The Therapy Crouch: Back to School!

Therapy Crouch Therapy Crouch 9/12/23 - Episode Page - 47m - PDF Transcript

Hey, I'm Ryan Reynolds. At Mint Mobile, we like to do the opposite of what Big Wireless does.

They charge you a lot, we charge you a little.

So naturally, when they announced they'd be raising their prices due to inflation,

we decided to deflate our prices due to not hating you.

That's right, we're cutting the price of Mint Unlimited from $30 a month to just $15 a month.

Give it a try at slash switch.

New activation and upfront payment for three-month plan required.

Taxes and fees extra. Additional restrictions apply.

Mint for full terms.

Well, well, well, shopping for a car?

Yep, Carvana made financing a car as smooth as can be.

Oh yeah?

I got pre-qualified instantly and had real terms personalized just for me.

It doesn't get much smoother than that.

Well, I got to browse thousands of car options on Carvana, all within my budget.

Doesn't get much smoother than that.

It does. I actually wanted a car that seemed out of my range,

but I was able to add a co-signer and found my dream car.

It doesn't get much…

Oh, it gets smoother.

It's getting delivered tomorrow.

Visit or download the app to get pre-qualified today.

Friday night, I've got babies here.

Friday night, Friday night.

Can I just say, hold on, that was my weekly wine and I've apologised at the end of it.

I hate it when people do that.

Don't know if you like about me.

I love everything about you, babe.

Hello, and welcome to The Therapy Crouch with me, Abby Clancy.

Me, Peter Crouch.

How good does it feel to be back?

It does feel good to be back.

Yeah, we recorded when we were away, but it's nothing like home, is there?

And in this setup…

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

And yeah, it's good to be back.

It's good to be back.

And I'm glad the kids are back in school.

I mean, that's what we're talking about today, but Jesus Christ, it's a long old summer.

It was like the never-ending summer, wasn't it?

We felt that way, yeah.

I mean, we were fortunate enough to be able to go away and stuff and try and keep them entertained,

but I don't remember my summers being that long.

I also don't remember being next to my mum for 10 weeks every single day and night

and not leaving her side, do you?

No, no, no.

We just got no time off the way at all.

So, Peter and I didn't even go for one meal on our own from the 7th of July till…

7th of September.

Yeah, exactly.

So, we are due…

We're going on, Ross.

Yeah, well done.

A star for you.

So, we are due a little date night.

Yeah, we are.

It's long overdue, I'd say.

Where do you want to go?

Because I've been feeling sorry for myself in that respect.

Yeah, well, you don't…


I just want to dress up and go out and feel like a young girl in love.

Do you know what I mean?

I want to date you again.

Yeah, well, I'd like to date you too.

So, let's make it happen, right?

They're in school now.

Do you have to do date days when you've got kids?

Do you try and do them?

Because you can't do date nights.

Are you shooting with babysitting and stuff?

Do you have to do, like, a date day?

Well, a tip to new parents, starting a family,

consider your own life when you're trying to conceive for children

because no one wants to babysit for kids or can physically do it.

It's a two-man job, at least.

You know, something we didn't put any thought into, really.

Too busy enjoying trying to worry about the looking after and all.

Yeah, you're like, you'll take the pain afterwards.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's what you say.

It's like, it's that famous yoga advert, isn't it?

With the pleasure comes the pain.

Oh, I think that is very true of children.

And your yoghurt.


You're putting me off yoghurt now, and I love yoghurt.


You're getting general, or?

Not that kind of yoghurt.

Absolutely disgusting.

No, I'm just, you filthy boys, turning my love of yoghurt to a different...

It is a bit of a sausage first in here.

It is a sausage first in here.

We've actually got...

We're joined by another scouser today, Jordan.

Hello, Jordan.

Hello, everyone.

He looks like he's having a whale of a time.

I've got a nice view up your short there, Jordan.

No, but I love yoghurt.

What's your favourite yoghurt, then?

I like a Greek yoghurt, or a natural?

I like a natural Greek yoghurt.

With a bit of honey.

I like the...

I'll be honest with you, it's the corners.



Well, I know what they're doing.

Yeah, they do, don't they?

Mullicornah is the one.

Do you like the fruity ones, or do you like the chocolatey ones?

I like the fruity.

How do you eat yours?

Because it really annoys me.

So, I hate it when people tip in the kind of strawberry compote.

Isn't that funny?

And me.

Because it's exactly what I do.

Is that what you do?


As if you've not seen me do that.

I hate it when people do that.

Is there anything you like about me?

I love everything about you, though.

When you...

So, Sophia does it as well.

She tips the whole strawberry compote into this thing.

I can't go straight in and mix it up.

Mix it up.

Oh, no, don't do that.

No, I get...

Is that a no-no?

Yeah, I'm a dip.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm a dip.


Yeah, but I do do that sometimes.

But it's...

You have to get a spoonful of the normal yoghurt,

and then dip it in the thing.

And it sticks to it.

Up to the end.

Yeah, that's all right.

Yeah, I do get that.

That is good.

It's like a creme egg.


I know this stupid thing, but how do you eat yours?

I love creme eggs.

Well, I bite the head off.

I lick the ins and lick it out.

So do I.

That's what I do.

You know, I had a creme egg every single day

when I was pregnant.

Did you?


You loved the creme eggs.

Your mum would say that with fabs.

But they have to be ice cold from the fridge,

so the creme's hard.

Ice cold?


It's a bit of a workout and licking it out.

Keep yourself well-trained.

You know, so going back to the...

What were we talking about, ice creams?

We went to the park.

We had a lovely day.

It was nice and sunny, but a great walk.

Ice cream van.

And obviously, I've got the dogs.

I'm away from the ice cream van because he's probably

just like Nick and Kid's ice cream or something.

So I'm keeping Jeffrey away and I just shouted over.

I'll have a 99 and Ab said, like, quite quietly,

away from the queue, you sure you don't want a 69.


And I'm obviously a great guy.

Wing, wing.

You know, between us.

Loved it.

All good.

Sophia turns round 12.

That's disgusting.

Do you know what that is?

Mum, do you have fire?


Said you're a child, wasn't it?

I was like, what do you mean?

I was a gag between me and your mother.

Couldn't believe it.

Oh, my God.

I would dive in bad ice cream.

She just went, oh, my God.

She went, you're disgusting.

She was like, I know what that means.

I was like, how on earth...

I said, well, I'm just talking about a different style of ice cream.

What are you talking about?

It's two flakes.

Two flakes.

It's two flakes instead of that.

One at the top, one at the bottom.

It's a double-ended ice cream.

So, you know, we were completely mortified.

Well, that shook us up a bit.

Anyway, I thought, oh, can we have to watch the gags now?



Just, you know, it happens.

They change.

But I think that's the thing with the senior school.

You know, they're exposed to so many, so much more.

That was a shock for me, because we're navigating,

obviously she's our oldest,

we're navigating this kind of teenage thing now.

I still don't know what a 69 is.

I'll show you.

I am...

Got some videos.

I was filming my TV show.

No, the interior show that I'm doing with ITV.

For the day when we did Olivia Bowen and she was on Love Island.

And her house is amazing.

You know, she's actually got like the whole kind of Love Island set up in a garden.

You know, the sofas around the fire,

bit and all that, it's amazing.

Her house and she was absolutely gorgeous, lovely, lovely girl,

gorgeous little baby.

And I was desperate to ask her what the broken eagle was.

You know, that sex position they do.


So for the listeners here,

Ross is actually lying on the floor with John on top of him doing the broken eagle.

Wow, if anyone who can't say unfortunately...

It's a reverse missionary.

Reverse missionary is probably a better way.

What do you mean reverse missionary?

She said the girl's on top,

but she's like the first thing, she's thrusting.


Oh, okay.


So the men...

Oh, I'll get that.

I'll tell you why it's called a broken eagle,

it's a potential for breakage there.

That's what I was thinking.

Well, it could be the eagle could break.

Back to school.

You know, I was really apprehensive about going back to school

because the kids have changed schools.

For various reasons, I wanted a co-ed environment

and you know, the journey was like an hour and 10 minutes there

and back every day and you know, it'd be a nightmare

if you forgot a swimming kit or something.

Going all the way back

and you know, various other changes,

but I absolutely loved their previous schools.

So I was actually brokenhearted to leave.

So they all started their new school together,

the three little ones.

And you know, it was pretty seamless, wasn't it?

Well, it was.

It was a little bit.

Yeah, like Jack had a kind of like bit of a meltdown day too,

didn't he?

Because he was like,

I think he's going from nursery to reception

and he's in a classroom now.

Yeah, it's a completely...

Like a play, you know, just messing around with toys

and now he's in a class doing work

and he's like, hold on a minute.

There's no other sound before.

Didn't say that, but it is.

Yeah, because he's gone from like free flow

play with like toys and stuff.

And they obviously do a little in the nursery

to a kind of more structured classroom set.

And then he was like, there's no space.

And he went, he do swimming lessons in the school.

And he was like, and the deep end in the pool, shallow.

What a thing to be moaning about.

It's like, I don't want to go to that school

because the deep end shallow.

Madness, but you know what?

And I got a confession to make, to be honest,

because obviously like day two,

he was like, I don't want to go.

It was hard to kind of get him into school.

So I just said, look, get dressed.

While you get dressed, have a look at Transformers

because I'm going to buy you one.

Just blatantly just bought him a Transformer

to so he'd go to school.

So that should be arriving today.

But that's not good parenting.

Well, it is because he stopped in crying.

He was happy and he went in.

Yeah, but you set the standard then

to every time they're upset,

you need to buy them something.

No, no, no, no, it's just that,

I just think there's not many times

where I would do that if he's crying

because it's like, no, come on,

you don't get your own way when you're crying.

But the thing is with Jack, he's not a complainer, is he?

So I knew he wasn't happy

because he doesn't complain, Jack.

Can deal with any situation he's faced with.

He's like really cool as a child.


You know, I don't like seeing it

especially with such a big thing like at school.

So I got him a little toy to cheer him up.

So we've got a cheetah coming, Transformer.

Well, I've got the puppy arriving as well.


Optimus Prime, it's called.

That's a class name.

That was Jack's.

Jack's, so what do you want to call it?

It was Optimus Prime.

Can't we see Pete shouting that around the common?


I won't be shouting it.


Pete said.

Jeffrey and Optimus.

Bizarre combo.

Peter has refused to have any interest in this dog.

He said he's not taking it for walks and he walks Jeffrey.

He's not cuddling it.

He's not having, he's not feeding it.

He's not doing anything.

So the other day we were going, we were out as a family

and we were going past the dog breeders house.

So I was like, should we just pop in?

Went straight past it.

So should we just pop in and see Charlotte and see the pup?

In two minutes, Pete's nurse and the dog kissing it, cuddling it.

Totally fell in love.

My issue is, is like, I'm not, I'm not against dogs.

You know, I'm not like, I don't like dogs, I like dogs.

I love them.

I like dogs.

And that's the thing is, I know that when I get it.

I'm only married one.

Yeah, he has used that on me a few times.

No, it says like, no kids or dogs.

We go to walk and he's like, no, baby can't come in.

I know dogs allowed.

Well, you're far from a dog.

That's why I'm allowed to say it.

But what I'm saying is, I don't need this love in my life.

Like I keep saying it over and over again.

I've got so many things that I love in this house.

And if you bring another thing in, it's another thing to worry about.

It's another thing to take care of.

And it's just physically impossible for one man to be able to cope with this many things.

Dogs, cats, children, wives.


I was just, I don't know, you had more than one wife.

Pete, do you want to elaborate on that?

Self to juggle.

No, I've only got one wife.

There's only one girl for me.

But the dog, obviously, I went there and it's a puppy.

I mean, I'm not like, it's gorgeous, obviously.

But I just don't, I don't think, I think it's a terrible idea.

Like you, you wanted to, you would, you say this, you just like dip in and out.

I think it's like a kind of form of manipulation that you like to do.

It's like, make me feel worried about it.

Be one to call it Diego last night or Maradona.


These are his names.

Diego Maradona.

What did Lib want to call it?

I don't want to play this game because it's your favourite game.

And I remember when we were pregnant, obviously the name game,

obviously you'd need to play the name game because you'd need to get a name.

But it was every, every single evening.

I was like, I can't do any more names.


Divock, yeah.

Divock was the one, we should have gone for that.

Anyway, shall we jump into our weekly wines?

We're out of wine or let's say we're refraining from wine.

You know, we've done a summer on Rose.

You know, there's only so much Lady A I can drink.

You know, I'm, my blood is basically Lady A right now.

So we're on the cordial.


We're on the rybean.

We're on the health kick.

And let me say, I actually went to the gym today with Ab and I thought, you know,

I usually go like on my own.

So, you know, I don't want to be kind of like lots of women in there.


Or I'll just do my own stuff anyway.

So I went with Ab today for us to be a breeze.

Fucking wasn't.

These girls go hard.

Bums and sums.

I've never done something squats.

I'm going to ask like Kim Kardashian by then if I keep this up.

So have you changed to the Conqueror and Hankey?

What's up?

Pete's tiny little bum.

Going from like looking like a camel to a, to an absolute, I'll be like, well,

then I hear big ass, big ass girls.

Big ass.

Big ass girls.

What's all the rage now?

I want to be, I want to be a big ass girl.

You've got great ass.

Do you think?



It could, it could do with a little bit of a hoik.


Those squats.

So this class is called Switch and it's hardcore.

Like the sweat that's pouring out.

What I like about it is it's no nonsense, is it?

You get in there.

Oh, it's the no-nonsense approach.

There's no rest.

It's like no rest.

Like you're just banging out.

40 minutes, bang.

The kind of squats, the press-ups, everything like all that.

And then you get, you just swap and do 30 seconds, like intense kind of,

was it four minutes but like 30 seconds intense, 30 seconds?


And the trainer, Abby, her body is unreal and it's so inspiring.

No, every time I'm sitting on the bike going,

I'll just cheat now and just not really do it.

And then she walks past you and like,

no, I want her ass.

I'm doing it, I'm doing it.

You know, her body is like, she's ripped, isn't she?

I'll be honest, I didn't do that.

I didn't go, oh, I want her ass.

Oh, yeah.

So what have you got a weekly one?

Oh, you have got a weekly one?

Yeah, I've got one now.

Obviously, like, thank God this podcast has taken off right.

We've got the opportunity to write a book, right?

And we're doing it at the moment.

And we've done most of it, I'd say,

but it comes to like the dedications, okay?

So I thought it'd be nice if you wrote a dedication to me

and maybe I wrote a dedication to you.

Yeah, which is what we did.

No, you wrote my dedication to you.

And so how is that a dedicate?

Like, that should be a surprise.

Like, when you first opened the book and you go, oh, it's incredible.

She wrote her own dedication to herself from me.

I know, but because I just think I can...

I tried to get away with it, like...

I can say, I can say how you feel about me better than you can to me.

But how do you know how I feel about you?

Because I just took your, yours was like a bit of an outline

and I just embellished it.

I wrote a dedication and she changed it, basically.

And I looked at, like, obviously, a sort of...

Yeah, but you left...

So obviously we've got our book coming out on the 12th of October

and it's been amazing, you know, hilarious stories.

It's like an A to Z on relationships.

Kind of, you know, spin off from the podcast,

if you like, but it's funny and we've had a lot of different...

Please don't use, don't take any of the advice as advice.

So disclaimer.

No, but it's been great and, you know,

I feel so proud to have my own book out with my husband.

It's like quite a surreal thing.

So I wanted the dedication to be up to scratch

and I don't think yours was.

I'm bearing in mind...

Didn't think it was.

No, it was a bit like...

I've got it, actually.

I've got your original one.

I won't read the one that you put in.

You put in.

I ended it with a beaver emoji.

Did you?


And I think if you like the podcast

and, you know, you get involved in the book,

I think you're going to appreciate a beaver emoji.

So this was Pete's dedication, which I had to change

and I'm sure you'll agree, Ross.


This book is for all the couples like us

who will never be able to understand

why their partner does, says or acts the way they do,

but you love them for it anyway.

Beaver emoji.

It could be more heartfelt.

I will admit.

So you didn't even mention me?

So what did you say?

Well, it wasn't for you, that one.

I did one for you after that.

Acknowledgements to our friend's family

and beautiful children who are without...

So dull.

Yeah, I didn't mention you, actually.

Yeah, exactly.

You didn't mention me.

In the dedication.


So the first book you brought out, the Peter Crouch book.

You know I'm dedicated to you, anyway.

You didn't even mention...

I didn't get mentioned once in the whole book.

You did when?

In your first book that you brought out.

That is such a lie, because I did everyone, right?

And I left you to last to my and save the most lines for you.

But like, I obviously, I knew for the next time...

I'm not going to read that whole thing.

It's about that big babe.

You literally only read the acknowledgements

in whenever I've done the books.

Yeah, because I want to see what you've got to say for yourself about me.

No, but in this one, you didn't mention me at all in the dedication.

Well, actually, in hindsight, I think you were probably right to change that.

Okay, but we're not going to reveal the dedication,

because I think I did an incredible job when you left it back.

Oh, I'm sure you did.

Can I just say, hold on, that was my weekly wine,

and I've apologised at the end of it.

I've just done a weekly wine about something that's annoyed me about you,

and I've ended up saying, oh, sorry about that.

That was my fault.

We're back, baby.

We're back, baby.

Whole Foods Market has savings to power your day

during the Kickstart the Season event.

Take advantage of a huge sale on all supplements,

like vitamins, protein powders, probiotics, and more.

There's a sale on all-packaged coffee to get you back in the groove,

plus find wallet-happy prices on breakfasts like organic eggs and bacon

from 365 by Whole Foods Market.

And when the week gets busy, bring home a family meal

and let the pros do the cooking.

Kickstart fall at Whole Foods Market.

Terms apply.

Hey, Prime members.

You can listen to this show, Add Free, on Amazon Music.

Download the Amazon Music app today.

Right, shall we get some audience wines?

Right, some nicer ones here.

We sit on the last pod.

We don't want everyone moaning all the time.

Oh, yes.

We feel like we're bringing down the vibe.

Hi, all.

Just wanted to say a massive thank you for the podcast.

Since having our baby over a year ago,

my husband and I don't do much.

It's just the two of us.

However, this summer, we've enjoyed listening to your podcast together

and debating the wines in a positive way.

Our baby naps for three hours a day,

and it's given us more reason to sit together.

They're during those nap times,

rather than spending time separately doing chores, etc.

Eddie and Jeff, PS, my husband,

is as much of a wine up as Pete, I feel for you.

Oh, congratulations on the baby.

Jeff sounds like a ledge.

Congrats on the baby.

That's a nice one, isn't it?

Yeah, but we've said it before, and we'll say it again.

This is the whole point of this podcast.

It is to get couples talking.

You know, the amount of stories we've gone over

from when we first started dating

and experiences we've had,

and funny times, sad times, happy times,

it is a form of therapy, and it is nice.

The weekly wine segment is great

because you are allowed to air your problems,

get them off your chest, deal with it, and put it to bed.

Well, I think everyone can kind of resonate with the problems.

Everyone has the same issues, don't they, sometimes?

You know, hopefully it's like you say it's a bit of escapism,

certainly for really and Jeff there, and I appreciate that.

Love one.

Listening to you guys talk about the accent you do at McDonald's,

reminder of me, of what me and my husband,

me and my wife do at supermarkets.

When we're waiting at the tills,

my wife will do this little kick and kick me in the butt.

Then she pretends it wasn't her.

I'll look behind me, and if there's a stranger standing behind me,

I'll look at them as if they've kicked me.

It gets the old chuckle from them,

and my wife thinks it's so funny, 13 years later.

That is superb.

Great punter.

Yeah, that is really, really good.

Could you just give you a little slap on the arse and hide,

and then turn around and just look at someone, like evils,

you're disgusting.

That's a new game for us.

That is a cracker, that.



I mean, the accents at the drive through are unreal.

Because my favourite one is your Scottish.


Yeah, can you do a...

I can't.

I'd like a Big Mac.

Hello, can I have a Big Mac, please?

That's a large phrase.

Wow, that is impressive.

That is really good.

I was like, how can you not have fun with that?

So that accent thing, when we were getting off the plane,

the other day coming home, there was this Spanish family,

these two, like Spanish women, kids, whatever.

And something happened, I can't remember what.

There was an issue on the plane, wasn't there, about something?

Some issue.

And then they were slagging me off,

and Scott, my sister's boyfriend, is fluent in Spanish,

so he was laughing and going,

these are proper slagging you off here.


So he gave me a reply, he told me how to say in Spanish,

I speak Spanish, you know, I can understand what you're saying.

So I said that line to them in Spanish,

and they shit themselves.

Great stuff.

That is so funny.

It's great stuff that.

But that Scottish, it's a belter.

It's a gift out there.

It's a belter.

She's a belter.

She's a belter.

So back to school.

You know, it is that funny thing, isn't it?

Like, you moan the whole summer holidays,

when am I going to get them in its peace,

and they go back and everyone on the playground's like,

oh, God, I've got to miss them so much.

And like, we've all been moaning for 10 weeks,

that we need some time away from them, and now they're in.

But it was so bizarre coming back to the house,

and, you know, it's so bizarre coming back to the house

in that peace and quiet.

I have to say, I enjoyed it.

I love my children so much.

But that moment of coming home, and having no one here,

and the quietness was up there with my England debut.

That is awful.

Now, I genuinely had a little tear in the car.

Such a special moment.

She's a joy.

No, not tears of joy, tears of sadness,

and now it's ridiculous.

I wish there was such thing as a pause remote.

Oh, like, click, like Adam Sandler.

Yeah, just so you could, like, pause

and just...

I'd love to, like, pause all the kids

and then clean the house and get everything right,

or, like, have a nap, or me and you go for a dinner.

That's what you choose to do.

When you pause the kids, you'd clean the house.

That is not normal.

There's so many other great things you could do.

You put... Everyone knows it makes me happy,

so just don't judge me.

I don't moan at you for playing golf.

I like...

Yeah, you do.

I know, but I like... That makes me happy.

I know it does, I know it does.

Clean house, so...

You wouldn't want to be married to an absolute scruff?

No, I wouldn't.

I like, you know, I like the house tidy,

and I know that you like it tidy more than me.

I bought a new dice.

Did you?


Well, the other one's just like...

She's just like...

You know, when it just wears away,

like, she uses it up much.

It's broken in the half-term,

because it was overuse.

Yeah, I mean, I've never known a relentless hoovering like it.

It's phenomenal, isn't it?

We have to.

That's the good thing about this new dog,

we're getting it doesn't molt.

Do you know I've got a wine, a little one.

Oh, God.

It's like, when you show me the dust in the hoover,

she goes like, it's like so proud.

She goes,

Pete, I can't much dust there in the hoover.

That is so boring.

I don't want to see it.

I'm sorry, but you do, you do it every time.

I reckon, every other day,

you show me the dust in the hoover.

Because it was empty when it started an hour ago,

and it's full?

Yeah, is that what you're showing me?

Just the amount of...

Yeah, I'm just saying, you think the house is clean,

but it's not.

Look at that.

Because obviously we're getting the roof done,

so the house is just full of dust.

Like, it's an absolute nightmare,

and it doesn't seem to be a good thing to do.

Absolute nightmare, and it doesn't sit well with me.

I cannot physically cope with it.

I don't know.

It's, you know, it's just the way I am.

You're just saying something to bear in mind in future,

showing me the dust in the hoover.

I don't care.

You know, when you come home,

with your little silly scratch card,

with your little silly pencil...

Scratch card, you mean a score card?

Score card.

When you come home, you look silly,

yeah, and your little pencil,

and you're like, showing me all the scores

that you've done.

Do you know how fucking boring that is?

And I've got no interest in it,

and I couldn't care less

if you got a triple friggin' 90 million bogey.

I don't care.

Or missed every shot.


I don't care.

Too shy of a girl.

Too shy.

All right, I felt like we got a little bit of topic there.

Because you said I'm a boring wife.

I didn't say you're a boring wife at all.

I just said it's just something to...

If I don't bring these things up,

you know, you're going to keep showing me,

and I'm going to keep getting bored.

Because you don't take me out anywhere?

I just stay in the house cleaning all day.

That's not true.

I'm either in work, cleaning the house,

feeding kids, or I'll take you,

because you don't take me anywhere.

That's the face I gave you.

Well, because of that,

because I haven't taken you out.

Yeah, but you've been work.

Like, the first opportunity to take you out,

I'm taking you out.

Friday night, I've got babies here.

Friday night.

Friday night.

Where you taking me, Pete?

Do you mean meeting you after you play golf?


Yeah, but...

Pete, once our night out in ten weeks,

is for me to meet Peter and all his golf friends

after he's been playing 19 holes,

been drinking all day, pissed, and then...

Went to a play-off.

And then that's our romantic date night when I get there.

How does he know it's going to go to a play-off?

I don't...

That was just something to do.

I thought I'd like to involve you in what I like to do.

That was all.

I just, rather than me just go there,

because it's been booked in for ages,

it's like, I'd like to involve you.

It hasn't been booked in for ages

because you actually haven't been accepted on it yet.

I'm working on it.

I'm working on it.

Pete's furious because it's member golf day.

He can't get a place.

I have to say in something,

when even Mr Peter Crouch himself

can't get a day on the members golf of the earth.

Game's gone.

The game's gone.

Yeah, so anyway, listen back to school.

The kids are, I think, happy.

We're happy.

It's a good place.

Liberty said this morning,

what day is it?

And I said, it's Thursday.

She said, that means only one more day in school.

Should I just don't want the weekend to come

because I love school so much?

Which is a lovely thing, isn't it?

For a mother to hear that.

It's a big deal for them moving schools,

being moving away from the friends

that they've been in school from like three years old with.

She's now eight to start a new school.

She was so brave in going in

and for it to come back and saying that.

I was just like, oh my God, thank God.

It feels so really...

That is such a big thing,

like, because you don't move in them as hard,

isn't it?

And you just want them to be happy

and she just absolutely loves it.

And, you know, they all do, really, don't they?


Right, babe, I'm just going to move this on

to the agony house.

Is that all right with you?


All right, then.

I hope there's some good ones.

Well, this one from James.

In the mood, like, abusing someone.

Oh, yeah.

I'll take it out on James.

Hi, guys.

Me and my wife have a four-year-old daughter

who I absolutely adore.

But at times, our relationship feels more like daycare

as she gets way more excited about a day out with her

compared to when I take her out for a romantic evening.

I wouldn't change having a daughter for the world,

but how I would love the wife to get more excited

when it comes to our relationship.


So basically this man's jealous of his own daughter.

It looks that way, yeah.

It does look that way.

Hates his daughter.

I wouldn't swap having a daughter for the world,

but he feels like that's a weird one.

You're like that.

You're like that.

No, that's not true.

You do get a bit...

I like taking a kid out on my own sometimes,

and I don't think that's a bad thing.

I think a bit of bonding on your own is good sometimes.

No, I agree with that.

I think it's good.

But you do, if you're not getting enough attention.

Oh, of you?

Of me.


You get a bit.

Yeah, I do, yeah.

But you do as well.


Yeah, you do.

Babe, I don't.

Babe, you call me, and I haven't even left to drive.

Yeah, but that's...

That's just...

So I've been talking to you all morning,

and then you call me straight away.

But that's only because I want to talk to you.

It's not because you're...

Can't be apart.

That's why.

Well, you said to me you couldn't be apart from me.

Well, it's the truth, isn't it?

It's like, I do.

I like having you around.

No, but you do...

As been moments of a bit of jealousy

when it comes to our kids,

when I'm giving them loads of attention

and doing stuff, and you're like,





Yeah, but no, I don't know.

He sounds like he's...

I think...

Because it's the first baby as well,

she's obviously obsessed by it.

And he's...

They might have been together for a while,

and he's always become first,

and now he doesn't.

And that's facts.

Yeah, but I wouldn't...

I wouldn't be grudge coming second to our children.

I think that's the correct order.

Not at all, no.

When women say they love the husband more than the kids,

I'm like, what?

Who says that?

You say that?

I don't.

Do you say you love people more than the kids?

Absolutely not.

You love me more than the kids.

I definitely don't.

I lie now.

You give it the big in.

I don't.

I love you equally, but if there was an emergency,

I would save the kids over you.

And I would expect the same from you.

That's just what you do now.

Well, I don't know. I haven't got kids.

Yeah, but...

That I know of.

It's a bizarre thing when you do have kids,

though, being serious.

It's like, when you literally...

I don't know, it's the moment they come out,

you're like, ready to die for them, aren't you?

It's weird.

That's exactly what I'm saying.

It doesn't mean I love you any less.

And like, you're my...

I'm not arguing with you.

You are my favourite thing.

I totally agree with you.

You are my favourite thing, but for both of us,

you know, the kids are like, obviously, a priority.

Yeah, I mean...

So, a bit of context on our podcast.

Jon is moving the cameras in his underpants,

because it's so hot in here.

It's a mad vibe, this podcast.

This podcast is absolutely...

It's roasting in here, like, let's be honest.

Some reason I've got trousers on.

It's roasting.

I've got a long-sleeved dress on,

and Jon and Ross are both in their undies.

It's just...

It's a bizarre outfit.

Oh, you've got shades.

Oh, it's pretty short, so no.

The naked shamed.

I don't think it's any other podcast in the UK

that has naked producers.

Naked attraction.

Oh, that makes me sick, that shamed.

Imagine the smell of that set.

Naked attraction.

It's a bizarre concept.

Imagine waiting in the green room to go on as well.

Everyone's sat there naked on the couch.

Like, disgusting.

That shouldn't even be allowed, that.

Surely they have a dressing gown,

then they go out and drop it.

Bizarre show, isn't it?

Like, why would you go, why would you go,

oh, I'll have a bit of that.


Hi, Abby and Pete.

I have a bit of a wine regarding the weekly shop.

Every single week, I do the online shop

and ask my partner what he would like

to which I get the usual love or surprise me.

So here I am, planning the meals throughout the week

and buying the usual or only for my partner to mown

if something is missing.

The question of what are we having for your tea

and what's in is really driving me mad.

Not only am I thinking of someone,

not only am I thinking of something to cook each day

and planning the shop,

but the constant question, what's for tea,

really pisses me off.

I'm thinking of going on strike with the shop

and I'm frightened of what we'd end up with

if I gave the reins over to him.

Thanks, Eb.

It's a nice name.

Mm, Eb, yeah. Ebenezer.


Funny that.

What's for tea?

It is funny that, like, you say that to me.



No, what you say is like...

I say that to you and then cook it myself.

I don't feel like it's a massive job, like...

Cook it?


So if you do like an online shop, right,

you'll say, oh, God, I've got to do that online shop as if like...

Oh, God, yeah.

I don't think that's a...

Like, you just press a few buttons

and it turns up at your door.

But you go...

The way you go on about it...

It's not that.

It's mentally draining thinking of ideas to make only to be put down

by the whole family when you serve it to them

on a fucking silver platter at the table.

Do you know what I mean?


No, I get that, but I always...

I love your meals.

Your meals are lovely.

So what would you...

OK, if you were doing...

I'm just talking about the shop.

I don't think it's a massive chore.

Like, it used to be a chore if you had to go and do it all.

I actually prefer going to the shop because you get inspo.

If you just go to the shop and all the food's in front of you

and, you know, it's easy to be inspired and...

Oh, you're looking at other people's trolleys.

Oh, yeah.

Do you like doing that?

I like doing that.

Yeah, nosy.

Yeah, I do sometimes.

Do you ever look down at someone and you go,

a few pot noodles in there?

Do you, though?

Like, you know, a few pot noodles in a pot like Glen's Rock.

Sure, someone's having a night's in.


Do you know what I mean?

I guess I've done it myself.

I've judged people for what's in there, Charlie.

Well, that's what I mean.

I've put a few pot noodles in mine and a couple of pizzas

and stuff like frozen.

And like you say, like four pack or something, you know?

I hope no one sees it.

A four pack?

Just a lot of a couple of avocados in there.

Yeah, yeah, like random, like cucumber and a broccoli or something.

I always think it's sad when you see people doing the shopping,

you can tell it's a meal for one.

Oh, yeah.

Breaks my heart, though.

Like, one spring onion.

You know, one pepper.

Yeah, but you know what?

It's like some people are happy on their own, aren't they?

I could do a year.

I could do a year.

You could do a year on your own, Pete.


There's no way.

She's going to another one.

This is an anon, so I imagine it'd be good.

They're usually good.

My boyfriend said, I love you two and me for the first time

the other day, but I didn't say it back.

Oh, no.

As I'm not sure I feel the same yet, it has caused a big argument

and him thinking I'm doubtful of the future relationship.

I'm very happy with him.

But at this moment in time, I'm not ready to say I love you to him.

Should I have lied to avoid the argument?


She was right, to be honest, even though that's hurt his feelings

and he's devastated and angry.

But she does like him a lot.

But I think she...

Tough on it.

Mm, it is.

The time has to be right.

Because you don't want to hurt the person you like.

You don't want to hurt people's feelings, do you?


It's hurt less now than it would favour down the line.

Yeah, the easier option would have been for her to say,

Yes, I do love you.

And then let down line break.

But then in like two weeks, she's going to be like,

I love you now.

I know, and he's going,

Fuck it, I'm two weeks there.


What have I done?

Yeah, I shouldn't have copped off with that bed.

I think she's right to do it, but he's always going to feel hurt

because if I said to you, I love you so much, and you went,

I'm not ready to say that yet.



I think I did say that the first time you said that to me.

I like you as well.

I like you so much.

I really like you.

Well, thank you.

I am very loveable.


What would you say, you know, if you didn't love me, right?

And I said, I think I'm falling deeply in love with you.

What would you say?

I'd be like, more for you.

It's like, who?

Generally, you know.

I'm like, I don't think I've thought this way about anyone ever in my life.

People have said that to me.

I love you.

People have said that to me.

Surely are.

That I don't feel that.

And I've just said, sorry.

Piss off.


No, I've just said, sorry.

Grow up.

Grow up.

Grow up.

Who said they love you then?

Loads of people.

Like, who?


Yeah, like.

I'm going to name them on the podcast.

Loads of people.

Long time ago, I hope.

It's regular occurrence.


Well, I'm sure it is.

Listen, you know.



People have said that to me, like in school and stuff.

Well, at the school gates.

On the playground and stuff.

Dropping the kids, dropping the kids off.

No, not when I'm dropping my own kids off.

I mean, when I was in school.


I hope you're not dropping the kids off and someone's just turned around and gone,

I love you.


I have said to someone before, I'm so sorry.

I just don't feel the same way.

I've said that so many times.

It's a crush on that, isn't it?

Really, if you've put your cards on the table and said that and got that reaction.

If you've ever been in love with someone and they're not.

But surely you know.

I think you've got to know.

If you say it in the first place, you've got to know that you're getting it back.

I think my kind of radar would be on there.

The way to avoid that is just wait until they say it to you.


But when you're a little, if you've never been in love with someone,

like so much, like your heart breaks.

Like, like Leonardo DiCaprio or something, or like Jason Orange.

I'll take that.

It's all coming out now.

What do you know what I mean?


Well, is that you so obviously, I know your fans are both of them, but did you,

did you, you, you love them to the point where you thought your heart would break?

Is that what you're saying to me?

I'm saying like this kid fans who like love like Harry Styles or something and they genuinely

believe that they're in love with the person.

I went to a school with a girl once who said she wouldn't go out with me because

she was saving herself for Johnny Depp when she was about 11.

Who was it?

I've never heard.

I'm flattered.

That's what I'm talking about.

Like that kind of love that you feel when you're young.

You feel like you're totally in love with someone.

Like, you know, I used to watch Take That and be like, I'm in love with Jason Orange and Howard

and watch Titanic and being love with Leonardo DiCaprio.

And you felt like you were in love and that you would end up marrying them.

That's absolutely mental.

I don't think it is.

It's, it's totally mental.

You know, you might see a girl or whatever.

You know, I'm not going to think, I don't love them and I don't.

I don't think I'm unique.

No, I think I think that is a, I think it's more of a girl thing.

I reckon, if I'm honest, I don't think, I don't think I would look at a girl and go,

I love them so much and I'm going to marry them.

Because you're so cool.

I just don't think I meant to do that.

I think that's more like girls go a bit,

a bit crazy with the old fan thing.

I think more often than not, maybe not, I don't know.

Maybe that's just me.

No, I, so going back to, to this girl, I think she's done the right thing.

I think those words are not to be messed around with.

You shouldn't fake love.


You don't fake love.


You're right, babe.

You don't, you can't, although it might have been easier for her to say, I love you.

She didn't, because she stood by principles there.

So I'm going to wait a minute.

I guess ultimately it's more hurtful if he found out that she didn't love her.

Also, when she, when she actually does say it, it's going to mean something to him.

It's going to be like, actually, she means that.

Well, it obviously means something to her.

It's, it's more about how you feel when you say those words.

You want to mean them and be in love.

You know, they're powerful.

Well, let's move on.

Hopefully she, hopefully gets a, I love you.


It's my anniversary next week and I've pulled out all the stops this year.

I was going to surprise with a Michelin star restaurant booked and a fancy hotel book for

the night, which is refundable.

And the spa day the next day, but the wife said to me the other day,

she just wants a relaxing night at home and a takeaway.

As a trick.

Do I cancel the plans I've made and listen to her?

Or do I go ahead and take her out?

So I would say a hundred percent you go and you take her out.

You make her do it because what she'll do is when you're at home with a takeaway,

watching aunt and dex Saturday night takeaway,

she's going to go, God, you never take me anywhere.

You never take me anywhere.

Michael McIntyre starts to say take away.

That's what you do that to me.

You go, I just don't fancy it, babe.

And then you're being fleece Jessica.

And we're just sitting there having a Chinese watching telly.

You don't take me anywhere.

It's a trick.

You actually don't.

And I don't want to bring it up.

No, I haven't.

I haven't been good.

Let's be honest though.

We have been on some great holidays and we've done some great things.

Yeah, but I want to be with our kids off and I'm going to give you it.

I'm going to give you me.

All of me.

All of me.

You stay tuned.

Best story up before I don't want all of you.

You don't want me.

All right.

Well, listen, you know, if this was the back to school episode,

there was a lot going on, I think, and we did cover school a bit.

And we love our children, but we also left them back in school.

I think, you know, hopefully send us in what, how you feel going back to school,

any dramas because, you know, we'd like to look through them.

Yeah, I think we should delve deeper into the back to school stuff

because we, we didn't really talk about anything going back to school really.

Well, no, we didn't.

We did talk about the seven hours of sewing on labels in the wrong place.

No, the labels have to be on the outside now.

Yeah, because so they can see them when they just pick the top up and it's there

instead of like rooting in for a label to see who's it is.

But mine, mine are on the inside and they're staying there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's no way I'm sorry, they're mine again.

You're like, Del, but we're only putting on these games.

Great to be back on the couch in our own home.

Good to be back.

Yeah, and the book's out soon.

It's available to pre-order now, I believe.

We're very proud of it and if you like the podcast.

You'll love the book.

You will love the book, yeah.

It's fun and I want you all to read Pete's, you've heard Pete's dedication that I wasn't in.

Read my dedication.

And we'll have a little vote, we'll have a little dedication off and see you did a better job.

Shove your beaver emojis up your arse.

Quite literally, literally.

I'll have a go.

I'll try any ones.

Pete's like, where's the jable emoji?

But listen, again, I'm going to set it again.

It's good to be back, join us next week.

Hey, Prime members.

You can listen to this show, Add Free, on Amazon Music.

Download the Amazon Music app today.

Machine-generated transcript that may contain inaccuracies.

With term time back upon us, Abbey and Peter sit down to reflect on their summer holidays and their mixed emotions now that the little ones have gone back to school. 

The gang have some tips on how to get back into the swing of things if you have fallen out of routine and some other pearls of wisdom on how to make the most of your time away from the kids. 

In a change of tone for the weekly whine club we hear some uplifting stories of how your other halves have gone the extra mile this week to put a smile on your face so it is less of a weekly whine and more of weekly shine! 

However, it is business as usual for the Agony Abs and we find out what to do when someone prematurely drops the L bomb and how to get you partner back when they criticise your weekly shopping skills. 

All this, and much more, only on The Therapy Crouch! 

To contact us: 





For more from Peter 

Hosted on Acast. See for more information.