The Therapy Crouch: Doggystyle

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District Assessment Funds. Is a whole lot of dow? She seems really happy. I'm all right, babe.

She's like, yeah, I'm great. I'm like, you carry on. But you like to run yourself a little bath,

don't use a little epsom salt.

Hello and welcome to The Therapy Crouch with me, Abby Clancy. With me, Peter Crouch.

And little Ralphie. Little Ralph's joined us. Not Optimus Prime, what happened to Optimus?

I liked Optimus Prime. It was a great name. You chose Ralph? I quite like Ralph. I've got Geoffrey

Ralph now. Well, obviously, as you can see, I've caved. I'm a shitbag, is the honest

answer to that. I've said no all along and you just got it anyway. I know, but the thing is,

I knew you'd love him and you do. But the thing is, I knew that that was the case. Like I said,

I've stated in previous podcasts, I'm not an animal hater. Obviously, I'm going to love the dog. I just

didn't think that we needed another thing, but he is lovely. And it's been kind of a seamless

transition. He's fit into the Crouch clan fantastically well. He actually has. Yeah. He has

been good. Like it's been a few issues, but mainly he's very good. Well, I'll get on to that in my

weekly wine, if that's all right. But you know the way people say, my dog's got the best personality,

literally. He has. You know, he's just, he's just a little dream. Look at his little face.

And his ears and every time he drinks his water, all his ears get wet because they dip in.

Still asleep. He's in that phase where he like runs around for half an hour and then he's completely

zonked. When did they arrive? Well, we've had him for four days now. So we went to pick him up from

Charlotte last week. Well, four days ago. And it's just, it's, he's just been wonderful. The kids

love him. Jeffrey's a bit sheepish. He's got no interest. He's had only child vibes for like a

while and now you're bringing them in and he pops the mix. Yeah. Jeffrey's basically Sophia. Yeah.

Sophia tells us off on why did we ruin her life by having all these kids.

And Jeffrey's kind of given me that. I'm with her on that.

But, you know, he's just wonderful. Yeah, now he's good. But this, you know,

trying to do the whole puppy training thing is quite difficult. Like when we got Jeffrey,

he obviously, he was ill when we got him. He had Parva virus and we got like completely conned

when we got the dog. And he was in a terrible state. He spent, you know, the whole experience was

ruined for the kids. You know, it was the first time we've ever got a dog for the family. And

he spent half the time in the vet. The vet was, you know, thinking he wouldn't make it through

the night. Then, you know, at times, you know, maybe, you know, he just wouldn't make it or put

him down. And so we kind of soured the whole experience. And he spent so much of his life

in the vets for the first couple of months, didn't he? And then my friend looked after him because

he was obviously too weak to be around the children. The kids were younger and

number one. Also, I didn't want the kids to see him like that because it was scary. So now we're

doing the whole puppy training thing. And I'm a bit like, Oh my God, I don't know what to do.

Like I've had four kids, but the puppy thing, you know, there's so, so much conflicting information

online about what is the correct thing to do, you know, the whole crate training thing,

like, leave them in there to cry at night. It's tough, I don't know. It's like child cruelty.

Just feels so wrong. Because, you know, there's one argument to say, if you leave it in the cage

and it cries, you know, then it associates that crate with like stress and anxiety and,

you know, then get an upset tummy and stuff like that. So yeah, yeah, basically what I'm trying

to say is the dogs slept in our bed, I don't know. So this brings me neatly onto my weekly

wine, if you don't mind. I'll get off my chest now. I said the one rule is that we just keep

him downstairs in the crate. Yeah, but he doesn't mold. Well, I found myself last night at 11 o'clock,

the dog was crying downstairs, bringing a crate up with all the water, the little pads, the blanket

into our bedroom, putting the crate next to our bed and then having a dog in our bed.

So what's the point of bringing the crate up, number one?

But it's so funny because I was thought I could put him in the crate next to the bed and like

dangle my arm down and just like stroke him to sleep, but he just wouldn't have any of it.

He was literally like a human scarf around my neck all night, but you hooked it. I don't know

why you're moaning. No, I just didn't want him to cry. It's better in the bed because at least

you can get some sleep. You said bring him into bed to those because he's not going to stop.

Exactly. Don't you have Maggie in the bedroom as well? Oh, the cat's been demoted. The cat's been

evicted. The cat's been evicted, baby. It's amazing how they see the hierarchy change, you know,

like the cat's been with us forever in the corner now. Maggie who? No, she's not in the corner.

Maggie downstairs. Jeffrey's downstairs like gutted and then this thing's in the bed.

I put baby in Sophia's room last night as she slept on Sophia's bed. Yeah. But, you know,

I actually think I can remember having Jeff the crate in our room with Jeffrey for a few

days. You know, it's like a human baby. It's not going to last forever, Pete.

And they don't molt and he doesn't have accidents. It's just a little dream. I just love them so

much. I remember when I was the priority in the bedroom. Then we got Maggie and baby. Then we

had Sophia, Liberty, Johnny, Jack, Jeffrey, Ralph. That makes me number nine on the list.

Can you believe there's 10 people living in our house?

There's 10 things. Living things.

First I leave. You know, plus all the daddy long legs that've been flying in this.

I know, yeah. But look at him. How can you not love him?

Obviously, I said this right from the start. I'm obviously going to love him.

But did we need it?

I think he's just so well natured because he's come from like a family

setting. You know, he's grown up with his mum and dad around,

load of kids. You know, he's perfect temperament,

not a bit phased coming into this mad house. But we love him. And I'm so happy.

Oh, that's all right. Only reason I'm on this planet is to make you happy.

Actually, I've got a weekly one.

Oh, I thought you might.

Every time I've got to leave for work at 4.30 tomorrow.

And every time I've got to leave early, Pete plans to do something.

The night before I'm going out for a bite to make it.

Who never comes down. I haven't seen him in ages.

He doesn't live here anymore. And he's down.

He does. He's going to Twickenham and he lives in Twickenham.

Yeah, Herman does. Greg lives in.

Greg comes down for work on Tuesday. That's it.

Okay.

It's only just started.

Well, you could do it every every Tuesday.

Well, I will do.

Doesn't bother me at all.

What it seems to.

The only reason it's bothering me is because I don't want to be waiting for you

because I can't sleep without you.

Don't wait up, though.

Don't want to. You've got Ralph now.

Got Ralph.

Thank God.

That's why I need these pets, I think.

What? Because I'm out once in a blue moon for a curry.

Feel me because I'm neglected constantly.

I think there's enough things in this house to keep you company.

Babe, I can't even count.

You'll be fine.

It just doesn't even look real. Look at that face.

Lovely ears.

All right. Listen, I'm getting into the audience wines.

I've got one slight issue here.

You know, it talks about recording the audio and I was breathing into the microphone.

Yeah.

I feel like I'm holding my breath now.

Like you've put me off.

Thank God for that.

You've put me off.

You've put me off breathing in general.

That's not me.

Like I feel like I can't really breathe because I'm not letting it out.

How did the rest of your audio book recordings go?

It actually did well.

It actually did really well.

Some of the M words and they're like peeking on and saying,

I'm an old geezer now.

I hope we did well.

We did well.

We got through it.

You stopped, you know, being a diva and we kind of got over it.

Come on, please.

What?

Don't say that.

When I spoke to the woman from Penguin about rearranging the time,

she's like, I didn't make it to the last ones.

However, I think it's imperative that I be at these ones after the report I got last week.

Imperative.

Imperative that I be there.

No, we need it.

We need it.

Charlotte things seem to run smoothly when Charlotte's not there.

We need Charlotte in the room.

Yeah.

She's great.

She's our boss.

Anyway, audience wines.

I have a friend who I've known for 15 years.

However, since splitting with her husband three years ago,

she is obsessed with dating apps

and will meet up with men a few times a week.

However, on many occasions,

she will cancel our arrangements for her dates.

And the only time she'll want to meet up with me

is if she needs my advice over men when she's dating.

Bros before her husband.

And it goes wrong.

She never asks how I am.

Should I dump her as a friend?

What do you think?

I think that's a common friend, Rob.

Don't you?

Mm-hmm.

She just, she just meets up for like,

to me wants a better than new thing.

You know, it's kind of like, you know, it's for the friend.

It's kind of like, you know, she'll be feeling

you only want me when you haven't got

a bit of sausage to never learn.

I'm joking, you can't put that in.

No, I'm absolutely joking.

No, but it's like,

no, I think you can, I think you can,

I think you can, I think you can.

Sausage.

Sausage.

No, that, we can't put that in.

Well, that's got to stay in there.

Oh my God, very joking.

No, because, you know, I can see it from both sides.

If someone's, you know, dating away

and is trying to find Mr. Wright and, you know,

they're taking every opportunity that's thrown at them,

that's one thing.

But when, you know, the friend can start to feel a bit, you know,

you know, she only wants me when she hasn't got,

you know, something else occupying her,

which is also not nice.

Well, no, I think it's, she just needs advice on the sausage.

Go veggie.

Not much trouble.

Tusciterian.

Tusciterian.

Tusciterian.

Well, I am, innit?

The hell is wrong with you?

Think you're safe to be around those animals?

You started it.

Well, I'd prefer a fish to sausage.

You actually don't.

You actually don't.

No, I don't, in the grand scheme, I think.

So, you know, I think it is a bit annoying.

You know, I've been on the receiving end of this,

where, you know, your friends are going out meeting loads of boys

and it feels like the only one I know you when they've got nothing else to do.

Isn't that all you talk about, though, with your friends?

Boys?

We're just like, you know, younger ones.

Never talked about boys in my entire life.

Seems to me, it's always like boys and makeup.

Boys and makeup, you fucking kidding me.

One of my, what boys do I talk about?

Yeah, but you're bored now, aren't you?

You've got me.

It's not as fun.

Talking about when you're in the dating scene, it's like it is.

It's a topic of conversation if you're single.

Yeah.

Very much so, I'd say.

Yeah.

You know, on one-handed selfish, but a good friend would be like, you know,

she's divorced after 15 years and she's enjoying herself.

You know, she should be all for that as well.

I think just be honest with her again.

The mates probably stuck at home with their 15-year-old husband,

not 15-year-old husband.

15-year-in husband thinking, oh, she's probably jealous.

She's probably jealous that she's going out and getting action left, right and centre.

Well, never maybe a bit of that, but you know, she might also be happily married.

We don't know.

It does happen sometimes.

Like, believe it or not.

Like you.

Oh, I believe it.

I believe it when I see it.

Let's move on.

Golf is fitness.

My husband thinks he's doing a marathon where all he does is walk around.

Also, not sure if Pete is the same, but he comes home more grumpy than when

he's not been playing golf, as his back hurts and he's played shit.

I totally get this from a point of view.

But you like to run yourself a little bath, don't you?

A little epsom salt afterwards.

Bit of tea tree.

That was private.

Private.

Now, you have to-

My tea tree always is my own business.

You can't put tea tree all in the bath.

How do you not?

It's too stingy.

And then we get menthol balls.

Have you ever had menthol balls?

You know that tea tree or the menthol?

That's what we're talking about.

Like, menthol rub.

Yeah, you know the menthol shampoo and that?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, probably that.

I don't know if it's good or bad.

It's like, it's in between.

It's a tingling sensation.

Sometimes you can go too far, but sometimes it's great.

What? Where am I?

What am I listening to?

I just want to go out of this room and sit with my little doggie.

No, anyway, getting off my bath routine.

Golf for you isn't fitness because you get a buggy round.

You get a buggy round.

You get a caddy.

No, I walk round the golf course.

With a caddy.

Sometimes.

With a caddy.

Sometimes.

Not sometimes all the time.

Not always.

No, but I play golf, right?

And it is a slightly long walk,

but I wouldn't class it as fitness.

It's a long walk.

But I totally get that.

You go there with all the ambitions

of having a great round,

and quite often you play shit

when you're kind of the level that I am.

And you do come home a bit angry.

Because you have the great...

I know when you've had a good day

because I see the little scorecard on my dressing table,

like Pete leaves these car drown with a pencil,

thinking I'm going to read it.

And be like, oh my God, babe, that's amazing.

Wow.

15 over today.

That's fantastic.

That is good for you, isn't it?

You're 14, aren't you?

That's pretty standard for me.

So you were eight.

You were eight.

That's my handicap.

You've gone up now.

Because you haven't been playing enough fun.

That's what I mean.

It's all right.

I'm getting out twice this week.

I'm all four.

You're playing golf.

I think you should.

Do whatever makes you happy.

No, I get that.

But I don't think it's a...

I don't think it's a...

It's not fitness.

It's a leisurely pursuit it's supposed to be.

And I don't think you can come home angry after you've played golf.

You should...

What I think is when you've played badly,

it's still better than doing 99% of jobs.

You know, you're out there in the countryside

playing a sport with your mates.

Do you class golf as a job?

No.

What I'm saying is even a bad round

is better than a day at work.

Do you know what I mean?

So playing well is the icing on the cake.

But being out there with your mates and enjoying it,

this is what I've kind of come to terms with golf.

It's like you can play badly, but it's still...

It's still the best day out, no matter what.

Because I was coming home and taking it home with me

and thinking, fucking hell, we'll play shit today, fuming.

But you need to embrace the fact that you've actually...

Where's Pete getting the kids to, like, film a swing

so he can, like, analyse and improve himself?

So you've got...

If you want to improve, babe,

it's about dedication and hard work.

You only get out when you put it in.

I agree with that.

Do you want to read one, babe?

Whenever I have a day off work,

whether it be planned or unplanned,

my missus will never let me just have a day of rest.

It's usually women writing, isn't it?

It's nice to hear this.

You put... The thing is...

What?

We... That's... I'll finish the thing first.

Yeah.

She will always find something for me to do.

The house could be spotless, top to bottom,

but she will still leave a list of stuff to do

on the kitchen side before she leaves for work.

I'm a scaffolder, so sometimes it gets rained off

unexpectedly in the morning if the weather is so bad.

And, like, any bloke, on my day off,

I would like to just chill out, play FIFA, and cod.

Cod?

Call of duty.

Oh.

Yeah, when she has a day off, I don't ask her to do anything.

Standard.

No, I get this, because when men have a day off,

you kind of need them to do...

Why can't you put your feet up?

But I think it's because we work a lot.

Our days off are, like, kind of doing stuff around the house,

aren't they?

You enjoy doing that.

Yeah, I don't really.

Like, I think I'm with him on this.

I can't remember the last time, like,

we just did a day on the couch watching telly.

It's, like, never been done, has it?

We're not that kind of...

I just don't think we are, really.

I like doing that, but, like, maybe on a Sunday,

like, the football's on.

I'll watch the football, but I wouldn't sit down

and kind of watch a box set, like, all day.

I don't think I... I don't... I couldn't do that.

Even with a hangover, you're out of bed.

You know what I mean? Like, I have a hangover,

but I still kind of...

If I've got day off, I'd rather get up and play golf

or go to lunch review or we'll go to town or...

I don't... I wouldn't, like, stay in the house and do jobs.

So that's, like, the worst day ever.

See, that's heaven for me.

Yeah, but you don't, like, me being around

when you want to do jobs in the house.

No.

So that's when I'll get off.

Yeah.

Because I infuriate you when you're in sorting mode.

Yeah, because you want me to just play with you

and I don't want to.

I just want to do my thing.

Do my own thing.

I'd love that.

All day.

And, like, if Pete...

Like, yeah, but if you had a golf day planned,

you wouldn't give a fuck if I was emptying the watchers.

But if you're sitting in with me, you're, like,

begging me not to do it, so I could just give you attention.

Yeah, because...

Like, I emptied all the pencil boxes this morning.

In the kitchen.

So many pens and pencils out.

I've got, like...

How many actual pencils have we got?

It's like a whole wall of cupboards.

And everything's organised to, like, iPads, earphones,

you know, board games, balls, chargers.

And then there's, like, six pencil clear boxes.

And it should be crayons, gel pens, felt pencils,

school writing pencils, like, the great normal coloured ones.

So I emptied all of them out this morning.

You need to get a hobby.

You should.

That's not cool.

It is.

But you know what, like, I kind of creep past because she's happy.

She's happy for quiet for a couple of hours.

She seems really happy.

I'm all right, babe.

She's like, yeah, I'm great.

I'm like, you carry on.

It's not better than four hours of sharpening pencils.

I sharpen them all before I put them in the box.

Something wrong with me, you know?

But for something, for someone so, like, organised,

the house is still an absolute bomb, isn't it?

It's a bomb for you.

I walk in here and go, cock, lovely.

Cock.

And sit down, take my shoes off.

And you're like, oh, place is a mess.

But I don't think, if you ever come home, I'm going, oh, place is great.

No.

But I need, I'm trying to do that.

I'm trying to do the Christmas clear out.

Oh, yeah.

You know, getting all the old toys to charity,

send them into nursery schools, you know,

so we can make some room for the new transformers.

The other thing is, like, I like Christmas as much as the next one, right?

But the pullover that goes into, like, basically one morning,

and then you're just back to normal again, you know what I mean?

Like, the run-up, like, we start now.

Yeah.

You know, we're not even in October yet.

She's already started buying presents.

And, like, you think about it, it's only for that morning.

The build-up's going to go away.

We should save this for a whole pod.

Christmas is a bit of a way away, yeah.

Yeah, but nothing gives me.

We've got Halloween before that.

Oh, yeah, Slutween.

If he calls it Slutween.

Slutween, it's just changed, doesn't it, from Halloween?

Like, it's just an excuse for ladies to dress like ladies of the night.

Good times, Hallease.

If Pete doesn't get, like, Halloween, can be, you know, Pete's like,

it's Halloween.

Why aren't you dressed as a skeleton?

Why are you wearing a friggin' PVC little bow-peep outfit

with blood dripping out your mouth?

And I totally get that.

I don't hate it.

Yeah, you obviously love it, but...

Yeah.

Shut up, Pete.

There's a ruin of the rest of us.

What happens when they just put a sheet on and cut the y-holes, you know?

My mum used to cut, like, three holes out of a bin bag

and just put it over me and buy me a witch's hat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what I mean.

It was a standard procedure, but it's up to you.

I am a traditional Halloween gal.

It could be a little bit scary, isn't it, surely?

Yeah.

I could just go without no makeup on.

It's scary.

I don't want to do Slutween.

I don't want to do Slutween.

I'm over Slutween.

I wouldn't mind you doing it at all.

You're the one who goes mad about it, generally.

I do think it's a bit...

People just dressing up like Sluts, I think.

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Why is he called Ralph instead of Optimus Prime?

Me trying to forge some relationship between you and the dog, getting you involved, letting

you pick the new dog.

I knew that's what you were doing.

That was the worst thing.

I knew that you were letting me pick names and getting me involved.

I thought a nice name that had rolled off your tongue when you walk in him.

Well, the original shout, you said, oh, you should call it Vasta because it was like,

that was my dog, so I was like, oh, that kind of got me involved.

That'd be such a lovely idea.

Then I thought, what am I saying?

I don't want this dog.

That's how you kind of juke me.

I know how to work, you Peter.

I know you do.

You do.

And get it very well.

And there he is.

But Ralph is, I do like the name Ralph.

I think it's a great name.

Does that inspire by anyone, Peter?

Little Wreck-It Ralph.

No, do you know what we went through?

Like, it's Ab's favourite game and it does do my head in this game because

we play it for hours and hours and hours, don't we?

You love it, don't you, the name game?

We do it with kids and anyone who's pregnant,

it's like, I'll just do the name game and I'll just walk out the room

because I don't know how long it goes on for.

But I just, you know, there's no,

you know, I didn't have that experience growing up

of your mum and dad walking in the door with a puppy for you or any animal for that matter.

That is something that kids will remember.

And we are fortunate if we can look after this dog,

it's going to come into a house full of love.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, that's what it's about for me.

You know, we were saying last night in bed,

like, when our kids grew up, they're going to be like,

oh my God, I had the most incredible childhood.

You know, so loved, number one.

Happy home, you know.

Pets galore.

Let's not dress it up, this is for you.

Do you get like your fuming when the kids are like picking it up and stuff?

Yeah, like I'm giving the kids like designated time zones to like five

minute window, like they can hold them.

But he's been zooming around the kitchen all morning today,

playing, and this is perfectly, you can just have a little song.

Makes me sleepy though, watching like this.

It just makes a house so relaxed.

It literally goes back to that feeling

that I had when I first gave birth to Sophia.

You know, we brought her home from the hospital and the house is spotless

and serene and so calm and everyone was just so happy.

You know, I think that's what it is.

I'm, you know, holding on to childbirth in some way.

She's had your first year of that.

No, but you know what I mean?

Maybe you should just have another kid.

Yeah.

Shut up.

Why don't you have a kid?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm the Abbey.

You can babysit.

I think it'll be Ellie next to have a baby or John.

And I'll...

Don't do it, kids.

I'll look after the babies.

What are the big things you think people need to consider before getting a dog?

The realities?

Well, the reality is very, to have a new puppy is very different to the fairy tale.

You know, obviously me and my OCD, you know, the dog has done one way on the rug,

which is not the end of the world because I'm getting a new rug.

But what I understand is it's like the difference now.

It's like I'm not allowed to touch the rim, right?

And the dog's shitting on the rim, you know?

And it's like, oh, come here, Ralphie.

He's so cute.

Naughty boy.

Come here.

Gorgeous.

Like, I've just come in and I'm in my slippers.

I'm not even about outdoor shoes.

And I've got an inch of the rim.

But you go outdoors and you're slippers.

Naughty boy.

He goes outdoors.

Naughty boy.

In the cage.

In the cage.

Get in the cage.

Soon, I swear this thing will be in the bed while I'm in the cage, curled up.

It will.

Eating dog food, literally the dog out.

But like, obviously the dog has an injection.

So on Sunday, I was like, I can't leave the house.

And I had so much to do, you know, and I couldn't go out.

It's a tie, isn't it?

It's a tie.

And it's an emotional tie because even when you do leave it and someone's, you feel guilty.

You feel guilty.

And also, you know, I feel like I do need my sleep at the moment.

We're definitely not getting enough sleep.

No, because it's got to the stage now where all the kids are sleeping through.

They're getting up at sort of 5, 6, 7.

It's a good time to get up, going to bed at kind of 8, 8.30.

And then this thing's in the bed, yapping.

It doesn't yap him in the bed.

Yeah, but if you put him in the cage, in the crate, he does.

Yeah.

It's like, it's brand new, baby Pete.

We could leave a brand new baby on its own, would you?

Baby we didn't need, didn't it?

But I think, you know, just the whole train and think, you know, that's,

like Pete, you were saying last night in bed, like dogs do need structure and routine.

You know, I don't want it to end up like our John's dog.

Yeah.

Wild.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Totally untrained.

You know, absolutely nightmare that dog, isn't it?

It is.

That's what I like.

Yeah, yeah.

Salmons will be destroyed in no time.

Yeah.

So your dog John's still eating shoes at nearly one years old?

Yeah.

Do you want to get so pissed off when you're...

Right, you know, it's because...

When you slag John's dog off, look at his face.

And I only do it to eye them off.

He's taking deep breaths.

He literally can't bear it.

Don't you talk about my child like that?

That's basically a child, isn't it?

But anyone who doesn't know John...

Someone dished your own kids, you'd be ready to kill.

Oh yeah.

And I have, not killed, but I have...

If someone said something about my child, I am...

Yeah, riled.

I understand enough for them.

It's like when we went into Glastonbury and you walked in before me,

and someone went, was that Pete Crouch?

That lanky twat, was that Pete Crouch?

I went, I went, what?

What did you just say?

I couldn't believe it.

I said, that's my husband you're talking about.

I said, that's the father of my children.

I was like, would you like it if I said something

about your physical appearance?

And humiliated you in front of everyone?

She was like that.

I went, well, no, you wouldn't.

Well, just so don't do it to him.

And she was like that.

I just feel like I have to...

I like my territorial girl.

Got my back, babe.

I've stuck up for you so many times like that, though.

It's good to see, I like it.

You've never stuck up for me.

I knew you were going to say that.

That's not true.

I always stick up for you.

People slag you off all the time.

No, they do not.

Honestly, behind your back, you don't know how many fires

I'm putting out.

Not true, babe.

No, listen, you know, I've always got your back.

You know that.

You know I'll always have your back, always.

But it is the same for dogs, isn't it?

You do stick up for them.

Well, you just...

People become so attached to their dogs.

And I think especially if you don't have children,

because they are your babies.

I don't think especially if you've got children.

Like, I regard this dog the same as my children.

I don't think you can, really.

I do.

Well, obviously...

It's my fairy, babe.

I obviously love it to...

You know, and Geoffrey as well, but...

Your poor Geoffrey's not over the moon about the whole thing.

You're going to need to make sure TLC this week.

Me and Geoffrey are just going to move out.

I bought it.

We're going to get a flat somewhere on the river.

Me and Geoffrey are going to get a...

On the river?

Yeah, because we've walked down the river.

You wouldn't have just thought, so that's off the top of your head.

We talk about it.

We talk on the walks.

And I'm like, that's been thought about before, isn't it?

Like fully planned.

Absolutely packed on the plan.

Me and Geoffrey, when we go for walks, you love the water, mate, don't you?

What do you reckon? Richmond?

Twickenham?

I've always...

It's a little one-bedroomer.

So you're going to Twickenham, you want to live in Twickenham,

and you're going out and Twickenham tonight?

I'm looking at places.

Me and Geoffrey.

Is there something going on in Twickenham?

I'm taking you with me.

No, no.

What I'm saying is, sometimes on our walks,

I like being Geoffrey's time.

It's nice to get away from this place.

As much as I love it.

That's fine.

That is fine.

Now I know.

They are nice to walks.

I think it's a nice thing.

You're planning with our dog to move to the house.

No, I'm not.

You know where the door is.

Okay.

Well, I'm going for it.

I'll go for it.

You can walk out.

Can't believe that.

Well, I'm not really moving out.

You know, when considering, obviously, Geoffrey's a Labrador,

the reason I got the Labrador is because it was Pete's dog growing up,

and that was kind of my in to get the dog without him.

You know, but I didn't do much research.

Would you have not got of that Labrador?

I think the Black Labrador is the most phenomenal dog.

Geoffrey's temperament is phenomenal.

No, phenomenal.

Like, he is the most kindest, loyal, fun dog as well.

Like, you know, he's a big bit of dog, isn't he?

Do you know what I mean?

He's a whole lot of dog,

but he's just amazing with the kids,

and but the only downside to a Labrador is the malting.

Yep.

And Geoffrey's an incredible guard dog as well.

Like, incredible.

And but he's not noisy in the house, and he's chilled.

He's amazing.

And, you know, the reason I got the Cavapoo

is because, you know, my daughter, Liberty,

has been begging me for one like a whole life.

And it's like a little dog that you can carry and cuddle.

You know, they don't bark.

They do bark, but they don't.

They're not like a yappy dog like my mum's dogs.

And they don't molt.

So that was the kind.

And there's, you know, they're safe.

They're lovely.

Well, that's great that you say that.

And funny, actually, because we've got a message in here

from this from Anon.

And they say, hi, Abby and Pete.

Following on from your dog choice,

I could strongly suggest that Cavapoo

would be nothing like Abby perceives it to be.

My best friend has two Cavavos,

and they spend three, four days at their house a week.

However, since they've purchased these hyperactive muts,

I find that maybe just joining a FaceTime call

is for the best instead.

I don't go around there anymore.

Firstly, they definitely do molt.

When I walk into the house,

I will be hairier than the dogs themselves.

They don't know?

Secondly, they do bark for a minimum of 23 hours a day.

Thirdly, when they are excited,

they will bite with their razor sharp teeth.

Lastly, they expect to be walked three, four times a day.

And if they're not, they will piss on the carpet.

Sofas, curtains, and just to punish, my friend.

However, they may be playing up because there is two of them,

but he has regretted buying them for the first day he got them.

No, I've never heard that about Cavapoo, Pete.

The number one dog breed?

None of that is good.

None of that is good.

None of that is good.

So Luke need none of it.

I need more red food.

And if he's any of that, he's going to the sausage factory.

Sausage factory.

Going to the sausage factory.

He doesn't know.

He's going to the goblin pie factory.

He doesn't look like he's going to do that.

There's no way.

There's no way.

I mean, he's pretty chilled.

I think he's clingy.

Bit clingy, but what new born baby isn't.

Do you know what I mean?

Well, he's only just been kind of separated from his mom, isn't he?

Yeah, he's been with his mom the whole time.

So I think he doesn't, I don't think that's true.

And I hope, I hope.

There's nothing more stressful than,

you know, the doorbell goes in my house like every two seconds.

So when, you know, Geoffrey barks at every time the doorbell goes, which is good.

It's a good, you know, good, good for me.

But when John's things here, me mom's too.

And there's four dogs yapping and setting each other off.

It's kind of the stress levels when you win this barking

and you're constantly like, it's stressful, isn't it?

Yeah.

What about when we go around to your friend's house right and she had that

slightly scary dog and I'd go around there and she'd say, it's fine.

It's fine.

Just don't look at it in the eyes.

My friend Liberty's got seven dogs, seven dogs from all different backgrounds.

But she's got this one Malinois and, you know,

I said, I said, you know, is he all right?

And she said, yeah, he's totally fine.

Just don't look him in the eye.

Obviously I'm going, what, but I thought you're supposed to kind of greet them

and like, no, back of your hand, kind of let them smell you.

So I did that.

I looked at it and he went,

like the dog's looking at me, like he's literally staring at me

and I'm looking this way like that.

He's there.

Like a bone.

Yeah, like a stick.

She did when I come back from all day, do you look like a stick?

I wish I looked like a bloody stick after I come back from all day.

The opposite.

No, but those dogs, the Malinois, they're like highly, they're like army dogs.

The Belgian Malinois, is that what they're doing?

Yeah, they're going into like, you know, earthquakes and saving people.

They're climbing up walls, scale and fences.

The most intelligent dog, but, you know, they need a lot of training

and a lot of exercise and a lot of stimulation.

That's not the kind of dog that would fit in our household.

I think, I think that's so important when you're choosing your dog breed.

I know, you know, at the end of the day, they're animals and, you know...

Safety is the most important thing, isn't it?

Safety is the main thing.

Still animals, aren't they?

They could turn if you've got a...

Any animal's got the ability of turning or, you know, even if,

you know, a child leans on it and hurts it and they turn around and nip, you know.

Yeah.

There's always that risk.

So that's why I go for, well, statistically, Labrador's is like the most...

Not the most dangerous dog, most...

Yeah, but isn't that not statistically the most...

Most people have Labrador's, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean?

So there's more likely to be an accident or...

Yeah.

All right.

Just don't get any.

I think that's a really simple way out of...

Don't get an animal.

It is hard, though, now, like when we go away and stuff, it's like planning for, like, an extra...

Kennels and stuff like that.

You've got to look at it or I'll see if people will...

My dog wouldn't be going to bloody kennels.

Ross.

Goes to the farm.

Goes to the farm with all the horses, don't you?

You must be the only people who actually send the dogs to live on a farm.

He's gone to live on a farm.

He's kind of...

Yeah.

And he's not coming back.

He's shit on mum, he's carpet.

No, he's going to live on a farm.

You know, they go to the farm and, you know, our friend Catherine's got a farm on all the horses

and she has, like, a huge pack of dogs and when she comes,

Geoffrey knows the car and literally runs out the door, jumps into the back of her.

She's got, like, a big old defender.

Yeah.

And he just loves it.

It does make you happy, like, when you go on holiday and your dog's happy.

But it made me quite jealous when she took him to the beach for the first time.

She took him to the sea and I was like, I want to do that.

He looked like he loved it as well, didn't he?

Yeah.

At least, you know, when you're on holiday, you've got, like, your dog's been...

Seep it once.

Once after, yeah.

Oh, my God, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like your baby, you wouldn't leave your children with anyone.

Same for your dogs, you need to make sure that the person's perfect to do that.

And that's what Catherine is, isn't she?

Yeah, 100%.

Well, listen, obviously, you know, we've...

I've caved.

He's in.

He's part of the family now.

Couldn't we kind of make a deal for no more pets for a while?

You happy with that?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

No donkeys for now, eh?

Well, you were Googling...

Stables yourself with...

I'm just always looking for ways to make you happy.

I'll just take my room and take me to the cinema one night.

Send that with a love on the phone.

Making big plans for a hot date for you today.

All right, do you want to read this one?

A bit long for you, I think.

I'll do it.

I'll do it.

Dear Peter and Abby, I've a wine about my husband of nine years.

Whenever he makes me a cup of tea, whilst the tea bag is brewing,

instead of stirring it or just leaving it, he shakes the mug constantly.

That'd make me a bit...

Serial killer.

Oh, that is bizarre.

Which means the tea spills out all over my tray that I thankfully have in place to protect the work surface.

When I ask him to stop, he tells me to stop moaning and that I'm boring.

Boring.

Does nothing worse than being called boring?

Yeah, but imagine being called boring because he's shaking the tea like a lunatic.

This is just one of the weird quirks.

He has plenty of others.

I call him Adrian Mull.

It's like living with a teenage boy.

He also puts clean, freshly ironed by me, clothes on the floor of the bedroom.

After I've put them on the bed to be put away, and they can stay there for weeks,

he's driving me insane.

Again, if I say anything, I'm moaning.

I think he's being quite disrespectful.

Please help me.

I do.

Shall I file for a divorce?

Please keep me in on, although my friends will definitely know it's me.

Well, there's only one man on this planet who puts the tea in.

I think it's weird when people put, like, milk in first.

Oh, yeah.

We are behaving that.

Yeah, but is that not the...

No, I don't do that.

But is that not, like, the etiquette to do?

Like, if you have all the kind of, like, the proper stuff and you brew your tea in the teapot,

etiquette is to put in the milk first, then the tea.

I need you to verify that.

How would the queen make tea?

Here we go.

Yeah, her butler revealed steps to prepare a royal cup of tea.

Number one, pour the tea into the cup from a teapot.

Yeah.

Add the milk to the cup after the tea.

I'm talking after these bollocks.

That's bollocks, am I having it?

Oh, am I having it?

No, one puts only cereal killers, put the milk in first.

This is just the recent queen.

Queens before that would do it the other way.

I'm sure of it.

So, do we think the fella's being disrespectful, or no?

Back to the question.

Do you know what?

I think some of these little quits, she probably...

That's what she probably liked about him in the first term they met.

She'd be like, oh, he's so cute though.

He makes a cup of tea nine years later.

She's like, fucking can't stand those little quits.

Yeah, those things that are quite quirky at the start, great over time.

But you haven't got any of those?

Well, you love my tea that I make for you.

I love your tea, yeah?

But those kind of annoying habits that you might have found endearing at first.

Well, I think that's unbelievable.

I don't think anyone shakes the tea to kind of get it stronger.

Well, I put my tea bag kind of against the side.

Do you need to get more strength?

You squeeze it in.

Or squeeze your bag.

I hate it when people put tea bags in the sink.

Yeah.

That is...

But you can squeeze it too much, and then it comes...

Split.

It splits, or the tea becomes thick.

Do you know what I mean?

Like a thick tea.

I want mine to be almost watery.

Interesting.

It's strange that it's a very English thing, isn't it, tea?

Like, when you go abroad, you really can't get a good cup of tea really, can you?

Yeah, well, they never bring you milk, do they?

Because they have different water abroad as well, and they like hard water and all that.

London's got shit water.

Where can you get a cup of tea?

Like England's about the best for tea, though, isn't it?

Sheffield, you just got a good cup of tea in Sheffield.

Yorkshire's the best for tea, isn't it?

Yeah, Yorkshire's it.

Yorkshire.

It's that way.

Now, Yorkshire tea.

Yorkshire tea's the one.

Tetley's up there.

Babe, we haven't had Tetley for years until you bought it yesterday.

And let's move on.

I think Adrian Moll could be a potentially a serial killer.

If he's shaking his tear around like a madman.

Dear Pete and Auntie Ab, my girlfriend and I split up two weeks ago.

Her reasons were that the spark had died.

She said she loves me and cares so much for me.

Our life and love, our home, our banter is perfect.

But the connection has fizzled out and she just wants to work on her stuff.

I'm willing to work on us no matter what it takes,

but she's already been on a date with a guy twice in a day.

I saw them having coffee and I felt my heart shatter.

Am I just better off on my own or do I hold up hope that she realises her loss?

Thanks to your advice, Anonymous.

Cut your losses there, I think.

Oh, that's, that's, that's.

It's a killer, that is it?

Yeah.

So she's, everything's perfect.

Like he's obviously a really nice guy.

Still loves her.

She's just not feeling the spark.

It's not good, is it?

I don't think.

Yeah, but I think Anonymous sees the best policy in this song, you know.

Because she's not wasting much time.

Two weeks.

She's obviously been thinking about that for a while and gone off.

So she's walking the dog, I think, purchasing a flat in Richmond.

Not really doing that.

Can't believe that, actually.

My heart shattered and you say that.

Yeah, well, it's a tough one being heartbroken, isn't it?

But you know, you can't force love.

You just can't and you can't fake love.

Someone's always going to get hurt,

the one who's like pretending to be in love with someone.

Yeah, that's a killer, that's an absolute killer,

but she's probably done the right thing.

I don't know.

Things could have taken a real time for the worse.

But the thing is, he sounds like he's spying on her, though.

Yeah.

That's not good behaviour, is it?

No, because he's peeping, really.

Yeah, yeah.

Caught a fella peeping.

He's got a fucking fan, my friends, I know, or something, honey.

What's that, huh?

Like that iPhone thing.

Oh, yeah.

But I don't know what I feel for him.

It's a tough one, that, you know, I feel for you, mate.

But I feel like you need to kind of, you need to move on.

Yeah.

Everything happens for a reason, and he will find...

I believe there's someone for everyone.

Yeah, move on, mate.

And do you know what?

Sometimes that you could become more attractive

when you're kind of doing your own thing, I think.

Yeah, but that's not good advice.

Why?

Because that's game-playing.

No, no, he's not playing the game.

I think you should forget about it.

No, that goes down to the thing.

Do your own thing.

But if she kind of like sees him out with, you know,

it's shallow hell, isn't it?

Yeah.

Shallow hell.

Do you remember?

He was trying to get his next little neighbor for ages,

and then he was like with other girls,

and then she was like, oh, God, a man of mystery.

And that kind of...

Yeah, because some people, some girls find it,

or some people find it unattractive

when someone's so available and is really into them,

which I just think is bonkers,

because, you know, that's what we all want, isn't it?

Someone who's...

But a lot of girls feel like that.

And now we've talked about it before,

like the Vin Diesel, Vin Diesel, Kate.

Yeah, bad, bad guy.

And that was when you stated that you love Vin Diesel.

I do not.

All girls love a bad boy, I think was the quote.

Yeah, we do, which is ridiculous.

I bought a bad boy.

Don't ever get a bad boy.

You don't get a bad boy.

I could be bad.

I could be real bad.

If you want me to be.

Get back in your cage.

But you can call me back if you want.

You're making my cage.

All right, then, should we move on?

Let's move on, honey.

Okay, hi, Pete and Abby.

I love listening to the podcast and watching it on YouTube.

I have a work friend who I naturally have become close to,

and I've even asked her to become a bridesmaid.

However, I feel like she never wants to see me outside of work.

I feel like a burden.

And it's always me asking you to do something

to which she once replied,

yeah, can do it.

Oh, sorry.

She once replied, yeah, can do.

It upsets me and annoys me.

What shall I say?

Abby, I wish you could be my friend.

Love you both.

I'll be a friend.

I think you've got to resign yourself to the fact

that this is a colleague and not a friend, unfortunately.

They can be quite different.

If someone says to you, right,

if someone said to me,

oh, should we organise a game of golf next week?

I could do.

Can do.

But that's what you say to me, babe.

Should we go out next week?

Could do.

Could do.

Well, you won't like, but we could.

No, but that's what that means, isn't it?

Yeah.

That's such a twatty answer.

Could do.

That's what I mean.

Yeah, sometimes I find myself just like,

so, oh, yeah, we do this and that,

and I'm like, yeah, I'll be great.

I'll be great.

And then I've had no intention of doing that.

You know, it's almost as harsh

like saying no to someone,

because my dad says it to me all the time.

I'll be like, hey, dad, I'm like, dad, do you want to come?

I was like, we're doing my Christmas Day.

Like, dad, do you want to come to us?

Christmas, oh, no, I can't be arsed with all that.

It's too much faff.

But you know a lot, at least that's...

And you know, I was filming in Cheshire the other day,

and obviously my dad lives in Liverpool,

and I haven't seen him for a few months.

And I'm like, hey, dad, do you want to come and be in RLR in Cheshire?

Do you want to come and see us?

And he just said, no.

He said, oh, no, I can't be arsed doing that

all the way up to Manchester.

I'm like, dad...

Don't respect that, I think.

I'm like, dad, it's half an hour.

Come and meet us through the...

Oh, no.

Drive all the way there.

Won't even be able to have a drink.

Drive all the way back.

Forget that.

I'm seeing you next month in Crouch Fest, anyway.

I'm like...

I quite like that, though.

I think that makes you know where you stand.

Straight, you know where you stand.

But I wouldn't have the...

Ow!

It's straight.

I wouldn't have the gut...

Stop, stop, stop.

Wish I was a bit more like that.

You're the worst.

You say, yeah, to everyone,

and then I have to pick up all the pieces.

And then you blame me.

He blames me.

Yeah, but you're pretty bad as well.

Like, you are bad.

And then you like to pull out kind of on the day.

It's how you're feeling on that particular day.

Yeah, but I like...

We'll organise it for two weeks, and it'll be like...

Because I want to make people happy.

Yeah, but it's worse if you pull out on the day, isn't it?

Much worse.

People have made plans.

I think it's bad to pull out if you're...

If there's only like a couple of years on the mail,

but if it's like a full group.

It's fine.

You fuckers.

Do we have any advice for this girl?

Do we have any advice for her?

I can't even remember the freaking question.

Yeah.

Well, it was basically...

She won't come at this girl.

It's a colleague, and she keeps seeing her at work.

They have a great time at work.

She keeps inviting her outside of work,

and she's basically pying her.

I think you need to resign yourself to the fact that...

She's asked her to be a bridesmaid as well.

How do you get to that point

if you've never done anything outside of the work,

where you asked her to be a bridesmaid?

Oh, she's going to be a bridesmaid if she's...

Yeah, she's going to be a bridesmaid.

Can do.

Could do.

Could do.

Think about that all the time.

I said I'm here.

I said to her, I'm here.

Will you marry me?

Could do.

We said there is could do, right?

Could do means I could do, but I won't.

You're basically not just leaving out, but I won't.

Could do.

I'm going to put him down.

But I won't.

I'm going to put him down.

You're going to put him down.

No, I'm going to put him down.

I'm going to put him down.

I'm going to put him down on the floor,

because I think he needs a little way, way, front.

That breaks my heart, though.

Does he go?

I get a new friend.

That's not a real friend.

That's a colleague.

But, you know, friends are supposed to go.

Oh, my God.

This is not happening.

This is not happening right now.

Do you want to explain for our listeners who can't?

Oh, my God.

So, my dog has just...

So, know that going back to the question,

you're going to put the dog down?

Yes, I am.

The dog has just knocked over a full glass of Rivena

on my white silk rug.

So, this wouldn't have happened

if you didn't get the dog?

I am actually going to have to pause this,

seriously, because that's just going to go...

I hate to say I told you so.

Thanks for listening to The Therapy Crouch today.

We've had a disappointing end to it,

but I hate to say I told you so.

I just want to do this, seriously.

This is not very...

Why do you think this is funny?

Oh, my God.

This shouldn't even be allowed to get wet.

Oh, for God's sake.

I wasn't even allowed in here a few weeks ago,

and now the dog's in here spilling Rivena.

All right, we'll catch you next week, kids.

Please play responsibly.

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