The Therapy Crouch: Moving Abroad

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Ich habe den letzten Abend Abend gesessen und habe nur auf die Wall geguckt.

Ja, weil du das gemacht hast.

Ich weiß, wir sind am Holidays.

Aber ich habe so viel Planung zu tun,

für wenn wir zurückkommen und arbeiten.

Mein Kopf ist about zu fallen.

Was ist das Problem mit dem Holidays?

Ich wünschte, ich könnte es.

Aber ich bin einfach geblieben.

Aber wer?

Ein Busywoman.

Busywoman.

Es hilft nicht, dass man ein paar Tage später verwendet.

Ein paar Plunkers produzieren diesen Podcast.

John und Ross, alle, missed their flight.

Ich weiß.

In den Airport.

So, talk us through, what happened, Ross?

So, we got to the airport two hours early,

thought we were well ahead of time.

So, it was 3 am.

So, we got there at four, and the flight was at half six, I think.

And we got there, and there was two flights to where we were flying to,

at the same time, but in different ends of the terminal.

And obviously we sat there with our spoons,

airpoints and all that, and then just went to the complete wrong direction.

I had to run through the airport like a pair of Divis,

missed the flight and had to sit there for eight hours.

It's an absolute nightmare.

I don't think I've ever missed a flight in my life.

That's my first.

I remember my England debut was in New York.

And I stayed out there, went out and took the next flight.

You missed the flight with the team?

No, no, no. Everyone flew home, team.

We stayed out, and actually, believe it or not,

David Beckham took us out, and it was a great night.

And I just didn't wake up.

No regrets.

All good.

Does it look like I'm sitting here with no pants on?

You are?

I've got pants on.

I've got bikini knickers on.

Why have you got no pants on?

We're trying to get to YouTube.

We're trying to get to YouTube.

It's like therapy crotch slash only fans.

Therapy crotch.

Hi, guys, and welcome to the therapy crotch.

What do you reckon on these women,

only fortunes or only fans?

Fucking God knows.

We need to get you on it.

Only the good looking ones.

It's not my thing, though.

No? No.

You had a fortune, can't you?

You might as well look into it.

I'd rather be wealthy in dignity.

I could put my feet up.

On the webcam.

You could do a foot thing.

You could do a foot fetter.

No, I couldn't.

No, that big toe.

I love your feet.

Lovely.

Chicken drumstick.

You can talk, freaking eagle boy.

Do you mean eagle boy?

Your feet are like eagle's talons.

If you don't know my feet,

they kind of curl over a bit.

And they actually run on my nail.

If you don't know, why would people know?

I don't know.

It's on Google, I thought.

You know how a bird gets on its perch.

Kind of like...

Oh my God, they are on Google.

My feet are.

Oh my God, look at that.

Yeah, so we're back where it started.

We're on holiday with our family.

We've had a great time.

It's been a busy year,

which we're so grateful for.

The podcast is going great.

It's a dream job, really.

And it is a kind of form of therapy.

Sitting down together, chatting, reminiscing

about our life relationship.

I think people have kind of got to know you.

I know I had my podcast.

And obviously, I suppose...

That old thing.

No, I think like...

I don't think you didn't speak a great deal, did you?

You'd like this photos of you

and kind of modeling and things like that.

And you've done this strictly, but...

I think this podcast has probably,

I reckon there's been a few people

seeing you in different light.

Not as stupid as you look, you know?

You're actually quite funny.

That's nice, isn't it?

So nice.

No, I just think I reckon people

would maybe add a misconception.

I think it's nice to be able to showcase

what I see every day.

Yeah.

Before we get too far into that,

let's get into the weekly lines.

And I've been thinking about the weekly lines.

You know, sometimes you don't have them.

Hmm.

And try to think of something

I don't like about you.

It's my wine this week.

Because you've been good.

I've been good.

And like, even an Airport-Ab

on the way out here.

Cos I'm trying.

You've made a real conscious effort.

Yeah, but that's the whole point

of this segment, of this weekly wine

and, you know, this podcast.

It's to kind of air our issues,

work on them and improve.

And I am trying to take on board

and talk about me, like, obviously,

Airport-Ab and, you know, being stressed.

Because the Airport-Ab is like a serious comment.

Airport-Ab, I'm trying.

Yeah, I'm trying.

You've been great, honestly, yeah.

You've really worked on it.

Just like, you know,

it's still the odd kind of hairy moment in the cab.

But it's nothing like that, where it was.

It's nothing like, you know,

a hell on earth that it was.

Hell on it.

So, like, trying to...

I remember, obviously, when we started this podcast,

I was thinking, what is trying to think of something

that I didn't like about you, you know?

I had loads.

I don't think it's something you don't like about me.

I think it's...

I didn't like about you this week.

No, I don't think it's...

I actually don't think it's that.

I think it's what annoys you about me,

not that what you don't like.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

You know, sometimes, unless you've got one for me,

usually, if I say one for you, you unload on me.

I think my only weekly whine would be

not let me read my book in peace.

Have we talked about this already?

You've mentioned it briefly, but you haven't got into it.

So, my sister gave me this book,

and it was just, you know, I couldn't put it down.

And Pete hates it when I read,

because he's like, I've got no one to talk to.

And Inesia, play with me.

What book is it?

It's called Blood Orange.

Oh, yeah.

So, the author was this, like, X-Barista.

So, it's kind of...

You know, it's quite dark, but it's entertaining.

I've got a whine in general.

You know, when people tell you about their book or their dreams,

no one cares.

But it's like, no one really cares.

You go, I had this dream last night.

And it turns out it's true.

No one's interested.

Sure dream, like a sure thing.

It's the same with the book.

And I read this book, and you go, oh, just tell me something.

It's like looking at someone else's holiday snaps, isn't it?

Pictures of the kids.

Or pictures of the baby, you're like, oh.

Never seen my dog.

I actually prefer dogs to humans.

Looking at pictures of dogs.

When people show me a baby,

they might as well have googled it, I think.

It's not interesting.

It's really not.

Do you find it interesting?

Yeah.

Really, though.

That wasn't a convincing yeah, to be honest.

Well, I love babies, don't I?

I know you love babies.

I've got nothing against them.

I just think it's a baby.

When you go like, it's got your eyes.

It's got its own eyes.

It's own nose, it's own fucking mouth.

I don't know, they change so much, don't they?

I don't know, maybe.

I just don't think it's that interesting.

So, it's the audience wines.

Yes.

Hey guys, my weekly wine is that we are going on holiday,

but only I do all the booking and planning.

I need a pre-holiday Pampa for all the hard work I do,

and it doesn't even pay for my pre-holiday glam.

Men can really get through life so easily.

What's on that?

To be honest, we're quite 50-50 in our house

when it comes to holidays and planning.

So, I'll do all the packing, I'll sort all the kids out,

but Pete will do the flights and accommodation and stuff,

and book the restaurants and stuff.

I quite like you taking charge like that.

Yeah, the only thing...

Although that fucking zebra boat,

the boat taxi, the thought I was going to die on.

What's this?

We got a boat taxi, right?

Absorbs, she was on.

Oh, God knows what.

It was a zebra print boat taxi.

Like the Uber Boots.

Basically, yeah.

It was two euros.

I thought it would be fine.

But there was no lifejackets on,

there was about 7 million people on there,

and I thought if this sinks, what are we going to do?

We must do about 100 trips a day.

That doesn't reassure me at all.

If anything, it's a Jewish sink.

Exactly.

Exactly.

You are left with it that way, yeah?

No.

But now I think, you know, for women going on holiday,

you know, generally like to get the nails done,

get a pedicure, maybe get the eyelashes done.

She's done the whole lot,

and she just wants some of the pain.

I get it.

Good lad.

Hey, Pete, I love you both on the pod.

So my weekly wine is my other half of fuses

to let me get a cleaner due to A cost

and B is weird security paranoia.

He's a lazy sod.

He never has the initiative to clean the house

unless they ask him to help.

And even then, it's a half-ass job.

I think a cleaner would be the answer to this problem.

It would prevent all the arguments about the state of the house

because it would just be always be perfect,

sparkling a boat that I always aspire to own.

So, how can she convince him to get a cleaner?

I think she should go and strike and not clean the house.

But that's like you, you know,

I don't think you appreciate a clean house

and take note on all the work that goes behind it.

But when there's mess, you're like, oh!

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, I don't like a messy house.

But, yeah, I don't like cleaning it either.

You're the worst cleaner.

I would, I would.

I think it's a top investment cleaner.

I do think it's important.

But I clean for the cleaner, don't I?

Yeah, people do.

My mum used to do that.

It's like saving face a little bit, isn't it?

I don't think I'm a scruff when they come round.

You don't want to take the piss?

Yeah, no, not at all.

People even just skiddy undies all over the place.

She asked to see them.

Oh, shush.

The old scratching sniff.

You would say so, have you worn these?

You wonder if I take them.

All right, let's move on.

Hey guys, I'm a 45-year-old man off to Crete with the family

for two weeks on the 22nd.

I set myself a target of losing 10 pounds three months ago

and I've got 17 pounds left to lose.

And he sips.

God, what the hell?

17 to go, amazing.

He's gaining weight and he's supposed to be losing weight.

No.

Yeah, he had 10 pounds.

17 to lose.

17 to go.

He's put on seven pounds.

But that's the thing about a holiday.

When you go on holiday, you don't want to be worried about

putting weight on and you figure and all of that.

I don't think so.

Well, the holidays, you want to be chilly,

you don't want to be going to gym on holiday.

But I quite like it.

I said that.

Well, yeah, the last holiday we went on,

I hit my neck.

So my gym clothes was packed.

And in my head, I was going to the gym every day.

I did one Pilates class, then pulled my neck.

So I couldn't go for the next 10 days.

And then we've come on this holiday

and we've done far too much eating and drinking

and sleeping in.

So we haven't been to the gym.

And it's, you know, that should be your weekly wine.

We're wearing moan every day about not going to the gym

and then just don't go.

Yeah, that is annoying.

You've got a lot of willpower, like you can get up and go

and do it where I really struggle with that.

Yeah.

But I think what people should do

is kind of work out before they go on holiday,

get the physique in a place that they can tempt with

and happy with.

So when they go on holiday, they can relax,

they can have that bread roll, they can have the butter,

they can have the alle alle, they can have the dessert,

they can have the cocktails without going, oh.

So basically the complete opposite of what this fella's done.

Yeah, literally.

This is Darren from Swansea.

Yeah, he's going to Crete and he's...

Got a stone on.

He's not very well.

It's hard to lose.

It's when you get into it, you stay into it.

It's so hard to make that initial jump.

I think like when you haven't done the gym

or done fitness for a while,

it's hard to kind of like...

You think, oh, it's going to take ages to get where I want to go.

But you felt like that when you quit football, didn't you?

You really felt like, oh my god, so used to...

You were conditioned to do fitness every single day.

The amount I used to mown about pre-season,

and it was so hard, it's so tough,

but I miss that, being that fit.

It's not as if I'm unfit now at all,

but I'm not like that kind of...

You look fine to me, babe.

He's got the best six pack.

Far from it, I'm incredibly fit.

But I don't...

That kind of like where you just feel amazing.

It's nothing.

But it's, you know,

when you get up and you work out and you go to the gym,

the effect it has on your body is amazing.

You have so much more energy.

You know, your body's improving,

your mental health is improving.

You know, I need to convince myself more of this,

actually, because...

You should listen to yourself.

I know, I know.

You need to just go for it.

I know.

Because it makes you feel better.

You look incredible anyway.

You don't need to do it for that.

It's just...

How do you feel?

No, I know.

Well, we're doing it this week.

Once these two have gone home.

Have you played any paddle?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah?

You got in the court.

Who won?

Well, I didn't play with Pete.

We had our friends over for a few days.

Sophia's friends, Mum and Dad.

And Lorraine and I played paddle

and we were equally as awful as each other.

And our rally was the highest we got.

Two was 11.

That's not bad.

Take that.

I think that's terrible.

I was trying to be nice.

She was shocking.

So when I play with Pete,

like the standard's so high,

so he basically hits the ball to my bat.

Yeah, he messes up your mistake.

I love the way you just turn

and put it out of the court every time.

I came home with a bruised thumb.

Every time the ball was hitting my thumb

when I was holding the bat.

Pete was like, how does that even happen?

I want to be good at that.

It won't take long to get good at that.

Just practice.

But you don't want to play with me because I'm so crap?

Correct.

I was going to say no, I do, but I don't.

So boring.

I hit it to you, you hit it out of the court.

It's pointless.

I want you to do the whole standard behind me.

Hold the bat like that.

I'm happy to do that.

And you never do.

You're like, fucking hell.

Just throw in the bat on the floor.

I've got to play with you.

Well, next time we go to a paddle court,

I'll just go straight in behind you.

Lovely.

How are you going to tell him to lose weight?

Was he got left?

Well, it's going to be really difficult for him

because the food in Greece is incredible.

However, it is healthy, isn't it?

The Greek salads, fresh fish.

But he needs to lose the weight before he goes.

That's the issue.

He's got two weeks.

17 pounds overweight, he said.

That's a bloody lot, that.

Stone in two weeks, essentially.

It's not going to happen.

Oh my God, it's not going to happen.

Well, it's not, is it?

You're giving him a bit of hope here.

Unless he sews his mouth up.

It's not going to happen.

It's probably the booze.

Get a loose weight if you just go to a run or something.

Okay, so as an ex-Athlete,

tell him what he can do.

Just go for a run.

Just run.

Yes, not that easy.

And he's healthy.

No carbs.

No carbs before Marbs these days.

No carbs before creases.

You can eat, but I think exercise.

You'll feel better.

No treats before creases.

Okay, there we go.

Nice.

So we were talking, you know, we're on holiday.

We were talking about taking the plunge

and would you change a scenery,

Upsticks, leave England?

Would you?

Yeah?

Yeah.

You've said this for a while.

I feel at the moment that I've got a bit of itchy feet

and I'm ready for a new adventure.

I genuinely feel that.

Where would you move to if you could?

I'd like to do the ranch vibe.

Yellowstone.

Yeah?

And I've said it before, but I would love that.

You know, get the kids off the bloody iPads.

I know it's amazing, but I do think after a while.

I don't know.

We said to the kids, like, what would you fancy?

And they said Australia and lived in Australia.

What's the shot?

Sophia was like, I'd love to move to Australia.

And I was like, why?

And she was like, because White Fox,

it's this Australian brand that she likes.

I'd like to use Australia, because then we wouldn't have to pay shipping

on the White Fox-Hoddies.

I was like, what?

There's not a reason to move to Australia.

And Liberty was like, I want to move to America,

so we can, you know, just go to Target every day.

Target?

I was like, watch this.

Target, Target's like TK Max or something.

No, it's like...

It's like Urban Bargains, isn't it?

But a bit more upscale.

Yeah, I think it's like a...

...an all-purpose store.

As you know, there's like American Majors,

can go and buy a rope and a...

Ducktape.

Ducktape in there.

You can also buy like...

Is it one of those you buy?

Tackies.

Yeah.

Yeah, like a Walmart Scream Serial Killer.

What the fuck?

So, so, that's what I think of it.

Yeah.

Do you?

Yeah, I agree.

That's where they go for supplies.

You see them breaking bad?

Yeah, or Dexter.

Or Dexter, something like that.

Yeah.

That's what I think and the kids like.

I just want to go to Target.

I think if you were to move abroad,

especially with the young kids,

it would be better to go somewhere

where they spoke a different language.

They could learn the language.

Yeah.

You know, in America and Australia,

it's kind of like British culture anyway,

whereas if you brought them here, in Spain.

A friend of mine has just moved to New Yorker

and, you know, the way of life,

slower pace, beautiful,

amazing, fresh food.

I think there's something to be said

for your eyes, looking at beautiful things.

What it does to your insides.

You know, when we go to New Yorker

and stay up in the mountains

and we look out the window,

and it's like, it doesn't even look real.

It's that beautiful.

That's put you in a good mood, isn't it?

It puts you in a good mood.

You know, open our curtains,

looking out in England to our scaffold

and pissing down rain.

You know, it's not the one, is it?

I do think you could try something different.

I've got so much respect for people

that do take the plans.

You know what, I'm just going to do this.

Yeah.

Because it is, I don't know,

you're just conform, don't you?

You've got to do this.

You've got to go to school here.

When Pete was a footballer and it was like,

we're moving, it was like, where to?

Dallas, no stoke.

Bernley.

We're moving.

Washington.

No, Bernley.

Well, I moved.

No, you commuted.

You commuted.

That was funny, that staying in Bernley.

I stayed in the hotel and I was like,

oh, I feel so sorry for you,

but I was in this beautiful hotel.

You had the Michelin Starbley.

And the Michelin Starbley.

It was like a Michelin Starbley.

I was thinking he was starving to death

under there.

She was going, oh, are you getting enough food?

And I was going, I was looking like,

now we're going to play football.

Fault of the Romain Fragoire.

Third course.

It's a nice and absolute nightmare.

The third tasting wine was amazing.

Where would you go to?

I do think like a little New Yorker one would be nice.

Ich weiss nicht, ob ich in England ziemlich mag.

Du liebst England.

Ich weiss nicht.

Peter wollte nicht auf holiday kommen.

Er wollte, dass wir in der UK bleiben.

Stakation.

Ja, Stakation.

Und wir gehen nach London.

Und was weiß ich?

Ich glaube, London ist unterestimiert.

Das ist ein Ort.

Es ist nicht unterestimiert.

Das ist eine der besten Städte in der Welt.

Aber ich denke, dass die Menschen, die in London leben,

das heißt nicht.

Weil ich wohl in London gelebt habe.

Es gibt so viel, was ich noch nicht gesehen habe,

weil es in meinem Land ist.

Aber wenn ich in Rom gehe, sehe ich alles.

Mein Gott, Rom.

Ich lebe in Rom.

Das ist ein tolles Ort, oder?

Florence ist wie eine Mini-Version,

die ich gedacht habe.

Ja.

Rom ist so schön.

Könntest du dort leben?

Italien ist toll.

Ich bin immer in Sorrento.

Das ist wirklich schön.

Ich bin ein guter Passant.

Kil Kypree.

Oh ja.

Wo auch dich clubincилась mitnehmenreibst du?

Ichはいkte dich, der Norddeutschland.

Ja, echt?

Montella?

Ja.

Yellowstone National Park?

Ja.

Hannah Montana.

Was du da machen wollen?

Ich will darüber zu dienen.

Diese username patternslautartige

sch CGI,

We are st designating the mountains

und in a pouring ...

Ja, ich habe versucht, meine Nostrils zu halten.

Oh, du hast das gemacht, das ist so weird.

Meine Nostrils haben einfach geblieben.

Die Nostrils, ich ...

Es geht sehr stark.

Nein, es ist yours.

Du machst das zu mir?

Was ist das allemals?

Ich habe keine Nostrils, du hast sie geblieben.

Ich dachte, es war verrückt.

Ich dachte, es war deine Nostrils,

du hast mich verdammt geblieben.

Du musst nicht wieder das Gesicht machen.

Du solltest die Nostrils aufnehmen.

Was ist das für ein Terradakt?

Terradakt.

Ist das das, was du gemacht hast?

Ich fühl mich nicht so gut.

Ich habe nie so viel Wind gefühlt.

Aber es ist nur ich.

Ich weiß, es gibt viele andere Menschen,

wie ich.

Du kannst mich anziehen, Baby.

Es ist okay.

Ich weiß, es ist okay.

Ich weiß, es ist okay.

Ich weiß, es ist okay.

Ich dachte, ich möchte ein Podcast.

Podcast.

Du kannst es in deinem Gesicht sagen,

dass du mir über deinem Traum erzählst.

Das ist was, was ich denke.

Das ist mein

Ja, eigentlich in Height and Leisure.

Haha!

So, are you joking?

No!

I used to take me in Charlotte to Linedansen, with all the pensioners.

Is that like Morristansen?

No, it's Linedansen.

So, how does that work?

You stay on the line.

Yeah, and we had the cowboy boots on, the denim shirt tied, the cowboy hat, the bunchies.

Yeah.

And do you like turn around?

Like, is it like kind of the Irish jig?

I don't think so.

No, it's like, you know that.

You know that thing that we were doing the other night?

That does...

That one.

Oh yeah.

What's the song?

Candy, that one.

You like candy.

It's like a country version of candy.

Candy, I like candy.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Have you never seen Linedansen?

I don't think so, no?

It's an American thing.

Is it?

It's a cowboy thing.

I'd love to see Pete Linedansen to be there.

You'd love it.

You would absolutely love it.

I think I know what you mean.

I think...

You did that when you were a kid.

What?

You're doing the horn again?

No, I'm not.

I did bingo when I was a kid as well.

Who were?

We used to go on a Sunday, just with my mates.

With the lads?

Not even with your nann.

Me and the boys.

How can you go from Linedansen with your nann to bingo?

With the boys.

No with the lads.

It's great.

I like bingo.

Yeah, I like bingo.

I still love it.

It's great fun.

But that's like the next phase of your life.

Doing these activities together as a couple.

Retiring together.

We could do dance lessons.

We could go to bingo together.

Travel?

Yeah.

Travel is important.

I'd like to go and visit places.

Where's on your hit list?

I'd like to do South America.

I don't...

I'd like to go to Peru.

Or go to the rainforest.

I'd like to do things that you just...

Just go and find yourself?

Yeah.

Who am I?

It's like that?

Yeah.

Oh no.

You can yawn through his nose.

But that's like new today.

Every day is a learning day.

Like a picture.

You look like a little baby pterodactyl.

What, when I yawn through my nose?

I used to wear a kind of building site with a fella called Terry.

He was an absolute Grandpot.

And he legally changed his middle name to Daptil.

So his name was Terry Daptil.

We had that on his driver's license.

Terry Daptil.

How funny is that?

Terry Daptil.

That's Ledge.

Wow.

He must have been a lun.

Where would you like to go, Ross?

I would like to do South America.

To be honest, obviously I speak Spanish a little bit.

So I'd like to get out there.

My housemate from Argentina.

She's giving me loads of recommendations.

Just...

I'd like to do that.

I've never been to Australia.

So I'd like to do all that.

I think you need time.

It's the big thing.

You want to spend months out there, don't you?

You don't just want to go for a week or two, really.

Yeah.

I always find, like, when you land at an airport and you go like...

Oh, what's it like when you come out?

When people land at Gatwick.

Do you think that's London?

And we go, I don't like London.

That's weird, isn't it?

I've thought really much here.

I don't know, you just did so much to explore.

So LA, for instance, how big is it?

You go for three days in a garden, really like LA.

You've probably seen point...

Well, my experience of LA was turning up to our hotel,

expecting my Bellini on arrival on a white fluffy robe

and turned up to fucking Spring Break.

Seven million people in the pool.

I was like, what the hell is this?

We've done like a night flight kind of thing.

We arrived.

I think it was kind of afternoon-ish, wasn't it?

Hm.

And it was...

You know, in a pool, but you can't see any water.

So many people in it.

We looked out of the balcony and it was like...

It was like we need to leave.

I bet you were dying to get involved.

Yeah, look shipping.

Anyway, I'm just going to go down for ten minutes.

I'm just going to speak to the concierge.

He's breaking down, y'all.

Red cups are out and all that.

Have you ever done much of Asia?

No.

I've never been.

I'd love to do Asia.

Oh, no.

Oh, it's Japan.

That was amazing.

That was incredible.

But Japan was amazing.

Hm.

We went up to the mountains,

the monks and stuff.

This fellow was trying to do this kind of martial art show.

It was amazing.

Hm.

Like a shogun type of thing.

I would love to go to the Tibetan mountain.

Although I did Vietnam a couple of years ago

and Thailand and Malaysia, like that area.

And I don't think you'd like it.

I don't fancy Thailand at all.

I don't think you would like it, to be honest.

It's not on my list.

It's not a bit of you.

I think...

I don't know.

It just seems we're dangerous.

After watching Bloody Bridget Jones.

Got me off for life.

Honestly.

What happened to Bridget?

She was in a Thai prison, wasn't she?

Yeah, she was in a Thai prison.

That was one of the recent ones.

It just terrifies me.

I don't know.

I just don't really like the chaos.

It's busy.

It's very busy.

It's organized chaos.

But I love it.

But I don't think you'd go to Thailand.

I've never been a backpacking kind of girl.

Yeah.

Huge respect for these teenagers.

19, I'm just gonna go backpacking around the world.

I would be petrified to do that.

I just...

No, I can't even stay in a five-star hotel on my own.

Literally.

Can I please?

No.

Just not that.

No.

The food's amazing though.

You'd like the food.

I think you'd like the food.

Yeah, I love Thai food.

I went to Mumbai.

And that was Kancho.

That's a bad place.

I did that show all around India.

And we travelled through all the countryside.

All these little villages.

It was just crazy.

It was such an eye opener.

I'd love to go there.

But I'm just worried about the diarrhea and stuff like that.

You know, the Delhi Belly, they call it, don't they?

I didn't have that.

Food poisoning.

Food's great.

We were going through all these different villages

and setting up camp, riding through the desert sun.

Was it, desert?

On camels.

And every night the guys had set up the campsite

and make the most incredible food.

It was just phenomenal.

When I first turned up, I was like, oh my god, this is, you know,

shocked to the system.

I'm staying in a tent.

I've never been in a tent.

I've never been away from home.

And I was terrified.

And just by the end, I just absolutely loved it.

It was just the most incredible adventure.

With my mum as well.

Oh yeah, I remember me doing that church.

Yeah, that was cool.

It was fab.

It was like comparing a mother and daughter relationship

in the UK with, you know, it's like Indian travel and tribe.

It was like the entertainment.

All these villages who had no electricity.

It was just, it was nuts.

And every day I'd wake up and there'd be like a million kids outside

in my tent.

I'd be like, oh my god, like giving you gifts

and wanting to touch you.

And it was an incredible experience.

Amazing to do.

That's what I mean.

There's so much out there.

And I do think, you know, when the kids are young,

you don't really want to go to those bad places.

But logistically, you can't, really.

Yeah, you can't.

You know, the kids wouldn't enjoy it.

They wouldn't remember it.

You know, you'd be worried about, you know,

all like the Delhi belly or getting bitten by, you know,

our friends when traveling, they got bloody malaria and nearly died.

Go away.

Yeah, Karis.

Really?

Yeah, like so bad.

Freaking hell.

But there's something, you know, we've got friends,

we've got grown-up kids and they do all these amazing adventure holidays

in like a white water.

Is it white water after?

Yeah.

I've done that a few times.

All of that kind of, you know, trekking through rainforests,

you know, something I'd absolutely love to do with the kids.

Safaris.

That's a good...

I'd like to go to safari.

I'd quite like to go to Egypt.

You know, see the pyramids and stuff like that.

Seven wonders of the world.

Wollten die Fans hier?

No.

I don't.

No.

Look at the sharks.

Oh yeah?

Yeah.

You may went there and do you know what,

he said the most surprising thing was was the food.

He was like, I was not expecting Egyptian food to be that good.

And he said it was phenomenal.

What, is it like Greek food?

I don't know.

He's North Africa, isn't it?

So I don't know.

Middle Eastern vibes, maybe.

I would guys, a bit farer though, isn't it?

Hahaha.

Shit.

Bit farer.

You are.

What a Giza.

Yes.

What a Giza.

Pyramids of Giza.

All right, do you know what,

we ended up sort of talking about what we want to do.

Really there.

I thought we were going to,

because we were on hold there,

I thought we'd talk about our home and stuff like that,

but we've just gone on a map on there,

like talking about where we're going to go

and where we're going to live.

But I've enjoyed it.

No, I think it's, you know,

it's nice to have these kind of plans for the future.

And, you know, as you say, the world's huge

and there's so many things to explore and experience.

And, you know, it's actually quite exciting,

the thought of getting to do that one day, hopefully.

Do you know, like when the kids kind of move out

wherever they go off a little bit,

like what do the first one,

you go right, we've got two weeks to do something in mad.

Where are you going?

Well, I'd like to go where you want to go.

Yeah, obviously. Come with me.

All right, well, I'll just book it.

South America?

Yeah.

I'd love to see you trekking through the...

I've been really trekking.

I have, like...

For my princess.

Oh, shut up.

Hiya.

Get the salmons on.

Pete, when we were in Finland,

you know, I...

People might think I'm like a wuss

and I love getting stuck in.

I love putting all the walking gear on.

Don't mind a bit of mud.

Don't mind rain, cold.

I'm more adventurous.

Stop doing that yawn thing.

It's freaking me out.

Sorry.

Have you never done Laplands with the kids?

Yeah.

Was that good?

Well, we went to Lapland when it was off-season.

So, it wasn't Christmasy.

We went in August.

Santa wasn't in.

He's hibernating.

Santa was hibernating.

Remember, Santa told me he wasn't married to Miss Claus,

which blew my mind.

Santa gives Flamie into her.

They're just good friends.

We're not married, don't worry.

Honestly.

Him and Mrs. Claus are just friends.

Which I was like, what?

Bullshit.

Bullshit.

Why'd she go with Mrs. Claus, though?

Exactly.

Did you like Lapland?

When did you go?

What's off-season for Lapland?

Not Christmas.

Not December.

Are you talking about the Christmas Lapland Village

or just Lapland in general?

Lapland?

Where's Father Christmas list?

I've been to Lapland UK.

It's just phenomenal.

And it's only 30 minutes away.

Lovely.

Do you know what?

It is amazing for the kids to do their magical experiences

like Lapland UK

and the kids are like, oh my God.

I thought it was great.

It's magical.

The reindeer, the little baby huskies,

Santa, elves.

It's phenomenal, wasn't it?

Yeah.

When they did the elf workshop.

Yeah.

Kind of made the toys and stuff.

Yeah, it was fab.

And the Santa was unreal.

I'd love to do that and go on huskies,

you know, when they do the husky ride.

We did that.

Did you?

We did that in Finland.

Yeah, we did that.

I had a panic attack going up the hill

because it was like,

it was minus 26.

We were on these skadoos.

It was dark.

It was a storm.

And high altitude.

I literally couldn't breathe.

Do you remember that?

Yeah, I remember that.

Freaked out.

We jumped in an Icehole.

We were fishing on a frozen lake.

Wow.

We were jet skiing skadoos over frozen lakes.

It was just phenomenal, wasn't it?

Great trip.

Great trip.

Action packed.

Action packed.

Well, shall we get into the agony abs?

Let's get into the agony abs.

Okay.

Hey, Abby and Pete left the pond.

I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 10 months now.

And ever since we met,

she's had a severe case of dropping anything and everything.

For example, today on holiday,

she's managed to drop two cocktails,

two cocktails over me,

as well as my mobile phone out of a moving vehicle.

This is now turning into a daily occurrence.

She blames this on being disapresive.

Dispraxic.

Dispraxic.

What's dyspraxic?

It's like when you,

it's like dyslexia,

but like physically.

So like you clumsy.

Thought I was being dyslexic.

Reading that.

It's a clancy crouch trait to knock a drink over.

So our John does it.

Every restaurant we go to

and smashes a glass in every house.

Sophia is the worst, isn't she?

Yeah, even last night she knocked a drink over.

Sophia's got no social awareness.

It's coordination.

She's got no social or spatial awareness.

She literally walks over things, through things.

It's just unbelievable, isn't it?

What she does.

We go on to say she blames it on being dyspraxic.

Dispraxic.

But I just think she's the clumsy specimen

to ever grace the earth.

Do I end things now

before she ends up dropping my dead man's ashes

over my mum's new wool carpet?

Or should I stick it out to the full-time whistle?

Thanks, Jamie, from Bristol.

I think it's quite endearing, a little clumsiness.

What clumsiness?

But you can't dump someone for being clumsy, sure enough.

How she drops a mobile phone out of a moving vehicle.

I get that, because I've done that.

How?

You've done that?

I've done it.

How have you made that?

When you're filming out the window,

when you drop the phone,

luckily I had the thing around me wrist,

so it didn't drop on the floor.

Why would you film out of a window?

So when we were in Cape Town

and that lovely going up the mountain

and the incredible view of filming,

I nearly dropped my phone.

Oh, when you're in the limo.

If you were out of the sunroof,

it'd just fall straight down.

Oh, yeah, anyway.

I said, it's not damp at all, surely?

No.

It is annoying when you knock a drink over there.

I think we're all saying that,

because we're all dead clumsy.

I wouldn't chip someone for being clumsy.

In Restaurants, we are the worst.

At least one kid knocks one drink over every meal.

At least one drink goes over, yeah?

You just hope it doesn't smash.

Just lean over and just ding, ding, ding.

Yeah, if one goes down,

just pray it doesn't smash.

It always does smash, doesn't it?

Smashing.

I wouldn't dump someone for being clumsy, though.

I think it's harsh.

Yeah, come on.

Stick with it, Jamie.

Stick with it.

Do you want to read the next one?

Hey, guys.

Just catching up with the pod,

listening to friends with no benefits.

You're both talking about friend groups,

and it's made me email you both

to ask for your opinion, slash help.

Anyway, my best mate, who shall not be named,

went missing from a friend group for a year,

purely because he was single

and done a bit of travelling while everyone else in the group is married.

To our surprise, about three years ago,

he ended up meeting someone

and brought this person to his mum's funeral.

Weird way to be introduced, but whatever.

I never lost contact while he was away,

but he never once mentioned his girlfriend or meeting someone.

When coming back into the group,

we started doing things again altogether.

Anyway, to put it simply, his girlfriend is a twat.

Hahaha!

They have a two-year-old Anna.

Oh, that's a great place, that's a limit!

It's a great word, twat, isn't it?

You know where the story was going,

and it was just like, bang!

They have a two-year-old Anna house,

so it's definitely not a phase.

But as time has progressed,

she gets fucking worse.

Always explaining how much things cost

and how expensive life is,

but never has worked a day in a life.

He treats her baby like a catalogue model,

dressing her like an extra from Oliver,

and again, just all around piece of work.

He's recently proposed,

I've been asked to be his best man,

and my better half has been asked to be a bridesmaid.

We both accepted, obviously, two-faced bastards.

Hahaha!

Absolute twat!

I accepted, of course!

I'd love to!

Do I need to bring the twattiness

to my friend's attention

before the wedding and before it's too late,

although it probably already is too late?

I don't think they listen to the part.

Hopefully not, as the story's quite specific.

So on that note, any help will be amazing,

and non, and not from Liverpool.

So it's definitely from Liverpool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

I can tell you it's from Liverpool

with the use of the word twat.

It's one of our favourites.

Great word, is it?

Also,

um...

It's a common problem, isn't it?

Do you...

Oh, it's tough, right there.

If you're so close to them,

like, do you not say...

But have you said that to any of your friends?

Oh...

They're not...

They're not sweaty enough.

Well, the partners aren't, at least.

No, he's talking about the girlfriend.

It's a difficult...

It's a difficult one to bring up, isn't it?

Because if you love

your mate or your person,

or you don't want to hurt their feelings,

but you also don't want them to make a mistake.

But you know what?

Marriage is not the biggest commitment

in his scenario.

Having a child and a mortgage is.

Yeah.

Have you already got that?

Yeah.

Exactly.

Precisely.

Precisely.

Yeah, let him marry.

He's had it anyway.

It's a hard one, though.

You might appreciate the honesty, though,

even if he doesn't give a...

Yeah, but it's the mother of his...

It's the mother of his child.

You know, he wouldn't accept someone called a mate, would he?

No.

What would you do if one of your friends said to you,

I'd say I think you're wrong.

Or has that been said?

What's that said?

Yeah, but you probably wouldn't phrase it like that, would you?

You probably say like, look, are you sure she's...

What did you say?

I mean, once or twice.

You would probably say, are you sure about this?

You know, I love you as a mate.

I think you can do better.

You've got a baby that's not anything you can do now.

A baby that's dressed like an extra from Oliver.

What was that?

That's also a Scouts thing,

that kind of like old-fashioned, like the bonnets and the socks.

Like where they have the little boys dressed in like little dungarees

with a frilly collar.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's quite cute.

Next one.

So our friend group has a trip to Ibiza Books,

where our hotel rooms are free cancellation.

There's what?

Free cancellation policy.

If you cancel, you don't get charged.

Oh, that's good.

Okay.

One friend has decided no long wants to come

due to his new girlfriend, the absolute belt.

Why do these boys just get totally taken over by women?

I don't know, honestly.

I don't know.

Oh, that's what I'm saying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's that?

What is it?

Come on.

Put your hand in there.

Don't put your hand in there.

Don't put your hand in mine in there.

Don't like that.

Now open.

Open it. Open where?

Open your hands.

You know some of you've never seen that.

Never done that in my life.

Never. Why would I?

Well, I've just done the old

put your fingers together

and put them into kind of average fingers

and then open it.

And I just thought that it was common knowledge.

It's a vagina.

Well, it's not, is it?

It's not common knowledge.

I reckon it is.

I used to do here's the chapel, here's the steeple,

here's the baby.

Can I have a look?

What vagina, do you know?

That looks like that.

Weirdo.

Anyway.

Simple things.

Anyway.

Well, though rooms are free cancellation,

it leaves one of our friends roomless.

If we cancel the room, which is not on,

but the friend...

How does it leave someone roomless?

But the friend now, not coming,

is saying he is not paying

for half the room he committed to

and he expects us to fit the bill.

Thoughts.

Are we being unreasonable or is he?

If you had a better reason not to come,

I might be more willing to help,

but frankly it's a no from me.

Love the pod.

Jo and Hartfordshire.

I think you should always pay your way,

even if you pull out last minute.

Do you know what I mean?

Yes.

Agreed.

He said yes to it

and pulled out and that's going to cost them.

I appreciate plans change,

but when we have to change our plans

and we've committed to something, we'll still pay.

I think that's...

I do think you commit to something.

Even if you don't go,

you probably should pay.

Organise someone else to take your place

or something like that movie.

Yeah.

I agree.

I think it's only good manners, to be honest.

Agreed.

All right, we will agree on that.

Pay up.

So, you know, that's another therapy coach done.

It's nice to be back where we started.

In the sun.

Yeah, it is, yeah.

And like I say, it's been a year and all that.

If you are continuing to enjoy it,

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