The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett: Moment 119: How To Figure Out ANYTHING In Your Life: Marie Forleo

In the book, you talk about these, the three points of philosophy that...

Oh, the three rules.

The three rules.

Yeah.

The underpin this figure-outable mindset.

Yes.

What are those?

So rule number one is that all problems or dreams are figure-outable.

Rule number two, if a problem or a dream isn't figure-outable, it's a law of nature, right?

So death, maybe taxes.

Rule number three, you may not care enough to solve a particular dream or reach a particular

goal and that's okay.

Find something that you do care deeply about and go back to rule number one.

And what that does is it creates a container, a container for us as human beings to be

honest about what we care enough about to go figure it out.

Because in my life, there hasn't been one thing yet that I have truly wanted to either

understand, achieve, transform, do you know what I have some different relationship with?

That when it was true in my heart that I haven't been able to figure it out and if I don't

want to figure something out, like I can get real at myself, like I don't care enough

about this to go figure it out right now.

That's super important.

Yes.

Point number three.

It's the one we don't talk about.

Yeah.

Because we'll all have goals in our life that we think are important.

We think we want to do.

I want to become a DJ.

I want to start working out and get a six pack.

I want to be an artist.

They often don't happen and we end up thinking that they haven't happened because we are

an unmotivated person.

So we say, you know, we start being ourself, I'm unmotivated, I'm a failure, I'll just

keep trying at it.

We very rarely pause and go, do I actually want it?

And this is weird thing that I noticed, which I won't name the person, but they know who

they are because I know they're listening.

There's this weird thing that I observed, which taught me a really important lesson.

It's just sometimes like, we want to want something.

And the way that I describe that is like, we want to want something.

We want to have the motivation to do the thing.

We want to want it.

Yeah.

We want to want it.

We think we should want it.

Yes.

So we go around saying, we want it.

So like, I want to, I really want to go and lift weights.

I might say, Steven, I really want, you know, I'm saying to the world, I don't know, I

really want to go and lift weights, but it's because I want to be the type of person that

wants to be that, that wants that.

Yes.

So I go around saying it, but I don't actually want it.

I just want to want it.

Yes.

I had this same conversation with my best friend and we were laughing about this because I

have put so much pressure on myself at so many different points of my career because

I think I should want something.

Yeah.

And I'm like, but if I, okay, for example, I think you'll appreciate this because I think

you and I share a similar philosophy, perhaps, um, about social media, for example.

So I suck at social media, right?

I'm never on it.

I don't put any attention.

And I actually had a colleague of mine say to me like, Marie, you're so good at what

you do.

Like, why aren't your numbers bigger?

And it was like one of these, you know, like when someone makes a comment and you're like,

oh, that kind of feels like a punch in the gut and you're just like, Oh, I, I don't know.

And anyone who knows me, my friends and even my audience, they know, I'm like very transparent.

I'm like, I don't spend a lot of time on my phone.

Like I'd prefer to write books.

I create programs.

Like there's other things.

And then I, I just want to live my life.

Like I feel like I'm like, oh, there's like, oh, if I was really committed to being a change

maker, then I would be making videos.

I was like, what the hell is that philosophy?

Like I remember torturing myself.

I should want to want that.

Exactly.

But the truth is I don't.

Exactly.

And that's the hard part to admit.

Yes.

It's really hard part to admit that we just don't care enough.

We just don't want it.

It's someone else's.

It's someone else's.

And I think that just having this conversation, cause I would imagine there's folks listening

to us right now that think that they should want to want something and they don't.

And then what happens?

So, you know, I failed to go to the gym to get that six pack that I tell myself I want

or I failed to start that business because I don't really want to, but I want to want

to start it.

Yep.

And then I use excuses.

And the, the, the number one excuses, I just, I don't have the time because that's a cloaking

of, as you said earlier, that's a cloaking of your true priorities.

Yep.

It's a way of saying, so it's not my fault.

It's just a lack of time in the day.

There's only 24 hours, but really, as you've said, it's actually that the, how you use

your time as one of the clearest demonstrations of your actual priorities.

Of your values.

Yeah.

100%.

100%.

The way that I always like to keep myself honest about like what I want and to call myself

out on my own excuses.

This is the, the two word distinction that has helped me the most understanding the difference

between can't versus won't.

So anytime that I'm about to say, Oh, I can't do that.

I can't do this.

I can't get up earlier to work out to get those six packs.

I can't write my next book.

I just don't have the time for me, uh, learning Italian.

I can't learn Italian.

I have so much on my plate right now with my business.

So 99, not a hundred, 99% of the time when we human beings say can't, it's a euphemism

from won't.

And what does won't mean won't means we really don't want to.

We're not willing to make the sacrifice.

It's not that important to us right now.

And so I always encourage myself and other people to play with this.

Like anytime you're about to say the word can't try on won't or try on, that's not a

priority for me right now and see how your body feels going back to this body truth.

Something in me goes, you know what, I actually don't want to learn Italian right now.

You know why?

Cause in my free time, I'm watching the house of dragons.

I have to, you know what I mean?

I'm watching this show or that show or I'm hanging out with my friends or I'm doing this.

I'm doing something else where I could be dedicating that to my Italian studies, but

I'm not, you know, why?

Cause that is not my priority right now.

That is so much more honest and it's so much more freeing.

And then all of a sudden I'm not a bad person.

I'm not, not ambitious enough.

I'm just me.

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