The Therapy Crouch: Holiday Ep Pt 2

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When you hear these undercover agents tell you about the training they have received,

the most remarkable thing is that some of them actually say,

you should be a little better, because it is like when you sit over and get people

that look good, then you are also more likely to get the time to tell them.

Come sit up for a story with Dato, TV2's daily news podcast.

I'll be lying there on the beach next to me, talking.

And then I just hear,

Dad, no one likes your jokes, only you.

Oh, I feel your pain, honey.

Hello.

So, we're back for another sunny episode of The Therapy Crouch.

It's me, Abby Clancy.

Me, Peter Crouch.

And I just need to apologise, because every time we record our podcast,

whether it's in the UK or abroad, there's always some kind of drilling going on in the background.

And, you know, that's not our fault.

It's bizarre, isn't it?

It's like when we start to record, it's like this constant noise.

I know, all we could hear before was beds, you know, the kids playing in the pool.

And then it's like, come on, guys, let's get to it.

And then it's like...

And madness, isn't it?

Madness.

So, yeah, we're...

So what have we been up to, babe?

So we're still on holiday.

You know, we're just building ourselves up to get, you know, back into the swing of things,

school, starting, kids are going to a new school, you know, busy, busy, the schedule's already

filling up.

So we're just enjoying the last week of family holidays.

But, you know, it's not always as plain sailing.

Like last night, for example, we went for that lovely meal, the most incredible setting

I'm going to set the scene.

Yeah.

It's like three, probably like four, five hundred year old olive trees, beautiful white table

cloths, candlelit dinners, beautiful food, and our kids just being in pain.

But we were kind of delirious at this point and just winding them up and they were all

crying, weren't we?

Yeah, winding them up, you know, like, I can't even remember what we said to one guy.

I've got this like blonde hairspray stuff, which kind of lightens your hair in the sun.

I'm familiar with it.

I've put it in you before us.

But the kids have been using it like thinking it's like a spraying conditioner.

So now their hair is like peach, orange and blonde tie dye and it just looks ridiculous.

So we had a bit of a family.

We were laughing at the hair yesterday and they all started crying in the restaurant.

You're brought, you know, in kids to tears.

Yeah.

I don't know why we did that.

I think we just had enough at this point.

Tired.

They've been good.

They've not been bad.

No, they've been so good.

We're slowly getting out of it now, I feel.

Jack's four.

The armbands are off now.

He's swimming, kind of, you can sit in restaurants.

Yeah.

I feel like we're almost there.

Till the next one.

We're out the woods.

Out the woods.

Till the next one, hon.

Good luck to him.

My ovaries are screaming at him.

Would you have another one?

I would.

I would.

You'd have five kids.

Sadist.

Jesus.

I was at sadist.

It's not, it's like kind of five.

Tell me what I can do.

Yeah.

You can.

Absolutely ridiculous.

No, I miss the baby phase, just, you know, seeing Jack fall and sleep on the couch and

the length of him.

It's like the whole length of the couch.

I'm like, how did that happen?

They just grew up so far.

I'm sure.

Trying to be sentimentally.

That's what every mum and dad says, like, they do, though.

It's true.

They do.

Oh, yeah.

Sophia said to me the other day, it's about embarrassing her.

She said to me, dad, no one likes your jokes, only you.

Oh, she said, she said something like...

Your jokes aren't funny.

She was crying.

And you laugh at them?

You laugh at them yourself?

You laugh at them so much.

It's just true.

I do laugh at them.

She thinks I am highly embarrassing.

You know, we love doing, like, when we get up to leave a restaurant, me and Pete love,

like, dancing out like that.

Stop!

You know...

So easy to wind up.

So easy to wind up.

So funny, like, really go...

Remember when we were, like, we were driving to swimming, we were going...

We came in with all the windows down and saying to Sophia, before the gala,

say you're a swim warrior.

She was going, no, she was laughing.

We were going, she's a swim warrior!

Coming into the gala.

Beeping the horn like that.

We've arrived!

The champ's in the car!

We got the champ.

You might as well all go home.

She was, like, dying in the car.

Oh, my God.

So much fun.

Surely that's a parent's right, though, to humiliate the kids.

My mum used to drop me off at Everton, like, Goddison.

She used to wind the windows down as we were pulling off.

Blast Tina Turner, simply the best, like, your funeral song.

My funeral song?

Your funeral song.

My funeral song.

Literally, I'd have to get out the car.

The fans looking at me, it's a f*****g kid.

Everton fans, that's dodgy.

It's a dodgy ground anyway, isn't it?

Rev luck.

I'm only joking.

Oh.

My fellow scousers.

I remember when I was going to GoFundTime and I said,

I put, like, all the undergarments on,

like, the long johns and the skin.

Yeah.

And underneath my, obviously underneath my golf kick,

it's freezing.

But I came down with that on, as if it's, like,

proper light crust and stuff, and said,

I can't feel you.

I've got time to, um, to put on the rest of my, uh,

the golf gear.

I was just going to tell you, like, to school.

Horrified.

Oh, my God.

Like a cyclist.

Yeah, like a...

Imagine me.

A bicycle in Lycra.

I was going, come on, babe.

I'll put my...

A bicycle.

A bicycle.

I'm going to train as long as I can.

Go on, babe.

We'll just quickly go now.

I said, I won't get out.

It's like, when she wouldn't let you drop her off

because you were too tall.

Yeah.

She said, you can't get out of the car

because you're too tall, Dad.

Oh, that's savage, Dad.

That is savage, innit?

I'm poor, innit?

You've got tall shame.

Tall shame.

And then the worst thing is,

she told me to come in on the next day,

because all the boys, um,

obviously, like, knew football, whatever,

and they were, like, wanting to...

So then I was like, I'll come in, Dad.

Wanted to piece you in?

I was like, oh, you've changed your tune.

Funny.

Too tall yesterday.

You in Lycra, though.

The thoughts, that is.

The thoughts of it.

It's not right.

It is so funny.

It's not right.

It's not right.

But it was fun.

But you wear my gym leggings?

Yeah, I've got what I have done.

By accident.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're obviously a bit...

Come down in my adenola leggings.

I'm like, what the hell?

She'll see my arse.

Your arse looks great.

Yeah.

It's sensational.

Did you get any wines?

I've got one.

You know, when, like the other day, I remember,

I was just lying there,

and you were standing up in the kitchen

next to the front door.

The front door went, and you ran outside

and said, Pete, the front door's going.

So you must have gone past the front door to tell me that.

I know, but...

For me to get up.

Is this broad daylight as well?

Yeah, broad daylight.

Yeah, it's like, yeah.

What difference does that make?

To be honest, I don't like a knock on my door

after 9pm.

I refuse that.

Who the hell would be knocking on your door at 9pm?

Exactly, exactly.

That's why I wouldn't answer it.

That's a good point.

Unless I've ordered food.

Security.

Yeah.

As I said,

who the hell would be knocking on my door at 9pm?

Who's that knocking on the door?

Ring the bell.

Someone's knocking on your door.

Someone's ringing your bell.

What song's that?

That's the postcard lottery.

Yeah, it is.

Wings, innit?

Oh, I've got a wings jumper.

I know, we've seen that.

What are your thoughts on that?

Why can't you just open the door?

For that reason,

you should never know who it is.

It could be a robber.

Is that the reason?

I need some masculinity to open the door.

Need some powerhouse guns to answer the door.

I've got you, babe.

Don't worry.

I'll take care of that.

I don't want to talk to anyone while I'm on holiday.

Even do I?

Do we do enough talking in our day-to-day life?

Certainly do.

You know, we've had some lovely family time,

like sitting around the pool playing articulate.

Yeah.

Scabby Queen.

What's Scabby Queen?

It's a card game.

You know, we take all the queens out,

you leave one queen in.

Oh, OK.

And then you get all the pairs,

and you just get left with the scabby.

Cheese days.

Scabby happy.

It always ends up in murder.

Scabby happy.

Because if the kids get left with the Scabby Queen,

they're like just bursting to tears.

They're like trying to play next game.

Great game, though.

That's been nice.

We were, you know, put the iPads away.

Get the old cards out, Articulate for Kids,

which we were...

We smashed our kids.

We are good.

We absolutely smashed them.

We are good at Articulate Junior.

We are Articulate Chams,

adult and junior, aren't we?

And we're like,

Jon tried to compete at Christmas.

We just demolished him.

Did you hear?

Jon just cheats.

We were winning,

and these were about five points behind us,

and we had our go,

so we were easily going to get one answer.

So these decided to throw the board off the table

and said,

the game's over.

You didn't get the last point,

so you didn't win.

That was the last time we played.

Christmas is carnage, innit?

Christmas is carnage in our house.

I remember Ellie brought a boyfriend for Christmas one year.

Scott.

Ginger Scott.

We talked about him a lot on this part.

Shout out.

Shout out, Scott.

Scotty.

He still hasn't proposed, by the way.

And it was like his first year meeting the family,

and my mum told him to fuck off us.

It was madness.

It gets so raucous, doesn't it?

So heated.

So heated.

But John, with regards to that story,

that was an absolute lie,

because when we were playing, you were...

You know, when you're trying to describe

the things that you need to describe from the card,

like talking over it, you can't do that.

What did you say?

Repeat that.

Speak loud, like trying to sabotage us.

I used to talk about it a year before anyway,

that something like that did happen.

It wasn't like that, but...

Whatever.

For the last year...

If it's like basketball,

all our John's like rhymes,

which smash, cut, small.

You just can't do that, John.

Seein'.

Can ya?

Can't.

So my weekly whine is that...

I'll be lying there on the beach next to me, talkin'.

And then I just hear...

You know, as soon as you lie down, you snore.

I don't know how you can snore like that,

and everyone was looking at it,

thinking it was like a bloody drill.

Combine Harvester, then along the beach.

Literally, the noise out of you is phenomenal.

It's like, obviously, when you're on holiday,

you have a few drinks, like late nights,

get quite tired, you're up early with the kids,

full on, innit?

You lie on the beach and you're just like...

Combine Harvester.

But, you know, it was a mad one,

because I woke myself up,

and then I went, oh, well, and then I'm in public,

and I thought, oh, I was quite self-conscious.

But that ability you have to snore

within minus 0.03 of a second

is phenomenal.

Well, I'd have us cut like that as well.

I'd be like, talkin' to you one second, then gone.

I love the thoughts about me just chatting away to you

on the beach like that, thinking you listened to it.

What do you think, Pete?

So it all starts with a...

A yawn through my nostril.

God. But I'm used to it.

You know, it's just something you do to me, never listen.

That's not true. We've talked about this on...

Say that again?

We've talked about this on the pub before.

You know, it's just there's so much information,

like relentless stuff.

Like, you can't...

It's physically impossible to take it all in.

She gets the audience ones.

All right.

Hey, my partner snoozes his alarm...

Hey.

My partner snoozes his alarm for over an hour every morning.

Snoozes an alarm for an hour?

An hour?

I don't go back to sleep until the ninth minute.

Then, boom, ten minutes snooze kicks in.

I'm 15 weeks pregnant and tired as fuck.

Meanwhile, he snores throughout his alarms

and turns them off mid-snow.

Why do men do this?

I know my lovely partner is not the only one.

Thanks.

I can't remember the last time I used an alarm.

Because you've got me.

What?

Well, I'll set my alarm. That's why.

No, because I wake up.

We wake up at, like, 6am.

Naturally. Naturally, we wake up early, Pete.

You can't say we don't.

And then the only time I set my alarm is if...

It's, like, a 5.30 job.

Yeah. Like an airport.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I hate an alarm. It just puts you in a bad mood, doesn't it?

Do you know what is certain alarms that...

What's that?

Why would you do that?

Wake up with anxiety, instantly.

It's like...

Oh, my God.

I can't do that one.

That one.

Oh, my God.

Thankfully, your listening experience will be incredible.

Before we explain why we've moved inside,

what are your thoughts on the Mambo as a feature, really?

Should we just put this into a bit of context?

So we've come in from outside

because there's so much drilling and blowing going on.

First time I was happening inside.

So we've come inside, so...

Sorry, we apologise.

And, you know, Pete's just started talking about Mamboobs on the way in.

Well, no, I was just saying, it feels like there's a kind of...

an epidemic of...move, you know.

Quite a lot.

Quite a lot out there, isn't it?

I think I would...

I think the move is possibly

the most unattractive thing on Earth.

Can you...

Can you help it?

Like, is it...

Diet?

You said to me...

You said to me it was the estrogen in the tap water.

Well, that's what they say.

They say, obviously, the estrogen in water.

Is this a myth?

Or is this factual?

I think it's factual.

Yeah, I heard that.

Because when girls go on the pill and they go for a wee,

we can't filter out the water.

So if you drink filtered water, not a problem,

but I think tap water has high levels of estrogen in it.

Bloody women.

So, Ross, you haven't got a filter machine.

Really hydrated.

Rivet filtered in my...

I know we're buying our Ross for Christmas.

Rivet filter and a little nice C cup bra.

Definitely a D.

Double. Give me a double.

Hi, Abby and Peter. I love the pod.

You briefly mentioned last week that Peter doesn't answer the phone.

And this is the same for me and my husband.

I call him to see how the kids are,

ask if we need anything, how he is, et cetera, and no answer.

Nine times out of ten, I walk in the house and he's sitting on his phone,

usually on the toilet.

It furiates me. I could be sitting along...

I could be sitting on the roadside broken down,

and he wouldn't know because he's down a shit video rabbit hole

stinking out my bathroom.

Cool.

Top love.

Mm-mm.

Is that it?

Just a load of abuse for a husband there.

Sometimes you can't answer all the time.

The amount, of course, that you...

How many times do you walk in a day?

The worst thing is, I leave the house.

Ten seconds. I've got phone calls regularly as well.

Because it's normally tell you've forgotten the kids back.

It's never anything like that.

I've never talked to you.

I've never known anyone as relentless on a mobile phone.

You call me all the time as well?

Do I?

Yeah.

That's probably important.

Put your arm down.

Why?

I get it.

It's like...

The thing is...

But I do say that, to you, if you don't answer the phone,

I'm like, Pete, it could be an emergency.

Like, you should answer the phone,

especially if you call five times in a row.

Because that obviously means something's up.

You hate it when you get, like,

95 missed calls off me, don't you?

It makes you go the other way.

Yeah, I just don't understand it.

I remember I was playing golf one day

and I remember seeing 15 missed calls.

And it wasn't like an emergency.

I just wanted to see if you fancied a little pack lunch

for me to bring to the golf course.

Follow.

Pete, you forgot your filtered bottle of water.

No moves, please.

We'll talk about today, babe.

We'll talk about, like, fashion.

You know, not boring fashion.

I'm talking about, like, our fashion.

We've had a lot of listeners get in touch with us

and say, you know, how stylish I am.

To be honest, we do not make an effort on this podcast.

Like, we forget that because it's, you know,

with you and John, Pete.

We're just sitting in our house.

You know, we never get our hair done

or our makeup done or put on a nice outfit.

Whatever.

You had...

I was dying for you to wear the glasses.

You had a...

But you laughed at me?

I constantly walk into your room

and you laugh at me all the time.

Pete, you are very fashionable.

I'm not. Pete, do you know what?

Can't be bothered with it.

There's nothing sweet about it.

I don't know.

Hey, Prime members, you can listen to this show,

Add Free, on Amazon Music.

Download the Amazon Music app today.

And you look great.

You're very fashionable.

Oh, yeah.

Look at his outfit.

I'm just looking at your outfit.

It's so funny with Pete.

Like, he likes to wear everything the same colour.

It's just fun.

I like that beige on you though.

Much as your teeth.

I like the name of that one.

I am.

Incredible.

Incredible.

Incredible.

An incredible gag.

Oh, my God.

So, have you had any kind of fashion mishaps?

Yes.

Constantly.

Early doors, I saw a couple of photos of you as a team.

Primi.

I mean, I changed you.

Primi.

Primi.

Primi.

You changed me.

I think it's just like a sign of the times, isn't it?

Even going as far back as our wedding,

which was only 12 years ago,

my eyebrows were drawn on with a biro.

It was just ridiculous.

Like, I don't even, like, do anything to my eyebrows now.

I just leave them.

I used to...

It must have took me like hours to pluck them,

but boys, mine are quite full.

Scouts, bro.

And I had no eyebrow.

Yeah, so I've had so many fashion faux pas.

Have you?

Yeah, can't even count them.

What was your worst one?

You had the tie-dye trackie.

Tie-dye trackie?

The tie-dye juicy trackie?

Yeah.

Wish I still had that.

I wish I still had that.

Yeah.

The juicy trackie.

Juicy trackies are coming back in, you know.

All right.

All the kids were in them.

All the kids are wearing them now,

with the diamond juicy on the bum.

Sophia, one son.

Really?

Said no.

No, I don't think that's...

No.

I don't like it copying what people wear.

Like, the kids now, like the sign of the time,

it's like the trackie bottoms and the vest.

So scruffy.

Yeah.

Can't even see, like, the figures or anything.

That was quite a star show.

Lyle and Scott.

Can you define Pete's look when you first met them?

His vibe.

I think you looked taller when I met you.

Because of the air.

Ghorpy.

Like, you know, I remember...

But, like, I saw the pictures United had walking.

You see that photo?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bruny and Bruny on it.

Bruny and Bruny on it.

Jono, Shane, Ig...

And they've all got the same club that I used to wear at that time.

Well, that's what I'm saying.

It's like a sign of the times.

Like, looking back, it looks dreadful,

but it was great at the time.

Mm-hmm.

I had a baggy, like, shocking jeans on.

A pair of white trainers.

Like, a shirt that was, like, Harry Heels

with a jumper on.

Mm-hmm.

V-neck.

Yeah, but your mum used to dress you, didn't she?

You know?

I was dressing myself, by the way.

Awful.

Mm-hmm.

Awful.

Mm-hmm.

You did have the Lyle and Scott in every colour.

Every colour, yeah.

The worst one I had was the black.

I remember going out to, like, a nightclub for the first time,

and all of us had different kind of pastel Ben Sherman shirts on.

Yeah.

They were in there, weren't they?

Yeah, they were, yeah.

Yeah, I had a purple one.

But, like, the piping on, like, the sleeves, like that.

Yeah, like a Ben Sherman.

Ben Sherman.

I remember going, I went up to put some fake Stone Island jeans.

Fake.

With a Ben Sherman shirt on.

Where did you get the fake Stone Island jeans from?

Oxford Circus.

You get that little...

Market.

Yeah.

They get it when the police came.

20 quid.

Did they fit the length?

Do they fit your length?

No.

Hipsters.

You've got a 40-it-leg bear, please.

Yeah.

He's 38.

They're made to measure, please, in the fake Stone Island.

Oh, I've had so many faux pas.

I remember used to, like, slash jeans and safety pin them back together,

and wear them.

We used to go to Southport, like, every Easter, to, like, the fair.

Is it Southport or Blackpool?

Southport.

Pleasure land.

Would be none.

No, not would be none.

With, like, a gang.

Gang or girl.

We used to wear, like, chippy trainers.

Buy jeans.

Rip them.

Safety pin them back together.

Like, safety pins all the way down.

Thought I was unreal.

Unreal.

I remember when I got my first professional contract,

and I, uh...

I strode up to Bond Street.

I bought Periguchi loafers.

The Gucci romance.

This is where it starts.

Unbelievable.

Have you seen the other thing?

The first thing I bought as well, I went to Lakeside.

Fucking hell.

I bought what?

I bought a little gold bangle.

I'll tell you about it.

No.

I've talked about this on the football pod, but...

I bought this gold bangle, and I knew I was like,

what am I doing?

Where is it now?

Obviously, I said, this is the story.

I came home, and my dad said, fuck is that.

Get it off your wrist, I never want to see it again.

And I went, I took it off, I never...

Never saw it again.

There's something quite brave about having your own style,

and wearing what you want.

I don't like when my kids follow the trends, and they do.

They copy all the mates, they all want to dress the same.

It looks absolutely ridiculous.

And I want them to be a bit unique or whatever.

Liberty takes it a bit too far, doesn't she?

It's good to have your own kind of style.

I quite like giving a chain.

What do you?

Like on the beach, like trunks on a thin chain.

I like a chain.

I'm happy for you to borrow one, because if I buy it,

you'll think you'll go, what the hell is that?

Yeah.

Although if you buy it, you'll...

I could imagine people coming in with a gangster rap on,

do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Big diamond dollar sign round, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Two packs.

Yeah.

R.I.V.

Six pack.

Yeah.

Keg.

Couple of moves on a keg.

You could tell he's loved.

That's what happens.

Uh-huh.

So what was your first, when you met Pete,

then you said you love a doer up, eh?

What was your first?

What did you go?

When we were on our first date,

I wore a white shirt,

flared jeans,

and a pair of leopard print

round toe platforms with a bow on.

But you looked just like...

Like, what the hell?

Can't remember what Pete wore.

Yeah.

You wore a blue lion in Scotland.

We'll jump up with half-mashed jeans

and the strangled pumas.

I didn't wear pumas.

You did?

There's photo evidence of it?

Yeah.

Hmm?

There is?

Like, what are the cheeky for me?

What are you doing on a date with her?

Looking like that.

I look ridiculous, Pete.

This is just...

At what point did you decide that you needed

to do something about her?

About me?

Yeah.

About it?

No, it wasn't it.

The fashion.

No, I think...

I think most women...

Most women do the guys up.

I just...

I'd put it down to just being young

and foolish, really.

Like, I don't think I'm a non-stylish man.

No.

But at that time, I was.

You look great in clothes.

It's fake.

Like...

You look great in clothes.

No, I mean...

That Balacarba you wore, you know?

And those gloves.

No, I mean, like...

When you go out for dinner, like on holiday,

you always look amazing.

Yeah.

And you're like, chinos in your linen shirt.

Thanks, babe.

It's a bit of a staple, that, isn't it?

Riviera chic, I think.

Classic kind of smart vibe.

I don't...

I don't wear that jeans that often, though.

You throw all your...

You give all your jeans away?

Give them to Scott, but you have to get, like, six inches.

Six inches hemmed off them?

Yeah, like, seriously, I don't think there's anyone in pair of jeans.

I'd like to meet someone with my jeans size.

Big ship?

No, but he's big, isn't he?

Mm.

You know what I mean?

Mm.

But, bizarrely, my waist is a bit bigger than you'd expect.

Was it 34?

34.

But it's 38 and a half inside leg?

Mm.

That is long.

That is long.

It's not a normal trousers length.

Well, it is if you're tall.

It is if you're six foot seven.

Couldn't really argue about it.

It's normal for you.

But it's normal for me.

Yeah, but I always, like, you'd rather have long legs than short legs.

It's not on worse.

Look at them poor little sausage docks.

Fuming that all the dogs have got longer legs than them.

Yeah, it just takes them forever to go anywhere.

Quite a lot of people have been asking about any fashion tips

that you might have for them for summer, Abbie, and you, P.

My style tips would be kind of always go classic

if you're going to invest money in things, you know,

amazing jacket, amazing bag, amazing shoes,

and then just mix it up with, you know, a bit of high street,

everyday staple, best t-shirt.

What's in this summer, babe?

What's it in?

Gokwane.

What's in?

What's the new trends for this summer?

I've got no idea.

Why not?

Because...

You should know.

What's in?

I mean, what is it?

Dresses?

Shorts?

Are people, you know...

Shorter in this summer?

Shorts.

Walko to the house?

Shorter in.

Exactly.

So, guys, if you want to be hot this summer,

go and buy yourself a pair of shorts.

What do I...

I don't know.

I mean, I don't know what I'm talking about.

I've just assumed you would know.

No, but I think on a summer holiday,

it's like you dress differently to wherever you go.

Right.

So, if you're going to Glastonbury, for instance,

right, this year, what was the in-looks?

Well, I'm glad I spent about a month

choosing my Glastonbury outfits

and, you know, working with my stylist Karen

and getting all amazing stuff

and literally wore the same pair of jeans for three days.

Literally.

Literally.

Because I was surprised.

Glastonbury wasn't really...

Trendy.

No one cares.

Wasn't Coachella, was it?

No, and that's...

Free.

Huh?

It's free.

It's just...

Well, you're not free.

It's £75 for three margaritas.

No, but I mean, it's carefree.

Well, for a woman dressing a fella,

what's your tips?

I think...

I think my top tips for dressing your man...

Yeah.

...is...

Yeah.

I think the top tips for dressing your man are...

Work with their body shape.

Don't follow the trends.

Classic always.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

Uh, yeah.

Like, you know...

Do you feel like it's a gentle...

It's a gentle nudge?

Like, so it's almost as if it's my decision?

Or would you just say no where it is?

Well, no, I don't tell you to wear things.

You don't do, you know?

I just plant them in your wardrobe,

and then you think it's your idea.

And then you're like,

Oh, look at this.

Let's just put it on.

Put it on.

Yeah.

And like...

But again, you don't want to do that, you know,

you don't want it to start creeping into the sevens and eights.

You're comfortable with the six.

I told you, you're a ten.

You're a ten.

What are your...

You hate certain things that I wear.

You don't like a baggy jean or like a baggy pant, do you?

That's funny because I like to look at your figure

in all its glory.

Did you just go?

Girls dress for girls, not for men.

I certainly do.

You know.

My Instagram is like full of like girls

and what they look like,

what yours probably is as well, to be fair.

But you don't look at men, do you?

And go, oh, that's nice.

I'll save that.

No, not at all.

I have once gone, oh, that's a nice haircut

to the picture of it.

And then I did feel like,

bit strange.

I used to send you pictures, didn't I?

I have all male models of haircuts.

Yeah, I think she's going to be like this haircut

and I'm going, I can't fucking look like that.

I think you look better than that, though.

Absolute hunk.

She's going, what about this haircut, Pete?

It's like shirtless...

Adonis.

What about this body type, Pete?

This body type here, Pete.

Zero body fat.

What would you...

Have you got any tips for men on how to dress them?

Well, I can say, yeah.

I think, like, in the summertime,

I do think it's...

It's classic.

That's what I'll go for.

I think today's my, like,

today's my lounge wear.

There, your pajamas?

Well, no.

It's just a casual

indoors outfit, I think.

But, yeah, like, during the day,

I like a shirt and shorts and, you know, like...

So if you were going to buy me

the dream outfit...

For you?

For me, what would it be?

What am I saying?

I know you're going to ridicule me.

Ridicule.

Ridicule.

A bit nervous.

That's not nice.

To be ridiculed.

I like the kind of almost office wear.

Or you dress like Sandra from The Office.

Yeah.

You mean, like, suits guy?

Like, suits.

You know what I mean?

Like, I like it kind of dress

like a skirt pencil.

It's like a Callum Brady look.

You mean, it's like suits.

You know what I mean?

I think that's an elegant dinner outfit.

We were watching suits the other day

and I was like,

oh, that's a nice chop.

And people was like,

oh, no, have you seen it from the back, though?

It's got a bit ribbon on the back.

I don't like that.

I've seen so much.

And you were, like, thinking...

You were already thinking about the top

before I mentioned it.

You said it and I was like,

bang, I wasn't spending too much time with you.

That's why.

I like that top I said, oh,

have you seen it from the back, though?

You literally did.

Like, instantly.

She needs a strapless bra with that.

So he said, I was like...

Literally married.

Do you remember when I said the words

Oversight Clutch?

Yeah.

She said, I pay Oversight Clutch.

What the fuck?

Am I saying?

No, so going back to my dinner date outfit,

what would it be?

I need more specifics.

I'm not revenue.

There's lots of things I like.

Like, on you.

Oh, God.

Go on, tell me.

Well, what else do I like?

Like...

You bought me a dress.

What have you bought?

We're in a bought composition here now.

You bought a full look.

What am I wearing?

I remember when I bought you an outfit

and I put it in the wardrobe and we went to the hotel

and then we went out for dinner.

I turned around and I said,

that's a nice outfit.

And that was like a pencil skirt.

Pencil skirt.

Is that what they're called?

What do you think a pencil skirt is?

One that kind of hugs you there

and that goes like...

like on the knee.

So you like pencil skirts?

I don't want to like them.

With what touch?

With what touch?

No.

I'm struggling now.

Just go with it.

Don't be...

Sorry, sorry.

Don't be getting swayed by these morons.

Do you know what?

I'll have you in a skirt,

right up your arse and a bra

with stilettos.

So, all right.

All right.

Listen, I'm fit up doing fashion now.

Let's move on.

How you going to have?

How you having Pete?

Love the pod.

So my girlfriend won't stop talking about me

going to Edinburgh in autumn

and she loves autumn for some reason

and Edinburgh is meant to look unreal.

So she says.

Now I love a holiday,

don't get me wrong.

However, I'm a semi-pro footballer.

I pride myself on not missing a game

or training.

A game every Saturday,

training in some midweeks

is impossible to go away during the football season.

Pete, I reckon you can relate.

I certainly do.

Anyway, she's got the right hand

about me picking football over her,

despite going away together

every year outside of the football season.

You can't choose not to go to football, can you?

No, I don't think...

He's a semi-professional.

If you've got the word, professional in.

No, she shouldn't be.

Yeah, exactly right.

I just wondered how you dealt with this

during your career

and how you managed to add

to low the amount of ag

as football guys get from July to April.

Also, Ab, is there anything Pete did

that would make you feel better about

not going away while the football season

was in full swing?

Lots of love and on.

Wix, Wix, you've got to be professional.

I would never say you couldn't go.

I said to like...

Harry Redknapp.

Oh, sorry, Harry.

I'm taking Ab to Edinburgh.

For the West Ham game.

What?

No, I...

That's one thing I've never done.

Teaching.

Teaching.

Teaching.

That's one thing I've never done.

To you.

No.

I was the same as this lad.

Like, I didn't...

I didn't miss a day's training.

No.

I never pulled out a day's training.

No matter what.

I let alone a match.

Any advice for the girl, then, Ab?

Grow up.

Just suck it up.

Grow up.

No, I think it's kind of undermining

his job,

in a way.

You know, because she obviously thinks

he's not interested in it.

I don't think she really understands

kind of how serious it is.

But if he's got, like, a second job

and he's working all through the week

and then on the free time that they do,

Ab is playing every weekend.

Do you know what I mean?

If that was his only job...

Yeah, but she could go...

They could go to Edinburgh for the day.

You know, it's all about compromise.

There'll always be a weekend off as well.

Like, there'll have to be autumn.

Yeah, because it's a fabulous autumn.

Imagine me, my autumnal boots off in Edinburgh.

We could do that now, I'm retired.

Exactly.

Shall we do it?

That's one, to tick off.

Maybe I should just take her out.

Take her in a frigging miniskirt

with a bra.

She's wearing a nice pencil skirt.

We'll head up there.

There's your answer.

This one is for Abby, as I feel like

she can relate to it and give some advice.

So, as you're from Liverpool and Pete from London,

you decided to make the move down

and start fresh when you got together.

This is potentially the same situation

for me and my partner.

I'm the one that is making the move

and I'm wondering how did you cope with it

in regards to making new friends

that weren't already his and fitted in.

Don't get me wrong, my partner is amazing,

but I don't want to feel like a burden anonymous.

This was like...

I found it hard for you to try and get you down.

But when you did, I knew you'd love it and I knew you wouldn't stay.

I think it's pretty sweet things, right?

Yeah, I think that's always quite a daunting thing,

moving from your home city

to somewhere else in the country

or abroad or whatever.

But I think because we moved in together quite quickly,

while we were still up north,

that kind of softened the blow,

but it was scary moving down south

with no friends.

You're away from your family.

Being from Liverpool,

you're always like in your aunties, in your nuns,

see your friends,

popping in cups too, whatever, a glass of wine.

So to not have that ready available

was like a scary...

Yeah, but now you've got loads of friends.

Yeah.

And obviously, you've got your oldest friends up there.

Well, all my best friends are still up north.

And, you know, I'm busy with the kids and with you.

So, you know, I like being in my house as well, don't I?

I like pottering and doing my thing.

And what kind of advice would you have

for someone doing the same thing you've done?

I think...

where's Kasein, are you?

You can always go back, so give it a try.

You know, she is together.

You know, it helps when you have the kids

and you get them into schools and you meet other mums

and, you know, people in the area.

Join a gym, meet friends there.

Yeah.

Put yourself out there.

Put yourself out there.

Hi, Abbey and Peter.

Me and my man are going to Tenerife at the end of August.

We can't wait.

It's our first proper holiday together.

The problem is, he snores quite badly.

At home, this is not an issue.

There's a lot of snoring recently.

There is a lot of snoring going on today.

As we have a lovely spare room for me to sneak off into

when he wakes up during the night,

wakes me up during the night,

which, as much as I would love to stay in bed with him,

does not bother us anymore.

Sleep is too important.

However, there's no spare room when we go away for 14 nights.

I've tried several sets of noise blocking ear plugs,

which never cancel out the noise.

Why is it always the snoree who has to suffer?

The snores never do anything about the snoring.

They don't know they're doing it, do they, really,

if you're asleep.

How can we navigate this issue

without killing each other due to lack of sleep?

We both end up rattle with each other

because he gets fed up with me waking him up.

And I get fed up of being awake,

listening to a literal tractor in the bedroom.

Any suggestions are welcome.

This is Ashley from the Whirl.

Oh, I feel your pain, honey.

I'm married to a snorer myself.

I'm not really.

Yeah, it's something I've cracked in recently, like,

my nose issue.

Yeah, it's because of your polyps.

But that, you know, we're going to adjust that.

Is it bad for you?

It is.

Is it, really?

What about the Robbie Fowler plaster thing?

That helps, I think.

Can you have that?

What's that?

You know, Robbie Fowler.

Just wear those plasters on his nose to help his breathing.

It opens your airways.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what I think, that's what I thought, yeah.

What do they call it?

Airways.

Actually, I think they're called airways.

Oh, Sean, you used to wear them?

Yeah.

That was a massive thing when Fowler put it on.

I, um...

Oh, it's...

There's no...

She just needs to fall asleep before him.

She should just say,

you're not allowed to go to sleep until I sleep.

All right, go on.

Last one, right?

I'm currently dating someone called Stu

and I cringe every time I say it.

It's the only floor I can find at the moment.

Stu.

Am I being unreasonable if I ask his...

Hey, just name.

Stu's a bad name, though, innit?

Stu path.

That's all I think of when you say Stu.

Stu.

Stu.

Stu.

Stu.

Is Stu it no better?

No.

Stu what?

Stu.

Stu.

What?

Stu's a terrible name, is it?

Yeah, I do.

Stu path.

It just comes to mind.

Is it?

Stu path.

Stu that bad?

You think Stu path?

That's funny that she's...

Stu's a bad name.

It's the floor, she should see what his middling is

and call him his middle neck.

I like the name Pete.

It's pleasant, it's harmless.

It's grown on me over the years.

It's grown.

How could your own name grow on you.

Well, at first I wasn't like, but...

I think being a little boy called Peter is so weird, isn't it?

Perfect Peter.

Peter?

Like you would never have a brand new baby and go,

I think I'll call him Peter.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

But Abby's just as bad.

Abby's a lovely name.

I hate my name.

It's like Ian and Graham.

But my dad's Jeffrey.

It's horrible.

But they're old-fashioned, you know?

He is old-fashioned.

Yeah, but I'd rather be called like Ian than, like,

some of the stupid names that are out now.

Show Monty and all I've thought of is show Monty.

Show Monty, do you know what I mean?

Well, like, what are the, like, weird ones?

Hmm.

I can't think of any.

And I'm scared to say one.

And he's like, you know someone called it.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, we don't associate with Keith's or Alan's or...

Nothing wrong with Alan.

Alan?

No, we're like, you know, like, it's a solid name.

The name Alan?

We're not now for a baby.

But like, if you met an Alan guy's out there, solid man.

I mean, there's a view called like, you know, Rapunzel.

I'd love to be called Rapunzel.

Rapunzel.

I don't know, like, they're all called like...

That's a weird name, though, isn't it?

So what's your name?

I think find out there's middle name, call them that.

Because you don't want to change the name.

Why don't you just call them Babe?

Babe, when in doubt, Babe them off.

What would, like, what's the, like, what about Sharon?

Who would you call Sharon?

Sharon.

Sharon?

Shaza?

Shaza.

Anything that you can change to Aza?

Loza?

Shaza?

Gaza?

Gaza?

Baza?

Baza?

Baza?

Anything that you can change to Aza or Aza is a no-go.

All right, well, let's go for the middle name.

No, I think she should just call them Babe.

Honey.

Yeah, we don't call...

I very rarely say Abbey to you.

No.

When you say Abbey, I go...

Probably.

From fashion faux pas to pencil skirts to doing up your guy,

I hope we were insightful today and we gave you what you wanted.

And if you do ever need any fashion tips, I am available.

Get in touch on the socials and I can help you.

See you next week.

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