The Therapy Crouch: Keeping Up Appearances

I've been suffering, I've been suffering.

But I am not comparing my nose operation to childbirth.

I'm a chibamma, I'm a chibamma now.

I'm a chibamma, I'm a chibamma now.

Hi, and welcome back to The Therapy Crouch. It's me, Abby Glancy.

And me, Peter Crouch.

So we've got a little sick boy with us today.

No, I'm not sick, I'm not sick. I've gone through this for the listener experience.

Because my nose sounds like I'm under water, my whole voice has changed.

I've not been able to smell for ages, have I?

I've basically got polyps and I've had an operation this week.

So I still sound like I'm under water.

Yeah, but you only had your surgery two days ago.

Yeah.

And that will leave me unnice to my wine.

But for now, I'll give you a little bit of sympathy.

Yeah, so he's had this major operation on his nose.

Yeah.

Major operation.

It's a huge deal.

You know, anyone who's had polyps before will tell you.

It's a huge job.

I'm well-skipped for it.

But for the listeners that I know that are into The Therapy Crouch every week,

you know, I'm here for you.

What are polyps?

It's basically like a bunch of grapes all in a sinuses.

All my sinuses.

Like, got to stage where I felt like it was coming out my ears.

My nose, my sinuses here.

And obviously...

Yeah, I do have it, yeah.

I do, yeah.

But it takes ten days, for isn't it?

So it will be next week.

I'll be clear.

And the experience for you listeners.

Although you like me, Husky.

It's not Husky.

It's more do-farsh.

It's more do-farsh.

But that's not my real voice.

It's like, obviously, I've been suffering.

I've been suffering.

It is going to take ten days for his voice to repair.

But now I'm not going to be able to take the pee out of you.

Well, I don't know.

Because I don't think it's going to change that drastically.

I still sound dopey.

But I like you dopey.

Do you know, this one thing about this new mic setup,

I feel like I can't reach you.

But that's another thing, you know.

We're always thinking of listener experience.

And I think I was waving it around, wasn't doing a great job.

Yeah, because I am quite expressive with my hands.

So holding the mic was an ideal.

It wasn't ideal, really.

We're just rattling around and making noises.

So we've had an eventful week, haven't we?

Yeah.

We went to one of our friends, Killian's 30th.

And me and Pete were on a mission.

We had a set mindset.

You know, we're trying to keep up with all these young pups.

You know, obviously, Pete was old enough to be their dad.

I thought he showed up at 11 and 12.

People can have kids at 12.

Slightly older, that's all.

Not like your dad could be his older brother.

Older brother from another fact, from a previous marriage.

You'd be like the older brother from a previous marriage.

No, but we were really like...

Stepbrother.

Stepbrother.

I was feeling really kind of insecure about my age.

I don't know why you're asked about it.

I don't know.

Just like, I don't think it needs to be a thing.

Because normally all our friends are older than us.

So I feel great when I go out with them.

Not a wrinkle in sight compared to them old bags.

But it was the opposite.

It was the opposite on this particular weekend.

I was thinking, oh, God, all these girls are like 20-odd.

And I'm exhausted anyway from just working and being with the kids.

And I don't know, just this level of insecurity came over me.

And I was like, can we keep up? But we did.

Of course we did.

Road school.

Yeah.

Well, that's like...

Say that again.

In every sense of the word.

It's even like the footballers now, like back in the day.

When you used to play, they used to go out and drink and stuff like that.

But now all the players are really health conscious

and don't drink and vegan and blah, blah, blah.

I was in a transitional period, like right at the start,

it was probably a little bit unprofessional.

And then it got more and more professional.

And then by the end of my career, it was very much, you know,

got this boozing on a Tuesday and things like that.

It just stopped.

But to be fair, you never did that?

No, I think it wasn't.

You've got to be dedicated to what you're doing, I think.

But there was certainly older players.

When I first started, it was like crazy to see what they do now.

But didn't in the olden days they used to like go in at halftime

and have like a pint of Guinness or something?

Is that true?

No, they'd have a fag.

Like, you know, there's pictures of the 66 World Cup team,

you know, having a fag after the game just in the dressing room

with beers and things like that.

That just seems mad, doesn't it?

Yeah, halftime.

It's standard practice.

Like everyone used to smoke.

I know it'll bring me breast back.

Yeah.

And I sick it.

I sick it, halftime.

Different times, isn't it?

Different times.

I felt like on this weekend we kept up.

We kept up the pace and I think we were the,

possibly the most funest out of the whole group.

Wow, yeah.

We would say that.

You do say so yourself.

You don't.

You don't do say so yourself.

Honestly, I don't know what...

I thought you were the most fun, though, definitely.

Yeah, because you love me and me and you think we're fun

and we're probably not.

No, so we had...

We had...

That was a great couple of days.

And, you know, the whole hangover experience,

because we left the kids at home at my mum,

the whole hangover experience with no kids,

is actually so enjoyable.

It's actually a nice day.

Like, you know, you get up and you go,

oh, I don't feel great, whether you have a shower

and then you get back into bed.

And, like, we ordered room service.

No, we got...

Like, what we actually did,

we went to bed, we had probably about four hours,

five hours of sleep.

Then we got up, had a shower,

went to get a massage and a facial.

I can't believe.

And then...

I was sitting there in a facial bit, right?

So, when you get a facial, me and Ab,

being like, things you just lean back, face to him.

It's face to him again.

Yeah, we're big fans of the face to him, right?

So, I'm sitting there, me and Ab, and I'm thinking...

Because it's in the sort of lobby way,

as you go through to the spa, I'm thinking,

I just hope none of the lads come in.

Because there was loads, it was loads.

All the lads have got, like, clay pigeon shooting.

They got clay pigeon shooting.

And I'd paid for clay pigeon shooting,

and I thought, I just want to have a spa today.

You know what? I love that about you,

because you're literally like one of the girls

when it comes to a spa, and I love it.

I should have gone shooting with the lads.

I should have definitely gone shooting with the lads.

You know, you could hear the clays going up,

and I thought, I'm just lying there,

with cucumbers on my eyes.

But he was literally, literally like this.

Because I actually don't like that set up there.

Which just feels like you're in the...

You're actually in a walkway through,

so people are like looking at you when you go through,

which kind of makes you feel a little bit uncomfortable.

But when everyone... And it's also in the relaxation zone,

where everyone's like chilling, like before or after the massages,

and Pete's like this in the chair.

Pretty nose-off, polyps galore.

Pretty nose-off, yeah.

Pretty nose-off, and obviously that hungover,

and that tired, like, you know,

and it's like that deep snore that you can't control.

Well, I've never done it before.

Well, it's because of this nose thing.

Like, I just hope it, you know, this is going to make it better.

There's going to be no more of that.

It will. And so we had the facial.

We had our massage, then we went back to our room,

lit the fire.

Yeah.

And then we ordered every cheese-based dish on the menu.

So we had pizza, we had macaroni cheese.

You had a cheese board, chicken and chips.

Oh, my God, it was just heaven,

like, getting in bed, watching a movie,

eating ourselves to death.

And then we were just, like, drifting in and out of sleep.

It was just amazing, wasn't it?

What great, like, we haven't had a hangover like that

for, like, a long time.

No, and then straight back on the booze.

I actually enjoyed it.

And then 5.30 and knock on the door.

Yeah, we actually didn't do ourselves

that proud the next day.

We slipped, didn't we?

We slipped at 11 because I literally couldn't hack it.

I thought I was going to die.

You know, greeted with a margarita,

a liquid one, not a pizza version.

Like, trying not to vomit in the waiter's face,

like, oh, can I, can I do this again?

Although I discovered that new drink that I like.

Paloma.

Our student really gets a grip of what that was.

What is it?

I actually don't know, but it's nice.

It's fruity.

It's like orange soda and tequila, maybe?

Yeah, well, listen, if you know what a Paloma is,

get in touch.

www.therapygrouch.com.

Yeah.

And what about the rest of the week?

I had Snoop Dogg.

Yeah, I missed out on Snoop Dogg

because I had a nose consultation, unfortunately,

so I couldn't, we couldn't go.

We wanted to go to Snoop Dogg.

It looked good.

Couldn't go to that.

I had a charity dinner at Lord's,

which was amazing. I've never been to Lord's before,

home of Cricket.

We're in the long room at Lord's,

and I had a little tour of Lord's.

What an amazing, incredible place.

Like, I'm not a Cricket fan,

but just being around that kind of history was amazing, really.

I really enjoyed having a look around.

I don't know anything about Cricket,

and I really offended Sophia's teacher,

who used to be an ex-Cricket player,

or a professional Cricket player.

Because Sophia's had to make a choice for summer term

between tennis or Cricket.

I don't think anyone plays Cricket in Liverpool.

Never even heard of it.

Up there.

Well, I didn't.

I didn't even heard of it either.

I used to play round at school, not Cricket.

I said to the teacher,

well, Cricket basically round us,

and he went ballistic at me.

He wasn't happy with that comment at all.

But, as I say, I've never watched it.

I've never played it.

Yeah, yeah.

It's actually, I think...

Like, I didn't get it as a kid.

I was football and tennis,

but I'm starting to warm to it now.

I understand a bit more about it,

and I get it.

But tennis is a great game.

My favourite thing, right, we took...

I took out two, we were in Portugal,

played tennis, and we also played paddle tennis.

And watching...

It's completely different.

It's so much fun watching her like...

The adjustable bounces, right?

You turn your whole body

and hit it out of the entire court.

Every single time.

I know.

But it's unreal.

She cannot get to grips with

her body shape.

If your body is facing this way,

you can get it over the net.

But you come at it and just

gently guide it over the...

Not the net.

The net that holds the court in place.

So, a paddle court is like a fenced...

Tennis court.

Like a squash court, but it's fenced all the way.

But there is, like, a tennis ball-sized gap

in between the railing and the pole.

And every time I'd get it through that hole,

no matter where it was.

Like, if someone paid you a mid...

I reckon, bloody what's his name?

What's a tennis player called?

Andy Murray.

I reckon Andy Murray

couldn't even get it out of that gap

every time.

Every time.

And I did.

Unbelievable.

There's no...

It's not in.

It's not...

It's not in the court.

It's just straight out every time.

So, there's no...

We can't even rally.

But it's enclosed.

So, it's just a gap to get it out of.

It's incredible.

I tried to just align your body a bit more,

but you just go straight back in

and just hit it out of the court.

Yeah, but this is the thing.

Like, growing up, my dad was very much,

like, the boys play sports,

and the girls, like, stay at home

and go shopping and cook with the mum.

Like, so, I am crap at everything,

which is so annoying.

I would love to have a game of tennis with you,

because you're amazing at every single sport.

And I kind of feel like I miss out,

and, you know, there's only so much coaching to do

before it gets fed up with me,

and there's, like,

give me a real player to deal with.

It is.

I like playing with you,

but, like, there's no real game

if you just keep hitting it out of the court.

It's just not fun, but...

I've booked myself some tennis lessons

over Easter.

Yeah.

So, I've started riding again,

which is amazing,

and I love it,

and I am doing some tennis and golf lessons.

Well, I got a slight issue with tennis lessons,

only because I know a friend of a friend

who was playing tennis with his wife,

and he beat her,

and then she was, like, not having it,

so she went and got tennis lessons.

She beat him,

so he went,

right, I'm going to get more tennis lessons.

Did that.

Anyway, she got intense,

one-on-one coaching,

and then left him for the tennis coach.

I get that.

Oh, my God.

I get that.

They had, like, a real big battle about it,

and then she just won.

They were intense,

one-on-one lessons.

Yeah.

So, that's slightly worrying.

New balls, please.

Literally, yeah.

New balls.

New balls, please.

Juice.

I don't know.

That's what they say, isn't it?

Yeah.

Juice.

Sipping on gin and juice, she was.

Yeah.

No, that'll never happen.

I hope not.

I'm not that competitive.

I'm literally going to be out.

Yeah, you'll never beat me.

You might run off with the tennis coach.

Yeah, but you could get, like,

a female tennis coach and do the same thing.

OK.

No, you can't.

You know what I'm saying?

It could happen.

Could happen.

Yeah.

Would you like to move into the weekly wine club, babe?

I've poured us a nice couple of glasses of ryoka.

Ugh.

Ugh, I can't even think of alcohols

still after the weekend.

But, um, I have got weekly wine.

Kind of.

Yeah.

Nerve.

Yeah.

It's kind of like you milk and being a patient.

I've had a really intense operation.

It's like, I just go back to the time where I gave birth,

like, and three hours later.

Very similar, I think.

Babe, you've had a fucking...

I had two hours of intense kind of labour, really,

when they were ripping stuff out of my nose.

It took about five minutes to do the operation, she said.

Tense.

And he was, like, fully knocked out.

Like, I gave birth naturally.

Awake.

And four times.

OK.

But I am not comparing my nose operation to childbirth.

But you wouldn't think that.

He's been lying on the couch, like, ringing a little bell

when he wants something.

I need water.

I need paracetamol.

Can you get my nasal spray?

Can, like, literally...

waiting on him hand and foot,

which I don't mind because you're not...

you're not a bad person and you're always...

Not a bad person.

No, you're always really good, so I don't mind.

And you're, like, never sick touch words,

but you have milked it a bit too much.

Have I?

It's like, when I gave birth, literally...

Why does everything have to go back to when you gave birth?

I can't give birth.

If I could, I would.

No, but it's like...

how serious, like, you didn't take.

It's like...

I took your birth very seriously.

When Pete was obviously lying in the bed next to me,

getting all the attention off the nurses when he had that growing operation.

And then was in hospital.

I literally got discharged from hospital

and then he wanted me to bring him a charger in.

Like, three hours after I gave birth.

We've talked about this before.

The charging situation was because you were coming in anyway.

It's like, can you grab me a charger when you're coming in anyway?

I wasn't, like, dragging you up there to say...

No, because I wouldn't have come otherwise.

If you didn't need a charger, I wouldn't have come.

That's not true.

You were coming in anyway, Nata.

All right, well, listen, you know, it's something to bear in mind. I've dragged it out.

Yeah, but it's a man thing.

It's like, even if you get cold, like, when you're a woman,

and I know this might sound really sexist,

but you don't have time to get in bed

and relax or wallow in self-pity and in bed.

When you're ill, you just have to get on with it feeling crap.

And with men, it's a whole different ball game.

It's a whole different disease, isn't it?

The man flew.

No, you just can't cope.

You're just weak.

You lot just...

The weekly wine club is basically what you do on a daily basis, isn't it, really?

We just do this and record it.

What?

Your weekly wine, you have a daily wine.

This one, we capture.

I don't get it.

Like, we call this the weekly wine club, but, like, you do this to me every day.

Wine at you?

Yeah.

And, like...

You wine at me?

We call this the weekly wine club.

We just capture this one on the record.

Okay.

Go on, hit me with yours, then.

Well, yours is just...

I think it's something that we brought up before.

Before?

Well, it is before the broth.

Before.

Yeah, it's when we go to bed and you drag me up to bed,

even if I'm watching something downstairs,

and you'll say, come on, let's watch something together.

Let's watch something together.

And then we'll go upstairs and I'll put something on

and you'll just go on your phone, like that, and not even watch any of it.

Then ask me, what's happening?

I'm not really into this.

So then I have to change what we're watching

because you've been looking at your phone and not watching it.

No, because I'm listening.

I can multitask, unlike you.

How can you be looking at your phone?

You can't say the go into bed thing is your wine,

because that's my wine.

Why?

Like, every night, we'll say we're having an early night,

and every single night you come in the room,

you're walking snail pace, minus five miles an hour.

Going to brush your teeth, then you're walking into the dressing room,

then you're walking out.

Just doing what everyone does before bed.

No, but it drives me mad.

Getting ready for bed.

It's so slow and we've wasted so much time.

I have so many jobs to do before bed.

Like what?

When you just get into bed, not caring the world,

I've got lock up, put the dog away, feed the dog,

take him out to the toilet, put all the kids to bed.

This is bullshit.

Absolute bullshit.

I've got so many things to do.

I make you a cup of tea every single night.

Bring up your little biscuit for you.

So is that, you see that as a chore?

Not a chore, but it's just,

you're telling me that I'm moving to snail's pace.

All you need to do.

I'm telling you a list, a to-do list.

All you need to do is make my cup of tea and come on.

That's it.

Listen to that.

I do everything else.

Lady Muck.

You're a disgrace, actually.

No, that's...

You're absolutely disgraceful.

No, I'm not saying like make my cup of tea.

I'm saying literally that's all you need to do.

Yeah, I just feel like I've got a lot of things to do.

You know, while you're just lying there

on the net a quarter or something.

Meanwhile, I'm keeping your side warm.

Yeah, still don't understand that either.

But other than that, all good, really.

So well done this week.

Get my word.

OK.

I'm only joking.

Thanks, babe.

No, we've actually had a lot of fun this week.

We've kept up with the young ones.

We've been out and about.

Yeah, so I just thought today's topic should be about ageing

and how you feel about it.

We could start, I suppose.

We found it this weekend, didn't we?

So we thought we'd move on.

So I suppose we found it this weekend, didn't we?

So we thought we might as well use it as a topic this week.

Is that we were, you know, at 30 year old's birthday.

We felt, you felt a little bit like, are we too old?

No, I didn't at all.

I thought, you know, they're our mates.

It was good fun.

And we had a laugh with them.

Didn't feel for one second.

But then it brought up the conversation

of like getting older, I suppose.

And how do you feel about that?

And, you know, I remember talking to one of my mates recently

and he said, you know, we've realised we've reached our peak.

Yeah, I know.

And now it's like downhill.

That's our dream thought, isn't it?

Like you've had your peak.

You have had your peak.

I haven't.

You have?

Because you're 42.

I know, I know I have.

But you genuinely have.

You're not going to get better now.

You're only going to...

But I disagree though, because like,

I feel like I've got better.

Well, men, that's like the unfair thing.

Like women give birth.

You take on all the burdens of family life.

The rocks of the family.

Why is this men for women all the time?

Because it is.

Why?

And then, you know, men do age so much better than women.

Unfairly, I think.

Some do though, but some don't.

Like that actor, that Hollywood 8,

well, English Hollywood A-Lister actor

that we watched last night in a film.

Looks terrible.

Terrible now, doesn't he?

He's got the full monkey's bum on his head.

What can you do about that though?

Hair transplant?

Hair transplant.

I'm telling you now, like,

if I was a man, I'd definitely get a hair transplant.

I'm not against it.

I'm not against it.

If I have the monkey's bum or the island,

I think Steve McDonald.

Yes.

Steve McDonald.

It's if your forehead turns into a five-head.

I think something needs to be addressed.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm not against that.

I'm not against it.

It's something that I would look into.

But I think, you know, women, you know, it's kind of,

it's kind of a tricky,

a tricky place to be

because you do want to grow old gracefully

and still remain yourself.

But also, you don't want to be like,

well, I don't.

I don't want to be old and wrinkly and...

You're going to get lines on your face though, right?

I've got loads.

I'm looking at, like,

if you're expressive,

which I am,

you don't want to have

no lines.

No.

I used to be, like, so much more full of face when I was younger.

Like a fat face.

And then a kind of after-kids weren't, like, more drawn

and now I'm going, like, a bit fatter again in the face.

Not fatter, but, like, fuller.

I think, you know, you change throughout your life

and I think my personal choice would be

to look after myself and get facials

and get a tweak here and there.

I am not, basically what I'm trying to say is

I'm not opposed to plastic surgery.

If it makes you feel more confident

in your own skin and makes you feel good about yourself,

then I don't feel...

It's so worrying.

Like when you see the horror stories and stuff

and you see people who look so different,

that worries me big time.

Yeah.

When you say that.

But there's so many girls who've had stuff done

or you don't notice because it's just been done properly.

Well, I don't know, but you tell me,

every time we put on a show...

She's had the work done.

Yeah, she never used to do it like that.

Oh, she's had loads done.

Everyone, like, why do you girls say that every time?

Someone will come on and you go, like,

yeah, but she's had loads of work done.

I see if you've ever said anyone's beautiful.

I wouldn't dare.

I wouldn't dare.

But you'd say it and I'd go,

I'll just do that face.

I think, well, I'm territorial and I can't help that.

Yeah, but you...

Is that...

Yeah, you do say it a lot.

So are you saying to me,

like, there's loads of women out there

that've had stuff done and whatever?

I'm not saying that.

I'm saying people do get stuff done.

But a good job is when you don't notice it

and you don't...

That is true.

It is.

Yeah, that is true.

But how do you know?

I mean, until you've had it done, that's what I'm saying.

Because they're 95 and they haven't got one line on the face.

Yeah, but then you couldn't be 45 and look like a monster.

This is my issue.

Like, it's such a dangerous kind of thing, I think.

It can be.

If you get it wrong.

It can be, but also it makes people feel good about themselves.

There's got to be a bit...

And it's a personal choice.

Some people want to have, like, huge lips or huge boobs or whatever.

You know, it's their personal choice, if that's what they want.

How do you feel about me coming in with a massive pair of, like, fake pectorals?

I love it because you've got none.

But like, a massive gun.

Have you been over the bloody moon?

What did you know?

No, I'm not into Muslim men.

No, but seriously, like, because you can have, like...

I could have, like, them tattooed or something on.

No, I like some...

I can contour you with the spray tan gun.

No, you've got an incredible six pack.

You don't need to have that.

No, but I mean, I mean, you know, like, if you just...

People just...

Like, for instance, did that.

But the men...

The men are actually getting worse than women on these things.

Like, you know, it is a real thing.

Getting, like, men get, like, butting plants and pecs and guns.

You know, they do do it now, which...

Yeah.

But I think there's a difference between that kind.

And that kind of thing, really.

But that and working out or, you know, taking care of your face.

Yeah, but if you...

It's how you go into the face gym every now and then.

You know, putting moisturizer on.

Yeah, but technology...

Looking after yourself.

Beauty technology has advanced so much.

It's not, like, 30 years ago,

and you just put a little bit of nivir on your face, you know.

There's so many incredible things out now,

like high-frequency machines and, you know,

skin tightening and fat dissolving.

There's all these incredible things that help maintain youth.

What do you do, like?

Do you want to tell everyone what you get up to, like, fitness-wise?

For me, I like to...

I love Pilates.

And I like to go to the gym.

I like to work.

You know, it's kind of hard, like, fitting it in with the kids and work.

And I think when you get out of that routine,

it's really hard to, like, motivate yourself and get back into it.

And, like, throughout my life,

I haven't really struggled with my weight.

So I think already that kind of incentive's gone.

Like, you know, friends of mine or whoever,

like, they have to work out every day to maintain their figure.

And that's something, like, you and I both have never really had to worry about.

So because of that, you kind of...

Your main focus isn't on the gym, and even though you kind of...

You should be doing it for your overall fitness and mental health and everything,

you just kind of... It goes a bit secondary.

But I do feel, as I'm older, it is easier to put on weight.

And I like going to the gym, it just gives me more energy and more focus

and, you know, stops me feeling tired and lethargic.

So I like to do the classes, like, a hit, box a size.

I used to do a bit of boxing together, didn't we?

Because this is what we said we do when Pete retired.

We'd, like, work out together and go for lunch and walk the dogs.

Like, it's not been...

Well, it's not been that. No, I've been busy.

And also, you don't want to walk the dog or go to the gym with me.

We've realised that really quickly.

No, because you don't like doing...

I can't physically go to the gym and do it myself

because the second I feel pain, I'll stop.

I need to do a class where they're, like, shouting at you, like,

Ten more, get down, go, go, go.

I need that to motivate me.

Yep.

Or...

Whereas I probably don't as much.

No, you don't because, like, it's, like, health and fitness

has, like, been ingrained in you.

Yeah.

And obviously, we eat healthy, don't we?

Yeah.

Like, we do, you know, our cheese fest that we had over the weekend.

Do you know, we ate pizza for four days last week.

Four days.

They were nice pizzas, though, weren't they?

Yeah.

Fresh ones.

Amazing.

They were, like, fresh, nice.

Like, it's so bad on the Sunday we went to our friends to watch the boat race.

And they had a pizza van.

The Slowdough Pizza, who we love.

We always get them every time we have a party.

They're incredible.

And she had them, so I was like,

Fucking hell, I'm eating pizza again.

Yeah.

So after that weekend, I feel like I want to eat healthy,

get on the juices, get the gym, go horse riding.

Because that's even, that's harder than any workout.

Horse riding.

Yeah.

So what do you like to do to work out?

I feel like we're on a first date and it's like a really,

I can imagine your mate, Rob, having this banter on his date.

And Rob, because he's into fitness.

Rob's like a personal trainer.

One of Pete's best mates and it's like,

So what do you do to work out?

Well, what, it's talking about getting old.

How many kg can you lift?

Oh, I'm benching loads now.

Look, he's swear that Pete nearly died once.

Oh, fucking hell.

She loves this story.

So Pete was in the gym, holding the bar with the weights at the end

and it fell off and I was thrown.

Closed line yourself.

He was choking to death in the Liverpool gym.

And he had to get rescued by some of the players, didn't he?

Well, the young lads have reported back anyway

and I've found out that this had happened.

But you know, when you don't put on the thing properly

and they fell off the end and I went like that.

It wasn't on my neck.

It went off and then it came off there and I went,

Oh, fucking hell.

I went and put it down.

Anyway, it turned into this whole like,

I almost died.

I was lifting too much weight that I couldn't control.

It was a good story.

It wasn't the truth.

It wasn't the truth.

What's the truth?

You just don't want me to have that image of you in my head.

Like super bad.

Babe, I've seen you bench press.

It's hard.

Fucking it was.

It's got two little 4kgs, isn't it?

I'm up to five on each now.

I feel like when we're getting old,

when we're getting old or whatever,

are you going to fancy me less?

When your balls are saggy.

That's what I was thinking.

Your balls are already saggy, hun.

You know, when your balls are saggy and like,

I don't know, you can tuck your boobs into your belt.

I can already do that, hun.

Your grey hair or like long nose hair or...

Babe, you've got all of that.

You've got the big, long, geomachrytic eyebrows now.

Is that going to be a thing?

Is your love deeper than that?

That's what I'm just trying to say.

I don't think couples who love each other see age.

Do you know what I mean?

Because your face that I look at every day

is still the same face that I've been,

I feel like I've been looking at for the past 16 years.

It's not like you've changed or gone old or whatever.

But I must have.

But you must have.

But I'm talking, I don't know.

Like, when you're 60 and 70, like, do you still fancy

each other, like, as much?

I think, you know, there does come a point

where people don't find you as attractive

because you are married, older and multiple children

for both men and women.

No, not now, not for you, yeah.

Anyway.

You know, I remember speaking to someone the other day

about this, about getting old and stuff,

and they actually really changed my mindset on it.

They said you're actually lucky to get old.

You know, some people don't even have

that luxury of getting old.

You know, think of the older things that you can see

in your life and expect, like, you know, the film Up,

where it's like the granny and granddad's still in love.

Like, I actually look forward to them days.

You know, we always talk about, like, having our grandkids,

like, when our mums won't mind our kids ever.

And where I was like, God, when we're grandparents,

we'll always look after our grandkids.

There's so much more to, there's so much to look forward to.

Imagine when your kids are older and you've got, like,

you know, loads of, you know, even grandkids, like you're saying.

But look at, like, my mum and dad now,

like, when we all go out together,

like, all the kids are growing up.

No responsibility, like, the kids are growing up.

You know, you've got more time on your hands

and just slow it all down

and go on nice holidays, hopefully.

Yeah.

So, yeah, I think, you know,

if you want to get tweaks to your appearance

to help you, you know, stay looking young

or make, if you want to tweak your appearance

to maintain your youth or build your confidence,

I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I am not against people getting plastic surgery.

For me, definitely the natural look

would always be a better option.

I also think getting old is a mindset as well.

Like, if you don't allow it, you know,

if you don't allow that to settle in,

if you keep busy and you keep on top of things,

keep your health, you keep fitness,

and just keep doing what you want to do,

you know, just because you get plastic surgery.

Yeah, well, people like me, dad and stuff like that,

they say they still feel like 25

and I'm not saying I felt old.

This age worry did come over me for some reason,

but I don't feel old.

I still feel like I'm, like, 18 in the head.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

Mm-hmm.

I was still doing the worm at 4 a.m.

Yeah.

And I've never been so proud.

Well, it wasn't that someone videoed it

and I was actually just lying on the floor on the belly.

It was.

Literally no worm.

It wasn't a worm.

It wasn't a worm.

She licked up.

In my head, I was like Jason Orange doing all this.

Her head just came up.

Sorry, that's another reason why it made me feel old,

because I was like, I felt like Jason Orange in me.

I was like, who's Jason Orange?

I was like, he didn't fucking take that.

I remember I put on Simply Red as well,

and everyone booed that off.

Oh, no.

Yeah, but we're quite young to be Simply Red fans.

Yeah, I suppose.

And we just got good taste.

But yeah, the worm, you were breakdancing and everything.

We've still got it, babe.

We're still young.

We've still got it, babe.

We've still got it.

We've still got it.

Right.

Here we go.

Agony Ave, big fan of this, aren't we?

Hi, Abby and Peter.

Love the pod, you two are hilarious.

Just had a few babies, and I'm in my late 30s now.

My husband of eight years is the best man I've ever met,

and we're completely in love.

We watch your pod every Tuesday with a glass of vino.

I've never really been completely happy with my body,

especially my tiny boobs.

They're like two little beastings.

My husband said he likes them,

but I think he's just being nice.

After having kids, they're not as perky as they once were,

and I think it's time to get implants.

I've always wanted bigger boobs my entire life, and now is my chance.

I've discussed this with my other half,

and based on his cheesy grin,

it puts on his face.

It seems he's on board with the idea.

Do I go for it and get really big ones I've always dreamed of,

or do I just go back to my perky, little old self?

Does the bigger the better rule apply here,

or do I need to just calm down and stick to what I know?

Pete, sorry in advance if this is Norco's question for you,

but feel free to get involved in the discussion.

I'm totally comfortable with it.

Big juggernauts.

I love tits.

All I've dreamed of as well.

Well.

That was a joke, by the way.

I'm going to leave this entirely to you.

Men always say the ideal thing is anything that you've got,

and it's just a lie.

Boobs is a weird one, isn't it?

You're more of a bum man than a boob man there, aren't you?

Boobs is a thing.

God, my boobs are better than my bum.

Bum's like a bloody...

Bum's awesome.

Bag of laundry.

Half a bag, flat as a pancake.

That's what I need to work on, actually.

Don't put your bum down.

Bum's lovely.

Don't put your bum down.

Don't put your bum down.

You've got the smallest bum.

It's like a little lamb.

It's like a little conker in a khaki.

It is.

It is.

It really is.

Let's get back to our boobs, please.

Let's get back to boobies.

Well, you know,

your body does drastically change after you've given birth.

You know, I went from having

boobs like this big

to flat as a pancake

four times.

It was ridiculous.

You did it out, wasn't it?

You had big boobs.

You had big boobs.

You had big boobs.

You had big boobs.

You had big boobs, like

before.

You used to think I had implants, didn't you?

I did think that, yeah.

I used to have humongous boobs.

I had to feel them to investigate, you know.

To the ages.

By the time it came to the conclusion that

they were actually real.

It doesn't matter if boobs are real or fake.

What matters is you feel comfortable

and confident in your own body.

And I know from experience

after you've had kids,

it takes a long time for them to get back.

And sometimes they don't even come back

or sometimes they go double the size.

Like everyone is different.

So, what was their name?

It doesn't say actually, they're none.

Whatever she wants to do

to make herself feel better, do.

I wouldn't ever get any

plastic surgery

or do anything to your body

to make someone else's benefit.

It has to be for you if it works.

Confidence-wise and things.

Yeah, if it makes you feel confident and happy.

Don't do it for someone else.

Do it for yourself or don't do it for yourself.

You know.

Nothing too drastic really.

You don't want to go too

massive like she's saying here, do you?

If I was here and she's saying

obviously her boobs aren't what they used to be.

And she did decide to go ahead

with a boob job, I would

say no.

Because that's like kind of natural to her body.

Okay.

Hi Abby and Peter, I thought I'd do my boyfriend

up and

I thought I'd do my boyfriend up and sent him to get

a full set of veneers.

Oh god, a takey job.

But he's a big lads lad.

So he's not, he sounds like he's not

a vain kind of boy kind of.

He could potentially get ripped in the pub.

Can you put all the lads lads of them, veneers?

No, not all.

A lot, a lot of them.

I had, I had in front

four veneers, but like they

I had them knocked out. It's like an excuse.

People think I've got veneers

and I'm like do you think I would get veneers

number one this big and number one this

wonky. Your teeth are amazing.

I hate my teeth. They are wonky.

Because I have my brace off when we went into

freaking lockdown. So they all moved again.

They look good. And I didn't get

the wire on.

I quite liked having them train tracks.

I had them back.

Do you like them?

Me too.

So it turns out he's terrified of needles

like he passes out as soon as he sees

one job.

The big wuss decided to go for it with no

anaesthetic. For anyone who doesn't know

when you get veneers they have to shave your teeth down

with an electric sander type thing

into little baby fangs. After getting

the first one done I could see him grabbing

the arms of the dentist's chairs with tears rolling down

his face. Second tooth in and he jumps

into the dentist's chair saying fuck this

and runs out.

Now he's so angry for asking me to get

for making me get his teeth done but in my

defence they did look like a row of bombed

out houses before.

He's currently got two baby vampire fangs

for front teeth and is refusing to get them

finished. I actually can't even look at him

without laughing. Never mind kiss him.

Please help Agonyab.

Oh my love life depends on it.

So he's had them filed down

and they've just they haven't put the cap

on or anything like that. Because he's in too much pain

but I don't get this whole

veneer thing. I actually think it's a crime

for dentists to do. That's a young

healthy teeth. Like veneers

they don't last forever.

They last for about ten years and if you

file your teeth down you've got nothing

to put the obviously this is what my dentist said

to me. So obviously

when you the veneers

come off or need

to be renewed you have to get like a bridge

because there's no tooth original tooth to

put it back on to. It's not

it's not as simple as let's have nice teeth

the upkeep

and the maintenance of veneers

is a big deal.

Like you've got to keep your teeth as long

as possible. But also like

she described them as a row of bond houses

right. You don't want them

either do you?

So if that is the option

then you go for it. But you know what

I quite like a bit of character

in the mouth.

Like

like wonky teeth

that are nice clean

and white looks great.

There's so many people who are so charismatic

and they've got like wonky teeth but they're like

clean. Like that's just

I like imperfections rather than

perfection on people.

I agree with that. Do you look too polished

can't you? Yeah the people I like to look at

and they don't even mean like in a sexual way

or anything like that. People who I just like

their faces. Do you know what I mean?

Character? Character.

And it's normally like wonky teeth

or a wonky nose

or you know that's what I like

to look at. I get a lot of grief

for my big teeth don't I? You do?

Like a horse mouth.

I think it's my laugh.

I can't control it.

I'd rather have big teeth

than small. I think it's big yeah.

I like big teeth

and I also think people

who say that are just jealous.

With my big hamsters.

But your teeth were the same.

Is that before you got veneers? Yeah I know.

I only got the front four in.

Pete actually got his teeth knocked out

the roof of his mouth.

The front of his teeth they come out

the teeth were in the roof of his mouth

and the front palate had flicked

out of the skin and the bone had

broke that way.

It was horrendous but you've had nothing

but trouble since have you?

I wouldn't take getting veneers

lightly. No definitely not.

Especially all these young kids.

You have to floss like every day as well

like it's horrendous. It's putting

something foreign into your body.

It feels foreign as well.

Are you laughing at us?

It feels like

alien.

Don't get me wrong they look incredible

and you know. Don't get me wrong they look

incredible.

I look at it now they are

fantastic. I mean when people get

veneers like they look great but

not you.

Not yours. No they look great but

it scares me though.

It's too permanent.

What's he going to do? So how are we going to help him?

He's got two baby vampire fangs

front teeth. He's refusing to get the finished.

Can't look at him without laughing.

Can't kiss him and the rest of it.

Well you know you can get gassed.

You don't have to get the needle he could get the gas sedation

instead.

He can't take the needle. He can't walk around

with two like stumps.

You can't go from being that vain to getting a full set

of take it. Do you have two ovens?

No.

He's got a man. He can't go around like that.

So take your teeth that's because they go to take

you to get them for anyone who doesn't know what

that is. What you've seen them knocking around.

Yeah.

All right. Well tell him he's got to get it done

unfortunately.

Hi Abby and Pete another message from your favourite

Spaniard.

My bird has suspended her life savings on

Botox and I don't know exactly

what she's done but I want a refund

on her behalf.

I don't have the heart to say anything but she's

she's onto it. I think she's unhappy

with it as well but she's just trying to blend

it. As I said I don't really like

that look but she said I'd like

it. She's considering getting more

done to fix the botch

job. Is this a bad idea

or just damage control?

Well I

wouldn't know.

I wouldn't know at once that question.

A bit of Botox is fine

I think.

But obviously he's saying he's not into it and she's

not happy with it.

Because it can go wrong.

We need Natalie Kelly back on.

Tell us what to do with it.

Well

I doubt she's ever done a botch job

but it can go wrong.

It's like anything.

Is that risk?

You've got to take.

If you want to start messing around with your face

you open yourself up to a risk.

I would say

I'm no doctor but I would say generally

Botox

is a kind of

Cindy Crawford's been getting Botox since she was

21.

But would Cindy Crawford go the same as

Deborah from Slough?

Same place.

Is there levels to it?

I don't know

I don't know.

Botox costs the same.

Across the board

near enough.

I would say do your research

and go to an amazing practitioner

who's got a good reputation

and you can see some of their work.

It's so hard now with Instagram

you can make any picture

look however you want.

Just going off Instagram alone

is not a reliable source.

You need to

before you start doing them

things, definitely do your research.

Okay.

I really love the pod.

It does brighten up my Tuesdays so thank you.

I have a big debate going on in my house

and I'd love to know your thoughts.

My husband and I have been together for 10 years

and have a 5 year old daughter.

My husband gets off at work at 5.30am

every day and leaves the house at 6.30.

God that's a long time to get ready

for a man.

What an hour.

He gets up at 5.30 and leaves at 6.30.

If you have to leave at 5.30

you get up at quarter past.

That's true.

He wants me to get up with him

and basically watch him get ready

for work every morning.

That's what you do.

I think that's cute.

What is cute about it?

What is cute about it?

I watch you get ready.

You're fast asleep and I'll get ready.

Did I do it?

No, you make me

watch you get ready.

You do.

You talk to me,

lights on, hair dryers going,

showers on, door wide open.

You basically watch me watch you.

Well...

You know how to cure that.

You can just go and sleep in another room.

I like watching you get ready.

I just don't like listening to it.

I also work full-time

and look after the house

doing all the life house admin

as well as school runs and bedtime

and I'm always the last one to go to bed every night.

My daughter comes into my bed at 7am

and we have a nice five-minute cuddle

which is my favourite part of the day.

I feel like he's been unreasonable

expecting me to get up even earlier

to not actually gain anything

apart from last sleep.

Steph?

Yeah, I think

you can keep, you can do it yourself.

You don't need that need.

Half five is anything with five in it.

It's too early.

Anything with five at the start is too early

and it seems unreasonable.

If he was getting up at six

then I'd maybe...

What?

559 is even too early.

It's still start of the five

which just doesn't sound right.

I agree with you.

Obviously a lot of people have to get up that time for work.

It's torturous getting up at that time.

If I got up at that time

I wouldn't expect the whole house

to be up at that time.

How can kids get up at half-five?

I just think in the evening

if I wanted to go to bed slightly earlier

I just don't think you can

have a go for that.

Because you'll have to

get to bed early if he's getting up at that time.

But I wouldn't...

He's not asking her to go to bed earlier.

He's asking her to go.

I know that you would go like no

because you'd want me to stay up with you.

Even though I'm up at half-five.

How much earlier do you want to go to sleep, babe?

Ten o'clock is fine.

This is hypothetical.

We go to bed at ten o'clock.

We go to sleep at ten o'clock.

Why are you changing this whole conversation around?

I'm relaying it to how I would feel.

I don't know.

We're not in this situation.

Obviously, I get up far earlier than you

and do all the stuff before you're awake.

I'm getting sick of this.

What are you getting sick of?

You're making out that I'm always having

lie-ins.

It's not lie-ins. It's just longer than I say.

Well, that's not my fault

if you wake up earlier than me.

No, because it's making me have to be lazy

which is one of my biggest...

Never once did I say you were lazy.

Never once.

I still look five minutes after you.

Do you want to give us some advice?

I think she should be honest with them

and just say, look, I'm exhausted.

I like having my little cuddle in the morning

with my daughter.

Piss off waking me up.

Basically.

If he was going on a three-day trip

and leaving at five in the morning,

I get it because you get up

and make a little breakfast.

It's the last time you're going to see them for a few days.

But every day is quite relentless,

especially when you're in bed.

Yeah, just say, you know, stop waking me up.

Basically.

So, just sign off on this podcast, then.

I don't think that we need to worry about

getting old yet, but it's something that we're

planning for in the future.

At the moment, I feel great.

I feel great, but there is a lot of pressure

for girls. There is.

And you want to look and feel your best,

and it's hard to.

Especially if life gets in the way and kids

and you're busy and then you hang around

and play on your mind.

But I'm looking forward to growing old with you.

I am. I really am as well.

But just bear in mind,

I'll drop you like a stone

if you don't look your best.

Well, consider myself dropped,

because I already look like death.

This whole podcast, I've looked like shit.

I find you incredibly attractive

as every other man in the world has.

Will you go to bed with me?

But, and also,

it's not just about that anymore,

because I adore you as a person as well.

Just remember that.

Thanks, babe. That's the truth.

No, you can't play golf tomorrow.

It's fine, anyway.

Do you want to play golf on a Friday?

Well, I'd like to.

That's when I like to play.

That's okay with you.

I'll see. I'll see how good you are.

Thanks, babe.

In all parts of the restaurant,

stay tuned for the next episode.

Machine-generated transcript that may contain inaccuracies.