The Therapy Crouch: Calm Down, Calm Down
Therapy Crouch 4/11/23 - 1h 9m - PDF Transcript
I can make you lovely
Not anymore, you're a strong six now
I've got big ties towards Liverpool, loads of friends there
But you lot say some bad things
Hi and welcome to The Therapy Crouch with me, Avi Clancy
And me, Peter Crouch
So we've had a few complaints about how we move on this part
We're going to now reference the new mics
Yeah, so I can't
Obviously I'm quite expressive with my hands when I talk
As am I
As I was wiggling my mic everywhere
But now we've got these mics, which I think is even worse
I don't know, like when I've got the mic in my hand
I just flap it down and do this
And I think it's better for your listening experience
To enjoy this hands-free
So we're doing it hands-free and it's not bad for us
So you better fucking like it
Can you still hear me over there?
Roger that, Roger that
How's the weekend, babe, for you?
I'm exhausted, actually
After Mother's Day
Such a lovely Mother's Day, didn't we?
It all went perfectly, didn't it?
I've really produced this year
So we've had a nice week, you went to Cheltenham
I did, yeah
He had one...
So there's one thing to say, it's just text me when you get there
And text me when you're on your way home
Just so we know he's alive
And it was the only thing he didn't do
It's difficult because you go...
We've got a lovely box there
And I arrived and I was incredibly excited
And you see the buzz of the crowd
And I just got caught up in it all
And I thought, oh my god, I've just arrived, babe
And then it was obviously two hours later
I've already watched two races
It's a bit hurtful that it's kind of like out of sight, out of mind
It wasn't like that
When you're away from me, you just go wild
Not at all, not at all
Excited, not wild
You went a little bit race day jack that day, didn't you?
There's only one day you can be...
I don't go to a lot of racing
I was a race day jack
I went Charlie bananas
We got a helicopter
And we arrived
So you can see why I wanted him to text me on arrival
And text me on the other end
Because I was so worried about it
I don't like helicopters
And I was so anxious and worried
Yeah, with hindsight
I feel terrible about that
Because I should have let you know that I was safe and sound
Luckily I got the wheel done before you left
So that was fine
You didn't tamper with any blades, did you?
I knew I'd be sweet one way or another
Probably sweeter
Lots
Lots of ways
Okay, alright
So did you win any races?
I did loads of homework
We had loads of people with us who had done their homework
We had lots of things structured
We were going to bat on and then none of them came in
Apart from the one where everyone said this is a lottery
And I picked because it was called...
It was Ad Johnny and it's name
Can you not remember the name of it?
My boy Johnny wasn't it?
Not my boy Johnny, no
That's sentimental too
We can't even remember the name
I knew Johnny was in it
Johnny was in the title
Johnny was in the title
And he was my boy
So I'm right, I'm on this
And it came in at 9-1
So that saved the day really
But we had a great day anyway
I love going to Cheltenham
It's a great day out
The boys were very excited
And we had a fun time
I actually got invited to that
By the way
But you just didn't tell me
Not in our group
I love you
I thought you were going to come to Cheltenham
You were invited
And I was like, was I?
I think Ascot's more your vibe
If I'm honest
I actually prefer to ride horses
Than watch them
So I've actually got back in the saddle
This week
And I've been so happy
All week
Before I had Sophia
I used to ride every day
5 years
With the kids
We moved up north
So I couldn't go to the stables every day
I used to ride with Tony Terry
Who's the most incredible rider
She's proper pro
She's just incredible to watch
What is the thing
When you have kids you become more nervous about riding
What's happened to you?
I just think
If you fell off this horse
Do you see a baby?
I don't know I was just so scared
Having been going there every day
For 5 years of my life
To nothing
But now my little girl
And boy I've been doing horse riding lessons
On a weekend
And I was just gagging to get in the saddle
So I actually sat on this pony
That they've got both feet
With touch on the ground
It's like poor horse
I'm doing my own lessons
That's great
They tried to get me on the horse
I've been on 4 horses in my life
And thrown off 3 times
I think we've discussed this before
But it's just something about me
I reckon that they just go no way
Is that thing getting on me
And they just go fucking mental
Why is this camel trying to get on me?
Why is a camel trying to get on me?
Why is a giraffe trying to get on me?
We have discussed this last week
We did
I won't be getting on any horses
Any time soon
But I love going there, it's a nice day out
It's not like riding a bike though
And I actually felt like age
No, I know it's not a bike
A bike's not going to throw you off
That's my thing
A motorbike would
I've seen someone get thrown off a motorbike
Obviously
It's an animal
It's got a brain
Like a bike hasn't got a brain
If it just goes
I'm having a bad day, get off
Like a bike's not going to do that
That's my only concern with it
It's a living thing
Because I was like, oh my god
I haven't been on the horse for 10 years
And she was like, it's like riding a bike
I got on it, absolutely not
15 years have passed
My knees don't bend like they used to
Because I walk with my feet turned out
Which is a horrible thing that I do
And I hate the way I walk
My feet are like
Like a penguin
They're not flat
They're not flat
But the toes just go out
My dad does it as well
And even when I stand there straight
My feet are always turned out
I absolutely hate it
So when I'm in a position where I have to keep my toes straight
My knees hurt
So when my feet were in the stirrups
And I had to keep my knees straight
It really hurt me
I get used to this
I get used to it again, yeah
Have you got any wines this week?
Yeah, I have
Have you?
I'm surprised at that
Fucking Mother's Day
Mother's Day
I've never felt more like a mum
My entire life than on Mother's Day
So I got up at six with the kids
Yes to a cup of tea but
It's two sides for this story
It's not the point
I'll say mine
Obviously I was saying
Because I know that
I wasn't too pleased with it
Go on, you do yours first
Because I'm interested in yours
If I do mine, can you not bite into my
Yeah?
You promised me you're not going to bite in
Is this your wine?
It's my wine
How can you wine at me on Mother's Day?
I'm not whining
Did you think of your wine
When you were lying on the couch
Watching the menu game
Is that when you came up with your wine
No while I was emptying the dish
This doesn't feel like you're not biting in
Sorry, I'm just curious
Would you like to start the wine?
You've already started so you might as well finish
No, go on
Okay
My wine is
When does it end?
There's no
You don't know the hours of
Is it the entire day
It ends on the 15th
What's the date?
You can't be a slave the entire day
There needs to be some sort of
Where do you go?
Obviously I'm up early
I was making cards with the kids at six o'clock
You were obviously still in bed
Which I wanted you to be
Because I was waiting in bed for the whole
Rigmarole of the cards
We made the cup of tea
We brought a little cake
We had all the kids making cards
Obviously I brought one, we got the flowers
And then we all brought them up
I ordered my own flowers
Anyway, so we all come up
We do a nice morning
We come downstairs
I took the kids out
You wouldn't let me cook the dinner
You wouldn't let me cook the dinner
Because you were actually filming me hoovering
Do you remember that?
So you were full of shit
I said you shouldn't be hoovering on Mother's Day
So instead of taking the hoover off me
And going I'll help you, you just filmed me
I filmed her
I had the Dyson on full blast
I felt like this is ridiculous
I was filming her going
This is not how you should behave on Mother's Day
You should be in bed
She's like tidying around
You were cleaning everywhere
How do I stop that?
If she wants to do that
I can't physically
Drag you away
I want the house spotless
I'm preparing dinner for 15 people
For some reason
My brother bailed
Who would normally help me with the dinner
So it was really stressful
Because he was too busy getting a tattoo
Of a flying prawn on his arm
Literally
So
I had to do everything
And when people arrive
I want everywhere to look nice
And to be as nice as possible
And you don't understand it
I tried to make her have a lovely day
Then
I came back
He was like I thought you were supposed to be in the spa
Today anyway
Yeah
But you didn't book it
You suggested it and then didn't book it
I thought you had that in hand
Because by the time I tried to book it
It was fully booked
It should have been in the spa
It was a lovely day
It was a lovely table
Feel appreciated
Oh no
Every other mother
No but you made a lovely dinner
I was trying to help loads
And I took the kids out
So you could do it
And then I came back
And then I sat on the cat
We had a lovely dinner
I cleared it away as well
I did
You brought your own plate over
I was in the fucking loft
Getting candles out and everything
I got the candles out of the loft
Actually
What I'm saying is
It's like all day
And then the match was on
And all the boys were there
We sat down and watched the match
Every time you came over
This is how it's going to go
There's three matches on Mother's Day
I didn't watch any
Apart from one
Sorry
Can I just rewind there
Whilst I made him as full English
On Mother's Day morning
He was watching a match of the day
And I've got video evidence of this
Do you remember that?
This is where I'm saying this
Where does it end? Are you not allowed to watch any football Mother's Day?
You're not allowed to do anything
That makes you happy
I watch so many men at football
And watching football
They are all single
They still be single
They almost have no kids or mums
They're all orphans
They're all single orphans
I know they're just going to throw this out there as well
This is something
Single orphans
All them single orphans
Hang around football matches on Mother's Day
I'm going to throw this out there
You're not going to like this either
But you are also not my mum
And it's as harsh as that sounds
You know, the kids fucked up
Not me
But I'm a mum because of you
So you should
You should be thankful for
I listen
I am joking about it
It's fine actually, you're going around with all the single orphans
I appreciate you
I genuinely mean this
I really, really appreciate you
Everything you do for us
Rosie Huntington got Jessica McCormack
She must be amazing to her husband
She must be amazing
Okay, so you're basically saying
I'm not good to you
So that's why I don't get a good Mother's Day
No, I'm joking
You're incredible
For me and our family and the kids
And we don't even deserve you
And I mean that
He was like, when I was cooking dinner
He said, we should have just got a chef in for this
We shouldn't be doing all of this on Mother's Day
Whilst I was head to Towing
Bloody Carrington Turner
Carrington Turner
Stuffed by the time I had my own dinner
Because I've been testing it the whole day
I'm just not a very good chef
I just don't enjoy my own food
I enjoy it
It was lovely, honestly
I think that's the best meal you've ever made
I know, it was that actually
I'm joking, I actually enjoy
hosting
I absolutely love it
I love that our house
Is the go-to hub for our whole family
I'm friends
And I love having people over
And having nice food and a few drinks
And all the kids were playing
It was such a lovely day
It really was
Exhausting
I'm going to do lessons
Or something in roast dinnering
A roast is one of the easiest things
Can you tell the time?
Why don't I make it with you
In the next time Sunday
I can tell the time
Because it's all about
Everything just goes in the oven
And it's just about the timings
That's why I was like, Pete, what's 45 times 3?
Yes, I was good at that
I was involved in that
Okay, let me make one
Next Sunday, I'm going to do a roast
And we'll see how we get on
I just don't know if it's worth it
Because of the mess
If you don't let me express myself
Then you can't ever go at me for
For not making it
You're holding me back
Right
I've got a few audience wines
Here as well
And I do like these as well
Because I think it relates
To us as well
My partner takes
The last and often best bite
Of food when we go out eating together
Or makes me order something
That you don't really want
So you can share
Does this relate to me
And you?
That's just part of life, isn't it?
Unreal
She'll try and order
For me
Because she wants to taste
Of both meals
We both do it to each other
You did it to me the other day
I've done it a couple of times
But you've done it throughout
What I do which really annoys me
Is if we're going to McDonald's
Drive through or something
That is nothing worse
Nothing worse
And then eat three quarters of the Big Mac
Myself
No way I'm eating this
I'm on a diet
I'm on a diet or whatever
I'm going to get a burger
But you can't have any of it
That's fine
And then we get in and straight away
You have the first three bites
I'm not even the last one
I know, it is annoying on both
It's annoying on both parts
But I just think that's something
That can't be ever be helped or changed
I think it can
I think it can
No, because I don't want a whole one
I just want a half
Yeah, but I want a whole one
You should order two then
No, but you should order one
And then have a few bites
No, because then I'll eat the whole thing
And when I don't want to eat it
I've got no willpower when it comes to food
It's not good that
But it's not going to change now
When you go for a meal
Sometimes you want a little
The thought of having like
There's nothing worse than food, Embi
It's like the worst
That's why I like getting like a few starters
Everyone who knows me right
Knows that I'm a soup connoisseur
I adore a soup
It's ridiculous what I do
I'll have it everywhere
I'll have a soup to start with some bread
And I'm a big fan of it
The worst, obviously the first
Little taste of roasting hot soup
Is spectacular
But the moment it lands
On my table
It's gone
And I'm sitting there going oh this looks so nice
It looks so lovely
And you do like five, six
It's the worst when you're around
And you butter bread and dip it in
So I've only got like two bits of bread
It's gone straight away
It's the bread eating
That's the way she don't mind if someone takes a little spoon full of your soup
But once they start taking your bread
And butter to go with it
But also I feel like
The swiping of the soup
Is a bit much like
If you lean over and so I've still got it
I know it's still mine
It's in front of me and you just go
I have a little bit of it and I go that's fine
Don't take the piss but
It's the whole fact that
If you lean over to your side
You've got like some chicken wings
The kids are the worst
Because if you ask them can you have a bit of their food
They'll always say no
And they'll have like a whole pizza
Or whatever the dish is
And then
You're not going to eat all that
It's nice and hot and when they let you have it
It's like freezing cold
That's the worst
Or the fact that
Every time I make a meal for the kids
I don't want that
And then we'll make a dinner for ourselves
And then we'll make it for us
And they'll sit on my knee and eat my whole dinner
And it drives me insane
I'm like if I made you this
You would never
They'll be in the playroom playing
And I'll think well I've got a window of opportunity
Where I can have a packet of crisps
Or a little slice of chocolate
And I'll go in there
And it's the moment
I open the cupboard
I've got like four
Little creatures
Peeking at me
Eight eyes
What are you doing dad?
I'll go fuck off
I just want a bag of crisps
I want some hula hoops on my own
And then you've got all the little hands going in
Piss off
It drives me mad
They literally take everything
Constant
God
I'll get you on that one
I've got one more wine here
This is a good one as well
This one's about making a lot of noise
When one of the people is getting up for work early
Slamming doors, singing in the shower
When you don't need to be up for another hour
I don't do that
And neither do you
No I'm like a mouse
You're quite loud
But if I have to go
To work earlier than you
Then the light's on
The hairdryer's on
The makeup's
It's a full on like
It's broad daylight in the whole room
And the hairdryer's on
You just get dressed and walk out
You don't even look in the mirror
I get dressed in the dark
Clearly
Do you know the other thing
Just while we're on this subject
Is that hairdryer right
You drag it over to where the mirror is
So I literally first thing in the morning
I jump
To get anyone near my clothes
I either have to limbo the wire
Or jump over it
And I have to go back and forth
It's so annoying
It's like the krypton factor
It's like Takeshi's castle
I'm thinking
If I catch it
It's not the high jumpers
At least they land onto a mat
And the bar falls off with me
It's certain death
The tongs might burn you alive
Or they could get wrapped around something
Or
Unless if I don't get that jump right in the morning
It all helps to break those
This goes back to like
When we built our own house
We did naturally make an area
To do our hair and makeup
Which is ridiculous
The plugs should be on that side
Why is it down there
There is one on that side but it's behind the draw
And in fact I can't
Doubt on the wake top
Do you know what else is behind this draw
Or mirror as it is now
The heating in the bedroom
Because no one can get anywhere near it
Right
It's absolutely freezing in there now
No one can go anywhere near it
Because it's behind a mirror
So not only am I
Pole vaulting over a wire
I'm also freezing
Because I can't get to the heating
Can you use those tongs to warm your hand
Right
I'm literally going near the tongs
To warm my hand
I know it is a poor design
Okay so I think that concludes
The wines really
I enjoyed that, I think we've got a lot off our chest
I'm going to be better mother's day because you deserve it
I'm going to make the roast
I'm not going to watch any football
It's not about you watching football
Or not doing anything
It's just annoying
That mums have one day a year
Fuck off
Are you joking? No
How many days are there now
It's a joke
Anniversaries are for you
Valentine's for you
For me or for women in general
Mother's day
International women's day
I saw recently
There's a lot of days out there
I think I do make a fuss
Sometimes
You say to me I have one day a year
But there's a lot of days
As a woman you do joke and go
It would be nice to just
Pull the stops out the bag
It doesn't have to be materialistic
Things at all
You told me I haven't pulled the stops out recently
With lots of things that I've done
For Mother's Day
I'm only talking about Mother's Day
I'm not talking about life
Mother's Day
Because I've had four kids
By the way
So it needs to be four times better than
Usual
Why am I far chest?
Talked about high maintenance
Didn't mean the last podcast
No, it's not that
That's exactly what I'm trying to say
It's not like a high maintenance thing
It would just be nice to be appreciated
And recognised
You are appreciated
Totally
Appreciate you
Right, well babe
I don't know, I've got a bit hairy
I hope you know I appreciate you
No, because it's
I'm being serious now, joking aside
It's not nice to be called high maintenance
Because you just want a little bit of a surprise
Okay
I'll bear that in mind
I'm not chasing to this
Unless this is resolved
Because I don't feel like it is
Because the whole point of the weekly wine
I've been getting loads of listeners
Messaging me
On
Instagram and our website
About how this weekly wine club has really helped them
Like they sit down
And talk about the problems of the little glass of wine
It's over and done with
But if it's not over and done with
It's completely pointless
Let's wait and see kind of what the reaction is here
Like
I'm sure there'll be lots of women
Saying my husband was useless
This and that, but I'd like to hear from
It's not a men hating podcast this by the way
No, but I'd like to hear from lots of men
Listen to it as well, I'd like to hear their point of view
You know
Is it acceptable to be able to watch the football
You know, where do you go, do you have to make the dinner
You know, what are the rules and boundaries
Okay, shall we move on from Mother's Day?
Let's move on, yeah, cheers
So do you know what you need to do?
Shot my balls off
And hand them to you
On a platter
A little bit of bray
Since doing this podcast getting loads of people messaging
Saying Pete sounds skelse
Just because I'm hanging around with you lots so much
But when I first met you, you had a brummy accent?
It's adaptable, I've moved around so many places
South coast, London
South coast is the west side
I grew up in London, right?
West London
And I don't know what
There's certain things that like words that you say
That I laughed at first that now I say
And we're getting into that on this podcast today
I love Liverpool as a city, I absolutely love it
I like the people are so friendly
They're so welcoming towards me
Your family's been incredibly welcoming towards me
And obviously I love you
So I've got big ties towards Liverpool
Loads of friends there
But you lot say some bad things
So people down south think I'm incomprehensible
But in Liverpool they think I'm so posh now
Yeah, you're considered quite posh up there
Yeah, because there are different
There are various levels of strengths of the Scouse accent
But if you north end or south end
The accent does differ
Yeah, no, I think there's definitely the bigger strength of the Scouse accent
Without a doubt
You don't sound, I don't hear it on you at all now
But people then come up to us and go like, oh my god, like
This is really Scouse, but you're not
In this scheme of things
My dad's so Scouse, isn't he?
My dad's friends
But I just wanted to drill down on a few of the words, if you don't mind
Because when I first went up to Liverpool
I saw some things that I thought that doesn't happen anywhere else
What do you mean? Like what?
When I was driving to Melwood one day
And I remember seeing on a Saturday before a game
That women in rollers
Hair rollers?
Hair rollers, like walking down the road
I don't know, I've not seen it before
From myself, I haven't seen it before
Yeah, because there are a lot of differences
There are a lot of differences between like north, northern and southern girls I think
Because I remember years ago, like in the early 90s
When my mum went for a night out in London
And she said she had these incredible suede pointy stilettos on
With all like diamonds up the back
And she had a big maxi dress onto the floor
And all the girls were in like jeans and t-shirts
And that's fine, it's like different styles
But for Liverpool girls
They are renowned for being done up to death at all times
And take a lot of pride in the way they look
And they live to go out of a weekend
So I think I'm definitely more southern in that aspect now
Because I'm like literally like a tramp every day
Like gym stuff on jeans, I'm a lot more relaxed
But in Liverpool
That doesn't happen
No
They don't get done up, it's like any kind of meal
But I like that
Everything is an occasion
Which is great I think
And they spend the whole day getting ready
So you'll get your hair done, you'll get your curly blow in them on
The rollers are in all day
And you take them out the second before you go out at night
You know, that is just the thing
Absolutely gorgeous girls in Liverpool
I look similar to that as well
I think it's a northern thing in general actually
Newcastle as well
Scotland
There's a couple of words like there's a few things that
You say
That aren't correct
Like lolly ice
I can't get on board with that
I love some of the Scouse phrases
I love them, they're amazing
But lolly ice is something that should never be said
You do say it though
I don't, I've never said that ever
So what do you say?
It's an iced lolly
So it's an iced lolly
Do you say iced?
It's not a lolly iced is it?
No but it's not an iced lolly
It's an iced lolly
An iced lolly, yeah
But what I'm saying is it's an iced lolly
Right, it's not a lolly iced
So it's an iced lolly
It's not a lolly iced
And it just rolls off the tongue better doesn't it?
Lolly ice
I can't believe you say lolly ice
And the kids are saying it
And I said I had to correct them
I said it's not lolly ice you know
Can I have a lolly ice?
And they said it is dad
I said no you've just been around your mum too
But they are half Scouse
So you're actually northern yourself
Thank you very much
Yeah I'm not
People's born in Macclesfield
So you could have been saying lolly ice
Would that make me a wall?
Yeah
What do these say in Macclesfield for lolly ice?
They say ice pole
They say ice not ice pole
They'll say ice pole
Ice pole
What is the accent there?
It's just a normal accent
Manchester?
Yeah it's like the era of Manchester
People would say
Can I have an ice pole?
An ice pole
No one's ever said ice pole
If you say ice pole you
You'd say ice pole
It's not a lolly ice
It never will be
Only in Liverpool is it lolly ice
I could not believe it
Would you call an ice cream a lolly ice
Or just a lolly ice a lolly ice?
No lolly ice
An ice cream is an ice cream
What do you call an ice cream?
A ice cream
Cream ice
Exactly
Do you say choc ice?
Yeah choc ice
So there we go
Point proven
Yeah but a choc ice is branded a choc ice
A lolly ice has never been a lolly ice
No one's ever called it that
Apart from people in Liverpool
Lolly ice
While we're on phrases right
A wall right
Okay woolly back
So I don't know how derogatory this is
You're a wall basically
I'm not a wall
But if you are a wall I apologise
But a wall to me is someone who's
Pretending to be a scouts
Who's on the outskirts like St Helens
Is that correct?
So basically Liverpool's its own entity
And it's its own space
So anyone who's basically not from Liverpool
Is a wall
But it's mainly directed at people
From the world
On the outskirts
On the outskirts of Liverpool
Trying to get into us
Not true scouts
But I've got loads of wall friends
Yeah
The origin of the term woolly back
Comes from like you know
All the trade that went on in the port
And when people used to carry the wall
And bales on the back
And have like little bits of wall left on them
They were called woolly backs
So maybe you
They're coming into the
Into Liverpool
From a place where
They're carrying bales of hay
Into Liverpool
So so they've literally got a woolly back
Yeah but it wasn't hay
They were carrying it to wall
Oh it's wall
Hay back
Oh it's such a hay in
Sorry
Wall
That's not what I meant
Not hay
Do you know the one that gets me right
Is the one in your phone
Where you go through
And anyone who's in your family
Is under R John
R Ross
R Fran
Yeah
So I know you say it like
It's like R family
But in your phone if you go into it
Anyone in your family is under the letter R
Yeah
For R Fran
R John
R Ross
Explain that
I don't know
I think it's just because
Family is a lot of people in Liverpool
And like I grew up with all my cousins
Aunties, uncles, nann
Around me on a daily basis
And you know it's very inclusive in that way
And I just think you're always like
Oh R Fran
R Ross
I think it's nice
I'm not like
I think it's nice
Because even you
People say like
Mum said
Or Dad said
Dad wants us to go out tonight
Why didn't that accident happen?
Why do you have to do that accident?
I don't know
Dad said looked at me
At around 7.30 tonight
I would never say that
Why am I posh now?
You're not posh
But the way you're saying it
You're going like
Dad said
Dad thought it was
Dad thought
That film was hilarious
I would never say
Dad or Mum
I'd say me Mum
Or me Dad
So it's kind of
I don't know
Making everything yours
And like
More units maybe
I think it's like
It's different to what you do
In any other walk of life
So
You are like
It's going to be famous for shortening
Absolutely everything
My name is Peter right
I thought Pete was short enough
But it's not
Your dad calls me P
Right so
The shortest name in the dictionary really
E
E
A
E
P
You know everything's like
Even shorter
So that doesn't make any sense
Like when it's Fran
To be our friend
You now lengthening words
Just contradictory
No because it's just when you're talking
About someone who's
Who you love I guess
Yeah okay
That makes good sense
Yeah someone that you love is
I've never heard you say
Oh my Mum called
I would say to you
My Mum's just called
No you wouldn't
You say Mum
Mum's just called
I wouldn't say that
Dad's just been on the blower
Dad's just been on the blower
Dad's just been on the dog and bow
Mum's just ran up the apples and pear
Literally
I hate it when people just say Mum
Mum said
It has to be my Mum
My Dad
If I said
My Mum's just called
He's gone
My Mum's just called me
My Mum's just called
Our Sarah's
Our Sarah's
Or something like that
Yeah you don't say our Sarah
Of course you're not
I'd say
My Mum's
My mother's just called me
I'd say
This is what I would say
No jokes I would say
My Mum's just called
What's wrong with that?
My Mum's just called
I don't even like the use of my
It's got to be me hasn't it
Yeah
My Mum's just called
Me Mum
Me Me Mum
My Mum
Our Sarah's
I'd just say
Sarah's called
You'd say
Our Sarah
Yeah
That's true
I'd say
Our Sarah
It's not like Sarah down the road
Sarah a work with
Yeah okay yeah
Alright
Yeah you say
Our yeah okay
Okay that makes sense
Well done
Well done
I've got some belters here
I don't know if you want me to
Read them out
Yeah I do
One that you say a lot
Antwacky
Antwacky
I want to know if antwacky
Was a natural person
So basically
It's not a
Sorry
Have you seen how it's spelt
Yeah
It's not antwacky is it
No but
I know that
I'm not completely fucking stupid
I'm not completely stupid
I was just
Sorry
No but where it's
Derived from
I was wondering if there was
A woman called
Antwacky
It feels like
It feels like it's
That's an olden day word
I would say
So antwacky
Is what
Scousers use to describe
Someone who's old fashioned
Always got no style
Or a bit outdated
So when I first met Peter
I couldn't believe it
I was like
Do you like him
And I was like
Yeah
Antwacky
Well
And antwacky
Whoa
He's nice
So he's a bit antwacky
You wouldn't class me as antwacky
Surely
I'm not antwacky am I
Not anymore
Not anymore
You're a strong six now
Antwacky
It is a good word
But what
It's a strange word isn't it
It reminds me of like a vintage
Yes I'm saying
It's like a vintage
It's old
Yeah look
Northern English it's written
Antwacky
Informal Northern English
Like the rest of the words
Yeah basically
Scouser dictionary
Old fashioned out of date
Out of date
Where does it come from
The origin antwack
Is used to refer to something
Or someone who's old fashioned
Or out of date
It's origin is linked
Link to the word antique
And in all probability
The word came about
Pronouncing the word antique
Incorrectly
As most Scousers do
Shut up
Because when Pete asked me
Like what does antwacky mean
And I was like
It's like out of date
Old fashioned
And then he was like
Going in the fridge
Babe is this meat antwacky
I never said that
I did that away
You did once
I was like that's not how you use it
Antwacky
He's like babe is this steak antwacky
I'm like what are you talking about
Now we're the Scousers blood
My favourite Scousers words
Try new
It's a form of
It's like cockney
Like cockney
There's a lot of words in like cockney
That are similar like shortened
Or you know cockney rhyming slang
There's a lot of slang involved isn't there
No one takes a piss out of them
Do they
Do they
Well they don't sound as funny do they
Do you know what
I love the Scouser accent
And I miss it
Like every time I hear it
I do love it
No I listen
I love it
And I think it's
That
It's very creative
Irish and Jordy
And Scottish actually
My favourite accents
What?
I'm just thinking of you doing my accent
It's hilarious
You because you haven't gone
This is our girl
I can't believe
The levels of disrespect
The level of disrespect is phenomenal
Even Sophia does
All the kids do it as well
It's just droney
But I suppose like
If a giraffe
If a giraffe spoke
That'd be the voice
It wouldn't be
It wouldn't be a quick
Like if a monkey could talk
It'd be like quick and probably Scous
But a giraffe wouldn't have like
A quick
Animated accent
It'd be quite like that
Wouldn't it
It's the gormless face
It's the gormless face as well isn't it
It's the gormlessness of the face
I think I'm finding offensive
But you don't do it when you're punting
So it's only me who has to suffer with it
Like when you're on telly
She doesn't real suffer
But what about you when you're going
Ah Fran and up the Aussie
And we're going twacky
What about I'm on suffering
It's so funny because
Before our kids start school
There's so Scouse
Because they're with me
Like in the house of the day
And I'm speaking to them
All day
Like Sophia used to be in the high chair
And be like I'm stuck
I'm stuck
Yeah she did
She'd want to get out
Be like I'm stuck
And Jack says me now doesn't he
He's got my car
He's got my dinosaur
Yeah it's good
And then they kind of go to their posh
Sorry school
And it gets walloped out of them
Yeah when I used to go to like
Melbourne and stuff
And you see the kids outside
Like if you'd scored on the weekend
You'd do a few autographs
And it was like ah go head
Crouchy lad
They'd be like you're boss are you
Crouchy
Boss that last
Like boss and go head
Do it properly
Because you can do it
You Scouse accent
You are good at it
It's been a while now
Don't know how I feel
I'm under pressure now
Don't be under pressure
Oh your eyebrows twitching
You can do this
Your eyebrows just been twitching
Is it? It's nerves
Is that because you're in the room
With three Scousers
Yeah yeah I feel under pressure
Go on do it
What do you want me to say?
Anything
Just say
Babe do you want me to book you into a
Spa next Mother's Day
And cook all the dinner for you
When you get home
Babe do you want to book me
Into the Spa next week
Shall I book you in the Spa next week
Fucking hell
Fuck sake lad
We don't all swear you know
You do
Spare a lot
I know I do
No fucking thing
Fucking hell
But there are
Stronger accents
But mine
What does it mean to you
Like the place
Liverpool
Yeah
The thing I love most about Liverpool
Is like the centre community
You know for me growing up
I was always surrounded
By family, aunties, uncles, cousins
And it was like a weekly thing
Like everyone would always get together
Actually most nights after school
You'd be going round to each other's house
Haven't you
And then together on the weekends
It's like
I think it's quite unusual in that sense
I found when I signed for Liverpool
It was like
If you're in
You're in
You're in
And if anyone
And if you're out
You're out
Yeah
Literally like that
And I think when you are in
It's such a sense of like
Power
Like you feel like you're
Everything just well looks after all the time
Like when I didn't score for ages
In that moment
I felt the whole love from the city
You know
Like it was like everyone else was having to go at me
But it was like I had
So many people behind me
You had to go saw me behind you
Having my back
Yeah and it did feel like that
And I don't feel like I've ever come out of that
I felt like
I feel like almost like an adopted scouser
Like I feel like whenever I go back there
People are so friendly to me
And like will always look after me
And you know I often go out with
Your dad for a beer
And stuff like that
And everyone's just so welcome in
And it's like
You know come in here
Or we look after you
And they're just all looking
And it feels like
I'm getting looked after all the time
You don't have that anywhere else
Which is an amazing quality to have
And considering it's such a small place as well
You know there's so many amazing things
To come out of it
Like obviously you've got
Liverpool, Neverton Football Club
You've got the Beatles
So many incredible musicians
Over the years
So much talent
You know it is
It is an amazing place
But for me what really stands out
Is that kind of
As you say I think scousers
Like have each other's back
Like when you're in
When you're in you're in
Yeah that's something that resonated with me
And like I say whenever I go back
I feel like
You know that's almost like a part of me now
You know I spent a few years there
At the club
And when you realise the size
Of the football club as well
And the size of the sort of
Like the passion for their football
It's like when I came from
I signed from Southampton
And I could walk around Southampton
And obviously people that know football know
Who you are and things like that
But then when you go to Liverpool
It's like everyone is just
So do you notice that
Like obviously you've played for
Tottenham, Norwich
Aston Villa
Well done babe that's three people
Barely
Barely
So would you say Liverpool stands out
To being quite unusual in that way
Yeah I just think because
It's like grandmas or
Five year olds
You know women, children, men
Whoever you are
Everyone knows about football
It's a football obsessed city
And
You know everyone has someone
In the family that goes to the game
They are incredibly passionate about it
And rightly so because the club
Has been so successful
Over the years
It's one of the best teams in the world
Without doubt
Liverpool that is not Evan by the way
Liverpool are not late as well
Says the blue nose over there
Toffee muncher
Is that what they get called?
Well they do now
I thought they were sort of
With Evan and Toffees
Yeah it was good babe
Toffee muncher
But I think what
What stands out is everything is
Based on centre humour
Like everyone takes the P out of each other
There's like fast wit
And humour in Liverpool
Like everyone's like a comedian I think
Yeah I've got to get into sort of like
The Chippies or you know
I would call them the fish and chip shop
Yeah because that's all you can get in London
Fish or chips? You don't even get a pot of curry
No you can get curry sauce
Not in everyone you can't eat
You wouldn't get gravy
Is that more a Manchester thing
Or is that
Curry chip balm
The word balm is mad as well
Balm cake? It was a balm
That's something you put on your lips to keep them from drying
So now you put on your itchy ass
Balm
Balm
Soothing balm
It's not something you put chips in
Ask Balm
What is curry chip balm?
But you have to have loads of butter
Also a balm cake
It's not a cake and it's not a balm
A balm is like it for anyone who doesn't know
It's just like a kind of a bap
It's not a roll
Is that I say a bacon roll and you would say
A bacon bap or a balm
I wouldn't say a bap
Bacon butty I'd say
Eat buttery as well yeah that's not
Sausage butty
That's not correct
If you're a fan of that
It's a stew where I'm from
A hot pot
You call it a hot pot up in Lancashire
Where you're from
Listen I was born
In Merckisfield
I think my grand and my mum would say
Hot pot
I think they would say hot pot
But I moved very quickly
And now I would call it
A stew
But you don't call it a stew
Because you say I'm making scouts
So obviously you know
I have to dumb down a bit don't I
Careful Pete
Careful Pete
Next time you're walking through Lark Lane
We'll be getting your head kicked in
Don't dish our local cuisine
Scouts is unreal
And the way you make it is amazing
Those dumplings
The braising steak in it
Carrots awesome
Well listen
That you're from Liverpool
And I feel proud that
I've been associated with Liverpool
And I know we don't live there anymore
But I want our kids to be involved in it
Because it's a big part of your life
It's a big part of my life
And I want them to feel
You know part of that as well
So we will always go back
And listen the terms are hilarious
Some of them and the ways
Are different
To lots of places but that's what makes it special
Mmm
Shall we get into the
Some of the listener questions
Yeah Agonyab
Or Agonyab
She needs your help
Dear Agonyab
I need your help so I might be one of your older listeners
And I've been single for 20 plus years
I've lost my confidence a bit when it comes to love
But I'm over being alone
And I'm watching everyone floating through life
All loved up while I'm sat on the sidelines watching
Since I left my husband
I was well and truly off men
And until now I have completely neglected
The way I look
Making this entire situation even more difficult
You are so beautiful
And I love your style
What are the top things you would suggest
For me to get myself ready
And put myself back out there again
Pete if there is anything you think I should be doing
Please let me know
Well I think anyone going through a break up
You know it's heart breaking
And you would naturally lose your confidence
Under what circumstances you broke up
But that would leave anyone
Feeling low in their self esteem
And you know
Neglecting themselves in that way
I think
A lot to do this
Is confidence
How do you get your confidence back
And I think that is by getting out there
I don't know your circumstances
But I think exercise
Mentally and physically
You feel better
You become more confident
And if you become more confident
Become more attractive
There will be someone out there
Someone for everyone
And if she is doing stuff
And feeling better about herself
Then when she puts on an outfit
To go out on the town
She feels better about herself
And I think that attracts other people
And you know it might take time
But I think get yourself right
Before you start thinking about anyone else
Because once you feel good about yourself
Then it all comes
For me if I want to boost my confidence
It's all about feeling good
For yourself
It's not for anyone else
What I like to do
Is I do like to go to the gym
Or do things for myself
I've just started horse riding
That's given me a real boost
It's a passion of mine
I've got back into it
And already I feel like my mood is uplifted
Back into it but once you start
You can't stop
You get into it and you know
All the endorphins are flushing through your body
Oxygen, you just feel alive
You have more energy
And then naturally you don't want to eat rubbish
Because you're like I feel good
I don't want to put anything bad in my body
Then you start looking better
Then you go oh I'm going to buy myself a nice outfit
Feel good and it's just a snowball effect
That's how I would approach it
Right I've got another one here
Peter, so my mum's been single
What feels like forever now
And every relationship in whilst I was growing up
Was very short lived and turned out to be
A bit of a disappointment
But last she's met a nice man
They've been dating for a few months
And decided to move in together
So far so good
His son has just moved back from America
And we all went to his welcome home party
It turns out that the son is the fittest human
On earth
And he's also a great crack
He invited me to stay
Which I ended up doing
And one thing led to another
And let's just say the bonk beats
Were on full blast
We've continued to keep it going
But I now fear this may be turning into
Something more serious
It feels very wrong that we're sneaking around
But he's also my brother
From another mother
Sorry this isn't Jeremy Kyle's podcast
Just FYI
Rachel, she's only 20
Well, technically not related
Can I just keep it going
For a little while longer
And see when it becomes serious
That's when you need to broach the situation
It's not going to be that serious at age 20
Is it?
It's becoming a bit serious now
Maybe, for her
You know
Maybe it is
Do you remember when you were little
And you used to go around to let your mum and dad
Make houses and you'd fancy their sons
And stuff or their daughters
It's kind of like that vibe, isn't it?
Yeah, I mean
I was like 12 or something
Still young
And I think if you split up with your husband
And then you go out with someone new
And you bring someone else into the house
You always want them obviously
To get on
You always run the risk of
This happening
Really
If they're attractive
I just think it is, as you say
A risk
That comes along with that territory
Blending families together
But what would you say?
From who?
From the mum's perspective
What do you think?
Can't she say to her mum
I've got feelings for
I've got feet
20 year old sensei
That babe
She just wants to say I'm shacking him, does she?
For me it's really important
That my daughter can have an open relationship with me
So I kind of
Hopefully she's got that relationship where she can go
I've got a quite like
Her son
I don't know if she's snogging your new girlfriend's son
One day
What do you mean?
What do you think?
Yeah, I'm not splitting up with you
Yeah, I know, but if you did that would be the thing, wouldn't it?
Tell me that's a long way down the line
We're supposed to be doing other people
Like helping other people
I think she should tell her mum
She should say to her mum, look, is it serious
With what's his name?
Don't think he's got a name at the moment
Is it serious because
Hunk
Because me and his son
Hunk Jr
Are really getting on
Yeah, I think be honest in this situation
If it's a one time thing
Then don't lie
I just think this must happen a lot
You know, when families get together
And get introduced to
Sons and daughters
You know, this is bound to happen
Hi Abby and Pete, I love the pod
Abs, you are my style icon
Your relationship is the ultimate goal
I've been in a situation for four years
Situations, yeah
What's a situation?
I think we're about to find out
I love that word
You put it in inverted commas
As well as situations
I've just turned 25
And I'm starting to really worry about my future
The guy in said
Situation
Refuses to discuss the future
Call me his girlfriend
Or have me anywhere near his friends and family
But often tells me he loves me
Bullshit
Another guy from work has started taking a big interest
And is talking about all the things I want in the future
And how he wants a chance to give me all the things I want
Should I give guy one an ultimatum
Or accept that it's never going to happen
And try with guy two
So I think
That's a million red flags
Right there
If they can't introduce you to friends and family
They don't want to call you your girlfriend
Four years is a long time
Four years is such a long time
As a girl you'd probably expect
Girlfriend introductions now
After four years
You compete like we met each other's families
After weeks
That's what I'm saying, it's a long time to go
And don't get me wrong, I'm not like every girlfriend
You go out with or everyone you meet on a Saturday night
I wouldn't be rushing to introduce them to your family
But after four years bloody hell
It's a long time isn't it
I think even the friends
I don't get
Surely you've got to meet the friends
I don't think you have to meet family
But friends
What you do on a Saturday, you've got to know the person
That you're getting involved with
Isn't it
If you're like a close knit family
Like I am
Then
It would be unusual for you to not be involved in that
Considering like I hang around with my brothers and sister
And you know that would be so weird
Looking at this from a different angle
What if his friends are bellens
And he doesn't like his family
And he actually really likes her
That's just not
Men aren't complex enough to
Even think of that
They're not complex enough
I just did
No but I mean
He doesn't want
He's got another girlfriend
Yeah but that's where you're going with it
Right but from a man's perspective
He might generally be a little bit embarrassed
About you know
He might be race day Jack
He could be pretending to be someone
Because he really likes her
And he doesn't want her to find out
That's no basis for relationship anyway
Yeah but obviously
It's not worth giving up and saying
Oh he's a cheat, he's a liar
When actually he might be
It might be an issue on his side
But that doesn't explain
I'm not going to call you my girlfriend
Does it? No
So he is a liar and a cheat
Correct, ultimatum
Go out with guy two
Definitely
Hi Ab, please help
I literally feel like I'm losing the plot
Five and a half years break up with me on Christmas Eve
Because we argued too much
Honestly the arguments were petty
I nag because the house is a mess and stuff like that
And the point is
I turned thirty last week
And I'm sort of having a meltdown
I've downloaded Hinge and Tinder
Etc but I don't fancy anyone
And it doesn't help that my ex is a six foot two supermodel
Doesn't drink
He's family orientated
And he's just all round ideal
And I don't fancy anyone else
I swear I'm going to be alone with my five dogs
I don't get out much either
As most of my friends have settled down
And I work from home
I've got an amazing job, I bought my own house
I have a lovely car so I should be grateful
But it's hard to see
That at the moment because I'm heartbroken
Please help
I worry about this for you
If we split up
What do you mean?
You just said you never split up with me
Like the previous question
And you struggle
Because the benchmark's been set
Do you know what, baby?
You're not wrong there
I'll agree with you on that one
Obviously, I'm joking there
I don't think
She's finding it difficult
Because she still seems to have loved
The thing is she's still in love
She sounds to me like she's still in love
So she can't move on
And this is just proof that
Nice house, nice cars don't make you entirely happy
Your home isn't filled with love
And you're not red and dirty
With your love sitting next to you
Nothing else matters
But also it means those trivial arguments about
Mother's Day
And the house being messy
They build up and things can happen
If you want to leave Pete
You know where the door is
Just a warning
Don't dare warn me, I'll warn you
You'll never get as good as me
No chance
True
And you'd be alone with your five dogs
Well, not for long
I'd actually prefer having five dogs than you
That's the one thing I would have
I'd have more pets
More pets
You'd be a sad dog woman
Don't offend our dog fans
Yeah, but fives a bit much, innit?
Depends
Anyway, so what does she do?
She's struggling
She prepares to erect her
Can't you get back in touch with them?
I think maybe you reach out though
It's obvious that this guy is
The one
It feels that way
But that's the thing, there's nothing harder
Than a one way love
No
No, I agree
It's like the biggest heartbreak
Because you can't make someone love you
I can make you
Love me
Who's son is that?
I don't know
No, so I think try and reach out
And maybe say, do you know what
I think we should put these petty differences behind
And give it a go
You're pretty mighty used as an excuse
To get rid
Difficult when you don't know what a background
How do you boys dump people?
Slow ghost
Ghost
Do you ghost people?
I think ghosts are probably the man
The man way about it, isn't it?
Just cut all ties
If you ghost me, I'd literally turn over your house
There's no way I could ghost you
Unless I move to like this
I'd have to move to like the
Nairobi or something
You'd have to pretend to be dead forever
I do what that fella did
Ghost, ghost is awful
Because you
It's not on where since someone not replying
It makes you so angry
I suppose it's the
Wondering, isn't it?
Where is he?
I think it'd be slightly different now
We've got four kids and we'd be married and stuff
If I just ghosted you
If I just ghosted you now
I'd be a bit out of order
Imagine you ghosted me now
Imagine, seriously, if I just ghosted you
You ghosted me when you were in Cheltenham last week
No
If I literally just went out
And gone
People do that
I absolutely love your podcast
They get me through a journey to and from work
It's like waiting for the next episode
Of your favourite series when I finish it
The day it comes out
I laugh out loud every time
You guys are amazing, very nice
I have two little boys
A seven year old and a four year old
And they just don't seem to get on
For a maximum of 30 minutes if we're lucky
Then we have to separate them before one of them
Scratches or punches
Or throws something at the other
I don't fancy being referee anymore
Do your kids get on
And when they don't
Do you help them to be mates?
I tell them they're lucky to have siblings
But they don't want to listen
What are we doing so wrong?
I must add they are angels at childcare
But they're separated
When we go out of the house together
There's no absolute war
Any advice for this mum who's wandering house
She gave birth to two enemies
Anita
I'll probably put one up for adoption
This is a really difficult one
They're obviously great kids
You love them dearly
But they just don't get on
Well
Just because you're siblings
You're expected to get on
Luckily our kids do get on
But they have the moments, don't they?
I think all kids have the moments
I think that having
Sophia and Lib don't really argue that much
Because there's a big gap with the three little ones
We had like three under five at one stage
And Lib, just her nature
Is really like loving and mothering
So she was always very very kind
To Johnny
To the little ones
And then obviously Jack
Was the baby so didn't really play with them
But now Jack's
Jack's three now and Johnny's five
And they're playing together
God, they'll be playing lovely
And then all of a sudden they'll just kill each other
And you literally have to pry them apart
So I think it's normal
And I think you know
There's so many different stages
Of our relationships
Go in a kid's life
Like
You know I was 12 years older
Than my little brother and sister
And now we hang around together
We were talking about it the other day
Like I had a very different relationship
With Ellie and John growing up
Than Ellie and John had together
Or me and Sean had together
Because they were babies at the same time
And grew up together
But now you're older, you have an amazing relationship with the younger ones
Because you've sort of caught up almost
In a weird way
But I think it's totally natural
For siblings to fight
And especially if the two little boys
That's like a kind of normal boy thing to do
Everyone who I know has got two little boys
That say they just roll around
Wrestling all the time
And it does happen in ours
I think we're quite lucky in the fact that those three
I think having Lib as the referee is quite good
But what's different in our dynamic
Is that Sophia now is sort of out
And she's almost into a teenager stage
She's not a teen yet
But she feels like she is
And she hasn't got the time for the little ones
And the little ones don't want to do what she's doing
So it feels like she's sort of separated
And you've got the three little ones
It's a good little pack aren't it
But as long as we make sure as parents
That we do things with Sophia
And we do things with the little ones
But we do
I think because the little ones get on
So well together and play together
And entertain each other
A lot of the focus is always on Sophia
Like she has a swim and she has a friend
If she wants to do one on one things
With me I always do it with her
Yeah but I think that's important
Because she hasn't got that same bond
They're like that together aren't they
Yeah they are
That bond is not the word
It's kind of interests
She hasn't got the same interests
Like they're still playing with toys
And playing little games and making dens
And she's like no I want to put my lipos on
And do a tiktok
Do a tiktok
Yeah but I think
Hopefully this is a phase
And they probably will
When they become a bit older
Actually
They'll look after each other
Yeah
Having a brother that's similar in age
In a few years
It'll be great, they'll be best friends
Yeah they will be
So Anita I just think stick with it
But it is hard for a mum because you think
Oh when you see them being so mean
Like kids can be so mean
And when they're being so vile to each other
You're like oh my god
Four and seven are difficult ages anyway aren't they
They can be
If they're both boys
Just stick with it
Anita hang in there I'm sure they'll be best friends
Alright well I enjoyed today
It's nice going down memory lane
Take us back to Liverpool
Some of your phrases are funny
You know the people are great
I married one
So you know what my feelings are
They must be good
They make them like that
It must be a good place
Why don't I feel like you're taking the pain
The truth
The truth
Yeah so that's another week done
I hope you enjoyed it
And please subscribe to us
On Apple
Spotify
On our YouTube, on our website
And yeah
Get more Crouch Fun
Clancy Crouch Fun
Yeah so therapycrouch.com
For lots more Crouch Clancy fun
Daddy Oaks baby
Machine-generated transcript that may contain inaccuracies.
On today’s episode of the Therapy Crouch, we are going full Scouse power and taking a look at Abbey’s Liverpudlian roots.
In Weekly Whine Club, we hear how Mother’s Day in casa de Crouch went down (expect some fireworks) and the extraordinary lengths Peter has to go to for a simple slice of chocolate in his own home.
Abbey also gives a crash course in some of her favourite Scouse lingo and we learn why should never call someone’s meat antwacky.
So, go grab yourself a lolly ice and enjoy this week’s episode of The Therapy Crouch!
Tara la!
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