The Therapy Crouch: Freaky Friday

What's y'all doing down there?

What's y'all doing?

What's your pretty little ass doing down there?

Come on, sit on my horse.

Ha ha ha.

Your body, my mum's brain, and my mum's body and your brain.

Yeah.

Like, I'm sitting on the plane, like Peter crying to quarterback.

I'm not changing the floor because the donkey could slip.

Oh my God, who are you?

Hello, and welcome to The Therapy Crouch with me, Abbie Clancy.

Me, Peter Crouch.

Even very tan, babe.

Yeah, well, we've been on hold, haven't we?

Yeah.

And I really enjoyed it.

Airport Ab, bizarrely, was rained right back in.

You've listened, and you've took it on board.

I was trying to make a conscious effort to, you know, not stress.

I've been so excited for this holiday.

And I just didn't want to, you know, put out any bad vibes at all.

I'll be honest with you, you didn't.

I know.

You were really, really good.

But I think it's because I was so organised, I was ready, I was packed.

I just took over all your jobs, so I didn't have to moan at you for anything.

Ah, OK.

So, it was all good.

Well, I liked it. I really enjoyed it.

It was all good.

It was good, it was, it was, the airport experience was just a,

it was just really nice.

We managed to get our airport sausage.

I sent you a picture of them, Ross.

Picture?

Yeah.

Don't look all that.

But they didn't look, they didn't look as appealing.

The airport sausage, they tasted good, they didn't they?

Yeah, you know, when it's like, it's like most meals I make,

actually, they don't look as good as they taste.

Yeah, they look like shite, but they taste amazing.

But I don't know if you've noticed what I'm sporting today as well.

I'm ashamed you've actually brought that up yourself.

I was just going to ignore the whole outfit.

What do you mean?

You can't ignore it.

You know what's funny about Pete's like Gucci outfit now,

you know, obviously it costs a fortune.

And I think because he's had that much stick,

he doesn't go out outdoors, innit?

He just, he's got like...

The loungewear.

Gucci loungewear now.

It's chic loungewear.

This is how he rolls, he's such a baller.

It's chic loungewear, it's not like, you know, I might...

Show us your feet.

What are these socks?

Are they dirty at the moment?

They are filthy, yeah.

I keep telling you not to go out in the garden.

I haven't taken them off since I've had them.

I don't want you to walk in the garden

and then walk through the house,

because that's what you're walking in the house.

Listen, if I'm going to pay that for a pair of socks,

I'm going to fucking get some use out of them.

I've worn them every day.

But listen, let's be honest, I look casual chic.

So I saw Jack really, she had the exact same outfit on.

I did say, didn't I?

But the second...

He's in a pod.

That's three outfits now.

That Pete's got the same as Jack.

What the other two?

Yeah, the towel and embossed Gucci shorts

with the red and green satin stripe down the side, you know.

Old Jack was out in that the other day.

Well, I don't know who's copying who, really.

Maybe I'm trial blazing.

And that's your face time, and Jack really is from home.

Listen, he's an incredibly stylish young man,

as I said on the previous podcast, and so am I.

I'm an older gentleman now, but I'm still stylish.

I prefer you to look a bit more like, you know, Italian.

Yeah, but that's what I like to look like as well, but I just think...

You know, like in your linen shirt, you kind of chinos those lovely shoes.

Well, that's my look.

The sunglasses.

Sometimes you've just got to spice it up, keep things fresh.

Box fresh.

Yeah, a little bit.

What have you got here, baby? You made some notes this week.

Yeah, I've got a little pad, because I broke my phone this week.

Oh, well.

Smash my phone.

Did you throw it at a skating board?

No, I just...

I was walking down the stairs on the way to the airport and dropped my phone.

It smashed, so the screen wouldn't work, and it's been really tricky to kind of...

Do anything, really.

Like, I forget...

You know, totally forget that.

I don't know how to get anywhere that ways.

Yeah, it's part of you, isn't it?

Does anyone know how to use a sat-nav in a car?

Because there's so hard.

I can't use the sat-nav in the car.

It comes up in, like, Atlanta and stuff like that.

When I type in a destination, it's, like, Colorado or something, I'm like, what the hell?

That's why you went to Dover when you came to watch the play at Stoke.

Yeah, so I'll put, you know, sit on the driveway, type it into ways, destination set,

clip it on the thing, off you go.

You know, places that I go to on a daily basis, I couldn't even get there without my phone.

I was like, oh, my God, it's ridiculous how much we rely on phones and, you know,

having to plan to meet people at a certain time.

And then there was so much traffic, I was late.

Like, what did we even do without phones?

No, well, you can't function very well.

But what I've realised now is this leads me nicely onto my one of the week, really,

is that when Abby has broken her phone or lost her phone, when she's offline,

she's not offline because she just takes mine.

And it's not just for like, oh, I just need to send a text and give it straight back.

It's like, I'm just going to speak to Cas for two and a half hours and do what I do anyway

on my phone, but just on yours.

And I just don't have one when she hasn't got one.

Yeah, but you're not as phony as me.

You are phony.

I've noticed that on this podcast.

Not phony.

Phonish, then.

Well, I just, yeah, I don't use it as much as you, definitely not.

No, because you don't speak to your friends.

You don't reply to texts.

You don't read emails.

You don't have Instagram.

Don't use your share calendar.

Exactly.

Don't use the bloody calendar.

So I actually don't even know why you don't answer the phone to me.

So why do you have a phone?

I don't know.

That's a valid point for your backup, for your emergency.

Yeah, it's just a backup phone for you.

I like taking pictures.

Not that much, though.

I really know.

I quite like how on the group chat, Abby didn't mention that.

She was using your phone, though.

So we just talk quite aggressively just to people.

Well, this is what happened the other day, honestly, right?

It's like, all of a sudden, I'm like, really aggressive.

Pizza's out of the paint.

Pizza's out of the paint.

Why did I, was I talking about it?

She did the, it was the guard there.

But can I just say?

This is the best one.

I am so sick to death of, you know,

people take advantage of our good nature, I think.

So yeah, we're paying someone to do some maintenance, right?

And they didn't do the job.

And usually, Abby would just text the right,

but she's done it off my phone, but she's done it in my language.

So she's one, what she thinks is like, lad chat.

So she's gone, all right, mate.

This hasn't been done.

This hasn't been done.

Sort it out.

All right, cheers, geese.

Or you're fired, geese.

Two kisses at the end.

Yeah, two kisses.

When I'm always...

There's so many mixed signals going on.

Don't ever pretend to be me.

Just say, look, it's Abby on Pete's phone.

No, because sometimes people don't listen to me.

I think, you know, if, if you throw a bit of authority in,

maybe they'll do the job,

but like I'm sick of turning up to a dead garden,

I'm just going to put it out there.

So I fired him on Pete's phone.

Did you?

Yeah.

As, as me.

When I turned up, he'd been fired.

I didn't actually know about it.

All right, geese.

Hi, geese.

He's like that.

You must have thought,

I've been in the weather spoons at the airport.

No, because I just think sometimes

if you send the text message to go,

oh, God, we best, we best make sure everything's okay.

Everything's good if, you know, if Pete's texting

because he don't listen to me.

Because I've like cried to him and everything, you know,

and they just don't care.

You know, I've got this pad.

I like putting pen to paper.

And I'm, you know, going through some notes

and I've, there's something that you've written in this pad.

Oh, no.

Sacrifices.

Daddy made lots of sacrifices.

Daddy made lots of sacrifices.

Okay.

Why did you write that?

I don't know.

It's obviously.

Sacrifices.

Daddy made lots of sacrifices.

It's like, I think I wrote, I wrote a script.

And I must have started on that and realised

I probably can't take that.

I did a talk in school, didn't I?

I remember that.

You calling yourself daddy now?

Daddy's got it here for you.

I wrote like a speech to the kids about like,

kind of making sacrifices and like to, to succeed.

Go on, give us a rendition.

Daddy made lots of sacrifices to make it out of football.

You can't say daddy to young children.

Talking to my own child, talking to all the kids.

You wrote a script for your own child?

I don't, I don't know because it, no, I wrote,

I don't know why I wrote that,

but I must have been giving a lesson to one of my children

about making sacrifices to succeed.

No, that's.

What, what else is it for?

I don't know.

I said daddy.

It's for the kids.

Sacrifices.

Daddy made lots of sacrifices.

Good lesson, I think.

Great lesson.

They've read that in their book.

They'd go, oh yeah, I need to make sacrifices

so I can be like that.

I had so much parenting that goes under the radar in this house.

You don't see.

My God.

They're sports.

They recently won themselves.

Do they beat themselves to that now?

You're not head to toe in Gucci for no reason.

You've got to make sacrifices.

Oh my God.

Who are you?

The other one that I've done this week,

which has really tickled me,

was we're obviously planning Crouchfest

at the moment on the Peter Crouchpod,

and she's helping and doing some good work.

But she said, I know what we should do.

I said, what?

She said, we'll just get Joshua and Fury to fight.

I said, pardon?

Which is Crouchfest, we just get them to fight,

like do three rounds or something.

I said.

No, because I was thinking.

It's about 150 million pound fight, that one.

No, because I was thinking you've met.

And fighting Saudi Arabia or something.

No, because I was thinking.

It can't be done.

It's like the biggest fight going in the world.

Well, I was just trying to think of the football connection.

It's a great idea.

Tyson had a song out for the World Cup,

and you've met Anthony Joshua quite a few times.

And I thought, you know,

because on the Peter Crouchpod,

they've done the whole darts thing.

I thought we could do a bit of a boxing competition

and get Joshua and Fury to fight.

It's a lovely idea.

I mean, you know, if Eddie heard, if you're listening,

you know, if you want to put it on Crouchfest,

we would happily do it.

For a small fee.

I didn't know that was as ridiculous as it sounded,

but there you go.

It's your sport acknowledge that I love.

Well, that leads me onto my wine.

Oh, no.

You making me watch sports documentaries.

Like I'm sitting on the plane,

like Pete's crying to quarterback.

Like crying his eyes out.

No, I've seen it.

I've seen that before.

It looks really good.

Oh, it's so boring.

She was called stiff.

I was like, oh, my God.

Like I thought I could entice her

with like kind of their lives and stuff like that,

because you see a bit of the home life

and I thought that might kind of entice you.

But there was a lot of kind of sport.

It's too much sport for you.

No, it's just, I just don't, you know,

it's like rugby to me.

It just makes no sense.

It's just so violent.

Running around basically playing Bulldog.

Yeah.

You know what used to play in the schoolyard

where you just barge into each other

to like get across the line or get the ball, whatever.

Yeah.

It's basically just a glamourised Bulldog.

And then they add a little bit.

Glamourised Bulldog.

So bit, bit, quarterback.

What is the actual soccer?

It's called soccer, isn't it?

No, soccer's like our football.

What's American football?

It's called football.

It's called football, sorry.

Yeah, they say football, yeah.

They call it football, but it's...

American football.

American football, but it's rugby and round is mixed in.

Basically.

Okay.

Rugby and cricket mixed together with a bit with a bit of old.

That's throw things quite crickety.

Okay.

No, I don't know.

I don't care.

I don't care.

But it was the dullest thing I've ever seen.

I'm not a huge American football fan, but...

He's like crying, crying, is that it?

So, you know, when you can't cry my eyes out...

You were, and you know, when you can't hear,

when you've got ear pods in,

you can't hear the noise that you're making.

So I'm just sitting next to...

Breathing like that.

And because you're crying to court about us, so emotional.

I was just, I like seeing people achieve stuff.

It does, it does, it gives me a good feeling, especially in sport.

The last dance was phenomenal.

Yeah, that's what I thought I couldn't touch you,

because you quite like Neymar as well.

You quite like the Neymar documentary.

Yeah, but that wasn't really about football, was it?

Well, it was a lot of off-field stuff.

That's what I mean.

It's like, if it goes to sport, she loses interest.

But it's hard, because I want to see

But it's hard, because there's so many what I want to watch,

like Matchpoint, the tennis one,

caught back, you know, there's so many like

football documentaries that I want to watch,

and my list is piling up, and I'll keep going.

I really like the Sir Alex Fegg as a man.

Yeah, that was good.

But my list is piling up, and it's like,

I feel like out the loop when people are talking about it,

and I'm like, oh no, I was doing fucking Kardashian,

or like, you know, I was watching Grey's Anatomy.

You love Grey's Anatomy.

Dr. McDreamy.

We think we're there, mate.

Yeah, you do.

Your foreign accent was out in full force as well on this trip,

which, the fact that I said it was a bit of a nick,

you didn't obviously don't give a shit.

No, but you know, Ross lived out in Spain,

didn't he, for three years.

He couldn't even say please in Spanish.

That's poor for four.

He saw that coming and mellowing.

He's been Catalan as well, don't you?

Oh, wow.

I thought you did.

So just Spanish Portuguese.

Hola, amigo. ¿Cómo estás?

Estamos aquí grabando un pocas con mi primo, Abby,

su marido, Petro, y Juan, el productor.

Es sistente.

John, the producer.

¡Asistente!

Super, Ross.

Good to have you out there when I was going.

My marido is...

Cosmic.

Yeah, I know. I know that.

Cos' I learned that in my lesson.

Cos' she taught me how to say sorry to my husband.

No, I said to her, how can I say,

my husband is a childish baby.

And she wouldn't tell me.

So which babies aren't childish?

Childish adults.

Which babies aren't children?

My marido es finito.

Childish baby.

No wonder you're crap at Portuguese.

Childish baby.

A fucking childish baby.

A child or a baby.

Well, I was referring to you as an adult being a childish baby.

This is what I'm dealing with.

This is what I'm dealing with.

I can't think straight, did I?

Shall we cheers to our wine?

Oh, yeah.

Cheers.

Right, today's episode is brought to you by the National Lottery.

I brought along a very good friend of mine

an award-winning podcaster, Mr. Chris Stark.

Yes, guys.

I'm pleased I'm on this because

Abbie, you occasionally come on our podcast.

So it feels really unusual being you in this situation

and being the other way around.

You know, it's a bit like...

It's quite intimidating.

I don't know, what's that TV show?

Wiveswap.

It's a bit like that, isn't it?

But I know we're about to talk about the National Lottery, right?

I'm very keen to get into this for exactly that reason.

You know, that's a million-dollar question, isn't it?

What would you spend your money on?

Would you tell people?

I don't think I'm telling anyone.

I know what Chris would do by the highest tech barbecue

you can ever imagine.

But you'd still do it yourself, Chris, right?

Yeah, totally.

I think there's two big questions there, isn't there?

It's do you tell anyone or do you kind of keep it to yourself?

Because there is an amazing moment, I guess, when you win.

That's really special that you haven't got to deal

with everyone asking all the questions about

what you're going to spend your money on.

There is something quite nice about keeping it a secret.

However, I do like to imagine that probably my first phone call

would be to you, Peter.

The thing is, if you won that much,

you want to know that you're spending it

on the right things almost immediately.

And I think you guys would be great at advising what that is.

Well, I don't think Peter's in any position

to advise people how to spend their money,

especially when he wanted to spend £50,000 on a slide.

I didn't want to spend £50,000 on a slide.

I won the National Lottery the day I met you, bro.

Woo-hoo! Correct answer.

I mean, come on, let's be real here, right?

Because that's another interesting question, isn't it?

People always say, if you could win the lottery,

or dot, dot, dot, what would you choose?

And obviously, the right answer is saying,

of course, I would love to be with you.

Or, of course, I'll choose you, babe.

But it's a very legitimate question, isn't it?

I know for a fact, if you could win the lottery

or go out with me, you would definitely choose to win the lottery.

It's a tough one, isn't it?

Peter?

Could I have both?

No, you can't.

Essentially.

Me and Pete were, had a row in bed one night

about winning the National Lottery,

because I'd spent the money.

And for me, the pleasure of winning the lottery

would be to give it to other people.

You like to think that that's the case, right?

But also, do you take the view, Abby,

if you won the National Lottery,

that that's your money and not Pete's?

Do you know what I mean?

If you've got the tick here,

would you be tempted to just kind of have it yourself

and just keep it as your thing?

Or would you give half the Pete to almost immediately?

I'd probably put them on an allowance.

There's no one now.

You know, like a little Go Henry kind of vibe.

Because the National Lottery would be such an unexpected win,

I think you've got to treat it as dream come true money.

You've done something so special winning it,

that I think if you want to go sensible,

there are certain people you can call for that,

and it can be done very sensibly.

But I think it's all about going and treating it as like,

what's the ultimate dream?

So if I win serious money on the National Lottery,

my temptation is to go and get the world's biggest barbecue.

Okay, I love my barbecuing.

You both know this.

So I think what the National Lottery encourages you to almost go,

right, I'm going to go and get the biggest thing

of whatever it is I like.

Part of me thinks, though, that would then be more hassle.

Just because you've got the biggest barbecue

doesn't necessarily mean it's the best.

But imagine how much meat you could buy.

You could fill it.

Well, then I'm thinking you'd get like a sort of

golden-crusted barbecue, couldn't you?

You could get like a Pimp My Barbecue

with like diamonds on and gold-plated

and spray-painted with like your daughter's face on it.

It could be proper pimped.

You might, if you did do that,

you might be the only person who's won the National Lottery

that I don't want to go around to his house afterwards.

No, I like to think I would turn into,

although I can't tell I'm his biggest fan,

but I think if I won the National Lottery

and I'm so into barbecuing, I'd be like Salt Bay.

It'd be golden leaf on the sides, that kind of thing.

You know, I've quite fancied the idea of a cruise,

but I don't want to be stuck with people.

So it's a solo cruise.

So we could...

I would hire...

Am I on it or not?

No, you're on it.

I would hire a cruise ship for all our friends

and get the whole cruise experience, but without people.

Once in a lifetime.

Yeah, and then we could stop at all the most incredible places

all across the world.

Chris on the barbecue.

Chris on the barbecue, pimped to death.

I can actually move my slide onto the cruise ship.

Exactly.

We could just, you know, fly our own acts in.

Ed Sheeran giving us serenade as well.

We're eating our meat.

So after this week-long trip, we're going to have any left?

No.

And do you know what's great about this?

It's achievable because, as we all know,

people do win the National Lottery

and it could be any of us, couldn't it?

And it's funny, isn't it?

Like, when you have these discussions,

it does actually get you thinking.

So I am going to have to go and get a ticket now and...

Do you do Lucky Dip or do you do the same numbers?

No, it's a mixture of both for me.

When I'm thinking my numbers and I close my eyes,

what's the number that comes to my head?

And they're the numbers I go for.

All right, cheers, Chris.

We'll see you soon, mate. Thanks, Chris.

See you later, guys. Bye, then.

So, just like any of us, when it comes to the National Lottery,

it could be you.

If you were to play tonight,

where would you keep your ticket while you wait for your numbers?

I don't know what I'd do.

Like, if it's a winning ticket,

like, surely it can't leave you.

It can't leave your body somehow.

Can you imagine?

Well, thanks to the National Lottery

for allowing us to live out a life of newfound luxuries.

I know my next move is to get a ticket in store or via the app,

punch in my lucky numbers and make all of this a reality.

So remember, the National Lottery

is where your numbers make amazing happen.

Whether it's a big jackpot win

or helping the National Lottery

good causes across the country

continue with the amazing work they do.

We're in Portugal with our friends

and we were, you know, we were talking about

whose life would you swap with?

I remember, yeah, it was a good conversation.

I enjoyed it, actually. We went on for ages.

Yeah, it was quite thought-provoking.

Well, like, say, if you can't be yourself,

but you can pick anyone.

Yeah, because, you know, watching, like,

the last dance and the quarterback thing,

I wouldn't be a quarterback, though.

Wet.

Would you be a man?

I probably am a bit of a man, anyway.

Quite, I'm quite like a...

But you say to me sometimes, like,

oh, it's such a bore like being a girl.

When you get, you have to get your hair done.

Because I hate getting ready.

Yeah, it's a lot.

I hate getting ready. I hate doing my hair.

I hate doing my makeup. I hate getting nails done.

I hate, you know, it's...

A man just gets up and goes.

Yeah.

I mean, I wouldn't be a girl, I don't think.

Even for a day?

Maybe for a day.

Even for five minutes?

Yeah.

Even for 30 seconds?

No, because it, you know,

you're not under that pressure, are you?

Do you mean?

I don't get it.

Yeah, should we move on?

Don't worry.

Um, no, I wouldn't be a girl.

Under the pressure?

Is that like...

On the bottom?

No, no, no.

No, I'm talking about, obviously,

the pressure of a man to, like, perform,

isn't there, where there isn't that pressure for a female?

It depends.

It depends what relationship you're in,

because some men don't do anything

and make the girl do everything.

Cool.

What relationship that being?

I want to come back to that guy.

I don't have to work.

I just, I just turn up.

I just, I don't have to work.

I just turn up.

I'm performing.

I'm performing.

Anyone?

Never mind you.

Listen, when you look like that,

you don't have to perform.

Don't have to.

Well, um,

my hair's a little bit out.

Don't touch me.

Why not?

I'm talking about...

There you go.

Shall I look after you?

Okay, well, listen,

let me stop you there.

I think we've got some audience ones,

who they'd be.

So let's go with them first.

I've got a message from Linda,

from Dublin.

She's about to go on a Hindu tomorrow,

and she said,

I would be Tom Hardy,

because I'd look at myself

in the mirror all day.

I think because I'm going on this Hindu,

my willy, my mind,

sorry, not my willy,

my mind has to be willy orientated.

Slut.

Pete?

I could not say that.

Tom Hardy.

Yeah, he's, he's quite a...

You know, he's a favourite

with the women, isn't he?

Well, he is, yeah.

And he parked your car once.

Yeah.

And that's not a euphemism.

Euphemism?

A euphemism.

Well, I hope it's just...

No, I got stuck in a multi-storey car park.

I got too close to the concrete barrier,

and he helped me get out,

and I was so stressed and freaking out,

and blah, blah, blah.

And I didn't realise it was him

till after the ordeal.

And then I was like,

oh my God, that was Tom Hardy who helped us.

Right, yeah?

Tom Hardy.

Great Parker.

OK, another one here.

My husband, just to see what it's like

to have everything done for you,

food made, not to hear the kids at night.

I'm sure, Ni.

She likes to be her husband

because she likes to just not be able to hear

all the stuff she hears.

I do think men get it easier.

Yeah.

I do.

Well, that's a...

You know, I think,

I think it's got better for women

over the years.

That might have been the case.

No, just even, not even like,

with regards to like rights and,

you know, jobs and all of that kind of thing.

I just think actually the physicalities

of being a man is so much easier

than being a girl.

Well, yeah.

I mean, don't have to get ready,

you know, just take as long as it doesn't like...

There's lots of other reasons as well.

Childbirth.

Childbirth periods.

Childbirth periods.

They look like a right pain in the arse.

Quite literally.

But then the flip side of that is

it's actually quite a privilege to be a woman.

You know, God chose the female to have the kids

because obviously we're better than men.

Is that how you see it?

Yeah.

Or he wouldn't want to, you know...

He'd flick that on a man.

We don't want to flick that

because he's probably more proud of the man.

No, but would you not like the feeling

to have a baby growing inside you?

I'm comfortable with creating a baby

and not carrying it.

I'm comfortable with that.

But has it never crossed your mind

of what it would feel like?

Or...

Not once.

Really?

No.

I think it's an incredible thing.

But like, I think it's an incredible thing

to like, you know, feel that I've kind of put that...

From afar.

You know, into somebody you love.

Don't be like trying to claim it like it's yours.

Like, I've done that.

Well, it is.

I literally just put it in you.

Without me, it wouldn't be there.

Tell that to fucking Mary.

Well, I've got a few thoughts on that as well.

You believe that one?

Well...

I've got a few thoughts on that as well.

No, but you can't...

So, is that how you view a pregnant woman?

Look at us from afar and be like...

I did that.

I did that.

I built that.

I built that.

I built that.

That's literally what every man says.

All that is because of me.

I created that.

I created that.

Like, so when a baby's born...

I gave you the gift of life.

Oh, my God.

I have...

I can't believe we've gone 17 years without even discussing this.

So, when the baby is born, are you like, I did that?

Yeah, 100%.

I can't believe that.

Well, I did, didn't I?

No.

Of course I did.

Pete, you didn't?

You carried my child and gave birth to it.

And I thank you every day for that.

But I created it.

Came out of me.

It came out of you.

It's like a little tadpole that you can't even see

unless you've got a microscope.

It's a baby.

It's a baby.

It's a baby.

You didn't make...

I put a baby in you.

That's the truth.

No.

You carried it for me and gave it back.

No.

I cannot believe this.

Every eyelash, every bone, every skin...

Yeah, obviously it picked up, you know, some...

Eyeball, every organ.

I made that, I made that, not you.

100%, like obviously the baby that I gave to you,

you know, then obviously has your traits as well.

You know...

I grew...

From your womb.

You gave me a tadpole.

I was the one who turned it into a human.

Yeah, which is incredible.

You grew it, you know?

It's like, I don't know, it's like...

What? Frogs ball, you know, it's like...

It's like you put it there, don't you?

And then the lady kind of fertilises it.

No, that's not what happens.

Well, yeah, I'm not...

I'm not denying, you know, they're your children,

but they're your children because I gave you them.

Oh my God.

I'm flabbergasted by this.

Next one.

You think?

No, it's...

I'm already having a joke.

It's going to be a podcast on itself.

Obviously, I'm already having a joke.

You had no contribution apart from the sperm cell?

The baby.

Apart from the baby I put in there.

I had no contribution right up to the baby I gave you.

It wasn't a baby that you gave me?

It was.

You gave me a piece of sperm?

That sperm is the...

Yeah, but without that sperm, there's no baby.

Yeah, but...

You carried it fantastically well.

You've got sperm in you all the time.

You haven't got loads of babies.

No, but, you know...

It was me who turned it into a baby, not you.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

The female.

It's us women who do that.

Potato, potato.

Let's move on to the next one.

But, you know, we've got four gorgeous ones

and we've loved them so much.

I love you so much.

Number three, my ex-wife.

It'd be nice to see my money again for a few hours.

That's funny.

Andrew.

That was a belter.

Andrew sounds bitter.

Say he probably is.

There's a few out there.

That's funny.

Number four, Beyoncé.

To see if all the rumours about her and Jay-Z are true.

What rumours?

Kate Middleton.

What's the rumours of Jay-Z and Beyoncé?

That they're married, I don't know.

The rumours that they're married.

Do you see if they're true?

Well, they are married, aren't they?

Could be a rumour.

Make your own minds up on that.

But she also goes on to say Kate Middleton

because who doesn't want to know what really goes on?

With Big Willie.

With the future king of England, you know.

David Attenborough, just because he's a cool guy,

they get some pretty cool stuff done.

That's Emma.

David Attenborough is a good one.

What a life he's had.

Yeah.

But I imagine he's got a lot of fear.

You know, and he probably feels like he's banging his head again.

It's a brick wall.

You know, he's warned us.

He's warned the human race for so long about, you know,

global warming and the effects.

Global warming and the effects it's having on the planet and animals.

And no one's listening to him.

That must be really difficult.

But I'd love to be David Attenborough.

Yeah, it would be.

Yeah, incredible life.

Mind you, he's actually there on a lot of them.

Well, he's probably in the studio.

He's in the BBC with the microphone.

Yeah, he probably is now.

But I mean, back in the day, he was travelling a lot.

Because you saw him there, didn't you?

Yeah, he's done his fair share.

I saw him.

He's seen a few animals in his life.

I saw him.

No, no.

I mean, like, you see him on the telly.

Oh.

He's there, he's there.

Did I see him in the Antarctic?

I love David Attenborough.

On a hangover, the next day, watching kind of life or planet Earth.

What do you like watching them?

Do you like the underwater?

Do you like land or sea?

Oh, that's a big question.

Land, the big animals.

Do you?

Lions, tigers, hyenas.

I do like seeing underwater stuff.

Rainforests are pretty amazing.

Rainforests, the one.

Can be, yeah.

All right, another number five.

Better one on the Freaky Friday vibe.

Your mum and your misses swap bodies.

The only way to get it back to normal

is you have to sleep with one of them.

Which one are you choosing?

Crouchy respond.

Well, that's an obvious question.

That's a stitchy answer.

Obvious answer.

You would obviously...

Your mum and your misses.

To get...

What?

Yeah, but so...

Have you seen the film Freaky Friday?

So you'd have to see...

The mom and daughter swap bodies.

I haven't seen it.

I wondered why it was called Freaky Friday.

It's Jamie Lee Curtis, the body.

And it's at Lindsay Lohan as well.

Lindsay Lohan.

So...

So it'd be...

Your body, my mum's brain,

and my mum's body and your brain.

Yeah.

That is disgusting.

Perverted.

I can't...

Of course he hasn't put his name to it.

Perfect.

Ross.

Oh, my God.

It's your body.

And hopefully a quiet mother.

I want to talk more about David Attenborough.

It was the...

That was the question.

I didn't want to answer it,

but I felt like I had to.

Okay.

All right, let's get into it.

Would you go back in time to Sinatra or Marilyn Monroe?

Would you not want to be Marilyn Monroe?

I wouldn't...

I personally wouldn't like to be female.

I can't believe that's so adamantly.

No, not adamant.

I mean, Marilyn Monroe were like,

you know, I'm a big fan of Madonna.

I like Madonna.

I'm not going to lie.

I, you know, I has crossed my mind.

You could be Madonna.

Is that where you've got your virgin quote from?

I'd like to.

I'd listen to...

Inspired by Madonna.

Incredible artist of a generation.

Let's be honest.

Come on, some absolute belters.

George Michael.

Hello, Pete.

We were watching Wham! last night.

Yeah, but you know what?

That's documentary.

Our God is last.

It's unreal, but you know what?

It's such a troubled life, didn't he?

You know, there's a lot of it.

Not being able to come out like that.

But you'd be troubled if you were...

If you were high in your sexuality,

because you felt like you couldn't be who you are.

That is traumatic.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm not saying that,

but I'm just saying if you want to be someone,

you don't want to have that kind of like...

That issue.

You know, of course, I totally agree with you.

Like George, he's had a troubled life,

but that's what I'm saying.

I wouldn't want to choose a troubled life.

Obviously genius, though.

Madonna's had a troubled life, though.

Well, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, you know, but it's...

There's been a lot of good in there as well.

But Marilyn Monroe again, quite tragic.

Yeah, I mean, that's tragic.

She was sad the whole time, wasn't she?

Yeah, and even when you watch Elvis,

like you think, oh, Elvis, you go into it.

You go into it.

I think Elvis had the worst life.

And died early as well, you know.

But obviously, what are the incredible highs?

You don't have to do it forever, though.

You could just do it for a week.

But all those kind of tragedies

come from, like, outside influence.

They were all so controlled by people and manipulated.

You know, that kernel, like what he did to Elvis.

That was just incredible.

But you could also say, like, you know,

you'd like to be Elvis at his peak for a week, wouldn't you?

When he's young, good looking, doing all kinds.

Would be good.

I think it'd be good to be...

What's his name?

What's his name?

I said the other day.

It's not Kobe Bryant, the other one.

Michael Jordan.

I'd be Michael Jordan.

No, that's 100% what I'd be.

I would be Michael Jordan.

But why are you just taking my one?

I said...

I'm not taking your one.

Yeah, I said that, and you just taking it off me.

When?

When we had this conversation,

I said Michael Jordan would be the best one.

Yeah, but I said Michael Jordan as well,

because I watched that save the last dance.

So we're going to agree on that.

Yeah.

But you don't particularly like sport,

but do you think you'd like sport if you're Michael Jordan?

I like basketball.

I love basketball.

Actually, is this a point to it?

Okay.

He passed it to each other and get it in that net.

Alley hoop?

They do.

In the hoop.

It makes sense.

It's logical.

It's a logical game.

It's a logical game, but like, I just think someone...

I mean, he is elite kind of sportsman.

He's elite.

And he's, you know, his attitude.

He looks like he's kind.

He looks after everyone.

I thought he was quite tough.

What is so hard?

But like...

I wouldn't say he was that overriding characteristic,

because he was kind.

Not kind, but like a team player.

Yeah.

Eventually.

I think to be that elite,

you've got to be single-minded.

And he was ruthless to some people

that weren't pulling good enough.

Yeah, but that's right.

Yeah, I don't disagree.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

It's like, he is an absolute genius.

But like, there's a few other ones up there as well,

like Messi or like Ronaldo.

I don't think you could pick another footballer.

Pete, you've reached every height with your career.

Let's be honest.

No, listen, this is a made-up game.

I wouldn't change my life.

I wouldn't change it.

No, I wouldn't change it.

I wouldn't.

He actually said if he died tomorrow,

he'd be happy with that.

So do you.

It wasn't like, you know, I don't want to die, obviously.

But what I said was, if something did tragically happen,

or you know, I have I lived my life to the full, yes.

What would have obviously leaving you leaving the kids would

obviously upset me and upset them.

Yeah, that's any reason I can't die.

I'm just thinking, I'm just thinking,

have I lived like kind of my dreams

and have I done all I can to be happy?

Yeah, I would genuinely say yes.

And I think that that's obviously like,

I feel very privileged to kind of be in that position.

But that's literally how I feel.

I feel like that's like a minority of the world.

Like we were saying, like, you know,

it's like quite a fun game to say,

like who you would swap with and all these people

who have done the most incredible things.

You know, because it's even like amazing, like,

you know, inventors and, you know,

people who've changed the world for like the good.

Oh, John said Henry VIII before.

Henry VIII, yeah, bloody, gout and everything.

Cicillus.

Yeah.

Cicillus.

Cicillus.

Cicillus.

He killed those wives, you know what I mean?

Eight wives.

Divorce beheaded died.

Divorce beheaded one, two.

Divorce beheaded died.

Divorce beheaded survived.

Said that we had six wives.

Killed two.

Eight wives, Lee.

No, we had six.

Six.

Did he?

Divorce one, Catherine of Aragon.

Killed Ambulane.

Killed.

He was going out with Ambulane's sister as well.

Have you seen them?

The other Bilane's sister.

That is a good film to go.

That is a good film, yeah.

Henry VIII.

Don't feel happy, Henry VIII.

I don't think that's a good era to live in.

Me neither.

I said that, no toilet at all.

So filthy.

No toothpaste.

No electricity.

I said no deodorant, but that wouldn't bother me.

Bow boy.

P.I. Barokas.

I think it would be good to be in the 70s.

Yeah.

Mick Jagger.

Well, that's a good one.

Mick Jagger, yeah.

100%.

He's lived a dream.

And he's doing still okay now, isn't he?

He's doing more than okay.

That's what I mean.

I mean, that's a crazy life.

Style icon.

Yeah.

Incredible musician, frontman.

Would you be anyone in fashion

or like a singer?

Shania.

Shania Dwayne.

Do you remember when I said that and Dan was like,

you'd be Shania Dwayne?

I'm everyone in them.

It's not a terrible one.

Hasn't her husband left her though?

Yeah, she's so heartbroken.

I don't want any heartbreak.

That's what I'm being.

I don't want a broken heart.

Too many broken hearts in the world.

Broken hearts, not the future.

I tell you, a good celebrity couple is Goldie Horn and Kate Russell.

Yeah.

You know, they've never married,

but they've just looked so in love, don't they?

Still now.

What about, you know, because obviously you talked

about Yellowstone and stuff like that,

would you be, would you like to have been born on a ranch

like Yellowstone?

100%.

Like you don't have to be famous.

That's what it means.

You don't have to be famous.

You just live on a ranch.

I'm wondering if I actually have

in a past life.

I just, I just ride past on a horse.

Howdy girl.

It's my favorite accent that cowboy.

Hop on.

What y'all doing down there?

What y'all doing?

What's your pretty little ass going down there?

Come on, sit on my horse.

Dolly Parton.

I'll just get you on the back.

Dolly Parton's a good one.

Yeah.

But you'd like to live that life, wouldn't you?

Kind of.

But would you though,

what really kind of tending to horses and gays?

That kind of thing could be a reality.

Would you kind of strive for something else

if you lived in that world?

Do you know what I mean?

If you were from that world,

that's all you've ever known.

Would you think about,

I wonder what it's like to live in London?

No.

Would we look good as like a celebrity couple?

Would we look like Justin Timberlake in Brittany?

Or J.Lo and P. Diddy?

Remember that was a good time.

J.Lo.

That's not a bad one.

Like I'd take P. Diddy all day.

Bet you would.

Oh, oh, I'm real.

You'd be J.Lo.

Oh my God.

Oh, let's do it.

How real is this game?

J.Lo.

So you want to swap me for J.Lo?

No, I'd like to be P. Diddy.

I wouldn't swap you for anything in the world.

You're so horrible.

You'll bet on J.Lo.

Fact.

What about with each other?

Would you never swap each of us just for a day?

Just see what you can take up golf for a little bit of.

You wouldn't like to be me for a day, I don't think.

Well, I'd play it differently.

I'd play it differently.

I would.

You look stressed out.

You don't need to be stressed out.

Just chill with it.

I'd definitely like, I could be you.

You couldn't be me.

Do you mean I couldn't be you?

You could be me.

I could easily be you.

Yeah, you could be me.

Basically, just to.

Think of all the skills you'd have.

Dagger eyes.

I'd like to look like you.

If I was a girl, I'd want to look like you.

I'd want to look like, I'd have your face.

Genuinely, I would.

I'd have your face.

If I was a girl.

Is that it?

Just my face.

No.

Your height is a massive, you know, plus point.

If I was a girl.

Six five is my absolute minimum.

Yeah.

Tiny, six four in it.

She likes.

It's like, when we talk about tall men, you said David Beckham.

So he's midget.

He's like six one, right?

Six foot at least.

I don't think he is.

He's six foot.

I think he's probably like five.

I've played with him, you know, in 60s.

He's probably like five, 11, but says he's six foot.

He's definitely six foot.

Do you reckon?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's tall.

He's quite tall.

Would you be like a president kind of world leader or like royalty?

That tickle you fancy or not?

Imagine being the president of the United States.

Obama.

I'd love to be Obama to the left.

That's pretty, that would be pretty good.

No other ones really.

Kennedy.

He did get a shot though.

I know, but he was nice, wasn't he?

Yeah.

Abraham Lincoln.

No.

Don't fancy him.

What about?

I don't fancy him.

I don't fancy being him.

Prime Minister?

No, absolutely not.

You think you're making a crack in Theresa May?

Are you looking a bit like Theresa May?

Freaking beats.

Theresa May just looks like a little newborn pigeon to me.

Little bird.

Looked like it's fed.

That's what she just reminds me of.

A little bit beaky.

Getting fed out of a nest.

Oh yeah.

I actually want to be Arnold Schwarzenegger.

He's got my ideal life.

He's got a donkey that runs in his kitchen.

Can you imagine?

A miniature donkey.

You've got me running around.

He just, he's literally got the dream.

He looks incredible as well for 75.

Yeah, he looks good.

He looks good.

I mean, his story is amazing.

Obviously, we've watched the documentary recently.

His story from being like the bodybuilder,

like living in Austria and end up being the governor of California

via Mr. Universe.

That's amazing.

That's like 10 lives in one, isn't it really?

It's absolutely incredible.

I like the way he kind of visioned it and manifested it.

Is incredible, I think.

But now he's got a little Shetland pony that runs into his kitchen.

God, I would die for that.

That's why I want to change our floor, Pete.

Is it a slip on us?

If a little donkey run in, it's a slip.

You want to change our floor because a donkey would slip.

What would you change it to?

Stone.

Do you need a stone?

That it'd slip on the wet?

I'm not changing the floor because a donkey could slip.

That is not a reason to change the floor.

I haven't even got a donkey, but if I did,

I'd have to change the floor.

Oh, wow.

We'd just not get a donkey then, are we?

I'm not changing it.

Leave it outside.

I can change my own floor.

Need your permission?

Well, I'm just not, I just don't want a donkey in the house, but really.

We've got bunnies and a cockatiel coming next week.

It's a compromise for a puppy.

Why did you want another puppy?

Well, I do.

Oh, Pete doesn't.

No, not at all.

Well, I'd absolutely want a bunny if I really, but it's better than a dog.

You have to have them in pairs.

And you get a cockatiel?

Cockatiel.

What's a cockatiel?

A bed.

It's a bed.

I'll give you a cockatiel.

I'm going to train it myself.

You're going to have it on your shoulder.

This woman on the beach, you had a little cockatiel and was just so well trained.

It was like getting the change out of the bag and everything for her.

Jack loved it, didn't he?

Yeah.

It went on Jack's shoulder and it was like nibbling his finger.

Would you be like David Blaine?

Uh, no.

David Blaine, right?

When he was up in that thing in London for ages and he came out and he was absolutely exhausted.

You know, when he went in that ice in New York,

he came out and went straight into intensive care.

Like for me, that's not a trick.

You know what I mean?

I could sit in ice and go to intensive care.

If he came out and went, and now I'm fine.

I went, that's the trick.

Like he came out, went straight to intensive care and they went, don't do that again or I'll watch you die.

I went, well, that's not, that's not magic, is it?

No, no.

But obviously he's got great tricks as well.

But I just don't think that's as impressive as it was made out.

So you're going with?

Paul Daniels.

Paul Daniels.

It's not a bad one.

Stephen Mulhern.

Oh my God.

I actually love Stephen Mulhern.

I can't stand them.

Got it?

No.

So David Copperfield.

No, he's creepy.

I once saw David Copperfield.

Why do these magicians always get these hot chicks?

Maybe they magic them there.

I watched David Copperfield in Vegas.

Claudia Schiffer.

I once saw David Copperfield in Vegas, right?

And I just couldn't believe what I was saying.

It was not in a good way.

And he did some great tricks, but at the end, the grand finale was,

he reunited a man from the audience who had not seen his dad who lived in Rio.

And the only kind of like evidence that they gave us was the big screen.

So they went behind the screen.

And on the big screen, David Copperfield, the boy,

and we met up with his dad on the beach.

They ran together.

They hugged.

And the only evidence when they came back was their feet were wet with sand on it, right?

And I went, well, obviously that was black.

And then as we were walking out, I just saw the Americans in tears.

And I was like, we and my mates were going, well, that was like shites, wasn't it?

Obviously, they pre-recorded that.

And they were going, oh my God.

I can't believe it.

He reunited him with his dad.

He hasn't seen him for 30 years in Brazil.

I was going, I could not believe he's got a sandbox in the back.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, what the hell?

Madness.

Before friendly, then, no, don't they?

People.

What about a fictional character?

I don't know.

Ariel?

Ariel?

Barbie.

I watched the Barbie movie today.

Good.

That was amazing.

Happy Margot Robbie.

That's definitely.

Who would you be?

As Barbie?

Would you be Barbie or would you be Margot Robbie?

I'd be Margot Robbie as Barbie.

I'll be Superman.

Superman?

Yeah, I think so.

I wouldn't.

I just think.

Batman, Batman, wait all over Superman.

Batman doesn't even have any superpowers.

Batman?

No.

He's like, he's human.

He's just minty.

He flies, doesn't he?

Like Superman.

Batman.

Batman's eyes, flies, super strength.

Batman, the jaw on him.

Yeah, but you could see through.

You could see through walls.

Why do you want to see through walls?

X-ray vision.

We could fly.

Doesn't look pervy.

Well, I'm not doing it for perverted reasons.

It'd just be handy, wouldn't it?

You could see what's going on.

You know, it'd be supersonic hearing.

You can fly.

Strongest man on the planet.

Unreal.

So I think Superman's a little bit wet for me.

I can see Batman be wet.

You can literally smash him.

That guy of Smallville.

The worst actor so wet.

Yeah, but you're thinking of Clark Kent.

I'd be Peter Crouch.

But by night, I'd be Superman.

I think Batman's the one.

What about if you were in a specific character?

What about a superpower?

Flying's the one, surely.

To heal.

That's a good one.

You or other people?

To heal anything, like animals or people.

Do you think that'll come with a lot of pressure, though?

Like people queuing up your door, like all the way down your door,

like all the way down your street, going,

please heal my father, my mother, my son, my boy.

You'd have a lot of issues.

Okay, I'll be an invisible healer.

No one knew.

No one knew.

It's like a superpower.

And just, you just heal the people that you want to heal.

That would be good.

It's a lovely thing.

But no one's, there's no one.

What are you, I suppose E.T. is a bit like that, isn't it?

You'd say you'd like to be E.T.

What about your superhero name, have you?

Florence Nightingale will be a good one.

Goldie Sullivan.

Do you know, Mike, we were talking about porn names.

Is it porn name or lap dance name?

Yeah, porn name.

So your porn name is the name of your first animal,

and your mother's maiden name.

So mine would be Goldie Sullivan, pizza's Buster Dickens.

Genuinely.

Unbelievable.

Buster Dickens, phenomenal.

Goldie Sullivan.

That's a film, that, isn't it?

Buster Dickens and Goldie Sullivan.

Buster, Buster Dickens.

In the Incredible Gulp.

The Incredible Gulp featuring Goldie Sullivan and Buster Dickens.

But my, I don't know why we were talking about our kid.

I don't know why we were talking about our kid's porn name,

which is slightly weird, but.

What bizarre conversation.

Our Sophia's porn name is Jeff Glancy, which is my dad's name.

Jeffrey Glancy.

How funny is that?

Oh God, let's hope she never gets into it for that reason.

Next on stage is Jeffrey Glancy.

Okay, well listen, if you want to get in touch with your exotic names,

please feel free to email him.

Or get in touch on the socials.

Come on, Gucci boy.

Give me an agony ab.

Right, here we go, agony abs.

Dear Peter and Abby, I asked my husband who he'd like to play us

if we had our own movie.

Pete, I know you got to play yourself, I must say.

It's one of the best films I've seen, no joke.

Thank you very much.

Anyway, I said Pierce Brosnan for him, which I can see.

I wish he looked more like him, but you can see it working.

For me, the little bastard said, Margot Robbie,

I'm two stone overweight.

I have short brown hair and have three kids.

I've taken offense to this because I couldn't look any further from that Barbie bitch.

Wow, I now feel like I'm not my husband's type.

Do you think I go for a full Barbie makeover or put Ken back in his box?

It's incredible.

Margot Robbie though.

What?

The thing about Margot Robbie, like she's got it all.

She's an incredible actress.

She's unbelievably good looking and she looks like she's a laugh

and like a kind person.

Yeah, but I don't think he's going to say, you know, to play,

he's going to say someone nice.

But you have to think of someone who looks remotely like you to play.

Yeah.

Well, who would play me?

Peter O'Toole.

Okay.

London to Minamiya, is that?

Yeah.

Yeah, I can see that.

I've been called it before.

Yeah.

O'Toole.

What a tool.

Pete the tool.

Pete O'Toole.

I don't want to even ask you who I'm going to be because you're just going to make me.

Yeah, I'm going to piss you off.

Let's move away from that.

No, who would you pick?

What would you pick?

Margot Robbie.

Margot Robbie, I'd say.

It's lovely.

Well, yeah, that's close.

I'm too stoned over weight.

I've got four kids.

But like he's obviously pissed her off, right?

Do I need a Barbie makeover?

Yes.

He's pissed her off.

Big time here with this.

But I don't think he's doing it in a nasty way, do you?

He might have been trying to save her feelings, mate.

Maybe he was trying to be complimentary.

Like it doesn't get better than Margot Robbie.

Margot Robbie.

Whatever he says there, do you know what I mean?

Like if he says, you know, someone who is too stoned over weight and an actress,

she'll get pissed off.

Oh, you think I'm fat then?

I know, play you.

Ricky Leigh.

Yeah, you know what I mean?

It's like whatever you say, it's going to piss her off.

If you go too much, it's like, oh.

Okay, so using your theory, who would you choose to play me?

Margot Robbie.

That works.

Julia Roberts.

No, because Julia Roberts, I love blood and blood.

In Pretty Woman.

Yeah, but I'd look nothing like Julia Roberts.

You can't pick someone.

You might just dye her hair blonde.

So are you going into like,

acting ability then?

Or?

The category I could play me.

You know what I mean?

Like close.

It's a silly game.

It's a stupid game.

No one should get angry about it.

It's not a stupid game because there's people who look

identical to people.

Anyway, you should, what I'm saying is...

You're like Kaz, Kim Cattrell would play Kaz

because she's identical to Kim Cattrell.

She's a good ringer for her, yeah.

Yeah, Kim Cattrell when she was young, like...

I want to know who you are.

Do you also want a good actress, don't you?

Yeah, but they're all good.

Charlize Theron.

Oh, yeah.

She could play you.

In Monster.

I've been called that before.

Yeah, yeah.

No, it's this...

Charlize Theron.

You look like a film star, so it's easy.

Charlize Theron, yeah.

I could work with that.

Yeah, interesting.

I think I'll be easy on him.

It is only a game.

It's a dangerous game.

All right, let's move on.

Dear Pete and Abby, I've just been dumped for the past few years.

I've been trapped in a Magnolia relationship.

What's that?

I mean...

What's that?

Absolutely no idea.

Beige.

Vanilla.

Vanilla, yeah.

I was at a kind of boring relationship.

I'm in desperate need to blow away the cobwebs.

Here we go.

I've never really been the sexually adventurous type,

but I'm now 32 and I feel it's now or never.

I know I might not...

I might come across as a bit promiscuous,

but really I'm not.

I've only slept with four people

and I've been in long-term relationships with them all.

I need an opening line for my dating bio

that says I'm a lady in the streets,

but a freaking sheet if you teach me what to do.

But catch ya.

Fern, 32 from Manchester.

So she needs a link for a bio on at what?

I don't know if she's on Tinder or something like that.

She's like, she wants to say lady in the street

but a freaking bed.

Like you've had previously in national newspapers.

Yeah.

Quote from this podcast.

Wow.

That's awful.

That's incredible.

That's awful.

You are a lady in the street but a freaking bed, aren't you?

Sleep in the bed, she said.

Sleep in the bed.

Flirty and nice with plenty of spice.

That's actually quite good.

It's not bad, is it?

No, no.

Off the cuff.

What about something like, give me your recipe

and I'll slap you up the best meal or something like that in the bed.

Fish pie.

But better.

You know, because she said she needs instructions.

Too many cocks, don't spoil the broth.

Who the hell are you today?

Why doesn't she just write it like fun seeker,

seeking fellow fun seeker, let's learn together.

Let's climb these mountains together.

Nice.

But I think she, I mean she's talking,

she wants to be sexually adventurous here.

You know?

Solid as a rock, love plenty of cocks.

Well, what do you kids say?

What do you put on your one, Ross?

I don't have one.

I don't have one on my own organically.

Yeah, you must have had one in Nepal.

What was it?

What did you also?

I have not.

I have not.

I've got no one lying for a while.

Bilingual in life and the bedroom.

I actually, I actually put that I think out there.

Bilingual.

I'm a cunnilinguist.

Yeah.

Cunnilinguist.

Cunninglinguist.

Oh my god.

I don't know what I put on my profile.

What was it?

It's got to say fun, but I'm not fun.

Fun.

I'm actually boring.

Yeah, like boring and I'm asleep by nine.

I think I'll brush in the past.

Bob in a bit, bro.

In the past.

Sleep by nine because I'm exhausted, Pete.

Being freaky's got me in this mess.

It's not like that.

Yeah.

No, I'm just shattered.

I'm more of a morning person than a night person.

Just be up at early bed, catches the worm.

Or maggot, for that matter.

Yeah, it's correct.

That is correct.

We've got loads there.

Pick one of those.

Good luck with it, Fern.

I think Fern should just get out there.

Be yourself.

Yeah, let's be honest.

It's not about catchy lines as it's about just being yourself.

Getting yourself out there, picking the right guy and going for it.

Sounds so simple.

Hi, Abby and Pete.

First day I love the pod.

I can't wait for Tuesdays to roll around

so I can laugh my way to work, listening to it.

My agony ab is about my beloved husband who I married this year.

His concentration and his tension span amounts to absolutely zero.

He'll put things down, then not put them away.

He'll forget things from the shop.

But my biggest gripe is how much he zones out when he's on his phone.

There have been countless times when I've had full conversations with him

and I've not heard a single word back.

The most recent is when I reeled off a shopping list for things

for him to pick up and he responded,

yeah, I'll, yeah, I'll warn the dog in a bit.

He's obsessed with scrolling through Twitter and Instagram reels

and watching football and cricket highlights.

Now the ashes are on, I'm essentially single.

How the hell do I stop and enter in this other universe?

He goes into the minute he gets his phone out.

It's like a child with their favourite toy, help me.

I think he says this is in a lot of relationships, this one.

I know.

You know what I mean?

It's like this phone problem.

It's awful, I hate it, do you?

It's just you get in a monotonous kind of scrolling situation

and I do think it's becoming a problem with a lot of relationships.

And you know, we're guilty of it ourselves sometimes,

but you know, trying to like be present,

like we went to a restaurant the other day and they had no Wi-Fi

and it said leave you, no, it says,

There was a picture on the wall.

It said, no Wi-Fi, leave your phones at the door or something like that.

And I thought, what a great concept.

He actually said, he said, we have no Wi-Fi,

you're going to have to talk to each other.

I thought it was a good shout.

Yeah, I do, because I think it's, you know,

something we struggle with in our houses,

like especially with the kids.

Like on the iPads and stuff, it's awful.

When we were little, we'd like play cards,

like play Snap or Uno and, you know,

the kids are just like that on the phone, aren't they?

The kids, like you talk to the parents and you find things out

and that's what going for dinner's about, isn't it?

And remember, we had lunch that time,

we saw those four kind of young girls

and they did say one word to each other, the whole meal.

And then they got up and left, just looked at the phones all day.

It's going to damage how people behave socially, I think,

especially all the kids who are on the iPads all the time.

Like it's not a good thing.

There's a time and a place, like there is times where you, like,

just, you need you to sit there and just watch something.

And, you know, because you've got to do something else,

you know, that has helped in that regard,

but, you know, you can't be doing it kind of all day.

And I do get it with relationships, it's a killer.

Sorry.

Yeah, you know.

Boring you there now, are we?

No.

You're going to get your phone out.

I'm just, you are a bit guilty of it.

We all are, we all are.

I don't want to be.

So, yeah, I think it's a difficult one.

And I know that kind of men do those out

when they're on the phone, you know, like,

if you say something to me, like, oh, can you,

if you read the shopping list to me

and I didn't look up for my phone,

there's no way I'm getting that right.

No.

When I go to the shops.

Men's zone out in general to women's voices, I think.

What was that?

Pardon.

I think you have to.

There's so much, so much dialogue during the day.

You can't, you can't listen to it all.

I've only got so much space up there.

The dialogue is so relentless.

Why didn't you just go with a quiet girl then?

Well, why didn't you go with a girl who doesn't talk?

Well, no, it's not about not talking.

It's just, it's kind of the relentless talking.

Yeah, exactly.

So why don't you just go with someone who's quiet?

Just someone who's probably more, maybe, you know,

it's not as prolific.

Stingy with the words.

You enjoy today's pod?

Yeah.

It's quite a different kind of feel, isn't it?

I feel like I've been sorry for people.

You know, it's funny, like, you know,

looking at all these lives people have had,

Henry VIII, Madonna, David Attenborough,

Michael Jordan.

They've all had incredible lives,

but I genuinely don't think, you know,

if it actually came down to it,

if someone stood in front of me now and said,

you could actually swap with XYZ.

I don't think I'd do it.

I wouldn't swap.

And also, I think...

Obviously, I'd love to look like Margot Robbie.

I'm so happy.

You're not doing too bad yourself.

I'm happy in my...

What?

You're saying you want to look like Margot Robbie.

You look pretty okay.

Pretty okay?

That's what I'm saying.

It's like, you'd look stunning.

You're not Margot Robbie, but you're all right.

No, what I'm saying is you're absolutely beautiful.

Like, people would give...

I reckon 99% of the world would give their left arm

to look like you.

Yeah, but that's not what I'm saying.

I'm saying I feel very lucky with my life.

I've got the man of my dreams who I absolutely love,

and I've got my four beautiful kids,

my dog, my cats.

Yeah, and also, I think when we...

You know, our life is enjoyable, right?

And we're incredibly happy.

Life is good.

And we are happy to say that.

If you said, are you actually genuinely

like to swap with someone,

it feels like you're being greedy.

Like, we've had it...

We've got a lovely life,

and we're very blessed and fortunate to have that life.

But I'm not even talking about, like, material things.

No, neither am I.

I'm talking about...

When we were in lockdown,

and if you had 20 houses all over the world,

or a private jet or a yacht,

you couldn't use any of them.

It's about your core group who you are.

And I actually loved it,

and thought, you know, I could live like this forever.

Yeah, and that's the thing...

You felt the same?

Yeah, yeah, you know, our family, our kids,

like, we are very blessed,

and, you know, I enjoy coming home,

which is, you know, not everyone feels the same way.

No?

Yeah.

No.

All right, well, that's another therapy class done.

I want you to leave us comments on our socials,

if you don't mind, because I love reading them.

They make me laugh so much.

You can leave comments on YouTube,

reviews on Apple Podcasts,

which is, you know, great reading them, isn't it?

Yeah, they're nice ones.

They're nice.

They're all nice.

Cheers, guys.

Machine-generated transcript that may contain inaccuracies.