SmartLess: Introducing: Bad Dates with Jameela Jamil

Hello smarties look, I'm gonna be honest with you before I met my husband Scotty

I've been on a lot of bad dates

We've all had them and now it's time to laugh at them smart less media is doing our very first

Podcast yeah called bad dates with the amazing incredible Jamila Jamil

And are you well tell tell the listener what?

Basically what it's about beyond what the title says. It is relatively self-explanatory

It's just me and some of my favorite

Comedians and people coming on to disclose the sordid details of the

Silliest and weirdest and grossest dates they've ever had and the reason I love this subject is because it's very bonding

It never fails to ignite a conversation wherever you are

It brings bound like barriers down

But also if there's just a democracy to it because it just doesn't matter how hot you are how smart how rich how famous

No one is exempt from a shitty fucking day

but I would I would guess that you have never had a bad day because you seem to know how to

Communicate in any way possible to make it all work like you can be you can answer the questions or you can or you can ask the questions

Like yeah, there's don't only at a donor know how to do one

It comes to a standstill when I am I'm not going to say aroused

But when I'm interested all of my skills fly out the window and really like I have no way of I have no way of

receiving a sort of social cue so really you have to be inside of me for me to understand that you're interested

Given the current climate that's not appropriate

You're saying if you like the other person you start to lock up a little bit. I complete

I should I lock up and I shut down. Yeah

That's it's a problem with Charlize Theron. He can't

You don't need to go wide with that. No, she knows don't worry

She's she's aware. Well, we all have that with Charlize. They're like, have you had a favorite guest yet on bad dates at all?

I mean anybody and come to mind who could you be hinting at I don't know

So and you've been a wonderful guest

Oh, give us give us give us a taste Sean. What was your I don't want to ruin it

But it starts out with me meeting a guy in a bar with workout pants in a bar

And we're both super drunk

We go back to his place and he before we get to the goods part of the story

He asks can I do mind if I microwave a burrito really quick because we're at it. That's where they got not a euphemism

I would have loved to have said you cool if I shower real quick before we keep talking

Yeah, it was it was a real dream she almost on with Conan O'Brien. We've had Tig Notaro. We've had Nikki Glaser

Conan's been on a date

Yeah, and it was a disaster thankfully so he came on the show to talk about it

But it is just like it is quite astonishing how much I've learned about a lot of very famous people and also

Just how many people have shit their pants on a date?

I don't know if any of you have have literally shit their pants. It's actually like it is it's the great equalizer

The asshole is the great equalizer of humanity, and I think it's been overlooked politically

We've uncovered it on the show

Fascinating I want to hear all about that. I am tuning in. Oh, by the way, you just got Jason's attention the dates and the hooking up

No, it's fine, but once you get into the short

Bowels of the story wheelhouse Sean am I right? Yeah. Oh, could you call the show shit show? I

Basically should but I mean there are varieties on on what we're learning on the show

But it is just I just want people out there to know that you are you are not alone

If you think you are like the stories are so wild and so funny and so absurd and we're not shitting on single life

God knows married life is fucking its own nightmare, but we're just trying to like have an intimate funny conversation about something

I think is deeply relatable my story amazingly didn't involve any shit

But I've had my own like extraordinary disaster Sean. I've told you the story before but yes

I can share it with you if you want an idea

How much disaster is out there I am I tried to have my first ever one-night stand because I've only kissed six people right

Come on doesn't but it is sadly true. I started very late, and then I I was slow on the uptake

and so I

Thought you know what in my 30s

I'm gonna have my ho era that I've always dreamed of it's gonna happen and I I

Got the sense that I was about to have my first ever booty call a man that I'd been sort of casually going on a few days

So just hanging out with we hadn't done anything yet. He

texted me and said

Do you like shall I come over and I was like oh 11 p.m. I'm definitely going to get my first

See you can even hear what's happening to my voice just talking about it

Suddenly become like a bit more like Mary Poppins about the whole thing

Oh my god, I'm gonna get a casual shag. It's so exciting

So he turns up at my house 11 p.m. On the door walks into my apartment

I've only been a living in America for a week at this point, right? So I don't know anyone or anything and

And he takes three steps in and collapses face first on the ground and all of his front teeth

We're talking at least 12 here shoot out of his mouth

Across my entire living room. So now there is blood and teeth all over my room and he's having a seizure

So I've never seen someone have a seizure in real life before and I panic. I think he's gonna die

I call 9-1-1 which is also slightly exciting because I'm English and they call that in the movies

So I feel very Hollywood right now. I call 9-1-1. They they send in the

Fucking police turn up the fire brigade the paramedics. Everyone comes rolling into my house

I now have about 25 men in my apartment, which is not how I'd expected

This man is covered in blood. He's he's he's split his chin all the way open and

And they're trying to resuscitate him. They managed to bring him to and they're like, excuse me sir

Like, you know, have you taken anything?

Do you have epilepsy and he's like, oh, I might have had some cocaine, but he was like, but I always have cocaine and I was like

Oh, it's a small red flag. It's not a huge one. It's a little it was just I think the word always

At his age felt slightly disturbing wasn't gonna be a short date

No, exactly. And then they were like if you take in anything else and he's going no

And he's trying to treat like this because he's got no teeth now

Oh, and so they start putting the blanket over him to take him out and as they go past his cock

He gets a raging erection which feels inappropriate

And then I said, have you taken anything else right and he turns around and he looks directly at me and makes full eye

Contact and just goes I am that have had some Viagra

Which is I might have had some Viagra

Who don't speak toothless

So that's a combination you don't want. Yeah, so then you hook up. So quickly sucked him off

Yeah, he got carried out in

On a stretcher in the middle of West Hollywood of quite famous actor

So we had to put a blanket over his cock, but also one over his face

And he's just there's just like pitching a tent through West Hollywood as he gets taken to the hospital. So that was

That was my first and last attempt at a booty call and have been in a long-term relationship

Since a week from that day

I can't believe Thoreau has never told us this story

That is what can happen I know see I live for those kinds of stories and you can see

You know how everybody has one or two or five or ten of these horrible

Ask her if she's ever forgotten a line on stage, you know, yeah any weird

Hey, give me a really horrible theater story. They do. Yeah

You have to tune into smart list for that one

But for all bad date stories tune in so I'm about to play a clip from bad dates with comedians Wendy McClendon

Covey Paul Feig and Thomas Lennon while you're listening follow bad dates on amazon music

Or wherever you get your podcast download the amazon music app today

So I see this this sad little kitty cat sitting on the coffee table

This is the Jeff Dahmer story

I go over to the kitty because I love cats and I'm like, oh

Kitty hi kitty and I pick it up and the guy goes no no no

No, don't pick up the cat. It might shit himself because it's very old

He's very sensitive and it might shit everywhere. So just just leave him alone. And he's on the dinner table

Okay

He was on the coffee table next to the air of course

The cat is left over el torito also

I mean it's the cat's been living on whatever came back from el torito

Yeah, so um

We sit down for dinner. It's steak piccata, which I've never had before and wow what a what an involved recipe

I'm very impressed. It smells great. It's delicious. Okay. So now I feel like

Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom

Where's your bathroom? Oh, it's down this long dark hallway and to just go down to the very end

And it's on the left. Okay. We're all shaking our heads violently. Okay. Just a little further a little further

A little further a little further

So I go down the the dark hallway and I open the bathroom door

And I try to shut it, but it won't shut. Oh, no

But I'm like, well, I'm all the way down at the end of the hallway. Oh, no. No, I'm just gonna go for it

This'll this'll be quick. That's every horror movie I've ever seen

Every horror movie ever

So I'm

On the turlet. I'm doing nothing

And the door opens wide open because little rickety cat pushed it open with his face

Walked up to me and maintaining eye contact with me shits on

The bathroom rug next to its litter box

Okay, I don't know about anyone else, but I'm I'm aroused

Yeah, well, of course you are. How could you not be?

So I'm looking at this cat and I'm looking at what the cat's doing and I'm like, he's gonna think I did that

But I also don't feel like I should pick this up because I don't feel like this is my responsibility

So I'm just gonna act like it didn't happen

And let's let's finish this up because the door is wide open

Okay, and again, this whole exchange took about 30 seconds, but it felt like an hour and a half

So I walk back down the dark hallway

Again, it's very dark in this house

And I see kitty sitting in the corner and I'm like damn it. I am gonna make friends with this cat

So I'm I'm down

On my hands and knees going kitty

Come on kitty

Little kitty. Oh sweet kitty and the guy's looking at me like what are you doing? Well, I was talking to a cat-shaped pillow

That had the same markings as the rickety little kitty

Was this an actual cat shape for them because I know it's a new thing is that people are stuffing their dead cats

Are we clear on what that was? Stuffing dead cat was a new thing. Okay, fine

But by the way, I'd like to point out he's on a podcast right now. You kind of you kind of cut out on me there

What did you say? I was like was it actually a pillow was it?

You know, there's a new trend of people stuffing their cats after they find so it really was a pillow

Okay, it really was a pillow

And he saw me

Talking to this cat pillow

Then he goes down he goes down the long dark hallway to the bathroom and said oh my god

There's shit on the carpet. I'm so sorry and I said well, yeah

He did that right in front of me. I'm sorry. I didn't want you to think I did it

But I I didn't know what to do. So I just left it. He goes. Oh my god. I'm so embarrassed

Okay, well, all right, let's go back to the steak piccata. It's fine. Whatever animals do what there's what they are gonna do

All right, so we're we're eating. We're having a great conversation. All of a sudden

I'm like, okay. I gotta go. Bye

I very abruptly because I thought I was gonna shit my pants. This steak piccata is not sitting well

Okay, so he's poisoning the cat is what I'm getting from this

Or he's in some really weird stuff or he's poisoning me. I don't know

It's just a buttery. There's a lot of butter in a lot of capers and it's a little yeah

Yeah, it was one of those things having a caper

Yeah, the caper caper. It's a caper caper happening in your in your entrance. You're colon the colon great colon caper caper

It's a great colon caper. Yeah, so

To just drag this story out even longer

I'm about to shit my pants all over my adorable outfit

All right, and it was I gotta tell you it was 1993. I looked good

For all bad date stories tune in. Yes bad dates. When when do when do we get to start airing these things?

So March 28th, it'll be on Wondery plus an Amazon music and then March 27th. It'll be on all services

and you can just sit back relax and

And enjoy the truly horrible tales of some people's dating experiences

It's just amazing what we'll go through to get a shag, isn't it? Oh and uh, hey prime members

You can listen to bad dates wherever you get your podcasts or early and add free on amazon music

Download the amazon music app today

Machine-generated transcript that may contain inaccuracies.