The Therapy Crouch: Calm Down, Calm Down

Therapy Crouch Therapy Crouch 4/11/23 - 1h 9m - PDF Transcript

I can make you lovely

Not anymore, you're a strong six now

I've got big ties towards Liverpool, loads of friends there

But you lot say some bad things

Hi and welcome to The Therapy Crouch with me, Avi Clancy

And me, Peter Crouch

So we've had a few complaints about how we move on this part

We're going to now reference the new mics

Yeah, so I can't

Obviously I'm quite expressive with my hands when I talk

As am I

As I was wiggling my mic everywhere

But now we've got these mics, which I think is even worse

I don't know, like when I've got the mic in my hand

I just flap it down and do this

And I think it's better for your listening experience

To enjoy this hands-free

So we're doing it hands-free and it's not bad for us

So you better fucking like it

Can you still hear me over there?

Roger that, Roger that

How's the weekend, babe, for you?

I'm exhausted, actually

After Mother's Day

Such a lovely Mother's Day, didn't we?

It all went perfectly, didn't it?

I've really produced this year

So we've had a nice week, you went to Cheltenham

I did, yeah

He had one...

So there's one thing to say, it's just text me when you get there

And text me when you're on your way home

Just so we know he's alive

And it was the only thing he didn't do

It's difficult because you go...

We've got a lovely box there

And I arrived and I was incredibly excited

And you see the buzz of the crowd

And I just got caught up in it all

And I thought, oh my god, I've just arrived, babe

And then it was obviously two hours later

I've already watched two races

It's a bit hurtful that it's kind of like out of sight, out of mind

It wasn't like that

When you're away from me, you just go wild

Not at all, not at all

Excited, not wild

You went a little bit race day jack that day, didn't you?

There's only one day you can be...

I don't go to a lot of racing

I was a race day jack

I went Charlie bananas

We got a helicopter

And we arrived

So you can see why I wanted him to text me on arrival

And text me on the other end

Because I was so worried about it

I don't like helicopters

And I was so anxious and worried

Yeah, with hindsight

I feel terrible about that

Because I should have let you know that I was safe and sound

Luckily I got the wheel done before you left

So that was fine

You didn't tamper with any blades, did you?

I knew I'd be sweet one way or another

Probably sweeter


Lots of ways

Okay, alright

So did you win any races?

I did loads of homework

We had loads of people with us who had done their homework

We had lots of things structured

We were going to bat on and then none of them came in

Apart from the one where everyone said this is a lottery

And I picked because it was called...

It was Ad Johnny and it's name

Can you not remember the name of it?

My boy Johnny wasn't it?

Not my boy Johnny, no

That's sentimental too

We can't even remember the name

I knew Johnny was in it

Johnny was in the title

Johnny was in the title

And he was my boy

So I'm right, I'm on this

And it came in at 9-1

So that saved the day really

But we had a great day anyway

I love going to Cheltenham

It's a great day out

The boys were very excited

And we had a fun time

I actually got invited to that

By the way

But you just didn't tell me

Not in our group

I love you

I thought you were going to come to Cheltenham

You were invited

And I was like, was I?

I think Ascot's more your vibe

If I'm honest

I actually prefer to ride horses

Than watch them

So I've actually got back in the saddle

This week

And I've been so happy

All week

Before I had Sophia

I used to ride every day

5 years

With the kids

We moved up north

So I couldn't go to the stables every day

I used to ride with Tony Terry

Who's the most incredible rider

She's proper pro

She's just incredible to watch

What is the thing

When you have kids you become more nervous about riding

What's happened to you?

I just think

If you fell off this horse

Do you see a baby?

I don't know I was just so scared

Having been going there every day

For 5 years of my life

To nothing

But now my little girl

And boy I've been doing horse riding lessons

On a weekend

And I was just gagging to get in the saddle

So I actually sat on this pony

That they've got both feet

With touch on the ground

It's like poor horse

I'm doing my own lessons

That's great

They tried to get me on the horse

I've been on 4 horses in my life

And thrown off 3 times

I think we've discussed this before

But it's just something about me

I reckon that they just go no way

Is that thing getting on me

And they just go fucking mental

Why is this camel trying to get on me?

Why is a camel trying to get on me?

Why is a giraffe trying to get on me?

We have discussed this last week

We did

I won't be getting on any horses

Any time soon

But I love going there, it's a nice day out

It's not like riding a bike though

And I actually felt like age

No, I know it's not a bike

A bike's not going to throw you off

That's my thing

A motorbike would

I've seen someone get thrown off a motorbike


It's an animal

It's got a brain

Like a bike hasn't got a brain

If it just goes

I'm having a bad day, get off

Like a bike's not going to do that

That's my only concern with it

It's a living thing

Because I was like, oh my god

I haven't been on the horse for 10 years

And she was like, it's like riding a bike

I got on it, absolutely not

15 years have passed

My knees don't bend like they used to

Because I walk with my feet turned out

Which is a horrible thing that I do

And I hate the way I walk

My feet are like

Like a penguin

They're not flat

They're not flat

But the toes just go out

My dad does it as well

And even when I stand there straight

My feet are always turned out

I absolutely hate it

So when I'm in a position where I have to keep my toes straight

My knees hurt

So when my feet were in the stirrups

And I had to keep my knees straight

It really hurt me

I get used to this

I get used to it again, yeah

Have you got any wines this week?

Yeah, I have

Have you?

I'm surprised at that

Fucking Mother's Day

Mother's Day

I've never felt more like a mum

My entire life than on Mother's Day

So I got up at six with the kids

Yes to a cup of tea but

It's two sides for this story

It's not the point

I'll say mine

Obviously I was saying

Because I know that

I wasn't too pleased with it

Go on, you do yours first

Because I'm interested in yours

If I do mine, can you not bite into my


You promised me you're not going to bite in

Is this your wine?

It's my wine

How can you wine at me on Mother's Day?

I'm not whining

Did you think of your wine

When you were lying on the couch

Watching the menu game

Is that when you came up with your wine

No while I was emptying the dish

This doesn't feel like you're not biting in

Sorry, I'm just curious

Would you like to start the wine?

You've already started so you might as well finish

No, go on


My wine is

When does it end?

There's no

You don't know the hours of

Is it the entire day

It ends on the 15th

What's the date?

You can't be a slave the entire day

There needs to be some sort of

Where do you go?

Obviously I'm up early

I was making cards with the kids at six o'clock

You were obviously still in bed

Which I wanted you to be

Because I was waiting in bed for the whole

Rigmarole of the cards

We made the cup of tea

We brought a little cake

We had all the kids making cards

Obviously I brought one, we got the flowers

And then we all brought them up

I ordered my own flowers

Anyway, so we all come up

We do a nice morning

We come downstairs

I took the kids out

You wouldn't let me cook the dinner

You wouldn't let me cook the dinner

Because you were actually filming me hoovering

Do you remember that?

So you were full of shit

I said you shouldn't be hoovering on Mother's Day

So instead of taking the hoover off me

And going I'll help you, you just filmed me

I filmed her

I had the Dyson on full blast

I felt like this is ridiculous

I was filming her going

This is not how you should behave on Mother's Day

You should be in bed

She's like tidying around

You were cleaning everywhere

How do I stop that?

If she wants to do that

I can't physically

Drag you away

I want the house spotless

I'm preparing dinner for 15 people

For some reason

My brother bailed

Who would normally help me with the dinner

So it was really stressful

Because he was too busy getting a tattoo

Of a flying prawn on his arm



I had to do everything

And when people arrive

I want everywhere to look nice

And to be as nice as possible

And you don't understand it

I tried to make her have a lovely day


I came back

He was like I thought you were supposed to be in the spa

Today anyway


But you didn't book it

You suggested it and then didn't book it

I thought you had that in hand

Because by the time I tried to book it

It was fully booked

It should have been in the spa

It was a lovely day

It was a lovely table

Feel appreciated

Oh no

Every other mother

No but you made a lovely dinner

I was trying to help loads

And I took the kids out

So you could do it

And then I came back

And then I sat on the cat

We had a lovely dinner

I cleared it away as well

I did

You brought your own plate over

I was in the fucking loft

Getting candles out and everything

I got the candles out of the loft


What I'm saying is

It's like all day

And then the match was on

And all the boys were there

We sat down and watched the match

Every time you came over

This is how it's going to go

There's three matches on Mother's Day

I didn't watch any

Apart from one


Can I just rewind there

Whilst I made him as full English

On Mother's Day morning

He was watching a match of the day

And I've got video evidence of this

Do you remember that?

This is where I'm saying this

Where does it end? Are you not allowed to watch any football Mother's Day?

You're not allowed to do anything

That makes you happy

I watch so many men at football

And watching football

They are all single

They still be single

They almost have no kids or mums

They're all orphans

They're all single orphans

I know they're just going to throw this out there as well

This is something

Single orphans

All them single orphans

Hang around football matches on Mother's Day

I'm going to throw this out there

You're not going to like this either

But you are also not my mum

And it's as harsh as that sounds

You know, the kids fucked up

Not me

But I'm a mum because of you

So you should

You should be thankful for

I listen

I am joking about it

It's fine actually, you're going around with all the single orphans

I appreciate you

I genuinely mean this

I really, really appreciate you

Everything you do for us

Rosie Huntington got Jessica McCormack

She must be amazing to her husband

She must be amazing

Okay, so you're basically saying

I'm not good to you

So that's why I don't get a good Mother's Day

No, I'm joking

You're incredible

For me and our family and the kids

And we don't even deserve you

And I mean that

He was like, when I was cooking dinner

He said, we should have just got a chef in for this

We shouldn't be doing all of this on Mother's Day

Whilst I was head to Towing

Bloody Carrington Turner

Carrington Turner

Stuffed by the time I had my own dinner

Because I've been testing it the whole day

I'm just not a very good chef

I just don't enjoy my own food

I enjoy it

It was lovely, honestly

I think that's the best meal you've ever made

I know, it was that actually

I'm joking, I actually enjoy


I absolutely love it

I love that our house

Is the go-to hub for our whole family

I'm friends

And I love having people over

And having nice food and a few drinks

And all the kids were playing

It was such a lovely day

It really was


I'm going to do lessons

Or something in roast dinnering

A roast is one of the easiest things

Can you tell the time?

Why don't I make it with you

In the next time Sunday

I can tell the time

Because it's all about

Everything just goes in the oven

And it's just about the timings

That's why I was like, Pete, what's 45 times 3?

Yes, I was good at that

I was involved in that

Okay, let me make one

Next Sunday, I'm going to do a roast

And we'll see how we get on

I just don't know if it's worth it

Because of the mess

If you don't let me express myself

Then you can't ever go at me for

For not making it

You're holding me back


I've got a few audience wines

Here as well

And I do like these as well

Because I think it relates

To us as well

My partner takes

The last and often best bite

Of food when we go out eating together

Or makes me order something

That you don't really want

So you can share

Does this relate to me

And you?

That's just part of life, isn't it?


She'll try and order

For me

Because she wants to taste

Of both meals

We both do it to each other

You did it to me the other day

I've done it a couple of times

But you've done it throughout

What I do which really annoys me

Is if we're going to McDonald's

Drive through or something

That is nothing worse

Nothing worse

And then eat three quarters of the Big Mac


No way I'm eating this

I'm on a diet

I'm on a diet or whatever

I'm going to get a burger

But you can't have any of it

That's fine

And then we get in and straight away

You have the first three bites

I'm not even the last one

I know, it is annoying on both

It's annoying on both parts

But I just think that's something

That can't be ever be helped or changed

I think it can

I think it can

No, because I don't want a whole one

I just want a half

Yeah, but I want a whole one

You should order two then

No, but you should order one

And then have a few bites

No, because then I'll eat the whole thing

And when I don't want to eat it

I've got no willpower when it comes to food

It's not good that

But it's not going to change now

When you go for a meal

Sometimes you want a little

The thought of having like

There's nothing worse than food, Embi

It's like the worst

That's why I like getting like a few starters

Everyone who knows me right

Knows that I'm a soup connoisseur

I adore a soup

It's ridiculous what I do

I'll have it everywhere

I'll have a soup to start with some bread

And I'm a big fan of it

The worst, obviously the first

Little taste of roasting hot soup

Is spectacular

But the moment it lands

On my table

It's gone

And I'm sitting there going oh this looks so nice

It looks so lovely

And you do like five, six

It's the worst when you're around

And you butter bread and dip it in

So I've only got like two bits of bread

It's gone straight away

It's the bread eating

That's the way she don't mind if someone takes a little spoon full of your soup

But once they start taking your bread

And butter to go with it

But also I feel like

The swiping of the soup

Is a bit much like

If you lean over and so I've still got it

I know it's still mine

It's in front of me and you just go

I have a little bit of it and I go that's fine

Don't take the piss but

It's the whole fact that

If you lean over to your side

You've got like some chicken wings

The kids are the worst

Because if you ask them can you have a bit of their food

They'll always say no

And they'll have like a whole pizza

Or whatever the dish is

And then

You're not going to eat all that

It's nice and hot and when they let you have it

It's like freezing cold

That's the worst

Or the fact that

Every time I make a meal for the kids

I don't want that

And then we'll make a dinner for ourselves

And then we'll make it for us

And they'll sit on my knee and eat my whole dinner

And it drives me insane

I'm like if I made you this

You would never

They'll be in the playroom playing

And I'll think well I've got a window of opportunity

Where I can have a packet of crisps

Or a little slice of chocolate

And I'll go in there

And it's the moment

I open the cupboard

I've got like four

Little creatures

Peeking at me

Eight eyes

What are you doing dad?

I'll go fuck off

I just want a bag of crisps

I want some hula hoops on my own

And then you've got all the little hands going in

Piss off

It drives me mad

They literally take everything



I'll get you on that one

I've got one more wine here

This is a good one as well

This one's about making a lot of noise

When one of the people is getting up for work early

Slamming doors, singing in the shower

When you don't need to be up for another hour

I don't do that

And neither do you

No I'm like a mouse

You're quite loud

But if I have to go

To work earlier than you

Then the light's on

The hairdryer's on

The makeup's

It's a full on like

It's broad daylight in the whole room

And the hairdryer's on

You just get dressed and walk out

You don't even look in the mirror

I get dressed in the dark


Do you know the other thing

Just while we're on this subject

Is that hairdryer right

You drag it over to where the mirror is

So I literally first thing in the morning

I jump

To get anyone near my clothes

I either have to limbo the wire

Or jump over it

And I have to go back and forth

It's so annoying

It's like the krypton factor

It's like Takeshi's castle

I'm thinking

If I catch it

It's not the high jumpers

At least they land onto a mat

And the bar falls off with me

It's certain death

The tongs might burn you alive

Or they could get wrapped around something


Unless if I don't get that jump right in the morning

It all helps to break those

This goes back to like

When we built our own house

We did naturally make an area

To do our hair and makeup

Which is ridiculous

The plugs should be on that side

Why is it down there

There is one on that side but it's behind the draw

And in fact I can't

Doubt on the wake top

Do you know what else is behind this draw

Or mirror as it is now

The heating in the bedroom

Because no one can get anywhere near it


It's absolutely freezing in there now

No one can go anywhere near it

Because it's behind a mirror

So not only am I

Pole vaulting over a wire

I'm also freezing

Because I can't get to the heating

Can you use those tongs to warm your hand


I'm literally going near the tongs

To warm my hand

I know it is a poor design

Okay so I think that concludes

The wines really

I enjoyed that, I think we've got a lot off our chest

I'm going to be better mother's day because you deserve it

I'm going to make the roast

I'm not going to watch any football

It's not about you watching football

Or not doing anything

It's just annoying

That mums have one day a year

Fuck off

Are you joking? No

How many days are there now

It's a joke

Anniversaries are for you

Valentine's for you

For me or for women in general

Mother's day

International women's day

I saw recently

There's a lot of days out there

I think I do make a fuss


You say to me I have one day a year

But there's a lot of days

As a woman you do joke and go

It would be nice to just

Pull the stops out the bag

It doesn't have to be materialistic

Things at all

You told me I haven't pulled the stops out recently

With lots of things that I've done

For Mother's Day

I'm only talking about Mother's Day

I'm not talking about life

Mother's Day

Because I've had four kids

By the way

So it needs to be four times better than


Why am I far chest?

Talked about high maintenance

Didn't mean the last podcast

No, it's not that

That's exactly what I'm trying to say

It's not like a high maintenance thing

It would just be nice to be appreciated

And recognised

You are appreciated


Appreciate you

Right, well babe

I don't know, I've got a bit hairy

I hope you know I appreciate you

No, because it's

I'm being serious now, joking aside

It's not nice to be called high maintenance

Because you just want a little bit of a surprise


I'll bear that in mind

I'm not chasing to this

Unless this is resolved

Because I don't feel like it is

Because the whole point of the weekly wine

I've been getting loads of listeners

Messaging me


Instagram and our website

About how this weekly wine club has really helped them

Like they sit down

And talk about the problems of the little glass of wine

It's over and done with

But if it's not over and done with

It's completely pointless

Let's wait and see kind of what the reaction is here


I'm sure there'll be lots of women

Saying my husband was useless

This and that, but I'd like to hear from

It's not a men hating podcast this by the way

No, but I'd like to hear from lots of men

Listen to it as well, I'd like to hear their point of view

You know

Is it acceptable to be able to watch the football

You know, where do you go, do you have to make the dinner

You know, what are the rules and boundaries

Okay, shall we move on from Mother's Day?

Let's move on, yeah, cheers

So do you know what you need to do?

Shot my balls off

And hand them to you

On a platter

A little bit of bray

Since doing this podcast getting loads of people messaging

Saying Pete sounds skelse

Just because I'm hanging around with you lots so much

But when I first met you, you had a brummy accent?

It's adaptable, I've moved around so many places

South coast, London

South coast is the west side

I grew up in London, right?

West London

And I don't know what

There's certain things that like words that you say

That I laughed at first that now I say

And we're getting into that on this podcast today

I love Liverpool as a city, I absolutely love it

I like the people are so friendly

They're so welcoming towards me

Your family's been incredibly welcoming towards me

And obviously I love you

So I've got big ties towards Liverpool

Loads of friends there

But you lot say some bad things

So people down south think I'm incomprehensible

But in Liverpool they think I'm so posh now

Yeah, you're considered quite posh up there

Yeah, because there are different

There are various levels of strengths of the Scouse accent

But if you north end or south end

The accent does differ

Yeah, no, I think there's definitely the bigger strength of the Scouse accent

Without a doubt

You don't sound, I don't hear it on you at all now

But people then come up to us and go like, oh my god, like

This is really Scouse, but you're not

In this scheme of things

My dad's so Scouse, isn't he?

My dad's friends

But I just wanted to drill down on a few of the words, if you don't mind

Because when I first went up to Liverpool

I saw some things that I thought that doesn't happen anywhere else

What do you mean? Like what?

When I was driving to Melwood one day

And I remember seeing on a Saturday before a game

That women in rollers

Hair rollers?

Hair rollers, like walking down the road

I don't know, I've not seen it before

From myself, I haven't seen it before

Yeah, because there are a lot of differences

There are a lot of differences between like north, northern and southern girls I think

Because I remember years ago, like in the early 90s

When my mum went for a night out in London

And she said she had these incredible suede pointy stilettos on

With all like diamonds up the back

And she had a big maxi dress onto the floor

And all the girls were in like jeans and t-shirts

And that's fine, it's like different styles

But for Liverpool girls

They are renowned for being done up to death at all times

And take a lot of pride in the way they look

And they live to go out of a weekend

So I think I'm definitely more southern in that aspect now

Because I'm like literally like a tramp every day

Like gym stuff on jeans, I'm a lot more relaxed

But in Liverpool

That doesn't happen


They don't get done up, it's like any kind of meal

But I like that

Everything is an occasion

Which is great I think

And they spend the whole day getting ready

So you'll get your hair done, you'll get your curly blow in them on

The rollers are in all day

And you take them out the second before you go out at night

You know, that is just the thing

Absolutely gorgeous girls in Liverpool

I look similar to that as well

I think it's a northern thing in general actually

Newcastle as well


There's a couple of words like there's a few things that

You say

That aren't correct

Like lolly ice

I can't get on board with that

I love some of the Scouse phrases

I love them, they're amazing

But lolly ice is something that should never be said

You do say it though

I don't, I've never said that ever

So what do you say?

It's an iced lolly

So it's an iced lolly

Do you say iced?

It's not a lolly iced is it?

No but it's not an iced lolly

It's an iced lolly

An iced lolly, yeah

But what I'm saying is it's an iced lolly

Right, it's not a lolly iced

So it's an iced lolly

It's not a lolly iced

And it just rolls off the tongue better doesn't it?

Lolly ice

I can't believe you say lolly ice

And the kids are saying it

And I said I had to correct them

I said it's not lolly ice you know

Can I have a lolly ice?

And they said it is dad

I said no you've just been around your mum too

But they are half Scouse

So you're actually northern yourself

Thank you very much

Yeah I'm not

People's born in Macclesfield

So you could have been saying lolly ice

Would that make me a wall?


What do these say in Macclesfield for lolly ice?

They say ice pole

They say ice not ice pole

They'll say ice pole

Ice pole

What is the accent there?

It's just a normal accent


Yeah it's like the era of Manchester

People would say

Can I have an ice pole?

An ice pole

No one's ever said ice pole

If you say ice pole you

You'd say ice pole

It's not a lolly ice

It never will be

Only in Liverpool is it lolly ice

I could not believe it

Would you call an ice cream a lolly ice

Or just a lolly ice a lolly ice?

No lolly ice

An ice cream is an ice cream

What do you call an ice cream?

A ice cream

Cream ice


Do you say choc ice?

Yeah choc ice

So there we go

Point proven

Yeah but a choc ice is branded a choc ice

A lolly ice has never been a lolly ice

No one's ever called it that

Apart from people in Liverpool

Lolly ice

While we're on phrases right

A wall right

Okay woolly back

So I don't know how derogatory this is

You're a wall basically

I'm not a wall

But if you are a wall I apologise

But a wall to me is someone who's

Pretending to be a scouts

Who's on the outskirts like St Helens

Is that correct?

So basically Liverpool's its own entity

And it's its own space

So anyone who's basically not from Liverpool

Is a wall

But it's mainly directed at people

From the world

On the outskirts

On the outskirts of Liverpool

Trying to get into us

Not true scouts

But I've got loads of wall friends


The origin of the term woolly back

Comes from like you know

All the trade that went on in the port

And when people used to carry the wall

And bales on the back

And have like little bits of wall left on them

They were called woolly backs

So maybe you

They're coming into the

Into Liverpool

From a place where

They're carrying bales of hay

Into Liverpool

So so they've literally got a woolly back

Yeah but it wasn't hay

They were carrying it to wall

Oh it's wall

Hay back

Oh it's such a hay in



That's not what I meant

Not hay

Do you know the one that gets me right

Is the one in your phone

Where you go through

And anyone who's in your family

Is under R John

R Ross

R Fran


So I know you say it like

It's like R family

But in your phone if you go into it

Anyone in your family is under the letter R


For R Fran

R John

R Ross

Explain that

I don't know

I think it's just because

Family is a lot of people in Liverpool

And like I grew up with all my cousins

Aunties, uncles, nann

Around me on a daily basis

And you know it's very inclusive in that way

And I just think you're always like

Oh R Fran

R Ross

I think it's nice

I'm not like

I think it's nice

Because even you

People say like

Mum said

Or Dad said

Dad wants us to go out tonight

Why didn't that accident happen?

Why do you have to do that accident?

I don't know

Dad said looked at me

At around 7.30 tonight

I would never say that

Why am I posh now?

You're not posh

But the way you're saying it

You're going like

Dad said

Dad thought it was

Dad thought

That film was hilarious

I would never say

Dad or Mum

I'd say me Mum

Or me Dad

So it's kind of

I don't know

Making everything yours

And like

More units maybe

I think it's like

It's different to what you do

In any other walk of life


You are like

It's going to be famous for shortening

Absolutely everything

My name is Peter right

I thought Pete was short enough

But it's not

Your dad calls me P

Right so

The shortest name in the dictionary really






You know everything's like

Even shorter

So that doesn't make any sense

Like when it's Fran

To be our friend

You now lengthening words

Just contradictory

No because it's just when you're talking

About someone who's

Who you love I guess

Yeah okay

That makes good sense

Yeah someone that you love is

I've never heard you say

Oh my Mum called

I would say to you

My Mum's just called

No you wouldn't

You say Mum

Mum's just called

I wouldn't say that

Dad's just been on the blower

Dad's just been on the blower

Dad's just been on the dog and bow

Mum's just ran up the apples and pear


I hate it when people just say Mum

Mum said

It has to be my Mum

My Dad

If I said

My Mum's just called

He's gone

My Mum's just called me

My Mum's just called

Our Sarah's

Our Sarah's

Or something like that

Yeah you don't say our Sarah

Of course you're not

I'd say

My Mum's

My mother's just called me

I'd say

This is what I would say

No jokes I would say

My Mum's just called

What's wrong with that?

My Mum's just called

I don't even like the use of my

It's got to be me hasn't it


My Mum's just called

Me Mum

Me Me Mum

My Mum

Our Sarah's

I'd just say

Sarah's called

You'd say

Our Sarah


That's true

I'd say

Our Sarah

It's not like Sarah down the road

Sarah a work with

Yeah okay yeah


Yeah you say

Our yeah okay

Okay that makes sense

Well done

Well done

I've got some belters here

I don't know if you want me to

Read them out

Yeah I do

One that you say a lot



I want to know if antwacky

Was a natural person

So basically

It's not a


Have you seen how it's spelt


It's not antwacky is it

No but

I know that

I'm not completely fucking stupid

I'm not completely stupid

I was just


No but where it's

Derived from

I was wondering if there was

A woman called


It feels like

It feels like it's

That's an olden day word

I would say

So antwacky

Is what

Scousers use to describe

Someone who's old fashioned

Always got no style

Or a bit outdated

So when I first met Peter

I couldn't believe it

I was like

Do you like him

And I was like




And antwacky


He's nice

So he's a bit antwacky

You wouldn't class me as antwacky


I'm not antwacky am I

Not anymore

Not anymore

You're a strong six now


It is a good word

But what

It's a strange word isn't it

It reminds me of like a vintage

Yes I'm saying

It's like a vintage

It's old

Yeah look

Northern English it's written


Informal Northern English

Like the rest of the words

Yeah basically

Scouser dictionary

Old fashioned out of date

Out of date

Where does it come from

The origin antwack

Is used to refer to something

Or someone who's old fashioned

Or out of date

It's origin is linked

Link to the word antique

And in all probability

The word came about

Pronouncing the word antique


As most Scousers do

Shut up

Because when Pete asked me

Like what does antwacky mean

And I was like

It's like out of date

Old fashioned

And then he was like

Going in the fridge

Babe is this meat antwacky

I never said that

I did that away

You did once

I was like that's not how you use it


He's like babe is this steak antwacky

I'm like what are you talking about

Now we're the Scousers blood

My favourite Scousers words

Try new

It's a form of

It's like cockney

Like cockney

There's a lot of words in like cockney

That are similar like shortened

Or you know cockney rhyming slang

There's a lot of slang involved isn't there

No one takes a piss out of them

Do they

Do they

Well they don't sound as funny do they

Do you know what

I love the Scouser accent

And I miss it

Like every time I hear it

I do love it

No I listen

I love it

And I think it's


It's very creative

Irish and Jordy

And Scottish actually

My favourite accents


I'm just thinking of you doing my accent

It's hilarious

You because you haven't gone

This is our girl

I can't believe

The levels of disrespect

The level of disrespect is phenomenal

Even Sophia does

All the kids do it as well

It's just droney

But I suppose like

If a giraffe

If a giraffe spoke

That'd be the voice

It wouldn't be

It wouldn't be a quick

Like if a monkey could talk

It'd be like quick and probably Scous

But a giraffe wouldn't have like

A quick

Animated accent

It'd be quite like that

Wouldn't it

It's the gormless face

It's the gormless face as well isn't it

It's the gormlessness of the face

I think I'm finding offensive

But you don't do it when you're punting

So it's only me who has to suffer with it

Like when you're on telly

She doesn't real suffer

But what about you when you're going

Ah Fran and up the Aussie

And we're going twacky

What about I'm on suffering

It's so funny because

Before our kids start school

There's so Scouse

Because they're with me

Like in the house of the day

And I'm speaking to them

All day

Like Sophia used to be in the high chair

And be like I'm stuck

I'm stuck

Yeah she did

She'd want to get out

Be like I'm stuck

And Jack says me now doesn't he

He's got my car

He's got my dinosaur

Yeah it's good

And then they kind of go to their posh

Sorry school

And it gets walloped out of them

Yeah when I used to go to like

Melbourne and stuff

And you see the kids outside

Like if you'd scored on the weekend

You'd do a few autographs

And it was like ah go head

Crouchy lad

They'd be like you're boss are you


Boss that last

Like boss and go head

Do it properly

Because you can do it

You Scouse accent

You are good at it

It's been a while now

Don't know how I feel

I'm under pressure now

Don't be under pressure

Oh your eyebrows twitching

You can do this

Your eyebrows just been twitching

Is it? It's nerves

Is that because you're in the room

With three Scousers

Yeah yeah I feel under pressure

Go on do it

What do you want me to say?


Just say

Babe do you want me to book you into a

Spa next Mother's Day

And cook all the dinner for you

When you get home

Babe do you want to book me

Into the Spa next week

Shall I book you in the Spa next week

Fucking hell

Fuck sake lad

We don't all swear you know

You do

Spare a lot

I know I do

No fucking thing

Fucking hell

But there are

Stronger accents

But mine

What does it mean to you

Like the place



The thing I love most about Liverpool

Is like the centre community

You know for me growing up

I was always surrounded

By family, aunties, uncles, cousins

And it was like a weekly thing

Like everyone would always get together

Actually most nights after school

You'd be going round to each other's house

Haven't you

And then together on the weekends

It's like

I think it's quite unusual in that sense

I found when I signed for Liverpool

It was like

If you're in

You're in

You're in

And if anyone

And if you're out

You're out


Literally like that

And I think when you are in

It's such a sense of like


Like you feel like you're

Everything just well looks after all the time

Like when I didn't score for ages

In that moment

I felt the whole love from the city

You know

Like it was like everyone else was having to go at me

But it was like I had

So many people behind me

You had to go saw me behind you

Having my back

Yeah and it did feel like that

And I don't feel like I've ever come out of that

I felt like

I feel like almost like an adopted scouser

Like I feel like whenever I go back there

People are so friendly to me

And like will always look after me

And you know I often go out with

Your dad for a beer

And stuff like that

And everyone's just so welcome in

And it's like

You know come in here

Or we look after you

And they're just all looking

And it feels like

I'm getting looked after all the time

You don't have that anywhere else

Which is an amazing quality to have

And considering it's such a small place as well

You know there's so many amazing things

To come out of it

Like obviously you've got

Liverpool, Neverton Football Club

You've got the Beatles

So many incredible musicians

Over the years

So much talent

You know it is

It is an amazing place

But for me what really stands out

Is that kind of

As you say I think scousers

Like have each other's back

Like when you're in

When you're in you're in

Yeah that's something that resonated with me

And like I say whenever I go back

I feel like

You know that's almost like a part of me now

You know I spent a few years there

At the club

And when you realise the size

Of the football club as well

And the size of the sort of

Like the passion for their football

It's like when I came from

I signed from Southampton

And I could walk around Southampton

And obviously people that know football know

Who you are and things like that

But then when you go to Liverpool

It's like everyone is just

So do you notice that

Like obviously you've played for

Tottenham, Norwich

Aston Villa

Well done babe that's three people



So would you say Liverpool stands out

To being quite unusual in that way

Yeah I just think because

It's like grandmas or

Five year olds

You know women, children, men

Whoever you are

Everyone knows about football

It's a football obsessed city


You know everyone has someone

In the family that goes to the game

They are incredibly passionate about it

And rightly so because the club

Has been so successful

Over the years

It's one of the best teams in the world

Without doubt

Liverpool that is not Evan by the way

Liverpool are not late as well

Says the blue nose over there

Toffee muncher

Is that what they get called?

Well they do now

I thought they were sort of

With Evan and Toffees

Yeah it was good babe

Toffee muncher

But I think what

What stands out is everything is

Based on centre humour

Like everyone takes the P out of each other

There's like fast wit

And humour in Liverpool

Like everyone's like a comedian I think

Yeah I've got to get into sort of like

The Chippies or you know

I would call them the fish and chip shop

Yeah because that's all you can get in London

Fish or chips? You don't even get a pot of curry

No you can get curry sauce

Not in everyone you can't eat

You wouldn't get gravy

Is that more a Manchester thing

Or is that

Curry chip balm

The word balm is mad as well

Balm cake? It was a balm

That's something you put on your lips to keep them from drying

So now you put on your itchy ass



Soothing balm

It's not something you put chips in

Ask Balm

What is curry chip balm?

But you have to have loads of butter

Also a balm cake

It's not a cake and it's not a balm

A balm is like it for anyone who doesn't know

It's just like a kind of a bap

It's not a roll

Is that I say a bacon roll and you would say

A bacon bap or a balm

I wouldn't say a bap

Bacon butty I'd say

Eat buttery as well yeah that's not

Sausage butty

That's not correct

If you're a fan of that

It's a stew where I'm from

A hot pot

You call it a hot pot up in Lancashire

Where you're from

Listen I was born

In Merckisfield

I think my grand and my mum would say

Hot pot

I think they would say hot pot

But I moved very quickly

And now I would call it

A stew

But you don't call it a stew

Because you say I'm making scouts

So obviously you know

I have to dumb down a bit don't I

Careful Pete

Careful Pete

Next time you're walking through Lark Lane

We'll be getting your head kicked in

Don't dish our local cuisine

Scouts is unreal

And the way you make it is amazing

Those dumplings

The braising steak in it

Carrots awesome

Well listen

That you're from Liverpool

And I feel proud that

I've been associated with Liverpool

And I know we don't live there anymore

But I want our kids to be involved in it

Because it's a big part of your life

It's a big part of my life

And I want them to feel

You know part of that as well

So we will always go back

And listen the terms are hilarious

Some of them and the ways

Are different

To lots of places but that's what makes it special


Shall we get into the

Some of the listener questions

Yeah Agonyab

Or Agonyab

She needs your help

Dear Agonyab

I need your help so I might be one of your older listeners

And I've been single for 20 plus years

I've lost my confidence a bit when it comes to love

But I'm over being alone

And I'm watching everyone floating through life

All loved up while I'm sat on the sidelines watching

Since I left my husband

I was well and truly off men

And until now I have completely neglected

The way I look

Making this entire situation even more difficult

You are so beautiful

And I love your style

What are the top things you would suggest

For me to get myself ready

And put myself back out there again

Pete if there is anything you think I should be doing

Please let me know

Well I think anyone going through a break up

You know it's heart breaking

And you would naturally lose your confidence

Under what circumstances you broke up

But that would leave anyone

Feeling low in their self esteem

And you know

Neglecting themselves in that way

I think

A lot to do this

Is confidence

How do you get your confidence back

And I think that is by getting out there

I don't know your circumstances

But I think exercise

Mentally and physically

You feel better

You become more confident

And if you become more confident

Become more attractive

There will be someone out there

Someone for everyone

And if she is doing stuff

And feeling better about herself

Then when she puts on an outfit

To go out on the town

She feels better about herself

And I think that attracts other people

And you know it might take time

But I think get yourself right

Before you start thinking about anyone else

Because once you feel good about yourself

Then it all comes

For me if I want to boost my confidence

It's all about feeling good

For yourself

It's not for anyone else

What I like to do

Is I do like to go to the gym

Or do things for myself

I've just started horse riding

That's given me a real boost

It's a passion of mine

I've got back into it

And already I feel like my mood is uplifted

Back into it but once you start

You can't stop

You get into it and you know

All the endorphins are flushing through your body

Oxygen, you just feel alive

You have more energy

And then naturally you don't want to eat rubbish

Because you're like I feel good

I don't want to put anything bad in my body

Then you start looking better

Then you go oh I'm going to buy myself a nice outfit

Feel good and it's just a snowball effect

That's how I would approach it

Right I've got another one here

Peter, so my mum's been single

What feels like forever now

And every relationship in whilst I was growing up

Was very short lived and turned out to be

A bit of a disappointment

But last she's met a nice man

They've been dating for a few months

And decided to move in together

So far so good

His son has just moved back from America

And we all went to his welcome home party

It turns out that the son is the fittest human

On earth

And he's also a great crack

He invited me to stay

Which I ended up doing

And one thing led to another

And let's just say the bonk beats

Were on full blast

We've continued to keep it going

But I now fear this may be turning into

Something more serious

It feels very wrong that we're sneaking around

But he's also my brother

From another mother

Sorry this isn't Jeremy Kyle's podcast

Just FYI

Rachel, she's only 20

Well, technically not related

Can I just keep it going

For a little while longer

And see when it becomes serious

That's when you need to broach the situation

It's not going to be that serious at age 20

Is it?

It's becoming a bit serious now

Maybe, for her

You know

Maybe it is

Do you remember when you were little

And you used to go around to let your mum and dad

Make houses and you'd fancy their sons

And stuff or their daughters

It's kind of like that vibe, isn't it?

Yeah, I mean

I was like 12 or something

Still young

And I think if you split up with your husband

And then you go out with someone new

And you bring someone else into the house

You always want them obviously

To get on

You always run the risk of

This happening


If they're attractive

I just think it is, as you say

A risk

That comes along with that territory

Blending families together

But what would you say?

From who?

From the mum's perspective

What do you think?

Can't she say to her mum

I've got feelings for

I've got feet

20 year old sensei

That babe

She just wants to say I'm shacking him, does she?

For me it's really important

That my daughter can have an open relationship with me

So I kind of

Hopefully she's got that relationship where she can go

I've got a quite like

Her son

I don't know if she's snogging your new girlfriend's son

One day

What do you mean?

What do you think?

Yeah, I'm not splitting up with you

Yeah, I know, but if you did that would be the thing, wouldn't it?

Tell me that's a long way down the line

We're supposed to be doing other people

Like helping other people

I think she should tell her mum

She should say to her mum, look, is it serious

With what's his name?

Don't think he's got a name at the moment

Is it serious because


Because me and his son

Hunk Jr

Are really getting on

Yeah, I think be honest in this situation

If it's a one time thing

Then don't lie

I just think this must happen a lot

You know, when families get together

And get introduced to

Sons and daughters

You know, this is bound to happen

Hi Abby and Pete, I love the pod

Abs, you are my style icon

Your relationship is the ultimate goal

I've been in a situation for four years

Situations, yeah

What's a situation?

I think we're about to find out

I love that word

You put it in inverted commas

As well as situations

I've just turned 25

And I'm starting to really worry about my future

The guy in said


Refuses to discuss the future

Call me his girlfriend

Or have me anywhere near his friends and family

But often tells me he loves me


Another guy from work has started taking a big interest

And is talking about all the things I want in the future

And how he wants a chance to give me all the things I want

Should I give guy one an ultimatum

Or accept that it's never going to happen

And try with guy two

So I think

That's a million red flags

Right there

If they can't introduce you to friends and family

They don't want to call you your girlfriend

Four years is a long time

Four years is such a long time

As a girl you'd probably expect

Girlfriend introductions now

After four years

You compete like we met each other's families

After weeks

That's what I'm saying, it's a long time to go

And don't get me wrong, I'm not like every girlfriend

You go out with or everyone you meet on a Saturday night

I wouldn't be rushing to introduce them to your family

But after four years bloody hell

It's a long time isn't it

I think even the friends

I don't get

Surely you've got to meet the friends

I don't think you have to meet family

But friends

What you do on a Saturday, you've got to know the person

That you're getting involved with

Isn't it

If you're like a close knit family

Like I am


It would be unusual for you to not be involved in that

Considering like I hang around with my brothers and sister

And you know that would be so weird

Looking at this from a different angle

What if his friends are bellens

And he doesn't like his family

And he actually really likes her

That's just not

Men aren't complex enough to

Even think of that

They're not complex enough

I just did

No but I mean

He doesn't want

He's got another girlfriend

Yeah but that's where you're going with it

Right but from a man's perspective

He might generally be a little bit embarrassed

About you know

He might be race day Jack

He could be pretending to be someone

Because he really likes her

And he doesn't want her to find out

That's no basis for relationship anyway

Yeah but obviously

It's not worth giving up and saying

Oh he's a cheat, he's a liar

When actually he might be

It might be an issue on his side

But that doesn't explain

I'm not going to call you my girlfriend

Does it? No

So he is a liar and a cheat

Correct, ultimatum

Go out with guy two


Hi Ab, please help

I literally feel like I'm losing the plot

Five and a half years break up with me on Christmas Eve

Because we argued too much

Honestly the arguments were petty

I nag because the house is a mess and stuff like that

And the point is

I turned thirty last week

And I'm sort of having a meltdown

I've downloaded Hinge and Tinder

Etc but I don't fancy anyone

And it doesn't help that my ex is a six foot two supermodel

Doesn't drink

He's family orientated

And he's just all round ideal

And I don't fancy anyone else

I swear I'm going to be alone with my five dogs

I don't get out much either

As most of my friends have settled down

And I work from home

I've got an amazing job, I bought my own house

I have a lovely car so I should be grateful

But it's hard to see

That at the moment because I'm heartbroken

Please help

I worry about this for you

If we split up

What do you mean?

You just said you never split up with me

Like the previous question

And you struggle

Because the benchmark's been set

Do you know what, baby?

You're not wrong there

I'll agree with you on that one

Obviously, I'm joking there

I don't think

She's finding it difficult

Because she still seems to have loved

The thing is she's still in love

She sounds to me like she's still in love

So she can't move on

And this is just proof that

Nice house, nice cars don't make you entirely happy

Your home isn't filled with love

And you're not red and dirty

With your love sitting next to you

Nothing else matters

But also it means those trivial arguments about

Mother's Day

And the house being messy

They build up and things can happen

If you want to leave Pete

You know where the door is

Just a warning

Don't dare warn me, I'll warn you

You'll never get as good as me

No chance


And you'd be alone with your five dogs

Well, not for long

I'd actually prefer having five dogs than you

That's the one thing I would have

I'd have more pets

More pets

You'd be a sad dog woman

Don't offend our dog fans

Yeah, but fives a bit much, innit?


Anyway, so what does she do?

She's struggling

She prepares to erect her

Can't you get back in touch with them?

I think maybe you reach out though

It's obvious that this guy is

The one

It feels that way

But that's the thing, there's nothing harder

Than a one way love


No, I agree

It's like the biggest heartbreak

Because you can't make someone love you

I can make you

Love me

Who's son is that?

I don't know

No, so I think try and reach out

And maybe say, do you know what

I think we should put these petty differences behind

And give it a go

You're pretty mighty used as an excuse

To get rid

Difficult when you don't know what a background

How do you boys dump people?

Slow ghost


Do you ghost people?

I think ghosts are probably the man

The man way about it, isn't it?

Just cut all ties

If you ghost me, I'd literally turn over your house

There's no way I could ghost you

Unless I move to like this

I'd have to move to like the

Nairobi or something

You'd have to pretend to be dead forever

I do what that fella did

Ghost, ghost is awful

Because you

It's not on where since someone not replying

It makes you so angry

I suppose it's the

Wondering, isn't it?

Where is he?

I think it'd be slightly different now

We've got four kids and we'd be married and stuff

If I just ghosted you

If I just ghosted you now

I'd be a bit out of order

Imagine you ghosted me now

Imagine, seriously, if I just ghosted you

You ghosted me when you were in Cheltenham last week


If I literally just went out

And gone

People do that

I absolutely love your podcast

They get me through a journey to and from work

It's like waiting for the next episode

Of your favourite series when I finish it

The day it comes out

I laugh out loud every time

You guys are amazing, very nice

I have two little boys

A seven year old and a four year old

And they just don't seem to get on

For a maximum of 30 minutes if we're lucky

Then we have to separate them before one of them

Scratches or punches

Or throws something at the other

I don't fancy being referee anymore

Do your kids get on

And when they don't

Do you help them to be mates?

I tell them they're lucky to have siblings

But they don't want to listen

What are we doing so wrong?

I must add they are angels at childcare

But they're separated

When we go out of the house together

There's no absolute war

Any advice for this mum who's wandering house

She gave birth to two enemies


I'll probably put one up for adoption

This is a really difficult one

They're obviously great kids

You love them dearly

But they just don't get on


Just because you're siblings

You're expected to get on

Luckily our kids do get on

But they have the moments, don't they?

I think all kids have the moments

I think that having

Sophia and Lib don't really argue that much

Because there's a big gap with the three little ones

We had like three under five at one stage

And Lib, just her nature

Is really like loving and mothering

So she was always very very kind

To Johnny

To the little ones

And then obviously Jack

Was the baby so didn't really play with them

But now Jack's

Jack's three now and Johnny's five

And they're playing together

God, they'll be playing lovely

And then all of a sudden they'll just kill each other

And you literally have to pry them apart

So I think it's normal

And I think you know

There's so many different stages

Of our relationships

Go in a kid's life


You know I was 12 years older

Than my little brother and sister

And now we hang around together

We were talking about it the other day

Like I had a very different relationship

With Ellie and John growing up

Than Ellie and John had together

Or me and Sean had together

Because they were babies at the same time

And grew up together

But now you're older, you have an amazing relationship with the younger ones

Because you've sort of caught up almost

In a weird way

But I think it's totally natural

For siblings to fight

And especially if the two little boys

That's like a kind of normal boy thing to do

Everyone who I know has got two little boys

That say they just roll around

Wrestling all the time

And it does happen in ours

I think we're quite lucky in the fact that those three

I think having Lib as the referee is quite good

But what's different in our dynamic

Is that Sophia now is sort of out

And she's almost into a teenager stage

She's not a teen yet

But she feels like she is

And she hasn't got the time for the little ones

And the little ones don't want to do what she's doing

So it feels like she's sort of separated

And you've got the three little ones

It's a good little pack aren't it

But as long as we make sure as parents

That we do things with Sophia

And we do things with the little ones

But we do

I think because the little ones get on

So well together and play together

And entertain each other

A lot of the focus is always on Sophia

Like she has a swim and she has a friend

If she wants to do one on one things

With me I always do it with her

Yeah but I think that's important

Because she hasn't got that same bond

They're like that together aren't they

Yeah they are

That bond is not the word

It's kind of interests

She hasn't got the same interests

Like they're still playing with toys

And playing little games and making dens

And she's like no I want to put my lipos on

And do a tiktok

Do a tiktok

Yeah but I think

Hopefully this is a phase

And they probably will

When they become a bit older


They'll look after each other


Having a brother that's similar in age

In a few years

It'll be great, they'll be best friends

Yeah they will be

So Anita I just think stick with it

But it is hard for a mum because you think

Oh when you see them being so mean

Like kids can be so mean

And when they're being so vile to each other

You're like oh my god

Four and seven are difficult ages anyway aren't they

They can be

If they're both boys

Just stick with it

Anita hang in there I'm sure they'll be best friends

Alright well I enjoyed today

It's nice going down memory lane

Take us back to Liverpool

Some of your phrases are funny

You know the people are great

I married one

So you know what my feelings are

They must be good

They make them like that

It must be a good place

Why don't I feel like you're taking the pain

The truth

The truth

Yeah so that's another week done

I hope you enjoyed it

And please subscribe to us

On Apple


On our YouTube, on our website

And yeah

Get more Crouch Fun

Clancy Crouch Fun

Yeah so

For lots more Crouch Clancy fun

Daddy Oaks baby

Machine-generated transcript that may contain inaccuracies.

On today’s episode of the Therapy Crouch, we are going full Scouse power and taking a look at Abbey’s Liverpudlian roots. 

In Weekly Whine Club, we hear how Mother’s Day in casa de Crouch went down (expect some fireworks) and the extraordinary lengths Peter has to go to for a simple slice of chocolate in his own home. 

Abbey also gives a crash course in some of her favourite Scouse lingo and we learn why should never call someone’s meat antwacky. 

So, go grab yourself a lolly ice and enjoy this week’s episode of The Therapy Crouch!

Tara la!

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