed time.

In the midst of this, they're having rouse,

they're running round.

So when you go to work

and you're with people your own age,

it's actually a nice thing to do.

So, like, while you're in work talking about football,

I'm doing all the hard work at home.

And then you come home and say you're exhausted.

It's not because I'm exhausted

for what I've done in my job.

It's because I've been up all night with the baby

who's been coughing,

got up early taking the kids to school,

and then I'm back at midnight.

Long day.

Shut up.

Doesn't matter what I'm doing,

it just matters that I'm out doing it.

But we both are.

I love my job anyway.

I'm incredibly lucky.

I love my job,

but you're allowed to be tired.

That's the thing, even now.

Yeah, I know.

But, like, I think it's the thing with couples.

Like, we've had a few emails about this before, haven't we?

And, you know, it's definitely a thing with couples.

You can't come in and go,

oh, I'm so tired, like,

and then the other person go,

oh, my God, let me make you a cup of tea.

Sit down, take your shoes off.

For some reason.

For some reason, you have to then go,

oh, I'm more tired.

I don't know why that is.

I think we should change that, do you?

Like, let's, instead of having a tired off,

let's go, like,

we're both knackered, aren't we?


You know?

Let's go to bed and relax.

I actually did do that to you yesterday

when you came home.

So I went food shopping,

and it's really hard,

kind of, planning meals for every day,

and it's so disheartening

when you put the dinner on the table,

and the kids are like,

I hate that, I don't like that,

I don't like this.

They don't eat it.

So people are like,

I really fancy lamb chops.

So known full well,

the kids don't eat lamb chops.

I made spaghetti bolognese for them,

and I made a vegetable soup.

So, but I made you the lamb chops,

made a marinade,

lay them all out on the tinfoil to the grill.

What was the marinade?

It was like coriander and garlic and olive oil,

and a bit of chili.

It's just what we like.

It's probably not the right combination,

but that's what we had,

with mash and tender stone broccoli.

And then I got it all prepared,

and Pete comes in,

bearing in mind this is what you requested for dinner,

and then comes in and I'm like,

oh, babe, I'm not hungry, I've eaten in golf.

My issue with this is that,

yeah, I really appreciate that,

I do appreciate that,

but you'll only do a nice meal when I'm out.

Right, so if I'm sitting there on the couch,

starving, right?

No marinade, no chops.

Sort yourself out.

So do you think this is tactical?

I feel like it's a tactic to get me home, yeah, I do.

I'm having a few beers after golf, right?

It's like, have a look at this,

what I made, get home now, basically.

I did actually send you a picture of all the chops.

Yeah, I never get a picture, right?

I've ever, like, if I'm coming home,

and she knows I'm coming home,

I've never had a picture of the chops marinated,

you know, marinated, sorry.

You might as well have said, get home now.

Did you know that's true?

It's not true.

It is true.

I think they're in court out there.

It's not true.

I've got a, just a quick one.

Should we cheers to our wine first?

Yeah, yeah, I'm not quite finished though.


Yeah, it's just something more,

it's more for us as a couple, really.

It's not like you, if you know what I mean.

It's when we go to bed,

and we haven't planned the box set,

or we finish one, right, we'll go up,

and we'll look for hours,

and you go like, oh, we're wasting so much time,

and you just can't get the right one,

you put one on and go, oh, crap,

and then you just, you flustered,

and it's so annoying,

and the worst part of it the other night

was we were that, we struggled that much.

Ab went on rotten tomatoes, right?

And she was going,

what's it called, rotten tomatoes or something, right?

Someone told me, I'm not on it,

someone told me about this thing,

this website where you can rate boxes.

This is gold, by the way.

But we didn't know if the tomato was a good thing,

or the green splat.

So I didn't know if it was a tomato.

What was the other thing?

There was a splat, a tomato.

And there was something else,

like a bin or something.

She was going to me,

it's like after that night,

I really want to go to sleep,

but I'd like to watch something good.

And she's going, Pete, what does a tomato mean?

And an aubergine.

What does this splat mean?

Is this good or bad?

I was going, oh, I'm done, I'm out.

I'm out, just put the news on or something.

I couldn't navigate that website,

it was totally impractical.

Yeah, I'm all over that.

Because it wasn't like current.

It was fucking rating Harry Potter.

I think it rates everything, doesn't it?

But why would you put Harry Potter up in the list

of wanting to watch a box set?

Now we've all seen Harry Potter seven million times.

I think there should be a guide

to working Rotten Tomatoes

if you're listening, Rotten Tomatoes people.

We struggled.

But I genuinely think that,

I think 99% of families,

99% of couples go to bed every night

and scroll through Amazon or Netflix

and do it for hours.

Oh, just so annoying and boring.

But then we stumbled upon gold.

And we were into it.

Oh, epic.

Yeah, it's good.

Really good.

The only thing is, it's like,

What did you go for?


It's called gold.

That's actually called gold.

It's about the gold heist in the 80s, was it?

And what's so funny about it is obviously the lead actor

is Hugh Bonneville, who we know from Paddington.

He's very good in it, isn't he?

But we keep forgetting his name as the detective.

So when she might fall asleep or something,

and then she'll ask me to explain what's happened,

and I'll go,

Well, Paddington's what gone into...

Paddington's gone into...

It's not Paddington.

No, I know he's not Paddington.

Is the dad in Paddington?

I actually, the way I explain,

I don't actually say his name.

I've even forgotten it now.

Hugh Bonneville.


What's his name in this thing?

Keep forgetting it.

In the show?

In the show.

Call him DCI, you know, Hugh.

And then she goes,

Well, who's DCI Hugh?

And I'll go Paddington.

And she'll go...

There's not on where.

So Paul has drifted enough,

and then waking up and being completely lost.

What's happened?

Well, Paddington's gone in here, has done this.

Do you think we should kind of get our listeners

to give us some...

box set recommendations to kind of stop this,

or we could put them out on our...

We could do our own version of Rotten Tomatoes,

which is actually...

which is actually works.

Instead of using, like, vegetables and fruit,

we could just use, like, five stars.

Like normal people.


Oh, my God.

What we should do is only put the good ones on.

Why would you put crap ones on?

Five star, no less.

But how do you determine that?

Because my brother, John,

who's sitting there, has got the worst taste in movies.

Sean, your brother, Sean, was worse.

Let's all sit down together. Let's watch Paul.

I can't believe that one.


And Sean called us and said,

you've got to watch Paul.

I said, Paul, isn't that the, like, the alien-like thing?

It's comedy.

Alien comedy.

Fucking Paul.

As if anyone would watch that.

I was in for a gritty kind of drama.

I don't make a sci-fi.

I love a sci-fi.

I can't bear a sci-fi.

I don't know.

There are certain kind of sci-fi things.

Like Game of Thrones was quite good.

That's because it's a porno.

It's not porno.

I don't know why you keep saying it's a porno.

Because I've heard it is.

It's not porno.

There's lots of things in it.

But there's, yeah, there's a bit of sexual content as well.

But it's not like a porno.

It's not like the incredible gulf, I've got to say.

It's not disturbing enough for you.

No green bikinis in it, is there?

Oh, vile.

Do you know what?

I nearly bought a green neon bikini the other day.

I was like, I had to stop myself.

So cute.



Like for holiday, because like neon on holiday is amazing.

Like make sure you have tons.

Neon greens are phenomenal.

And then it just said the visions of you having flashbacks of the incredible gulf

and being completely disappointed when it's me.

And not doing incredible.

He's disappointed?

Are you mad?

I wouldn't be doing anything incredibly gulpy.

Like at all.

So you would be disappointed.

So I didn't get it.

I didn't get it.

Oh my God.

So should we cheers to our weekly wine?

Yeah, I enjoyed that.

I already enjoyed that one.

What I'm very proud of.

It's a good sign when you're getting things off your chest

and you can laugh about it at the end.

And we have helped people.

We're talking about no one let's not have this tired off.


It's pointless.

Doesn't do anyone any harm.

Let your spouse or your partner enjoy their tiredness

wallowing it in their self-pity.

Let them enjoy it.


Yeah, I think the weekly wine club is something that people should bring into their own lives at home.

And maybe let us know how it goes.

You know, sit down, have a glass of wine, get it off your chest.

And just like say, right, what's your issue this week that I can work better on?

And what's your issue?

You know, with the tea versus versa, but then always have a little glass of wine or whatever you know.

Cup of tea.


Cup of tea.

Just a little cheers and just and it's gone.


You know, it's probably good to keep on top of these things.

So this week's topic what we're going to?

We're getting into neurotic parenting.

This is something like across the board, there's loads of neurotic parents out there.

I would class you in this category.

Without joking, I honestly think you, you know, you are so worried about you have health

about you have health anxiety, you are very cautious of the kids doing anything that would

hurt them. And I get that. I think all parents are, but I do think you are beyond the level

on that. And that's not joking. And I also think it really helps sometimes being like

that because you spot things early, any illnesses or any bumps or bruises or you're overly

cautious, whereas I am not on the other way. But I sometimes wish I was more like you.

And I do think that you would sometimes be, it'd be better for you health wise if you

were a little bit more like me.

Yeah, because it is a hindrance having this kind of health anxiety issue. I think it

comes from a fear of something happening to someone you love.

Do you think there's something that happened that has made you like this or have you always

been like this? Or was it kids when having kids?

I think I've always been a bit of a warrior because I've always been like quite maternal

and I was a lot older than my brothers and sisters. So I was kind of like a mummy figure

to them in a way. But I think obviously the main reasons, you know, when Sophia was a

baby and she had a health issue, which was at the time literally the most scariest time

of my entire life. Anyway, she had this operation and it was probably the most traumatic part

of my life. And we were in Great Ormond Street for three weeks after that. I went down to

like Seven Stone, didn't I?

Yeah, bear in mind like we're living in Great Ormond Street, right? I'm still playing football

at the time and I was living there full time. And I'm obviously going to football coming

back and travelling to and from. But that instinct of you as a mother like was unbelievable.

I thought how you behaved in that situation. Whereas, you know, I take the mick out of

you because we go for days out in hospitals, get scanned, go for lunch after. It's like

a full day out for us. But in that situation, like where something is happening, it's like

my mode kicks in, you know, and I don't know. Like for me, I just, the way you behaved in

that situation was unbelievable.

I couldn't do that now. Like after going through there. And it was funny because at the time

and there was like all like things in the paper. Oh, she's so thin. She's starving herself.

And I was like, if only you knew what was going on behind the scenes. And I think that's like

an important thing to bring up. Like you don't know what people are going through at home.

So to always be kind, do you know what I mean? Like, so I had to come down. I remember dragging

you out of the hospital. You wouldn't leave, would you? I remember dragging you out and

taking you for lunch. I couldn't eat. I know, but I was just trying to force feed you.

When she went down for a operation and you have to sign these forms. And it's like if

we do this, the child could end up with this. If we do this, he could end up with this.

If we do this, he could die. You know, that's how it's a real form that you sign.

You have to trust someone with your baby's life. And it's the most unnatural thing in

the world.

But when they decided that they had to have like a certain surgery, that we obviously

spoke to.

I'm having a panic attack. You think about this?

This is the issue. It's all gone now. You're still, these panic attacks and things like


Yeah, just to be clear, she's absolutely fine now. Like, there's absolutely nothing wrong

and she's a fit, healthy 11-year-old. But I remember when we went to see that one doctor

and he just said, no compassion, did he?

Yeah, and he said that you had to have this. And you were just like, no. Unless is why

I'd always advocate getting a second opinion. Because he's a surgeon and we don't know anything

about this kind of surgery. And we spoke to him and he said, you have to go down this

route. And you were like, no, it's not happening. It's not happening. We're not going down

that route. And then I said, I was like, well, he's a surgeon. We have to go with what he

says surely. You were like, no, no, no, no, no, no. We spoke to another surgeon who did

it another way, the way that we wanted to do it.

Well, the way he wanted to do it, which is down to you, which is incredible. But I can

see it now.

I can't even go to a hospital now. Can I? After that, like, you know, like in the past

where like one of the kids like fell and cut the finger or something, I might need a stitch

or I cannot go. I cannot go. I have got this innate fear and phobia. Like, it's a real

thing. Yeah, it's a whole anxiety, isn't it?

And I think it comes from having, you know, we've got a big family, we've got four kids

and you know, it's that fact of feeling so lucky that you've got four healthy children.

You kind of thinking, oh, God, is something going to happen? You know, but I think, you

know, it's when your life's when your life's good and things are going well, you can't

allow yourself to enjoy that. You always think something's going to go wrong. Yeah. And you

fact you've seen people about it, haven't you?

Yeah, I actually went to see a hypnotherapist.

How did you find it?

It definitely worked. I think going, you know, I haven't really opened up about what happened

to Sophia and don't really want to and it's full capacity because I think some things

are private. But going to see this guy, Tim, was incredible. And, you know, it just give

you certain thought strategies and ways to cope and to find out what your triggers are

and to overcome them and, you know, just thinking in a different way.

You're like going broader now, like even now, you know, if the kids have a cough, it's something

far worse, right? If we have a cold, it's pneumonia. If it's a headache, it's something,

you know, I don't even want to say the words what it could be, but that's how you think

and like you then go and every single doctor we've ever we've ever known has always said

to you, don't go on Google because you'll always find the worst scenarios out and then

you'll replay them in your head and you'll think, but you consistently do that on a daily

basis. And you're, you're literally form of self-sabotage in some way. I don't know.

And I'm sure there's people out there who have the same thing, but, you know, it's,

it's hard. And even when I think, oh my God, there's something wrong with the baby, I'll

have to go. No, just to calm me down.

I envy you that you don't have that sore process in your head.

But I also, I also don't let on to you if I'm, I don't even want to say this because

if you're worried, if I'm worried, I can't then go, I'm really worried because then

I'll see your, you'll go times 10.

The doctors in Great Ormond Street at that time and the nurses, they were just fabulous

and we spent weeks in there and there was a great place that we do. We try and do a

lot for Great Ormond Street just because how much they helped us. They were amazing.

And our sister goes there and cuts all the kids hair and stuff, doesn't she?

We're in, in there for a long time, but the doctor, he's actually passed away now. And

a funny story, actually, I often, I often texted him just to see how he was because

he basically, you know, we owe his life to him in a way. Do you know what I mean? He

was the most incredible man. And then so like, if my kids had banged the head, I'd be like,

doctor, doctor, do you think this is okay? And he'd just laugh at me and go, he actually

blocked me at one stage, didn't he?

Yeah, yeah, well, doctors, doctors out there, so many doctors have given you ABBA number

and I've said to them, just big mistake.

We had to, we had to go and see him for regular check-ups and he was like, Pete, can I deal

with you in the future? Because your wife's absolutely no case.

You were calling him about everything. He's a surgeon. He wasn't a GP.

He's like one of the best surgeons in the world.

Can I, can I tell a story with you? Do you want to go first?

Yeah, but I texted him like, God, it must be going over a year. It was in lockdown,

I think. And I got a text back from his wife saying he just passed away and I actually

couldn't, ugh, it's making me cry and thinking about it. And I couldn't believe it, could

I? And I actually felt like he was saying, like, bye.


Do you know what I mean? Because he was such a big...

We hadn't spoken for ages and then all of a sudden...

No, I did. I texted him all of a sudden.

It was a while since she last texted him.

Yeah, but he was just an incredible man and he dedicated his whole life to saving other

people and kids and going, travelling all over the world, trying to help.

And then he died and he was, he must have been in the 60s.


But he was an incredible doctor.

But he was.

Yeah, that's that.

Well, just to lighten the mood on this doctor. You all right?

Yeah, fine.

I remember after the operation, it all went really smoothly with our little girl.

We were sitting in a cafe over the road, weren't we, over the road from the hospital?

No, we were just sitting there.

And then...

With the jug of sangria.

Yeah, because, you know, we'd been told it was fine. Anyway, he was walking in and he

was showing a trainee doctor around the hospital and the ab just ran and jumped on the doctor,

wrapped her legs around him and kissed him on the lips.

And then he was showing the young doctor around and he said to the doctor,

I don't think I kissed him on the lips.

Wow, it was close.

With tongues.

It was very exciting.

Tongue, tongues.

I played tons of tennis with him.

And he literally said to the trainee doctor, not every day is like this.

He said, this is a particularly good day.

That was his quote.


He had a great sense of humour, didn't he?

No, he was great.

Yeah, so it's like happy tears and, you know, I don't want anyone like going, oh, feel

sorry, this is like a time in our life which we've overcome and thank God everything's


But, you know, seeing the work that they do in Great Ormond Street and, you know, some

of the kids in there who, you know, are not as fortunate as ours.


You know, ours wasn't like a life-threatening illness or anything like that, but, you know,

there is...

That's such a difficult time.

We went through that and we came out the other side and it wasn't as bad as, you know, some

of the other kids in there.

Well, yeah.

I don't know how parents find the strength to deal with these kind of things.

Well, I do.

I do because you did.

You know, we can laugh and joke.

You were amazing.

Like, that motherly thing, like, kicked in there and you were just, you wouldn't leave

her side and it was to the point where your own health was becoming an issue and I had

to sort of, like, make you eat or leave the actual bedside.

You know, that's something that you can't...

You can't...

Like, that's even in you.

It's not, you know?

And that is in you.

And I'm so glad that's in you because we all feel so much better, you know, that you have


Thank you.

We do.

I mean, we're lucky.

You know, there's not one thing, you know, if I say to you, you know, I'm getting scammed

the next day.

You're just on it, aren't you?

Yeah, I think health is so important.

Well, it's the main thing, without your health, you've got not, really.

But I definitely think this is where it all stems from for me and, you know, I try and

be more rational with things, but as you say, they have a cough and, like, it's some serious.

But I think it stems from that trauma and it is something I am working on.

But I think as well, though, it's good to have a little bit of that because I think,

you know, mom's now, they know these things, mom's and dad's.

I think it's good to have that in you, definitely.

But is there a case where it goes a little bit too far, like, for instance, Sophia wants

to go on a school trip and you won't let her.

You know, things like, you know, you can't do this and you can't do that because of this

might happen.

Yeah, no, it's a trauma that filters through to the ridiculous, you know, it's justified

in those situations.

But then it's like, you've got to let kids be kids as well.

I don't want them to go on a school trip because I don't want them to go on the bus because

if something happened or, you know, I volunteer on every school trip and then the kids are

like that.

Oh, come on.

That's constantly on the buses going everywhere.

When I am, we had to go on that watchtower and I had, like, 20 little kids or however


And I was like, can we go on this watchtower and see the whole view of the area?

No kids.

You're not going up there.

It's not safe.

It's not safe.

We want to go up there.

I'm like, because I'm terrified of heights.

That was like the main attraction in this science thing we were at.

It was like the actual, like, best of the day and it was like, no, no, no, we're not

going up there.

I was like, that crying, walking halfway up and I was like, I can do this.

No kids.

Come on.

It's not safe.

It's wobbling.

It's wobbling.

But it is a thing which is important not to do because to transfer your own fears onto

your own kids, like Sophia is fine.

She's like super laid back.

She's like you.

But Liberty is a total scaredy cat and she definitely gets it from me.

But I've said over the years, like, to remember when they fall and things like that and you'll

do like, huh, you'll make it and then they only start crying.

Because I've got a friend.


And like, you'll frighten them to then thinking, oh, I've hurt myself when actually you know

they haven't.

So I know why, you know, I'm saying I'm perfect, obviously not, but when they fall, if you

look the other way, you know, you can see them at the corner on your eye and you're

looking if they're hurt or not and then they'll look at you and you haven't even reacted and

they get up and they walk it off.

You know, it is obviously if it hurt, you've got to look after them.

But if they're not, you've got to let them work it out.

But each child we've had, I have got better with that.

Yeah, definitely.

So, you know, Sophia was literally born in Cottonwall and stayed there for about in Cottonwall

for about 10 years.

It even put me off, like there's a big age gap between Liberty and Sophia.

Like I was so scared of having another baby because I just didn't want to anything to

be wrong and go through that kind of thing.

It's not even, it sounds like it's a selfish thing, like, oh, I don't want to feel this


But it's, you know, I can't cope with things.

I just want the kids to be happy and healthy, do you know?

When you say that though, like you say you can't cope, like going back to Sophia, you've

proved that you can.

Like something kicks in, like you say I wouldn't be able to cope and I'd be neurotic, but then

I'd watch you be so strong.

Like it's something kicks in and I watch you go from, oh my God, you know, neurotic to

being a slight, you say, like a super parent, like a doctor, like a counsellor, like honestly,

you did.

You did, I saw it.

Most of our best friends are doctors and I just love it, they're literally my best friends.

You should have been a doctor.

I know.

I should have.

She loves it.

She knows every illness, like the doctor will say something and she'll go, that's so-and-so

and because of this, and she'll go, jock itch, don't bring my jock itch into this, no vac.

What's no vac?

No vac jock itch.

Tennis buns.

Tennis buns.

Well, you use tennis lovers out there.

No, it is a funny thing when the doctors say that, don't they?

What do you think it is?

And they're like, correct.

You are good at that.

But then that filters down to the like the helicopter parenting, like Sophia just got-

This is a term that I've only just found out.

I know about it.

Sophia got a scholarship into her new school and we went for this kind of meeting and they

had this, what is it, a speaker, is that what they call it, a speaker?

Yeah, a guest speaker.

They had a guest speaker and she was teaching us all about helicopter parenting, which was

just, it was fascinating and I was like, oh my God, that is me.

Literally you, isn't it?

And saying all facts about like from the age of like, no, obviously please don't quote

me on this.

I should have done more research actually, but I didn't think about it till now.

Like from the age of like, no to four, like kids have got like full of imagination and

no fear and they can, they play in a certain way and they don't have confidence issues

like when kids are like getting up singing and stuff and it's only as they get older,

these kind of things kick in like the embarrassment shyness and it's because it's to do with this

helicopter parenting.

If you're putting like pressure on your kids, oh, do this, do that, then they don't want

to try because they don't want to fail.

So it's kind of like a vicious cycle and then you think your kids being lazy and they don't

want to try and you know, it's, it's, it's a mad thing.

If you think about all the bad stuff that you have as a, it only comes from when you're

older, isn't it?

It's like, or if you let you say all, you have all the confidence, you'll get up naked

and sing in front of anyone.

I still do that.

You know, you're, you're constantly learning, you know, you're, like you say, the shyness

and, you know, the, the fear all comes because of, you know, that's, that's sort of instilled

in you, isn't it?

And of course she needs fear in some ways because, you know, I don't want to be, you

know, when you're 16 on the top of a freaking climbing frame jumping off it, you know, but

you know, you do need an element of fear, don't you?

But there is, there's so many things that we portray, we put on the kids.

Like I'm, to Sophia, when she started this new school, they had so many, um, like clubs

on offer and I like signed her up for like current affairs, Spanish algebra class.

And I was like, I, I want to go to this school.

I want to do all these things and she was like, mom, I'm not doing that.

I want to do like me sports and then play on the playground and that's okay as well.

You know, starting year seven, the finding the feet, the creating new friendship groups

and I, I did have to take a step back and think, you know, I've got to let her be here.

I can't push the things I want to do and things I didn't do as a child because I didn't have

the same opportunities as her, you know, she's our own person and she'll decide.

Yeah, that's a good, that's a good point.

Although I would love to sit.

I just like to be in current affairs like Elf, you know, when Elf goes to school, that

would be me sitting in current affairs, just trying to learn just like a sponge.

Whereas, but I've asked at school to current affairs, no thanks, I'd rather do 18 kipi-kipi


Yeah, but that's fun for you, 18 kipi-kipi up some ears, hell, I can't even do one.

Right, abscent me this earlier, right?

What is the definition of a neurotic parent?

Otherwise known as neurotic parenting or over-parenting, the term helicopter parenting was first coined

in 1990.

It's used to describe parents who are extreme in their focus, always hovering around their

children and worrying about their safety as well as their physical and mental well-being.

When I first read that, I thought it said hoovering around their children, I thought

this is literally ab.

Put it on medium!

Get it on medium!

No, that is me, and do you know what, it's only when you read things like that in black

and white you think, oh my god, that is quite a lot, but you know, our kids are happy and

healthy, I encourage them to be who they are, they wear what they want, they're happy, they're

confident, they're kind, but it's even like when I go to the swimming garlands, in the

swimming garlands for example, I am like a maniac, our daughter Sophia is an amazing

swimmer and we go to these garlands and literally it's the highlight of my week, I am like a

wild banshee in the audience, screaming, she can even hear me, she has no interest in

sport and she walks into a swimming pool and it goes ape shit, I scream that loud, I think

Sophia can even hear me underwater, it's mad, I don't know what goes into you, I just

love it, I didn't even think I had a competitive streak, but it's so funny, with all the parents

I'm like, oh she trains 10 hours a week, mine only trains 3 and she wins everyone.

You know, it's like, turned into a proper swim mom, swim mom, which is really upsetting

me at the moment because Sophia is kind of not loving the swimming as much as she used


She's not enjoying it that much.

She's not enjoying it, which is so, you know, how do you navigate that as a parent, you

know, when someone's got so much talent and natural talent and ability and they don't

want to do it, like what is the answer to that, do you go, you're doing it, end off,

put your mouse, get in the pool, or are you, do you, what do you do, what do you do, tell


I think it's difficult for a young child when you've got, you know, a helicopter parent

hoovering around the water.

Shut up, but you know, you know, you had this as a child growing up, you had your dad kind


I was incredibly passionate about football, so when someone has that level of passion

for it, it's all you want to do, it's easier, it's easier for that parent.

So that parent will then say, well, you know, if you don't go to training today because

there's a party on, you won't make it as a footballer, and that was enough for me as

a person to go, if I don't go to training today, so I went to training every time, but

if you haven't got that passion, that love for that sport, unfortunately, you know, it's

a two-way street, you've got to have it.

And there are times if someone's so talented that you have to tell them, you know, you

don't, don't let this opportunity go because you've got a world you feel.

But that must have happened so many times, there must be so many incredible footballers

that were coming through the ranks of that age where it was like, do I go to training

or do I go out drinking with my friends?

Because, you know, that chunk of your life, like, you know, that's like the most fun part

of your life.

Like, of anyone's life, like your teens to your 20s, and you're going out, you're going

on, like, lads' holidays or girls' holidays, you know, to sacrifice that with no guarantee

of actually making it must have been...

But this is exactly what, you know, I've talked about this before, like, trying to instill

that in Mike, in our kids, because that period where, let's say, 14 maybe, to 21 is the most

important because I feel like that is when you can get a leg up on everyone else.

That is the opportunity that...

When everyone else dips out.

When everyone else is going to parties, is taking a focus off it, oh, they're right

off the ball, not, you know, literally with football, but with anything else you want

to go into.

If you're already working at 16 and you're in an industry that you want to achieve in,

by the time you're 21 and those kids have been to uni dusted about a bit and then they

go, right, I need to get a job, you're already five years in, you're already four years

ahead of them.

You know, you've already learnt your craft.

It's the...

For me, I just think that's the most important time of your life and it's so hard to instill

in an adolescent teenager that that are the values you should have.

But does that only work if you have got a passion?

Because most, you know, it was easy for you because you went down that football route.

But for most teenagers and most kids, going to uni or not going to, they don't really

know what they want to do, so the option is have fun at the weekends, isn't it?

You know, how do you, because that's kind of a hard one if you're saying you have to

dedicate those years to what you want to be then when they don't know?


So what I'm saying is 95% of kids will go down that route of like having fun going to parties

like everyone does.

But what I'm saying, I think if you want to excel and be at a level where, you know...

This really applies to sportsmen, doesn't it?

I think that definitely does.

It only really applies to sportsmen.

No, I don't think so.

Well, it does because no one's up to 13 going, I'm going to be a lawyer.

I'm not going down that party tonight.

I've got plenty of people who have gone into working with their dad in a building firm

when they're 16.

And go, I'm going to run this company one day.

I'm going to run this.

This is my goal, this is what I want to do.

Or you go into advertising, leave school.

I'm not advocating leaving school at 16, but what I'm saying is having a goal and having

a purpose and having a drive and going for that at that age and putting all your effort

into that is a good way of, I think, succeeding early on in your career.


But now I'm 37, I still don't know what I want to be.

Like that's the truth.

Like there's so many times I've thought I'd love to go into further education.

I'd love you to go back to school and do that.

Honestly, I think because I think you'd be like you could be a doctor.

Yeah, but I'll be about 95 when I'm qualified.

You know what?

Who cares?

It's something that, a goal and like, you know, you'd be so, imagine you just like

you were a doctor and I know it takes years.

Everyone's probably laughing their heads off at this right now.

Babe, you could do it.

I know you.

You could do it.

Your neurotic helicopter tendencies are perfect for it.

But the thing is it's hard, especially when you've got so many kids, I think most women

feel this, both actually, mums and dads, like when you, when you have kids, you're kind

of your life and your dreams and passions do go on hold.

Number one, because you have to, you've got to look up like we had three kids under five

at one stage.

There's no way I could be doing a law degree or, you know, any doctor's certificates at

that point in my life.

I think there's so much to go out here with neurotic parenting.

I think we should probably do another episode continuing the theme and then maybe even,

you know, go into my style of parenting, like sailboat parenting, where you glide down a

calm sea front.

But that's not fair.

That's not fair to say I'm the neurotic one and you're the calm one.

It's because Peter Crouch, I take a lot of, I deal with a lot of the, I'm getting told

off now.

No, you're not getting told off.

I'm just telling you.

I deal with a lot of the stressful things and the things that you have to manage and

become neurotic over.

Like I'm still waiting for you to go and fucking my maths three years in.

You haven't done it once.

I don't know.

She didn't have a login by the way.

I've sent you the email with the login.

You sent me like three days ago.

I haven't.

I've sent you it every, every term, every month for three years.

Yeah, that's not true.

That is true.

That is not true.

I even had to forward the email off the teacher to say, you know, Pete's like, Abby, just

calm down, like calm down about all this.

I will deal with this.

And then just doesn't like, like swimming the other day, like I haven't obviously these

fights at Sophia about going to a swimming lessons.

And Pete's like, look, don't you and Sophia fight about the, about the swimming?

I will take over the swimming from now on.

I will take her, came home from work, it's five past six.

Sophia's sitting on the couch and telling him like, Pete, she's, she's start, she'll

be in a lesson at half five.

And he's like, oh, God, well, sorry, you haven't sent me the timetable.

I love that voice.

She doesn't mean.

The timetable.

The voice is incredible.

The timetable.

I've sent.

I'm going to tattoo it on your, tattoo it on your frigging head.

I'm going to tie, I'm going to put a helicopter like thing above your head like that.

You know, there's, you know, there's hats that you can wear.

I am a helicopter parent.

I am.

I'm proud of it.


I'm not proud of it.

Anyway, come on.

Let's move on.


I think there's loads to go out.

I think we should do a part two.

But look for now, let's just get into the agony app.


I think we should move swiftly onto the, perhaps my favorite part of the podcast, the agony


This podcast is the only joy I have at the moment.

I put it on in my noise-canceling headphones and escape, which is that's a nice thing,

isn't it?

I've been seeing my partner for a year now when it all started, I couldn't believe my


My life was perfect and she was the reason why three months in, she's messaging me saying,

we need to meet up.

There's nothing I need to tell you.

Oh, no.

As you can imagine, my heart was beating out my chest.

I felt sick as from previous experiences, those conversations only in badly.

So we sat down and she looked very sheepish.

I was like, there's nothing you can say that was to get me off.

Then she came out and said she's got a pair of 13-year-old twins.

She's been hiding.

I thought it was a bit mental.

Did you say a pair of twins?

No, because if you had a pair of twins, you'd have four.

Put your glasses on, love.

Which I suppose, yeah, I think that would be a bit mad.

Because I remember my mum and dad always used to tell me off and saying, she's got two twins.

You haven't got two twins.

You've got twins.

You've got twins.

A pair of twins is too many.

Fuck her off if she's got a pair of twins.

No one wants that.

You can get through twins, but a pair of twins, you're fucked.

I don't know, 13, I wish I'd been hiding them.

There's loads more.

I thought it was a bit mental.

She hadn't mentioned it because we've been talking 24-7 and going out every weekend.

I've always wanted a family, but it just hasn't worked out for me.

I was actually made up and so excited to meet them both.

A boy and a girl for contents.

Let's call them a non and a nonette.

A non and a nonette.

So fast 40 years, they've all moved in.

It's not going very well, unfortunately.

We feel like I'm living a real life parent trap, but there's no happy ending.

I even sat them down a couple of months back after a full day of constant schoolyard abuse

when we took them to the local ice rink.

I said, I'm in love with your mum and I've always wanted kids and I've wanted to meet

someone who has kids to be part of a family.

This backfired immediately.

They called me a milf muncher for a solid month until I banned it.

Oh my God.


Then they changed it to M&M.

And I get the occasional, a real fat shady, incredible emails these, do I give up on them

and just count down the days until they leave the nest or do I continue as a milf muncher

and the 40?

Do you know what?

It's so funny because when my mum and dad split up and my dad did like have girlfriends

or whatever, oh, we give them some abuse.



We got it.

Did they?

The absolutely got it.

The nicknames were horrendous.

We used to cause trouble.

Because you know, you've been in this situation.

We were full parent trappers, me and my brother, if that's what we would call it, but we used

to cause murder and then like act like angels to my dad.

God, it's harsh that.

It is harsh, but you know, it is hard for these kids, especially at that age, the teenagers,

the 13, you know, they're just going through puberty.

That's like a tough age.

He was happy to take that on.

You know, she hid it from him at first and then he was like, right, I'm actually really

excited about this.

And then they're being incredibly mean to him.

But for a woman as well, it is hard for women who've got kids to get a relationship, a new


It's not as easy for a woman as it is for a man.

And I think that's a fact.

You know, so, you know, I understand why she's done that because she wants to test out the


See if it's going anywhere before she kind of introduces the kids.

She's Lauren Holder, isn't it?

It's literally Jude Lauren Holder.

I get it.

You know, there's a flaw in that movie though.

There is a flaw in that movie.

You know, when he's got like all the girls calling him and it comes up as like Sophie

and whatever the other one is, like the kids like five, she's not going to have a phone

and she's not going to be in his phone as Sophie either.

No, I don't know, because you would, if you were an only parent, you know, she has to

get hold of you.

You would give your kid a phone, I think, because you can't always be with them and

you're the single parent.

But you probably didn't have phones then when holiday was made.

No, it did.

Also, what else you have in the kid in us, in your phone?

Mine is, Sophie is in my phone, it's my Sophia with loads of emojis.

What's she in yours?

That's Sophia.

My sisters, my sisters in Pete's phone is Princess Elle with like a mermaid emoji.

I don't think she put it in as that, like she put it in herself as that.

You're my lovely hubby.


What am I in yours?

My beautiful wife.


I think you put that in as well.

Yeah, this is a tough scenario, I feel for the guy, I understand the woman, the kids

are just being a pair of little bastards, but hopefully they'll get over that.

Because it's hard, you know, seeing your mum with a new guy, it's not their dad.

I also think from the kid's point of view, it's like, you know, if your mum is happy,

like, come on, let her be happy.

If he loves her, stick it out.

Like a kid from Norfolk, do you want to read this one?

Hopefully I can.

There's one reason I can never read when you give me something.

Kim from Nor...

I literally can't read, it's mad.

I can read.

Before, you literally said you wanted to be a doctor and you can't read.

I can read, I just can't read out loud because I get nervous.


Kim from Norfolk, need your help.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for over seven years, bought our first home three

years ago and now have our first baby on the way.

Then after we found out I was pregnant, Neil, my boyfriend, was invited on a stag, which

was being planned for three to four weeks after my due date.

No, he's not going.

I'm very laid back about going out on lad's holidays, so I just said, yeah, that'll be

fine, but now that it's getting much closer, I'm now 30 weeks pregnant and the stag is

next month, it's beginning to feel a lot more real that we're going to have an actual

fresh from the womb newborn baby and he'll be leaving me, he'll be leaving me to it for

four days while he swans off to Amsterdam.

I'm not even that worried about being left alone as my mum and sister are amazing and

would stay at mine with me if I need and want to support, but I'm finding myself feeling

annoyed about the fact he still wants to go and with her and with, can you imagine, imagine

still wanting to go to Amsterdam when you've just had a newborn baby three days before?

What, the baby's been born?


The baby will be a week old when he goes.

Oh, perfect.


Obviously, you don't want to settle pregnancy-wise, but if the baby's born, all systems go.

People keep telling me, oh, we might not want to go when he sees the baby and if the baby's

actually here, but if he does, I'm going to think, why does this prick still want to

go when people keep saying he won't want to?

Oh my God.

I haven't told him he can't go and I would never do that, but I will.

She seems lovely.

But will I be a dick if I make him feel bad about it after telling him he could go and

he's paid a few hundred pounds and he won't get back?

I would love to know your thoughts, thanks.

Update, baby is now born and Neil is due to go to Amsterdam in less than two weeks.

I think she should just say, are you messing, you're not going on a bloody stag do when

I've just had a baby?

End of.

I thought you might write like this.

I had a suspicion this might come up.

I would never do that to you if you gave birth.

I would not leave yet and be like, sorry, I'm going on a girl's trip.

Not a chance.

It's this sci-fi now.

It's 20th century.

It's 2023, guys.

2023, guys.

Anything's possible.


I don't know.

I think he's disgust him for wanting to leave the baby.

Disgust things a bit harsh.

This has been booked for ages, right?

And he paid his money and the baby is two, three weeks old.

He's been, you know, he's so happy to be a father, so happy.

And then he's just going away for a couple of days.

It's not even that.

It's the aftermath.

So he's going to go away for three days to Amsterdam and come back and be dead for

a week at home and be completely useless to it.

It's not the right time.

It's what he'll do.

He'll do what we all do.

It'll come in and he'll go and he'll say, you'll say, have a nice time.

You go, yeah, it was great.


You go, well, you must be knackered from all the drinking, you say, do you know what?

It was quite quiet.

We didn't actually drink that much.

I wish I'd stayed at home.

He just built out all the, all the usual.

You always do that.

Like if pizza.

All the usual drivel.

And then you pretend to not be knackered when you've had an hour of sleep in three


God, you're an absolute scumbag because I know you do that.

Well, that's what you have to do.

You have to just be a man.

You have to come home and you have to go.

Man in the night is a man in the morning, which you constantly tell me.

A man lived in is a man in the morning.

You go out, you get up.

Do you know what I mean?

This is the way you've got to live your life and you come home and instead of moping around,

you do it.

You do more.

You go.

Give me that beautiful, gorgeous baby.

I wouldn't want you touching a baby after you've been to Amsterdam for a weekend.

Actually, I have to get you disinfected from head to toe for a start, but the, it's like

when people take a minute, yeah.

So obviously that golf trip Pete went on.

One of his friends who went with him when he got home and he went to bed as his wife

made him get out the bed and get out the room for being too tired in his own bedroom.

Can you imagine?

It's something that you have to, you have to come home and you have to burst through

the door with love and energy.

If you want to go on these trips, this is my advice to anyone that's going on a trip,

you know, when we're in a long term relationship, just be energetic when you get home because

if you mope round and go to sleep in a different bedroom, which is what you want to do, you're

admitting to having too much fun.

You're admitting that you've had, you've had no sleep.


Pete's always like, Pete's always like, I'm like, oh, how was it last night?

Oh, so quiet.


Went to this pub.

There was only three people in there and two of them looked like pensioners.

Quiet, quiet.

I wish I'd never gone.

I know.

It's too long.

Hated it.

Not going again.

That's his classic line.

Not going again.

Do you know what?

We had a great time, but it's too long, babe.

It's too long.

We'll be doing that again.

At this point, I want to get the nine.

Nine and whack him over the head, do they?

It's golf reference.

A good reference, though, like that.


So in summary, you don't think you should go?


I think you should just keep trying, mate.

I think it's terrible.

Abby and Peter, please help.

My husband of six years is an avid Liverpool supporter.

Come on the Reds.

He's had a season ticket since the age of three, and I feel like he's always prioritising

football over me.

I feel like I've always accepted this and been a good wife and allowing him to go to

the majority of games.

How are we going?

I even let go that he leaves the house two hours before kickoff.

We live 20 minutes from Anfield.

He arrives home two hours after the final whistle, which has led me to my current frustration

is that I recently had a second baby, which I was just so happy about.

However, whilst I'm happily enjoying the challenges of a three-year-old and newborn, my husband

is blissfully skipping off to work every day, then attending every Liverpool football game.

Again, being the loving, understanding wife that I am, I don't complain even though I

haven't attended a social event in months.

The straw that has broke the camel's back came today.

I said, Mike, look at this great event being held on Easter Sunday at the hotel we had

our wedding at.

It was great, he said, book us tickets, which I did, and they cost me £75 of my maternity


Then he skipped out the door to watch his beloved team beat Man United to 7-0.

Yes, Bosch.


When he returned home, he told me that after an afternoon of looking after the children,

making a Sunday roast, taking care of his mother with a broken ankle, that he had checked

the fixtures.

On Easter Sunday, Liverpool were playing Arsenal at home, which would therefore be unable to

come to the Easter party with us.

Am I being unreasonable in being absolutely livid that you would rather watch a football

game than attend a lovely family event on his daughter's first ever Easter, or am I

simply a crank?

He goes to every game, league and cup games, so I don't think I'm being unreasonable for

him to miss one.

Anyway, divorce is pending, and I look forward to your opinions.

By the way, I love the podcast, Has Me In Tears Of Laughter.

It doesn't say a name here, but obviously from Liverpool.

I think this is hilarious because this is kind of my mum's life growing up.

I think for two of my siblings' births, my dad was at a Liverpool game, and it had to

be announced on the Tannoy, and I don't even think he came.

I think he watched the end of the game, and then came, and I think my mum said, when she

was given birth, he was drunk or whatever, and was like, I just feet up on the bed, snoring

in the corner.

I don't know how true that is, but my dad is the biggest Liverpool fan, so I know exactly

what she's going on about, but for you, you're quite good.

I think I've found the balance now, obviously I've been to every game because I've played

in them.

I think now I try and do a bit of give and take, like football's on every minute if you

want it to be.

Yeah, because I did feel bad for you when we were at Longleat, and he had to listen to

the same Liverpool game on the radio, because I actually offered to drive, didn't I, and

say, you watch it on the phone?

Yeah, I watched it when I came back in, but it's obviously not the same.

I don't get that.

Why is it not the same?

Well, because you've got to see it live.

Yeah, but you could just...

You've got to see it live.

I mean, you could bury your head in the sand, but it's so hard these days with your phones

and updates and the radio, it should be impossible.

The only thing you did to change with regards to football is our vow renewal.

When we planned the whole vow renewal and then had to change the date, because it was

on the Champions League, the World Cup final, which is not even a team that you'd even


It's the World Cup final, that comes around every four years.

But England weren't even in it?

We essentially could choose our wedding vow renewal any day, there's no real point in

booking it on the World Cup final day.

Easter Sunday can't be moved, I think.

So I'm just fast-forwarding to Easter Sunday now, because we've got a family day booked.

Well, I didn't realise it was live before last.

I know, that's what I'm just thinking.

We just agreed before, off air, that we would cook.

No, that was Mother's Day.

We could still cook.

No, that's Mother's Day.

Oh, sorry.

What's this?

Easter Sunday.

Easter Sunday.

We're at a kids' family Easter fund day that day.


Which I've booked, pre-booked.

But we could still go, if it's a day, I mean, kick-off, I imagine, will be, if it's a Sunday.


4.30, yeah.

Well, I imagine that'll be the big one.

So we can work around that, and I think maybe they can work around that.

You know, obviously, I'm not going to sit here as a football-loving person and say he

should go to the event.

I know how she feels.

She wants them there, but...

She knew what she was getting into.

He's a die-hard Liverpool fan.

He's had a season ticket since he was three.

You know, Liverpool fans are die-hard, and they put their club before anything in their


So I think...

She did know that when she met him.


And I know it's hard for her.

I empathise with that, and I would love to say to her, telling me can't go, but I just

don't think it's going to happen on this occasion.

Oh, well, that was the Agony Apps.

Really enjoyed that, did you?

I just think some of the descriptive writing in the emails are fantastic to keep them coming.

It's, all our socials, isn't it, babe?

The tic-tac, and the YouTube.

YouTube and tic-tac.

Yeah, thanks for tuning in.

I think we got quite deep in scenarios there.

Obviously, you know, you got a little bit upset about what we've been through.

We talked about doctors, neurotic parenting, and I think you got a lot off your chest and

felt a little bit like therapy.

It was like, it was fun, and also...

I think it was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster today, but I think some good topics covered.

You know, I think that, you know, health anxiety or helicopter parenting or neurotic behaviour

as parents is a common thing, and, you know, something that should be talked about.

And I think there's definitely room for part two on this, because it's such a vast...

It's an open field, isn't it?

There's so much to talk about.

Yeah, and I think people appreciate you being open about, you know, quite a private situation

for us, but you were very open, and hopefully that's also helped people that would feel

like that.

And I think sometimes if you listen to a podcast and you're being as open as you have been

today, you know, that might help someone else.

And it's been, obviously, a few laughs along the way, so it was a good well done today.

And you've really excelled yourself.

So please tune in next week.

Yeah, and follow us on all our socials,, TikTok, YouTube, and we'll see you next

week on Instagram.

Cheers, guys.


So, guys, if you enjoyed that, we've got so much more content on our YouTube channel.

Click here to subscribe and click here for more videos.

Machine-generated transcript that may contain inaccuracies.

In this week’s episode of the Therapy Crouch, Abbey and Peter discuss their differing parent styles…what could go wrong? 

We also hear about their recent appearance on the Jonathan Ross show and why there seems to be a huge problem with rimming in the Crouch household. 

Agony Ab is also back with a bang giving some great and some not so great advice out to you, our dear listeners. 

Enjoy this week’s Therapy Crouch!

To contact us: 





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