The Therapy Crouch: Love Thy House

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Hello and welcome to The Therapy Crouch at me, Abby Clancy.

Me, Peter Crouch.

We're back for another week.

Another week of fun and brilliance.

So you've dressed as Erling Harland today.

From one icon to another.

That's three tiles of bedlock.

Is this all the rage now on a pajama look?

This is my friend's brand.

I like it. It looks cool.

But it doesn't help that it's 91 million degrees in here.

Yeah. Now you look good. Is this fashionable, is it now?

Says you in the fucking teenager's Gucci shirt.

Gucci shirt.

It's Gucci, darling.

It is, you know, it's just like it's cool lounge wear.

No, I like it.

Can I go out with my nice little...

My collection of Adidas trainers has come on so good now.

Yeah.

Little red band, aren't you?

Is this kind of a midlife crisis, a female midlife crisis?

Because men get a lot of grief at midlife crisis.

Are you going for the Adidas trainers?

Five.

Well, I just thought they were like practical, but still.

Cool as fuck.

That's you all over it, babe.

So R. M. John's Dog, Zeta Solomon's.

R. A. P. R. A. P.

No, what a shame.

R. A. Poo.

You know, I bought you a pair of slip-on.

Solomon's John.

Red.

Oh, that sounds nice.

Have you got a heel on them or not?

A heel?

Is it like a trainee or what?

No, it's backless.

It's a little backless number.

Don't have to be much used to them hiking up and out and having...

Well, I was going to go for the hiking boot option.

You know, the backless, what is that?

Backless, like a kind of crock, a Solomon crock.

God, they sound awful.

I bought myself a pair of ons for the gym.

Ons are starting to be very...

Because...

What's wrong with them?

I got my ons on and Sophia went lame.

And I was like, what?

She hasn't got a clue.

I know.

She's not a clue, boys.

Stupid bitch.

It's because she went broad off and the mainstream's a crocky.

They're good. I've got the dog walking ones.

I like that.

Like all weather.

When I was on the bike today in the gym,

I felt like I was on a cloud bike, you know.

Of what?

With the cushion in the trainer.

Yeah, the cushion was great, which is perfect for me.

My bunions.

Bunions.

So how's your week been, Honeybun?

It's been good.

I've been quite kind of relaxed this week.

I don't know, you've been kind of like hell for leather working, haven't you?

But I've been kind of in the house, taking the kids to school,

walking the dog, playing a bit of golf.

I've really enjoyed my week.

So are you enjoying the kind of house husband vibes?

Yeah, yeah.

Because the kids are back at school now.

It's like...

I'm me, though.

Home alone.

Quite a lovely thing.

Yeah, a bit of me time, you know.

After a long time, it's like what you need, isn't it?

I think that's what I've done.

I feel guilty because you're out.

How do you feel about me, you know, not being available to you?

Going out to earn the peas.

Oh my God, Top Boys started.

Pete.

All over it.

We are going to bed early tonight, brother.

Yeah.

I'm a big fan of it in all of it.

Oh, God.

You know, when Top Boy ended, we were like, what on earth are we going to do?

Where's all our mates gone?

We were fully immersed in Top Boy, weren't we, Pete?

We were all over it, yeah, so looking forward to that.

Oh, I'm delighted that's back on.

Yes.

Sorry, that just came into my head.

No problem.

But, you know, I've been leaving at like 5.30 in the morning.

So you've got this new show you're doing, right?

And ironically, we're talking about kind of like doing up your house

and interior design today.

And how have you found it?

And whose houses have you been around?

Well, the show's been an incredible insight into people's lives and their houses.

But, you know, I am so passionate about interiors.

You know, I love my house.

I love things to be gorgeous.

I'm so interested in interior design.

And, you know, but what has really struck me about doing this series is

it's actually the people have actually become more fond of than the houses.

You know, you learn so much from a person just from going in the house

and, you know, some incredible stories like rags to riches or, you know,

how people perceive their homes.

And, you know, one of the girls described their house as a hug in a house.

You know, it was, you know, a hectic, busy career.

And, you know, when they come home, they just want to feel hugged by the home,

which I thought was a lovely sentiment.

And another girl, I've worked with Lorna Lux, who was, you know,

she's an influencer.

She's got over like 2 million followers.

She was an air hostess a couple of years ago, and now she's a multi-millionaire

living in this unbelievable house, super modern, concrete.

Like, it's just a story's phenomenal.

And, you know, her husband, John, who was just fabulous, has currently got bowel cancer.

And, you know, he was diagnosed just, you know, in the midst of all of the house move.

And they were panicking about it, but it's been a real tonic for them moving.

You know, they've upsticks, they've moved to a completely different area.

And they're in the house of their dreams.

And, oh, my, oh, my God, it was, because I don't like modern interiors, do I?

Is that what it was, it wasn't?

Oh, my God, supermodel, industrial, concrete, metal, very masculine house.

And, but it was also so homely and gaily, because Lorna's into her makeup, her fashion.

So, you know, it was just an incredible mix.

And it's just been so interesting.

But now I'm like, I want to knock my house down and build my dream house.

Because I'm like going into these houses and pinching ideas from everyone and going,

oh, my God, I love the way she's done that.

I love the way that she's done that.

So we're doing a few home improvements.

OK, I look forward to that.

Pizza kind of guy who thinks you come into your house, you put your couch in,

you put your beds in, job done.

You don't have to touch it for the rest of your life.

But, you know, things need maintaining.

No, I've got, I've got around that now.

Like I do like, I like it to look good.

You know, I like it to look good.

Your feng shui, you're a bit more into your feng shui.

I'm a bit more into it now, like, you know, I've grown up, if you like,

and your tastes become a bit more refined and...

Well, our new bed is...

Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's actually brings me nicely to our weekly wine.

What do you mean?

Um...

I haven't eaten in the bed.

No, it's not about eating in the bed.

I'm not a fan of eating in the bed.

I don't eat like a roast dinner in the bed, you know,

but I do like my...

Team Bikis.

Team Bikis or my Victoria's Punch.

Yeah, and it's like she eats them on my side.

So it's the crumbs are on my side.

But that isn't actually my weekly wine.

Because of your collaboration with Vice Spring, right,

we've got this mattress, which is actually unbelievable, like,

because we were in a bit of a...

No, when you say you've died and gone to heaven, that's it.

Yeah, we went...

So basically, my old mattress, like,

I plunked down from an incredible height,

knackered at the end of the day.

I hate that's my wine.

Yeah, I do, I do do it, and I've broken the bed, basically.

Yeah.

And that, like, my side is like in a dip,

and it was my back was in pieces every morning.

And it also had, like, a...

Spring sticking out, didn't it?

Yeah, that was, like, screaming.

Well, I was getting cut, like, it was like blood in the bed,

you know, it was like, all over,

I was gashing my shins in the evenings.

And, you know, none of it was good.

Anyway, we've got this new mattress, and it is incredible.

It's unbelievable.

But what I realised was, like, it's bespoke, right?

So it's like, it's like your side,

so my side is kind of more industrial,

you know, it's a bit, because obviously I'm a little bit,

I'm heavier, and then obviously on the other side,

it's a little bit softer.

Can I talk you through the science of that?

Please do.

So vice-spring, you know, make these tailor-made beds,

which is, you know, all based on your weight

and your height and da-da-da-da.

So Pete's side of the mattress is firmer than mine,

because he's heavier than me.

Mm-hmm.

And incredibly low.

Yeah.

It's not longer on one side, Pete.

It's just, you know...

It's firmer than it's long.

Firm and long, just how I like it.

So Pete's bed is firmer on his side and mine's softer.

And then we've got the most incredible mattress topper.

How did we live without a mattress topper?

I don't know.

Listen, you know, this is all...

It's incredible, anyway.

But you know, the thing is,

I think you should invest in your mattress,

because you spend half your life in bed.

Mm-hmm.

It's important.

It's important.

Someone said recently, it was like,

your bed and your shoes, you've got to invest in them,

because if you're not in one, then the other.

Well, that's what I'm going to remind you.

Yeah, yeah, I still like that.

Remember that?

Yeah.

I'm going to remind you of that when you're moaning at me

for shopping for shoes on Net-A-Porter.

Yeah, it's true.

If you're not in one, then you're in the other.

It's like, unless you're just, you know,

put it around the house in a pair of slippers,

you need good shoes.

And I think it's important.

So what my whine is, is that you asked me to try your side

and you should look, because it's bespoke for both of us.

And what I've realised...

Can you see the difference?

Mm-hmm.

What I've realised is I kind of prefer the softer side.

I actually prefer the softer side.

I prefer the softer touch.

Well, that leads me nicely into my whine.

Because, you know...

Oh, look, before you finish, this is my whine.

Oh, OK.

OK.

So what I'm saying is, how do you possibly

to gazzump me on the mattress, on the same mattress?

Well, because I'm lighter than you.

So I got my maid to my body.

Like, if you could have come in the shot, I guessed your weight.

But I love my side and I'm happy with it.

But it feels like...

But this leads me onto my whine.

So because, you know, the amount of times I've had abuse on this podcast

for getting into Pete's side when we go up to bed,

because I normally get into Pete's side,

he's got the charger on his side.

So I can charge my phone, eat my cup of tea,

warm the bed for him and then slide over.

But now...

Which is mental, by the way.

He's up the stairs before me and he's in my side.

Oh, so it's annoying, isn't it?

And I'm like, get out my side of the bed.

And I actually like getting into a cold bed.

Same, I was just going to say that.

So did I.

That's what I'm saying.

It's not...

It's annoying, isn't it?

You stick to your side and I'll stick to mine.

Why don't we just meet in the middle?

It's nice.

Meet in the middle, no.

All right, let's get into a few audience whines, okay?

I've been seeing the guy for three months now.

The other day we were fairly hungover,

so we went to McDonald's.

As soon as he finished drinking his Coke,

he burps in my face.

And now I think I have the ick.

I don't blame her.

Keep it to yourself.

I hate burping.

I hate farting.

It's just vile on every pussy.

I don't think a burp in the face is good, is it?

It's like a man is.

How long have you been together?

A few months as well?

Three months.

Oh, three months.

You still caught in stage then as well.

I don't mind a little.

Too comfortable.

Internal burp.

Yeah.

If you go, excuse me.

Well, it's not my...

I tried to do an internal...

You're on the other day, didn't I?

I'm not denying that.

Yeah, I'm sorry for that.

I thought I was being polite.

You were being polite,

but I just didn't like the face.

It was unbelievable, a little bit about them.

Like, when I went up on the nostril, it was amazing.

Now, I think that's totally bad-mannered,

because at the start of a relationship,

you're minding your peas and queues.

You're putting your best foot forward.

You know, you're trying to disguise all your bad habits

that you might have.

So, if he's doing that after three months,

imagine what he's going to be like in three years.

He'll be the ultimate slob pig.

Yeah, that's a valid point.

Very valid.

Do you want me in?

Yeah, 100%.

Do you want the next one?

I tell her to dump him.

Dump him.

Get rid.

My weekly whine is,

no matter how much I pass the pod to my missus,

she won't listen to this podcast.

But due to get married in four weeks,

an air refusal to listen to you, too,

is making me consider the marriage thoughts.

Really?

Well, I like it.

I think you should continue the marriage.

If she doesn't want to listen to...

She's obviously boring as fuck.

Got no banter.

She doesn't want to listen to this gold every week.

I wonder why she refuses to listen.

I don't know.

I think she probably dislikes you.

No, she probably thought,

oh my God, I know about Pete's boring podcast.

So, if it's anything like that, I don't want to listen.

Yeah.

Could be that.

I highly doubt that.

Yeah, I don't know.

Some people just aren't into podcasts.

That is odd.

Dump her.

Get rid.

So, first answer to the first whine, dump.

Second answer to the second whine, dump.

Right, go on here, right.

What is a suitable name to call it?

It's meaning...

Well, I don't really know.

SCX.

Well, my current situation...

My current situation ship.

What's a situation ship?

Exactly.

You're not like boyfriend and gay.

A friend, you're just friends with benefits.

I think that's what the young ones are calling it these days.

They're getting old.

God, these young ones, man.

Wow.

That's rather be a dinosaur.

Anyway, the current situation ship keeps calling it a cookie.

And it's giving me the ick.

I imagine this is her vagina.

He says, how is your cookie?

He asks.

I hate...

Just say the P word.

P.

Rhymes with Stussy.

But think it's better than that.

What is a better thing to call it?

So she thinks P is better than cookie?

Cookie.

Well, I don't think cookies...

That's an ick of all time.

Cookie?

How's your cookie, baby?

It's unbaked, it's still dough.

Can I have a nibble on that cookie?

Oh, my God.

I mean, that's horrific, isn't it?

I think just minge.

Please.

I think Nunu.

Nunu.

Flower, Fufu.

Some of my preferred terms.

So would you say to a girl, Ross, how's your Fufu?

Or how's your flower?

Maybe your flower.

I love flowers.

Would you say flower?

How's your flower?

But why would you ask how it is anyway?

That's the question, isn't it?

J.W.F.

You've never said...

That's J.W.F.

Just wondering.

If you just walked over to me and said,

all right, Pete, how's your cock?

You'd be delighted if I said that.

I'd be delighted, number one.

But you just wouldn't say it's not...

You don't have to ask how it is.

I know how yours is.

Fine, at all times.

It's like the bed, firm and long.

Firm and long.

No, you wouldn't.

I don't know why he's asking how it is, you know what I mean?

Like, it's bizarre.

I don't know.

I don't call my...

I don't know.

Vagina, anyway.

I'd say vagina, actually.

Yeah, it's a...

It's a...

Vag for short.

Kind of meant...

How's your vag?

Oh, I can't know.

Maybe we should move on.

I think if she was going to have a law,

he just said, I just don't like this.

You know, call it...

Cookie's weird, though.

Is it cookie?

Like, is he being serious when he's saying...

Because there's a difference, isn't there,

if someone's being serious about something going,

like, hey, how's your cookie?

Or, like, laughing about it.

Like...

I don't know if he's American.

If he's trying to be, like...

Sexy.

How's cookie doing, darling?

Bakes?

God.

Vile.

Oh, God.

I can't know.

Let's move on, though.

We're talking to getting the painters in.

Let's move on.

Yeah, let's move on.

I think we need to move on.

It's a difficult one, that.

Right.

Why do women, other halves,

when you watch a new film or TV series,

always ask Darth questions to you?

Like, so who are they and what are they doing?

I've just watched it for the same length of time as you.

It's not even been five minutes.

How the fuck do I know?

I do that.

Every time.

I do that.

So true.

Who's they?

What's he...

What's he doing?

Do you think that's every, like, relationship?

They could...

Women do that.

Yeah, like, everyone in this room is, like,

had girlfriends, is all saying the same thing.

Why do you do that?

Don't know.

I don't know.

Because we probably know you're concentrating on it

because men can only do one thing at one time.

We're probably, like, thinking of other things

or doing something and then we go,

so what's happened?

Yeah, so what that proves to me

is that you can't do two things at one time.

Yay.

Nicely done, mate.

Nicely done.

Because you're always on your phone

when we're watching something.

And I always say to you,

because the start is so important, right?

And a lot of stuff we watch.

There's a murder at the start

and it says, like, it's set here.

You get the, like, you know...

1823.

20AD.

In Norfolk.

In, you know, Norway.

And you go, right, and then...

It's like, in chef.

Something happens.

Something happens and you're not...

I'm watching you and I'm going,

babe, it's starting.

It's starting now.

Do you want to watch it?

It doesn't help with your description of fucking

that cop show we were watching with this actor.

It was in Paddington,

so he was just calling him Paddington.

The whole time.

And, like, I'm like, Paddington.

There's no one in this called Paddington.

Yeah, that was the maddest conversation ever.

You know the guy with me,

and you know the big guy in Paddington.

Hugh Buffers.

Yeah, Hugh Bonneville.

Yeah, Hugh Bonneville.

But I couldn't remember his name,

so I was calling him Paddington.

Is that the one where he had people

buried underneath the football?

Yeah, we were watching that.

So I was like, how mad's that?

Watch that with me, Mum.

Mad.

But he was, like, so Paddington's

just kidnapped another person.

And I...

So you can imagine my confusion at this time.

There's only one person who was in Paddington on that show.

Yeah, that makes... I do that sometimes as well.

You just go like, you know...

So if you watch a Daniel Craig film,

are you like...

So James Bond's just met...

Bond's gone in there, yeah.

Because you wouldn't know his name in that.

You know, I can't remember his name in Golden Compass,

but, you know, you'd say Bond's gone down there.

Well, actually, I say Daniel Craig

because I've probably known his name.

Everyone knows who Bloody Daniel Craig is.

No, but sometimes we use, like, the script.

Yeah, he is, it's called, actually.

Or maybe a war film.

Is he a Liverpool fan?

Yeah, he is, yeah.

Seeing him off at the Champions League, actually,

in the semi-final, came to the game.

I mean, too low.

Did you do a Bond gag?

No.

Bondage, you know.

I said, it's a pleasure to see you, Mr Bond.

It was a game today, wasn't it?

Bit of a gear shift now, Ab, right?

I've called you Ab for that because of being serious, though.

You got my attention.

Yeah, so this is an Endometriosis update.

And I know we haven't talked about this,

but, you know, obviously, avid listeners all know

that we did an Endometriosis episode.

It's probably better for you to read,

because this was obviously your brainchild,

wasn't it, to do this?

Yeah.

I love your podcast, and my boyfriend recommended me

to listen to it after your Endometriosis episode.

He tuned in through Peter's other podcast,

passing the pod, apparently.

Good man.

Good man.

I wrote in to get an appointment with Dr Brathwaite,

and I didn't think that anything would come of it,

but I was actually lucky enough to see him today.

He was so professional and knowledgeable,

and he made me feel very reassured.

It was really good.

I was hesitant that attending via the podcast

might mean a lower standard of service

compared to the paying patients.

However, I couldn't be more wrong.

He really listened and put a lot of care

and effort into helping me.

If anyone else is able to,

I would highly recommend they go and see him.

I will definitely keep going to see him more,

and I would love to thank him

and both of you for highlighting female issues

and allowing women to have an opportunity

to get better and get the care and support

they're often struggling to receive.

Thank you so, so much.

This really meant a lot to me.

It's great, isn't it?

It's so nice to have to do that.

Well, because the thing is,

I've been getting so many messages from women

who have been to see Jeffrey Brathwaite.

He is sticking to his word

and following up with these women and helping them,

and I actually met a woman in Portugal, didn't we?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Were you there?

Yeah, I was there.

Yeah, and she said,

I've been to see Jeffrey Brathwaite,

and I've got my diagnosis and I'm on treatment,

and it's incredible to think that we played a part in that,

in helping people,

because it's something that's really close to my heart.

Having suffered within endometriosis myself

and knowing so many women who suffer in silence

and can't get fixed, if you like.

But he's the most incredible man,

the best doctor in the world and friend,

and he's always on the end of the phone.

Yeah, and it's good that we're following up

and it's nice to get messages like that.

It is nice to get messages through this silly podcast.

It's easy to get lost in the latest true crime podcast,

or your favorite binge-worthy show.

But what about your own story?

That's the most important story of all,

and therapy helps you write it.

Better Help Therapy is 100% online

and designed to be convenient and flexible enough

to squeeze in between the next episode on your list.

Get started today at betterhelp.com

slash pause for 10% off your first month.

Hey, Prime members.

You can listen to this show,

add free on Amazon Music.

Download the Amazon Music app today.

Women are getting help and, you know,

hopefully treatment and it will lead to a better ending.

Right, so we're getting into kind of like

interiors of houses.

I know you're passionate about it,

like houses in general.

You're always looking for a new house

and you project something to do with it.

So are you.

I like it.

Peter.

It's something that's exciting, isn't it?

You send me houses on right move every day.

I think people, I think couples do this a lot

when you're kind of like first buying a house

or, you know, potentially want to move

or you do get excited about it, don't you?

And, you know, quite often you want something different

to what you've got already.

And we do, we potentially would move again,

although I love it here.

I know you're keen for a new chapter.

I want to move abroad.

And I've said it a couple of weeks ago in the part.

I'm, you know, I just feel like doing something radical.

I'm wacky.

Something really mad.

Like, I think with the kids, right,

we're so obsessed with kind of like

bringing them off in this country

and having the curriculum that we have here.

But I think for a life.

So better life lesson than travel and culture.

For me, like a life skill,

like doing something completely out of the box,

surely you come back or more enriched from being somewhere else.

I think.

Yeah.

So I've inclined to agree with you.

Just bite in the bullet and do it.

It's just, it's just.

But in the meantime, we'll do our house up.

Yeah.

So what are we going to do?

What's the next step here?

So we've had scaffolding on our house

for about five months now.

Because we had a problem with the roof

and it's, you know, it's been quite stressful.

You know, the house has covered in dust

as like banging, drilling,

million people here every day fixing it.

And things are starting to get wrecked in the house

and look tired.

And I just, I don't know.

I think doing this interior show

and, you know, working with Vice Spring and Andrew Martin

and, you know, I just feel like it's a passion of mine.

And I feel like a house is never done.

You always want to make improvements and, you know,

make changes.

But that's what I'm saying.

Like it has to be a point where you go, oh, it's done.

That's great.

Says you.

You're never like that though, are you?

No, but...

You always want something so different.

But it's hard if that's what you're into.

Do you know what I mean?

You can always make improvements

and, you know, it doesn't have to cost the air.

It's just like moving furniture around.

You get like a completely different look in your room.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

And, you know, I quite, I don't know.

I feel like I've just got this phobia of, you know,

lockdown was such a surreal and weird experience.

I would like to kind of have my home.

You know, one of the houses we went to was completely off-grid

on the TV show and supply their own energy, electricity, water.

And it was just so fascinating to me,

like grow their own vegetables.

I would love to do something like that.

You'd love to do that, wouldn't you?

Just go like 10 to the fields.

Yeah.

And like have animals all around you.

Yeah.

I know.

But you fucking Cruella won't let me do anything.

You can have whatever you want, darling.

We can do that if you want to do that.

I'm up for it.

See, that was on tape.

Yeah.

I like mine. I don't say I like mine.

Happy wave, happy life.

Yeah.

So I'm more into like the soft furnishings and the aesthetics

and how things look and Pete's just a bit like,

I just want it to be like Alton Towers in my house right now.

I think, you know, it needs to fit your needs,

doesn't it?

It needs to come home and, you know, like you say,

it needs to be fun, especially for the kids and stuff.

I don't know why you do a house up and say the kids can't sit on the couch.

So I mean, like, and I can't sit on the couch.

It's like you can't stand in certain areas, you know, the rim.

You know, we've talked about the rim many a time on this pod.

You know, don't go near the rim.

No, I am going to, you know, I'm going to change the floor.

We've done the bathroom. I want to change the floor.

Like when we built the house like nine years ago,

I put a really dark floor in and I just feel like I just want some light and brightness.

And I'm going to redo the floor.

I'm going to change all the rugs because the fucking filter

because you keep standing on the rim.

And, you know, I think we're going to add some fun elements to you for you.

Oh, really?

Yeah, that's some fun to me.

What would you do for me?

So, like, build your dream house.

What would it be?

I was going to ask you that question first.

So I think there's no right or wrong when it comes to interior design.

It's all personal choice.

You know, it's whatever, you know, you've got to live there.

You've got to be surrounded by it.

You've got to look at it every day.

So, you know, there's definitely no right or wrong.

That a few things that I wouldn't have put this dark, dark, dark floor,

for example, it's just a nightmare to keep clean.

You think it's dark, it'll hide a multitude of sins.

But you can, if you make a piece of toast, it's like seven million crumbles on the floor

and it just wrecks my head.

Do you know what I mean?

Like there's so many things I would do differently.

Do you want to hear my dream house?

Yeah.

My dream house, you know what I like?

I like the Cotswold kind of house look, right?

Same.

And I like, and I would put like big glass bits in it, like modern twisty windows.

No, no, like I'm talking like floor to ceiling glass.

No, like a modern twist on it, on an old house.

That's what I've just said.

And like, no, my house is far better than your house.

Like you underestimate my house, that's what I'm saying.

You don't let me express my house knowledge.

And yeah, I'll have it like quite minimal kind of like almost like polished plaster kind of walls

with a industrial, massive island.

What do you mean by industrial island?

Because I'd like it to be kind of like a polished plaster kind of feel like a bit contemporary.

And then I'd have...

So do you not like the country farm house?

Yeah, that's what it is.

Or like the cake stands and all that?

Like the pottery that...

No, I like it for us.

But I'm saying if we were to change, we'd like, let's do something different.

Let's do something different.

And I'd have it like that.

And I'd have it like a bit more modern, but like with that country feel, but a bit kind of minimal.

Less stuff.

Less stuff in the house.

I wouldn't have stuff.

I'd just be really kind of minimal.

But you can't do that in this style of house that we're in now.

No, this is what I'm saying.

If I did it again, I'd do that.

And then obviously the garden, like you'd bring it into the house again, like that kind of glass,

ceiling to floor glass, look out onto the garden, bring the house in.

Ponies wouldn't be in it.

Do you think it'll ever happen where I like whistle in the morning and little ponies can run in?

I'm going to have to do it, aren't I?

Cool.

Because it seems to be...

Can I whistle?

One like a donkey comes in.

Would you want a horse or a donkey?

Both.

I'd love that.

I actually don't want to leave my house ever.

It's that bad?

No.

That shows you've got a happy home.

We don't like the people in it, just the stuff in it.

Yeah, I love my rug.

I'd like to do less DIY.

You'd like to do less DIY?

Yeah.

You've never done anything.

It's just getting to me now, you know, like...

You've never done any...

It's like fixing things all the time.

You've never done any DIY in your entire life, Pete.

There's one bulb in the kitchen that works.

Have you seen that?

Spotlights are hard to change though, aren't they?

Yeah.

How?

They're not like you just leave when you're unscrewing them, are they?

You've got it stuck into them.

I wouldn't know where to start with spotlights.

See that chandelier there?

One bulb is working and there's 26 bulbs in there.

Yeah, I did wonder why.

It doesn't work.

There's no light coming from it.

No, that was obviously tongue-in-cheek.

I just don't do any DIY at all.

Have you ever had any kind of interior or DIY disasters in your house

that you look back on, like any...

Kids spilling paint all over the brand new sofa or anything like that?

We've had painters spill paint on the carpet,

which is fucking insane.

I've seen...

After the other day, she had her three painters lined up and I thought...

I came in from Walking the Dog and I could see because their heads were bowed.

Her laugh was tearing strips.

No pun intended.

Yeah, it was funny just watching them get...

I mean, you were aggressive there.

Was I?

Very.

But you like your house the way you like it?

I think that's unfair to say that.

I think saying I like the house the way I like it

is a completely different story.

To not doing the job, probably.

To just making up their own job and doing whatever the fuck they like.

Well, you told them and they won't be doing it again.

I can assure you of that.

I'd have loved to have seen that, to be honest.

We've had so many builders in the past that come to the house,

like the guy who installed the banister

and it moved like six inches out of the side and he was like,

oh, no, that's how banisters, they need to have a little bit of giving them.

And I was like, do you think I'm stupid?

And then he painted like...

Because people think painting's easy, but it's not.

It's like a highly skilled job.

It is.

Painting and then the lights come on and you see all patches everywhere.

When he painted the door frame, a completely different color to the door

and they're like, oh, that's what they're doing nowadays.

They're painting the door frame one color and the door are different.

And I was just like, what?

You always impress me, like how much you know actually about these things.

Like if he said to me, now you've got this wobble here on the banister,

yeah, you need that.

I'd go, yeah, all right.

It's a shock absorber.

Shock absorber part.

I'll go, stop that.

I'll see you in the morning.

I'll give you that tip.

I'm fucking clueless.

I remember one, I feel the one said, he said, we said,

oh, we'd like it, you know, kind of eight foot doors going outside.

They can't have them.

The illegal?

The illegal was the shout, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And we went, well, I've seen them like everywhere.

You can get 20 foot doors.

I thought, you know, I've seen houses in Portugal

when they've literally got 20 foot front doors, 20, like they're massive.

And I thought, I think you're having me on here

because you don't really put them in.

Oh, okay.

So it was like, well, no, we did ask for kind of, I am, I'm six at seven.

I don't want to be ducking through my own door.

And we were kind of building the house.

So we wanted it kind of.

As you wanted it.

If you're going to build a house for me, you're not going to put six foot doors in.

No.

So it seemed ridiculous, didn't it?

But I think you, you don't let on how much you actually like interior design.

We love going to Arding.

Like, no, I do.

I do enjoy it.

I do.

I do actually enjoy it.

We love an antique there or an auction.

So you know what I think about you?

What you said, you're good.

You love a bargain, right?

You, I don't like mind you doing that because you're on it with like.

No, I'm savvy.

I don't want to, I don't want to get robbed.

You know, because when we get people around to do quota,

wherever we answer the door, as Peter Crouch,

there's another two zeros get added onto the bill, which drives me mad.

I think fair is fair.

Do you know what I mean?

Like you can't do that.

But I don't think you have to break the bank to do up your house.

You know, choosing the right colors, things.

I always think if you're a fair time buyer and you're living in your house

and you've got a new house, I would live in it for a while before you do any rash decisions.

Because, you know, if you've got a wall there and you're like,

oh, I wish I could just get out of the garden that way.

You know, knock that wall down or, you know,

I feel like you need to live in it for a while to get a feel for it.

And then you're not wasting money with making mistakes.

Do you think like we did?

Yeah, we just made mistakes.

That would be doing it all.

We made mistakes.

And then I would say it by like, we're knocking down walls that I paid to put up.

It was like, what are we doing that for?

It's also a nightmare living in your house while you're doing a renovation.

We've done it so many times and it's just hell.

Do you remember when we had no kitchen for like 10 months

and we ripped the downstairs loo out and we made like a little makeshift kitchen

and we had like a kind of no one of them like little camping stoves.

But I actually quite like all that stuff.

What's good about that is we just didn't go in that room.

So it was like, you don't see it developing and all that.

And then you kind of like reveal it and it's like the kitchen's done.

We were just in this downstairs toilet making...

Beans on toast.

Yeah, it was like it was like a bad camping trip or something.

But do you remember when we first moved into our very first house together

and we had nothing and we went to Argos and bought a blow up bed.

We went to John Lewis and bought some quilts and pillows

and we stayed on the blow up bed and we got a bottle of champagne

and two champagne glasses and got takeaway.

And then the takeaway come.

We were like, we've got no knives.

Remember?

Yeah.

Do you remember that?

Yeah.

I'm going to say, yeah, but I don't know.

Did we have like one, we had one big lazy boy chair in the downstairs bit.

I would never have a lazy boy in my house.

Didn't know it was mine, previous.

It's my previous wife.

It was one lazy boy, so it was not one else.

Are you a previous wife?

No, it was a lazy boy.

It was like one big chair.

Joey or friends.

Joey, yeah.

I have no channel with me.

It was just me.

I know that I wasn't there because I wouldn't allow a lazy boy in my house.

They are comfy, but he looks shit early.

They're so comfy.

You know, like you just go like when you're, it's like that.

It's like men behaving badly.

Like when you, you just bang in this massive chair and go, why put the football on?

I know, I get it.

It's a good, it's a good, it's good.

I do get it.

For the, for the single days.

But we had friends in lockdown who were like building outdoor kitchens and barbecues and

you know, they redid that.

Like Jack like sanded all as, ripped all his carpet up, ripped everything up and

exposed this incredible original wooden floor, sanded it all down.

And it was the most incredible floor built like old decking, outdoor kitchen, fairy lights.

It's just like.

I wish I was one of those people.

It's so impressive.

Max, Max, Max, he's a dance studio.

Yeah.

Built a dance studio.

Yeah.

Like converted all the garages, like put all glass ceilings in himself,

all mirrors, amazing floor, the ballet poles, like.

Pretty good.

It's so good.

What you can do.

Right.

Let's get into the agony out of the way.

Right.

About six months ago, my boy best friend asked me out on a date.

Oh no.

Not this again.

I said no as I didn't see him as anything but a friend.

Since then we've remained friends and I've now got a boyfriend.

I recently told my boyfriend about this and as said, he would never tell me

who I can and can't be friends with.

But thanks to this, because of the past, it would be best for me and my best friend

to stop meeting up one on one.

Emily.

I totally disagree with her.

She's already pied in once.

Why did she tell the fella though?

What was she expecting?

Because girls like to play games.

Because girls is players too.

Because girls is players too.

No, I think she's done that because girls like to make the boyfriend feel jealous.

Yeah.

And she's obviously done that for that reason.

I am a girl and I am on the girl's side in my life normally.

But girls do like a bit of drama.

I like playing games.

She said that to make him jealous is what he said.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I've still got it.

Still got it.

Yeah, I've still got it and all that.

But like he's rightly said.

I don't think that's right to say you can't see him.

I sold him in a minute, right?

So it's just someone that I didn't know.

But then I started to get out of you, right?

And then I found out that he's put it on you and said, you know, he wants to get involved.

I wouldn't be comfortable you meeting him one-on-one again.

Are you doing a nose yawn?

I saw a bit of a flare there.

She just did a nose yawn.

You did it.

We'd get out on slow-mo on that camera.

No.

I look like an absolute pig today.

You did a yawn then through your nose.

I agree.

I agree with the boy.

I think I wouldn't like it.

Someone's come on to you.

She's the best friends as well.

If it's like a matey, she's probably not going to see that much in Bumb into him.

But if the best matey is going to be around all the time,

I'd be a bit like other words.

Well, because she just assumed he was a...

Boys are so funny like that.

It was her best friend.

But he's obviously not a best friend because he wants to be with her.

So how can you then go out with them as friends?

Changes it, doesn't it?

And if you get a...

Let's put it this way, right?

I've got a girl with a best friend who's said to me that she wants to go out with me.

And then I say to you, I'm just going to go out and meet Poppy.

Poppy?

Yeah.

They already get jealous.

Poppy, that tramp.

She doesn't even exist.

She made her up.

Well, tell Poppy she can fuck.

But I am not going to lie.

I am jealous.

That's why he doesn't...

Why does it...

You said it's fine for her to meet up with him.

But I say to you...

I was saying it's fine in the sense that he's got nothing to worry about because

if she liked him, she would have said yes to go out with him in the first place.

Well, she must like him in some capacity.

And people can grow on you because she's her best friend.

But I've got loads of mates who I wish I fancied.

That sounds wrong.

What?

That sounds wrong.

I don't even understand what you said.

You want loads of mate who wishes you fancy?

Like, mates that you think, God, if I only fancied you, you'd be ideal.

So who named these people?

Who the hell?

Well, I can't put it in there.

No, I was just thinking like...

I don't know.

No, I've always said to you, oh, God.

Like, it's not attractive.

But he's like, I love him, don't I?

And he's amazing.

But you just...

It's just a no.

Like, I could go out with him and you wouldn't have to worry.

But if he was a hot stuff...

But you literally said, I wish...

No, I didn't mean to say that.

I did say that, but I didn't mean to say that.

You know what I mean?

He's got such a better personality than you.

No.

Wish I fancied him.

Just wish he was gorgeous.

No, but what I'm saying is because even Alfie's got friends who he's like,

I love the personality.

You know, we get on so well.

Well, we love the same things, but I just don't fancy them.

Yeah, but I think that gets it.

You're saying that's where she is.

She's like, I just don't fancy her.

So I think it's safe for her to go out with him is what I'm saying.

It's not from a man's point of view.

If you're going out for a drink with a fella that I know you fancies you,

one-on-one, it's not going to sit well with me.

Lucky, none of you are my fancy me.

Well, all of them would.

And all of them do.

I just think they like me as well.

They'd probably still fuck me over.

I am so.

The silent treatment.

Hi, guys.

When I was at the weekend with my wife and our friends,

had a great day having a barbecue and a few drinks in the sunshine,

then on the way home, our friends invited us into theirs.

So I did.

That doesn't make sense.

So context, I can't read these.

I don't know why you can't read,

but you don't seem to be able to read.

Why, when we do, I can't believe you're saying I can't read.

I've got fucking 9A stars.

Well, prove the fact that you can read.

It's not written well.

It doesn't make sense.

Why do I have to read?

These are all listeners, like enough to hear everything.

Okay, had, had a great, it starts with the silent treatment, full stop.

Hi, guys.

No.

Hi, guys.

Went out at the weekend with my wife and our friends, full stop.

Had a great day having a barbecue and a few drinks in the sunshine, full stop.

Then on the way home, our friends invited, invited us into theirs.

So I did.

My wife is on a diet just now, pre-wedding season,

and the calorie count and reducing social activities is definitely making her more cranky.

So I went into our friends to continue Saturday night and she went home.

I said I'd be one hour.

I was five hours.

This time, it's happened to be a few times before, I'm not groveling.

I'm letting her be, and I know she'll first, and I know she'll crack first and want to make up.

Any experiences like this in the Crouch Clancy house?

See?

Very well read, are we?

Fantastic reading.

So what, he went out on a bender and didn't come back for five hours.

They went out together.

The neighbor said, oh, come back to ours for a drink.

She doesn't want to go because she's, you know, on a diet for the wedding,

doesn't want to drink, eats, junk the next day.

So she went home.

He said, I'll be quick.

I'll be one hour.

He was five hours and now they're not speaking.

But do you, this is pretty standard, I think in any relationship,

I think this happens a lot, right?

Yeah.

Surely you say you go for an hour.

It's like the old, I'm going to go for one.

I'll let me go.

I'm going to go for one.

No one's ever had one, ever in their life.

You definitely haven't had one.

Well, no, you don't, no one has.

I just think it's disrespectful.

We don't go for one.

You do it every time I've got to get up early for work.

Not at all, listen.

Because I can't sleep in the house without Pete.

And every time I've got to get up at like 5am,

Pete won't like come into like one.

And I'm like, I've got three hours to sleep now.

It's not true at all.

It is.

No, but like, it doesn't happen.

You don't go for one.

It's just never, ever happened.

And you don't go for one hour.

If you go, you go for a few hours.

I don't.

You do.

I come back.

I always come back.

I think Mickey Flanagan had the best solution for this.

He's like, I don't know why people try and underplay it.

He said, if any, you should always overplay it and say,

I'm going off for 12 pounds.

And then come home.

When you've had like six, I just think,

fucking hell, he's greater than me.

Exactly.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you know what?

It took me 10 years to work that out.

Like, honestly, like she'll say,

what sort of time you'd be home?

And I'll go like eight.

And I'll probably get home about three.

What do I mean?

Like, no, that's a good, that's what I'm saying.

It's like, I'll say,

3am.

No, 3pm, I'm talking about.

Like after golf or something like that.

Or like, let's call it, say, I'll get in at midnight,

but I reckon I'll get in about 10.

Or realistically, I'll say five and I'll get in at two.

Are you talking afternoon or?

Well, that was 8am, that one.

You've never, ever, ever stuck to your word in your 18 years?

I haven't, I haven't.

I am.

You haven't?

I haven't.

Genuinely haven't.

It's not true.

Genuinely haven't.

You've done the odds coming home early, surprise.

And I'm like, oh my God.

But it's quite a lot recently, babe.

That's normally.

That's normally only if it benefits you.

Do you know what I mean?

If it's like, who am I?

I'm a monster to you.

Are you not a monster?

You're great, but you're like a good time.

You're like a good time.

Good time selling over there.

Party Pete.

Party Pete.

All right then, let's change the subject.

Do you want me to read this one?

Go on then.

Saw you in the airport flying home from Portugal.

I wanted to ask how Airport Ab was amongst the hell

we were all enduring during the cancelled flights and delays.

We'd been sat on the runway for eight hours before our flight was cancelled.

Anyway, the next day we tried again and we saw you

and walk into a very full lounge.

A few minutes later, Ab came in with six pizza hut boxes

and I knew it was not the time to ask.

This is true.

This is true.

It got my husband and I thinking,

what's your first meal you have as soon as you arrive home for us?

It's a curry.

Great question.

Because we discussed this a lot.

Well, it's funny because obviously

when we were coming home from holiday,

it was all over the news everywhere.

There's flight cancellations, delays,

people are on the runway,

people have been in the airport for days, blah, blah, blah.

We had a slight delay.

And you actually commented, you were like,

oh my God, I'm loving this new app.

You were great.

You were like, Airport Ab is nowhere to be seen.

I thought, do you know what?

I'm not even going to do that anymore.

I'm just going to be calm.

It's fine.

The best thing that's come out of this podcast

is something that's really, really, actually,

like you really have rendered that in.

Yeah.

You're a credit to yourself and your family.

Thank you.

But that airport pizza hut is like the nail in the coffin.

You know, after like, we've put half a stone on,

we've eaten, drank every day, the carb overload, bread,

alioli, breakfast, lunch and dinner, out.

And then it's the, it's the final insult

of the pizza hut in the airport.

It was good though,

because they do have fresh ones in the hot ones, aren't they?

You can get a slice.

You had a subway, Anna, pizza hut?

I think it was one of the kids left the subway, didn't they?

So they had to buy a fare.

Yeah, it was nice.

But what the question is here is,

what's your first meal when you get home?

We had a roast dinner, didn't we?

I made a roast, yeah.

That's a bit rogue.

Rogue?

No, because you know when you've been like,

I'll be honest with you, we've been in Portugal,

we've been eating garlic prawns,

I thought I was going to turn into a prawn.

Like, it was wine and prawns on a daily basis, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Which was amazing, and I love them.

And like, obviously they were...

I love prawns.

You know, and it was great, and I feel like, you know,

lucky to be able to do that,

but we get back and it was like, right.

I just wanted to...

Or something English.

I want a roast dinner, my own roast dinner,

not even like a pub roast dinner, that's not your own.

I wanted, so I did my food shop online,

day before, got it delivered, got in, two, three o'clock,

got the roast dinner on, Pete went the butchers,

bought a big leg of lamb.

Fabulous.

It was, and it was...

I think that was the best one you've made.

Oh, so good.

How good was it?

Even the kids went, Mum, this is the best roast.

Sophia said to me, Mum,

this is the best dinner you've ever made in your life.

Yeah, it was like, it was something special about it.

I don't know, did you do anything different?

Prawns, yeah.

I think it was my butchered...

God and Rams, he locked up in the utility,

cooking it all day.

That was good.

I get the curry shot though.

Look at the curry one.

Yeah, I think a roast dinner,

that just seems like a lot of effort for me after the holiday.

I think a roast dinner is one of the easiest things to make.

Yeah, especially when you've got John doing it for you.

No, honestly, she did it herself,

and she was very...

Honestly, she did it herself, like every other roast dinner

in the past 18 years, I've made you.

What, unless John's around?

Yeah, John's made the odd Christmas dinner alongside me.

Alongside me.

John.

No, you're good, babe, you're...

Listen, don't let them forget these losers.

You're very good.

My dinner probably would be a roast.

I love a roast,

but I would like someone to make me a roast

that tasted like my own.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

Like, I want my own taste.

A problem with some of the roast dinners is, like,

when people go overboard with our posh it is

and put the red wine juice involved and...

Oh, God, it's a standard red wine juice.

Yeah, it's like, you don't want a posh roast,

you want, like, a meat and gravy.

Meat and gravy.

All right.

Do you know what, we haven't had for such a long time,

which are really, really fancy ribs and cabbage.

Oh, I love ribs and cabbage, you can't buy them in London.

You can't buy the ribs?

You sell pork ribs?

No, no, bacon ribs.

I never even heard of that.

You never even heard of that?

I never even heard of that.

Do you used to throw them away, apparently?

You can't buy them anywhere.

No, you can't.

But what you can do as a substitute, you can get a ham.

A ham hock and just boil a ham shank.

A ham shank.

It's not the same though, is it?

Why don't you have ribs and cabbage, though?

Who put them together?

Irish?

Yeah, the Irish, because they used to,

the butchies, they threw the bacon ribs away

because, like, no one had had them and then went all the pork.

People, I think, used to, like, be like,

they'd give them away, basically.

They used to boil them up with a bit of cabbage.

All right, I've got one last agony up here, babe.

My boyfriend doesn't call me any pet names

and he never calls me princess,

but you called another woman princess

that he was chatting with.

What would you do in this situation?

So this airboy friend doesn't call a princess,

doesn't call a babe,

but is calling some random girl princess,

completely unacceptable.

When you call, like, a barmaid, darling or something,

I literally want to scratch your eyes out.

You say babe to people, do you know what I mean?

Like to young kids.

Oh, you say it to loads of people?

Not to men.

Not to, like, grown men.

But I feel like when you get to a certain age,

you can start being, like, a little,

you can say things because people aren't looking at you,

like, they'd fancy you anymore because we're old.

You talking about yourself there?

What about yourself?

Joking.

No.

Like, who's not going to fancy you?

No, because I'm old.

Now you can have that kind of, like...

Because you're old now.

What the hell are you talking about?

You're hardly a grandma, are you?

Oh, yeah, I feel like that.

You look sensational.

Yeah, when you call, when you call barmaids,

darling, hey, darling.

Well, when, what's the same with babe?

When, who do I call babe?

Loads of people.

Like her?

Loads of people.

I've heard you say it loads of times.

Not to strangers?

Anyway, we'll talk about me, anyway,

we'll talk about this guy, he's a nightmare.

He's a plunker.

Oh, honestly.

Get rid of him.

Do you think?

Dumb.

Dumb.

Get rid of him.

I'd never do anything like that.

He hasn't got a pet name for his mrs,

but he's calling other people pet names.

I don't think that's good.

We haven't got pet names for each other?

I've got, I call you babe all the time.

Yeah, just babe, that's not a pet name.

Yeah, but it's not like I don't call you Abbie.

No.

Cookie.

How is your cookie, anyway?

Stale.

Maldives.

Oh my God.

Well-passed.

It's so bad, mate.

Yeah, exactly that, exactly.

Good.

All right, well, that note, I think it's been,

it's been an interesting podcast.

I think the, you know, like the interior stuff,

listen, I wish you all the best with your show,

because I know it's going to be epic,

and I know that like you're putting a lot of effort into it,

and I know you enjoy it, and it's good,

it's going to be good telly.

No, it's great, but I want to do something together.

I would like to do this dream project together.

Not even go and live somewhere, man.

Let's just, I would love, you know,

when we built our house, we didn't have a clue what we would do,

and we kind of left it into the hands of other people.

You know, knowing what I know now,

and how much I've learned, and what I love,

I would love to do something together, me and you.

Do a project.

Yeah.

All right, let's do it.

You know what I mean?

Let's brighten the bullet.

Grow our own, grow our own veg, some animals, you know.

Becoming less appealing.

So yeah.

All right then.

Buya shaka.

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Machine-generated transcript that may contain inaccuracies.