The Therapy Crouch: Glasto...Part 2

You've ruined my glass of the experience.

This podcast has gone straight to his head.

Go on, Crouchyland.

Hello and welcome to the therapy program.

Hello.

God.

How are you?

More like it.

Ross, the absolute liability.

Producer Ross, we've realised it's okay enough.

Producer Ross is bad from next year's Glastonbury because...

We ended up on a bus at one stage.

I thought Glastonbury was like contained in one kind of...

How do you get on a bus? I don't know.

Glastonbury? We've popped our Glasto Cherry.

The voices are probably to the story.

Not only so much Rocket Man, you can sing, I think.

Rocket Man!

Oh, my God. We've obviously been a Glastonbury guys.

It's the first time we've ever been and...

You know, there's nothing on Earth like it.

You know when everyone says it to you, you don't know and you're like,

well, God, like banging on a bit about it.

Like, Christ almighty, it is big.

Massive.

See, I did... Yeah, it's mammoth.

It's think big and then times by 100.

You know, it's just...

Like, to be honest, I had reservations on my first day.

Because, you know, we literally walked 27 miles a day.

No, it's not.

That's wrong.

It was more than that.

Was it?

We walked 12 miles from midnight.

It's half a man of mine.

Yeah, so obviously one of the lads had it on his phone

and he said, 55,000 steps in a day.

It's a lot of steps.

Yeah, yeah.

But it's worth it.

They are like...

The only thing is obviously because we were staying off-site,

which I would...

We were lucky with that, really.

We arrived at Glastonbury.

We stayed off-site.

You know, I've been 30, nearly 38 years without going in a tent.

So I thought, now's the time.

Are you just never going to go in a tent in your life?

No.

Fancy, I don't understand why you'd want to sleep somewhere

where it's in your own bed.

That's my philosophy.

Well...

There's no fun in that for me at all.

I agree.

It didn't look...

A lot of people were thinking about having a good time in a tent.

It's like some people have good times in a tent, don't they?

Yeah.

I agree.

I have to agree with you.

I'm not...

I don't feel I'm a tent man.

You know, if we were in, like, Colorado on some, like,

wildlife expedition, you know, at one with nature, but I don't want to camp with

seven million people in tiny tents in, you know, freezing at night, roasting in the morning.

You know, how on earth do people find their tents?

Honestly, no.

There was acres of tents, acres of tents.

Yeah.

Flags.

And there was only one distinctive tent that I saw that stood out from the rest,

and that was that leopard print one.

Yeah, true.

I thought they've got the right idea.

Yeah, I suppose you'd find that one, wouldn't you?

But you know, I just think the whole thing's intense.

Hey!

It's too intense.

It is intense.

So we arrived.

We arrived Friday.

The rest of the gang have been there since Thursday, so they were one day ahead of us,

and already half dead.

And then we came in hot as well.

We came in.

I went right because this is my first day view.

I think I probably came out of the traps a bit too early.

So I spent the whole first day of class, you know,

got home to the house afterwards, speaking to the kids, and they're like,

oh, Mum, how was it?

Who did you see?

And no one.

I didn't hear one song the whole day of Glastonbury because Pete was having too much of a good time

drinking beers and got himself in a bit of a state.

So that was handy.

But it's like the first day of holiday.

It's all, it's like the rules.

I don't know, it's Brits are broad.

Brits on tour, isn't it?

It's what we do.

We just go in hard day one, ruin it, and then just hang over.

You didn't just ruin it.

Like, you had the best time, but you ruined it for everyone else.

Like, literally.

I ruined it.

She's going to be the next day she went.

First thing when you wake up, it's like, Pete,

you've ruined my Glastonbury experience.

Because you're not, you're so tall, you're too tall.

I can't carry it.

Of course, I can't have a good time if I'm too tall.

No, you can.

I can't carry it or lift you up because you're too heavy.

Do you know what I was like?

You know the, you know, the wavy things you get at the car parks.

There's actually one of those there in the,

Yeah, there was.

I said, I don't know what you're laughing at.

I'm scratching you remember.

Yeah, I've got no judgements here.

People in glass houses.

Hey, listen, you, you weren't, you were okay yourself on Elton John,

running around like a blue arse fly.

Elton John, what an experience that was.

Oh, change the subject well there.

No, no.

No, let's, let's start from the beginning.

Let's paint the scene.

So we're in our house, lovely, beautiful sanctuary, farmhouse,

chickens, lambs, you know, a little piece of heaven in Somerset and gets to Glastonbury.

And probably my first complaint going to put out there is the war from the cart to get in.

It's literally an hour and a half walk.

Fairly mind.

One, one of the best quotes I've ever heard.

I think it was, was you said Paul McCartney is not doing this.

So why am I?

You've just added that on.

You said Paul McCartney and Kate Moss come here every year.

I bet you they're not doing this.

I didn't say Kate Moss.

I just said Paul McCartney.

Don't be putting elastic on it.

You did, you did say Kate Moss once as well though.

No, I said, I can't imagine Paul McCartney doing an hour and a half walk to get to Glastonbury.

One of our groups said, are you comparing yourself to Paul McCartney?

No, I'm far better.

I'm the greatest songwriter in my generation.

No.

I think I feel like the podcast has gone to our head, if I'm honest.

They're like, the success of this podcast.

You were getting a few shout outs at the first.

You liked to be fair, I didn't notice that.

Yeah.

Is that a joke?

What you've just said?

No.

Be deadly serious.

You think the podcast's gone to my head?

100%.

You are a complete arsehole.

Are you straight around now?

So if you're like a radio icon.

Shut up.

Happy Moeels.

I am not that kind of person at all, so don't be painting that picture of me.

No, I wasn't comparing myself to Paul McCartney.

What I was saying is there must be another way and can we find what it is?

Okay, because it was a long way.

The blisters on my feet.

I've cut all my feet to shreds.

You've cut your leg.

I've got a weird rash as well, like on my calf.

What is that?

Is that jock itch?

No, in fact, jock itch.

But we were, I wasn't comparing myself to Paul McCartney by the way.

I was just thinking there must be another way we can get in without this mama's walk.

Anyway, the weather was incredible.

The weather was unbelievable.

You just cannot believe the sheer size of this place.

It's incredible.

It goes on and on and on.

I actually think we saw like a third of Glastonbury.

What do you think?

Yeah, you know what's good as well?

Like other than just after hours, you just stumble upon like mad place, mad tents and

places to go, like kind of dancey tents after.

At first, it was Arctic Monkeys, and then we went to like, was it Glitterbox or something?

Yeah, this night was Arctic Monkeys.

That was great.

Amazing to see them again.

Yeah, and then obviously Glitterbox was just like the old school dance kind of.

It's just a funny thing.

No matter what time of day, there's just people in vast crowds walking in every direction.

It's like being in like Robocop or something of that kind of...

Is it Robocop?

That movie?

Where they're like, it's like in the future where everyone's like dressed up in mad stuff.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

Where's everyone going?

Oh, no, you're mad max.

Kind of.

Mad max, yeah.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Yeah, it's just something.

Like someone looking, like if an alien was looking down on us, they'd be like,

what the hell are you all doing?

What are they up to?

Just walking everywhere.

But we were like, we're going the wrong way.

At every point, we were walking against the grain, weren't we?

Thousands of people come towards us.

We were going the other way.

Well, I was thinking like, well, because obviously we didn't have a clue what we were doing.

So I think we must have been going the wrong way,

because everyone's going the other way every time.

Who was your best act?

Elton John was just...

That's the best thing I've ever seen.

That's the best thing I've ever seen.

I think that's the best thing I've ever seen.

Yeah.

Like just, I think because it was maybe, you know, potentially his last gig in England,

in the UK.

Why is it?

Well, he said that.

Yeah, it was the end of his farewell tour.

Yeah.

He's been doing the farewell tour for about 10 years.

Five years.

He's been doing it, yeah.

It's a five-year farewell, but he, you know, why not?

There's no one out there who's got, like, that belter of the belter,

like a catalogue that he's got.

And to perform them, like, to that level.

You know, it's just...

He's just world-class.

He's a different level.

You know, he's a megastar.

The talent that, you know, is...

I actually don't think you see that now.

It doesn't matter.

I don't think...

I don't think...

I mean, there's no one you can compare him to now.

No.

That whole, that whole, like, generation of, you know, Prince George, Elton.

You know, you don't make them like they used to.

They don't, you know.

You don't?

That's...

Do you know what those old people say, though?

Do you know that?

Is it?

Yeah.

It's unfortunate.

I remember my grand saying that.

Don't make them like they used to.

Like, Bing Crosby.

Don't make them like they used to.

Sinatra.

Don't make them like they used to.

No, but think about it.

Who've you got them to compare it to?

For the R.D.?

I'm thinking, like...

I'm thinking, like...

Like, is Michael Jackson, right?

He even brings a bloody cover out.

It's like, I'm gonna say a song.

It's something like Michael Jackson kind of Madonna.

Michael Jackson, the Donner.

Michael Jackson, the Donner.

Right, Prince.

Yeah.

Rolling Stones.

Yeah, all of them.

Kind of like Freddie Mercury.

Like, that's the level.

That's...

And to see it kind of at Glastonbury Prize

for the first time in that incredible place.

Yeah.

It just...

All the stars kind of aligned.

I felt that there was a beautiful sunset.

Wasn't there?

Do you remember all those flares over on the top of the hill?

It was like a moment, wasn't it?

It was definitely a moment.

That was like a once in a lifetime experience.

Ah, God.

Do you know what I was worried about?

You know, like, I was worried about kind of being...

Because there's no real kind of place to kind of hide,

and I can't hide anywhere.

I was thinking that it's gonna be a bit more

kind of hassle, but for me a bit.

But who cares about you?

Kate Mosson?

Plumber Can't Even Walk Around?

No, I know that.

But I'm just saying, like...

His podcast has gone straight to his head.

So what I'm saying is I'm eight foot.

Like, I'm easily, like, recognisable, am I?

I think that's the whole, like, spirit of Glastonbury,

like, everyone.

You know, that's one thing I would say compared to

some of the festivals I've been to.

Obviously, because the Isle of Wight every year,

and that is a different level.

Festival, it's absolutely...

Well, Glastonbury.

You know, there's like a kind of magic in the air

where everyone's there to have a good time,

and it's kind of...

It feels safe, doesn't it?

Yeah, there's no barnies or anything like that.

No, there's no, like, fighting or no, like, lager louts,

apart from you, Ross.

Not like Crouch, at first.

First, there was a Scouser.

Huh?

Probably because everyone there was a Scouser.

I've never been, apart from being in Liverpool,

I've never been surrounded by as many Scousers in my life.

I love it, though.

I love it.

I love it.

You spat them a mile away as well, can't you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Kate, though.

It all had a good time.

Everyone I spoke to was from Liverpool.

Literally.

And you could just hear them walk and pass.

Like, yes, it goes accent.

I'd just be scrolling around, and I'd just say,

Go to Crouchy, lad.

It is right, Crouchy, lad.

It's right there, lad.

The friendly, though.

Yeah, that was great.

It was just a great vibe.

You know what I like when we...

Because when we came into Elton John Rock,

we were a bit late, because we were late for everything,

really, the whole week.

Yeah, we didn't plan it.

No one tells you this.

No one tells you that each stage is nine hours.

Like, nine hour walk.

Apart.

And then...

So rock and roll got under your skin this weekend, didn't it?

Yeah, because I...

So weekly wine this week is walking, in general.

Well, we can just go straight into our weekly wine.

My weekly wine is that to myself.

I didn't listen to everyone's advice

to buy myself a pair of Solomon's.

And...

Not the Solomon's.

The Solomon's.

The Sally's lad.

Everyone was...

Everyone, it was Solomon's, had such a better time

than me.

My feet.

You wore like a high heel wellie thing.

What was that about?

Because you're eight foot.

The only contenders I've ever seen have a heel on.

No one's ever...

No one had a heel on.

No one.

It's a heeled wellie.

And the reason a heeled wellie is because

I didn't get my jeans hemmed.

So they were too long without...

Okay.

No, I wore a biker.

Well, that's gone well over my head, though.

I wore biker boots.

Yeah.

But did they...

Well, to be fair, I had, like, kind of walking boots.

But you didn't have Solomon's?

I feel a chafed death.

I've got...

I've had a lot of messages about the cream suede walk and boots.

They didn't make an appearance, did they?

No, they didn't.

Like, when I got there, everyone went,

are they too nice to, like, ruin?

Then I was always like,

maybe I'm not balling after all.

Yeah, they were too nice to kind of put on,

because all my shoes got wrecked, all of them.

You didn't wear them the first day,

so you saw the state that your shoes were in,

so you were like...

Oh, my God.

Or I had two pairs and they all got completely wrecked.

That's what I'm going to do next year,

get myself a pair of Solomon's,

or a pair of Grayson's, or...

You can get a new husband as well.

Why?

A pair of you and a pair of Solomon's.

You know, because my brother was the first one

to introduce us to these Solomon's,

we all absolutely came in for it.

Solomon's these, like, professional trainers.

Do you say professional?

Yeah, professional walking, professional fanny repellents.

Fanny repellents.

But they're really cool.

Yeah.

They've got all the cool, cool cats with them.

Is it, though?

It is.

Yeah, I'm not sure about that.

It is.

Do you know what I'm saying?

I didn't know it was on this trip.

The bomb bag came out.

Can you believe it?

Four years, I think, to the day that I purchased it.

And I said, do you remember my words?

I said, you wait.

I said, these will be in fashion.

I said, I'm so far ahead of the curve.

And you said, don't be so ridiculous.

Boom, straight on.

It's not that it was in fashion.

I wanted to, like, put my bits and barbs, like...

Which is why I bought it.

So another thing about blastering,

you have to keep your paper ticket.

So if you go in and out of sight, that doesn't make sense.

On and off-site.

If you go on and off-site,

to get back in the next day,

you need to not only show your wristbands,

but your paper ticket.

On the walk-up to the gate, Ross loses his.

He's a liability, it's worthy.

It's a cool thing.

Yeah.

Do you know what?

We only brought you because we had to do our podcast.

Like, honestly, if we went doing the podcast here,

you wouldn't be invited to just FYI.

Thanks, Abbie.

Don't just bear in mind.

So it's a bear in mind.

Ross lost his bag, his passport, his phone,

all his money and his ticket.

So what are you trying to say here?

The reason I wore the bum bag

is because I could put it around my waist.

All my stuff was there.

It was safe.

I was hands-free.

Exactly for all the reasons I've put it for.

Safe, hands-free, stylish, adaptable, cool.

Just perfect, isn't it?

No one looks as good as you in the bum bag department.

So you're going back to the...

So that's my weekly wear and to myself, my shoes.

That's one thing I'll definitely bear in mind next time.

So bear in mind, we'll be late for every gig.

We went to the whole of Glastonbury every time.

We should hold in, obviously, late to Elton John,

because we've been at Mantra of the Cosmos.

Yeah, our friend Nandy's in a band.

Andy Beall's band.

And they were fantastic.

I actually didn't want to leave that, but, you know,

there's so many things that overlap,

and you want to see...

So you have to see a bit of this band, a bit of that band.

But we found a plot, like, because you got cut for it.

It was, what is it, 350,000 people?

I don't know, I probably might have made that number up, but...

But it felt like I've never seen anything like it.

Everywhere, every bar was empty.

Bars were empty?

Yeah, every bar was empty, because everyone was part of it.

The whole of the festival, when they're in there.

Yeah, literally, like, because there's so many different tents and stages,

but it felt like everyone was out on John,

because it was such a moment.

So we couldn't get a spot, right?

And I was thinking, you know, we're all like crushed in, aren't we?

There was nowhere to go.

And then we found a place by the toilets.

And obviously, no one would stand next to the toilets.

Well, actually, you know, bearing in mind the smell wasn't great,

but the view was perfect for us, because we're reasonably tall.

Well, I didn't see any toilets.

I only saw, like, a fence, and I didn't notice any smell.

I just noticed that we were, like, right in the centre,

had loads of space and thought it was, like, the best position.

That's what I mean, because we had a dance floor.

Yeah.

So there was a bit of a dance floor going on.

It was just incredible.

That was just, I think, well, definitely the best performance

I've ever seen in my life.

Yeah.

Who was your favourite, Ross?

I liked the Foo Fighters, because they were so good.

Becky Hill was really good as well, wasn't she?

She was so good.

Oh, day one, we only saw the Arctic Monkeys.

And we went to see DJ Tony in Glitterbox.

It was playing some absolute bangers.

Some bangers in there.

You remember that?

Yeah.

It was a long day.

Absolute liability.

Day two, I was exhausted from day one, you know, being a babysitter.

Can we stop, please?

No.

What am I going to do, like, go to Glastonbury and be sober as a judge?

No.

Day three, for me, was the one.

Yeah.

I think we kind of got our bearings.

We knew where we were going.

You know, we had our little shortcuts, our little routes,

you know, our little meet-up points.

You know, everyone was having the best time.

I think that was it.

We saw the most acts that day.

So we went from Becky Hill.

The sun was shining.

It was roasting.

Everyone was dancing, having a great time.

Then from there, we went to see Lil Nas X.

It was also unreal.

Then we went to see Candy Stanton,

because she's got some absolute bangers.

And then we went to see Andy's band,

Banger of the Cosmos,

and then the grand finale, Elton.

It's just...

It's hard to get back to, kind of, to normally, isn't it, after?

So obviously this house is, like, half an hour away,

so even the journey going back to the house was fun.

We had all the tunes on, all dancing in the car, didn't we?

It was just amazing.

And I think it's vital to have a good group with you at Glastow.

You want the right people with you.

You're welcome.

It's important, like, everywhere you go, isn't it, really?

It's so important.

You know, you want everyone who's, like,

wants the same vibe.

You know, it's up for a laugh, enjoying themselves.

It's easy to get...

Easy to lose people, isn't it, there?

So easy.

How many times did you get lost, Ross?

I lost count.

But funny things, like, we bumped into people we knew,

out of all of those thousands and thousands of people.

But when we lost our John,

and then we were walking to go home,

and they was just a sea of people,

and then I just saw our John.

I was like, my God.

It's crazy, isn't it?

Yeah.

It's crazy.

And then, like, all the tents are, like, different themed, aren't they?

Like, the rabbit hole was cool, wasn't it?

Wacky and wonderful, like, crazy.

It's almost, like, going into, like, Alice in Wonderland.

Like, lights, different themes.

Some massive stages, as well.

How was it?

Oh, right.

It's the end of the rabbit hole.

The rabbit hole.

That makes sense, though, yeah?

That's why it was Alice in Wonderland.

Sorry, but nothing makes sense when you've been drinking for 12 hours.

It was, like, one in the morning when you go there.

Yeah.

The rabbit hole, like, makes perfect sense.

Now, you've explained that it's Alice in Wonderland theme.

Yeah, I was like, God, why is everyone, like, dressed up?

Like, they're in Alice in Wonderland.

It's Alice in Wonderland, named.

I just think a day were the bad ones.

Actually, it was us.

So, at the end of the night, when you've seen all the bands,

because the bands finish quite early, don't they?

Yeah, fairly early, about 12.

Finished about 11.

So, we were on search for the dance tent.

Yeah, and it was good.

It was good.

Where did we go?

So, Defected.

It was a lot of fun.

Didn't you know the DJ?

I did, yeah, Monkey, because I did a show with Donald Chamlet.

Okay.

And I worked, I was, like, directed for a bit,

and she was in the female team.

And she was, like, a top DJ for Defected, yeah.

That was amazing.

She was great, wasn't she?

Yeah, fab.

You know, after Elton had finished,

you know, it was such a moment.

Everyone was literally on cloud nine, like, oh, my God,

what did we just witness?

So, we needed to, like, dance it off, didn't we, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, can't enjoy it some more.

Guns N' Roses.

Oh, my God, I love that.

Was phenomenal.

Like, how cool is Slash?

Just, you know, like, watching someone, like,

like, that musically talented, like,

playing the guitar, I just found it amazing.

Mesmerizing.

Watching him.

Who was on before Guns N' Roses?

Absolutely amazing.

Lizzo, wasn't he?

Oh, yeah, we saw Lizzo.

Guns N' Roses.

Guns N' Roses are unbelievable.

Yeah, yeah, it was good.

Dave Grohl got up, Paradise City as well, that was good.

Yeah, because we saw two fighters and, like,

I'd never seen them live, so I was, that was big.

And then, obviously, Dave Grohl came out with Axl Rose

at the end there with Paradise City at Guns N' Roses set.

That was incredible.

That was incredible.

Incredible.

Where were yous while we were watching Guns N' Roses?

Lana Del Rey.

How was that?

Disappointing.

Oh, really?

Yeah, she's doing it there.

She's just getting her hair done on stage.

What's going on?

That is mad.

I'll be you soon on the pod.

I need to do my hair.

Look at the absolute state of me.

I need to apologise to this, by the way.

You know, it's just, it's another world, like,

no matter how much we describe it,

and actually don't think we're doing a very good job of it.

Do you know what?

We, I encapsulate it all, really, in camera form

by my photos.

I got some absolute filters.

The first one was this one.

I took two.

I got one video and one photo the whole day.

So, his video is just half a second of the ground,

and his photo is pitch black and blurry.

It's literally this one.

It goes on and below.

This is how long it goes on for.

Wow.

One video and one photo.

Like nothing documented at all.

She should have a good time, though.

Exactly.

That's what I think sometimes.

You know, everyone's got the phones out,

and sometimes, I don't know,

you feel like you can lose the moment.

But that's what I do with my whole life.

I'm so bad on Instagram and social media

about posting things,

and I never take pictures when I'm somewhere good.

It's just the right picture, isn't it?

Like, there was so many moments there,

but I was too busy looking at them and enjoying them,

and taking a picture of them.

Do you remember on day two, when we were like,

we need to go now?

It was like midnight.

Our whole group wanted to carry on,

and me, Pete and Alfie, we've just shattered.

So, we were like, we need to go.

It took us three hours to get to our gate.

I just don't know what it's like.

I can't even explain.

Three hours.

You can't even lie.

To get to our driver to pick us up.

That's not a bad dream.

And everyone you asked, who was on the gate of it,

were like, excuse me,

and do you know where the bronze gate is, please?

We go, yeah, just down there.

So, we went down to this thing,

and ended up in this campsite cul-de-sac

with all people, like, round of fire,

like, playing all, like, folk music.

I was like, what the hell?

So, that was a dead end.

So, we come back out, and I said to the same guy,

do you know what?

I said, sorry, do you know where the bronze gate is?

It's not down there, anyway.

You know, you're the second person to ask tonight.

And I was like, it was me.

What about that one?

Well, it's on.

So, we've got, now we're getting a bit aggy now, right?

So, we're walking round going,

I don't know where to go, like, this is so annoying.

And then, we're walking, and then,

and we're going, it's down there, it's down there.

We had to cut for a campsite.

So, it's the green piece, the campsite.

Oh, yeah.

So, I said to him, so, can we get for real?

And he goes, oh, oh, oh, oh, you can't go for real.

And I said, I'll make please.

We're just going down that bottom there.

And he's going, nah, you can't come for real.

And I said, who was the fucking killer whale you'd let me?

If it was breathing out my back.

If I was breathing out my back, you'd let me in, would you?

You know, it's, I feel like we sound like we're complaining here.

But, you know, it's the first time we've been to this festival.

We didn't know our whereabouts.

You know, we didn't know our bearings.

We knew nothing about all the great places to go, the bars.

You know, we've heard from people,

but you don't know how to get there.

And no one else does.

No one knows.

And everyone you ask, tells you a different thing.

It's like the blind leading the blind.

It's literally the blind leading the blind.

Yeah, it is.

Thank God for Jordan.

Yeah, he knew it.

A friend of ours who obviously we had with us in our group.

Jordan's been like 10 years on a row.

So he knew everything.

So he was just literally our tour guide,

walking through the festival with his hand up.

Because it's so hard to herd a group of like 12 people.

It's handy having me, though, to be fair.

It's been after like 12 year olds.

Everyone's got the flags, haven't they?

Like, you got me.

Yeah, we just have your head.

It's handy, isn't it?

All right, shall we get into the agony abs?

Hi, Abby and Peter.

I have an agony app for you, which I am in dire need of some help with.

It relates to my boyfriend's singing abilities

and, more specifically, the complete lack of.

Before you judge me, please let me emphasise that I can in no way shape or form

hold any type of note when it comes to belting out a tune.

And this is something I have been aware of pretty much my entire life.

I have no issue with the fact that when my boyfriend sings,

it resembles something out of 2007 round one of X Factor.

If anything, I quite like the fact he is much of a shitter singer than me

as it gives me a well-needed confidence boost.

What I am struggling to deal with is his absolute...

He is absolutely delusional about his ability to hit the high notes

or with any fucking note for that matter.

I genuinely believe that when he sings,

he thinks he is Warrington's answer to Harry Styles

when, in reality, he is channeling a lot more Harry Hill.

If a singer was confined to the shower or the drive to work,

I would honestly have no issue with it.

But what I do have a issue with is his absolute insistence

on any night out wherever we go.

We end up at a karaoke bar where he makes me

and often my friends enjoy a catalogue of his car crash bangers

with invariably, which invariably reaches its crescendo

when he inflicts his version of Oasis.

She is electric on the group.

When we first met, I thought it was sweet and almost endearing,

but after three years, I have had enough.

Every time I tell him he needs to pack it in,

he just laughs it off and tries to pass it off

as maybe in jealous's God-given-raw talent ability.

Yes, he read that correctly.

I'm at the point where I'm even considering

entering from Britain's Got Talent next year

in hope that the sound of thousands of people chanting

off, off, off, or maybe put them off and back in his box.

But I'm also a bit concerned about how his PTSD

would affect our relationship after.

Any advice?

Greatly appreciated.

Savash.

I think it's Arsh.

He's only enjoying himself, isn't he?

Not at any one.

But he probably thinks...

I think her issue is that he thinks he's so cool

and he thinks that he's an amazing singer when it's not.

You think it's the yick about vibe again, isn't it?

It's the yick.

It's probably like, he's going singing like,

she's electric, not as good as that obviously.

It's...

Well, it just brings back memories of you singing Candy Shop.

It feels nice.

You know, that was revolting.

Revolting?

It's literally worth like revolting.

I can.

Why?

What was revolting about it?

I've got to re-perform.

Yeah, he did it last time.

I put it on for you, didn't I?

Just to relive it.

But you like to entertain.

I like to sing.

I'm not...

But I know my limitations.

I'm not a good singer.

Comfortable with that.

You're not a bad singer.

I am.

Sometimes you pretend that you're worse than you are

and put a voice on, which I hate.

What?

You put on a worse voice on than your actual voice.

For attention.

Very well.

What?

You do.

I've seen it a few times.

That is, your opinion of me is so low.

It's unreal.

I've put on a worse voice.

Yeah, you do.

You're actually an okay singer.

You can hold a tune.

Do you think?

Yeah.

I had no clue that you thought like it.

That's a lie.

You don't mean that.

I do.

I'm the worst singer of all time.

You know?

I am the worst singer of all time.

I do.

Yeah, actually, no.

All right.

When your voice is back next week,

you'll have to have a...

Put it to the test.

Yeah, yeah.

I've had that worst one that I've put on.

Yeah.

Well, I'm the true of what that is.

You do?

God.

Sometimes you'll be like,

Yeah.

It's like not really a singing voice.

Like my mind.

That's like the noise of the weekend there.

I just turn around and people are like that.

Horse.

What is that?

Like, why did that even start that noise?

Like, who went, oh, I'm a bit tired now.

Horses.

Horses.

If I don't think they do it...

Horses do it.

They're not tired when they do that, no?

They're like making a little...

I don't...

I don't do that.

I do.

Yeah, you always do.

You do that and then just like rub...

You go like this.

You go...

And I go...

You know, some of your, like,

descriptions of what I do.

She's got a derogatory here.

Oh.

Derogatory.

She's got...

That's not fair.

She's got...

Like, I've got no control over my hands or something.

So you say, and I've never said that to you before,

like you rub your face.

I rub my face.

I rub...

I've got it out, though.

You've got a lot.

See?

What do I do?

You just did it.

You just did it.

What?

Do you know what?

That's not what I do.

That's what I'm saying.

At the end, but you always do it slow,

and it takes ages to go down.

You don't know...

You don't know...

That's not annoying habits, ever.

No, it's not annoying.

That's not how I annoy you.

It's not annoying.

It's not annoying.

It's just that...

What are my habits?

Don't start this, P.

No, you don't particularly annoy me, your habits.

You've got no particular habits that annoy me.

I do, though.

Don't I?

You do do that, but it doesn't annoy me.

It annoys me.

Like, every picture I'm in the background, like that.

If that doesn't...

No, it's a photo happening.

She just goes...

I don't know how you do it.

I don't know.

It's horrible.

I think it's something to do with the lip gloss.

I think you're putting the lip gloss.

Like, together.

I think that's true.

I think that's true.

Putting the lip gloss together.

Yeah, you're like...

Do you know what I mean?

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Rubbing your lips.

Yeah.

But that's exactly what you're doing, is that?

I think she should just leave Malone.

She sounds like she's calling her boyfriend.

Leave him alone.

Leave him alone.

It's the small things that make him...

You happy?

Yeah, but he's obviously going too far with it.

She's had enough.

She sounds like she's at the end of a tether.

Maybe she is jealous of her singing ability.

What we do with this lady, is she...

You know what's her name?

What's her name, is it?

Maybe lay off of her a little bit.

Leave him alone.

Yeah, but if it's really annoying, just say look.

Like you would.

It's just really annoying me.

She should film him and play it back to him.

Like the next day.

That's a good idea.

You know, because you probably go...

Oh!

Who's that? Is that Elton?

No two, darling.

Oh, my God.

I have such a good singing.

All right, I've got another one here.

Hi, Abby and Pete.

Thank you both for letting us listen every week.

Thanks for making my Tuesdays much funnier.

So I have a festival story.

A group of us went to the Tram Lines Festival in Sheffield.

My cousin got really drunk and forgot she had her phone in her back pocket

and she went to the toilet.

The phone dropped without realising into the portaloo.

And she flushed it, causing it to go down to the toilet.

She was in no fit state to get the phone herself.

So her mum had to get her hand in the urine and poo to get her phone out.

She was pissed off the next day because her sound didn't work on the phone.

And her mum didn't speak to her all weekend.

No way.

You're buying any phone, aren't you?

Surely.

So, you know, I've heard about the toilet at Glastonbury.

You know, we had that listening and writing about someone getting, you know,

squirted with the...

Oh, the poo gun thing.

The poo gun.

The sucker.

The poo sucker.

They had the poo sucker, but they put it on to clear it.

I must admit that I actually didn't see a bad toilet there.

It was one on the way in.

Oh, yeah.

Well, it was a row of a few.

I think they've done...

They did a pretty good job of the toilet situation at Glastonbury.

It wasn't too bad.

It wasn't.

Like, I was preparing for hell and it wasn't.

It was fine.

It wasn't too bad.

It still wouldn't want your phone to be down there.

I would judge.

Jesus Christ.

No.

Ellie's sleeve went down the lift on this trip.

God.

She had a shirt tied around her waist and went probably...

Oh, yeah.

And her whole shirt went down the lift.

And she was like, had to wash it in the sea.

That is not good.

Right, I got one here.

Glastonbury 2019 was a very hot year.

A bit like this one, will be.

My mate was sleeping in the tent next to mine.

I was awoken by Dan shouting,

Jack, Jack, the sun bloated.

My tent asleep next to me.

I didn't believe him.

So I got out, went to look and there he was.

We woke him up and said,

mate, you're in the wrong tent.

He woke up, looked around and said,

shit, yeah, I am.

And no word of a lie.

Didn't bother getting out and just went back to sleep.

He got the matters out.

That's amazing.

He's looking around and going, oh my God, yeah.

See you in the morning.

See, that would freak me out.

Like, why aren't people scared to be sleeping in a field

with a million strangers?

Yeah, bad.

It's scary, though.

It's bad enough going into our,

trying to take our Ross in a cup of tea every morning.

He was completely naked because of the fat ass hanging out.

Traumatised.

That was actually my worst experience of them.

Was it your worst part of Glacierbury?

My worst experience of Glacierbury was seeing our Ross naked every morning.

Why was he different under the covers?

Why were you?

It was roasted, the sheer of a Jordan, boiling in there.

The two of them.

Ross and Jordan.

They were naked with bombs up in the air.

Completely naked, lying on the stomachs on top of the quilt.

I was like, what on earth?

So that was the first day and I thought, oh my God.

They were like, oh my God, I'm so sorry.

We would do that again.

It was me being mom, taking his cup of tea and I was like,

the next morning Jordan was in the same position,

but eating Pringles.

Naked.

So he was face down.

So like as if like Kate Winslet in Titanic or something like that.

Like he's lying across the stage lawns with some Pringles.

Pate me like one of your French girls up.

Bitch.

You should have painted him.

It's just so wrong.

I don't want to see that.

No one needs to see that.

Especially with the hangover blisters.

Yeah.

It's not what you want to see.

Have you sent me over the edge?

No, it's so funny that you're both days there in the same position.

Like, mind you, they could have been worse.

You could have been, they could have been face up.

How would I, how would I put you?

This is going to feel like that.

Putting off your complex.

I don't know.

I don't know if it's just because I'm like,

you used to go into the kid droves and more and more and more and more.

And whatever.

But you know, everyone was like,

it was really annoying me that our whole group was like lying in.

Like staying in bed until like 12,

one day we didn't even get out the door till three o'clock.

We were up at eight.

And I hope that we were up regularly at eight a.m.

God.

But we're old.

That's what old people do, isn't it?

They go to bed earlier and wake up earlier.

It was so funny.

Like the guy who owned the house was like watering the flowers.

And then one morning, I was just in the kitchen making a cup of tea.

And he went, oh, have you just got up?

But I was like, no, I've been afraid.

He said, oh, because the others have been up for a while.

I saw them at eight this morning.

I was like, no, they just came in.

Mike, I thought far too much was there.

Oh, oh, OK.

He went, oh, right.

Like these kids, the wild.

Oh, well.

Right, dear agony app.

I went for a shower of glass to me.

When I was around, my mates had stolen my cloths and towel

and I was standing in the shower for 20 minutes.

Before I had to run naked a mile through the camp

while everyone cheered me.

Next year, I have to get my payback.

Any ideas?

Oh, I saw a few people getting showers.

Yeah.

As we were walking in through the campsites,

a few people just like getting showers

just with the towel around them.

Like topless or like wet hair and all that.

I'd be so self-conscious to do that.

Would you?

How do you feel about getting a wild shower in front of thousands?

I mean, I mean, they had briefs on, didn't I?

I mean, if you're strolling down like naked, then maybe, yeah.

But I think you'd have to, if you had like briefs on, you know.

Briefs.

Like some in-trunks or boxers.

Female briefs.

No, no, I don't walk around the thong.

When have you ever, number one, wore a thong?

Why have I worn a thong?

I don't wear a thong.

See, briefs, when I said briefs, I'm talking about boxers.

Why don't you say undies?

I've never.

Never said undies.

In 17 years, how do you say briefs?

I'm just pitching you with a pair of girls' knickers on, little highlight.

The highlight Brazilian cut.

Walkin' through glass.

You're talking about briefs.

What's going on with you?

No one's ever said briefs.

Briefs are what you'd say.

Like wafer-uns.

Boxers, wafer-uns, briefs.

Briefs, wafer-uns.

Bills, whatever you want to call them.

What do you normally call them, though?

Boxers shorts, probably.

Or briefs.

Fuckin' hell.

Where's you, a brief?

That's obviously standard ban,

to make someone's talent.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, standard.

Do you remember when we went on holiday once?

And then Jason, one of those, that was Lee,

remember when you hold onto the donut,

you're picking on the bow,

and his legs were coming off

and off more and more and more.

Then half his body was in,

and I was holding on to him,

and then his shorts just went off.

And then, obviously, I was...

His briefs came off.

His briefs came off.

I was laughing so much.

And then, obviously, they were just floating and all that.

So I said to...

And then we all went round off to the fella,

got them back in,

and said we was going to pull him in

and get them, and I was going,

no, not like that.

So we threw them back on the boat,

and then didn't let him get back on.

So he was in the seat.

He had no gear on.

He wouldn't get out the seat,

because he had no swimming trunks on.

And he was like,

give me my swimming trunks in the seat.

And we were like, no, you've got to climb out.

Coming down, coming down.

He was demoed.

Larry Venter.

Oh, the times we had.

We were crazy in there,

cracking on.

Wow.

Oh, God, yeah.

What's the payback then?

He's got to get them back.

Similar scenario.

Yeah, I mean, sabotage the feast.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

DP in the briefs.

I've been done with that.

I've been done with that stoke.

Couple of lads every morning used to put DP in my sloggies.

Really?

Sloggy.

Yeah.

Every time, I kept getting done with it every time.

Orange balls in the sink.

It's so painful.

Is it?

Yeah.

It's like a grass of DP.

I've never used DP'd.

Yeah.

It's good.

Really good.

Like if you've got muscle injury or not.

Yeah, only balls.

Abby and Peter, I saw you on Friday.

You and your gang look cool.

But I feel like you're missing out,

not getting dressed up for the Glastonbury experience.

If you dressed up, who would you go as, as why?

See, I wanted to do this.

You know, it was discussed.

I wanted us to all, you know, dress as Elton throughout the years.

That would have been good.

I'm, I just, I'm so far away from Elton.

What?

Like, I don't, I don't, I wouldn't have looked like him at all.

Oh, that's what you said.

You were so far away from Elton,

as in he wouldn't be able to see your tribute to him.

I basically looked like Elton, the one anyway.

Why?

My tribute.

I wanted him to see my tribute.

I'm so far away from Elton, so it'd be wasted.

I'd be wasted because he wouldn't see me.

See, I love fancy dress.

I really wanted to do it, but like trying to get our group to do anything.

It just never happened to me.

There's a lovely idea though, that.

That's a good idea.

All right, we'll do it next time.

Because Elton's got so many great looks for years.

It's not going to be Elton next year.

No, no.

You could, you could have dressed up a slash this year,

and that would have been an incredible disguise.

Yeah, but can you imagine how tall that hat would be?

He's tall slash though.

What does that mean, yeah, but that hat seems...

But you could have done it with a bowler hat.

So it's like the same shape, like a little magician hat.

It's got to be a shorter version.

Wonder how you, like, if you're a slash, like, how you just go right.

I'm going to go with this massive, massive top hat.

Do you know what I love about slash is the way he's just been,

like, true to his own style for 50 years.

All the way through, yeah.

But it doesn't look like he's aged because I've never really seen his face,

can you?

No.

He was a little bit, had a little bit of grey stubble.

Did he?

Because of the veil on him, don't worry.

Or has he?

Is that attached to the hat?

Ah, that's a good point.

Oh, my God.

That's a point.

Could be one of those kind of joke shop ones, couldn't it?

Just come out, he could be your mother's.

All right, well, let's wrap this class and we'll vibe up.

Yeah, shall we?

Are we doing it again next year?

That's the big question.

I think it was a once in a lifetime experience.

I loved it and, you know, every day I liked it even more.

Yeah.

I found like we were, you know, finding our way and

so much more to explore as well.

Because we didn't even make it to any of the healing fields and

what happens there?

You get healed.

Yeah.

But like how?

I think it's like Reiki and, you know, meditation and

I was really like to do that.

Sounds good.

What else did we miss?

Shangri-La.

But you know what?

Like there's probably loads to do kind of during the day that

even before the music's even happened to do and see and

you know what I wanted to do as well?

Like right kind of like late on at night,

I wanted to go up to the top of the hill and like down it or...

Yeah.

Yeah, but that would have been another

No way.

16 hours on our journey.

No way.

We need to find, we need to find McCartney's route, didn't we?

I think I might come on my horse next time.

Golf buggy.

Imagine.

Imagine if Av was on a horse around Glastonbury.

I would love that.

Are you riding side saddle?

I could just have a little cart on the back.

Don't be so late.

Let's go.

That would be amazing.

That would be unreal.

Just trotting around Glastonbury on a horse.

Imagine that.

Do you watch quite a lot of horse shit every week?

What was that?

What was that?

Maybe police horses.

Did you feel like you were doing a little bit of like walk of

shame the next day?

No, I was totally comfortable.

Like not even like, didn't even bother me at all.

Everyone was like, he had a great night yesterday, didn't you?

There's quite a lot of people going over to me and going,

ooh, how you feeling?

I hate people who do that.

I didn't care one bit.

I mean, Glastonbury, what am I going to do?

God.

Do you have any fun?

It's so annoying people who do that to be blue.

You know, already probably feeling a little bit shitty.

Yeah, no time for that.

Oh God, he had a great time last night.

Ooh, what about you last night?

Makes you feel terrible that doesn't it?

How's the head?

What time did you get off this morning then?

That's the worst.

Afternoon.

Oh.

Afternoon.

There he is, there he is.

Oh God.

Oh, did you have a good night last night?

I can't even remember.

All of that.

So horrible.

What is that all about?

Afternoon.

Wow.

All right, so.

Did you stay on site next year?

I think, I think it, I'd, yeah.

Yeah, I could be like, there's some,

I realised there's some really, really nice places to stay on.

And the half an hour journey back,

kind of killed the after party vibes, didn't it?

Do you know what I mean?

You're like asleep by the time you got home.

That's a bit.

And what I would say is, you know,

Glastonbury, thanks for having us,

because we really, really enjoyed ourselves.

It's a special special place.

Glastonbury lived up to its hype.

100%.

Don't you think?

Yeah.

So yeah.

Right, well thanks for listening.

Tickets on sale now.

Go get them.

You probably are on sale now.

Like, crowd chest.

Machine-generated transcript that may contain inaccuracies.