The Therapy Crouch: Father's Day

Can I have a large Big Mac meal and a large Coke?

He's got his car keys and his golf clubs.

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick, especially because his name's Steve.

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Crouch with me, Abby Clancy.

And me, Pete Crouch. We're better now this week, aren't we?

Bit hairy last week at times.

I think the past two episodes, because we recorded the episodes in the same week

where I was still pissed off with Pete, it was obvious.

It was obvious to our listeners, but we did say when we started this

that we weren't going to self-edit, we were going to be as genuine as possible, be real.

And I was fucking pissed off with you that week.

So you let me know and our listeners know.

But we're back.

We're back. Back stronger.

Back stronger. We're back stronger and we've had an amazing week.

And, you know, one of our listeners has actually come up with a really good idea

because, you know, sometimes these weekly wines can be a bit provocative and antagonistic.

And, you know, I actually have to dig really deep to find something that annoys me about Pete

and then it kind of sparks off this argument.

So a few of our listeners have come up with this genius idea of backing up the weekly wine

with something positive and something that we actually love about each other.

Right. OK.

I think that's a good one.

And I think it will work well for everyone at home because, you know, when you do bring up something,

it can, you know, spiral.

But then you've got you're saying you've got counteract that with something that we really loved about you this week.

Yeah.

That's good.

Weekly wine and like what can we think of where that rhymes with wine that is positive?

Fine.

Weekly fine.

Weekly wine, weekly wine, we're all fine.

That's a weekly fine.

Because it's Father's Day this week, I am going to, you're going to be exempt.

Exempt.

Oh, that's nice.

Weekly wine.

Do you know what?

That's actually the best present I could get on Father's Day.

You're not going to start on me at the start of the pod.

I've got one, though, and I'm allowed to say it because it's Father's Day.

Just last week, obviously looking back at the episode last week, I just got out of the shower.

No one told me that I had a flat head.

No one told you that.

You look like Clive Anderson.

Clive Anderson, I've got you.

Who's line is it anyway?

Is he in Clive Anderson, right?

You remember him?

I'm sure he's had what I've got news for you.

No, he was in Lou Who's line.

Is it anyway?

We've noted them both.

But I didn't look like Clive Anderson.

Your hairline was phenomenal on last week's episode.

But I had wet hair, just got out of the shower.

I had a shower as well before, but I thought I'm not going to get...

I just had to just check in the mirror there.

It's not...

What do you think, though?

You're getting the...

Who's that person who, like, rubs in his foot with his comb?

All those strands over the bald patch.

It's just not happening to me.

I've got a full head of hair.

At the back?

At the back, you have.

Full head of hair, you nutcakes.

Right at the front.

Let me see.

Yeah, but you just drag it all back right at him.

Let me see.

I'm not Clive Anderson.

Jon's got a picture of Clive there.

Babe.

Can't say I look like Clive.

Your hair line is exactly the same as Clive's.

That's harsh.

Father's Day is ruined.

The thing is, your hair is absolutely gorgeous, the colour.

You've got the dream blondes that I could only wish for.

It's got that natural wave.

It's beautiful.

But...

There's no way that was going to end there.

But I don't want a Vin Diesel or a Clive Anderson.

No.

I like a head of hair on my wet man.

Wet man.

As you know.

I like hair.

Hair's like hot.

Get him a wig.

Your hair is hot.

You've got a nice little wig.

Dude, what's going on?

I've gone.

Do you know what I mean?

I'm finished now.

But I'm just thinking...

I'm like, I look off full head.

I've got a lovely head of hair.

I've got a lovely bar on it.

At the back, you have.

It's just, it's going there.

Where is it going, though?

It's not going anywhere.

Well, you know it is because...

It's definitely not...

I checked your hair in the mirror before we started the podcast.

Well, it's only because you called me Clive Anderson the week before.

Maybe you should flip the pass.

Or get a middle pass.

Or get a middle pass.

I love them with a middle pass.

Curtains.

Well, we'll see.

But then you've got the bald peak sticking out the side and just a fringe.

It's not bald.

I don't know what you're going on about.

It's not bald.

It's just receding.

It's not receding.

I'm not receding.

You know what?

If I, if I am, listen, I'll take it on board.

But I don't think I am yet.

I've got time.

What I'm saying is I've got time on my side here.

Five to ten years.

Yeah, but I don't want to be looking at you receding for the next five years.

You're talking to your son about it.

You've got, you've got six weeks off in the summer.

Get a flight to Turkey.

She don't really say, you know, get married.

You don't grow old.

Have a partner for life and love you through thick and thin.

I don't want to be looking at a man going bald.

Thick and thin.

Not thick and thinning.

Thick and thinning.

Thick and thinning.

Thin and thickning.

Thick and thinning.

Yeah.

Thick and thinning.

Thick and thinning, yeah.

But, you know, bizarrely talking about receding, I went to a hair specialist because, you

know, my hair's been falling out a lot.

Yeah, because you're receding, yeah.

I am receding.

She did, she put like a microscope on my scalp and it was the most repulsive thing I've ever

seen in my life.

The bacteria.

No, not bacteria.

No.

No bacteria at all.

Nits and stuff.

No, not nits either.

It was just to see how juicy like your hair follicles are and stuff.

How juicy are you?

Yeah.

You're juicy.

Not that juicy.

No, you're not.

Not that juicy.

So I had to have a series of blood tests and then I was, so she took my blood and I wasn't

prepared for it to then spin the blood, get the plasma out of it and then inject it into

my scalp.

You wasn't.

What?

I wasn't prepared for that.

Well, I don't think anyone would be prepared for that.

No.

Injecting follicles back into your scalp.

No, injecting my own plasma, my health, which she said I had very good plasma.

So you drag plasma out of your scalp.

No, so you do take your blood.

Oh, from the blood.

Then they spin or do whatever they do to the blood and it separates to like blood and

plasma and mine was like a third blood, the rest plasma, which is like a kind of yellowy

liquid.

I don't like plasma.

I see it on ghostbusters.

It goes everywhere.

No, that's fucking slimer, isn't it?

Plasma.

Yeah, plasma.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When the green thing, when the green thing splats on the walls, plasma everywhere.

I've never seen ghostbusters in my life.

So that's it.

You've not seen ghostbusters?

No.

Yeah, I haven't lived.

Who are you?

Why would I watch ghostbusters?

It was our show on favorite film.

Well, like when you were a kid.

His favorite film was Big Trouble in Little China.

Again, another fantastic film.

Yeah.

So anyway, so then they inject the plasma into your scalp, but she said I was receding.

And then when she looked at my blood tests, I was extremely low in ferritin.

All right.

Which is a...

Yeah, small fairy animal.

Iron.

Small fairy animal.

Super fairy animal.

It's no beaver.

So she's, so I'm taking this ferritin and apparently like if the doctor looks at your

blood results and you've got normal eye and they don't take into consideration this level

of ferritin.

So your ferritin should be like 100 and over 100 and mine was 20.

So she said my hair is going to always be in like the phase of like shedding and you

know, not growing and reproducing whatever because my ferritin was so low.

So I'm on like a course of these ferritin tablets.

So we'll see.

We'll see.

Watch this space.

Who's hair...

Who's layer hairline's better anyway?

So we've had a week full of celebrations.

We had Jack's party, which is incredible and obviously Father's Day.

Yeah, we obviously would get on to Father's Day in his pod.

But I thought the party was excellent.

And I'll have to say your planning was first class.

And I know we're flipping this kind of pod on its head this week, aren't we?

Like last week we wanted to kill each other and this week it's like all...

It's all love.

But that's real life.

I genuinely want to say that the organisation of that party was phenomenal.

It felt like a festival.

Thank you.

I work so hard.

That's my fucking receding there.

I can do all the stress of parties.

No, but I am, you know, talking about, you know, last week we wanted to kill each other

or whatever, that's real life, you know, and that can bring us on to nicely to one of

our audience wines.

It's like every, like even when you love each other, there are ups and downs in relationships

and, you know, we're through it.

We love each other.

And here we are on a more upbeat episode this week, but yet the party was amazing.

It was actually emotional at times, like my son, our little Jack is obsessive transformers.

So I found this company on Instagram and they had an absolute mare getting here.

So the night before they were supposed to come down, stay in a hotel nearby and the

van broke down on the motorway.

So they were on the motor, the van didn't get recovered till 3 a.m.

And then they had to leave Liverpool at 6 a.m. to get here for 12.

So God, I felt so sorry for them, but it was the most incredible experience.

This is Jack's very first birthday party because we were locked down for two and then

the last one got cancelled because of the weather.

So I just wanted to make it as special as possible.

Yeah, I know it was.

And there were no transformers.

When you said transformers, we're coming off like, oh great, you know, like a fella

in a suit.

Yeah.

But they were transformers.

Like they were, they were, you know, 10 foot.

No taller than that.

Like unbelievable.

Like 12 foot high.

Yeah.

Like massive kind of like metal transformers.

It was so funny though because they were like dancing for the kids and you could just

tell they were scouts on the dance moves, like proper scouts dance moves and they would

say things to me.

What was he saying?

Yeah, I was, I was, I'm standing there and I'm having, I was having a picture with them

and I could hear it, but he's saying it in a transformer voice.

Yeah.

He's going, not so big now, crouchy lad, I am.

He's going, do you want to go get a box of sand on there lad?

But what?

I was crying when they come through the gate because he brought this huge speaker and it

was like, and these transformers come walking through the gates, like higher than the gates

and the kids were just like, oh my God.

The game of mesmerize, weren't they, the kids and I've got a video of Jack because his face

when Bumblebee came in was like,

Because they were real transformers.

Yeah.

So I'm filming, I'm filming Jack's face while they're coming through.

So and then he's going, Bumblebee, right?

And he was waving, he was loving it.

And then like the bad one comes through.

Megatron?

Megatron or something, right?

Megatron come through and Jack just went, oh, the bad guy is here.

You don't believe it.

Blue is mine.

But it was so nice to see him with all his friends.

We had bouncy castles.

We had, you know, these entertainers, Sharky and George, are loyal and the best, are loyal

friends and the best pizzas on the planet, slow-dough pizzas.

And we sampled the steak pizza this.

It's like a festival, like Ab goes to town, right?

I've got like, all of a sudden I'm seeing things getting delivered and I'm going like,

what is going on?

Bubblegum balloons.

Carnage.

It was just mega.

And we had our friends come down from Liverpool and we haven't seen.

And you know, I'm going to put it out there to our audience, see how they feel about that.

You know, when people come to your house with a load of kids and you're like, oh God.

It's going to be a nightmare.

You know, we've got four of our own, they're enough to handle and they're like, bringing

other kids into the mix and you don't know how they're all going to get our, God, angels,

weren't they?

Oh, really good.

The little buddy and Zach, angels.

The kids just add the best time.

And then into Father's Day, you know.

Just rolled in, didn't we?

Yeah.

Only some ways we forgot about it.

What?

Are you joking?

I got you a fucking...

I was running around like a blue-ass fly on that day.

All over the place.

Oh, should we rewind to Mother's Day when you were watching Match of the Day all day?

Well, yeah.

Well, I was hoovering up and making you a full English.

Do you remember that?

Yeah, but this is the Father's Day episode.

Father's Day.

We got up, you had your presents, all the kids had made your cards, had bought cards.

Then I got you a cake.

My friends, this amazing cake maker, made you this incredible blue cake.

Best father.

Best number one dad.

Yeah, really.

It was great.

I didn't get any of it.

But we looked nice.

Why did you not have any?

Well, I think everyone else had it.

Then it made you a roast.

Fucking life of Riley.

Me?

Life of Riley?

I should have been out playing golf.

I was running around, going in the butchers, picking kids.

You didn't go the butchers on Father's Day.

Did?

It's closed on a Sunday.

You went on Saturday.

Oh, God.

And we had, you know, got your all new tops.

Yeah, yeah.

Got one on now.

Actually, very similar to the ones I wear on a daily basis.

You've got like a staple wardrobe of like nine of each top.

I've got, yeah.

I'm Simon Cowell.

Navy black.

Navy black.

Navy black.

Navy black.

Navy black, gray, white.

There's a saying though, baby.

You know what I mean?

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

You don't say about that about hairlines.

Well, you know what?

They don't.

They say if it's receding, you go to Turkey.

That's what I say.

The oldest saying in the book.

I only see, I only see like bad things happen in Turkey.

It's like always on them.

Like the news, isn't it?

Like woman dies from butting plants and stuff like that.

Like it's never.

Where'd you go then?

Batting plants in Brazil, aren't they?

You go for them?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Well, I need them.

That's why.

You could go to Harley Street.

You could do, I suppose.

But what I'm saying is probably cheaper, isn't it?

Definitely.

To get it done where?

In Turkey, then it is on Harley Street or wherever.

I'll find you one, babe.

Don't worry.

Next week's episode when Pete's got a full bandage around his head.

We all know he's been to Harley Street.

I'm going to put the ferritin first.

But you can't just take ferritin because you might not be low in it.

Well, I could just load up on the ferritin.

No, because if you've got normal levels of ferritin

or even high levels of ferritin, it would be dangerous.

So viewers, disclaimer, don't be going up.

If you're a receding listener, just don't go out and buy ferritin.

You need to check with your doctor first.

Well, you know, since father's day, right,

I get like the dad joke thing, right?

Okay.

This is a weird thing.

I suppose you have to say PC jokes, don't you?

That's why.

PC?

Yeah, they're politically correct.

You can't be going around when you've got kids.

Oh, sorry.

What?

No, I thought dad jokes were just like...

They're called dad jokes because they're just generally of it's shit.

Well, yeah.

I didn't think they were PC for the kids' benefit.

Well, no, not like that.

There's not worse than a safe joke.

That's what exactly, but you can't say that.

If you're a dad, you can't...

You need a bit of filth in there, did you say?

You do, really, don't you?

Yeah, but you don't tell kids jokes on Father's Day.

No, but there's a saying, dad's jokes, isn't there?

Or just go with it because there's some belters.

Which means dad's jokes is not jokes for kids.

Dad's jokes are...

It's like dad dancing, or...

We're not fucking analysing dad jokes.

Dad jokes are just dad jokes.

They're not very funny.

Men think they're funny, but they're just not.

Men are funny than women.

That's the fact of life.

That's hard, fuck.

That's not...

It's always been...

Fuck a Joe brand.

Since the start of time.

Look at Joe brand.

Name five funny men.

Michael Flanagan, Peter Kay.

Peter Kay, Frankie Boyle.

Frankie Boyle.

And me.

No, come on, mate.

Men are funny than women.

There's really good female comedians.

To be honest, I actually don't love a female comedian.

I think they are good.

I only like Joe French and Saunders.

That's it.

And I like Sue Perkins.

Sue Perkins.

She's funny.

She's funny as hell.

Anyway, this is...

Can you let me read this?

Sorry, go, go, go.

Dad buys fake Christmas tree.

Cashier asks him if he put it up himself.

Dad replies, don't be disgusting.

I'm going to put it up in the living room.

So that's got an element of filth about it.

That's a good one.

How do you tell the difference in a frog and a horny toad?

A frog says ribbit, ribbit, and a horny toad says rubbit, rubbit.

That's not as good.

Have you sex in an elevator?

Oh, these are the kids.

These are the jokes you want to tell to kids?

No, a lot.

Is that right, Pete?

What is the definition of a dad joke, then?

A dad joke is a shit joke.

That's so shit.

These aren't shit.

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

What's shit about that?

Absolutely epic.

Unbelievable, gang.

Go on, then. Do you want to read one?

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick,

especially because his name's Steve.

Did you hear about the guy that dipped his testicles in glitter?

Pretty nuts.

My wife is furious at our next-door neighbour,

who's somebody's topless in her backyard.

Personally, I'm on the fence.

That's good.

When two people have sex, it's a two-some.

When three people have sex, it's a three-some.

Now I know why people call you handsome.

I don't get it.

Oh, like, hand job.

Yeah, well, no one's sleeping with him, so he's handsome.

Fantastic.

Do you three love that joke?

Fantastic, yeah.

A sperm donor, a carpenter,

and Julius Caesar walking to a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

Oh, crap.

Bit of shit at that.

Ladies, if you can't appreciate your fruit jokes,

then you need to let that man go.

Oh, my God.

My wife just gave birth today.

After thanking the doctor, I asked him sheepishly,

how soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?

He winked at me and said, I'm off duty in 10 minutes.

Meet me in the car.

Oh, my God.

We just found out grandpa is now addicted to Viagra.

Nobody is taking it harder than grandma.

I just say these aren't dad jokes.

These are like porn jokes.

These are like porn jokes.

That's very disgusting.

No one's taking it harder than grandma.

No way.

That's outrageous.

Wow.

My girlfriend said she was off to get a colonic.

Turns out she was full of shit.

Filter.

Wife to husband of 20 years.

Am I really the only one you've ever been with?

Husband to wife.

Absolutely.

Before you, they were all 9s and 10s.

That's terrible.

You're the only one.

This is funny.

I asked my wife,

so do you think the cover's half full or half empty?

And you know what she said?

Please, for the love of God, can you stop wearing my bra?

What do you call a horny cow?

Beef jerky?

Oh, no.

You go next.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death

in his guitar collection.

The judge says first offender.

No, she says,

she says no first to Gibson then offender.

For all you music lovers out there.

What, a few musos?

What did the nose tell the finger?

What?

Stop picking on me.

Oh, no.

I asked my dog,

what's 2 minus 2?

He said nothing.

I was thinking, what clever dog.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

I like that one.

Did you use the leapfrog method?

It's amazing.

I like that one.

This is a good one.

I've actually told this one.

Come on.

You've told this.

You've said this joke.

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag's a bit plus.

Ugh.

Funny.

Great banter.

Wow.

Do you know what?

Absolute bants.

There's nothing better.

There's nothing better than laughing.

You know, me and Chloe were saying that on the weekend,

we all, we sat together and got all the kids to bed,

sat together in the garden,

had a couple of drinks

and we laughed all night.

And we were like, God, it's actually a tonic laughing.

I don't, I don't think,

I mean, we laugh a lot.

Yeah.

I'd say.

I'd say we sit together.

Yeah, like, I think it is, it's definitely,

it's definitely a great thing to do.

I was laughing.

I was laughing on Sunday in the car.

And Pete was driving.

Pete was driving the car.

And I was like doing like,

like online food shopping,

like not listening.

And he was full blast singing every verse to

50 Cent.

What's the song?

Candy Shop.

Candy Shop.

I didn't even know every verse,

every word of every verse.

And I was just, I didn't,

I was really surprised myself.

Like, because I was in my own zone,

like I was on the phone.

I was driving.

So I was just,

I felt like I was on my own.

So I was like, Candy Shop.

No, not everyone knows Candy Shop.

But no one knows.

Then I was going back into the verses.

And then she went,

she just looked at me and then let me carry on for ages.

I turned around and she was just going,

she was looking at me.

And I was like, oh fuck.

I was like this.

He was like, you want an info?

No, no, no, info.

And I was like, oh,

I couldn't breathe.

And then you were so embarrassed.

Like you were laughing.

I didn't realize I knew the lyrics.

You must have like bought that.

That wasn't the single or something.

No idea.

I knew.

I reckon that song's been played on the radio,

like 10 times.

It's quite vulgar though, the lyrics.

And like on a pizza or bunk pizza.

Didn't know where I was there.

Fucking hell.

Did you lose your virginity to that song?

Ah, listen.

Take you to the candy shop.

Becky Lidlali.

No, thanks.

Whoa.

Oh God.

I'm embarrassed.

I know all that song.

Right, Father's Day.

Talk us through it.

Is it as big as Mother's Day?

That's the question on everyone's lips.

I don't think men are that arsed about it.

Agreed.

Because the thing is, for a mother, Mother's Day,

that you want to be like with your family,

you want to get weighted on hand and foot

and feel appreciated.

And for a dad, a dad would rather be

away from the reason he's a father.

I.e. golf course or pub watching the match.

And you know, preferably come home when they're all in bed.

So, you know, Mother's Day is a celebration of being a mother.

Family.

And family.

I think fathers want to escape that to celebrate theirs.

If every man, any man on earth could choose

however you'd want to spend the Father's Day,

I doubt it would be with their family.

Oh, fucking hell.

Do you think that's a fair assessment, Pete?

Sounds so harsh when you say it out loud.

But it's true.

It's something we discuss, you know,

without our family being present, you know?

No, listen, I think Mother's Day...

All day, you were like, I should be playing golf.

Every time I said, Bear, can you take that bin out?

I should be playing golf.

I think, like, a happy medium's there somewhere.

I think if you play golf in the morning...

Home for a roast.

I'd known home for a roast with the family.

I think that's the ideal Father's Day.

To be fair, I did tell you to do that,

but we had guests, didn't we? We had visitors.

No, I knew it wasn't an option,

but I think that would be my ideal Father's Day, I think.

I would say that.

I'd go and play golf, probably come out,

and then we'd have a lovely family dinner for Father's Day

and celebrate it.

But also, Mother's Day is big up,

because this has not been, you know,

I'm not crawling back now,

but I do really think that, you know,

mums do a lot more, right?

So we probably...

Sorry?

No, I'm going to agree with that.

I think the celebration...

I remember, you know, my mum, we celebrate my mum,

you know, because she did a lot for us,

and then you, for our kids and me,

you make the house a home.

You are, you know,

the lives wouldn't function without the mother in it.

The life without the father in it probably could easier.

So...

Don't we know it?

So I think Father's Day is one of those days

where you just, like, it's like a bit of a joke.

We've had Mum's Mother's Day, we'd better do one for them.

It's one of them, and it's sort of that.

It's not as big as Mother's Day, is it?

No, you do have a little bit of an issue

with how many days females get.

Too many days, far too many.

Far too many days.

Well, it's like Valentine's Day is for the lady, right?

Why is it not for me?

Why did not surprise me?

I do, babe.

I dressed up as just a bell one last year.

Oh, thank you.

I enjoyed it very much as well.

But the days are too many.

The anniversaries are mainly for the ladies.

What's the day today?

You see, I remember, because I know,

and I've got stuff planned for you.

I don't have a watch.

Is that your excuse?

Yeah.

My watch hasn't got a day on it.

Oh, let me see.

What?

It has.

It hasn't got a day on it, no?

Shit watch, that doesn't fit you.

Yeah, it wobbles about.

Will you stop complaining about whatever that was, by the way?

So you've planned something for me?

No, what I'm saying is there's a lot of days.

There's no way you could have gone to Jessica McCormack.

You've been working every day.

There's no way I'm going there ever again.

It's far too expensive.

It's top quality, I'll give you that.

What's this in prep for your anniversaries, I suppose?

When is that?

It's on the...

Do you say the 29th or the 30th?

What are you going with?

I say 29th, yeah.

Okay.

29th of June.

Oh, okay.

Because we got married together on our own,

on the 29th to make it official.

Mm-hmm.

And then we did that.

30th was the big colour celebration.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was a nice way of doing it, really,

because it was quite intimate on the 29th for them.

Although I didn't have a dress.

I forgot the...

I forgot to get a dress for the actual official wedding.

Yeah.

So I had to wear my nighttime dress from...

You're 90?

Not me, 90.

So I had my...

Please, dress and girls.

Yeah.

I obviously had my wedding dress,

and then I got changed into the night,

into this long-sleeve, lace mini.

Back was absolutely amazing,

so 70s, absolutely gorgeous.

Bo-ho-sheet kind of.

It wasn't Bo-ho.

It wasn't a hippie.

I like God.

So I had to wear that for like...

You were there, John, in the room.

You wasn't?

Oh, no, you were there.

You were in your school prom.

But you know what?

Like, what's happening here is like,

you're actually taking my Father's Day podcast away from me,

as well, you know what I mean?

It's like, how many days do you want?

You want this...

The Father's Day podcast is getting like...

We've got his anniversaries, weddings again.

Your dress on the Friday.

God, now you're saying that.

It's incredible, isn't it?

It is.

Just like...

Can I have like one day, please?

You are such an up...

You know, so...

I've got...

So you think anniversaries are female.

What about Christmas?

Kids.

What about pre-kids?

No, I think Christmas is a bit...

Joy.

You get so much of Christmas.

No, Christmas is great.

I enjoy Christmas.

I think that's it.

But like, what I'm saying is that the anniversary birthdays...

Trying to suck something like that on Christelle.

Valentine's Day.

Well, it's the only time I get undies.

New boxies.

Pico, try them on.

Does everyone do that at Christmas?

Like, if you get...

Try stuff on.

Like, a pair of slippers or socks.

Like, you have to try them on.

Show everyone.

So funny.

Like, when you do that, isn't it?

Like, the slippers and all that, you just put them on and go...

Oh, they're so comfy.

Perfect.

You look really comfortable.

Like, you have to, like...

Yes.

Wear them in, like...

It's just like different...

It's really stretchy.

Kind of like nice material.

Oh, I feel how warm cozy that is.

It's all the same coats, isn't it?

Oh, these socks.

Oh.

So nice.

They're like walking on air.

This is so much softer than last year's socks.

Look at this belt.

Ah, you know me.

You've got it spot on.

It fits.

Fits.

How did you know?

Oh, I love this guy's book.

How did you know?

Yeah, well, we did do that until the Christmas that I got...

Yeah, so apart from the only person that doesn't happen to is me.

You just go, that is awful.

You don't even know me.

That is the worst present I've ever had.

I only did that once and I was pregnant and hormonal.

You've done it every time.

You've done it every year.

Baby bag.

Baby bag.

This Christmas is amazing.

You did so well this year.

I did well this year.

That's why.

But you're not shy in saying, like...

But the whole family goes round.

Like, you know, when everyone's opening at different times,

they're all in their little groups and pockets.

And then you open the one from me and everyone goes...

And the room's like pin drop.

But don't you think you...

You know, if the whole family are onto you and your ship presents,

everything you should change...

Yeah, but that's what I'm saying.

If there are ship presents, no one would react like that apart from you.

You're just so honest.

You'd just be like, that is disgusting.

No, to be fair, I try and keep it in, but I can't.

I can't as the day goes on.

It's like, do you like it?

I'm like, yeah.

And then I'm like...

But what were you thinking?

I'm not really sure.

Like, is that colour, is it me?

And then it'll start with that.

Like a little bit nice, little sort of...

Oh, it's nice, but then I'll be like...

Can't let it go, Kenya.

And then it'll make really angling.

What possessed you to buy that?

So true that.

It's the way it's staggered through the day.

I can't.

I couldn't tell it first.

I'm so glad I got that right.

And then progressively through the day.

I've got, like, complaining to rats.

Yeah.

It's like you can't let it go, Kenya.

Can't let it go until I've said,

I fucking hate this.

Literally.

But stop picking up on my negative qualities.

No, well, listen, you've got plenty of great qualities,

but, you know...

I don't know.

What about Father's Day gifts then?

Yeah, well, you know what?

It's like, I don't think it's really like...

I can't remember any really gifts

that I've received or given to one of that.

But you know what?

You know what?

Well, they do it at school.

The kids do it at school.

I've got a really nice thing.

They do lovely things at school, don't they?

I went on to Father's Day breakfasts, didn't I?

They are lovely.

They all sit there and they see...

Although, you know, you called me by mistake on that,

and I just heard you, like, chatting to a female

the whole time.

Who was that?

Mrs Flanagan.

Who's Mrs Flanagan?

Head of reception.

Make his vote.

I don't know.

I don't know.

He's the hot teacher, isn't he?

This is Big Tits.

Peter.

It was one mum there, you know,

because if the dad can't make it, it's quite...

You know, it's not nice, is it, for the kid, I suppose.

So, it's really nice.

And you know what?

Like, Jack, obviously, he's only four.

He's in nursery.

They all line up and they sing this song about...

I've got the whole world in his hand.

It's the tune of that.

It's so fun.

It's like, he's got his car keys and his golf clubs.

It is hand.

So, it was great.

He's got crisps and a beer.

It is hand.

He's got crisps and a beer.

He's the best dad in the world.

It was a lovely song.

It was so nice.

That's what it's about, isn't it?

Yes.

It's about little things like that.

And then he made me a little, like,

handprint on kind of plaster scene.

And a little picture of him and, like,

wrote, like, Jack's 2023.

You don't have those things forever, won't you?

That's what Father's Day is about, isn't it?

Have you still got the ones at the major last year?

Yeah.

During my Father's Day draw.

Along with anniversaries and Valentine's cards.

I keep all my cards in it.

I keep all my cards in it.

I've got a lot of stuff.

Where?

Valentine's stuff.

In my drawer of things.

You haven't?

I've got loads of stuff.

I know.

What's in every single drawer in this house?

I've got loads.

I haven't seen one sentimental memory box.

I've got loads.

I've got loads.

Because I remember in your bag,

you used to have, like, a picture of me

and, like, that little thing that I got you.

I've got that little, like, lucky.

It's got a little chunk out of it now,

but I've still got that.

You haven't because it's not in your bag?

I have.

I just remember I've got a new bag.

You took it out and put it somewhere.

It is somewhere.

I've got a little picture of you.

I've got all little cards that the kids have made.

They are still in my bag.

I've got some.

At the Father's Day breakfast, Peter,

do you have to sit around those, like,

little year five tables and chairs?

Yeah, they're actually, yeah.

I'd like to see you in one of them.

There was a lot of people laughing at me,

but I got in there quite comfortably.

I was on the little chair.

Have you ever been to a toilet in a nursery?

It's the most bizarre thing.

You're literally sitting on the floor,

going over a weight.

Like, the toilet is so tiny.

Well, I don't sit there and have a dump in there.

And the little doors are so low.

Like, you're literally sitting on the toilet

and your head's over the door.

Oh, my God.

I love that.

It's so cute.

You did a film, Elf.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a skull.

How's me?

It's so cute.

I can't cope with the toilet.

Oh, it's lovely.

You know, it's just so gorgeous.

And they're so proud, aren't they,

when you go in?

We just saw his little face,

like, so excited when you arrive.

Like, those things are so important

to be at, aren't they?

Yeah.

And I try.

I don't think I've missed one.

You know, I do try,

especially if it's just, like,

Father's Day, for instance,

it's, like, on me and it.

Yeah.

You've got to make sure you're there

because the kids just love it.

Well, you nearly missed it.

Well, yeah,

because you told me the wrong day.

I didn't.

I thought they were both on the Friday.

It's in the day.

It was one on Thursday and one on Thursday.

It's in the share calendar piece.

It's in the share calendar.

So how did the rest of the day plan out?

What did you get off to?

So then we went up to, like,

the golf club,

but we went to the swimming.

We had a really nice family day.

Mm-hmm.

You know,

we'd had such a busy weekend

with the party

and having our friends over.

We got up,

we did everything family.

We took the kids swimming

in an outdoor swimming pool

and we played tennis.

Yeah.

Then we had a lovely lunch,

come back,

all watched Avatar.

Nice.

The new one.

Yeah.

Just fantastic.

And then I made a roast dinner.

Yeah, that was nice though.

And I walked the dog.

It was quite a wholesome day.

Lamb and ham.

Mm-hmm.

Just at your...

It ordered.

Top notch.

I mean, like,

because we had...

Believe it or not,

we had a little Japanese lunch.

Did you?

Sushi.

And I said,

I gave Ab the egg a couple of times

because what did I say?

I said bento box.

He kept saying bento box

all day.

And I was just like,

fuck off.

But it was the other one

that made you sick.

Bento box and black cod.

Such a twat.

Two of the most

twatty terms,

I think.

Bento box and black cod.

I said,

why are you saying bento box?

You've never...

I don't know why.

Do you hear this woman around the pool going,

hey,

let's just go for lunch

and get a bento box.

So then I just somehow

subconsciously took that information on

and started saying bento box.

I've never said it before in my life.

And that was...

Rightly flagged me up on it and said,

I had a hell are you saying bento box?

What if it is one?

I was like, yeah, sorry.

So we moved on quickly from that.

But yeah, it was a lovely lunch.

And then Ab made an incredible dinner.

I had a great day.

That sounds very wholesome.

It feels like Father's Day

is quite a new thing.

I don't remember really like

my dad's and Father's Day.

Do you?

Yeah, I do.

What?

We always used to do Father's Day.

We probably just go for a roast or something.

Did your dad ever stitch you up

because your dad's following you?

My dad is...

Did he embarrass you?

In school and stuff.

Oh my God, yeah.

Like if we were naughty,

he'd say, I'm going to come and pick you up from school

with a big netto bag.

And be like,

have it darling.

And we'd be going, no dad, please don't.

And he did a few times.

The netto.

So what do you want him to have?

Like a white trorys bag or something?

I don't know.

I think at the time, like,

netto was like...

It's like a culture thing in Liverpool as well, isn't it?

Yeah, if you're like...

Netto has.

Netto has.

Netto has.

I don't know.

Netto was like an embarrassing shop to shopper.

I don't think there's an equivalent to that anymore, is there?

Is it still about Netto?

Not in Liverpool.

I've got rid of the one in Kirby.

But I don't stay.

My dad's right.

That's it.

I'm going to come pick you up with a big netto bag.

It was like a punishment.

Yeah.

And we'd be like,

no, please, I don't.

Please, no.

I don't want anyone to think we shop in Netto.

Oh, Eid al-Wiz, why are we up?

I remember going through, like,

the McDonald's drive-through.

And, like, there'd be just, like, some teenager,

like, on the...

on the till in the window, and he'd be like,

is Ronald in?

I mean, if we go...

If we go now, sir, sorry.

We go, oh, she's choking.

She loves Ronald.

She's got a massive crush on Ronald.

Please, go on.

How old are you?

Just, like, ten or something.

But, you know, like, we are with Sofia now.

Sofia now.

Like, everything we say is like,

oh, Mum, you're so embarrassing.

Dad, you're so embarrassing.

So we'd be, like, moored.

Fadi, go on.

Go and check in the back, see if Ronald's there.

Come on, just see if you can bring him to the window.

And I'd be like, Dad, shut up, no, no.

Do you remember we used to do that, though?

Do you remember we used to go, if we did a drive-through,

do you remember we'd go, like,

one of us had to ask in a different accent.

Do you remember?

It's the best game, by the way.

Have you got a chance?

Do you remember we used to do that?

Yeah.

And if you've got a chance, you've got to do it.

You've just got to go in there and just go right,

Jordy, or, like, Scouse or...

You know what I mean?

I've got to do a Scouse one.

I've got to do, like, wine or whatever.

How would you ask for a pigment?

Can I have a pigment?

There we go.

Can I have a large pigment meal

and a large Coke?

And 20 nuggets.

That is literally our voice.

Oh, and sweet and sour sauce.

Do you want me to hear you?

Yeah.

Can I have a pigment, please?

Do you want any money?

Finished?

Yeah.

We did that to our job, though.

Do you remember when we were...

We threw him in down in the thingy.

We'd all been on it.

I think we'd been to see Kingsley, aren't we?

Yeah.

We were all in it at the O2,

and then we all stopped off at McDonald's Drive-Thru.

The man said it was sharp.

We threw our John out the window of the car

through the window of the drive-thru.

And he was like, no, no, you can't do that.

So he was in there.

He was only about 14.

He was 14.

Yeah, for a minute.

I thought you were only job is to come back with a burger.

And did he?

No.

No.

Just a criminal record.

Yeah, just a criminal record.

She remember that, John?

Yeah.

That was so funny.

It was a burger king, actually, because I remember the exact one.

It was by Hang-A-Lay.

You know, after Jack's party,

we had an ice cream van in Jack's party,

like Mr. Whippy and the man led him in the van

to make his own ice cream,

and now Jack wants me an ice cream van.

Yeah, I get that, though.

For a kid that age, it's a great thing to be in it.

He was amazing, our ice cream van in the party,

like Jane, my friend, one of the mums of the school.

Like she's been going for it, going to the gym,

like eating healthy, doing a load of walks and everything.

So she got to, like, all the kids were queuing up

to get the ice cream,

and she got to the front of the queue.

She's Irish, she went,

oh, just have a little one, please.

And he went,

little one, what are you talking about?

You're about six stone.

Have a big one, love.

Two flakes.

He was hitting all the women.

And she told everyone in the pod,

do you know what he said to me?

He said, you're about six stone.

You need two ice creams.

Never mind half a one.

I heard him saying that a good few times.

The women came back from the ice cream van,

just skipping along like, oh, still got it.

She loved him.

It was so funny.

But yeah, yeah.

You've embarrassed our kids a few terms at the school, though.

Yeah.

When my dad used to embarrass me like that,

I used to be like,

I wish I wasn't you, you were my dad.

Or you'd rather have another dad.

Who's your ideal dad?

Well, recently,

the dad that I would have liked is,

well, Bernie Eccleston's been on my mind a few times.

Yeah.

He's been on my mind.

To me, there's no expense paid there.

I was definitely born into the wrong family.

Yeah, I get that.

I'd be up for Bernie.

He's my dad too, yeah.

Although I'm not sure I'd look much like him.

It's a lot smaller than me.

If you came out, you'd be like, that's not my dad.

Yeah.

His wives are quite tall.

That's true.

You know, I wanted to...

Recently, I was thinking, God,

I'd love Kevin Costin in Yellowstone to be my dad.

Yellowstone, yeah.

Just because of the riding horse.

Isn't that for that life?

Yeah.

You know, there's my dad at the school gate of the netto back.

And there's Beth.

Bloody riding horses all day.

Yeah.

Life's a bitch.

I'm quite similar to Beth.

I was on my...

I wish I could say you were like, rip.

I am like, rip.

Drip.

Yeah, drip.

Drip and mess.

Drip.

Drip and mess.

Drip and mess.

Drip and mess.

Drip and mess.

When you were little,

if you never thought you'd like to be your dad.

Well, yeah, when I was a kid, it was like,

I can't, you know, Kerry Dixon being my dad.

Kerry Dixon?

Yeah, or, you know, like...

Is that a girl?

No.

She was in my year of school.

Kerry Dixon?

That's what she sound like to someone.

Like, you'd go to school with Kerry Dixon.

But no, I played up front for Chelsea.

Tom Selleck would be a good celebrity dad to reckon.

Tom Selleck?

Yeah.

He's just like a dad to me.

Richer than friends.

What about Denzel Washington?

Oh, I'd love Denzel.

That would be a good dad, wouldn't it?

Daddy.

Dad slash boyfriend.

Daddy.

Stepdad.

Fucking love Denzel.

Pamela Allison is a stepmom to me.

Oh, shut up.

I don't want you saying that.

I'm joking about Denzel.

I'm joking about Pamela.

No, you're not.

You're not joking about Pamela.

I'm joking, God.

I'm joking for him to handle anyway.

Yeah, actually, yeah.

He's got my age and she's...

Even better.

Grady.

We need to see who our listeners would like to be their dad.

For the record, I wouldn't swap my dad for the world.

He is the best dad.

And, like, incredible and so funny.

And I love him.

But I love this game.

Let's fire into the agony abs, though.

Dear Abby and Peter, my best friend, Sonny, has gone and got his new misses.

Oh, we were going to call our baby.

That wouldn't be Sonny.

Yeah.

She's too perfect and starting to get my nerves.

There's a strong competition going on between us.

When I mentioned to him, he's like,

I don't know what you're all about, mate.

Clearly, he's love-blind.

The worst thing is she wins every single one of our little competitions.

She always guesses the correct score when we watch football.

She didn't even like football until we started inviting her.

Now she gets him tickets and goes with him.

She even beat me in a swimming race when we were away.

During every pre-drink, she always sets me up and I end up doing all the shots,

leaving me absolutely battered.

When I cook dinner, she's like, Jake, this is grim,

and goes on Deliver Road to order everyone nice food so snide.

I know what she's doing, but it's all very subtle and it flies under the radar.

What can I challenge her with that will put her in her place for good

and get me back on top?

This could be a series of small challenges or something massive to send her packing.

I'm desperate, Jake 25 from Manchester.

You know, it's a tough one, isn't it?

Because, you know, he's 25.

They're all getting to that age where they're finding a partner, they're settling down.

And, you know, if you've got, like, your best bud,

and you're used to doing everything together,

it's hard when a third party comes in and, you know,

the guy may want them to be spending more time with the girl instead of his best buddy.

So, you know, there's a little bit of jealousy going on or...

Now, I think this is a common theme, this.

I mean, this happens to a lot of lads.

Like, you've just got your best mates and all of a sudden one of them meets a girl

which is the natural progression in life.

And it's not as fun anymore because they've sort of taken more of the time

and you have to start cancelling things.

And, right, you can't go to this thing, can't go to that thing.

And if you haven't got the girlfriend, you've lost your mate on your own a bit.

But he's happy because he's with his girlfriend spending time enjoying himself.

It's a difficult thing to navigate.

I think he needs to try and get himself a chick.

Yeah.

Or start messing with the girl.

Yeah, or completely mess up their relationship.

Yeah, I'd start, like, hiding one of the shoes in, like, different places.

And then when she's moaning and looking forward or putting it back,

because it was never there.

So you're going full sabotage?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I think that's what you need.

It's not the worst of ideas, you know?

Sabotage would be more fun.

She'd make her doubt her own sanity and then get a section.

Make her doubt her own sanity.

Depends if she was, like, what if she's a nice girl?

What does he do?

Does he probably just speak to her and say,

no, you definitely don't do that.

That's definitely not do that.

Because she's getting her sugar worse then.

She's just like bringing loads of chicks around to the house.

Or just, like, go and have loads of fun and, like,

cop off loads and go, oh, I had a ball last night.

Ten beds all over me all night.

Yeah, like, make up stuff to him and be like,

you're missing out at the moment.

There's some fire out there.

Ring your wellies, son.

It's the old bull in a Chinese shop vibe.

Makes that believable.

They're all over me out there.

Can't fail.

Yeah.

Say, you know, he's having a boring time.

That's how you do it.

Don't speak to her because she'll manipulate you.

Again, if you can hear drilling in the background, it's not us.

I think we'll get that by now.

It's never us.

Hey, guys.

I've been dating the most amazing man.

He's from New York and has been working in the UK

for the past 12 months.

He's due to go back in four months.

He's absolutely perfect in my eyes, potentially the one.

He's tall, dark and handsome, funny, from a nice family,

and he has his life together.

Figuring out if this is going to work long...

Figuring out if this is going to work long distance has been so upsetting,

and we still haven't found a real solution yet,

and that's not even the bad part.

I'm pregnant.

Oh, no.

I forgot to take my pill, and it happened.

As much as you may speculate, I didn't do this on purpose.

I genuinely didn't, but now I am pregnant.

I want to keep the baby.

We haven't discussed having kids, and he's not sure he wants them.

But I am, and I'm 35 now,

so I feel like the clock is well and truly ticking.

Oh, I haven't told anyone yet as I'm scared of the reaction.

What can I do to break it to him?

I don't want our amazing relationship to change.

What would I do if he says he doesn't want kids?

I'm a huge mess, but this should be a happy situation.

But the circumstances are very difficult.

Jade, 35, London.

Oh, God.

Well, God, what would you do if you're hair?

And I'll say, what if I do it from him?

Well, in this scenario, honesty is the best policy.

I know we contradict that at times on this podcast,

but he has...

Even with the previous message.

Yeah, even with the previous...

But, you know, this is a...

This is, like, a huge deal, and it's...

Now, this is a serious one, isn't it?

Because this is a life on the line here.

This is someone's life with Nesbeth now.

Well, it's actually three people's lives you're messing with.

You know, the fact...

My only one thing that's sticking out to me in this,

if the relationship is so perfect and potentially the one,

why would they be contemplating a long-distance relationship

in the first place?

Surely you would just go to New York together,

or he would stay here.

Yeah, but he might have to go to New York, wrap things up,

or something like that.

You don't just move to a place overnight, do you?

Well, you do.

You can.

Not everyone of them think.

You might have to go back.

Yeah, but what I'm saying is, if...

I don't know...

Well, for me, I would think of the admin after,

and just follow the love.

John Lennon over here.

What?

That's going to be on your, like, Goatstone app.

App says follow the love.

No, but you don't think of, like, the logistics of things.

I don't think.

Probably do when you're fucking pregnant.

No, listen.

No, I'm saying pre-pregnancy.

Oh, yeah.

Pre-pregnancy.

Let's take the pregnancy out of it for a moment.

The thing that's sticking out to me is that

they're going to stay as a long-distance relationship,

like, surely, if they were the one,

and they were perfectly matched, and they loved each other,

they would stay together,

or they'd work out a way to be together.

Because let's face it,

long-distance relationships do not work.

I think here, she has to be honest with him,

like, you know, it's a family, potentially.

He might go, oh, my God, like, I'm all over this,

be happy and tell it to move to New York,

or go to wherever she is in London.

And hopefully it works out.

You know, hopefully they can be a family,

they can be happy together forever.

It might be the best decision she ever made.

But, like, the more she keeps it in,

the more scenarios we go through ahead.

Yeah.

I think being honest with him as soon as possible,

and just seeing where that...

And to be honest, for a lot of people,

they actually don't know if they want kids

until it actually happens.

You know, it's easy to think of, oh, hypothetically,

they don't want them,

but until you know that you could potentially have a child

coming into this world, you'd think differently.

Yeah.

You know, hopefully, like, you'll go, oh, my God,

you know, I wasn't thinking about kids,

but I've had time to reflect on it,

and this is amazing news,

and I want you to come to New York,

and we all live together happily ever after.

That would be the best scenario, but she has to tell him.

Because, you know, for her,

it's not fair for her to be, you know,

going through this alone.

You know, as she said, it should be a happy time.

She should be celebrating, you know, having a baby is a miracle.

Mm.

So I just hope she gets the happy end

in that she wants or deserves, really.

Mm.

OK.

Hey, both.

Firstly, the Peter Crouch pod is my favourite,

but I can't ask for this kind of advice.

Say that again.

What did you say?

Hey, both.

Firstly, the Peter Crouch pod is my favourite.

Of course.

But I can't ask for this kind of advice.

So, Abby, I'll be very grateful if you and Peter

offer your relationship expertise to people like me.

I work at Ford.

I met my new girlfriend while selling her

and her twin sister a new car.

I gave them a great deal,

and she got a new fiesta with all the modern features,

including leather seats, the full works.

Cool.

Both sisters are identical and very beautiful.

I ended up going for a date

with arguably the more attractive one,

and it went very well.

We've had a couple of dates now,

but it's still very early days.

However, here's the dilemma.

I really like the other sister.

We just click with each other,

and I think it's very clear to everyone,

even our mum and dad, who joke and say

I picked the wrong sister in passing.

Can you think of any way I would end up?

I could end things with sister A

and pursue sister B without starting World War III.

They're also best friends,

so it's a nightmare all around.

I know the other sister wants to go out with me.

She's always saying how lucky sister A

is to have me and wishing she could find

someone like me.

Usually, I would just accept defeat

as I don't really like the drama,

but I can't stop thinking about her.

I know that's...

I know how sad that sounds.

Please just tell me what I should do.

P.S. I'm buzzing for Croucher S3.

I've already got my tickets,

but which sister will be attending with me?

Zach, 23, from Sheffield.

He's throwing his name in there as well.

At his place.

Zach, you're such a guest.

He's silly bastard.

Oh, my God.

Brian, from Doncaster.

That could be, I suppose.

Should've have done that.

What would you do?

Well, I've thought about it well with Ellie, you know?

Loads of times.

For all you listeners, L's my sister.

She's 12 years younger and definitely hotter.

Ship personality, though.

No, I think...

What would I do in this situation?

I think...

Depends if you slept with her, I think.

Oh, God.

It's so true, though, isn't it?

You can't...

If it's just a snog, maybe he can twin hop.

But anything more.

What about if he goes to, like,

the other sister and says...

I've made a mistake and I'd like to be with you.

And she's a goer.

A goer?

She's up for it.

Can you two make a wish for this?

If she's falling in love with him, too.

A goer or up for it?

Sorry, all right.

Wrong choice of words.

Then maybe, you know, he's got to make that one secure.

And then they'll say to the other...

You've got to say to the other one, they're like...

I'm sorry, but I just...

I really love your sister.

Maybe he should say it at a family meal,

because if the parents are all in on it as well.

Because we don't even know if twin...

He's going to say it in front of everyone.

Maybe twin A is not even that.

That's the nuclear option.

Do you think?

Yeah.

Well, yeah, in front of the mum, the dad, everyone.

Yeah.

We'll just go carton table.

Yeah, because he should say it the funny way.

If they're all saying, oh, you picked the wrong twin,

he should just say guys.

I've been thinking the same.

I love the funny.

Funny.

I love the family.

And...

My heart can't lie.

And I just want to put it out there.

I love being in the family.

I love both girls, but...

Twin B is...

I don't know.

I'm just thinking if that's first sister

that's been out before and they're like...

If twin A actually likes him that much.

Because twin A could not...

If twin A is not that bothered about him.

She's not bothered.

But it's still a bit weird, isn't it?

Like going out with like...

Do you know anyone who's like...

I don't know.

It can be done.

The twins are always going to back each other, aren't they?

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

Twin B goes, I really like you,

but I'm not going to upset me sister, so...

She's not going to say him after fucking two weeks.

He's going to lose out.

Because there's a form of betrayal,

no matter what scenario you do.

Like if the sister likes him once they run off,

she's betrayed the sister.

Like twin B could go, oh, look at you.

Hitting on me when you're going out with my sister.

No one's going to win.

Well, that's what I mean.

It's going to...

Someone's going to be upset in this scenario.

Him, the sister, or the other sister,

the mum and dad.

Like there will be a fallout from it.

There's no one, unless the girl who's going out with him

at the moment, isn't that bothered?

Want to do one more?

Okay.

Good luck with it anyway.

Shit you, shit I.

Hey, I need help.

So I've met this boy on a date now.

We've been on five dates.

All my friends love him,

and I've even introduced him to my mum and dad,

which is a big thing for me.

I wanted to make sure everyone liked him

before taking it to the next level,

as I've been with a couple of idiots in the past

and I've learned from my mistakes.

So it's a resounding yes from everyone.

They all love him.

We have made plans to go for a nice meal

and then back to his place.

Everything was so perfect, so romantic,

and romantic, romantic,

and I felt so comfortable.

Then he started making these really high-pitched moans

and groans that lasted the duration

of the Bonk Beats playlist.

I almost threw up.

I was cringing so much

that I was having an out-of-body experience.

I think I'd rather watch my parents have sex

than to hear those squeals in my ear again.

He sounded like Babe, the pig.

Oh, my God.

But I think I'm actually in love with him now.

Fast.

I don't know what.

That was a quick turnaround.

Well, she'd rather watch her mum down at six.

Fast.

And then fast forward, I might love him.

Yeah.

Fast, you may think,

but I believe that when you know, you know,

I've been making terrible excuses

because I'm scared that another round of that vocal performance

could give me an irreparable ick.

I could lose the best guy I've ever met,

save my life, guys, love, and on it.

24.

You do that, though.

I would make your school like a big boy.

Oh, my God.

Pete!

You do that.

No, I don't.

Talk to me.

I mean, that's horrific.

I don't know how you can go from rather

watching your mum and dad have sex.

I love him now.

Don't you think the word ick has put emphasis

and give icks oxygen?

Like, if we didn't even know the word ick,

like, this is my new thing lately,

give labelling issues is giving them oxygen

that they don't need.

And I'd duck the fill.

You know what I mean, though?

I'll prove that, I'll prove that.

Like, allergies, fucking all kinds.

Going into a restaurant now and asking all the time,

like, do you have allergies?

Like, you sit there and you think,

you have to think about it.

And then you go, actually, yeah,

I could make a tommy ick when I drink milk.

Yeah, I'm lactose intolerant.

Yeah, actually, yeah, you know,

duck makes me feel sick.

I wouldn't have that.

To me, one.

I couldn't eat a duck.

I couldn't eat a duck.

Yeah, but that's what I'm saying.

People, like, you're creating, like,

there's constant, like, creation of allergies.

Like, 70 years ago, like you said, it was like...

What she could do.

Sorry, in the 1970s or something,

it was just like, like, take a gavaskon,

get on with it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Deal with it.

Got a bit of heartburn.

What she could do is, like, put a hand over his mouth.

Get him a bowl of gag.

She could do that.

Jor in the ding or, like...

Tie him up.

Put a finger in his mouth or something,

so he, like, sucks a finger instead.

Kinky.

For a bit.

Do you know what I mean?

Feisty one.

Feisty one, aren't you?

No, that's not something I would do.

I'm just trying to help.

She said, save my life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're helping.

So I'm trying to.

So if he's squealing,

maybe she could just do things

that stop noise coming out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get him a bowl of gag.

Fist in his mouth.

Probably enjoy that one.

Not a fist.

She could just put, like, a finger in his mouth,

or just, like, get, like, that on his face or something.

Like, that one.

Shhh.

My beauty.

Shhh, my beauty.

Oh, she could just...

There's ways around that.

Oh, she could just snog him the whole time.

During...

Yeah, consistently, yeah.

Loud and the bunk beats up as well.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

Turn the playlist on.

So?

So it's loud.

But what kind of noise is he making there?

Like, squealing pig...

She said...

High-pitched moans and groans.

That lasted the duration.

God, the whole way through.

He's got to turn that in.

I think...

Your vocal is not...

Was a bit of a...

Coming from a man is not good, I don't mean.

I think that's sort of mean.

He needs to...

Maybe that needs to be addressed, no?

Like, you know what I mean?

That's like, look, mate.

That's not attractive.

But you don't want to...

It's not that it's not attractive.

It's off-putting.

It's not attractive, is it surely?

A high-pitched...

Like a man making a high-pitched noise.

Yeah, but you might be like...

Actually doing it.

In pleasure.

Or you might be like...

Doing it because he thinks...

She thinks it's sexy.

You like that?

You like that?

Do you know what I mean?

Do you like eggs?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She could be like,

What's your biggest thing on?

And I'm like, I've that quick.

And then be like, oh, you know what mine is?

When men are silenced.

You're in sex.

Great way out.

Do you know what I mean?

Absolutely nailed it.

Absolutely nailed it.

What's your biggest turn on?

Oh, men who are silent in bed.

I just love it.

I can't get enough of it.

I want to hear,

Not a Peep.

Next on the Talks of Rotten Egg.

Yeah.

I do.

That's the kids in the car,

like when they're all just screaming

and messing around.

She'll play a game.

Next on the Talks of Rotten Egg.

Not like that in the car.

Great game, that one.

Yeah.

All right, nailed it.

That's the one.

So it's snog, finger in mouth,

or say a tenon's a silent man.

Yeah, or crank the bonk beats.

You put,

I think she'd still hear it.

Unless you put,

Leia here,

Leia here,

Leia here.

All right, well,

I think that's another job done there.

Father's Day completed.

I think we've helped some people there.

Some great jokes involved.

You enjoyed yourself?

Words of chicken across the road.

I don't know.

That's good.

You know,

we've got some good jokes in there.

I hope everyone's still enjoying it,

because we're still enjoying doing this, aren't we?

Like, get involved on socials, whatever.

It's therapycratch.com.

And leave comments,

because we like to listen to them.

Yeah, we do.

To read them.

Or read them, you know.

See you next week.

Machine-generated transcript that may contain inaccuracies.