The Therapy Crouch: Mischief Week

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You heard the lobster.

He was thin.

He said, I threw him out last week.

I said, why'd you throw him out?

He said, giving it all out, what are you?

I hope you're saving up for a rainy day because there's one coming your way very soon.

The wife wanted a dog.

I said no, so we compromised and got a puppy.

You see Love Island and all that, they all got really tight, kind of small shorts.

That doesn't work for me, either.

Do you do another whoop-whoop?

Absolutely not.

Hello, and welcome to The Therapy Crouch, for me, Peter Crouch.

And me, Abby Clancy.

A little bit aggressive towards the producer, I noticed there, at the start of the pod.

Diary management.

So, can I just say, Ross?

Yeah.

You're, why are you rubbing your hands together?

I'm so glad it's not me.

No, because it's like...

Although it was a part of me.

I am so busy, you know, I'm working, I've got four kids, I've got a husband,

I've got a puppy and a three-year-old dog.

So, when I'm on the phone to you for half an hour,

planning when we're going to record our podcast,

and you agree to it and then change it at the last minute, it really pisses me off.

I haven't changed anything without speaking to it.

Well, you have, because it's just not good enough, really.

So, he's actually...

There's lots of moving parts.

He's actually on a second strike.

Well, you know, what I noticed as well, isn't this, Diary?

There's a holiday planned for Ross tomorrow.

And John is in here today, so if Jay is stepped in kindly...

Hey, Jay.

Because John's gone on holiday, been on holiday, been to Rome.

We're obviously paying these suckers too much.

How dare they?

Did you ask, could you go on holiday?

Can I just say?

So, obviously, you don't regard this as a real job

because you're constantly making mistakes.

You know, you turn up late, you're booking holidays, left, right and centre.

You obviously don't regard this as a real job.

And, you know, that's probably because it's awful, because it's fun.

It's light-hearted.

You know, we're all having a laugh, we're all family.

But that doesn't give you the right to just book a holiday.

You need to write a letter to us.

It's formally...

Yeah.

Submit me time.

Exactly that.

Well, Jay, obviously, is his first record today.

But it's a meteoric rise, Jay.

I mean, these two clowns keep carrying on.

You're going to be heading up operations.

It's the last time you're uninvited, Jay.

So, yeah, Ross, what have you taken from that?

What have you learned?

I want to pass dieting management over to you, Abby, as your associate thought.

I do manage the fucking diary.

That's the point.

But no one listens.

No one listens to me.

Anyway, you're on your second strike.

What was the first strike for?

The first strike was the last holiday you went on.

Why was it a strike?

Because you did not.

Do you remember?

Yeah, it was like, where's Ross today?

On the holiday?

Another joint?

Hmm.

Unbelievable.

Anyway...

I hope you're saving up for a rainy day.

There's one coming your way very soon.

Gonna piss down.

I haven't said that.

It's all about joints.

You've been on one.

Leave me.

Like, holding the fort with the puppy that I didn't want.

Four children that I partially didn't want.

It was hard.

It was hard work.

But you had a good time.

A few episodes back,

I was talking about the Hendo.

I went on and I didn't want to, you know,

I know the bride, Holly, my best friend from school,

listens to the book.

I didn't want to give anything away,

but we've had the Hendo.

How are they?

So I popped my Hendo cherry.

That's the first Hendo I've ever been on.

Can you believe that?

I absolutely loved it.

The rest of the hens, not me, couldn't walk by 9.50.

I think I sent you a video where they were, like,

asleep at the table and everything at 9 p.m.

But it was an early start.

Yeah.

We got on the Yoro Star.

The rest of the girls came from Liverpool.

They got the flight there.

We all had our hen hoodies on.

Holly was very, very active.

She didn't want willy straws and masks of her husband to be.

And we wanted to keep it as classy as possible.

As classy as possible.

And then you turned off.

And then I turned off.

Some of the videos I saw didn't look classy.

I was like, I wouldn't say classy

for the words I described.

When you're going on a hen, you have to just be hens.

Yeah.

Be knobs.

No.

We had the best time.

We stayed in the most incredible apartment in the world.

No, we had the best time.

We stayed in the most incredible apartment.

Our PA, Claire.

Actually, Claire is so funny because I don't think anyone else

has PA talks and how Claire talks to us.

So Claire had helped me book the most incredible apartment.

Looked out the window.

The Eiffel Tower was right in front of us.

It was just incredible.

All that traditional Parisian architrave and the arched windows

and the original fireplaces.

It was just incredible.

So I asked Claire to help me get the room ready.

I wanted like pink chocolate covered strawberries.

I wanted the whole room filled in pink balloons.

Pink roses everywhere.

The room looked amazing.

Oh, it was amazing.

And Claire did it.

So I called to say thanks.

And she was like, if you ever fucking ask me

to do anything like this again, you can fuck off.

I don't think many.

And I was like, is that your PA?

I was like, yeah.

But sometimes I'll call that.

I'll call and go like, hey, Claire, let me just, you know,

get it straight.

Claire, she's one of a kind.

She's crazy.

There's not another person like her.

She just gets shit done and she can do anything, can't she?

Yeah, amazing.

She was actually away in Indonesia doing all this.

She was in like Indonesia on the race car thing,

which is she loves, she's into a race car things

and she was still managing to do all this thing.

I'm like, Claire, can you book us an Uber like in Paris?

And she's like, well, you're just fuck off.

She's like, I haven't got like, I don't know how to do Uber

or anything like that.

So I'm like, Claire, can you get me a driver in like five minutes

that fits eight of us in?

And it's there.

Do you know what I mean?

But she effing and blinded at me down the phone.

I called and she said, what?

What you want?

I'm like, but the girls couldn't believe that.

That's our PA talks to us.

But she gets stuff done.

She gets stuff done.

And there's no messing about and she's alleged.

So shout out to Claire who managed to arrange everything

for this Hendo.

It was amazing.

Yeah.

You know, I got, you know, all the, there was eight of us.

I got all little gift bags from space NK for the girls filled

with all amazing goodies.

Victoria's secrets pajamas.

We all had our little lace bunny ears.

We went to an incredible, I went in a pink limo,

which was hilarious.

We were all absolutely rotten by this point.

It was like five PM.

So one of the girls literally had an arse out the window,

pulling moonies out the window.

Like traffic was stopping just to look at her arse.

But I had a ball.

I laughed the whole weekend and Holly had the best time.

And it's just, you know, cause I'm not one for gaily holidays.

I've never been on one.

My gaily holidays are just like going with me,

mum and my sister.

So, you know, I think I'm going to be having a few more.

Are you?

Are you indeed?

Now I know why you like your golf trip so much.

Yeah, it's nice to just switch off.

I felt like I was mummy-hair.

Yeah.

Like one of the girls shed this most incredible dress on.

It was like a little sticky old thing.

And everywhere we went, she was just like walking through tables,

knocking everyone's drink over of every table.

And I was like, this is nine o'clock.

I was like, okay, okay, okay.

But we had the best time.

Great food, great drinks, great company.

And yeah, I can't wait for the next one.

Well, good.

Yeah, I'll talk about my weekend, shall I?

Yeah, I went to the immersive game box

and played a poor patrol game with all the kids,

which was amazing, I have to say.

So it's like, you're in like this booth

and it's like a projector and you have to do various things

with, you know, kind of...

VR headset.

It's almost like the headset on

and it sort of monitors where you move.

You could be a helicopter or, you know, a little dog or whatever.

It was great, actually.

It was on the south bank.

We did that.

Stayed in town with a bit of lunch

and then we went to see poor patrol too.

It was a poor patrol weekend.

And then we...

I realised it was a huge march in London

and we ended up right in the middle of it,

which wasn't great.

But then we got through that.

And then came out.

It was a lovely weekend.

I was a bit jealous because people planned

to stay in the Corinthians with the kids,

which is one of my favourite hotels in London.

And, you know, the breakfast...

I'm a hotel breakfast kind of girl.

I felt bad having the breakfast.

And you were calling me the whole time.

FaceTiming me with all the amazing things you had for breakfast.

And I was like, on the EuroStar with the Pret.

Starvin'.

Can't go over.

Can't go over.

Can't imagine as well.

No, because I was on my way there.

Oh, OK.

We went back to that restaurant.

Dovetail.

Was it Dovetail?

Yeah, that was it.

That was on the...

Dovetail on the Friday night and then stayed in the hotel.

I had the most amazing night.

The kids had the Nick of Bocca Glory.

It's literally my new favourite restaurant, like, obsessed.

And then I was so jealous that I was going,

you know, I had to leave at five in the morning.

And it was so weird, like, going down the corridor

and the pitch black with my case with all the hen stuff in.

You didn't even get up out of bed?

I did.

To say bye to me?

What was it, five in the morning?

Six in the morning.

Next five a.m.

Yeah, it was an early start for you, wasn't it?

Early start.

Listen, you know what?

I had a nice, wholesome weekend with the children.

I enjoyed it.

But that leads me on to my wine,

because when I was away for those two days,

Pete didn't call me once.

And I thought he'd be, like, checking up to see if I was OK,

number one, and, you know, maybe a little bit jealous or...

What were you doing?

He was trying to make me jealous.

I wasn't trying to make you jealous,

but I thought you'd be, like, worried about me.

And I'm like, oh, where are you?

What are you doing?

I was worried.

Were you playing a game?

Were you playing, like, hard to get?

No, no, no.

I was just, I was so busy.

Just playing Paw Patrol.

I was fucking being chased.

Literally.

Being chased.

But I wanted you to be, like, cool.

Let me say, I can't bear you being away from me.

I know.

I was texting you.

Obviously, we spoke loads.

Mainly, you know, you called me.

But I was, you know what it's like with the kids?

You barely get a second here.

And even when I do get a second,

the kids take my phone off me and playing games with it.

I was worried that because you had all the kids.

We were fine.

It was actually fine.

And, you know, they've got to a stage now

where I think I can kind of handle them on my own.

But, you know, don't do it too often,

because we all missed you.

We've already planned the reunion.

You know, when you go on a girls' trip

or a holiday in a group,

you kind of always plan the reunion,

like the day you come home.

We're like, we need to do it again.

So we've got the reunion.

You should do it again.

We're going to see Magic Mike.

Well, maybe not.

We're going to see Magic Mike,

because one of the girls is having a divorce party.

So we're going to celebrate it in Magic Mike,

and she's going to wear a wedding dress

and set it on fire at the end.

We're going to go to String Fellows that night as well.

Fill your boots, darling.

I'm going to set my fucking groom outfit on fire.

Oh, that's nice.

It's nice, isn't it?

Here's me supporting my friend on a divorce

and you're wanting to go to the strip club.

No, that's exactly what you're going to do.

You need to show him who the real you is.

Magic Mike is a strip show.

It's that same.

But it's different.

Why is it different?

Because girls aren't pair vets.

Men take their clothes off.

Girls are not pair vets.

In front of a load of women.

But girls aren't pair vets like men.

What? What?

Because they are.

No, we think...

They're not.

They are worse.

They're absolutely not.

They are, I reckon.

That magic Mike show, I could shallot to imagine.

I'll let you know if I can talk.

Big Mike.

I won't the rest of the week.

What else have you done?

Well, you had the first episode of your show.

It was really good.

I was so surprised that you liked it so much.

I really enjoyed it.

I think what it's went.

I was really nervous about it coming out

because it's a big deal for me having a show out

with my name on it.

Doing something I love.

I thought it was great.

The team, Salamander, Sally, shout out.

It's done an incredible job.

Big up, big up.

I actually feel a bit shy talking about it,

but we sat up and watched it

and Pete was gutted that we couldn't watch the whole series

in one go because you loved it, didn't you?

I didn't really enjoy it.

All the kids down watching it, it was great.

Yeah, they loved it, didn't they?

Yeah, really good.

Yeah, we were buzzing off it to be fair.

I think it was good to start with a fellow Scouser as well.

Yeah.

I think that kind of eased you into it a little bit.

Yeah, Heidi was great and her house was amazing

for the Ferrari and the...

And that was a chodey kid's house.

Yeah.

But we're going to Jodie's pub.

We're going to go and have a nice Sunday look.

Sounds great.

You love your pubs, don't you?

Yeah, and your pub grub.

I like the look of it.

I mean, it looks like I just want to have a beer

and curl up by the fire.

Don't leave that line in here.

It's not a line, it's a giraffe.

It's my favourite joke though.

Do you know that joke?

Yeah.

Do you know it?

Yeah, obviously, yeah.

It's a bell to that.

What about the lobster?

It's a bar, isn't it?

It gets bandied.

No.

You heard the lobster.

He walks in.

He said, I threw him out last week.

I said, why'd you throw him out?

He said, giving it all that.

It's not that funny.

Come in here, giving it all that.

You see the one where the fella comes in

with the pavement under his arm?

No.

He ordered two beers.

He said, I have one for me and one for the road.

We should have another dad joke episode.

We should do another dad joke episode.

Dad joke.

Yeah, I'd like our listeners to send us their dad jokes in.

Yeah, we should have like a dad joke segment, actually.

I want to put jokes in my notes, so I remember them.

You should do.

Every time you hear a joke, put it in your notes.

Yeah.

My dad's great at jokes.

Yeah, he's got a lot of them.

I just can't remember them.

That's the only joke I know.

Guy walks into a bar with a giraffe.

As a few drinks, goes to walk out and he goes,

you can't leave that lion there.

And he says, it's not a lion or giraffe.

That's the only joke I know.

And I don't know why.

That's a good one.

Or doctor, doctor.

And what?

I feel like, oh yeah.

I'm doing a knock, knock, knock.

I'm doing a knock, knock, mixed in.

There's a reason why you can't remember them.

Doctor, doctor.

I feel like a pair of curtains.

Put yourself together.

Shit jokes are the best, aren't they?

Why is there no drugs in the jungle?

I hate this joke.

Because of paracetamol.

I just think that's crap, that one.

You always tell that.

It's an absolute.

What did the cheese say in the mirror?

Halloumi.

Halloumi.

That's Lib's favourite joke, isn't it?

She loves that one.

So yeah, the show was out.

The book was out.

We've done loads of press.

You know, we were on the one show.

On the one show.

We were on This Morning.

Yeah, we did a few bits and pieces, didn't we?

That Capital Radio was a bit hairy.

Doing the old truth or dare or home truths.

What was that?

So we had to do this kind of little segment.

Oh, it's so funny.

So before, you know, they came on.

They were talking about this thing.

What's bigger?

Peter Crouch or a newborn giraffe?

So what would you say?

What's bigger?

Giraffe, giraffe, sure.

A newborn giraffe or me?

Giraffe.

A newborn.

Me. It was me.

Freakin' ill.

Yeah, we say freaking ill, right?

A newborn giraffe's six foot.

There's lots of people over six foot.

This whole, everyone in this...

It just sounds terrible, doesn't it?

I'm bigger than a giraffe.

Bigger than a newborn giraffe.

At any age.

I actually think that's cute, though.

But you know what?

Those giraffes are, like, massive.

I know it's ridiculous to say, but we went to the zoo.

I'd forget how big actually big giraffes are.

They are fucking huge.

Yeah, they are.

They're fully grown ones.

I love them.

I love giraffes.

There's a little giraffe in Longlea

that's got, like, a withered ear,

because its mum was licking its ear so much

and, like, licked it away.

Ur.

What do you mean, ur?

Just, like, the thoughts of that.

Too much kissing.

I like that.

They've got black tongues, haven't they?

Yeah, that's so they don't burn the tongues

when they're getting the trees.

Oh, is that one?

Mmm.

I don't know about that.

I know they can kick a...

You just Google that.

I know they can kick a lion's head off.

Can they?

One of the most powerful kids.

A lion's head off?

You've got the most powerful kids.

Can you just Google why giraffes got...

I think it's because they don't get sunburned

when they're eating the trees.

The darker colour is a result of extra melanin

that is present.

It helps prevent sunburns

and protects them.

Told you, I've got A star, everything.

The end of their tongue tends to be black

and maybe more pink or purple near the top

since that is the portion not as exposed to the sun.

Melanin acts as a sort of natural sunscreen.

Well, that's actually true,

because people with darker skin, olive skin,

they've got more melanin.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If they don't burn, unlike me, like pink,

white and pink and frackily,

burn alive.

Me and Scott.

Prickly.

Me and Scott with the factor one million on.

Books been good as well.

Yeah, yeah, it's gone great.

And thank you for, you know, everyone who bought it

because it's doing great.

Yeah, thanks everyone who's watched the show,

watched my Abbey Cransey Celebrity Homes

and bought the book.

We're feeling the love, aren't we?

Yeah.

And it's nice because it's, you know,

both things are from the heart

and something that we love and enjoy

and it's been quite scary having them out

and thinking, oh God, people are going to like them

and they do.

So, well in, la.

Being very well received.

Should we do another whoop, whoop.

Absolutely not.

I think I was doing that in the head.

Is that what it's coming for?

Oh, I'm in high spirits after that hen.

I think it was just what the doctor ordered.

A little bit of fun and laughter.

Laughter is the best tonic.

Certainly is.

Don't you think?

Exactly right.

I've been saying it for a long time.

So have you got wine for me?

Yeah, no, my weekly wine is the flooring

and the amount of flooring that we're,

and the options that we're going through

at the moment is just too many.

How many browns are there?

Like you're showing me different shades of brown

and they're just brown.

And I'm like, whatever you want, you can have.

No, so I found this company,

Kendall Quality Carpets,

and the up north are in Cheshire.

And they've got the most amazing woods.

And, you know, after doing this home show,

I want to make some improvements on the house.

You know, we've been here over nine years.

Things are looking a bit tired.

And, you know, I want the new floor.

So James has kindly been bringing all these samples down,

but it's hard to make a decision.

And there's just a tiny tone.

Half a shade.

This is my issue.

Half a shade can make all the difference.

Like one's too yellow, one's squirrel red.

The other one's beige.

Squirrel red.

Squirrel red.

I'm not joking.

Squirrel red is brown, right?

What was the other one you said?

I think there's too much yellow in this one.

I went too much yellow in the brown we're looking at.

They're all brown.

They're not, Pete.

Squirrel red.

No, that's not the technical name for it,

but that's the kind of tone it was throwing off.

Sure, that's red.

Some of the things you were saying.

No, it's not red.

It's brown.

It's wood.

They're all real woods.

But it's the tone.

It's, you know, some of them are treated with oils.

Some of them are from different parts of the tree.

Now, I can tell, they're obviously lovely floors.

Like, they're topsy-high quality, like top notch.

But it felt like, you know, how many shades of brown are there?

But it's a huge decision.

I'm doing the whole ground floor of the house,

minus the utility room, because in the utility room,

I'm going to do like a terracotta tile,

because of the dogs and, you know,

we'll be coming from walks with the muddy wellies,

you know, I think that would be more practical.

Now we've got four kids.

And you're getting a donkey.

And I'm getting a donkey, yeah.

Shut up, Ross.

So, but can I just say anything that I like,

you just have a goer, you know, the floor.

No, it's just what I'm saying is perhaps don't involve me in it.

It's a huge area.

I don't have a say in it anyway.

So don't involve me.

No, but I'd like your opinion,

because we've got to live with this floor.

Right.

And I don't want you go.

I like the brown.

I don't want you, you know, me and James making a decision

and laying the floor.

And then you're like, oh, this is too yellow.

Which does happen.

Does happen.

It's a vast, vast area.

It's ground floor.

It needs to be spot on.

So it takes time.

You have to live with the wood.

You have to put it in different areas of the house.

See what colour it, you know, when different lights hit it.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but.

We've got samples all over the kitchen at the moment, right?

So there's like, you know, next to the worktop,

there's one shade of, you know, there's probably, you know,

squirrel red.

And then by the door, there's, you know, taupe.

Near the back.

You know what I mean?

We've got charcoal broiled.

Well, you can, just to put it into, I said to our rust,

what do you think of that wood, Ross?

And Ross was like, it's obviously light in the wood

we've got down now.

And Ross was like, oh yeah.

Have you jet washed it?

No, I did not.

I'm like, no, it's a fucking sample.

Are you imbecile?

No, I did not.

He said, does that floor look lighter to you or not?

And I thought you were talking about outside.

I was right.

He said, oh, have you jet washed it?

And you went, no, you big dope.

I don't mind the taupe.

It's not taupe.

That is not taupe.

But no, you, I said to James when he came,

because also Mark, because I see the frame and guy,

I'm changing my frames on my pictures.

And you've got so much sound when you're like,

you're so busy, you're changing the frame.

She's going to be like, I've got so much to do all the time.

Get off your phone, she's got so much to do.

Changing frames and looking at rounds.

Marcus is, you know, there's framers and there's framers.

His frames are literally a work of art.

World framers.

But it's what I like.

It's what I like and I can do it for one who.

You can do what you like, babe.

You know what I mean?

As long as you're happy, that's the main thing.

I am happy.

You know, Christmas is coming up.

First, we've got Halloween.

You might have noticed a few little spooky treats

around the house.

I certainly have.

And I'm not talking about my face in the morning.

That's not true.

I've got my pumpkins outside the front door,

the kitchen's starting to, you know.

Did you order them floating candles, by the way?

I want to say yes.

I mean, no.

He's the only one with the Amazon account,

and I'll send him a link.

You said the little bit you sold out now.

You have not asked me to buy a candle.

The floating candles to put outside the front door.

I don't know what that is.

Please inform me straight off this podcast.

Anyway, I was talking to James and Marcus,

and they were like, they give me a good 45 minutes

on the floor discussion.

And I was like, it's so refreshing to have

like a creative man in the house.

Do you know what I mean?

I'm not a creative man.

That's the one thing I'm not bad at.

Creation.

Yeah, you're definitely good at creation.

We've got loads of them.

Yeah, exactly.

You know, you're just like, oh yeah, that one, middle one,

because you don't pay any attention, but they were like...

No, no.

I think for me, it's a 10 minute job, right?

You go into a floor place, you have a range of floors,

and you go, I like that one.

And then he goes, great, should we order that out?

And you go, yeah.

Yeah, but if you think, when I spoke to James...

It's not like a month long.

Because when I went on the Kendall Quality Carpets website,

the wood I chose from the picture, when it was in the house,

it was bright, it was yellow.

So you have to see it in situ.

But yeah, Marcus and James give me so much time,

and we come to a unanimous decision.

So you can't complain if you don't like it.

Okay.

Who do I blame? Marcus, James or you?

No one.

I'm sure it'd be lovely. Listen, the thing is,

I trust you in this department.

I just want it to be timeless and elegant and homely.

Okay.

That's what it'll be.

Do you want to cheers?

Let's cheers, babe.

So you're going to call me more?

Yeah.

Because, you know, I want to feel wanted still when I'm away.

Okay, but my only issue with that is that I do...

You know, you do call enough for the both of us.

So sometimes if I call on top of that,

I think we're going to never not speak.

But it'd be nice if you just call me and go,

I miss you so much.

Okay.

Well, I'm going to call you three times a day and say,

I miss you so much.

Can I have a voice note that, or do I have to call you?

Either.

Okay.

All right, we've sort that.

Don't leave me a voicemail.

And with the flooring, I'd love to be involved,

but I've got kind of a maximum of 10 minutes to do that

before I get bored.

Is that okay or not?

No, I think that's rude.

How long do you want before?

45?

No, I think, you know, in a relationship,

it's all about give and take.

Not too much give and take,

because if it's too much give and take, what's the point?

But if you notice that something is making

your other half happy, go with it.

So when I come home from golf,

can I discuss my scorecard with you?

No, because that's dull.

For 45 minutes.

Because that's dull.

No, because that's past tense.

Okay.

Shall I discuss how I'm going to play tomorrow?

Okay.

If you're talking about the golf thing,

you went for a golf lesson.

Pete was nearly crying,

because he had this golf date with James Madison.

And he was diabolical.

Humiliated.

Were you there, Ross?

Yeah, I know.

And he come home, like literally nearly in tears.

I've never seen him so upset.

So he's like, I think I'm just going to have to quit.

I'm going for a really difficult time at the moment.

I literally, it's like I've never played before.

I was just hitting balls.

I was just picking up every hole.

It was just embarrassing.

What do you mean picking up every hole?

Just picking up my ball.

Just like didn't even finish.

Just so bad.

I did have a big one night for.

I'm blaming that.

I had a lesson and it's better,

but it's still not correct.

Pete showed me this app that he's got,

or this video.

So he goes on these golf lessons

and they video each other.

It's Trackman, right?

So they, they, they film you from behind.

You can monitor absolutely everything.

All the numbers and all that.

I showed Ab for like,

bearing in mind, you know,

I'm doing 45 minutes on these floor chats.

She's three seconds in.

She's like, it's so boring.

Why are you even showing that?

But I was just talking about like when I go horse riding

and show you the video of me riding.

It's so nice because it's like a.

I love watching you ride.

Oh.

Here we go again.

No, I genuinely do watch,

like watching you horse ride.

I do.

I think it is.

It's beautiful to watch.

Yeah.

Genuinely.

I'm not joking.

So you can see the difference between you hunched over

like the hunchback in Notre Dame

with a stick in your hand from behind

with a man like putting you into place.

It's not the same.

Why?

There's a beauty in a correct swing

when you get it right.

There is a beauty in it.

Okay.

All right.

Well, you haven't resolved much there, but.

No, we have.

Because this is the whole point.

Okay.

What was your one?

Okay. Floors.

I am going to be more decisive.

I am going to make a decision

and I'm going to trust my gut.

And me and James will pick the perfect floor

for our house.

Brilliant.

And do you know what?

I'm going to call you and say I miss you

at least three times a day.

And I'm going to watch you horse ride.

Thanks.

With pleasure.

Right.

Let's get into all its wines.

Okay.

Please compete

through a clothes line for tall lads.

I'm going to change your life.

It's so hard to find clothes

for tall skinny teens.

Apart from two tall,

there are limited options.

Maybe even a line with them,

but something affordable.

Everyday teen and young lad clothes.

Yeah.

If anyone knows how hard it is

to dress as a tall teen,

it has to be Pete.

As a mum of nearly six foot,

not even 14 year old,

who is a skinny beanpole.

Six foot?

He's six foot, not 14 yet.

He's 30.

And he's six foot.

That's not that big, is it?

Yeah.

That's tall, yeah.

Yeah, he's going to be a lot taller,

isn't he?

As a mum of nearly six foot,

not even 14 year old,

who's a skinny beanpole,

a bit harsh.

It's getting harder to find stuff.

Thanks.

Love the pod.

Makes me probably laugh.

Yeah.

Well, I was going to suggest two tall.

For me,

I think it's a game changer.

It really is.

But the thing is...

I bought a load of trackies.

You haven't seen them yet.

You've been in Paris.

No, Sophia called me.

Oh, you're going to...

Sophia called me and said,

mum, you're not going to believe this.

Dad's bought himself some swimming trunks

from twotall.com.

She said you're not going to believe them.

I came in.

I came in.

It was so funny.

I came in and went,

babe, trunks.

Are you like a serial killer?

Why?

Ordering, like, swimming trunks for yourself.

Who does that?

You've got a whole drawer of swimming trunks.

Have you seen how long I've had to do swimming trunks?

I reckon about eight summers.

They've got holes.

All the netting has got...

No, I have to cut the net out for your chafage.

No, me too.

The wet net chafes you.

I cut them out.

I cut the net out.

Don't discuss my chafing on here, babe.

My chafing is private.

My little voice as well, Johnny and Jack.

I have to cut the net out of the trunks

because when they're wet and they're running around,

it, like, rubs the top of their leg.

Nothing worse than chafing.

Because you're in wet swimming trunks all day.

Yes, so that's why I put a spare pair in the bag

because once you get out of the pool,

I'll put a dry pair on them to avoid that.

But I cut the net out and I cut your net out,

but on the last holiday we went on,

I had no scissors, so I had to just, like,

stick my nails in it and rip it out.

I had all, like, holes in them stuff.

So that's why they're all, like, like that.

But no, I got you in the book

for when we went to the Maldives.

I got you and the boys all matching Vilbrequins.

You wait till you see these bad boys.

You are gonna, you are, honestly,

I'll be like, Daniel Craig coming out of the sea.

It's gonna, you're gonna go...

I don't know how I'll feel about a man

buying his own swimming trunks.

Why can't you buy your own swimming trunks?

Like, what is wrong with that?

It's weird.

What's weird?

There's barely a minute out there in buying your own swimming trunks.

But you must have had to type in trunks.

No, what I did was I wanted to buy some tracksuit bottoms,

but I thought, ah, I need some swimming trunks as well.

So I've got these tracksuit bottoms

that are gonna blow your mind.

They're like combat ones, unbelievable.

And then shorts, I've got some great shorts.

Shorts that are slightly longer than the average short.

They don't fit you. They're all the wrong size.

No, they're perfect. They're great.

They're great, honestly. I know that they're not.

Go on, carry on.

And then some swimming trunks as well.

Oh, they're just trunks.

What colour?

Well, one of them's a bit rogue,

but the other one's blue, navy blue.

But the other one's a bit...

It's like maroon.

Above or below?

No, they're above the knee.

Yeah, obviously, I can't have them like...

They're not like bored shorts.

I like a bored short on the right guy, though.

Yeah, well, that's the thing.

You're just thinking of a surf dude, you know what I mean?

But like, for me,

obviously, they need to be above the knee,

but they can't be like...

These lads are wearing hot pant ones now, aren't they?

Yeah, because they're called the, like, Love Island guys.

Yeah, you see Love Island and all that, right?

They've all got, like, really tight, kind of small shorts.

That doesn't work for me, honestly.

I'll be honest with you.

You need to do it. Who were we...

Who was the...

Sophia was laughing at the footballer.

I think it was Glenn Hoddle.

Yeah, Glenn Hoddle.

With the tiny shorts.

On the Beckham documentary.

We used to have the shirt hanging out,

so you had a pair of shorts on.

But he's showing the legs, isn't he?

Right, great legs.

Yeah, good legs.

What are you trying to say?

No, you have good legs.

I'm saying you actually could.

You actually could.

Wear a short, a short.

No, I could wear a...

I've reasoned to...

But not what I'm saying is, like,

a short, short for a normal human being

is, like, a joke for me.

So what I'm saying is,

because the fashion's kind of short for the swimming trunks,

I can't really...

I need a shorter one, but not...

It would be long for an average man.

Or did you just buy a pair of, like,

shell-suit bottoms and get them cut to shorts?

Well, you do laugh,

but you know that's what we do.

I've got a pair of 32 inside legs

that I've cut into shorts.

I don't think there's anything to be

shameful about that,

and that's a tip that we can give this mum.

You know, we do buy, like, a lot,

like, in the summer,

like a lot of, like, chinos or whatever,

pants and get them cut into shorts, repeat.

But one thing I've got to say about the likes

of kind of two-tall.com or Jack-O-Mau

or any kind of...

Oversized.

Oversized range.

It's like, you have to turn into the ultimate drip.

It's like, if you're wearing a two-tall outfit...

I don't think two-tall's that bad.

I think that's pretty good.

I think you still want to wear, like,

the latest trends and what average-sized people are wearing.

So why does it...

You know, number one, it goes triple the size.

Everyone thinks if you're tall,

you're triple the size waist.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

That's true.

I mean, she says, why don't you bring out a range?

And I'm up for that.

So, Dolce.

Gucci.

Gucci?

Gucci.

No, I think, like, an M&S.

Get in touch.

I'll do a range for you for the more disconcerting

taller gentleman.

You need to do a range with, like,

a family-friendly, well-known and trusted brand,

like an M&S, for example.

Mm-hmm.

You know.

A taller range.

All right.

Well, listen, I'll look into that.

If you're a young lad who wants to get in touch,

get in touch.

We'll have a chat...

I'll have a chat to him.

I don't know what about...

I'll just have a chat to him.

I feel like we need to stick together.

Yeah.

I was laying strides.

Oh, I've got another one here.

I've got another one here.

This is a belt on this.

This is sent from Amy Ross, this one.

Amy sent in...

It's a picture of a husband who looks devastated

and said, this made me think of you guys.

And the husband there is...

I see him.

He's holding a sign.

Let me just read the sign so you can watch.

He looks devastated.

He's holding a sign.

The wife wanted a dog.

I said no, so we compromised and got a puppy.

Oh.

Look at him, mate.

Gutted.

Oh.

Get in it.

Yeah.

We compromised and just got a dog anyway.

Get in it.

I don't know why we do it to ourselves.

The thing is, I was laughing this morning,

Pete going out for a walk with his carry in the little pup.

You absolutely love that dog now.

He's here, doesn't he?

Do you know what I mean?

It's like he's by far family.

I've taken him out on walks.

I'm trying to train him now.

God.

How's training going?

Soft.

It's going really well inside the house

and when we walk on our own, he keeps up.

He's brilliant.

He's incredible.

The recoil's not great, I'll be honest.

When whoever walked past, he just went up with them.

So it wasn't even dogs.

It's like humans.

He really likes humans.

So it literally, whoever walked past,

but then what killed me was a couple of women were jogging.

So they jogged past me and Ralph runs off with them.

So then I let him go and I thought, I come back.

I go, Ruffy, Ralph, Ralph, Ralph, Ralph.

Come back.

Not come back.

So now they're 300 yards away running.

He's running with them.

So I have had wellies on.

It was a bit muddy over in the forest.

So now I'm running in wellies.

Fenton.

Fenton.

Fenton.

Running after this dog.

And I'm like, that was not a great moment for me.

And then the women were obviously laughing at me

running in wellies.

Geoffrey's looking at me going, what are we doing, Dad?

What have you done to us?

This idiot.

This idiot.

What I've realised is Ralph's got no loyalty whatsoever.

That is not true.

He hasn't.

He's running off with anyone.

He's like 13, 14 weeks old.

He has, you went to a new forest today, to be honest.

Well, that's the first time.

A different forest.

It's the first time he's encountered so many people.

So if you think about, like, how many smells and, you know,

different stimulancies encountering all the people

that's busier there than our local forest.

And he's been doing well in the house.

He sleeps with Geoffrey now in the utility room at night.

So he's out the bed.

Yeah, it's going well, to be fair.

Him and Geoffrey love each other now.

He's very good at weeing on the wee mat and pooing on the wee mat.

That's good.

But poos and wees everywhere else as well.

Oh.

I've never known a dog shit so much in my life.

Really?

It's unreal.

When you were away, I'm not joking.

I reckon I must have picked up.

Over the course of the weekend, I reckon about 40 shits.

No way.

40, I'd say.

You think of a newborn baby?

Tiny little ones.

Every time they eat, they go the loo.

It's like a newborn baby.

Why, though?

Why did we do this?

Because he's gorgeous.

Because he's gorgeous.

Right, shall we get into this Halloween pod?

Right, so we're talking, this is the 24th of October today.

And it's the lead up to Halloween.

Are you having a wine at me?

No, not at all, no.

Because of our house decorations?

No, no.

I know you love it again.

You like Christmas.

You like all these kinds of festivities.

That's absolutely fine.

Now, what I'm saying is, like, Ross has told me in Liverpool, it's quite a big thing,

like, Mischief Week.

Like, you have a Mischief Week.

Like, Missy Night.

A Missy Night.

What the hell?

Talk to me about a Missy Night.

I think it's more of a boy thing, is it?

Yeah, probably.

Just go out and cause carnage.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a Missy Night to go out and like...

Is it a night before Halloween?

Night before Halloween, Missy Night.

It's kind of like a prank thing where they're like egg people and...

Toilet paper.

...throw flower and toilet paper.

You know, it's a bit of carnage.

I'm not condoning this.

I'm not condoning this behaviour.

But it's a bit of a thing in Liverpool, I think.

Is it?

Obviously, I've not heard of that.

What did you used to do then for Halloween?

No, we'd just go out like trick or treating, like normal people.

Has anyone ever done a trick?

Well, that's the whole point of Missy Night.

That's when you get the tricks out of the way and then on the tricks and then you just

go treating the next day.

Yeah, I don't think I've ever...

I remember throwing an egg in my neighbour's house once.

That was nothing to do with Halloween.

He took my ball.

I've never thrown it.

My ball went over the fence, but it kept going over quite a few times and he used

up a grumpy old man.

He was fuming about it.

And he kept my ball and he kept two or three balls and then I was out of balls.

I was no footballer.

I was only kid.

I obviously loved playing football.

So I went berserk just threw an egg in his ball.

Did you get caught?

It was so kind of like against...

Like I just wasn't that kid, you know what I mean?

I just wasn't that kid, but I lost the plot when he kept my ball.

I've never egged anyone.

I've egged a couple of you.

I know how close.

We got egged until she'd been shot.

She was sort of knitted and then she'd like that.

I've been shot!

I've been shot!

All the Matrix funds came out at every end to end up actually being egged.

It's eggs, quite hard.

It can be.

Yeah, it depends what part of the egg you get.

But yeah, I mean, you like Halloween, don't you?

I like Halloween.

It's good.

The kids love it.

I mean, when you all get dressed up and stuff, it is great, isn't it?

We do a great one on our road here.

We go out and do a bit of trick or treating the kids really well.

Neighbours who don't really just don't get involved, which I just find bizarre.

But there's lots of people like that, isn't there?

Yeah, but people, why?

People who don't get involved in Halloween.

It's just so miserable, isn't it?

You know, because if I was like...

If we were all around and kids came around, I think it's still part of it.

That's exactly what I'm saying.

Like, to see the kids like happy and smiles on the faces and, you know, it's for the kids.

Like, people who just don't get, like, scroogey grumps.

Like, I just think...

Don't answer the door.

Turn all the lights off and pretend not to be in on Halloween.

It's like you're in every night while you're not in tonight.

I go to town there on Halloween.

I love the decorations.

I think that's something about having the kids in the house, do you know what I mean?

Like, they just love it.

You know, Halloween, bonfire night, Christmas, Easter.

You know, we love a theme, don't we here?

When they're all running around, getting their, you know, getting their little sweets and all that.

You know, dressed like...

She's not all jacks dressed as a ghost or something.

You just paint your faces white and put some blood on, like, every year.

It's great fun.

I've bought an amazing dress.

You go for it as well, don't you?

I haven't gone slut ween.

No.

No, well, you don't want to go slut ween with the kids.

It's the ones who haven't got kids who are out and about at parties.

They're the ones going slut ween, aren't they?

So what are you going as?

I'm going as a leopard.

Scary leopard.

The scariest of animals.

Bloody hell.

Bloody hell.

I wouldn't be like...

I'd like to be in this room with one.

I'd be honest, yeah.

I just got this amazing leopard print dress.

And Sophie was like, oh, Mum, do you buy that for Halloween?

And I didn't.

But I will wear it for Halloween.

Yeah, nice.

OK.

I also...

I always go quite feline, don't I?

Yeah, you do, actually.

Yeah, you've been a cat for years.

It used to be a witch growing up.

My mum used to just put a bin bag over our heads.

Yeah.

What about that?

We've done that Thorpe Park Fright Night.

Oh, it does not look funnier than that.

We had a laugh there.

You remember Chrissie said to Pete's wife, one of my really good friends, love.

She was like vomiting at the whole time.

I was just saying...

I was just saying...

We went to Thorpe Park Fright Night.

And we were getting chased by...

But, you know, when you can't breathe, you can't run.

You can't breathe and laugh at it.

And she was like throwing up everywhere.

Then we went to the one...

Portugal.

Do you remember?

Is that Portugal?

It was in Portugal.

We went through the hell of it.

You were all like...

Hell.

We took the kids in there.

Do you remember?

And you know my silent laugh?

Yeah, yeah.

So Pete...

The kids were like...

They were falling over each other, right?

The kids were like that.

The guy had a chainsaw chasing us.

It was in this maze.

Inside this dark maze.

Inside...

But Pete fell over, so I was on top of him.

And then the kids were trying to like,

nuzzle in.

They were traumatising.

So I went down.

Like, I don't know how I went down.

It was a fellow with a chainsaw.

But where in the world we've got an eight-year-old and a...

No, but they were younger then.

So they must have been six and ten.

Yeah.

No, I'm four.

No, the boys didn't go in.

Yeah, Johnny went in.

Johnny went in if it was four.

We fell over.

I fell over.

Right, now I've gone.

Right, so I can't save anyone because that's on top of me.

But then the kids are so scared.

They get on top of Al, just to hold on.

So then I can't get up.

And the fellow with a chainsaw.

I was so scared.

Pete was leading the way and I had my arms round his waist

and my head like at the top of his bum, like at the back.

No one was looking and they were all on me.

And my eyes were closed because I just couldn't look.

And I was screaming.

Then Pete fell over.

It was like a full pile he had.

But then I think Johnny or Lib, wherever it was,

went back out because they were so scared.

They were hyperventilating.

And then it was dark and I didn't know where they were.

So then I have to go back in, but they're all on me.

We had to go out.

You know, they have the emergency exit.

So we burst out of there into broad daylight.

And the guys are like, it's okay.

And the kids are like, ah!

They were shooting themselves.

But like that was so intense, wasn't it?

There's nothing better than that.

No.

They got one farm again by us in Southport.

That's quite a good one.

Yeah.

I'm not sure about it, if I'm honest.

I don't think I want that kind of stress in my life.

I think it's good when you're a teenager,

but I wouldn't do it at this age.

I'm not sure if that's what you want.

No, I don't think so.

I really want to do this whole park one.

That's the heavy ass getting chased my age.

Yeah, but you get violent.

I've got like a punch to the rib,

because Pete's like trying to punch off these people.

And like got me and I'm like winded.

Can't breathe at my eyes closed, laughing and crying at the same time.

The kids are shitting themselves, right?

And every time they pop out and kind of fuck off me,

like kids are shitting themselves.

And obviously he's only trying to do his job,

but like I just try not to say just leave us alone.

They're in bits here.

He's trying to get out.

Do you remember when you bought that,

when we didn't have kids and we bought like outfits

and we were planning all day, like to get ready

and when the kids trick or treat,

we'd get all dressed up and scare the kids.

And we had it planned and we were waiting.

We were waiting for it to go dark

and we decorated all the front door.

We were waiting in for the kids to come

and the plan was Pete wouldn't answer the front door.

As I was entering the front door,

Pete would run round the back and scare the kids

in his creepy outfit.

And we couldn't wait, could we?

We were like so excited to do it and he did it

and the kids just went trick or treat,

trick or treat and just looked at him.

Literally been planned the whole day.

So I've got them, I'm going to do them.

Burst out and they went, right?

Got any sweets?

I felt like such a knob.

I took my mask off and all my makeup and that

and just sat and watched the footage.

I really want you to go as lurch.

Yeah, that's a good...

I've been a headless horseman before.

So I went to the pub with the lads a long time ago.

It was stupid.

I was at ports all the time.

We went to the local pub

and we all went in fancy dress for no reason really.

And I went as a headless horseman.

And the thing is, as a headless horseman,

obviously your head's here.

So that is six foot seven, right?

Because you're holding your head

and then you're obviously the costume is like...

Another foot taller.

...the thing on top and it's another foot taller.

So basically I'm a seven foot five headless horseman.

So number one, it was very scary.

And number two, I couldn't fit through any doors at all.

I mean, it's bad enough, just me.

But my head's here and then there's costumes above me.

Didn't think it through at all.

It was not convenient.

I just photo everything to that.

I think I have some photos somewhere.

Delta.

Do you remember when we lived in Hampstead?

And well, I'll be honest with you, up there,

like it's quite a lot of American people,

so they do it properly.

But we were going down and then obviously Tim Burton

and what's his wife called?

They split up now?

Yeah, they split up.

They hadn't bought a cartlet, so their house was there.

So can you imagine?

Nightmare before Christmas, obviously.

You know the nightmare before Christmas?

Yeah.

Came out 30 years ago.

I think I've ever seen it.

Like the other day.

Really?

I remember when that was such a huge phenomenon

coming out of that movie.

It was like the first of its kind.

And as a child, I was so excited to see it.

That was a great film.

It was 30 years ago.

That's amazing.

Don't you think that is insane?

Crazy.

Their house is phenomenal at Halloween, isn't it?

Oh my God.

Do you remember going into that?

So you was in Trick or Treat or whatever.

They set it up.

There was like a big kind of plasma screen in the garden,

like playing like these kind of like horror things on repeat.

Yeah.

Then you walk through it.

It was like walking into a movie set.

It had like all actors.

Coldrens with smoke coming out, actors, you know,

done up like that in, you know, a scary movie.

It was amazing.

You know, so visually epic.

It was like a walk through the garden.

It was amazing.

Yeah.

Like a haunted walk.

And every inch of it was decorated like beyond belief,

like a Hollywood blockbuster scary movie.

Kids were just like mesmerised.

Oh yeah.

That was always to be fair.

But yeah, they did it properly on that film.

Shit on Thor Park.

There's a place for all, I think.

There's a place for all.

I love Thor Park.

I can't wait to go.

We've got a whole box of fancy dress outfits.

Yeah.

What was that samurai you bought yourself?

Like, I get like, I've got like,

boxes from Amazon and open them.

They was like this terrible pair of like gladiator sandals.

And a samurai outfit.

What was that?

What was that for?

Late night activities.

It's going to come in as a gladiator.

I don't know.

I didn't order it.

You did?

Did I?

What I done?

I don't know.

Fun and games probably.

We used to have a prop box.

So when we had parties and stuff like that,

you'd just come in at a different man outfit.

Obviously the horse one was the scariest.

Chewbacca's great.

Chewbacca was a belter.

But all of a sudden,

someone would go to the toilet and come back as Chewbacca.

Laugh a minute in this house.

E.T. is a good one.

I used to be so scared of that.

So did I?

I couldn't watch it.

When he was down the man in the pavement,

when he was under here,

I wanted to play a game.

That's all.

That's E.T.

E.T. you're thinking of?

I'm not thinking of E.T.

Pennywise.

What are you saying?

E.T.

Stuff I said.

I thought he said I.T.

Who calls it I.T.?

There's something wrong with you.

I didn't think that.

I don't know why I said I thought it.

E.T. the little alien?

I know.

I'm not that scared of E.T.

I was terrified of E.T.

When he was running through the bushes,

I was like,

I watched that with Johnny the other day

and he shes himself.

He was like,

Dad's going to eat a drink.

Oh, shit bag.

It's also half-breaking E.T.

It's horrendous.

I think it's a great story for kids.

I don't know, just getting used to life

and how it is, I think.

There's a good lesson in there somewhere.

I don't know, maybe not.

E.T. though, it was harrowing.

I've never seen it.

I watched that when I was a kid.

It's when his little boat goes down.

It's raining heavily.

I know what you did last summer.

No, it's like the clown with the balloon.

There's this little boat

and it goes down the road in the rain

and then it goes down the drain

and then the little boy's like that

trying to find his little boat

goes down and he's trying to reach in like that

and then the clown face comes from underneath

and just grabs him.

Oh, my God.

Pennywise.

I've never seen that.

I'm not one for horror movies.

That haunted me.

I don't love them.

Especially not like sick ones.

Do you know what I mean?

I remember watching The Exorcist quite early as well.

Have you seen that?

Yeah.

That was heavy.

It was absolutely, I'd spin around.

Oh, yeah.

That's what you call me

when I'm pregnant.

No, it's the bedroom.

You know when she's stuck in the bedroom

and it's like that.

She's like, don't come in there.

The Exorcist, isn't it?

I reckon we do the party then.

I reckon we go all out,

get a few of our friends around, the kids,

you know, because I love dressing up.

And when I say that, you know,

I don't like slut weed.

You know, not on all women.

You can go for it if you like.

I'm going to go as a sexy it.

Just for you.

No, let's have a Halloween party.

You know, send us in some Halloween stories,

get in touch with what you're going to do.

I'd like some Halloween kind of party food tips.

Do you know what I mean?

I saw this little thing, these little cauldrons,

and they put, I think it was bacon powder.

Yeah.

Then they put plastic toys in it.

It was like worms or spiders or whatever.

And then a teaspoon of vinegar.

And it just, I don't think it was bacon powder.

No.

I can't remember.

I was thinking that'd be great to do for the kids.

You know, like the little cauldrons and...

Do you speak duck apple?

Do I duck apple signifies in Halloween?

I thought that was a bombing, I think, wasn't it?

Duck apple.

Like with bobbing for apples, when you bob for apples.

Yeah.

What do you call it?

Duck apple.

I think it's called duck apple.

That sounded like to me when I was younger.

Really?

You lot of mad, that one, yeah.

Duck apple.

Is it called duck apple?

Duck apple on bombing, though.

Performers, you know.

Yeah, I'd like some tips.

You know, we, I'd like to see, you know, if you could send us

in some pictures of your, you know, best attempts at...

Shall we get into the agony apps?

Yes.

Would you like to read one?

Yeah.

Please keep me in on.

Oh, I like it already.

How do I go about phasing out my boyfriend's friends,

girlfriends and wives?

They are bitchy, two-faced, and I just can't deal with it.

My partner says that their, his friends are the halves

and not our actual friends.

But how do I phase them out so I'm less involved

in this bitchy group?

Thanks for the advice.

As they say, please keep me in on.

Oh, that's hard.

Tough one, that, isn't it?

You know, like, bitchy group.

He's not on the worst than a bitchy group.

It's his mates.

It's like, wow, that's a nightmare, isn't it?

Yeah.

You know, they get the wrong girl.

That's so common, though.

My God.

It's so common.

It's such a blow.

Because then you're like, I can't really see you.

She could sabotage them.

Couldn't she?

Yeah, but there's so many.

It seems like she might be a new one into the group.

Yeah.

And then they're all being bitchy.

They're allowed to really enjoy and get together

and then they're being bitchy to her

and she's just on her own.

That's horrific, that, isn't it?

I've been there.

I've been there.

It's not good.

I feel like we're too old for all this nonsense, don't you?

Like bitchiness and he said she said...

It's a very female thing.

Which?

I feel like if I went out with your friends or whatever

and, you know, up in Liverpool

and I didn't know any of the lads,

I reckon I'd get on all right with them.

Yeah.

Well, that'll be you in the wedding next week.

That's what I mean, right?

So I'm not scared of going up there,

but I think if I took you to a wedding somewhere,

you know, the girl dynamic couldn't sometimes do that.

I think it's more likely to happen in a girl...

I'm very conscious of that.

Things like that.

I always include people and make new people in the group feel comfortable.

You do?

You do, yeah.

Like, it's...

It's horrible.

Because I've had it done to me so many times,

I make a conscious effort to treat everybody equally,

make everyone fit.

Like, because Ellie didn't know any of them girls

were on the hen-doom, her sister.

She didn't know any of the girls at the hen-doom

and we had an amazing time.

And everyone was all together.

She obviously knows Holly and her sister,

but the other girls, she didn't know.

And everyone was just fantastic with her,

but there's nothing worse.

And, you know, they kind of forced friendship groups, aren't they,

when your friends, their partners,

and I think yet there is normally more of an issue

with the girls side of things.

Yeah, yeah.

It's not a nice place to be.

What does she do?

How do I phase them out so I'm less involved?

Just stop telling them to things.

Do you know what? They're assholes.

Go on your own.

Yeah, but that's also hard to do,

especially if you're in a new relationship and you're young.

Yeah, I wouldn't have felt comfortable doing that.

Obviously, if I was in that situation,

I wouldn't feel comfortable letting you go out with all your mates

and all their girlfriends without me.

No.

No, you wouldn't enjoy it,

but he's going to want to see his mates, isn't he?

Yeah, maybe you should just say let's,

you know, less of the group stuff.

You go out with your mates and stuff.

Life's too short for a gang of bitches.

Yeah, it's not going to get any better, is it?

Yeah, agreed.

All right, hey, abs.

Love you and the podcast.

Pete's okay too.

I've been with my partner for almost seven years.

We have a house and a dog,

plus my little girl from a previous relationship.

The last couple of years,

I've come to realise I want to get married.

However, my partner is dead set against it.

He doesn't see the point in it all.

I sat him down and told him how I felt,

and he was adamant it's still a no.

I'm 32, I love him, but I just don't know what to do.

What happens when I get to 40, 50 and still not married?

Do I leave in the hopes of finding someone

who does want to marry me, or do I just deal with it?

He's assured me he doesn't want,

he doesn't ever want to marry anyone.

That isn't just me.

It's really starting to get me down.

I struggle with everyone around me getting engaged and married,

plus always getting asked when we are.

Thank you.

Why is the obsession with marriage in this day and age?

I do get it, and I know girls want to feel special

and have that day, but I don't think it's to be or an end

or these days, I think...

But I think that's a thing when you...

That's like a kind of hindsighty kind of thing.

That's something that comes with age.

When you're young, you go,

I want the husband, the kids.

I don't hold it against anyone.

The happy ever after.

I know plenty of people.

I wish we weren't married.

I'd like to do it now.

You know, that rush to get married when you're young.

Yeah, silly isn't it?

I kind of, looking back, I wouldn't have rushed it then

because you kind of grow together and you become a lot different people.

But things are less important.

The important things are more important as you get older.

Yeah.

And when you're younger, there's a lot more emphasis on things

that aren't that important, but seem it at the time.

Does that make sense?

Yeah.

When you look at things like,

you have to get married before you have a baby.

I don't think that's the case these days.

But some people...

Yeah, but that's not a good thing, Pete.

Why?

If you're really strong and bonded together,

you don't need to get married to cement that.

Well, the argument could that could be

if you are super strong and bonded together

and don't want to leave each other.

Well, why wouldn't you do it then to make the other person happy?

Yeah, but what if you haven't bought your house yet?

There's so many more important things.

I get... Matt, we're married and I wanted to do that, but...

Did you?

Did you?

I half wanted to do that.

What I'm saying is you don't have to be married, I don't think.

I think there's just something sentimental about being married

and making the vows to each other in sickness and health,

riches and poor, death to us, blah, blah, blah.

It's a nice concept.

It's a nice concept.

But why would you give up?

You wouldn't give up the person of your dreams that you love

because he didn't marry you.

No, but you would feel if it's so important to me and you love me,

why won't you do it?

Yeah, I get that side of it as well.

That's what I think.

I think if she really loves this guy,

don't leave him because he won't marry you.

That's what I mean.

I don't think you should lose a great relationship.

Because you could get married to a knobhead, like a Divi,

and then you could be miserable,

or you could stay with somebody who doesn't want to get married,

but you're soulmate.

Just signing a piece of paper is not going to change that.

There's exactly one point.

It's like some people may have come from a failed marriage,

or I feel like in a relationship,

it's usually someone who's been married before

who doesn't want to get married.

Or the parents of the bad divorce or something like that.

So there's some kind of stigma around it?

If something happens to us,

I wouldn't get married again.

Did you write you wouldn't?

Why?

Because I'd make it impossible.

I'll be in bars with my handbag.

Set the chair, Shampire.

Do you know what she said to me once?

She said, if I died,

would you get another girlfriend?

This was a conversation where I said,

no idea.

No, because you know the people who go like,

if I die, I want you to meet someone and be happy.

I'm like, I don't want you to be happy.

I want you to cry every day because you miss me.

She said, when I'm dead,

I would come back and haunt the shit out of you.

And if you got with someone,

I would haunt her every day.

Unbelievable.

She wouldn't like to see me happy.

No.

Absolutely not.

Not until you met me in heaven.

No, absolutely not.

So if you died, would you want me to...

Because earlier I quite liked that.

Would you want me to meet someone else?

No, absolutely not, no.

Well, there you go.

If I died, I would want you to be happy.

And if that was you being happy with someone else,

then I would come and haunt the shit out of you.

Good.

Cassane, you want me to be happy

as basically saying you don't want to be with me?

I'd come and tamper with your brakes and everything.

Every time he walked up the stairs,

I'd be like, boo.

I think this is a tough one.

So harsh.

I just think don't let go of a good thing for...

But do you think it's easy for us to say

like marriage isn't that important because we're happy?

I know people who are desperate to get married and engaged

and I'm like, you haven't even got a house yet.

It's such a waste of money in that sense.

Sort your life out.

Maybe just get engaged, get a house together,

make your life and don't rush to that

because we only had Sophia when we got married

and when we renewed our vows,

having all the kids there was amazing.

It's a bit like...

It's a nice thing to...

Like our Carl and Natalie,

they've got 20-year-old kids.

They've been together the whole lives

and they're only getting married in 2025.

What a lovely time to do it as well.

All your kids can be there.

Everyone can be there.

They're like, that's lovely to them

but haven't got married.

But they are.

It's a nice thing to look forward to.

So once you've done that, it's boring then.

Once you've done it, you're fine.

All right, let's move on.

Hi, both.

Why is it that whenever I go on a girls' weekend

or trip with work,

my husband doesn't step up

and help out with the stuff I usually do.

Last weekend, I went away with my besties

and before I went, my husband asked

when I was going to do the shopping

as I usually do on a Saturday or Sunday morning.

I said that I wouldn't be doing the shopping

because I'll be away

and his response was,

well, I'm not doing it.

I hate food shopping.

Like I love it

and can't wait to do it every weekend.

So the food shopping didn't get done

and he and the kids just ate mad combos

of stuff left in the cupboards and fridge.

I had to do the shopping the day after I got back

after a full day's work,

even though he had the whole weekend off

and he works from home.

So he could go and get a few bits in a day.

What's that all about?

And on, north Wales.

Okay, so I get this.

So I was going to my hen do, hen weekend.

We stayed in the hotel on the Friday night.

So I put all the clothes out for Peter, for the kids,

outfits, socks, underpants, shoes for every child

and packed all the dates up and put it away.

And I don't mind doing that

because I think a man or,

sorry, I don't want to generalise,

but you couldn't cope with that

and you'd end up leaving all their clothes

in the hotel.

They'd have no undies on under their clothes.

Like Pete, I remember Pete taking the kids out once

and sent me a photograph

and they had a vest on.

Like Liberty had a vest.

Like an underwear vest.

And I was like, what the hell?

So I don't mind doing that,

but maybe it's because I'm a bit of a control freak

and like to be organised,

but I also like to make your life easier

because I know you physically cannot do anything like that.

What the hell?

We're trying to help other people look character assassinate.

Physically can't feed or close your own children.

Physically can't do it.

Incapable.

We'd be fine.

I'll be honest,

but I appreciate you packing the bags

and I was glad you did,

but we would have been fine.

No, in the food shop,

because there's not underwear,

so you're like, oh God, there's nothing in to eat.

But it would be nice

if you were that forward thinking,

but it doesn't grate on me at all.

This sounds like they've got a deeper issue.

I am capable of doing this stuff.

Maybe, you know,

if you want to pack the bags

and you want to do this stuff,

I really appreciated what you did

and it was great when we got off and we had that.

But I am capable of it.

Okay, well next time I won't do it, we'll see.

No, no, no, no.

That's fine if you can do it then.

I said I am capable,

but I don't want to,

and I'd really like you to do it.

I feel like there's a deeper issue here.

Like what?

Will she say it?

You don't want to help each other?

Relax can stand off.

I think it feels like,

if you're going away,

I'm not doing it.

It's like one of those.

You want to go and have a good time?

Go, but I'm not doing any food shopping.

That kind of thing.

It's one that's like an argument.

Tiff it up.

It feels that way, doesn't it?

It's like he's punishing her for going away.

Like you do with my golf trips.

And do I ever do that?

So if I say I'm going away,

you'll punish me that entire week.

No, I don't.

I actually don't care if you go on them.

Is that true?

Okay.

No, that's just got a taste for the head, this.

I don't actually care if you go away.

Magic May.

Magic May.

How many of us dances that?

Magic Mike.

Magic Mike.

Magic Mike.

I'll never do that again.

You can read this one.

Hi, Agony Ab.

I'm Pete.

I wanted some help regarding my husband's V pillow.

Oh God.

Do you know what a V pillow is?

No.

You know, then pregnancy pillows that I used to have them.

I put it between your legs.

Yeah, put it between your leg and like lean on.

Yeah.

So I wanted some help regarding my husband's V pillow.

My husband's got one.

Yeah.

You know the ones that are boomerang shaped and fucking vile.

Quite frankly, it gives me the ick and I feel like it's quite literally driving a wedge

between us.

He uses it to get comfortable to go to sleep.

And when he gets bedded down with it, he basically is basically flossing his arse with it.

The only way it could get more disgusting is the inevitable discovery of skin marks on

it.

Oh my God.

No.

It goes out saying that once, it goes out saying that once this thing's in the way, there's

no way the bonk beats are getting fired up.

And just add insult to injury.

It makes dressing the bed with this monstrosity in the mix an impossibility.

Something I'm sure Ab will agree is an unacceptable compromise.

I'm hoping that you read this out so he hears it and either realises it's him or at least

help pathetic it is for a 33 year old man to have an intimate relationship with a pillow.

Please advise on what I can do to get this monstrosity out of my life.

Iona.

Totally unacceptable, I think.

I bought a V shaped pregnancy pillow.

Oh, I used to love them though.

I know what you mean.

It probably is comfortable.

Sometimes you put the quilt in there and you kind of like that.

I put the quilt in between my legs.

If he's got it on the bed.

Yeah, but it means he's not snuggling hair.

If he's snuggling this.

And there's a skitter on it.

No, there isn't.

You said there's a skitter.

No, she said there will be one day because he's literally flossing his arse.

Shit.

Imagine you had the V pillow and it was like Brand's Hatch.

It was what?

Skidbox.

Go on, say anything.

Like Silverstone.

No, that's not acceptable, baby.

You can't have a V pillow like I don't think.

No, no way.

Unless you've got an injury.

I totally understand.

Like sciatica or you're pregnant.

You could just hug a normal pillow.

You don't need one of them, do you?

But where did he get it from?

The Faisley?

Moms and Pappas.

Yeah, it must have been hairs.

Moms and Pappas.

They are comfy though.

I have a little go at yours.

They are good.

But I like snuggling you.

Yeah.

Well, you know, I'd prefer that.

Like, I just don't think that, especially as a man,

that's acceptable.

No.

Unfortunately.

I want to move to times, but unfortunately, not for me, that one.

Why do you think it's not very manly?

I think there's so much wrong with it.

I'd rather have a snuggle, my girlfriend's V-shaped pillow to be honest with you.

But that's only probably like the fleece dressing-own for you.

I don't wear a fleece dressing-own.

No, I do.

Oh, right.

You know, that's not ideal.

In Paris, we went to this show called The Crazy Horse.

And the girls are just unbelievable.

Like mannequins and sexy as anything.

They're the most incredible show.

And they've literally got basically nothing on.

But with lights covering the whole body.

Yeah.

And they were so hot.

And me and the girls were like, oh my God.

I was like, I'm literally going to throw the fleece dressing-own out.

I look like a slob again after seeing these.

But I just can't do it.

Well, you literally came home with the fleece dressing-own straight-on.

I know.

But I know why they're called house coats.

No.

I put them on over my clothes.

But that must give you the egg.

It's not something that I love.

Yeah, but you know what's under it.

So you should be something ungrateful.

I was to see that every now and then.

You need something spoiled.

No, what I'm saying is it's like having a Ferrari

and giving it parts in the garage.

Literally, like, you know, like you go, I've got a Ferrari.

Where?

I can't see it.

Every now and then you take it for a fucking drive, don't you?

You've been lying around with the boys too long.

Love this Ferrari.

I'm saying.

But I don't wear it in bed.

I only wear it around the house.

I'm not going to be walking around the house naked, am I?

Well, that would be nice.

It should be fine, I think.

So, any advice?

I'm not expecting you to walk around the house naked, but, you know...

Why is it always the girl who has to make an effort?

What about you?

I'm quite comfortable.

I walk around naked.

If you want me to walk around naked, I'll walk around naked.

I don't want you to walk around naked.

If you said to me, Pete, I want you to walk around naked, I would do it.

If you... I would...

I'd walk around in whatever you want to be.

Whatever you want to be.

Genuinely, if you said, Pete, I want you to walk around like a gladiator.

Pete walks around the...

Some of the outfits you put on in this house, like, them pajama bottoms,

which are so saggy on the crotch.

And the bum, like, worn out.

Like, with...

That are too short.

Calvin's, then?

Then with them...

They're all too short.

And then you wear, like, a big kind of a hike and sock,

and an on, a chewed on.

And then a coat.

And then you just think...

No, it's not just me. It looks like shit in the house.

You don't look like shit. You look gorgeous.

I didn't say you look like shit.

You look gorgeous.

What I'm saying is, it's like...

It's kind of, like, it'd be nice to see...

See what's under there sometimes.

You can't have more than that.

You can't have more than that.

Can I not?

You've been a good boy tonight.

Detch your luck.

You're getting punished tonight. Put the pajamas on.

Literally.

All right, well, listen, do you know what?

Really enjoy today's pod. Halloween's coming.

Looking forward to it.

Ooh!

I reckon we dress up for next week's app.

Agreed.

Slut wean, here we come.

What would you go if you were a male slut?

That's a slut wean.

A male slut?

What would you go as?

What do you mean?

What's a slut wean, man, vibes?

What would, like, Joel Curry go as?

Joel Curry!

Cos I reckon he'd be, like, you know, six pack out.

Yeah, like, what about, like, a Spartan?

Ooh.

You know, like, 300.

Like a Spartan.

Yeah, I like that.

That's the kind of thing, like.

Well, what about, like, that bondage gear, Jordan?

Rooting about one term.

You know, harness.

Like a little, cuddling little gimp.

Yeah!

I don't want it.

You know, you could take me, like, for a walk, you know,

like, in pervettes, do.

You could, with your high heels on.

Stamping in my face.

Oh, don't. Please, no.

Safe words, what's a safe word?

Arm again, arm again!

No.

Some pervettes out there, aren't there?

Yeah.

Stay safe, kids.

No, we've got...

Enjoy today.

I think we should know we are dressing up.

We're not going to go slut, slut wean.

And again, I just want to say a huge thank you

for everyone who's bought our book.

Everyone who pre-ordered the book

and who are going to buy the book still.

And, yeah, thanks for watching my show.

Also, it means a lot.

Thank you.

See you next week.

Bye.

Yeah, because every week we get to sit down face to face,

talk to each other about marriage, family, mental health,

or just anything that we want to know more about.

Sometimes we have expert interviews, sometimes it's just us,

but our goal is to bring some joy and laughter

into your life every week.

Our other goal is that maybe you will learn something as well.

Right, so search the Holderness Family podcast

and check out our most recent episodes.

We have one about staying organized with creators of the Home Edit.

And one about being diagnosed with ADHD as an adult.

We hope you'll join us.

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