SmartLess: “Jimmy Kimmel: LIVE in Los Angeles”

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Is this is my heißt?

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All they can hear us.

OK, wait.

So wait.

I got a really quick game.

It's called Quick.

It's called Quick, Quick, Quick.

And I'm going to say Quick, Quick, Quick,

and I'm going to say name three something, right?

OK.

So for you, so Quick, Quick, Quick.

Name three brands of soap.

Dove.

Ivory.

And the Irish Creek.

OK.

So, quick, quick, quick, name three problems,

dental problems, go.

Name three dental problems, go.

Oh, you've got an abscess, you've got a cavity,

and you've got a punch in the mouth.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Okay, what about you?

Quick, quick, quick, three great sports teams.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Quick.

The birds, the dinosaurs.

No.

Okay.

Oh, God.

The dinosaurs.

Listen, let's just forget this.

Let's just get down to what we came here to do.

The last show off, smart box.

Smart box.

Smart box.

Smart box.

Oh, man.

What?

Oh, man.

It's right here.

Yes.

Look at this.

Oh, man.

Oh, fun.

You guys, it's our last.

It's the last.

The last.

This guy owns a place.

They already see you.

This guy owns a place.

He's looking to bust some heads.

Yeah.

It's our last show off the show.

It's our last show.

Oh, wow.

We're going to, this is it.

We're so excited that you guys wasted your money to come here

tonight.

A lot of money.

Yeah.

We're going to try to put full dollar value in it.

Yeah.

We've got a pretty good guest.

Not, not great.

Okay.

Not great.

Pretty good.

Yeah.

But we've been on, we've been on the road for the last couple of weeks

and we went all over the country and we started in D.C.

and then we went to Boston and we went to New York and Chicago

and Madison, Wisconsin.

Oh.

We had an incredible special appearance.

Bye.

Bye, my sister Tracy.

Tracy.

And I think that Tracy got a warmer reception than we did.

Yeah, for sure.

Anyway, thank you for coming here.

Unless we're going to sit in the show.

Yeah, yeah.

You get there because it's your guest.

Yeah.

I don't care.

Oh, boy.

Oh.

You haven't sat in the center since.

Since Conan.

Oh, wow.

So all the way back to Boston.

Yeah.

Thank you.

This is a great interview, by the way.

Thank you.

How did you get started in show business?

That's a great question.

I wasn't expecting it out of you.

Sorry, just before I, green.

What's your favorite color?

No, they know.

They know.

All right.

So wait.

I, you know, people are so nice to come backstage

and they say nice things all through this whole tour.

Sometimes I do think I have a little bit of face blindness,

of undiagnosed face blindness, because sometimes I really,

truly don't recognize people and I make an asset of myself.

And so wait, quick story.

I was remodeling my house and I came outside.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, it doesn't get any gayer than remodeling your house.

And so the, and I walk outside and this woman's walking down

the sidewalk and she says, she goes, oh, I love what you did

with the house.

I would love to see the inside of it sometime.

And I'm like, who are you?

I was like, okay, like what am I supposed to do?

And the conversation went on.

I was feeling very awkward and I go, I'm sorry.

Do we know each other?

She goes, it's Julio, your next door neighbor of 20 years.

And yeah.

And then I, and then the worst comeback you could ever come up

with, I go, did you change your hair?

You look so different.

That's gayer.

That's gayer.

That's definitely gayer.

Oh, and another one, this is why I think I have it,

because another one during Will and Grace,

remember Tracy Lords, the porn star?

Sure.

No.

No.

Did I say sure?

You said really quickly.

I said it pretty fast.

Yeah.

I was a little fast.

Are we still rolling?

Can we go back?

Yeah.

So she, she ventured into, you know, talking parts and acting,

you know, like.

She talked quite a bit actually.

Yeah.

So she, you know, I don't, I didn't know.

So she became, she came on as a guest star in Will and Grace,

and I'm such an idiot.

She sat down, I literally said, oh my God,

I loved you in the hand that rocks the cradle.

I thought she was Rebecca de Mornay.

And she looked at me like, excuse me.

And all I didn't even say anything.

I'm like, I'm going to be right back.

I got to get some water.

And I just, because somebody was like,

that's not Rebecca de Mornay.

What else?

Are you happy to be done with the tour, both of you?

Yeah.

Well, I'm happy and sad.

Huh?

I'm happy and sad is what I said.

What's the happy part?

The happy part is that, the happy part is the.

You get to rest for a second.

We're researching for the happy part.

No, no, no.

Because he's going, he's,

Sean is about to go on the road for seven months to go do a play

like tomorrow.

Yeah.

And he's been doing all of this for his final week.

Yeah.

Before.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That's very nice of you.

Anybody here see promises, promises?

Yeah.

That's very nice of you to say.

It's called Good Night Oscar.

It opens at the Goodman Theater in Chicago.

And then Broadway after that.

So, but that's nice to say.

No, I'm happy because I feel like it was a success.

I had a great time with you guys.

I feel very happy that we did it.

But sad because it'll be gone.

Yeah.

It could have really been a shit show, right?

Yeah.

We didn't, we didn't know what,

we still don't know what the hell we're doing.

And to think that people would be engaged and entertained for

a half hour or full hour with us talking is stunning.

And we might be blowing it right now, right?

We're doing so good up to here.

I know.

It went really well.

Did you black out?

Did you black out for a second?

I'm still out.

Yeah.

But I think, I think we may have pulled it off without,

without a real stinker.

I have one more embarrassing face line of story.

Can I just share?

Okay.

Yeah, of course.

Double back.

I went to, I went to, I went to the premiere screening of

Transparent.

Remember that TV show?

Sure, sure.

And it was the first, it was, it was before it was on TV,

it was a special event you could watch for the first two episodes.

I was like, oh my God.

I walk up to, what's his name?

Take your time.

Duplass.

Jay Duplass.

Yeah.

Jay Duplass.

He's an amazing actor, right?

Sure.

And I walk up to him and I'm like, oh my God, you were so great.

You were so amazing.

And, and he's like, and I'm like, no, no, no, you were,

that was, it's such an incredible show.

I can't believe nobody's ever tackled this subject.

I just went on and on and on.

And I was like, you're so great.

And Scotty, my husband grabs my arm.

And I was like, oh, okay.

Well, I'll see you later.

He's like, okay.

He goes, that's Molly Shannon's husband Fritz.

And I was like, oh, and I know Fritz very well.

So, yeah.

And then I, and then I was like, do I say something to Molly and

Fritz or do I not?

Oh my God, it's going to be so embarrassed because every time I

see her, then it's going to be in the back of her.

You know what?

I'm going to email her.

I was like, oh my God, Molly.

I can't believe I thought Fritz was J.D.

Plus and she emailed me back.

She's like, we cannot stop laughing on the car ride home.

It was pretty bad.

We're getting old.

We're getting old and the brain starts to go.

You guys are.

I don't have any.

Yeah.

You still play.

You still play like 35 to 37.

Right.

You really do.

I don't make the rules, dude.

You have no socks on or do you have those weird sort of hide the

socks that, that just hide in the bottom of the shoe?

No.

Or no seams?

Yeah.

Right.

No.

Prove it to me right now.

Okay.

Oh.

Uh-oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Cause those are not a good look.

Those little things.

Isn't that what when, when a woman goes to try on shoes at a shoe

store, high heels, they've got those little things in there.

Well, men too, dude.

Well, it looks like a high heels.

It looks like a high.

But they have those little like temporary socks for everybody.

And it's not a good look for men.

You either got to go without socks or put them on.

Who likes the no socks look?

Anybody?

Thank you.

That was like 20 people.

Good for you.

I can't pull that off.

Good for you.

It's a, it's a, yeah, it's a very unique look.

It looks like a pump feels like a sneaker.

Um, I don't know the reference.

It was a commercial where women are playing basketball on their high heels.

But what was that fun?

It was some, it was some shoe company.

I don't know.

We have a lot of fun.

We have a lot of fun together.

We have a lot of fun with you guys knowing that you guys are having fun with us.

That's a true story.

Thanks.

Thanks for listening to our garbage.

Truly.

Truly, uh, we really mean it when we say we can't believe it.

We're truly humbled and that you want to, you know, get involved with us and laugh

and all the stupid shit we talk about.

And cause that's what we do all the time.

And we're really happy to be back here with you guys with our family and friends,

a lot of whom are here tonight.

Yeah.

We wanted, yeah.

And we wanted to do a show back here in our hometown.

Uh, we wanted to do a show that really was representative of how great we feel and how

grateful we are for you guys and for our friends.

So with that in mind, our guest tonight is someone that we all hold dear to our hearts

and we love very much.

He's just the funniest.

He's such a good friend of ours.

We just love him to death.

And he's got, for the first time, we all know who the guest is because we're at the end

of the tour and we've invited our really good friend, our pal, the hilarious, the kind,

the generous, the amazing Mr. Jimmy Kimmel.

Thank you.

Oh, sweet.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh.

Oh, hey now.

Mr. Jimmy Kimmel.

I appreciate it.

Hi, guys.

You know, I mean, this guy, this guy knows how to do it.

We got, we got, we got to get some pointers.

I feel like that.

I mean, that was a really nice intro.

I don't think I don't appreciate it.

I do appreciate it, but it did feel a little bit like when like somebody's inviting their

cousin to your house and you're like, oh, he's such a great guy.

Right.

So much.

Don't be an asshole.

But the truth is, is that, is that we mean it.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Yes.

We love you and you're just.

I love you guys too.

And I have to say this is very exciting for me because I've never seen Jason up this late.

And by the way, if at some point during the podcast, he just gets up and leaves, don't

be surprised.

Yeah.

Every single time.

He makes no bones about it too, right?

He'll just get up and leave and he and Amanda will often come to dinner or whatever.

We all know in separate cars.

Yeah.

So that he's got an, he's got an escape pie.

Last night.

He lies.

He's also a liar.

Yeah.

Sure.

He lied to me last night.

But it's funny that this is the big surprise.

I saw you guys last night.

I'm going to see you again tomorrow.

I know.

Yeah.

Another day.

It's very special.

Great merch, by the way.

So great.

This subtle, right?

What, which mall kiosk did you get this made out?

And I have to say, I made fun of the hats, but I didn't know Zazzle was making motel

key chains.

I don't, listen.

The key chains, by the way.

Guess whose idea the key chains were?

Bullshit.

That was all.

Yeah.

They were.

Was it real?

No, no, no.

Hang on a second.

I may have said, now it's coming back to you.

I may have said key fob.

That's like a motel.

Oh, even better.

What key fob?

Key fob.

I'm a Toyota Highlander.

I need a 2018 key fob.

Key fob to somebody's gym?

That's, that's, I'm going to destroy my marriage and cheat on my wife key fob.

Like, what is that?

Wait, wait.

What's happening?

Well, but that's like telling.

Oh, there we go.

There's a key fob for the audience.

A key fob is decorative.

So last night.

Yeah.

Jason.

I left before.

I left you.

I pulled abatement, so I missed you.

Honestly, I was surprised that you guys weren't there and I thought, wow, this is really shitty

of Jimmy and Molly not to be here tonight.

Yeah, see, he took off before even I did.

I was tired.

We came late.

It was a dinner thing.

So did you, yeah.

But Jason, when you were, I was walking in and then moments later you were leaving.

Because I heard you were there.

You said, and correct me if I misunderstood this because I was trying to figure this out

with my wife, you said, I said, you're leaving, obviously.

And you said, yeah, I said, Amanda, your wife going with you.

And you said, yeah, we wrote together.

And then you left.

And then about 45 minutes later, there was Amanda.

And I said, Jason, she's like, no, we came in separate cars.

I don't remember saying that.

I'm not saying that I didn't.

Well, wait.

You never know what stage of the gummy that you're getting.

Yeah.

Is that what happened?

It was deep into the gummies.

No, I just, I don't know what I'm saying when I'm leaving because I'm just trying to get

the hell out of there.

And not be like the dick that's saying goodbye and wrecking the thing.

I learned that from you though.

By the way, what time did you get there last night?

Late.

Sorry guys, we'll be right with you.

Jimmy, oh, you have mugs too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

By all the shit you want.

So Jimmy, you were on our show quite early on, not as early as you should have been,

which was a big bono contention.

But as we explained when you were on the show, the three of us, nobody knew who to add.

And it became one of those like, well, when are we going to, well, who's going to have

Jimmy on us?

It was quite late.

But you were on early and you were in early.

It's called being taken for granted.

Yes.

Yes.

We can always get Jimmy.

Let's take a swing at something.

You were an early listener and you were somebody you had a lot of notes.

I did, yeah.

I still do.

This interview, you're out here tonight.

We are interviewing you, but we really want to know what you think about our podcast.

Yeah, how we go.

So it's kind of about us.

Well, I will be happy to share my notes.

First of all, I love the podcast.

Honestly, no kidding around.

I love listening to it.

It's great because I have to say, I don't think you need guests.

I don't think that.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You need to be here.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Everybody, Jimmy, come on.

Exactly.

Good night, everybody.

I love hearing you guys bust each other's balls.

I love hearing the stories.

I love, oh, I love when you guys pretend to use the products and the commercials.

I love that.

I know Will's designing his own couch at home.

Yeah, of course, with all form, don't be a dick.

Did you know they make mattresses now?

Yes.

It's so crazy, right?

They're so comfortable.

Which one do I have?

I've got the organic hemp stuff with hay or something in it.

You fight with your daughter over the fake chicken McNuggets?

Yeah.

Did I say that?

Yeah, oh, yeah.

Listen, the checks are clearing you guys.

Do you?

Jimmy, I-

You know what, the truth, sorry, go ahead, John.

No, I was going to ask a real question.

Well, I just want to, just before we finish the commercial thing, it should be noted that

we actually do legit use, I'm not trying to buy back for the ad, for the advertising.

I'm really not, but we weirdly legitimately do use-

Yeah, three quarters of them.

I think it's fair.

Yeah, we won't say which ones we do.

Of course you do.

That would be foolish.

Of course you do.

Thank you.

Will designed these shoes on allform.com.

Enter smartlist 20 for a 20% discount.

Hey, hey, they like our ad reads.

Let me go tour the rest of the show, and this is not something we had planned, but I do have some thoughts on it.

Okay.

One of my favorite moments in the show is right at the beginning, one of you introduces his guest,

and the guest is sometimes fantastic, and sometimes, I mean, they're usually pretty good.

You know, they're at least usually pretty good.

Sometimes not so great.

But there is a moment where the person who brought the guest is all on board,

and the other two are deciding, there's two things going through, the other two's mind, which is,

number one, if the guest is interesting, oh, oh, oh, what were they in?

What am I going to say to this person?

And then the other one is trying to mask your disappointment.

So there's always like a moment of-

A lot of tension, and there's also, if you listen carefully, there's a Google search going on.

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

For sure.

I mean, sure.

You know, what are you going to do?

Well, we'll have the formula, what is it?

Formula 41?

Formula one?

Just one.

Just one?

Yeah.

Daniel Ricardo, which is a great episode.

Yeah.

Which is like, yeah, and I was like, oh, oh my God, Daniel Ricardo.

This is amazing.

Ricky Ricardo.

Oh, he graces cars.

Yeah, it was something like that.

The word car was right in his name the whole time.

I also believe that there's more that can be done, and I know you guys are all very busy,

but I think I would love to see a segment at the end of the show where you just take,

you read emails from your listeners.

Yes.

And then-

We talked about that.

Done.

Yeah, done.

We talked about that.

No, not necessarily.

Yeah.

But have you met people?

These are good people here.

I mean, look at this.

These people-

Yeah.

No, these people are good.

Good save.

Well, I think that was a good save.

How crazy is this?

I remember when you guys started this podcast, you were talking about it, and the big thing

was, most of the discussion was Bateman complaining about having to pay an editor to do this,

and he's like, you know, we got-

We're doing this on our own.

You know, we're funding this whole thing, and I'm thinking, what are they funding?

Zoom is free.

Yeah.

Microphones are $400.

Yeah.

And how much could you be paying the editor?

I mean, look at this merch.

I will say, you brought up a very good point.

The fellas that make this thing fly, and you should thank, right now-

Who are here tonight.

Who are here tonight.

Rob Arbniard.

Bennett Barbaco.

And Michael Grant Terry.

Stand up and sing.

Stand up!

Where are they?

Where are they?

Where are they?

You can't see them.

You can't see them.

They're here, though.

They're here somewhere.

Without them, we'd have nothing.

I like that we're like, put the house lights up together.

Fuck you.

Yes.

And we will be right back.

SmartList is supported by Rocket Money.

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All right, back to the show.

I wish I could tell, I know there's no such thing as a Netflix yet, but if there is one, one day.

Would you, would you, would you guest host this?

Oh, this is the best. This is my favorite part of the show.

The very, the longest questions in the world.

But not just the longest questions in the world, but also their multiple choice.

And, and sometimes they're answered within the question.

Yeah, absolutely.

And the multiple choices are not ABC and D, they are just A and B.

But what if...

Buckle up.

Could we, what about if I hosted your show for a week, while you did this for a week, then he did your show for a week, you did this.

Would you do this for three weeks, and we took turns doing this?

A hundred percent, of course.

Because I've, I've...

Are you sick of this already?

Nothing, nothing would make me happier than hosting your show for a week.

I, you, to me, you have the best job in the world.

Oh, really?

I've always wanted to do it.

We'll get you a week right now, if you'll commit to it.

Yes, a hundred percent.

Why don't we do Smartless Month?

Yeah.

Right?

Why not?

I would, I just, you just look like you're always having so much fun.

Yeah, really?

Honestly.

Do I really?

Look at this face.

Does this look like I'm having fun?

Is he not, like, so comfortable up there, and it's so nice to, like, sit there in bed late at night, you just kind of rock us to sleep, and we're out.

It's a compliment, I know, it's a compliment.

It's a compliment, yeah.

And I would take it as a, I would feel very touched if I didn't know for a fact that you are sound asleep at 9.45 every night.

I got one of those T-Vos.

You're right, he is a liar.

Yeah, he's a liar.

And, yeah, we should have known this from when you were a child actor.

We really should have known it.

No, no, you've been doing it for so, you've been doing your show for so long, and obviously...

Are you talking about Bateman or me?

No, you.

Oh.

And, and, and, I've heard rumors that you're going to be done in a year.

I've heard other rumors that you're going to do for seven more years.

Like, what, what are you feeling?

It looks like some news to me, right here, right now.

You know, it is funny how interested people in, in, on, like, when I'm going to leave already.

Because the three of us are very kind to take over.

No, because we hope, we hope you never leave.

Yeah, that's what people say, but I think it's like, like, if we were at just a party right now,

and you guys kept asking me when I was going to leave.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It would be weird.

Yeah.

And I feel like that all the time.

No, no, no.

Is this something you want to do forever?

What, what forever?

Your, your, your show, would you, would you do it for another,

for the same amount of time you've been doing it?

I, I want to die.

Talk very slowly.

I want to die.

Die on stage.

On stage.

You want to die on live TV.

Wouldn't that be the best?

I mean, the ratings would be tremendous.

The show, I mean, the show itself is pre-tape, right?

Yeah.

So what does ABC do if I die during the show?

Do they air it?

Do they run that night?

Yes.

Of course.

Sure.

And they see.

We want to see that.

Of course.

Yeah, they tease the hell out of it.

Wait, wait.

How are you dying?

Massive heart attack.

Sure.

Yeah.

Your chest just explodes at the desk.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

I think that if you can do it during sweeps, it'd be fantastic.

Oh, that would be great.

Yeah, the end of sweeps.

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

Well, what do they do?

I mean, I should probably like set this up like a will where I tell them what my wishes

are.

And if I were to die on the show, I once had an overdose of Advil on the show, where my

head, I know it sounds ridiculous, but it is possible.

What's that look like?

It looks like a pumpkin head.

It looks like your head expands.

Why were you taking it?

Because it's delicious.

Have you had an Advil?

You're like M&M's, you know?

They are.

They're candy coated.

There's a sweetness to them.

Yes.

And they have a magic power that makes you forget how many you've already taken.

Yeah.

Did you really have a bad reaction to it too many times?

I had a very bad reaction, and the show was live at the time, and so I started losing

my voice.

Kind of, I might be having it now.

I started losing my voice, and then my head started to swell up, and by the end of the

show my head was really big.

Come on.

And I was introducing Rick Springfield.

This was some time ago, and I've been on a long time now that I think of it.

Tracy doesn't even need to fill in on this, right?

She's got it.

Exactly.

I did it, and then I went directly to see her sign.

I took the hospital to the ER, and they were like, what did you do?

And I said, yeah.

You saw Sean there.

By the way, we did.

I have seen Sean at the ER.

Have you really?

Yes.

Yeah.

No.

You didn't know that?

No.

Yeah.

I took a friend of mine.

I took a friend of mine too.

Exactly.

We have a little double date.

We go to the ER with our friends.

The cafeteria is delicious, but yeah, I was sitting in a corner with my friend who was

sick, and you were standing up there, and I was like, Jimmy, and you were like, Sean,

and we're like, what's going on?

You're like, oh, I got to go.

I'm getting called in through your warm-up guy.

Yeah.

My warm-up guy was having a panic attack, and Thody was having a heart attack, so I had

to take him in his hospital.

So you took Advil.

And you had a friend there who was a famous person.

We shouldn't mention who it was.

Yeah.

They were like, you will anyway.

They paid a lot of good money, Sean.

Let's do it.

No, this person was staying with me, and I took her to the ER because she was having

diverticulitis.

Yeah.

Oh, right.

Right.

Dummy.

And I had a chat with the nurse, and I got you guys in.

Yes, you did.

By the way.

You know what the great thing is?

That's true.

The nurse let you cut ahead of some people who were very, were bleeding, and...

I just...

You know what I did?

I wasn't a big fan.

I looked at the room, I sized it up, I saw these bleeding guys, and I was like, what

are they going to really contribute to society?

It's Thursday night at one o'clock in the morning, and I mean, they're bleeding.

They were probably up to no good.

Let's get this woman in the room.

Yeah, this situation.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sean, how well do you know your way around?

See this?

Oh, like the back of my hand.

You do?

Absolutely.

Yeah, because I get...

Here we go.

You know what an atrial fibrillation is, right?

Where your heart goes like this.

Yeah, it's actually...

I don't know where we're coming from.

It goes like this.

And so I'm like Norm from Cheers.

I just go in there like, hey, Sean, come on right in.

And they put Propofall in, which is fantastic.

And then they...

They knock my heart back, and I go home, and it happens all the time.

They do that?

Yeah, they do that.

Yeah, one time it happened in New York, and they put me out, and I don't think they gave

me enough.

And I'm not kidding.

And I woke up, and I go, this is amazing.

Yeah, I thought it was the most incredible feeling in that moment.

Sean, do you have a nickname?

No, what would my nickname be?

Well, because I feel like I just came up with a great nickname for Sean.

Is it paddles?

It's paddles.

It's paddles.

I mean, come on.

It's so good.

Do they say clear?

I don't know.

I'm out.

I'm out.

Do you have a set of paddles at home?

No, no.

But I did say...

Maybe you said this on the package.

I don't know.

But I...

Yeah, so I...

But the last time I went, this is fascinating.

Forgive me if I already told you this.

I went in there, and this is unbelievable.

It never happened to me before.

I'm there and my heart is pounding, and I go...

I'm getting ready to go under, and the doctor says,

okay, it's going in your veins now.

I was like, oh, my God.

And I start shaking, which is a whole other story,

because I have a side effect, so I'm going like this.

Like a beef paddle shakes or something.

And so he's like, just try to relax.

I was like, okay.

And then the nurse goes, did you feel it?

And I go, what?

She goes, the procedure.

I'm like, what?

She goes, yeah, we already did it.

I'm like, what are you talking about?

I like transport.

I time traveled.

It was like 20 minutes.

I've never experienced that.

That sounds fantastic.

That's paddles for you.

Wow.

Hugging paddles.

That's classic paddles.

I was trying to work on a joggle like the first time

Babyn got laid that she was either like,

what, it already happened?

You know what I mean?

Like I...

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I was like, what?

It already happened?

You know what I mean?

Like I...

But I'm not...

I'm not doing that.

Speaking of Babyn getting laid.

I was not with you tonight.

Babyn getting laid.

I just want to say this.

I...

Jason Bateman might be the most interesting person I know.

Yeah.

I'm not joking.

Yeah.

But first of all...

I think my wife would disagree with that.

You hear little bits and pieces of the tales of the old days

which I was not around to witness.

But it's like, you know, it's like you did play Teen Wolf.

And it's like there was a...

Two.

Two.

Also.

Also.

Teen Wolf.

Like...

Yeah.

It was T-double-O.

It wasn't T-w-o.

It was also.

In a way, you are Teen Wolf because on, you know, you appear to be normal

and then there's this other guy who's this raging maniac, right?

Right?

Yes, right.

You never met the maniac.

I did meet the maniac, but I didn't know the maniac.

The maniac may have been doing something illegal backstage on the...

Oh, you did meet the maniac.

Yeah, I met the maniac.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

I just didn't know why the maniac was the maniac.

You understand what I'm saying?

I think so.

We got paddles and maybe Coke Wolf will be the character.

We'll be the character from now on.

But that aside, I mean, that's a whole thing just right there.

Oh, I remember that.

I was there that night, too, at Andy Dick.

Were you there that night?

Yeah.

Wait a second.

Yeah, Coke.

With you, dude.

Wait, are you being serious?

Yeah.

On my kid's life.

Yeah.

We went there together?

Sure we did.

We must...

We must dig up that clip.

I know.

Of your interview on the show that night and watch it together.

Yeah.

And perhaps do it on the podcast so others can enjoy as well.

It surprised me of the other time.

I think we've already told us on the podcast.

Did we talk about it the first time that I met Jason?

And he said...

No, second, we were doing the rest of the development.

And he's like, man, I wish we just...

This is when he was still partying.

He was like, I wish we had just partied together once now

because you don't party.

I wish we just partied together.

Because Will had shut it down.

I was still a year or two.

I would have been awesome when he partied.

I'd go, we did.

And he's like, what are you talking about?

Like five years ago, we went out.

We had a big night.

We were with a friend of a friend.

And he had done this show.

We had a big night.

And I remember he was so cool.

Because we went to this bar.

We got all hammered.

And then he like, not cool.

But he got in his car and he sped away.

And I was like, this guy's a badass.

He didn't give a shit.

He had a candle on his dashboard.

So bad.

He had a lit candle on his fucking dashboard.

Yeah, wait a minute.

What?

Wait.

I know.

Ask any questions you want.

Go ahead.

Why?

Yeah, why?

Why did you light a candle on your dashboard?

Were your headlights out?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I was driving a vehicle that had a dashboard that had a little cutout on top of it that

the screen put a regal candle on me.

That's incredible.

And that was just my roadie candle.

A fucking idiot.

And I would light that thing.

And it would be blazing on my dashboard while I'm driving when I shouldn't.

By the way.

So that the cops can see this dick's got a candle.

I got a pole.

It's so stupid.

Every night.

By the way, instead of mugs, instead of keychains, maybe dashboard candles.

That's the smart list.

There you go.

You sell a lot of those.

You're right.

That's a great idea.

So even the drugs aside, whenever I mention some weird random celebrity to Jason, it's

become like a game that I don't know that he knows I'm playing.

It's like a Bateman roulette.

He has a great story about everybody.

All the time.

And actually right before the show, we were upstairs and somebody mentioned that Jason

right now, just because he's, look, he's so handsome.

We love him.

And with his haircut right now, he's about to get a cut that he looks like Christie

McNichol.

Right.

And so of course, the obvious question is, as we're all laughing is, oh, by the way,

hey, Bayman, do you, do you know Christie McNichol?

That's a legitimate question.

He did it, but he admitted that he had a huge crush on her.

Yeah.

Huge as did we all.

And then he had a dream about it together.

He had a dream about her.

And then he went jogging with his dad that morning after his dream.

And he let his dad go ahead because as he was jogging, he was weeping.

It's like sixth grade.

Yeah, because I had it bad.

Cry.

Anyway, I don't know.

So now I grill my hair out like her.

No.

You went jogging with your dad?

Yeah.

I was that short.

I love that's your takeaway instead of the crying.

I don't know.

I'm trying to imagine myself jogging with my dad and I'm not seeing anything.

By the way, me too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wait, your dad, your dad did go jogging.

He just went in a straight line.

Still jogging.

Still jogging.

Still running.

Still running away.

I can't catch up to him.

So anyway, so he's got all these random people.

Yeah.

So I wrote down some names and I just figured I'd throw some by him.

Oh my god.

He's great.

Yeah.

No idea.

Mr. T.

I knew him pretty good.

Wait a minute.

Lay it out.

I don't know that.

You did?

He knew him pretty good.

No one knows him pretty good.

Not great.

Not great.

Well, the first place my head goes to child adult.

Why hanging out?

My mom became friends with Mrs. T.

She was really good.

She was tight with Mrs. T.

My mother became friends with some personal trainer.

She met on a plane.

She was a flight attendant and he was Mr. T's trainer.

And then Mr. T and I met and then we rekindled when he was

guesting on different strokes, which I was filming next door to.

And that was sort of fantastic.

You know, so that's that qualifies.

You know, I once I once saw Mr. T.

I was getting on a plane in New York to come here years ago and

there was like a jam up at the front door.

And it was because Mr. T and Flavor Flavor were talking in the

aisle really loudly.

It was incredible.

Is that true?

Yeah.

It was incredible.

He probably wanted to know what time it was.

Well, he pitied the fool.

He didn't know what time it was.

Go ahead.

All right.

Bill Cosby.

Be careful.

Pass.

No.

I knew him only from when he was starting the Cosby show.

We were in New York doing all the upfront sales for stuff.

Yeah.

I was on a show that was on NBC, Cosby's show was on NBC.

We were at the same table together and we talked and we had a good time.

Well, these are boring stories.

Yeah.

I don't have any dirt on Bill Cosby.

I didn't see any good stories.

I said he knows these people.

Oh, okay.

Wait, so did you did you know him for a long time or?

No, no.

No, no.

Okay.

One conversation, one table, a professional event.

Okay.

Next question.

What about OJ?

Simpson specifically.

No, but we were, I was at that Buffalo Bills game that where he was on the

sideline doing the reporting with the what he was wearing the shoes that they

zoomed in on.

And I was there because I was buddies with Jim Kelly at the time and he was

playing quarterback for the Buffalo Bills.

Yeah.

There's a good story there, but we don't have time.

Ronald Reagan, you ever meet Ronald Reagan?

I did not.

Oh, okay.

I was going to go wild.

I know.

All right.

Janet Jackson.

Oh, yeah.

I went to school with Janet Jackson.

Are you serious?

We went, we went to, we went to.

We're on the universal lot?

Close.

I went to, I went to this, this, this poor excuse for a school called Valley

Professional School where, where kids who are trying to make it in business and

show business go because it's only from eight to 12.

So you can go do auditions after 12.

And it was like in a mini mall deep in the North Valley.

And she went to school there.

I was some ice skaters went there.

And that was just before the following year.

I went to a school called Heartlight where.

Wheel Diamond School.

Turn on your heartlight.

And this school, this had nothing to do with Janet Jackson, but it's a good story.

This school was very progressive such that there were city days and country days.

And the country days, you went to this dude's house in Calabasas.

I had the greatest parents in the world, you guys.

So you go to this dude's house on Monday, Wednesday, Friday out in Calabasas and you

do some school.

You're like six kids in the whole school.

And on city days, you get onto this bus, a full school bus that the back half was

converted into school desks.

And the front half are regular seats because you would go and you'd visit all the cultural

sites in Los Angeles.

But because we're in Calabasas and the traffic is so bad, you can do school work in the

back of the bus on the way to these fucking things.

And I think we paid, my parents paid.

My mom paid and I paid for this shitty experimental school that wasn't accredited.

This is why I'm so stupid.

Listen to the schools I go to.

So did you and Janet hang out?

Were you friends?

We were pretty friendly.

That's nice.

She's great.

If you were to call her now, she would answer.

We'd have funny stories about Valley Professionals.

You would.

When was the last time you spoke to Janet Jackson?

It was sixth grade.

Really?

I think so.

Sean and I did an episode of Will and Grace with Sean and I played one of her background

dancers.

Yeah.

That was a good chance.

No, but Sean and I had a dance off.

Yeah.

How'd that go?

It was great.

Let's go.

No, God, no.

Let's go.

I don't remember.

Sean has so many.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Boom.

But you know what?

That was right after Nipplegate, right?

And so that was nice of her to come on because it wasn't the best time for her.

We'll be right back.

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And now back to the show.

Lucille Ball.

Oh, did you meet Lucy?

I did not.

Oh, I did.

How old do you think I am?

And then you're suggesting you were in school bus school together.

Never met Lucy.

Never.

Never met Lucy.

All right.

One more.

Yeah.

Hulk Hogan.

Never.

Never.

Wow.

You've disappointed everyone.

Sorry.

Let me just toss in the same area.

Lou Ferrigno.

Yes.

I have a story about Lou Ferrigno when you're done.

I played the Dodgers, the greatest baseball team in the history of sports.

Wait a minute.

Why would they be the greatest baseball team in the history of sports?

Wouldn't they just be the greatest team?

I haven't had a great education, Jimmy.

Oh, all right.

So the Dodgers have this great celebrity baseball game every year,

and I was lucky enough to play it in one year,

and I somehow closed my eyes and put the bat on the ball

and hit a gapper in the right center field.

Lou Ferrigno was playing right field,

and I hit it right past the sprinting Lou Ferrigno.

It hit the wall.

I hit it off Tony Danza, by the way.

And Lou threw a seed back into the infield.

There was a play at the plate.

I got it inside the park home run at Dodger Stadium.

It was pretty good.

Wow.

Wow.

But that's a legit Lou Ferrigno story.

You're telling me you hit a line drive into right field

and managed to get all the way home,

and there were no errors committed?

No.

Lou had real skills.

Now, Jonathan Silverman may have overthrown the home plate,

but did we give you that hat and that motel key chain?

I don't know if he gave it to me.

He was sitting in a pile in the room,

in the prison cell you had me in before I came out here.

Oh, everyone's so like, they can't see you.

If they see you, they cannot see you.

But meanwhile, back to the critiquing of the podcast.

OK, yeah.

There's this big mystery of who the guest is going to be,

and you know, it's like, oh, there's so much mystery.

Meanwhile, when we're listening,

the name's right there on the phone.

I know, but it's only a mystery to you guys.

It's not a mystery to us.

But that's kind of the fun.

There's no mystery for us.

Oh, there's no mystery for them, for us.

Yeah, right, for the listener.

Oh, yeah, for the people listening, there's nothing.

But for you guys, there's a real rush.

It's a really good point.

OK, OK.

Except on tour.

It's something that we...

I thought about that,

but what do you want us to do?

We can just take the name off.

Do you guys want us to take the name off so you don't know?

No, no, no, no.

No.

Fight it out. Fight it, guys.

No, wait, wait.

But it was an idea born of laziness,

and Will and I were trying to remember whose idea it was,

and you're saying it's yours.

I can't remember who it was,

but it was basically like...

It was yours.

Because we didn't want to do any prep.

You know, we just like...

If I don't know who it is,

then I'm going to ask really organic questions

as opposed to thinking them through.

Organic is a great word for it.

What does it mean?

It means all the time.

No, wait a minute.

You didn't learn that in a stoplight of...

You guys...

Hey, guys, we got...

This is a long light, so...

In World War II,

you guys vacation a lot together,

or not a lot,

but sometimes you guys vacation a lot.

We do.

Do you have any kind of crazy

Jason Bateman stories from vacation?

Crazy.

I mean, all he does is listen.

I'm going to take a lot of fire.

What about some funny stories about this guy?

I'm normal. I'm normal.

He's pretty normal.

Well, I mean, yeah.

I mean, there are certain things that...

I mean, it's interesting that you can be so tan

in December...

Oh, it's February.

In England.

In England under an umbrella.

And then you say you're not using

any kind of a tanning cream.

Not at all.

And to prove it,

and this is the best thing,

he makes us look at his feet.

You know what I feel like right now?

We're going to find some weird sex thing

about you that you're really into

showing women your feet or something.

No, yeah, yeah.

And we'll go, oh, yeah.

Makes sense.

He used to do that with the tanning thing.

And then even when we did the smart

podcast at the Orpheum,

he took off his shoe

and he quickly showed his foot to everyone.

He can't stop.

I legitimately don't do anything weird.

And I'm probably very sort of boring in that way.

And yes, you show the feet

because people who get spray tan,

and I know some people who have had it done,

I'm not going to say Justin Thoreau on the stage.

Why would I fucking say it?

Because then he's going to hear about it

and he's going to be mad.

So I'm just like,

not going to say it, not on the show.

And you can see streaks on your feet.

Yeah, like full Giuliani on your body.

He's got to say, you'll never catch Justin Thoreau

in the rain.

You'll never see a photo of him in the rain.

Can't do it.

But I've gotten to the point now

where people say you're tan

and I just say thank you.

Oh.

But I have like a real farmer's tan now.

So it's like a golfer.

Oh yeah, you're a real farmer.

I know.

Like a gentleman farmer.

I was thinking,

what was I thinking about?

You said one of your stories.

Rick Springfield.

Yeah.

Did I tell you guys,

did I tell the story on the show

about maybe thinking of Bruce Springsteen?

Did I tell you about meeting Bruce Springsteen?

No, everybody confused.

Yeah, he even made a song about it.

So this is years ago.

I was in New York at Barney's on like a Wednesday.

This whole clothing store on the Upper East Side of New York

at like 11 o'clock on a Wednesday.

There was nobody up there.

And I see Bruce Springsteen in there.

Oh yeah.

Clothes shopping.

And he's not obviously going to try stuff on

in the change room.

He's just got like a pile on the counter.

But he's just going to take it all home with him.

And then I guess send back whatever he doesn't like

or doesn't fit or whatever, right?

So legitimately, just the two of us.

So he puts it on there.

And then there's a guy working at the counter

and sees and Bruce Springsteen says,

hey, can I just, I just want to put this on my account.

That's a great Bruce Springsteen.

Thanks, man.

Thank you.

If I close my eyes,

it's like I'm at the store with you.

And he says,

and the guy goes,

and the guy goes, no problem.

And he grabs the phone and he goes,

no, no.

And he goes,

I've got Rick Springfield here.

True story.

And I was just behind Springsteen as this happens.

And he goes, Rick Springfield,

and Bruce, to his credit,

Springsteen goes, it's Bruce Springsteen.

And the guy's like,

I mean Bruce Springsteen and then hangs up

and then he was any kind of laughter.

He turned to me and he just said,

my kids would love it.

It's fine.

The guy was so fucking mortified.

Wow.

Got all the clothes for free.

It was a great moment.

Great moment.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

And that's what closed Barney's.

Yeah.

That's what it done.

That story closed Barney's.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now you're having us over tomorrow

for Super Bowl.

Very nice of you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thank you.

You used to have a lot of football gatherings

every weekend.

Why did that stop?

Did Molly get pissed off?

No, no.

Actually, my cousin Sal, who is,

who kind of organized the whole thing,

took mercy on me

because I was spending the whole day Saturday

preparing for the Sunday.

Me and you cook.

Because Jimmy cooks everything.

The most incredible cooks ever.

And then Sunday would be me feeding those animals.

Right.

And this went on for like 11 years

and finally he's like,

this is enough.

This is too much for you.

So you like cooking for that many people.

Don't you like maybe taking a break

and having somebody cook for you?

Like do you always do that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yes.

Sometimes I go to restaurants even.

What do we, what do we,

what do we got tomorrow?

What are you cooking up tomorrow?

Tomorrow smoked pastrami,

smoked chicken wings.

My mother's making a vegan chili.

The greatest mother.

I'm making a big sandwich

that has grilled zucchini

and melted cheese and arugula on it.

Ribs.

We do part of that with no zucchini in the sandwich.

Yeah.

Can you take the zucchini off?

Just if I can make a request.

Yeah.

No problem.

Just on a quarter of it.

Yeah.

Now it's half of that marinating right now.

Like did you prep today?

I grilled the zucchini today.

Yeah.

Okay.

You toss it out.

You toss it out.

I learned.

Wait, but what,

who makes the,

I'd have never even heard of a zucchini.

Look at how mad you are.

Why are you so mad?

He gets so mad.

Because who's use of a zucchini sandwich?

You know why?

Because he's hungry.

He needs popcorn.

What?

He's never heard of a zucchini sandwich.

That's terrible.

But you know how, look,

look, he gets so,

he hasn't had anything to eat

for like 45 minutes.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

My blood sugar's dropping.

First of all.

I want to get him some food.

Great.

Because I made it for you,

number one,

because you eat like a princess.

Yeah.

I'm going to have,

I'm going to,

I'm going to go outside my comfort zone.

Do you want me to get you some popcorn?

No, I had a bunch of,

I'm not going to crap for a week.

Let's get some popcorn.

Can we get some popcorn?

Can we get some popcorn?

Can we get some popcorn?

Maybe some popcorn.

Maybe some popcorn.

Let's get some popcorn.

Let's get some popcorn.

Thanks, man.

Thank you, honey.

Oh, this is great.

Thanks so much.

Just bring it right over here.

Thank you.

This is a good friend of ours.

Hold on.

Who's that?

Wait.

Jennifer Aniston.

What?

What?

Here you go.

Go this way.

Now, we're talking to this one.

Looking a little snacky, JB.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's looking snacky.

Give me your shoes right now.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

You want my shoes?

I can, no, because then I'll have to be,

then I'll be shoeless.

Yeah.

No streaks.

Yeah, but there's zero tan on those feet.

Zero tan on the feet.

Okay, yeah, I don't need it.

Jennifer Aniston.

Jennifer Aniston.

Oh my god, Janet.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

I thought I heard that laugh backstage.

Janet, will you grab me a sparkling water, please?

By the way, it's so funny because it was very nice

and you guys applauded when I came out

and when these guys came out and it felt like real enthusiasm.

It definitely made me feel good.

And then Jennifer Aniston comes out and you're like, oh,

wear a bunch of fucking slugs.

The best.

The best.

There you go, buddy.

All right, so I'm gonna go outside my comfort zone tomorrow.

I'm gonna have ribs.

Yeah.

I'm gonna have, what else?

What else is off the cow?

You're not gonna have any of these things.

So let's be honest.

You're gonna sit there and pretend to be eating.

No, no.

So you can imagine.

To be fair, what about last night?

I mean, I was just a shit pig last night.

I put everything in me last night.

I, yeah.

If you're videoing this illegally,

please put that, just that clip on the internet.

I put everything in me last night.

Thank you.

And then follow it with, do I have 2B?

Yeah.

Hey, you wanna know what?

Yeah.

This is true.

We told some other people before.

2B, since December, this is not a joke, has gone up 40%.

Yeah.

It's true.

It's true.

What's 40% on 2B?

It's like eight people.

Who's gonna win the game tomorrow, Jimmy?

Oh, I don't know.

Wait, wait.

Do you know who's playing tomorrow?

Of course I know who's playing.

Who?

Well, the bangles and the ramps.

All right, good.

Or as everyone says all the time,

the bangles and the ramps,

as if Susanna Hoff's in the game.

Yeah, yeah, I was gonna say.

Are taking on Matt Stafford.

I mean, it's ridiculous.

Bangles and jaguars.

Those are the two things that,

I'm just make every error on my body stand up

when I'm watching football.

I wanna get back to Bateman's eating for one second.

Yeah.

And that is the title of his new book,

Jason Bateman Eating for One Second.

When we're on the road,

the food shame was off the charts.

Oh, really?

Oh, constantly gauging.

What are you having?

What are you eating?

I'm not gonna have that now.

It's way too late with the, it was crazy.

Yeah.

Right, John?

Yeah, and then he eats.

Nightmares, if I have it too late.

You eat too late, Gia, did the demons come?

He's the king of like,

hey, I'm gonna order some dessert.

I'm not eating any dessert, three, two, one.

What do you got there?

Yeah, yeah.

You started, I finished it.

He just used that term.

He said, he was doing the ordering

for the room service.

We all stayed in the same room on tour, every city.

It was such a mistake.

And,

and every night, and so Jason's ordering dinner one night

and he's taking the order from all of us

and then he goes, he's got the person on the line

and then he goes, and he turns to the shot and goes,

what do you want, shit pig?

And the person, like imagine, is like,

what the fuck is going on there?

He's eating with a woman.

And I'm like, I said, I'll have the spare ribs

and he goes, yeah, the pig will have some spare ribs.

It's all good fun.

It is all good fun.

See, you couldn't resist the popcorn, huh?

No, I can't.

I love it so much.

Skinny Pop, the best popcorn in the world.

Where's the camera?

Where's the camera?

Not a sponsor.

Speaking of fun, Jimmy, it's been so fun having you.

Thank you for coming.

Jimmy!

That's it, it's over.

Jimmy, come on!

No, no, I'm fine.

I'd like to watch the rest of the show.

We love you, we thank you, you're the best.

Wow, thanks.

I know, you know what?

Thank you for doing it.

I appreciate it.

I appreciate all of you for coming here tonight.

And I also want to make one more comment

about the show.

Yeah, go ahead, go ahead.

Thank you, Jen.

You guys can't do the rest without shoes?

Go ahead, Jimmy, yeah.

No, I love the show.

I'm glad that I feel like it's so exciting

to see all these people come to see you guys do this,

which really came out of just a very private conversation

between the three of you and then sometimes really good

and sometimes not so good guests.

And it is, I'm so happy for you

and I hope you guys are appreciative of the magic

that this is because it is a wonderful thing.

These people are here.

And to hear the dismissive way you talk about them

off the air is just, I just find it offensive.

I know, me too, when I tell them all the time,

I find it very offensive.

I'm with you.

But these are the best.

Yeah, these are the best.

They're the best, yeah.

Thank you, buddy.

Thanks, guys.

Thank you for having me.

Thank you, everybody.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, everybody.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Keep it going.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, nice going.

Really nice going, right?

We just wanted to, it was so fun having somebody

who's important to us out here for the last night.

You guys are here at the last show of the tour.

Yes, thank you.

Thank you for being here.

I've said it to Jimmy's face on his show.

I said all the time that he's one of the kindest.

He really is everything you think he is.

He's one of the kindest, most generous people

in the business and we all love him.

It's something you should know.

He said, if any of our guests dropped out on this tour

all over the country over this last week, week and a half,

he says, I will get on a plane and I will fly there

and I will sit down.

I swear to God, true story.

And yeah, he jokes around a lot, but he does really have,

he's just got such a squishy sort of center.

And he's always the first, he really does.

He's like the guy who will just always offer to help

or do what, it's amazing.

On top of being incredibly hilarious

and just super, super good.

And a gorgeous hard candy shell on the outside.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Back to food.

So.

Yeah.

You gotta get that looked at.

But anyway, so thank you guys so much.

I mean, it's just been incredible, a lot.

No, I feel Sean thinking right now.

There's a fucking smoke coming out of his ears.

Trying to work on, you know what he's trying to do.

No, you see.

I just wish, you know, I just wish

we could have spent more time with Jen, you know.

Yeah.

But she was so nice to be here.

Get out here.

Get out here.

Come on.

Come on.

Yeah.

Come on.

I wanna do this.

Just say, just say hi.

Just say hi.

Hi everybody and thank you for coming.

Hi, hi everybody.

Thank you for coming.

And if you were.

Okay, I think this has been really a lovely,

lovely evening.

And I wish I could just come up with something,

something sort of, something to say.

Something really simple.

Something like what?

Something to say at the end or something.

Something.

Oh, we like, like, good bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, L.A.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

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