The Therapy Crouch: Friends with (no) benefits

Harmless, gorgeous, and hung like a friggin donkey.

He's in a posby in Grealish.

He looks like, what's the name?

Keira Knightley and Ben didn't like beckham.

The hair band on, the hair.

Bring back netto, I'd say.

Wow.

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Crouch with me, Abbie Clancy.

Me, Peter Crouch.

So, producer Ross forgot the mic stands.

And you were two hours late.

You need to stop with this.

There was a mix-up.

I've been sitting here for hours.

And there was a mix-up in communication.

Why?

Because Michaela, who does my hair, was supposed to come at 12

and then she said could she come at two.

So we were supposed to start at one, but she came at one.

So.

What boring story.

I was actually boring myself then, which is unusual,

because as you know, I'd love to be my own best friend.

But on the flip side of that, your hair looks fantastic.

Thanks.

Doesn't it?

It's not really done.

I just had to leave it to dry naturally because I was late.

Yeah, gorgeous, lovely hair.

You know the plus side of not having a mic stand?

What?

We can be closer.

Be closer together.

And touch each other.

Because normally, and then...

He stands.

No, not like that.

Perfect.

Normally, I feel like I'm on the nemesis, strapped in with the big bar,

like separating us, you know what I mean?

Which in recent weeks was okay when we hated each other,

but we're in love again.

Been in love for quite a few weeks, haven't we?

Yeah, we have, yeah.

Yeah, except we've got a barrier in bed at the minute.

Like the kids, with the kids getting in every night now.

I know.

I find like, I'm sleeping quite deep at the moment as well.

And I just wake up and there's like...

Even with that spike coming out the mattress.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Pain in the arse there, literally.

We've got a broke mattress, like one of the springs,

it's like poked through.

Oh, right.

And it's just had so much usage, you see.

If you don't last, if you don't last these mattresses.

Sometimes pokes out in the back until the night.

But Pete keeps getting like full scratches,

like on the back of his legs,

he's like, wake up, there's like blood in the bed.

He's like, what?

I remember I actually bled one night.

But we've got our new vice-spring bed coming next week.

And you what?

Vice-spring, it's basically the Rolls-Royce of mattresses.

You've told me about this, it's been coming for weeks

and I'm still sleeping on a spike.

It's like sleeping in a bramble bush.

For the minute.

When are you getting a little memory foam jobby or what?

No, I don't dig memory foam.

No.

Explains a lot.

Like, how much time you spend in your bed,

you know, it's more than like...

You're awake.

Anyway, you're always, you know, for you, obviously.

You spend half your life in bed.

You do.

This label of me, like, lying in bed, like, has got to stop.

Like, even in Glastonbury, we were still getting up at 8am.

Even if we're getting going to bed at 5am,

we were still up at 8am.

We didn't see 5am.

Still off still 8am, you mean?

Yeah, you lot were.

What was, no, the latest we went to bed was probably four.

You're getting a bit of a reputation now, Ross,

as well as forgetting the mic stands.

Holding these things.

Sorry, it was my assistants.

I think we should fuck them off.

He's on his last strike.

Family or no family.

You're not exempt from getting fired, Ross.

Thank God.

So, week's been busy.

We're just trying to get, you know, everything done,

you know, summer holidays.

You know, we're still getting a lot of work done in the house.

I'm just, like, desperate to get out of here.

Get away on holiday.

The busy as well, like, end of term and stuff.

It's like sports days and speech days.

And there's a lot going on, isn't there, kid-wise?

One, though, the boys.

Really proud of them winning near, you know,

they have all the egg races and, like...

The wheelbarrow race.

The wheelbarrow is all that.

But they won the running race, which I was, you know,

I was quite pleased with, really.

Did the better than you, then?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I finished second.

It was, you know, I was pleased there was no dad's race this time.

Yeah.

You need to...

You need to...

What's the word?

To, like...

What do you want to say?

You need...

You basically need to rematch these flies in here.

What's all that about?

Oh, my God.

It's a dead rat, so...

Come out of your hair.

Come out of your arse.

Come out of your mouth.

Yeah, I think you need to redeem yourself with the dad's race.

Twenty-few seconds and the fellow was absolutely blisteringly quick.

Your puppy, you're a professional footballer.

Yeah, well, I'm not anymore.

Thank God Sven didn't see that clip, or Floody, whoever.

And every time I'd at my pace, I'd...

You would never get signed for another club.

Oh, my God.

Imagine if your contract was up at the time of that race, and it went viral.

You wouldn't have got another football contract after that.

I don't think they look at the dad's race at school for contracts signing.

I'd like to see how you get on in the real world.

Do you know what I mean?

Oh, what do you mean, the real world?

Like, not just on the pitch, like in the real world of, you know, competing.

Competing? I very rarely get beat at things.

What would I get beat at?

Well, I beat you at snapples.

It's your level up.

Very rarely, certainly in this family.

You couldn't beat me at any sport.

I beat you at a race.

What race?

A running race.

Running race.

We've got video evidence of it.

Oh, wee.

I put it on my Instagram like a couple of summers ago.

You could beat me in a running race.

Yeah.

It's just utter dog shit.

Head start or no?

Well, a little bit of a head start.

Oh, here we go.

Three meter.

Three miles.

Three meter head start.

Three meter head start.

How far was the race?

Five.

Five million.

You're thinking miles.

My sister gets a regular beat.

He's two meters.

And I'm years.

So three meter.

It's not that big of a head start.

I know.

Oh.

My sister regularly beats her husband at table tennis.

And that just wouldn't happen to me.

How'd you know?

Because I've seen it happen.

Where?

It's destroyed regularly.

Regularly.

Well.

You couldn't beat me at any sport.

I could beat you riding.

You get thrown off horses every time you do a run.

I do.

I don't really get horses, either.

I think, yeah, I suppose it is a sport in it.

Are you trying to tell that to Frankie?

No, yeah.

That's like, that's racing.

I reckon I could get an awesome go quicker than you.

Are you, Pete?

Down to the horse, though, isn't it?

I went down to the gullip.

I went, no, it's not how you control it.

Maneuver it.

I am, it's all technique.

It's very technical.

You know, this horse that I'm riding at the moment,

if I do, if I like, don't keep still while I'm on its back

or kind of move my legs in a certain way,

the horse will do a command because it's so highly trained.

Like every part of its body is a, is a different command.

So if you like, put your leg on that part of its body,

you'll start doing, you know, this move or if you,

if you've got like too much of a tight rein on one side,

he thinks, and you're in cancer,

he thinks you're asking them to do,

you're asking them to do a pirouette.

And you just sit there, that was like,

oh my God, I'm doing a cat's a pirouette.

Cat's a pirouette.

How'd you do?

How'd you do?

Yeah, I don't know.

We went on that tangent, but there you go.

So there's been a lot of packing, a lot of packing going on.

Yeah, like, you know, I've starts to pack in so early.

We're not going for what another, another few days.

And when do you start the packing?

A month ago, the kids have been done for a while,

but mine, I'm on two suitcases now, which you might not think's a lot.

And I know for, I'm putting stuff in the bag,

like I know for a million percent, I'm not going to wear this, but.

Is that just in case that you might?

I just want options.

Like I feel like we've been so busy lately.

And running around like blue arse flies.

And I just feel like I haven't put much effort into myself

and the way I look and, you know, feel sorry for you because you're looking at me.

And I'll listen to this.

It's been tough.

And I'll listen to this.

No, but I just want to like, I just want to feel good

and dress up and make an effort instead of, you know,

throwing the gym stuff on every day.

And I want to have a nice relaxing holiday.

And, you know, we haven't been for it.

We haven't been on a date for ages, have we?

No, but you know what?

We can just relax on a holiday now.

We were supposed to go to Italy together for four days.

We couldn't go because of work and childcare.

And then we were supposed to go away for the night on our own

and couldn't go because of work.

So, you know, really looking forward to going on holiday

and spending some nice quality time together.

Yeah.

Phones off.

Agreed.

I'm very much up for that.

Definitely going to the plate shop this year.

Oh, this plate shop.

I think we talked about it on the very first episode of our podcast.

The one I even had a wet dream about, a plate wet dream.

Don't worry, I woke up and she was absolutely fuming.

And I said, oh my God, I'm so sorry.

Like, what were you dreaming about?

And she said, plates, you should have seen these fucking plates.

Fucking woke me up.

But I still haven't been to this plate shop

and it's been three years, three summers,

and I haven't been to the plate shop yet.

So.

How were you dreaming about it if you'd never been?

Because my friend Holly's described them to me.

Oh, I see, I see, I see.

And she's got some of these plates.

So I can only imagine what's in there.

So, you know, I texted today and said, we'll go in the plate shop.

I promise you, on this trip, there will be plenty of plating.

I actually don't know what that is.

But considering all the men in the room are laughing,

it must be some sexual.

Sexually, sexual and perverted.

I couldn't resist that one.

Apologies.

What is plating?

I've no idea.

Of course, loads of lists of the messages here.

One here about the Neto bag.

Sorry, I was worried that no one would know what that was.

Well, I reckon this is a scout, if I'm honest.

Okay.

Neto bag.

Oh my God, The Father's Day podcast.

I'm 37 now, and I remember the Neto bag.

37 club.

Bright yellow with the dog.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

God.

Little black Scotty dogs.

Scotty dog, yeah, yeah.

I kept deliberately forgetting my PE kit, just like you, right?

When I was in secondary school, I remember one day I was in year 11.

I forgot my PE kit again.

So they called my mum and dad to drop it off to me.

So I'm still at the back of the field, and from a distance,

I can see the school receptionist walking through the field

with a bright yellow Neto bag.

I was fuming, and I got home safe to say,

I never forgot my PE kit again.

It's like a core memory I cannot forget.

Leagues are hilarious.

I don't know what was so traumatising about a Neto bag as a child.

What do you think it was, Ross?

It was just Neto who had its reputation,

and Neto and Quicksave weren't great,

and it's the gay-ish colour scheme as well.

Bright yellow.

You can spot it on my line.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Neto.

God, was it that bad, was it?

Mm-hmm.

So that would have just, like, killed you.

Obviously Lisa here, the receptionist walking across the line, like...

Like with the high-visit hands.

The cruise bag.

Lisa!

Lisa, I've got your bag!

She put it, you know, like that, though.

Like that?

Who's Lisa?

No, I consider Neto makes Aldi look like Waitrose as well.

He would tag.

Yeah.

Bring back Neto, I'd say.

Wow.

Do you want an Italian accent?

Italian accent.

Do you want me to do this in an Italian accent?

Well, if you'd like to.

Is that, like, Comet Italian accent?

No, it's just that they're talking about...

You do it.

Do it and then we'll talk after.

I have, Annika.

When your advert comes on for beer amareti.

I have to skip a forward until it's over, eh?

Love you both and the burgers, but that's not...

But my God, that Italian accent you put on for the ad is major cringe.

Please never do that again, haha.

Well, these...

This person can fuck off because that was a joke.

Wow.

That was a joke.

That was a joke when we said beer amareti.

You basically just give it a big time.

Do you know what?

I get that with the accents and the ick thing because you do it all the time

and I just laugh every time you do it.

When you're having it, you know, if you're abroad and in a restaurant,

people would be like, speaking broken English with an Italian accent.

Like, you'll go, I want the pizza, no?

The pizza, no, with the fries.

Fries?

And I'm like, you know, football?

You like football?

Oh, great.

That is how you talk to, like, waiters and people on holiday.

You have to slow it down a little bit, don't you?

Like, you couldn't just talk...

Pizza, yeah?

Good?

Is good?

Do, do, dos.

Do, do, do, dos.

Play a goal.

No, you don't even say break.

You just go, thank you.

Thank you.

It does knock me sick when you do that,

especially when you do to English waiters in Italy.

Cheers, Pete.

Well, when in Rome?

When in Rome.

I do do that.

A lot of people do that.

Oh, I want to go to Rome.

The worst thing is in, like, football change rooms

because obviously you've got every single kind of, like,

culture, every kind of, like, language

and you just find yourself just talking like that.

So the accent that you do towards foreign people, though,

is always the same accent, whether in France, Italy,

Dubai, wherever.

You would never do, like, a kind of German accent.

I don't know what it is.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, even if you were speaking in Germany,

you would still do the Italian, English.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Well, it's probably easier for them to understand just English.

I don't know why I do it, but we'll try and stop that.

I mean, you know, I think that was a joke.

That actually is a bit of a nick, you know.

But do you know what?

I've got this thing now where I'm trying to, like...

You said you had to learn and now you've got loads of them.

I know.

I'm trying to, like, turn my ics into, like, humour,

instead of, like, being completely...

Your ics or Peter's ics?

Peter's ics.

Oh, yeah.

Like, instead of being, like, completely knocked sick by them.

Yeah.

Instead of wanting to stab in the eye of a fork.

No, you don't want to get stabbed.

You don't want to... I don't want to stab you for an ick.

Do you not?

No.

Like, an ics, like, just cringey, isn't it?

But instead of me going, ooh, I'll just let laugh instead.

It's a bit of a shudder.

Well, I'll try and address that when I'm ordering in, you know, Italy.

I'll just say, can I have a pizza, please, mate?

Is that better, or is it better for me to go...

A pizza, yeah?

A pizza.

It's good?

Yeah, is that what I do?

With olives?

Ham?

Jambo?

Jambo.

Côte de beaux?

Oh, my God.

Literally.

All right, well, that's something I need to address.

No, what we should do...

You know, I'll add that to the list.

No, what we should do is just, you know, get back on the language, wagon.

Yeah, but we can't learn together.

What we should do is you learn and I'll learn, and then we'll see where we are.

No, because I'll be so much more further ahead than you can do.

But you genuinely think that, and I don't...

I do, yeah.

I genuinely don't think that's to be the case.

Peter K?

I think you're all...

I think you're all tall.

Peter K, did you just say?

I don't think that'll be the case.

I thought you said I didn't think that would be Peter K.

I love Peter K.

Where is he?

He's just on a tour, isn't he?

He's still on it.

Oh, my God, I want to go to that.

Do it, though.

Peter, if you're listening, hon, give us a few tickets.

You've got fly literally on your head.

I feel like I'm in the toilets or something.

What's going on?

This is for these flies.

When has it ever been a fly in our toilet?

No, but just, you know, like the public toilets I'm talking about.

What public toilets do you go to?

Wow, this is lovely.

George.

No, no, I have to do...

It's a hamster for work, don't I?

It's popping there.

Right, story number three is Solomon's.

Hi, Abby and Pete.

I was listening to the pod on the tube,

and you're talking about the Solomon walking trainers.

I'd never heard of them and started to picture just an ugly trainer.

Then to my astonishment, a young girl,

mid to late 20s, jumps on the tube wearing Solomon's and a mini dress.

My eyes have never been so horrified.

They're the fuggliest shoe.

Is that a typo?

No, fucking ugliest.

Ah, right.

OK, makes sense.

The fuggliest shoe I've ever seen.

Is that a typo?

No, I was down with the kids there by saying the word typo,

and I was so far removed from that,

that I've never even heard of the fuggliest.

I've never heard you say the word typo in my entire life.

I don't know why.

I don't know why I said that.

That's embarrassing.

Is that a typo?

That's a typo.

Oh, my God, what did you do this week?

Is that a typo?

What was that?

What did you do this week that I was just left the end of it?

I'm just, what have I done now?

I can't remember.

I thought you'd remember.

What were you laughing your head off?

It was a word, what you said.

And I've never said it before.

I don't know what.

I think I'm having a midlife crisis or something.

So do I, you know, Pete's recent purchases.

What?

I'll say a bit for later.

What have I bought?

She can't even breathe that.

The whole Gucci collection.

From Mr. Porter, like, so loud.

Like full Gucci that you'd wear, John.

Like Gucci, Gucci.

Like, just bought himself.

Bought himself all without permission.

Without permission?

Fully crowned man, babe.

I can make my purchases.

Do you know what I'm going to wear in this summer, right?

And you just see the attention I get.

The beds.

See the beds.

Blocked realms.

Coz that Peter Crouch.

Or is that?

Is that Gucci model or is that Peter Crouch?

Is that David Candy?

Yeah.

Is that Candy?

Oh my God, is that, is that, is that, is that like,

Oh, it's Peter Crouch, Gucci.

Head to town, Gucci.

Socks, socks and everything.

I'm going to blow your mind this summer.

I hope so.

And then back to the Solomons.

They're the fuggliest shoe.

That's not a typo, guys.

I've ever seen.

No one in their right mind should be wearing them.

I would disown anyone who has purchased them,

let alone wears them in public.

That's Chloe, 28 from London.

I agree with her.

You're, you're being-

I'm partial.

The growing on me.

The Solomons.

Oh God.

Being converted.

I think I have.

What's your thoughts on them?

They haven't changed.

I don't even have a balance.

Absolutely.

Do you think, what's that?

The one that, so Pete went,

took the dog for a walk this morning and was like,

God, you said all that fuss over these bloody Solomons.

Nothing is better than these trainers.

What were they?

Are they called on?

Put these on.

Put these on.

Shoes, hun.

They'll turn you on.

They're, they're, they're, they're spot dog walking trainers.

So you would say on over, on over Solomon?

All day.

Solomons getting so much fucking airtime on our podcast.

We are caning them though.

No, I'm not.

I like them.

I saw on Net-A-Port, I think it was a Solomon slip-on,

a backless Solomon.

And I thought, you know, they could be so cool,

like just a little pair of denim shorts, a little vest.

No.

Backless little Solomon, not for me.

I just think those trainers, like instead of like,

you've got to wear wellies sometimes when it's wet,

but obviously because it's been hot,

don't want to wear a big wellie.

So I wear these trainers and they're waterproof, comfortable,

middle-aged trainers.

Although I wore a, a healed wellie, a Glaston.

But the thing is, I do think it's a thing,

like as you get older, the shoes I used to wear

and be completely crippled in.

And you couldn't even walk on a night out, never mind dance.

I just, I've literally put them on the bin now.

It's comfort over anything for me now.

Do you agree?

Yeah, well, it's style and comfort,

if you can combine them both if you're on a winning formula.

Solomons?

Ones.

Let's put that to the audience.

Solomons or ones?

If we're on the subject of trainers that are controversial

in that department, my sustainables,

I get a lot of grief still in my legs.

But they could firebirds or something?

All birds.

They're supposed to be sustainable trainers,

but I used to wear them to the golf club,

and I got absolutely ruined.

Me dad, me dad sent me a picture of him and Sue

in them the other day.

They're the most, they're so comfortable.

Because me dad saw them on you and was like,

oh, Pete, where'd you get them trainers from?

Bear in mind, me dad bought Pete the Ones.

So me dad doesn't got a fucking clue about trainers or stuff.

They're great though.

And Pete had the sustainables on and he was like,

oh, Pete, I love them trainers, where'd you get them?

So Pete, you got me dad and Sue a pair, didn't you?

Yeah, yeah.

And now everywhere they go on like a walk and can't,

they love to walk and they always like,

you know, they were in Portugal last week

and went on a big walk and just sent me

both a picture of their feet and their shoes.

They're like air, honestly, they're like air,

but obviously they're probably the most

fashionable person that I've ever met.

Who?

Serge, right, from Custavian.

He was here for the barbecue and he was disgusted.

That put me off a bit.

Yeah, but Serge, everything Serge wears is unreal.

That's what I mean.

So like that, obviously I thought the sustainable,

I thought I was doing my bit for the planet.

I thought I was doing a bit for my feet

and I thought I looked good doing it.

And none of the three were correct.

Well, they're good for the planet, aren't they?

Well, apparently so, yeah.

Yeah, I don't know exactly what they do.

Isn't it your friend who owns the company?

Potentially, yeah.

It is, he gifted us them.

They are top notch.

Well, like I said, I like them.

And I genuinely did like them, but he gave me a bit of a stick.

Yeah, but do you know what I find cool?

People with their own style and a true to their own style,

look at Bloody Slash, do you know what I mean?

You know, it doesn't matter if you like something, you wear it.

Don't be a sheep, be a shepherd.

Exactly right.

Well, I did, I went out and got me Gucci gear, didn't I?

Absolutely getting destroyed for it.

Ballin', ballin'.

You wait, you wait.

Absolutely ballin'.

Here's me on the Zara sale.

He's like that, I'm fucking Gucci.

Oh, this thing is, I think I saw Grealish in it,

and I thought that's a bit of me, that.

Oh my God, are you joking?

What the hell?

Fucking Grealish, he looks like him.

He's in a pod, me and Grealish.

He looks like, what's his name?

Keira Knightley and Ben, did like Beckham.

The hair band on, the hair.

Double-opper, although she hasn't got calves like his.

He's an incredibly stylish young man.

Oh, that's funny though.

I've never seen him in a normal outfit.

Well, he's incredibly stylish, actually, like me.

I love Grealish, but I've never seen a normal outfit.

I've never seen him in anything other than a p-kit, football kit.

Well, you know what?

I'm going to put on the therapy crouch channels, right?

My summer wardrobe, right?

I'm going to put it out there, and we'll just let them decide.

People are still dying to see you suede boots.

We disappointed a lot of our listeners that you didn't get them out,

but you couldn't have worn them, because I love them boots.

What I'll do, right?

I'll hop straight up to this, right?

I'm going to put on my summer outfits,

and I'll put the boots, and we'll put one on the socials, right?

And just say yes or no.

I'm pretty sure the chicks...

I do me.

It's going to blow the chicks' mind.

Oh, shush.

Well, I reckon we should just fire into the weekly wine.

You got anything?

No.

Should we just think a while?

You wrote it down last night on your phone.

I think maybe your lack of sporting knowledge is probably my wine.

And I know you've always been like this,

but it's just getting beyond belief.

Like, for instance, the kids' football team the other day, right?

It's the local area first, like the name.

We'll call it, say, Salford, right?

Salford Royals, right?

So she said, if you sign them up for that team, Pete,

and I said, what team?

And she went, Casino Royals.

I said, pardon?

Should we Casino Royals?

If you sign them up.

You might think I've got...

The hell?

You might think I've got zero knowledge of sport,

and I haven't, but I'm the only one in this family who...

This is my wine.

I've actually got my wine now.

I thought you might.

You've teed me off.

Even that teed me off, like, what do you know what I mean?

Teed me off.

What do you mean?

Is that a goal?

Is that a goal for reference?

You teed me off.

No, it's not.

There's actually a very clever subconscious pun there, I did.

Well, okay.

What?

Teed me off.

Yeah, you teed me off my wine.

Okay, all right, fine.

Is that...

Teed me off nicely to say my wine?

You might say, teed me up.

Oh, teed.

Is it, like, pissed me off or...?

Oh, so would you say teed me off?

You teed me up, yeah.

Oh, I'd say teed me off.

Yeah, because that's not exactly what my wine was.

You have no clue about that.

Teed me off.

It's teed me up.

Teed me up.

You teed me up nicely to bat out the part.

Okay, you teed me up nicely for my wine.

Okay, I've said teed me off.

Go, we teed me off.

Okay, you teed...

How many times do you want to say this?

So, considering you were a professional athlete,

you are so bad at anything regarding sports with our children.

And I don't know if that's because of the upbringing

you had with your own father,

but me, getting Sophia in the swim club,

just got her in the local netball team.

What else?

The casino royals.

Yeah, I gave Pete a list of cricket clubs, tennis clubs,

football clubs, all for the boys.

Has he done one thing of them?

No.

Yes, I have.

I emailed casino royals and they haven't actually got back to me yet.

I've booked a tennis coach for Sophia and the tennis for the boys.

You could see, even at the sports day today,

like the same age as Johnny and Jack,

you could see the kids whose dad have been putting effort in their home

with regards to sport.

You know, just like the technique.

The boys are four and five.

They practice...

It's about enjoyment.

Do you know when they practice their sports day race this morning

on the driveway before we went to sports day?

That's the practice he put in.

No, I did.

It's just awful.

It breaks my heart.

I told, I was talking about, I did loads of...

You've got golf clubs in the box.

Yeah.

Jack's golf clubs.

You haven't even opened them?

The other day.

I asked him if he wanted to go and he said no.

Well, he shouldn't give them a choice.

You're a pushy mum, you know what I mean?

You've got to let them enjoy it.

Sorry.

I will not allow that.

You've got to let the kids enjoy it.

They've got to let them find their own way.

I will not tolerate being called a pushy mum because that's not it.

No, listen.

Can you take that back, please?

I'll take that back.

Because that'll really offend me.

It's good to be pushy and I will push them when they're ready,

but they're not at the moment.

Okay, how are we going to resolve this?

Well, no, no, I'll just...

Would you like me to buy a copy of like 442?

And they just got to be into it, you know?

No, for me, for my football knowledge.

Oh, for your football knowledge?

For my sport knowledge.

No, no, because I like it and it entertains me, so keep it going.

You know, I actually went, when we went to Ascot last year

and Frankie Dottori was there and he's our friend and I was like,

Frankie, what are you doing here?

He was like, are you messing?

We're at Royal Ascot.

Yeah.

Frankie, can't believe it, what a chance is it?

What are you up to?

Because I've never seen him like on a horse.

I've only seen him like on the ground, like in a social circumstance.

So it was just, it threw me off a little bit.

But yeah, I could get better.

I could buy 442, like read up.

442.

But I'm quite good at football.

Absolutely love it.

You bizarrely have a knowledge that you don't show day-to-day life,

that when you need to, you do have a bit of knowledge,

because it's in there somewhere, because you must have heard it all your life.

One out name's like Tony Cotty and...

Brilliant.

Yeah.

Go on, give us some more.

Go on.

Carnot.

Carnot, right, massive.

I love Carnot.

Great shells.

Can't think of any of this.

Andy Baillot.

Andy Baillot.

Andy Baillot.

Not manual, Andy Baillot, it's Andy Baillot.

Ronaldo.

Okay, so, you know, I can brush up my skills.

Yeah, yeah, no worries.

And you know, and I will, you know,

I will push the kids when the time is right.

It's not about pushing them, it's just, it's kind of, you know,

going back to the whole kids and the school thing,

which I bore everyone with.

But you know, having like an inspiring teacher for a child,

someone who makes the subject fun, you know,

they could be doing something,

that's the most boring thing on the planet.

But if you've got like an incredible teacher,

like the kids are just totally engaged and on board.

So I think that, you know, applies to sports as well.

Like if you want to, you know, if you just stop like playing some fun,

you know, just even simple things like throwing and catching a ball,

you know, developing the coordination.

Like these years are crucial for that.

You know, all your neurological pathways develop from like birth to that,

like every day, if you do stuff.

It's so important, but I just can't do everything.

No, we definitely can't do this throwing and ball and catching.

Leave that to me, sweetheart.

Yeah, well, I don't care.

I don't like balls.

Fucking say that again.

Right, audience ones, let's get into them.

Oh, let's cheers.

So can you promise me, can you promise me this summer that you're gonna...

Yeah, babe, I'm on it.

Honestly, promise me that promise.

So you got some big news this week.

So my best friend from forever, Holly, has asked me to be her maid of honour.

I don't know if I kind of slightly prompted her after our podcast,

like a few weeks back, but I can't believe it.

I literally cried and cried.

You know, Holly's one of those friends, like she's been in my life since I was like,

you know, a child, a baby.

And, you know, even though I don't see her, like every day,

because she still lives in Liverpool, you know,

you know, she's like the ride or die, do you know what I mean?

Ride or die?

Bad boys for life.

Bad girls for life.

Because girls, there's players too.

I love that song.

But you know what they say?

It's obviously like, always the bride's made, never the bride.

You've been the bride and never the bride's made.

Yeah.

The exact opposite.

And you've always wanted to be a bride's made.

So here's your chance, maid of honour.

Because only one of my friends is married.

All the others aren't.

It's only Kaz who's married.

No ball and chain on this.

On that bitch.

There are a couple of lunatics married into that group.

No, but I think it's, you know, friends are so important, aren't they?

You know, Holly is my best friend.

I don't see her every day, but she's, you know, there for me through thick and thin,

you know, I trust her with my life, you know, you know, that person.

Yeah, of course.

Well, listen, we talk about friendship groups today,

you know, what they represent.

Also, when you're a couple as well, you end up with couple groups.

And that can be difficult to navigate, I think.

Because sometimes, you know, you might have a boring wife,

but I really get on with the fella.

Well, that's...

I happen to lot.

That's common.

I'd say 90% of the time the fella's brilliant.

Yeah.

Although my girlfriend's I've got great fellas.

Yeah, but your girlfriends are fun, like...

Because they're my friends.

Yeah, and you're fun.

That's what I'm saying.

So, like, I think our, our package is quite good.

I'd like to be our mates.

You know, and Ross, was it Ross and Rachel in Friends?

Is it them two?

We were like, why don't they want to be our mates?

And that was Chandler and...

Yeah, Chandler and Monica.

Chandler and Monica, do you remember that?

Yeah, but Monica's...

And they were like, why?

We had so much fun, like, why?

Monica is a pain in the ass.

And fucking Chandler is about as funny as...

Oh, I think he's quite funny.

He's funny.

That's unmindful, that's unmindful.

But he's not a real person, to be fair.

I'd love to be our friends.

We are, we're great.

I reckon we could, we could hold our own most company, I'd say.

I'd like to think so.

Yeah, 100%.

The only time I feel, I'll say, you know, that's actually not true.

I just want to say the only time I feel like a bit more out my depth is if,

if, you know, like someone who's super, super duper duper posh, but then loads of my friends are

super duper duper duper posh and the, you know, posh accent.

Yeah, but...

We're a friend, a couple of ours.

They're, you know, the great, great fun that man and the woman, but she's so posh.

People keep mistaking hair for me.

So when we were in Glastonbury, some girl went over to her and was like,

Abby, Abby, I made your wedding dress and she was like, which one were you?

Dulce or Gabbana?

Because you look like neither.

And I was like, just absolutely killed the poor girl.

She was like, but I was like, it's not me.

She still didn't make me wedding dress anyway, what she was banging on about, but, you know...

Long weekend.

Yeah, it's, it's so vital having a good, like, I think we've got our group down, don't you?

Yeah.

Got a couple of singletons in our group as well.

Like, how do you feel about singletons in a group?

Well, I suppose they want different things for a night out, don't they?

Really? Like, will we be comfortable sitting down and they're like...

On the prowl.

Because if you're happy and you're settled, like, you don't...

Well, let's go...

If you're happy and you're settled, cut your hands.

If you're happy and you're settled, cut your hands.

Oh, God.

Yeah, but there's loads of couples that we go out with who aren't happy and settled.

Well, no, they're settled, but they're not happy.

Yeah.

But that's the thing, isn't it? I mean, when do you cut ties in that situation?

Like, obviously, we're...

With your partner or your...

Yeah, with your partner. Like, obviously, you're married, you've got kids.

Like, do you settle forever, you know, with a person that you potentially...

No, but there's a lot of people who split up later on in life and I didn't quite get that.

I'd be like, why would you get divorced at 60?

You've done 30 years together.

For the kids.

Yeah, but also, you know, exactly right, you got that.

You're with together with the kids and then you obviously...

The kids grow up, move out and then you're together full-time.

A lot of time, that's a no-go.

You've only got 12 years, just 23 years to go.

No, no, no, I've worked it out, we've got 15.

They'll be out, Jack'll be out, what?

20 odd.

20?

You can do all this then.

Well, he's going to be 20 and 16 years.

I sort of said 16 years, 15, 16 years.

And then what about when they split up?

Like, because what if we've got like a really good friends with both?

Is it disloyal to speak to one of them and...

Yeah, I think you have to stay on the side of the OG.

Is it the OG?

Does that stand for original?

Original gangster.

Oh, not the original gangster.

Well, he's having a midlife crisis, though.

No.

I think you have to go on the side of the first friend.

But what if they're the one who's wronged the other person?

Do you know what I mean?

Still, back that bitch up.

Back that bitch up.

Yeah, yeah, but what if it's the fella?

Pock him off.

Exactly.

Yeah, like if you had a friend who cheated on his wife and we liked both of them,

I'd be like, stay away from him.

And then could I not be made through them anymore?

No, because he's a dirty cheat and filth bag.

Oh, but that's nothing to do with me, is it?

Birds of a feather?

All you.

No, but you know what I mean?

If something bad happens between them and he's like...

Okay, so Kaz and Tommy split up, would we be able to both be their friends?

Both friends.

100%.

I'll be friends with both of them.

And you would.

I wouldn't.

If Kaz didn't like Tommy, I wouldn't like Tommy either.

Well, you're just going to back her up to the death.

I'd have to, but I love Tommy so much.

Like he's literally one of my best friends.

You couldn't do that to him.

It depends on, you know, how tight the friends are.

All depends on the circumstances, I think.

What about if there's like, you know, you've got a couple in your group

that you don't really like either of them and they split up?

Would you use the whole, I can't speak to you because...

Well, this is a great opportunity to part them both.

Yeah.

Yeah, totally.

You just go, you know, you just put the thumb screws on me, sorry mate.

You can't hang around together.

I'm sorry, mate.

Boring as sin.

You know, Pete's got this friend and he was so boring,

he nicknamed him Paint Dry.

It's pretty self-explanatory nickname.

Over the years, it evolved this name and he's now called P. Diddy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, he was Paint Dry.

Then he was P.D. and then he was P. Diddy.

And then he was just Diddy, right?

And now people think it's quite a cool nickname.

You know what I mean?

He's just Diddy and he's like, why is that?

Like, it's in Puff Daddy and that gang stuff.

No, it's because he's so boring.

He's rigidly called Paint Dry.

And, you know, that's so ironic because, you know, P. Diddy is the opposite of boring.

Well, exactly.

That's what I'm saying.

He's probably made up with that, isn't he?

That's what I'm saying.

It's not bad.

I'm just calling P. Diddy.

The Diddy man.

One more, one more problems.

Can you believe Ross didn't know who Mace was?

Yeah, it's different times.

Who's Mace?

Mace.

We're having this conversation.

P. Diddy and Mace.

That was a good era, that.

No.

Good era.

How can you not know who Mace was?

Good era.

Biggie.

Biggie, Diddy, Mace.

You know, little Kim.

Little Kim.

She didn't, she got to prison.

Don't know.

Sure she did.

I thought she died.

Something tragic happened.

God.

I hope you're all right, Kim.

Why do you think our friendship groups work?

Like the dynamics.

You know, I think everyone in our group is a huge character.

Aren't they?

There's no one who is...

We've been out before, right?

And I can look at you and I'm having a great time with the fella.

And I can look at you and I can see you're like,

don't leave me here.

That's a problem.

And I think that's quite a big problem for a lot of couples.

It's like, I know you're your mate, but Christ,

don't leave me with her again.

What's worse is, you know, there's some people who are boring,

boring and quiet, but boring and talkative.

Is that worse?

Is hell.

A talkative, boring person is the worst.

How do you navigate a boring person, right?

Because I know, like, you know, on a night out,

especially because we don't go out as much as we'd like,

because you've got your kids, your nights out are fucking important.

We're not wasting it with some...

You can't waste it with someone.

You can't waste it.

You can't waste that night with someone who's going to bore you.

No.

And it's a cutthroat business these nights out, aren't they?

No.

These friends, these friends.

But we haven't got any more of me.

No, no, no, I know, we haven't.

No, but like, there are times where you go out

and you might not be, you know,

might be at something different on our friends.

And you...

What about, you know, when you sit and everyone goes boy-girl?

Oh, no, I hate that.

When you have to go boy-girl, right?

And then you end up just talking over each other and, you know...

No, I think people only do that boy-girl thing

when they don't kind of really know each other.

Weddings and stuff like that.

Yeah, no, let's talk over for a meal and sit boy-girl, like...

You know, straight away, I think.

You know, when you sit next to someone at wedding

and you think, I've got Uncle Nobbed.

How'd Uncle Nobbed?

I've got Uncle Nobbed here.

How do you...

What do you think is a giveaway clue for a boring person?

The thing is, I've got lots of friends who aren't the most, like, loud,

which is great.

You know, sometimes they can still be really funny and quiet.

You know, you don't have to be like...

Yeah, they're like such a sniper.

They just have, like, those one-shots.

That's like me, isn't it?

Yeah.

But like you say, no, you're just incredibly loud.

Am I? No.

Brash.

No.

Can I just say, one of our really good couple friends, Jenny and Phil,

we were playing this game, like,

describe each other in three.

You're right there, Jon.

I know, yeah.

Sorry, just for context, one of our producers has put his hands

down his trousers, he's playing with his balls.

The old scratching sniff there.

Yolk them low.

Excuse me.

So, a couple of our friends, Jenny and Phil,

we were playing this game and it was like,

describe you in three words and Phil feels like the

lovelyest, how funny is Phil?

He's very funny.

And Jenny, he loves them, do you?

And he described me as funny, loyal and brash.

And it just blew my mind because I googled brash.

Yeah.

And I'll do it for you right now.

It just sums up, really, in a few words.

But the thing is, I'm only brash with people I know,

like a lot of people don't know this about me,

but I am very shy.

Oh, yeah.

Like, in real life.

You're the top of the wall, flower.

No, in real life, like, with people I don't know.

So, like, that kind of boy-girl situation

where you sit round the table

and you have to sit next to someone you don't know,

I get the biggest anxiety because I just don't know

what to say to people.

Like, especially if they're kind of hard work trying to,

you know, if they're giving it and I can reply, that's fine.

But if I have to kind of be the instigator of the conversation,

I just completely melt.

You find small talk hard?

Very hard.

Maybe it's because you're brash, and I've googled it now.

It's self-assertive in a rude, noisy or overbearing way.

The key part of that, I think, is overbearing.

Yeah, but if you can't be brash with your own group of mates,

there's no point in being alive.

Oh, I've really tickled me that one.

But I was unfiltered to say that to you.

Do you know what? It's never really...

I've never really let that one go.

He meant brashing a good way, though.

Yeah.

Brash is great. It's bold.

I don't want to be fucking grey.

Don't want to be grey.

No, vanilla. Imagine he's lovely.

So, so vanilla.

If you know what, people say that a lot about me.

You know, the best ones.

About you?

No, I just did people in general, you go like,

what's he like? Ah, he's harmless.

Harmless.

Yeah.

That's the fucking matter.

Harmless is the worst.

He's harmless.

Harmless.

I think what I would take from harmless is boring.

You know, pretty genuine and nice.

Zero wit.

But you don't want to be stuck in a lift with them.

Would you want to be stuck in a lift with someone so brash and overbearing?

No.

It's probably why you use compliments each other quite well.

Balance each other, that was...

That's a fair comment.

You're harmless, number Ash.

Well, yeah, probably.

I wouldn't call me harmless though.

I don't think anyone would say he's harmless.

I think...

I...

Yeah.

What? Like, people think I'm boring.

No, but...

Harmless.

No, literally harmless.

You're not harmful, are you?

Well, I'm not harmful, no.

No, people would just...

People, I think, have described you as harmless.

Yeah.

Gormless.

It's harmless, gormless.

It's getting somewhere now.

Gormless, gormless.

I have been described as, yeah.

Gormless, I'd say.

Gorgeous.

You can't handle it.

Gorgeous.

I'd say gorgeous.

Harmless, gorgeous.

And hung like a friggin' donkey.

No, I'm joking.

Got juked.

I'm joking.

He's harmless and gormless.

No, um...

If you're going all night out, right?

Perfect group for me.

Who are you taking?

It's not people that we know, just characters.

I'm not going to name them.

No, no.

Not necessarily real people.

I'm talking about, like...

No, I am going to talk about real people,

because that's genuine, then.

Well, that's not the way I think we should do it.

He just put very assay at the pinnys of death.

Did I?

Quite blash in some ways.

No, I think...

No, because I literally genuinely believe

that our friendship group is the best.

Why everyone would say that, though, wouldn't they?

No, I know.

So, I'm talking about our one.

What do you think are vital for a good group?

Well, I think you have, like, the, you know,

probably a bit mad one, don't you?

Like, who's a bit crazy, a bit out there

that makes everyone laugh.

You have someone maybe a little bit quieter,

but maybe a bit witty.

You have a, you know, we describe as background boy.

Someone who's really nice and often is in the background

with a lot of the pictures,

but you need one of those just to steady the ship.

You know, things get crazy.

Steady the shit.

You need someone just to go,

I think we should drain it in a bit, though.

I think all of our friends have all of those qualities

at various points of the night.

Do you know what I mean?

Do you need a boring one?

No.

You don't need it, but you tolerate it

if they're good and kind and they're from the start.

Sometimes you have to tolerate a boring one.

Do you? That's the thing.

If they're, like, you know,

someone's boyfriend or girlfriend,

they're not, like, the original in the group.

DOG.

DOG, yeah.

Does that unsettle a group sometimes?

If you've got a really strong close knit

and someone gets a boring girlfriend or boyfriend

and they bring him in...

Sabotage!

Boring's better.

Boring and nice is better than brash and cocky and...

Yeah, honestly.

You know what I mean?

You'd rather, you'd rather them be nice.

I think...

Just don't get in the way of it.

For me, it's vital to always have someone

who thinks exactly the same as me

and is always on my wavelength.

Always on my side.

You were about to say that.

No, I wasn't.

You were...

All my friends are just always on my side.

No, shut up.

That's what you were about to say.

I was about to say wavelength.

Wavelength.

I was going to say on my same vibe,

but I thought wavelength sounded better.

Yeah, I...

So, like, Alfie, for example,

we, like, kind of think the same way.

And we could be, like, mad together,

then a bit quieter together,

and then look after each other,

and then say, come on, let's go home.

But girls are very different to boys

in regards to friendships, aren't they?

You speak on a regular basis.

You know, you speak to your friends

a lot more than I would,

but nothing would really, really change.

And it's the age-old thing of saying

that when a fella goes to meet his mates or whatever,

he quite often comes back with no actual information

about his life at all,

but has had the best time ever.

Whereas you all come back with a hell of a lot of info.

You believe Shelly this time?

You believe she's seeing him?

And I suppose that one where you come back

and you go, like, how's his wife?

And you go, I have no idea.

Yeah, but you wouldn't ask your mate how his wife is?

There's just no way on earth you would.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

You wouldn't...

But why would...

You should, yeah, I don't know.

So, is that admitting that you don't...?

I think sometimes you do.

Is that admitting that you're just, like,

gnawing to his wife?

You couldn't kill her?

Oh, no, no, no. Not at all.

That's not inspiring.

But I feel like if something big was to happen

with regards to his wife,

he would tell you that information.

Do you know what I mean?

No, but just asking about someone's general well-being

is surely something that you do.

I don't think it's...

It's not top of the agenda.

Like, when you walk in there.

But it should...

You know, maybe it should be.

Something's there and maybe it should be.

Well, I'll come home and not know

pretty much anything about their life.

But if you saw Kaz, you'd be going,

how's Tommy?

Or if you saw Stacey, you'd go,

how's Jason?

That'd be the first thing you'd say.

Yeah.

You wouldn't just ignore him.

But if you saw any of your friends,

you wouldn't be like, how's such and such?

How's such and such?

I do think that's probably a kind of boys' thing.

I'm not saying it's a good thing, but just...

Whereas, you know, I've watched you

and I'm flabbergasted by it.

Says you.

We were watching suits last night and I was like,

oh, I like her top.

And it was like, oh, no, I don't like it from the back.

It's got like this big ribbon at the back.

And I was like, oh, he was like,

yeah, I was thinking that.

But now I don't like the back of it.

You are so female when you want to be.

Because you're so brash in an overbearing manner.

Like, obviously, I am turning into you sometimes.

So I'm sitting there watching it, right?

And she goes, oh, what do you think of him?

And I find myself saying,

remember, I said, oh, I don't like that greasy look on my men.

He was like, he's not my type.

I said, not for me.

Don't like that greasy look.

I literally said it and I wanted to take the words back.

I was like, what have I just said?

What on earth was that?

I think I need to go to the pub.

I'll say like, no, this is not for me.

I'm going to golf tomorrow.

Like sometimes you can just get caught up in it all.

Like we're sitting there watching Kardashians or something.

And you just, you just slip into this.

You love it though.

You slip into this.

You just like looking at the houses.

Never.

What I'm saying is you slip into this kind of thing.

I just love watching the Kardashians.

You see the houses and the cars and stuff.

Look at the house on her.

The house on her.

Is that your thing then?

No, no, no.

So I would never do that.

But I'm just saying, like, you do find yourself.

What do you mean you'd never do that?

Do what?

Appreciate the houses.

Appreciate the houses.

I said, is that your thing then, Kardashians?

No, it's not my thing.

That's your thing.

Well, I watched along with you.

He does, he's pretending he doesn't get what I'm asking him.

Do you know that?

That's what men do.

That's a natural thing.

What do they do?

Girls out there.

This is a thing that men do.

Like if you pull them up on something,

the pretend that they don't understand the question or the accusation.

It's gaslighting.

It's called a male tactic, which is so obvious.

All the tactics that we've got, we think are really clever.

They all know.

It's like that one where you go out and they say,

you know, when you come out, what's it like?

Nah, dead in here.

Why did you come back at three in the morning then?

Oh, I wish I had gone.

So boring.

I had a shit night.

They all know.

Fifth thoughts, fifth thoughts.

What about group holidays?

What are your thoughts on that?

Couple's holidays.

Love?

Yeah.

You need a good group for a couple's holiday,

because it can go wrong on it if you're living in each other's pockets.

Like every morning, like, oh, gosh, I can't speak to them again.

And you're literally stuck with them for seven days.

Yeah, it's hard because obviously you're in life.

I think you have, well, we hang around with our family a lot.

So it's like kind of family.

It's like a spiral of, like, us, family, the closest friends,

then friends that we still love but don't see as often,

and then, like, still friends and friends,

and it gets bigger and bigger.

So they kind of, I don't think the ones on the edge of the spiral

would come on holiday, but the ones towards kind of halfway to middle.

Do you like that analogy?

Yeah, I like that.

I like that.

She's got so many friends who you still love,

but it's kind of the ones that are closer to the nucleus,

just the family core are ones that don't get on your nerves

when you go on holiday with them.

What's good about that, I suppose,

with the family kind of thing, getting on with your family, maybe,

and having a good time, taking them away or being away with them,

is that you can say whatever you want to them without,

do you know what I mean?

Like, if someone was pissing you off, you'd just say,

you're pissing me off, whereas sometimes people on the outside

of that group a little bit, you wouldn't want to say that to them.

So you would find yourself getting more annoyed and things would fester,

and then it ends up being a big round, you'd never go on holiday with them again.

Yeah, but I think, you know, as far as we're talking,

we could go away with all our friends.

You know, I think as you get older as well, your group gets smaller,

those kind of ones on the periphery kind of go after so many years,

you know, as you get, you know, more commitments at home with kids

and family life and school and da-da-da-da.

What annoys me is that I'm so shit as a friend.

I'm useless, right?

And I think most of my groups are pretty bad at this,

but we're trying to get better, because I've got a core group of friends.

By trying to get better, it means golf trip.

Yeah, but you notice the only time we really get to see each other,

like, we have to try and organise a barbecue or something,

because a lot of them live, like, all over the country,

and that, you know, trying to get to see them all at once is so difficult,

so then you've got to try and see one or two.

But it's not just your responsibility.

Then you make some school, you know, like...

They're just as bad as you.

No, yeah, but I'm probably recently,

because I've been busy and stuff, and we've got four kids.

I have been worse than... I've been the worst one.

No, but I say to your friends all the time,

come over for a barbecue, do this, do that,

because Pete's friends are great from school,

and I'm so lucky to have friends like his,

because, you know, it is a big group.

Yeah.

And, like, you know, when we got together,

like, they've always been great with me and I love them,

but they're all shit.

They're all crap at organising anything.

If I didn't have WhatsApp groups,

I wouldn't know what they're doing, ever,

because I just...

If I picked up the phone to call Greg or Ed or Pop,

or Herman or whatever,

they would all think that something really bad happened,

and automatically get, oh, my God, what's happened?

Like, they'd think the worst.

Oh, my God, I spend hours a day on the phone to my friends.

Hours, like, it's hours.

Like, I'm not joking.

I'll watch the telly and just...

It's two and a half hours, is it, per night?

I know, but most of my best friends don't live near,

so we have to have our daily catch-up, our daily grind.

That's unreal.

It's just, obviously, just not how I operate.

What about kicking people out of WhatsApp groups,

or would you just create a new one?

What about kick...

It's a standard set-up and new one,

without customers having it.

I think so.

But sometimes I put messages in the wrong group.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That must have happened regularly.

That's awful, actually.

You did it in my golf group, didn't you?

Really picturesque bikini, you know, in my golf-flats group.

I don't know if that was meant or what.

I don't know, but honestly, she put this thing, she put it...

Just let me know how lucky you are.

So, I got a load of messages,

like, because I didn't have my phone,

because I didn't have my phone.

And you sent it off my phone.

I was texting Kaz off Pete's phone, because my phone's died.

And she bought me this bikini.

So, I was sending her a picture of me in the bikini on the beach.

Like, it was like a joke when I was like that on the beach or whatever.

But I just typed in, like, c-c-c-c-a.

And it must have come up as one of your groups.

It must have had a c-a in the thing.

And I just pressed it to the first one.

But none of us knew that we'd sent it to the wrong group.

And then you just cook it in the...

Flurry of messages.

And then, obviously, I'd deleted it.

And then loads of them underneath,

and I'd go, don't worry, it's been screened.

One of them said I've laminated it,

and put it on my bedroom wall.

Remember when you sexted my mum?

Oh, what?

By mistake.

By mistake?

You're kind of me bothered to sext me

anywhere I just get a beaver and an aubergine.

Well, you've stopped as well.

You still love them dickpicks?

A modern-day dickpick is just a beaver and an aubergine.

They can't. We've been caught enjoying those, can they?

No, they absolutely don't.

Do they not?

No.

Men think they do, though.

No, they absolutely don't.

It's horrifying and disgusting.

There's just no way.

There's no way a woman on Earth has ever looked at a penis

and gone, oh, that's so nice.

What a shame.

Just, just never.

What a shame.

Why would they, though?

I know.

Floppy sausage.

It wouldn't be floppy if you said that, would it?

Well, no idea.

I've never had one.

I actually never had one.

You have?

Am I?

They're all sending a picture of a bank card.

Oh, yeah.

He does.

He has this terrible gag that he always does to me.

Like, so if I'm like, I need to pay for something online,

I'm like, can you send me a picture of your bank card?

He just, like, balances the bank card on his penis

and then sends you the picture.

You don't have the shots.

I don't have that, though.

Do you know what, the couple of times I've done it,

like, slightly, so you don't know.

It's, like, just in the corner.

Just the same.

And I just see the bank card, she says.

I see, like, the thumbnail, and then you're like,

what is that in the background?

What's that little pink mushroom in the background?

It's the one I'm looking after, the fellas here.

Just for reference, you know, just send it with,

if they are over after the bank card, just slide it down.

I didn't think so.

No, don't.

When I do it, when I'm taking the picture,

I am crying because of last night.

Like, at the thought of my own gag.

I'm crying when I see it.

Like, I wasn't being horrified.

I've sent it on to people, though.

Do you have one?

I remember you said that, yeah.

Like, I think it was to get, like,

someone from one of the shopping outlets I shop on.

It's like, sorry, your bank card's not working.

Can you just send me a picture of another one?

And they'll send.

You didn't actually send it.

I remember you said you were gonna close to it,

couldn't you, sorry?

Close to send them, Peter Helmut.

The real serial number on it.

One of our favourite gags, that one.

Anyway, enjoy that, friends chat.

I love our friends.

They're all great.

Friends are important.

You know, our friends are, like,

a huge, huge part of our life and make a huge impact.

A huge part of everyone's life.

I think they are.

It's the core of who you are.

I think so.

And do you know what I love?

You know, when we go out with our friends,

and, like, we meet, you know, other friends

who are our friends, but not our friendship group friends,

they always text us and go, like,

what an amazing group of friends you've got there,

like, everyone's amazing.

Don't they?

Yeah, that's good news, isn't it?

Mm-hmm.

They say, what's that saying they say?

They tell a lot by someone, through their friends.

With the company they keep.

Something like that.

Profound.

Do you know what?

Let's get into our favourite part of the Agony app.

My haze on, dear Agony app,

so one of my best friends has told her boyfriend

he can't talk to me on our big family group holiday.

Why?

I don't know why.

Nothing untoward has ever happened,

and obviously never would.

We all have kids and partners.

I don't understand the issue.

It makes me not want to go.

I'm good friends with all my other friends' partners,

and they are, and she is, with mine.

I can't say anything as she will know who's told me.

But also someone's told her on the sly, then.

Yeah.

Maybe he told her, and there is something going on.

So the boyfriend can't talk to one of her girlfriends.

So if you came to me and said,

Don't you dare talk to us.

Don't you dare talk to us.

She obviously feels threatened by this.

Obviously, yeah.

But maybe it's been some kind of chemistry

that she's noticed in the past,

and she wants to knit that in the bud straight away.

You can't nip chemistry.

You can't.

You can't?

But sometimes, surely you do have to.

Are you laughing at us?

If there's chemistry, though,

like, you can't just,

you have to nip it in the bud, don't you?

You can't.

You can't.

So what you're saying, if there's chemistry,

if we're out together,

and there's chemistry of you and another friend,

you can't nip it, you're gone.

I don't mean it like that.

Can't get that, gone.

Chemistry here, can't nip it.

See how they are.

No, I was thinking more of the opposite.

I was thinking that.

I was saying, is it being out, and there's chemistry,

do you have chemistry with someone else?

No, I'm not.

But like, you're going to say that if there is,

like, of course you have to nip it in the bud.

But I don't think they're ever out of it.

No, they haven't.

Chemistry?

I was thinking about the other way around.

And I'm like, me and you, we've got chemistry.

So you couldn't nip that in the bud.

Yeah, but we've also, we're also together.

What I'm saying is, if there's, if there's chemistry,

this is not me, by the way.

To give us the right chemistry.

I haven't had chemistry, I've not had chemistry.

You're the fuck of your chemistry with another friend.

The other side of the chemistry,

honestly, Mr Burns, glass and science.

You've definitely had chemistry with another friend.

I don't have chemistry.

I'm not, this is someone else.

This is an agony out, but we're trying to help.

What I'm just saying is-

Well, all the gals in our group are ugly and boring,

so you don't need-

She's going for the group.

She's going for the group.

You definitely haven't had any chemistry with our group.

A sister, boring, complete hound.

Cast, total, monter.

Also, no banter.

Oh, God.

I'm not equating it to our relationship.

I'm just saying that if you thought it was chemistry,

you know, in the group, right,

you would, you would say you go fucking nearer on this trip.

That sounds bad.

You, that's how you would say it.

You'd say it to me as well?

10%.

I would say it.

Don't be making out.

Like, it's me.

It's like-

Imagine someone starts to flirt with the other person.

That's not you.

That's not on you guys.

Is it for a day?

How would we flirt when you go,

I don't like that nipping in the woods.

Do you know what I mean?

Don't talk to them for the rest of the holiday.

That's not unusual.

That's not on that person.

I flirt with you.

Yeah, but that's quite impossible.

I'll have to talk to someone another day, isn't it?

Yeah, I think so.

But what she's saying,

I don't think she's saying don't talk to them,

it's just be civil.

But you know, no like flirting.

So do you think the girl's the flirt,

or she's worried that her husband fants?

I think she's worried probably right with her husband,

maybe fants is this girl.

But it's probably in her own head, but-

Obviously.

In a woman.

It probably is.

She's probably made up this scenario.

It's probably bored.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They love a bit of dramas.

You love a bit of dramas, aren't you?

I just hope not.

Yeah, yeah.

Love a bit of drama, don't you?

I do think it's a difficult one, that one.

But like, I think he's just got to be aware

of the fact that she's put onto him.

It's a risky take, isn't it?

Going, you know, big groups,

loads of different men and women.

Chemicals everywhere.

It's a hazard.

It's a rare chemical hazard waiting to happen.

Chemicals.

What's the one that makes the big explosion?

No one likes a match.

Fireworks.

What is that? Nitrogen?

There you go.

A little bit of A-star wisdom coming out there.

Actually, up to you.

Huh?

Oxygen and nitrogen.

Oxygen relights a glowing spill.

Did you know that?

Oxygen relights a what?

Glowing spill.

Splits spill.

Oxygen relights a glowing spill.

I don't know, but that was a glowing spill.

Like, if you've got, like, a little piece of wood

with a little bit of glow on it.

What do you mean, glow?

A little bit of fire.

A little bit of fire.

That's not a full flame.

Yeah.

So we're learning as well as enjoying and helping.

It is spill.

I remember that.

So it's one of them sayings that it took away from school.

Remember?

Whoa, glad you did.

All right.

Well, that was another episode of The Therapy Crouch.

I've enjoyed it.

The gang.

I'm sure you have.

You can't say that every week.

I've enjoyed it again.

I've enjoyed it.

I've enjoyed it.

I've enjoyed last week.

I've enjoyed this week.

You didn't enjoy last week,

about the week before, when you were dying from blaster.

Okay, that's all folks.

Smiling.

She's a next one.

Machine-generated transcript that may contain inaccuracies.