The Therapy Crouch: Happy Halloween!!

Therapy Crouch Therapy Crouch 10/31/23 - Episode Page - 1h 6m - PDF Transcript

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I say, oooh yeah, that's all I have today, it's all I have to say, oh, oh, oh.

Can't believe Jeannie Queen never saw off.

Right, we're ready to rock.

Rolling, rolling, rolling.

Hello.

We're at the same difference today.

And welcome to the spooky episode of That Therapy Crouch with me.

What?

Is it That Therapy Crouch?

Oh, and welcome to the spooky episode of The Therapy Crouch.

Do you want to do some books or not?

Well, I'm just reading this first.

Okay.

Okay.

Hello, and welcome to the spooky version.

Hello, and welcome to that spooky episode of The Therapy Crouch with me.

Abby Clancy.

Oh, sorry.

I was just engrossed in this laugh a minute book.

Laugh a second.

The Therapy Crouch in search of happy never after.

It's out now, and it's fantastic.

I can't put it down.

Well, you need to because you've got a pod to do.

Oh, okay.

Welcome back, Ross.

Thank you.

Good to be back.

Nice holiday.

Yeah, it was very relaxed and refreshed.

Oh, good.

Thank you.

I love you for you.

This week I've been to a Madonna concert.

I've been to Disney.

I've met Mick Oknoll.

I've been to see Mrs Doubtfire.

I've launched a book, a clothes collection.

And here we fucking are, dressing Halloween outfits.

We just addressed the fact that I look like a right twat.

You look great.

I think you look good like that.

You stitched me massively.

You're getting makeup done.

And I said, why are we doing this?

There's absolutely no point.

No, Helen came round and made me a little bit more feline chic.

And what's she done to me?

Is that a clown or the joker or what?

There's no mirror.

So I just said, look, if we're going to do this,

I can't really be asked to do it,

but just do it because it'll keep her happy.

But you're always a bit of a clown anyway.

So it's fine.

You're a good living out of it, actually.

Oh God.

So yeah.

Busy week, what was the highlight?

Fun, fun, fun.

How was Disney?

Disney was incredible.

It's magical for the kids.

But, you know, it's hard going.

You know, Sofia brought her friends.

There was seven of us in two rooms, suitcases, bags,

and obviously Johnny's super king-size pillow.

He has to drag everywhere.

The blanket.

We lost the dummy.

It was torrential rain.

Is it raining, yeah?

Oh my God.

Oh, mate.

It's not worth them seeing parking the rain, is there?

So we all had the cagoules on.

Having said that, though, like, it is great.

The kids absolutely loved it,

but it's hard work for the parents, I feel.

Yeah.

And we didn't even have one sip of wine.

What's good is that they're, like,

the little ones are going on the bigger rides now.

Like, Johnny was on the tarot era, wasn't he?

It's bad because, obviously, Jack's only just 10-4.

And because he's so tall, he can get on all the rides.

He's just...

He's a little face off.

Putting him on these big rides.

Shell shock.

Traumatised.

He came off on his lap.

So as you enjoy that, son, he goes,

He looks fear in his eyes.

I know.

Wow.

I know.

I'm sorry, you might hear a bit of noise in the background.

It's because it's half-term.

And the kids are home.

The dog's barking.

Halloween party.

Yeah, we're going to have a Halloween party later.

We're just setting up.

We love Halloween.

You also can't drop a bombshell in the opener there.

Like, and I met Mick Hucknell.

Like...

No, no.

I was just giving a run.

I was giving a run.

I've had a great week.

It's been Madonna.

Let's just go back to Madonna.

No one does it like Madonna.

You know, she was doing, you know,

doing a song from the 80s with the dance routines

that no one even comes close to her to this day.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

There was no icon like her.

She is unbelievable.

Voice incredible.

She looked incredible.

The production was just mind-blowing.

Like everything about...

I can't but like Caroline and John,

who we've talked about in our part,

they sorted us out.

John's their agent.

Oh, really?

Yeah, John's their agent.

So they sorted us out.

You know, we had the best tickets.

Took Sophia with us.

So feeling very, very lucky this week.

What did you think about Madonna?

No, I loved it.

Like, I'm quite...

Well, I don't know if I'm a secret Madonna fan,

but I've always been a fan.

I'm not going to lie.

Some great tunes.

I've always...

She's up there.

Like, I'm putting her in kind of...

Like, female-wise.

I don't think there's anyone...

Bit bigger.

Yeah, you've got Whitney, like...

Mariah.

Tina Turner, Mariah Carey.

I haven't put Tina up there.

Like, Madonna for me is...

I think she's my favourite female artist, I would say.

Yeah, you've got Whitney Houston, you've got Mariah.

Adele.

Yeah.

Adele, yeah.

That was a big one.

Madonna's spanned like...

Lady Gaga.

Fall down.

You know, everyone...

Everyone at Take It...

You know, Madonna was the OG.

She's original.

She's not copying off anyone.

You know, it looks a bit Marilyn Monroe...

Yeah.

At times, but fucking hell.

She's Marilyn Monroe on Viagra.

I watched that concert and I just thought,

I'm going to...

I just want to throw all my fleece dressing gowns away.

I just want to be, like, hot 24-7.

You'd quite like that idea.

I agree, I agree.

She's just epic.

I'm glad you took that inspiration.

She's just, like, girl power.

Kid Fagan.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, no.

It was a great night.

And then we...

Obviously Disney with the kids.

That was fantastic.

Meeting all the characters.

The parade is just...

Sensational.

I can't believe how much the kids enjoyed that.

The parade.

I was having a hard time watching it.

The characters, yeah, it was amazing.

But, you know, sometimes, I don't know.

I thought the rides would be more...

But the parade was, like, the biggest thing for them.

They absolutely loved it, didn't they?

It was beautiful watching them all dancing, trying to wait.

Did you stay in Disneyland in, like, the castle?

Disney Castle's still under renovation, so we stayed in the Marvel Hotel.

Oh, OK.

Which is quite cool.

Yeah.

But it was stressful, like, at every stage throughout the day,

there was at least one kid crying at all times.

I'm cold, I'm wet, I'm hungry,

I want a lollipop, I want candy floss.

I want to go on that ride again.

I want to meet Mickey.

Yeah, that kind of leads me neatly on small weekly,

why I'm sure I've gone early with this one.

OK.

But while we're talking about it,

I feel like I probably need to get it off the chest.

Airport abs has been replaced, actually, by theme...

Gardener.

Gardener abs.

Theme park abs.

Whoa.

If you didn't like airport abs,

you don't want to meet theme park abs.

Gardener abs.

Eurostar abs is a different animal.

Eurostar.

Enlighten me.

Obviously, it's quite a stressful experience, you know,

like bags and children.

It's scary, like, I don't want them to, like,

fall down the gap of the train, and it's so busy,

and then, you know, they're excited, running ahead,

and I want them to all be safe.

And I don't cope very well with stressful situations

and being scared.

Yeah.

And also, because there was kind of a table of four,

then there was the two girls,

seven of us in total.

So you've got a table of four, two girls, like, there,

and obviously one has to go and sit,

like, with the businessman doing work.

And I was over the moon.

The girl said...

Oh, sorry, guys, but one of your family's going to have to...

I said, not a problem.

See you next to that fat fella on the laptop.

No problem.

But it just...

I like to be organised and the kids are, like,

rooting through my bag, pulling everything out,

eating all the sweets.

It's a lot.

It is hard, I'm four kids, I don't care what anyone says.

It is.

I don't mean hard and, like, you know, I'm complaining,

but just physically keeping your eye on every child

and making sure everyone's safe, everyone's happy,

I need a way, I need a...

But what I think we need to do in that situation

is know it's hard not to kind of take it out on each other.

And I was guilty of it as well.

You were the worst.

I was guilty of it as well, losing my shit a few times.

You were being mean to me and just sitting with your frigging earpods on?

Well, the lady said that I couldn't sit with you.

And, you know, obviously I had to reply.

No one's seeing Grumpy Pete.

Yeah, you are. People have seen Grumpy Pete, but you put me through.

When has anyone seen Grumpy Pete?

You put me through. You keep him well hidden.

No, it's no one angers me like you.

Pete is a nightmare when he's got a cob on.

A nightmare.

Oh, he's a sulker. It's the worst kind.

I hate people who talk.

It's just so hard.

You make things ten times harder.

Don't give me that little friendly one.

Pussycat.

Stop being a cunt.

Stop being a cunt now.

She looks like a right twat today.

This is going to go out. People are going to see this.

Babe, it's Halloween.

So Disney came back.

That was amazing.

Then we went to see Mrs Doubtfire in the West End in London.

And my God, it's a must-see.

It was fantastic.

Isn't someone that famous in that?

Marcus Collins.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The Scouts are in it, isn't it?

I thought someone else was in it.

He's the singer from Exoctel, isn't he?

Yeah, Marcus Collins, fellow Scouts.

There was actually quite a few Scouts in it

because we got to meet the cast afterwards.

And the kids loved it.

It was just...

It's such a great day out.

I do like the theatre with the kids.

Actually, this is my weekly one, right?

Oh, here we go.

So I planned this whole theatre trip.

Obviously, the kids are on halftime,

and we love going to the theatre.

We go to this gorgeous Italian restaurant in the West End.

Go to the theatre.

I planned it all.

Pete said, oh, babe, that would be fantastic.

It's one of my best days.

And he's doing the Champions League on the day.

So I was like, I planned this whole thing,

and it's quite a special thing as a family that we do.

And at no point did you say,

I can't do that day when it was in the diary.

Yeah, I didn't really realise it.

I was guided a bit, to be honest.

I would have liked to have gone after Disney.

I wasn't so guided.

You know, you've got to do what you've got to do.

You've got to chase the peas.

Chase the peas?

Just choke on peas.

God.

We're actually doing the Europa League.

And Brighton, I was down at Brighton,

and they beat Ajax,

which is a big deal.

Well, Galway, everyone laughs at me.

Munich Galway.

All my Galwayans.

The Munich Galway game in the Champions League.

Are they called Galwayans?

Galwegians.

Galwegians.

All my fellow Galwayans.

Have you called that?

All my fabulous Galwegians,

who've been writing into me,

saying, you know, they've actually got a sniff

of being in the Champions League.

Yeah, they won the league, basically.

So they're in the Irish Premier League now.

So they would not.

They got a chance of being in the Champions League.

So, you know, the clip of me laughing

at them being in the Champions League.

Let me get this straight.

I wasn't laughing at Galway being in the Champions League.

I was laughing at you thinking that

you were in the Galway on a Tuesday night

in the Champions League.

This whole Tuesday night thing,

why do you keep putting emphasis on Tuesday night?

It's Tuesday or Wednesday.

It's like Thursday night at Europa.

Tuesday and Wednesday is the Champions League.

Cool story, bro.

She's had you there.

Too shame, darling.

Too shame.

Cool story, bro.

We've got a non-football fans out there.

Sorry, Pete's born in the city.

Tell us about Mrs. Delfare again, will you?

I'm sure they're all dying to know.

You may laugh. It's absolutely bloody fantastic.

But yeah, our fellow Galwegians,

Galwayans.

Galwegians are going to be the one, I know.

Yeah.

They've, you know, hit me up.

They're in my corner. I've got Irish blood.

Yeah, you have.

So there you go. Where are you from again?

Wexford?

Yeah.

Well, not me.

Origins?

Yeah.

No, I was just laughing at that.

You're doing an internal yarn again?

No, I didn't.

I was thinking of Fabian

in your family.

I was out with someone in the family,

but he's really into the roots.

He's always talked about his Irish roots.

And I met him in the pub and he said...

You said this?

I don't know. I think it's pretty English, really.

I thought so.

Dead eyes like a fish.

Lovely to meet you, Fabian.

First time I've met him.

Then I thought so. Dead eyes like a fish.

If the sun isn't shining, your eyes are quite dull.

Why are you dull?

Sparkly, I thought.

I can't really judge today, can you?

Get a bit of eye jubilee though. I know you'll be laughing.

You've got gorgeous eyes.

Thanks, Fabian. They're not as nice as yours.

That's true.

So, fantastic week,

but the cherry

on the fucking cake

was I got to meet Mick Ocknell.

I can't believe that.

I absolutely can't believe that.

Do you know what? I actually think the manifeston thing.

You know, we did it like a whole episode

on our love of Mick Ocknell

and we did, didn't we?

Well...

We'll be chatting about that.

We like simply read.

Like one of the most incredible voices

of our generation.

We went to

Frankie Dottoria's

having a celebration dinner at Grover's house.

Amazing.

We know Frankie and obviously what he's done

in racing, absolutely incredible.

A lot of people there to celebrate it.

You know what they did? All as accolades.

As if it was like a horse racing race

where it goes.

And he was like,

he's won seven gold medals.

He's done this. He jumped on nine million horses.

Whatever.

What was his biggest accolade again, both?

What did you think?

The gold medals.

Yeah.

Which one?

I was laughing because

I was sitting next to this woman

and we were reading like the programme

and it says like nine stone

and she was like, God, that's light for a horse.

There should be about

two tonne.

Nine stone horse.

Not betting on that one.

That's obviously

the jockey, isn't it?

I believe so.

Yeah.

One was like, oh, it's only a baby, that one.

It's got no experience when we're betting on that.

But

Frankie is

a good friend of ours and he's

at this fantastic evening

at the Grover's house to celebrate his

career.

And Mick Ocknell.

Literally the next table.

Which was amazing.

She's going to go over, Pete, go over.

Go over and say what?

She's going to go over.

Pete put the fear of God at me saying you can't go over to him because he hates Scousers.

Which

he doesn't, by the way.

I actually went over because my

pathetic husband wouldn't.

Pete, you've got one mission, you know how much it means to me.

I would have thought Pete would have some kind

of making up to do and be like

mission set.

Just go over and ask him, you know, Abbey's 40th is coming up.

Do you want to, obviously we pay him.

Fuck it.

I'm pretty sure it's like a million quid.

So we won't pay him.

Well, aren't I worth it?

Absolutely not.

Well anyway.

You're having simply rouge.

And you'd be grateful for it.

Simply rouge.

What's the opposite of simply?

Hardly.

Hardly rouge.

Hardly rouge.

Hardly rouge.

I'll get you hardly rouge.

No problem.

I went over.

I saw my perfect opportunity.

Frankie was actually sitting next to

Mick

and our friend Robbie.

So I went over and said, oh hi Robbie,

oh hi Mick.

And I was like, me and Pete, you're biggest fans.

I hate doing that.

Because I feel like such a dweeb.

But I absolutely love them and I've waited 40 years

to meet them.

And I was like, we're huge fans.

I said, we've got tickets to

your concert in 2025.

Blah, blah, blah.

And Robbie said, sort of like the Scouser thing.

He's also a Scouser.

And he said, I've got no idea where that came

from, that story.

And it's absolutely not true.

He used to like gig around Liverpool in his early days

and he was amazing.

And then

the bands that were playing in the party

started singing a simply red song.

And then just handed

Mick the mic and he sat down

his chair didn't even move and just blew

the roof off with his voice

like on.

It was like a pinch me moment wasn't it?

It was amazing.

The whole of the room was around his

table just filming him.

And our video is ruined by me singing

the whole song out of tune

over him.

Like that.

So you can't even hear

Mick on the video that we've got.

But

yeah, fantastic week we've had.

Yeah, it was funny.

And then afterwards she was like,

can you get him to like

sing for us and stuff like that.

And I think I did mention it.

He said, I don't know about that.

I don't know.

Okay, cheers Mick.

If we were talking about, I like what you're doing,

what you're up to.

You definitely were Pete.

For the right price.

For the right price.

You know, the right price

is going to cripple us.

It's going to cripple us.

Can't look, are you with that red lippie on?

What I do feel like, I keep catching

a glimpse of myself in the mirror and forget

that I look like this. You look great.

It's funny that, isn't it?

I think you look good.

You know, Joe has quite a sexy character.

I'll keep you under.

If I come down with red and blue

all over my face,

don't be wondering what's going on.

I'm surprised you didn't dress up.

What's new for the kid?

But no, great night.

Great week.

Feeling very blessed.

Now we just need the term to start.

Yeah, we certainly do.

Do you know what I want to get into?

Do you remember we did those dad jokes last week?

Should we just cheers to our wine?

I can't even remember mine now.

Okay.

Pete was too much for his shitbag.

Oh no, he didn't go to Matilda.

No, I've just missed out fire.

I've got this new approach to life

and it's just not to hold grudges.

I really?

I'm not holding grudges that much.

I can't even remember my wine.

Okay.

I think your wine was like, I messed up the diary again.

It's for an ongoing theme.

Where I was working, I couldn't come to just doubt fire.

A leopard doesn't change its spots.

And what's mine?

It was just airport apps crept in a bit

on our travels.

I don't want that kind of, because we've

kind of done this wine before

and we got past it and you were doing so well

and kind of relapsed.

I was in a different environment.

I wasn't getting my airport sausage.

You know, I wasn't.

You were?

I know, scandalous.

So I was out in my comfort zone.

It was a completely...

Well, I'm taking you away next week, aren't I?

On our own.

If you get your airport sausage then.

Cheers to that.

You can't wait.

Oh, very good.

Yeah, okay, right.

Well, we've cleared that up.

But yeah, last week we talked about...

We did a few dad jokes.

We've been, I've got to say,

inundated with dad jokes.

Can I just say, if you're going to say

the one that you said to me in bed last night,

don't even say it, because it's not funny.

It is good, that one.

But like, because we call

dad jokes, most of these are sent in

from women.

Because they're the jokies.

They've been getting them...

Maybe listening to them.

Their husbands have been telling them

and boring them to tears with them.

Oh.

I just thought that, you know, women were funny.

Be careful, Pete Crouch.

Anyway, Kathy says...

Good old Kathy.

Kathy's husband told her this one.

What do you call

a man and a woman fishing?

Rod and a net.

That's all I told you last night.

And you laughed.

You laughed last night.

Don't pretend you didn't find that funny.

My mates, Mrs. went to a spa

and booked a milk bath.

They asked, do you want it past your eyes?

She said, no. Just up to my tits, please.

How's a milk bath?

Can you imagine?

Do you want it past your eyes?

Just be tits on them.

The way he said tits as well.

No, there's no need for tits there.

The word tits is just...

It's a funny word, isn't it?

Not funny.

That is a funny word.

Okay, Sam said one.

A horse and a donkey meet in a bar one night.

They get chatting and become friends.

The horse invites the donkey back to his place.

They go back and all around the walls

including the derby, the guineas, the ark.

So anyway, the horse suggests

going to the donkey's house next weekend.

The donkey's all up for it but starts panicking,

thinking, how's he going to impress this champion horse?

He gets a brain wave and goes to the zoo

and takes a pick of the zebra.

So the weekend comes

and the horse comes round to the donkeys.

The weekend turned up?

No.

The weekend comes round

and the horse comes round to the donkeys.

He walks in and there's a massive picture of a zebra

and says, who's that?

The donkey says, oh, that's just me

when I used to play for you, Ventus.

Don't get it.

Did I have a stripy kit, by any chance?

Yeah.

It's fucking long-winded for that way, isn't it?

I know, yeah.

It was good, though. I quite liked it.

All right, quick one.

A man walks into the doctor's naked raps and cling film.

The doctor says to him, I can clearly see your nuts.

That's good.

That's funny.

That's funny.

Oh, God.

Oh, one more, right? Mary.

A wife asked her husband for a green jumper

for a birthday, so he bought her a frog.

Oh, God.

Well,

he also asked

for a

a woolly jumper

and he bought her a baby lamb.

Oh, that's nice.

That's nice.

Nicely done.

All right, some good ones there.

Do you want to rate an audience wife for us?

You're not terrified of anything Halloween.

Mischief Night in Liverpool doesn't help.

Kids are wild. How do I get them to grow up?

See, I...

I'm scared at all.

I'm not surprised.

People go above and beyond for Halloween now

when it is scary.

Sophia's going to Thorpe Park

for one of her friends' birthdays

and we'd love to take them to Thorpe Park, don't we?

But it's proper scary.

Yeah.

It depends what kind of thing you're up to.

Dressing as, you know,

Freddie Kruger and, I don't know,

running around with a chainsaw,

then they would, but, you know,

it should be just light-hearted fun, isn't it?

I feel like I look like E.T.'s mum.

E.T. Elliott's mum.

Today.

Do you remember E.T.?

Cool story, bro.

That was just, yeah, completely ignored.

You said that, Peter.

No, it should be held some fun, shouldn't it?

It's like, you're not really trying to scare the kids.

It's a technique for getting rid of kids' fears, though.

You know, like, if the kids were dead scared,

the spiders would you make them hold on or something like that?

Oh, no.

You just let them be afraid.

No. See, I think

showing no fear yourself

installs confidence in kids.

That's why I'm constantly holding bloody

tarantulas and

giant millipedes and

because I have noticed some of my fears

creeping into some of my kids,

especially Liberty, you know,

and the size and heights and

she asks me a lot

what time will you be back and where we going,

how long is it?

So I

have made a conscious effort to stop that.

I think kids

look for you

for their confidence and they can feel it.

It's like when they fall over

and you go,

if you just look the other way and they fell over,

they just get up and

it's not...

It's difficult. It's unnatural.

Obviously if they've really hurt themselves, you have to get involved,

but just saying if you

don't mollycoddle them.

Then they go, what?

See, I mollycoddle mine. It's so bad.

You do do that.

There's a boys more than the girls as well.

It's no good that.

It's not good for them in the long run.

I don't think.

Literally just say that, grow up.

It's only a ghost.

My weekly whine is about your podcast.

I was laughing and enjoying myself so much

with this week's episode. I completely

missed not just one,

but four turn-offs on the motorway

and drove all the way to Manchester.

Absolute knob-ed behaviour, but I'm blaming

you guys as I was really enjoying myself.

Thanks for the podcast. It really does make

the M56 seem fun.

I'm normally quite snappy on the motorway.

Do you know what?

That M56 is deceiving.

I ended up at the Reebok Stadium.

I was only going to the Trafford Centre.

Wasn't I?

And then I broke down, ran out of petrol,

had no phone battery.

This was before you could have like phone charges

in your car.

You've got to remember, we lived in Cheshire

to get to the Trafford Centre half

an hour, probably, journey.

And that was like 45 minutes into the journey

and rang me and said, Pete,

how far is the Trafford Centre from

the Reebok Stadium?

Oh, and you're in.

What's that?

I was on the whale of a time listening

to Smooth Groot.

It's simply red, full blast.

I know what you mean. It's a bit of a confusing road.

It's a bit like a ring road.

Yeah, it is, yeah.

Do you give it the aqueduct or something?

Oh, the viaduct.

We used to snog on the viaduct, didn't we?

Yeah, yeah. We still do, actually, if we go on it.

Set in roads you always snog on.

Yeah, honestly, that's quite a nice thing.

Remember there was a road with the spray painting

or saying snog.

It's not far from us now.

And we used to live there, so we used to go over it

every time, but the graffiti said

snog, so every time we went past it,

we had to have a kiss.

We snogged.

I sound like the word snog.

I do.

We snogged anyway.

So now they've built a new bridge

and the word snog's gone, but if we

come over it, we still reminisce.

And that's why we snog on the viaduct

and it's like reminiscent of snog.

But I wouldn't advise it.

Like, I don't know if I would like...

Just keep a pack if you're driving on the bridge.

Yeah.

But, you know, a quick pack.

Keep your eyes on the road then.

Keep your eyes on the road, it's fine.

Wow, that's my girl.

Yeah.

If only that was true.

I'm going to start fucking defacing bridges myself.

BJ.

BJ bridge.

So what she said, now that's a nice

message I like it when we...

That's a lovely message, yeah.

Do you know what, people are enjoying it

and that is a great sign.

And thanks for enjoying it, because we enjoy doing it.

Don't we? We do.

Cheers to that, big boy.

You're fine today.

Right, shall we get into this actual part?

You're really making me laugh.

Well done.

Well done.

Congratulations.

So, do you know what we're talking about?

It's Halloween, you know, I'm dressed like a twat.

You look great.

You look like Joker. Do you think Joker looks like a twat?

No.

Joker's so many women's, like, fantasy.

Really?

I think so. He's ledger.

Are you looking at me for?

He's going to validate it.

Yeah, but...

He's ledger.

Yeah, he's tissue.

He's ledger as Joker.

As Joker?

Yeah.

The bad guy vibes, like Vin Diesel kind of thing.

No, he's not mine.

I like Batman more.

Which one?

Who's your favourite Batman?

It's all about the chin.

I think...

No, not Michael Keaton.

I can't believe you ever got cast as Batman.

I thought he was a great Batman.

No.

Because he's got a bit of a lisp as well.

It's the Nolan way as well.

I thought he was good as Bruce Wayne as well.

Who?

It was Bruce Wayne.

Oh yeah, the normal guy.

Yeah.

But I like Christian Bales.

He's got a bit of a fang.

A natural fang.

And a little bit of a lisp and a good chin.

Which is good for Batman.

Yeah, we can only see his chin really.

So he needs to have a good chin.

This podcast, we're talking about

what scares you.

And that's the reason we are in this

outfit or makeup or whatever.

You're not even in an outfit.

I've got my full Joker outfit upstairs.

You want to get it on?

Peter has such a ponchant for getting dressed up

in the prop box. I'm surprised.

Because he's just...

He's too cool, isn't he?

I expected to have a big 6x7 Chewbacca today.

I know. I've got my full Ledge outfit.

Ledge outfit?

You wouldn't wear it.

I thought that would be funny.

It's weird.

It was midday.

We just got builders round.

It's Halloween, Pete.

It's Halloween?

It's Halloween?

No context.

I've got stuff to do.

I'm walking around talking to builders

about various stuff that's going on as Ledge.

Maybe they'd do what you say.

If you'd dressed up as Ledge.

Maybe I'd scare them into action.

So yeah, we're talking about

what scares you in a relationship.

We're not talking about Halloween.

We're talking about in a relationship what scares you.

Or also your fears.

You're scared of what?

Inclosed spaces, heights.

Obviously we've talked about your health anxiety.

Things like that.

I'm talking about you personally and then we'll get on to relationships.

What scares you?

What scares me?

Everything.

Just leaving my house.

That's true though, isn't it?

You do worry.

I reckon what scares you the most is probably

a night away.

Without your family.

I could never stay on my own.

Ever. Which is pathetic really, isn't it?

It is.

I don't want to say pathetic but it's

because it's nice in some ways that you miss

kind of me and the kids and whatever.

It's not that.

You don't like staying on your own.

I don't miss you.

I just don't want to get mad at you.

I don't miss you.

Exactly. No, I'm joking.

You're not a liar.

It's not a negative

thing if you have things that you like

and you don't like as well.

But you fear.

If I said to you

you've got to stay in a hotel tonight in Norwich

and no one else is going to be there.

No, not happening.

You would be very scared.

I wouldn't stay in a hotel in the Maldives on my own

one night.

Never mind Norwich. Never mind Bloody Norwich.

I've stayed there for three months.

Enjoyed it.

But you're not really scared of anything?

I'm not scared of a hotel on my own.

You're scared of

Pete's scared of crowds.

He's ironic.

He played in front of like seven million people.

I'm not scared of crowds.

I'm quite claustrophobic.

When you get off the plane and there's like a big queue

to go through passport control

Pete has a meltdown.

Like being with all other people.

No, twice you've done this.

Twice. And he can't breathe.

Really? Yeah.

You've never seen

like a

it's like a sea of

we can see his head.

You can't see a space.

I freaked out a little bit.

You'd be fine.

You're like the head bigger than everyone.

Pediscope piece.

Literally.

If anyone should feel alright.

Imagine Danny DeVito in that scene.

Shits himself.

It's not really that.

It's the main thing.

The main thing is like

you know when people say you get buried alive

like in a tight space.

You don't have an MRI scan.

I don't know if you've ever had an MRI scan.

But if you have them on your head

you have to go in fully

and you're basically kind of

and you can't move and you're in this scanner

and everyone has to go out.

Apart from me, who had to sit next to Pete?

Obviously it was nice.

Get full radiation

because Pete was too scared to go in on his own.

I just can't do it.

I said I just don't think I can do this.

Do you know what they do now?

They give him...

VR headset on

and he was like I was just in the outside

taking a walk and he played all old music for them.

I just don't fancy a VR headset.

He said I couldn't produce like you.

And then with the VR he was like

it was absolutely a walk in the park.

Oh my God.

I think I'd get Kostrovobic off a VR set.

I mean it's so immersive.

It is incredible.

It's also open scanners now.

I just don't like being confined.

What about as a couple?

What do you dread?

What about when I get old and bald?

That is a big fear of mine.

Yeah.

I just don't think you'd soupy and bald.

Do you fear that?

Is that a fear of yours?

It's not a fear.

You can get a fix on it.

He sent you to take it.

But you get people get old.

People need to go to take it though.

Obviously.

Just shut the whole hospital down in Harley Street

the day Harley gets it done.

The boiler.

Leave me hanging there.

I'll stroll up there and be Gucci's.

Oi oi.

Shut this place.

I need some Barnet.

Are you scared of me getting old?

Not at all really, no.

I'm not scared of you getting old.

What about like saggy bingo wings

and saggy bum?

I tell you what, it's a fear of mine.

Did you ever see that episode of Sex in the City

where she was sleeping with the older guy?

No.

He was really old and he was like a billionaire

so she was like thought it'd be good

and then he stood up

to go for a wee in the night and his bum

was like an empty fart cushion.

Like saggy.

White hanging.

It's gonna, it's gonna, it's happening.

It happens.

Well it doesn't if you go to the gym

and work on your glutes.

Mind you, I can't talk.

That's what mine's like now.

A bag of old whooshing, isn't it?

Look.

You look sensational.

That's like a joke.

You look sensational.

That's absolutely nothing to worry about there.

What about when you first start dating

do you know you've always got that like anxiety

of like meeting friends for the first time

the fam in laws and things like that.

What about that?

Well it did scare me a bit because you're not like a normal person

you're like a footballer or you wear a footballer

so instantly there's also that

oh this girl's up to no good.

You're a football digger.

You know so you've kind of got that

on your shoulders before you've even met anyone

so it's kind of not a real

a fair judgement.

You've got to prove yourself almost to the...

Yeah. I had to prove myself a lot

for many, many years to a lot of people

but fuck them.

Yeah.

You can get, you can say that now

but in the early days

that was hard for you.

Yeah.

I think there was a general perception isn't there

and then you know there probably is still people out there

you know what I mean.

I think this podcast probably helps

because people can see kind of the dynamic between it.

I think that would be like any girl

going out with a footballer

or anyone going out with someone

who's seen as got money or whatever

there's always that.

But it does happen doesn't it?

A lot.

But we've proved...

But men do to rich women as well.

They do to scoundrels.

Yeah.

There's always skepticism around

that when someone's kind of I don't know

famous or successful it's like

do they have the right motives?

Yeah.

And I think that was a play that did happen

in the start of our relationship.

People questioned it.

No one questioned you going out with me, why is that?

Well it was obvious

obviously you were beautiful

and that goes hand in hand

you know you with a big gawp

like me

raised a few questions.

Oh stop.

I think you're absolutely gorgeous.

Please.

Yeah.

Listen I know you're genuine

I mean of course.

No plenty of people didn't

in the early days.

I think that's what the fair find is.

It is funny though when you are young

and you're so worried about what people think

I think the best piece of advice ever

is to always be yourself

like I would be me if I met the queen

or the man at the

fish and chip shop.

It's not a hard thing to do but

if you're always you, if people don't like you

there's nothing you can do about it because you're being you.

That's so true.

And then when people like you

they like you genuinely and they really really like you

because you yourself

there's no edges or hidden

sides and I think that's very important.

In this kind of like

in this like mad world kind of

we find ourselves in now

there are people that aren't

themselves like when you see them

on screen or like

and then you meet them and you think oh my god it's totally

totally different.

But I think it would be fair I think

I would hand on heart say that

this is us.

Off this and on it.

But I think there's so many people that

I didn't realise there's a lot of people that aren't

aren't themselves.

But you can only do it for so long can't you?

I understand if you're doing a job and it's like

right you got very if you're a news reader

you're allowed to go away and have a laugh

I understand you being a different person in that scenario

that you've got a job to do but

there are some people portraying an image

maybe that that isn't true.

Yeah now it's worse if people are pretending

to be fun and then they're not.

Oh yeah. Yeah I think

I've met loads of people like that.

That's so weird I think.

They're like having a fowl to it and then you meet them

that have to drip really. Yeah but you meet all these

like YouTubers and things like that right now

you know you remember like

we've met over the course of time

they go oh they're influencers and this and that

and you go what

and they're totally different to what

what you see on you know the

YouTube channels where

and you meet them and they wouldn't say boo to a goose.

And then there's YouTube.

I wouldn't say YouTube.

Don't be dragging YouTube.

That's part of everything to you.

I know.

About Hardly Rouge.

Oh god we're going to see you too.

Oh yeah. Actually don't say that because Bono

will probably cancel the show.

Psycho.

But the fears and the relationship

change obviously as time goes on

obviously in the beginning you've got like anxiety.

I think when you're young as well like the

fears in your relationship are like

I think you're more jealous and

you go oh you're going to you know it's more childish.

Yeah.

And also the fear of like will it last

is this the right person.

Whereas now you know I think we've probably

passed that now.

Probably.

I didn't think that though did you?

What like will it last?

Or is this the right person? No.

I genuinely didn't think that.

I didn't have that

issue at all no.

Did you get cold feet?

Did you get cold feet before I went?

Not at all no.

Not for one second.

No I didn't.

My dad was like that on the Wednesday though.

Are you sure you want to in the car to the church?

Are you sure you want to do this?

If not I'll give the driver 20 quid and he'll take us back to him.

Like dad it'll be about 500 pounds.

Can you do less then?

Yeah you say I'm just fucking marrying then.

Yeah.

He literally would.

He would.

He would.

But I think

fears do change as you get older.

We don't like being apart do we?

We're just quite sad.

You've got kids to worry about I suppose.

That's where the worry comes in though.

Kids are the biggest worry.

The health anxiety for me is off the chain.

Yeah.

You worry about going on school trips.

You worry about what they fit in.

To be honest I actually haven't had those worries

about kids like personality wise because

they're great.

You know what I mean?

They're all good yeah.

They're confident kids

which is important.

But not confident in it.

Precocious little brat way.

Confident as funny.

Can hold their own kind of way.

Which is great.

Which is the best.

Alright well I'm well and truly scared.

Are you?

I don't want you to die.

I don't want our life to end.

Scared of getting old.

I want to stay like this forever.

I'm bizarrely not too scared of that really.

Yeah I know.

Before every life I don't know.

I feel like we...

I just feel like we've been blessed.

I mean our life.

So I don't fear

the ending.

I feel blessed to have had.

Very philosophical.

Very sane.

Why would you get a negative comment from that?

I've said I've had a good life

and like if it...

Obviously I don't want it to end but if it did I'd go

I was very fulfilled in that life.

What's selfish about that?

Because you can't die because of all of us.

I've said I don't want to die and I want to

be here for a long time and see the kids grow up

and grow old together.

But what I'm saying is I've had a good life

and I don't feel

if it ended early

it wouldn't be like

I feel fulfilled.

If I was sitting there on my deathbed

my deathbed was like tomorrow

I'd be like did I do this

did I do that

and I'd go actually yes I did.

Lucky you.

Would you not feel like that?

No.

I don't know, obviously I feel blessed

but I don't want to die.

Well neither do I.

I'm not saying I want to die.

Okay, just shut up.

Agony out of time.

Stop rubbing your eyes.

Shut up.

It's all over the couch.

It's all over the couch, the blue.

You put it on me, it's always comfortable.

Is Halloween special?

I touch my face a lot.

I can't help it.

It's like being married to a child.

Why?

Why is it?

Look how much you rub your face.

It's something I do.

It's like you saying incredible.

He's pulling it out the back.

We all have our habits don't we?

You say incredible every time for each word.

Isn't that a good word to say often?

If that's my most used word

I think that's a positive

because it's a positive word.

Not if you put gold after it.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

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Hi both.

Love the podcast and the credit after you too.

You're always giving me on the way to work.

I have an Acony app, but it's quite personal.

So please keep me in on.

As I know me and my partner, I have

friends who listen to the podcast.

To get to the point, I'm in a very loving

relationship. It's been going strong for about a year now.

And I'm lucky to boast one of the best

sex lives among my friendship group.

Woo!

However, there's one thing I've begun to notice more and more

as our relationship progresses and dare I stay

is starting to become a bit of a nick.

Oh no.

The issue is how loud my other half is.

When the bonk beats

the playlist gets its weekly shuffle.

I'm all for him expressing himself

and showing me he's having good time.

But recently this has gone to another level.

Not only am I finding this a bit awkward

for myself, but I also live in a flat

share and it makes me really uncomfortable knowing

my whole house is listening to us

while we have a bit of slap and tickle.

I don't want to make my boyfriend self

conscious in the bedroom and everything

else is pretty much perfect, apart from this

one thing. Do I risk rocking the boat

and tell him or am I being a bit

uptight and should go with the motion of the ocean?

All advice, welcome

Anon.

Don't really like a loud man.

Would you like them to be silent

in all aspects?

I want them to be silent but deadly.

Silent but deadly?

Like a nice little SPD.

Stop rubbing your face.

Oh, silent but deadly.

SPD. Right, well that's all the advice

you can give them there, innit?

No, I think she can easily broach this one.

I think she should say my housemate to just keep saying.

Keep having sex so loud.

We're going to have to be quiet.

Just keep it down.

That's why you're the Yagini app.

Watch your thoughts on loud, loud

kids.

Like, obviously it's

I think it's fine for the

lady.

I don't think it's great for the man

to give up.

Really?

No one needs to wear that.

No one needs to.

I don't know. I've got loads of words to say.

We'll talk about that later.

I'll read that one.

Hi, Yagini app.

I'm hoping you may be able to help me

with this one as me and my hobby both

listen together and generally agree with most

of the advice you to dish out on the reg.

David,

I love you darling.

However,

I just like the way she's like,

darling like a letter.

David, I love you darling. However,

without your toenails,

we've been together 11 years now and

I know we accept each other's

I know we accept each other's warts and all

but these are getting beyond a joke. Not only are we

struggling to keep up the stock bill due to all the holes

you keep putting in them, but they're starting

to become a major turn off.

There's not a more off button than when we are playing

footsie in bed and your big toe scrapes

the skin off my shin.

I'm not sure if this counts as an

Yagini app or just more of a general

general name and shame.

Just a general win.

But I'm hoping Abby and Peter

are just as discussed as I am

and their reaction will encourage you to

let me go loose and get you a pedicure

or yours always

reach.

That's not ideal, is it?

Long toenails.

Add bite's mine off.

Add bite's mine.

No I don't.

Why are you being shy now?

How could you lie about that?

I swear to God.

On my life.

On your life I don't.

You do the big one.

On your life.

May you drop.

I swear on your life.

How could you lie by the way?

Why are you doing this?

I can't believe how good you are.

Don't turn it around on Peter.

I swore on Pete's life may he drop dead

on my own life may I drop dead.

We said we were going to be honest on this podcast.

I swear on my life

and Pete's life and the kids lives

I don't.

Put your toenails.

Full of black spots.

And toenails.

I don't. That's disgusting.

Don't be spreading rumours like that about me.

Wow.

Cool big one there.

Pete has a guy come round

and just sort his foot out.

I've got a bad height.

He's got a horn.

I've run on my nails.

He needs to come round once a month.

That's not true.

How good are you lying then?

That's right on me.

No dear.

We haven't helped them.

Trim them.

You can't be having big long toenails like that.

Like Jason's scraped.

Jason's got like old hard skin on the bottom of his feet.

And when he's in bed

like great Stacy's shin

with the sole of his feet.

No wonder.

Obviously being a footballer

my feet aren't the best either.

I'll just throw that in.

Being a footballer, that's why I've got a corn.

What do you want me to say?

What do you want me to say when I was like

working abroad

or as a translator?

I was a footballer.

That's not the reason you've got a skanky feet.

I've got a skanky feet anyway.

I've been running on them for years.

Your feet. You've got varucas.

It says use.

Your big chicken drumstick.

All caught big one there.

Why size 30?

We actually share trainers now.

She's taking a turn.

Let's go back to the end.

So you think I've got big feet?

What would you prefer me to have like a little size 2 trotter?

Pig's trotter?

It's nice for all the size 2 listeners out there.

Pig's trotters, he's called.

Let's move on anyway.

Put up your toes.

Hi Abby and Pete.

I have a bit of an agony up here and I'm hoping

you can help me with it.

Please don't judge me too much.

Me and this boy have been off and on for a while now

and recently...

He said off and on.

You can't say off and on.

On and off.

You can say off and on though.

You're off and then you're on.

But actually, if you think about it logically,

you'd be off before you'd be on.

You wouldn't be on before you'd be off.

You never on first, do you?

You have to be off to be on.

Let's just say on and off because it's just freaking me out.

Okay.

On and off then.

We've been on and off for a while now.

Recently decided to start dating.

Looks and personality wise,

it takes all the boxes and our sex life

is to put it in your words, Abby.

Incredible.

I've got to say.

The way it's done that I do is, you know.

You know.

There's one small thing though, is breath.

Now I'm no stranger to a bit of morning breath.

I'm willing to put my hands up to that.

However, this is Virgin God, Halitosis Territory.

We've spent the night together a few times.

I've witnessed him brushing his teeth twice a day.

He doesn't eat particularly smelly food.

But my God does his breath poll.

I've got to say,

my God does his breath poll.

I feel really shallow.

Even just typing this as he does tick all my other boxes.

But when you're trying to lick lips

and all you can focus on...

Lick lips?

Lock lips. Sorry, do I say lick?

When you're trying to lock lips

and all you can focus on is that warm smelly odor.

It's difficult to get your love juices flowing.

Yeah, I know what she feels.

We are too early doors for me to say anything straight out.

So I need some advice on how I can subtly get him

to get this checked out.

Can I have a pack of polos?

I just put loads of chewing gums

and polos in Pete's cart.

What do you do?

Who, too?

I just put them in his bag,

in the glove box,

in the middle of the cart.

I buy him loads of corsadol.

I do buy myself a lot of corsadol.

Not for that reason.

I like corsadol.

I hate the words bad breath.

It just knocks me down.

I think the word breath.

Because you've got to hit the end.

Breath.

It's breath.

You've just got to hit it off and on.

It's a bad word, isn't it?

I think...

It's going to kill him when you speak to him about it.

Because if my breath is sometimes bad,

you say it to me and I feel...

You get offended if I say that.

Well, I am offended. It's not nice.

But it's only if you play at fish or something like that.

It's not like you've got bad breath.

It's like if you have...

It's a real off put, isn't it?

I think you would rather now.

It's embarrasing, but it's like having a barrier

or something in your nose.

You want to be told, wouldn't you?

You wouldn't if I'm going like,

oh, there's old Ross Bad Breath.

There's Ross Pongoli.

It's all skunk man.

Pongoli.

There's old Ross Pongoli.

You wouldn't know, would you?

I just don't know.

I just don't know what to say about this.

Because...

It's going to hurt his feelings,

but you need to tell him.

I just couldn't snog someone with bad breath, though, could you?

Maybe just buy him

a hygienist appointment

for Valentine's Day or something.

How romantic.

I'd love that.

I've been made up. Have you got me?

Why don't you both go?

They're awesome, aren't they?

They're hygienists now.

They're just dentists.

They have a hygienist that cleans it all down.

Booking together.

Go for a couple's one.

Like a couple's retreat.

A couple's dental retreat.

Weekend away.

I've booked this retreat.

Love it.

Love the oral I was expecting.

LAUGHTER

Well done.

Well done.

Back of the net.

The way Pete makes himself laugh so much,

it's just outrageous

if you've ever seen anyone laugh that much

about their own joke.

Stop touching him.

If he's a good one, you've got to give yourself a pat on the back.

That is a good one.

Hi, Abby and Pete.

Someone says this, but thank you so much

for the lulls you two give us.

Weekend and weekout.

Weekout, weekend.

Dog walks used to be an evening chore

and still are six nights of the week,

but I have recently found myself itching

to get out the house on a Tuesday Eve

to catch up on your week's antics.

As I type this, I already feel ashamed.

However, I'm in desperate need of some advice.

It is to do with my husband's lines.

Specifically his hair and waist.

I feel like recently

he has stopped taking care of his appearance

and has become complacent in our relationship.

I'm not expecting to turn out like George Clooney

every day, however,

I do put in a certain amount of effort to myself

and I try and make sure he stays attracted to me

and I feel this is not being reciprocated.

His hair is a mess.

He's been clinging onto the three remaining strands.

For God knows how long now

and his forehead is well and truly a five head now.

I honestly think he would look so much better

if he just whipped the whole lot off

and grew his beard.

Hashtag Vikings.

Also, he has completely neglected training.

When we first met, he would go three, four times a week

religiously and now he's lucky

if he does it once a month.

I'm all for electric cushion for the push-in

but this is going too far.

What can I do to whip my husband back into shape?

Also, do not be afraid to pull any punches

as we've been with each other for long enough

now that we can say whatever we want

as long as it's the truth

and comes from a good place.

Thanks, Jen.

If it was a normal relationship,

I think you would be the first to tell me

get them three strands off

and get yourself to the gym.

That's what I do say to you.

And I've taken note.

No joking.

It is hard

because you do become comfortable, don't you?

And when you first meet

like you go into bed with a full face of make-up on

just to wake up looking nice or whatever.

I think

you become more comfortable

but I still think

you've got to look after yourself.

You can't help boldness

but you've got three strands

they've got to go over.

They've got to go, I think.

I think she should

just have an honest

conversation.

When I first met you

you were gorgeous,

you go in the gym, you were taking care of yourself

and

he's either too comfortable or unhappy

if he's doing there.

We've talked about this on the pod before

like when you go to the gym

and you do things, it doesn't have to be the gym.

You might do running or cycling, whatever you want to do.

Take sport like tennis, paddles,

I don't know, something active

just to get you kind of

into it again and then once you're into it

you do enjoy it and you might just go out

that routine. Maybe do something together.

That's always a good chance.

Let's go on a bike ride.

Let's go to the gym together.

We've retired four years.

Not really.

Can you do yoga together a few weeks ago?

I'd like to do more of that though.

I would.

I love going to the gym together.

Yeah, it's good.

We'll do that.

We'll take note.

Maybe you try and do it together as well.

Jen.

Good luck with it.

Can I take this make-up off now?

You're keeping it on all night.

Told you.

The girls dig Joker.

Didn't realise.

Who knew? Joker and Vin Diesel.

Shut up.

And Vikings.

It's a vibe.

I'm going to shave your head and keep that face mask on

and put you in a Viking outfit.

I'm going to make triple stress.

Triple stress.

Triple stress.

I've enjoyed this week's podcast.

A lot of fun.

I enjoyed that.

Now we've got to get involved. Obviously the kids are off.

Let's take them trick or treating.

Take them trick or treating.

God.

Maybe we should leave instead of sweet out.

Instead of leaving sweet out.

Tonight we should just give people a copy of our book.

And they knock on.

That's a sure-fire way to get egged.

Yeah, exactly.

100%.

We'll take the trick.

What are you doing for Halloween anyway?

You just stay like that.

Thanks for listening and we'll see you next week.

See you next week.

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Machine-generated transcript that may contain inaccuracies.

Keeping in the spirit of the spookiest day of the year, Abbey and Peter have donned their best outfits and are talking all things fright night. 

Before delving into everything that gives them the heebie jeebies though, we have a recap on what could have potentially been the best week of Abbey’s life……so far. 


There is some big name dropping in this week’s podcast, with Madonna, Frankie Dettori, Mick Hucknall of Simply Rouge and Mr Micky Mouse himself all getting honourable mentions. 


It’s a laugh a minute on today’s Therapy Crouch, with Dad jokes galore, Pete’s biggest fears exposed and Abbey’s sharp scouse wit is in full swing to keep everyone in check. 


In our Agony Ab section, Abbey and Pete are on hand to give advice on toenail health and maintenance as well as what to do when your hubby starts to neglect his hair and waistlines! 


Happy Halloween from all the team at The Therapy Crouch! 


Our book The Therapy Crouch: In Search of a Happy (N)ever After is out NOW!! To order your copy got to👇


https://lnk.to/therapycrouch 


00:00 Introduction

03:27 Madonna 

06:27 Airport Ab (Airport Anxiety)

10:00 Theater Trip

15:28 Meeting Mick Hucknall

22:33 Dad Jokes

24:25 Audience Whines

28:36 Let’s gets snoggin

29:50 Prop box

32:20 Fears and Anxieties 

35:05 Claustrophobic Crouchy

38:47 Relationship fears in the early stages of dating.

42:16 Ageing 

46:32 Agony Abs - Loud lovers

48:49 Toenail Troubles

52:39 Halitosis Heartreak

57:15 When a forehead becomes a fivehead


To contact us: 


Email: thetherapycrouch@gmail.com 


Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ thetherapycrouchpodcast/ 


TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/ @thetherapycrouch 


Website: https://thetherapycrouch.com/ 


For more from Peter


https://twitter.com/petercrouch


For more from Abbey


https://www.instagram.com/abbeyclancy


Our clips channel


https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZntcv96YhN8IvMAKsz4Dbg



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