Les Grosses Têtes: BEST OF - Les 10 meilleures blagues du dimanche

RTL RTL 9/17/23 - Episode Page - 10m - PDF Transcript

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You don't have a funny story, Mr. Bigard?

It happens on the Belgian border.

There's a customs officer, he stops at a square, it's called Quattro,

and he opens the door and looks, he says no, you're five inside.

He says yes, we're five, he says no, it's a Quattro.

He says wait, it's a joke or what, I know we're in Belgium, but wow.

He says I can talk to your superior and says no, impossible.

There he's busy with the two guys in the UNO.

It's the Pope who's very sick and the Cardinals meet and he calls all the

doctors from Italy and everyone goes to his horse and the situation doesn't improve.

And the Pope's health deteriorates day by day.

And then there's the Cardinal's boss who makes people listen to a doctor

who would get results that the current doctor doesn't have.

There's a little Cardinal, yeah, I know a guy who's not bad,

who's a little acupuncture, a little medium, he gets the results.

Well, make him come, then.

He convokes Thoubib, and Thoubib is locked up with the Pope after two hours.

The Cardinals tell him, so there's a way to save him.

He says, yeah, maybe I think there's a way.

What do we have to do?

Well, you'd have to kiss him.

Cardinal's boss says, well, you have to do it, there's a chance.

You have to try it, but we do it in one condition.

One, you have to be blind.

You don't have to recognize the Pope if there's something.

You don't have to let it go.

Two, you have to be mute.

If you never recognize the Pope, you have to be really...

And three, you have to be very, very snobby.

And Cardinal says, you're very snobby.

Why are you so snobby?

The other one, you don't know what he's going to love.

He's a horse, a tourist, an English horse, he drinks his beer.

And you find another horse that goes into the bar,

he runs, he hits it, he takes it in the middle.

He puts it in the mouth, he hits it on the ground and all,

he hits it, he says, what are you doing?

He says, you're a tourist, you drank your beer quietly.

He says, yeah, but it was in English.

He says, so, he says, OK, kill Napoleon.

Well, he says, yeah, but he says, it's been 200 years.

Well, he says, excuse me, I just learned it.

A Turk who is a Belgian, he's on a boat and he's fishing.

And the lines are flat.

So he tries to demel the line and there he feels a touch,

very, very strong.

So he shoots, he holds on to the lines,

he gets a huge fish.

And the Greek obviously does, it's my fish.

The Turk says, no, it's my fish.

The Greek says, no, look, it's my line.

The Turk doesn't do it at all, it's my line.

And the lines are so flat that it's impossible to know who the fish is.

They argue for an hour.

After an hour, the Greek says, oh, you listen, you're nice,

we're not going to spend the night, I suggest you something.

I'm telling you, you move an ear,

you push one little cry, the fish is mine.

And then you miss the same thing.

We don't cry.

The Turk agrees.

Can you not say that you're a miser at the table?

I said to my place.

I'm not close to going to the fish.

I think Bernard was more funny than my fall.

If you want, I'll take you to my gauze.

And then?

So he drops his pants.

The Greek says goodbye.

Thank God.

Finally, thank you.

The Turk dies a piece of wood because I didn't want him to say a big word.

The Turk dies a piece of wood, very, very hard.

The Greek shows him.

That is to say, half an hour.

And the Turk, who is stoic, has just a tear that loses along his play.

And the Greek says, well done, well done.

Not a noise, not a cry, well done.

The Turk says, OK, now, the Greek looks at them and says,

wait, we're not going to laugh at a fish anyway.

Well, that's a blonde who comes to the Fnac.

You just see another blonde.

So she's going to shoot you.

Well, okay.

That press stopped there.

It's already funny.

But they think we're in the library.

What's even worse, you see, it's completely unexpected.

And she says to the front of this blonde,

he says, I'd like a book.

And the other says, what height?

Roll, say, 20 centimeters.

You see, she was almost finished before she started it.

And the lady, she's going to have the doctor.

He says, it's okay, because I have a doctor.

So he says, listen, I can tell you the truth.

He says, yes.

And he says, you have a double cancer,

plus three kinds of cancer.

And you have it for 15 days.

So she says, well, well, listen,

I'm going to ask you for a second opinion.

It doesn't bother you.

She says, not at all.

Not at all.

I can give it to you.

So she says, what's your second opinion?

She says, you're very led.

I had one on the old ones.

Come on, come on, a little strong too.

You're going to see in the room.

Try always.

Well, listen, it happens in a house.

So two elderly people, big house.

There are 120 old people in there.

And each month, there are activities,

in particular, a hypnotizer who comes every month

and hypnotizes two or three people, you see,

in these little old people.

And they are very happy, it's funny,

he does things and one day he comes and says,

I'm going to do something exceptional.

I'm going to make everyone fall asleep.

In the 120 old people.

They are in the same room.

They are there.

And we put a very, very soft music.

He comes out, an old brolok in gold, you know.

He takes one of his big white hair.

White hair, a little irresistible, like that.

He takes the hair, the stain, the watch.

And there is only one light left on the world

that makes a pendulum like that.

And he says, I'm going to hypnotize you all.

I'm going to count up to three.

And you will sleep in a deep sleep.

One, two, three, four.

All the old people fall asleep.

And he says, from now on,

all the words that will come out of my mouth

will be considered as orders.

You are in the desert.

You are hot.

You dress up immediately.

All the old people dress up

and some are completely naked and all.

He says, you sleep.

You sleep in a deep sleep.

And at that moment, there is the hair

that breaks.

There is his watch that falls.

And he, we catch it, he says, oh shit!

They put three weeks to clean the room.

There are two blondes who walk in front of the field

and there is one who says, oh look at the horses.

So the other one says, oh no, it's horses.

Oh it's crazy that it looks like horses.

Yes, there are horse hooves.

I always love Jean-Marie's little calendar.

It's a couple from Belgium, totally NYU Derft.

They come to pay the loan to the making company.

They have the invoice, they say to his wife,

if you were going to make the lottery...

Okay, so why haven't you got the opportunity

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to

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Chaque dimanche, retrouvez les meilleures blagues de vos Grosses Têtes préférées. Jean-Marie Bigard, Laurent Baffie ou encore Michel Boujenah, découvrez dans ce podcast, 10 des meilleures blagues passées à l'antenne et racontées par les Grosses Têtes.

Retrouvez tous les jours le meilleur des Grosses Têtes en podcast sur RTL.fr et l'application RTL.