Lex Fridman Podcast: #382 – Bert Kreischer: Comedy, Drinking, Rogan, Segura, Churchill & Kim Jong Un

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And now, dear friends, here's Bert Kreischer.

I read somewhere that you like Ernest Hemingway.

Love him.

There's a quote, there's nothing to writing.

All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.

Do you agree with that?

I agree, I agree.

Well, I agree with that with journaling.

So I can't write, I can't write stand up like I can't write a bit.

But if I journal, I'll find something that I go just right.

Kind of writing where you're the pens moving faster than your brain.

And they're kind of like doing it together.

The thing I liked about Ernest Hemingway, this is so stupid.

I'm a little dyslexic.

So I'm not a good reader.

And so he wrote very simply.

And it wasn't until after I read a bunch of Ernest Hemingway, I was working parts

of Noble and this person said, don't you love his titles?

And I was like, yeah, Sun Also Rises.

And they're like, yeah, but the Sun Also Rises.

And I was like, yeah, Sun Also Rises.

And they're like, no, no, the Sun Also Rises.

And I went, oh, oh, yeah, that is fucking badass.

Yeah.

And then I'm like always late to the party with anything.

And then that night we were all doing coke.

And it was like five in the morning and we ended up on the roof of my apartment

in Greenwich Village.

And it's like I'm a sunset guy, I grew up in Florida.

But Sun Rises in New York are electric blue, like electric blue.

And I was like, the Sun Also Rises.

Yeah, he was so good with just a handful of words.

The simplicity, the choice of words.

Like basically his process is carving down.

Right drunk, edit sober.

Right drunk, edit sober.

Yeah, but he was good at like a small amount of words to get a point across.

I'm the exact fucking opposite.

Well, he's also said the first draft of anything's always shit.

Is that is that true for you?

I think so.

It's the best one I have.

It goes downhill from there.

So for you, editing is destroying the original.

The first time I tell the first time I tell it, it's perfect.

It's perfect.

It just it works.

And then I go great and then I take it and I try to fix it and make it better and

jazzier. I just joke and razzle dazzle about my daughter's and I drive and pass

a deaf child's line and I just told it on stage.

It just happened and Louie was in the audience.

He was I love that joke.

I said, really?

He was, yeah, and I just told it and I went done.

Louie C.K. says he likes a joke.

It's fucking it's in the special.

And I tried to fucking razzle dazzle that joke into like a 15 minute bit.

It got to the point where it was so it was so bad

that I told him I did a podcast with him.

I said, what did you like about that joke?

Because I can't get it to work anymore.

Because it was just simple.

It was simple that your daughter didn't know how they'd figure out where deaf kids

lived and what that's it.

He's like, yeah, it's like nothing about gun control.

He was like, huh?

I was like, oh, fuck, man, I really fucked that joke up.

And then I had to go back to the beginning of it.

But that first time that's when that's when the joke comes out purest for me.

And then it's always chasing back to get that get that first telling.

Some jokes are different.

Like the machine obviously was a much longer story and like and like escape room

for this one, the longer stories take a little work, but the simple ones

like like the deaf child and pajamas and those first times are perfect.

What do you think is is that about the machine story that works?

That was so captivating for people.

I think it's a I think I don't know.

I really wish I don't know.

I think it's a good story.

I think it's a good story.

I think everyone has something similar that happened in their life where they

had a crazy night and that no one believed and they told their friends

and their friend or they experienced that with a friend like that.

And and and I think I think that's got to be it.

I really don't know.

I think there's a part of I think there's a part of the like our community

of of comedy fans that were that early Desquad that was fun to watch.

Someone take something from the podcast and turn it into a bit on stage.

Yeah, I think there was a lot of that.

But I think people identify with a wild, crazy night that got out of control

that they've probably had to I think I don't fucking know.

You think Putin knows who you are because of that story?

I hope so.

I fucking hope so.

I hope so.

But there's a part of me that that you got to understand is like I'm not.

I say stuff like that.

I'm sure there's someone hears that and they go, who is this fucking narcissist?

You're like, no, that's not it.

I'm just telling the truth.

Like, I understand what I'm supposed to say.

Well, you know, I don't know.

You know, I don't know.

That's hard to say, but I don't fucking give a shit about that guy.

I'm not that guy.

I'm telling you everything that comes out of my mouth.

The second it comes out, I'm going to be 100% honest.

I don't know any other way to live.

I kind of hope so.

That would be fucking cool.

And I look, I know he's a bad I guess he's a bad dude.

I don't follow politics done, but it'd be cool if like one day someone's like

he's he's on his computer and so I'm going to go straight and he's like,

yeah, he's like,

and he's like, and he shows it to him and and then he's like,

fucking this guy, huh?

It's not out of the realm of possibility that Putin has watched it.

I mean, this podcast, this has kind of made me realize how like small the world is.

I've gotten to meet some incredibly like interesting people like that.

I mean, that's the thing where I go.

Like it's gotten really crazy.

The Internet's really insane and Netflix is really insane and the reach of like people that like this is really simple.

But like, I'm a big fan of the show Drink Champs.

I didn't think in a million years, Nori would ever know who I was.

And then he offered me to come do his podcast.

And then when I got there, he told me he was a fan of mine and I went like,

I remember moving to New York, listening to you and Capone like I'm sitting there going, wow.

Like and then and the phone calls I've gotten since the movie came out and since

Razzle Dazzle came out have been really insane when you realize as much as I know about people.

And I like there's people I'm fans of that don't know who I am that like that are like,

they're like some pitcher in fucking Florida that I follow the kids.

I like I just fun to watch and pitch.

There was a softball player in Tempe that she's do catching drills and I was really into softball with my daughter.

And we watch her catching girls.

There's a girl deglazer who me and my daughters will watch her dance videos and then I hit her up.

She's like, you know who I am.

And you're like, oh, yeah, that's the way the world works.

What world leader would you drink with?

If you could see much in Putin.

So Putin doesn't drink much.

Zelensky drinks more, but also not much.

Of course he also would have been a good one.

He would have been a fucking good one.

I mean, like I go Hitler was a pussy.

Like he drank wine with it with a cut with a spoonful of sugar in it.

You don't drink.

What's Churchill?

That's my home.

And that's my guy.

Yeah.

You know that's my guy, right?

No, I don't know.

That's your guy.

So he he did champagne.

You don't have to tell me a thing about Winston Churchill.

He I found out about his daily routine.

Yeah.

So his daily routine was a big breakfast, cigar, coffee, eggs over eggs, sunny side up, toast, bacon, sausage, tomato,

beans, fruit, orange juice, soft scotch, cigar in bed.

And he'd sit there for three hours and he'd hold morning breakfast.

And that's what they'd come in and he'd run through his day.

And then he'd get in the bathtub for fucking an hour and drink champagne.

And then he'd go to lunch and have some goose or whatever the fuck they ate back then with more champagne.

And then and then I mean, and then he'd take a nap.

And like, I love that.

So every year on hit the day of his death thing is January 24th.

I celebrate Winston Churchill's life by living the way he did.

And so I have breakfast in bed with a soft scotch and I just party all fucking day.

That would be the guy to drink with.

That would be the guy if you could pick anyone to drink with.

He drank every day throughout the day.

He lived like 94.

And was one of the most heroic figures in human history.

Never, never surrender.

I mean, what a fucking badass thing.

You know, he taught, he taught the Queen.

The Queen was like, like a, like a window-licking idiot, right?

Like she was, she had a third grade education.

So like her dad dies and she's like 10 or 12 or whatever.

The first thing they do is they pull her out of school.

They're like, you've done learning.

You're just going to be the Queen.

You're going to know this is what you need to learn.

Don't make, let people make eye contact with you.

Put your hand out like this.

Don't let people touch you.

So she like, she had like a really, I saw the, by the way, I didn't do this research.

I just watched the crown.

Okay.

And Winston Churchill kind of taught her about world politics and was like,

they like coming and she'd be like, Winston, what did we do in Africa?

And he's like, this is going to be a tough one.

And so, yeah.

So, but Winston Churchill is the badass.

But if I had a drink with someone living, like drink, there's like,

there's a two obvious one.

Like obviously it's fucking Kim Jong-un, right?

You kind of want to-

He drinks.

No, he does.

You think my IVs are good in the morning?

You know, Kim Jong-un's IVs are next.

You're like, I feel up.

And he's like, it's in front of me.

He would be a badass to drink with.

I think he drinks hard liquor.

I think Scotch, Johnny Walker blue.

That's what I've heard.

I don't know where you heard this, but I like this.

Okay.

So I say things like that, but then I'm sure I, I, I, I don't know if you ever party

with someone who just parties a little different than you.

And then you notice like, like sometimes celebrity, like athletes.

And then like you're at a strip club and then they, they, they talk weird to a woman.

You're like, Oh, that's not me.

I'm so sorry.

So that'd be the thing.

The atrocities would be hard to get past with them.

Not just the atrocity, but the way of being.

I agree with you.

I actually don't like drinking with rich and powerful people often.

There's something weird about them.

Yeah.

Not, not all of them.

And I don't like, I don't like a drinking meeting.

Like when someone goes-

What's, what's your competing?

Like when people go like, hey, uh, I'm taking a drink.

I'm taking you out tonight.

We're drinking.

Yeah.

And then I go, oh, that's not the way I like to do it.

It gives me anxiety.

Like, um, our lives are very different.

You and I?

Yeah.

Were you going to fraternity?

No.

We could start there yet.

No, I was not.

Okay.

And the differences continue from there.

I'm sure.

So when you get your pledge of pen, they take you out and their whole thing is you're going

to, we're getting you fucked up.

Yeah.

That energy is not my energy.

I don't like that.

Like it's, I just go, why don't we just get drunk and feel really good about ourselves?

Like, I never like took mushrooms to see Jesus.

I just wanted to enjoy a renex on a windshield.

Like, so like that, that for me, uh, is like one of my things.

So if, if Kim Jong-un flew me to North Korea to drink with him, I'd be like, I'd have to

start really getting blackout drunk on the plane to enjoy drinking with him that day.

What's your favorite, like different occasions.

What's your favorite drink?

What's your favorite way of drinking?

It's, it's, I've got as varies.

So what are the different contexts here?

It's like one on one.

One on one.

Like you sit down with, I don't know, Rogan invites you like it's a Godfather to sit down

and finally have a talk about something.

It's going to be whiskey.

It's going to be like a nice whiskey.

Neat.

No.

I like it on the rocks.

I like lots of rocks.

It won't be something expensive because Rogan is not, he's not a fancy boy.

You know, like he's a real regular, he's a really regular dude.

He's gotten less regular the more millions of dollars he has.

I think there's parts of him where you're like, like, where you're like, oh wow, we can do

this.

Yeah.

Um, but he's a great, he'd be like Jack on the rocks or like probably Buffalo Tracer,

one of the, maybe a little whiskey he's buying Rogan be whiskey rocks.

And then like, that's a good, I haven't hung out with Joe by ourselves.

I take that back.

I was with him the other night, but like, it would be cool.

My times with Joe's are always on podcasts.

Yeah.

And his, I missed the times where it was, where you just have you and him at the store

late night.

Yeah.

I'm okay with podcasts.

Okay.

I used to think this is like a performative or something like this, but it's not really.

No.

It's just a chance to really sit down.

I enjoy it because of the people I could never sit down with.

Ah.

Like David Cross.

I wouldn't never sit down with David Cross because we don't run in the same circles and

but it's nice.

He has something to promote and then he comes to my house and then we can sit down for

an hour and talk.

And then I, and then we're Kevin Smith, like people I would never really hang out with.

Tom, um, I enjoy being alone with Tom more off.

Mike.

Yeah.

We have a lot of history.

There's a lot of things, secrets we know about each other and there's a lot of secrets

going on in our, each other's lives that I would never share on podcasts that I, that

I can talk to him about.

And I really appreciate his, and I know this isn't on brand of us beating each other up,

but like I really appreciate his insight as a, as a dad and as a dude and as a son, but,

but he makes me giggle harder than anyone.

So doing a podcast is fun.

So there's something on a podcast that's performative for you with him and then there's

a part.

With me and him, cause we're trying to make each other laugh, but I'll tell you, if we're

going back to drinks, I'll tell you like a great, a great afternoon drink is a compari

spritz.

It's my, one of my favorite drinks in the world.

I don't even know what that is.

Oh.

Compari is an interesting alcohol because I think it's a bitter, uh, or it's a liqueur

and it's got a weird, rooty, earthy taste.

It's red.

So it looks like Kool-Aid.

That's why I got into it.

I thought compari on ice would be oh, so nice as an old commercial, but man, it's fucking

like sucking the green giants dick.

It is earthy.

What's earthy?

It's like, it's, it tastes like roots.

Oh nice.

It's not, it's not, it's, oh, there's a bitterness and like a, it's just not great.

And then someone introduced me to a Negroni, which is compari and gin and a little soda

water.

And then compari spritz.

Compari spritz is compari, prosecco and soda water and like a wine glass and it is so enjoyable.

It's got so many different profiles to it where you get the bitterness, but the sweetness

of the prosecco and then it flattens it out with the soda water and it looks like Kool-Aid.

So I love it.

That's one of my favorite drinks.

To share in what context?

Oh, you're in Italy and you've been walking around Venice and everyone went their own

ways and the whole family comes back together and you meet at a statue and your wife's sweating

and she's uncomfortable and your daughters are 16 and 18 and they're like, what are we

going to do?

What are we doing with the rest of the day?

And you go, hey guys, it's Europe.

Does anyone want to compari spritz?

And everyone goes, I don't know what that is and you go, for compari spritz.

It's minor in alcohol, so it's not going to light them up, but it gives them a little

bit of a buzz where they're like, dad, these are nice.

Ireland didn't drink hers, so I drank hers.

Georgia had hers, Leanne had hers and we ordered another round.

I ordered and they're fucking refreshing and the buzz is perfect.

It's not too much because it's just a little bit of champagne and some compari.

If the buzz is perfect and then a couple of them and then they kind of disappear and then

you just walk around again.

That's a great fucking drink.

You have a drink alone?

So there's two kinds of alone.

One is alone, like at a bar.

There's other people, but they're strangers, right?

They're kind of like out there.

Okay, I've done that.

Keep going.

Keep going.

Don't walk me through all the alone.

And then I'll tell you the rest.

There's all kinds of...

There's a loan on a train, we're transporting someone with a plane and then there's just

the loan in an empty home.

Or a hotel room.

Hotel.

And it's Sunday night.

Sunday night.

And you're packing your bag and you got a flight at 6 a.m.

But road house is on and you're like, shit.

So you get out of the front desk and go, is the bar still open?

And they go, yeah, can I order some to take to my room?

Sure.

How about six Heineken's?

Six Heineken's.

Yeah, my wife wanted one too.

She's not up there.

You murdered her.

And you just say to yourself, I'm just getting six so that if I have four, I just know I

have two extra ones.

And then you go through six and you're like, oh man, I'm not done yet.

Dude, I've drank in every alone scenario you can possibly think of.

I've drank alone in a helicopter with a dude who didn't know I was drinking.

He was like, can I drink in here?

And he's like, absolutely not.

And then I poured it in a flask and opened it and drank it and he's like, dude, we're

in a fucking helicopter.

You don't think I smell that?

The best alone drinking you can ever do, in my opinion, now we're getting to the weeds

on it, is alone behind someone's back.

What do you mean?

Like when they don't know you're drinking, but you're drinking.

Like Christmas shopping and your wife says, all right, let's all split up and you go cool.

And it's like, it's like 11 o'clock on a Sunday and they just opened that bar by the elevator

in the Beverly Center and you just sneak over and you go, hey man, can I get a double

jack on the rocks, box for rods?

And they're like, sure.

And you just have it and you just go, let's just, and then you're off.

And then you're like, yeah.

And then you just little sneak one, sneak it, sneak it.

And then you're buzzed and nobody knows.

And then your wife's like, wait, have you been drinking?

They're like, yeah, I'm drinking by myself in a fucking mall on Christmas.

How sad do you think I am?

And then you go, yeah, I am.

What about mood?

Do you ever drink in a dark place?

So I broke, I had a chick break up or a chick cheat on me.

And I was, when I came back from Russia and she's someone of my best friend and I didn't

know how to deal with the emotions I had.

And my buddy, my Cosmone said, I can tell you this, if you drink, they go away.

And I went, okay.

And that was the first and kind of last time I ever did that because I did it, I've done

it, I've done it a couple of times, but I try to avoid, I try to avoid if there's emotion

going to alcohol.

Like meaning I'd not want it's anxiety, but like depression.

I kind of sit in the depression because or anxiety, I lean towards alcohol, like anxiety,

like about flying or, or, or just like getting worked up on over something.

But with depression, I try to avoid alcohol and just sit in it because I, because I've

gone there before.

But anxiety is a, I land, I land all the time.

But depression, heartbreak, all that, you just sit in the feeling.

Yeah.

Heartbreak is a weird one for me.

So like the last time I got my heartbroken at Leanne dumped me, we were dating for like

four months and she broke up with me.

And my instinct was to have a drink.

My friends went to this, this Middle Eastern restaurant and I told them what was going

on.

My buddy, of course, like, let's get a cocktail.

And I was like, I don't want one.

I got to figure this out because I want this chick.

And if I start drinking, I'll be like, ah, fuck it.

So I got to figure it out.

Like I wonder, I'm going to find out my dad dies one day or my mom, but my dad will be

the rough one.

We'll be equally as rough.

My dad and I were really close.

And I wonder if I've thought about this a lot.

If I'll have a drink dealing with that, like I think about that a lot.

I keep saying everything I get with my dad is extra.

My dad, my dad had a 100% blockage in his widowmaker twice and both times they saved

his life and he got a stint, I think 12 or 13 years ago.

And then he just got a stint this last year.

But so everything I get to do, I feel like it's extra.

And so, you know, he was just at the premiere of my movie and he got to see that and he

had a very emotional response.

And I got, I got that from him.

And I was like, that's a little ice on the cake.

I did, you know, the arena in Tampa was the first time he ever saw me do stand up.

That was like a little extra.

So all these things I'm getting with them are all extra.

So I have a, you know, at least 74.

So yeah, that'll be a tough one.

Well, at the premiere, he was, what, proud?

Yeah.

He came out, he was sobbing, crying and he goes, I've underestimated you your whole

life.

And I was like, what?

And he was like, and he just, and he was shaking and he goes, I just underestimated you.

I didn't know, I didn't know you, I didn't know you were this, I didn't know whatever.

It was really hard to understand him to be honest with you.

I don't know totally what he said.

He might have just not liked the movie.

I think you were hearing what you wanted to hear.

What did you learn about life from your father?

It's not going to make sense.

I want to feel like sometimes I'm like a professional fucking wrestler because all I care about

is you come and see me do stand up.

So I, whatever I got to do to get you there, but the number one thing, my one takeaway

from that man's humility, and I applied, I've applied it in different ways throughout

my career.

On my 26th birthday, he gave me a really aggressive speech.

He, I was hungover and I just thought he was going to say, happy birthday.

So I picked up the phone and I was like, Hey, and he was like, you are a tremendous piece

of shit.

And then he broke me off.

You have no humility.

You have no this.

You have no, never succeeded anything.

You're, you're lying to yourself.

You're lying to everyone around you.

You're not doing what you're going after your dream.

I broke you.

I failed you as a father.

This and that.

I was like, I thought you're going to wish me happy birthday.

And so in that speech, he told me if I wanted something, I had to go at it and I had to go

after it as, as hard as I could.

And I had to do whatever it could, I could do to achieve that.

In this case, it was working, offering to do anything at the comedy club to get on stage.

He told me, I told him, that's not how it works.

And he said, no, that's, that's how it works for some poor kid from Harlem because that

kid needs it.

He goes, you've grown up with privilege or life.

You don't need it.

You think you're going to be fine.

And so I went and I ended up getting a job at the door, but I, it was, it was, it was

humbling.

It's, it's really like, it's, it's makes me feel, it made me feel uncomfortable.

And so that humility is, it's the first time I really understood humility and I've applied

that in many respects in like, in like getting to be a paid regular at the comedy store that

happened late in life for me, which I think most people would give up and be like, oh,

fuck that.

I'm already a touring comic.

I'm on TV.

I don't need that.

But it's something I wanted.

And I knew I wanted.

So I just humbly went after it.

And then I think I still apply it when it, when it comes to selling tickets or selling

a project to the fans or even to doing podcasts, I try to be as honest as I can about whatever

I'm going through or whatever I'm dealing with.

But when it comes to like selling things, I don't have, I don't have a problem trying

to make fun of myself or, or get in front of people so that they know that, that I have

a show.

Cause the thing I'm good at, the, the one thing I know I'm good at stand up.

And I say that humbly, but like, I want them to come there.

Like, I've heard people make fun of me like before.

They're like, yeah, I'm not some, I'm not some clown in a speedo who's want, is going

to, I'm a real comic.

And I go, okay, but I want it, I want them to have my shows and you can be that guy and

I'll be this guy.

Yeah.

The clown in the speedo.

Yeah.

It's like, what are you going to do?

Funny people make fun of me for taking my shirt off.

Like I guess behind my back, no one ever does it to me.

Like no one would ever, comics aren't, comics aren't, comics aren't that manly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I always go like, I always go like, what do you care?

What am I?

What do you care?

And you love taking a shirt off?

More than anything.

You know, when something becomes meme and becomes super popular, it, it becomes easy to not

love the thing anymore, to get tired of it.

You still love it?

Well, more than anything.

I like being shirtless more than having a shirt.

I'm very uncomfortable in a shirt.

Yeah.

Like right now, and I've tactile issues, like I have legit tactile issues.

I'm most comfortable in stretchy jeans with a loose fitting belt and then these shirts

exactly, but I don't, I like more like a V neck.

I feel, I can feel this on my neck right now and I can feel it on my arms.

And so I'm, I'll sit a certain way cause it, it just rubs me wrong.

But you have more comfortable shirtless.

I can never wear what you're wearing.

Uh, yeah.

Well, this is my shirtless.

We, each of us have to find our place in this world in terms of fashion.

I would love to be able to wear what you wear.

Yeah.

Cause it looks good.

It feels like an escape from convention.

But you or me?

Both of us.

Yeah.

Cause this, nobody wears this unless you work security for somebody.

Yeah, but it looks good on you.

Does it?

I don't know.

People think, I don't like, they would say like, what, what if you lose weight?

You can't take your shirt off anymore?

I go, no, if I can take my shirt off, if I can out of your mind, I'm gonna take my

shirt off all the time.

You mentioned, uh, early on heartbreak after the Russia trip with a girl who slept with

your friend.

Uh, let's go back to Hemingway quotes.

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.

So to go all in with the trust, I love Hemingway so much.

Um, have you been betrayed in your life?

Yeah.

What do you think about trust?

It's an interesting question.

Um, I've been betrayed in my professional life a couple of times by really close friends.

And, uh, I'm not someone who can like, I have a mantra that I mean, I'm, I don't know if

people have heard it or not.

And I hate, I hate sharing it, but it's, but it's true.

The mantra is, so you think I'm weak, like, do you think it's like, that's my thing.

Cause I feel like people take advantage of me and I go, so you think I'm weak and forget

everyone that like, and I'm named the, the people that have betrayed me, I'm a larger

man than all of them and, and, but I, and so that's what really fucks with me is I go,

so you think I'm weak.

Like where I grew up when you do stuff, there was physical consequences.

I grew up in Florida.

Like I've been beaten up a bunch.

I'm not saying I can fight, but like I'm not scared of getting beaten up and the, the

times that I've been betrayed.

I, and, and even, I know, even like by Ari, whichever, let people see that drugging as

a betrayal.

And I did for a period, but it was, it was only because it was Ari and he was my, one

of my best friends and me and him had to work through that because I, I, I couldn't not

love him.

Like I couldn't not have him in my life.

He met, he means a lot to me.

He really does.

He's a great friend to have, but he's also, I don't know what was going on with him at

that time, but he made a bad decision and I had to forgive him for that because I knew

he, he knew my mantra.

I think I'm harder to trust people now.

I'm, I'm not as apt to trust people at all, but there was a moment, I don't know if I've

ever shared this and I don't know how this will sound, but there was a moment that information

got leaked about a thing and all my managers and agents, both, both Tom and my, Tom and

our managers and agents would like to separate, either separate us or one of us, one of them

get both of us.

It's just more lucrative for them.

So they have always kind of pitted us against each other a little bit and they do it subtly.

They'll do it to me and my team and then his team will do it to me and then my team will

do it to him and his team will do it to him.

And there was a moment where information got leaked about this thing I was doing and my

team was like, just so you know, your, your boy Tommy is, is the rat.

And I had to, it was the one time when Leanne said, do you think Tom would do that?

I said, I don't know how faith works.

Like I'm not a super religious person, but I will tell you that I believe in Tom and

I don't think he did it.

And I will stand by that ignorantly and, and I will, and I will ride or die with him because

I cannot live in a world where I don't trust him.

If I don't trust him, then I am so fucked and, and it wasn't him.

It wasn't him.

And it was such a cool feeling to know that you could like, that you could blindly trust

someone, blindly have faith in someone, know that they're, they have your best interest

at heart.

But yeah, it took me a while to get there.

Rogan helped me get there because I wasn't trusting him or Joey or Tommy or anyone.

I wasn't trusting anyone.

I'd gotten in a bad thing and I just wasn't trusting anybody.

And Rogan was like, yeah, man, we're trying to be your fucking friend.

And I was like, yeah, I don't, I don't need friends.

I couldn't understand what, why Rogan was interested in me.

And I said to like someone, I was like, is he gay?

Like what the fuck?

And then he was just a nice guy.

He was just a nice guy.

That'd be hilarious if Joe was sexually attracted to you this whole time, this whole time is

the reason he keeps inviting you back.

I would be more excited.

I would be more excited if just, if he tried to kiss me on the lips once, just, and just

and then like in a Scotty, Scotty J way from boogie nights where he's like, well, do you

like my car?

Yeah.

You know, nobody would believe that story.

No one.

Yeah.

If I was Joe, I would kiss dudes all the time and then be like, and then when they didn't

kiss back, go, you know, no one will ever, no one will ever believe you.

Yeah.

Well, when you trust people like that and they fuck you over, that can really, really, really

hurt.

You end up on a treadmill in a hotel room fighting with them.

You fight with them all the time.

You fight with them all the time.

You fight with them constantly.

And it's, and I, and I have this thing like, where I can ruminate on an idea and I can't

get it out of my head and I hear the words they say and I, and I, and so all in your

head on a treadmill in your head, just fighting, just fucking fighting.

And then, yeah.

And then one day you get past it, like one day you just go, eh, fuck them.

I'm not going to leave them real estate.

And then you just forget about them.

And then they reach out and they'll try to be a dick or a bully because they're bullies.

They're bullies is what they are.

Don't ever forget it.

They're fucking bullies.

And they got bullied.

It's not their fault.

They got bullied.

And then they try to bully you and you're, and you don't have any connection anymore.

And you're like, Oh, you can go fuck yourself.

You can actually go fuck yourself.

You're not my boss.

You're not my wife.

You don't fuck me.

Don't pay me.

Get the fuck out of my life.

But this kind of mantra of that you're not weak, you still want to be able to be fragile

to the world and appear weak almost.

I am.

I am.

I mean, that's the problem is I think I am pretty fucking weak.

Like I'm not the strongest dude out there.

I have really thin skin.

I get my feelings hurt all the time.

And so, but like, but it sucks when you watch like your friend see something in you that

you go, okay, go fuck him.

He's not paying attention.

Fuck him.

Let's just fuck him.

Let's take his money.

You know what?

Fuck him.

He doesn't know what the fuck he's doing.

Look at me.

He's a drunk alcoholic.

And you go, Oh no, bitch.

I pay attention.

Like I'm wide awake.

I'm here.

I'm working my ass off.

You're not going to fucking.

Well, that's the tough thing about like you and Tom Segura.

You're at the top of your game on top of the world.

Some of the most famous comics in the world and you could see money start to creep in

like a business decisions.

Yeah.

I don't know.

It's a tough, it's a tough place.

It's really tough.

It's really tough.

You know, especially as we're growing and, and I'll tell you what it, I don't know how

much I'm allowed to say, but I can tell you this.

We did a business deal where feelings were getting involved and money was involved in

that.

And the money was causing the feelings.

And one of us said to the other person, our feelings are more important than the money.

So let's just split the money.

And it was, and it was, and it was, and it was, it was really like a solid moment where

I, where both of us were like, that is how we should run this.

Yeah.

That's the interesting things with like, with bands, you'll have like popular bands that

split even.

Yeah.

Even though it's clear that the contribution is not even.

It's like, there's a front man and all that kind of stuff, but it's ultimately the right

thing to do to say, fuck you to the money for the most part and prioritize the feelings.

Yeah.

Especially because like, I couldn't do it without him.

He couldn't do it without me.

We do it separately.

We'll have guest bears on.

Some will blow up.

Some won't.

You can never figure it out, but when we're together, it does well.

And so we need each other for it to work.

And we've, you know, like I said, we're on a handshake deal with two bears and no one

likes that.

But we're like, Hey, I mean, we, I don't like, I, to the point where I like, he'll call

me and go, yo, we have a deal to do this for X amount.

Are you in?

And I go, yeah, I'll go check the books.

I don't need to.

I don't, I don't, I know him.

I just know him.

Yeah.

What do you love most about Tom Segura?

We saw a gay couple one time.

This is a good start.

And there was one guy was in khakis and one guy was in jean shorts with a python around

his neck.

Yeah.

And Tom goes, if we were gay, which one would you be?

I said, I'm fucking python.

Yeah.

And he was like, yeah, I'm khaki.

And I go, really?

And he goes, yeah, that's why we work.

And he goes, all relations are for pythons and khakis.

And I went, really?

And he goes, look at you and Leanne.

Who do you think you are?

I go, I'm python.

And he goes, she's khaki.

And he goes, me and push.

I go, oh, she's python.

He goes, and I'm khaki.

He goes, I'll always be khaki.

And sometimes I'll have a relationship around the python, but it's, I'm usually a khaki.

Yeah.

And I was like, yeah, I am a little bit of a lunatic.

I'll tell you the one moment that explains me and him that the world will never see.

It was just a great moment.

We got stem cells with Rogan one weekend and one day.

And I'd had surgery in my arm and I didn't want to do it.

I was terrified.

And Tom just said, just come out and meet up with us.

Tom knew he was going to make me get them.

And so I got them and he, you know, Joe's there.

And so we're just all talking.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And Tom can see that I'm spinning out a little bit.

And I get in the car and Tom's got a Porsche or like right next to each other.

And I just want to feel if it's swollen.

And it is a little swollen because I just got an injection.

And then in Tom's driving and he's got his hand on the thing.

He just puts his hand on my arm and he goes, you're okay.

He's just, he's watching.

He knows me so well that he knows that I'm spinning out of control.

And he's like, you're okay.

And then I was like, and I felt okay.

I was like, you're right.

I'm okay.

What the fuck am I doing?

My brain's that brain.

Man, that guy got so much love in him.

Dude, he does.

He has, uh, you know, he had a fantastic relationship with his dad.

And, and, and I think whatever that did, that dude did to create that dude.

He hit it out of the fucking park because he has so much.

Uh, love that he doesn't need reciprocated like at all.

Like he can just love.

And then he feels good for him to give and to like take care of someone.

And like, you know, he started the whole birthday gift thing because and he didn't

need to, he just was like, Hey, man, I had this bike.

I thought you'd like it.

And then of course I've turned it into a fucking bit and now we're upside down.

I'm 120 upside down on a fucking race car that we can't make our money back on.

Uh, I love it.

Uh, what do you love most about Joe Rogan?

Oh, that dude, I could go on and on about Joe Rogan.

Joe Rogan is the most selfless individual I've ever met.

He doesn't care if he has you on the podcast.

He wants you to be the funniest person in the room.

He wants you to be the smartest person in the room.

Let me tell you something.

Joe Rogan is 10 times smarter and funnier than me.

He wants you to shine.

He wants you, he wants to put you over to his fans.

He, that shit did not exist before he started doing his podcast.

People didn't share you with their fans.

No one was like, Hey man, come on on the road with me.

They brought you on the road because they wanted you to suck.

And they put you in bad scenarios.

Joe Rogan wanted you to shine.

He gave, he gave so many people.

Beautiful career, gave them careers, gave them.

Joe could have looked at his podcast as his thing.

This is my thing.

I bring on these guys.

I'm going to be the funniest kind of fucking room.

I know some guys that have done that might be me.

Might be talking about people and not listening really well.

Joe did the opposite.

Now, look, I've tried to learn from Joe on my podcast and do the same.

That guy, when you think about it, you name ten of his friends.

I bet eight of them are doing arenas right now.

They're all doing theaters.

All his friends do theaters.

All his friends do theaters.

He is, he is just, you know, I, he, and he won't accept this compliment.

I tried paying it to him, uh, in, in Austin when I was in Austin last night.

Well, he's not going to accept any compliments.

I gave him a gift too.

And I said, Hey, I need, I need to show you.

I can't just tell you this because it's going to fall in deaf ears.

I need to give you a minute so you have something so you know that I think about

you and I'm grateful for having you in my life a lot for many reasons.

I have more friends in my life because of you.

He taught me how to trust people again.

I have a career because of you.

I have a major motion picture because of you.

I do arenas because of you.

Without you in my life, a lot of these things maybe never would have happened.

I never would have told the machine on stage.

I wouldn't have gotten, I wouldn't have never started a podcast.

I wouldn't have three podcasts.

Like, I mean, all these things are, are things he not just, he didn't just take

me to the water one time and give me a drink.

He, he gave me a machete and he said, this is how I get to the water.

You got to put your own path, but just give me your heads up.

You can also use my path whenever you want.

I mean, he, he is the most selfless individual.

He will go down in history as one of the 10 most important people in

stand-up comedy without a doubt.

He changed the game.

It didn't exist like this before him.

And, uh, and he won't accept that compliment.

What was the gift you gave him?

I can't tell you.

Is it a dildo?

There was a dildo, double-sided dildo.

I go, Hey, when you get free time, can we scissor fuck each other?

You're happily married for 19 years.

So I think you're a good man to ask, how do you find love?

How do you find, how do you date in order to find a love of your life, of a lifetime?

This is going to sound off, but don't, don't tie yourself down.

Meaning like, don't spend time fucking with those little mini shrimp and

peeling them every night when you know you're looking for a lobster.

Yeah.

Like, and so I think what happens, a lot of guys, they just, they're so busy and

like just getting pussy and going from here to here to here.

I was never that guy.

I always wanted, I always wanted to find someone who understood me.

I always wanted that.

And so, you know, granted, I haven't had sex with a lot of chicks, but that's, and

it's, and it's not by choice.

I'm saying like, maybe there was times I would have done it, but I, but I know that

I was always looking for someone to figure out, to get me.

And then, and then I will say this, when you know, you know, when you know, you know,

when you think there's, I can't imagine a life without this person.

That, that, that happened to me.

And I can only say my experiences.

I had Leanne, I loved her and I, and I didn't even realize it.

And the second she dumped me, I went, Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, I, I don't get to live a great life without her.

She's the thing that's going to give me a great life.

I knew it undisputed.

I went for a run and she dumped me.

I went to my shower.

I cried.

I went to Barnes and Noble.

I bought men from Venus, women from Mars.

I've watched Fight Club in my closet.

I didn't drink.

I drank a lot of Nyquil to sleep.

And then I went for a hike in, in Runyon Canyon.

I was running back down Outpost by Ben Affleck's house and, and the sun was

setting and I just said, God, if you're listening,

just give me this chick back.

I'll never fuck it up.

This is the one.

I won't fuck it up.

I won't cheat.

I'm not going to be a bad dude.

I want to have kids with her.

I'll be there.

I'll be a great fucking dude.

I'll take her out on dates.

Like, I'll love this chick.

And I got home and she was in my room in a sundress.

Yeah.

And I was like, Oh, fuck you.

I didn't know he was real.

Yeah.

I was like, shit, man, give me like one more night.

Let me get some strange tale real quick before I commit forever.

But I think when you know, you know, this is so silly, but I follow that in business.

Like when you know, you know, and like my assistants with us and someone goes,

how do you, how do you find a good assistant?

And I go, when you know, you know, like people will show you who they are.

I can tell you when I fell in love with my assistant, we were doing a TV show

and, and we worked past dinner and all the dinner places were closed.

And he just said, Hey, I got like four meals.

I didn't know which one you'd want.

So I got four different meals for you.

I ordered them.

They're up in your room and just let me know whichever you want.

I'll take care of the rest of them.

And I was like, Oh, that dude thinks about other people before himself.

He didn't even get himself dinner.

He just got me for dinners.

And I was like, fuck.

Yeah.

I did the same thing with my social media manager.

The way she was operating was I was like, I feel like she's thinking about me.

Yeah.

And we connected on so many levels and so many levels.

I could talk to her about things and ideas I had.

And then I was like, okay, I want her.

I want him.

I want, I think you, I think it's got to be that thing.

When you know, you know, and it can be so simple as like,

like a personal trainer or like a jiu-jitsu class or like just where you go.

Oh, I'm connecting right now.

But you have to allow yourself to notice that person.

You, I think you do.

I mean, I think you have to put yourself out there and you have to be

available for it.

You know, that's the hardest part is just being available for it.

Cause so many people, so many people just want to be busy just dating.

I just want to have someone in my life.

I don't want to be bored.

I don't want to, what if I die alone?

I don't want to, I like just be available for it.

What is it?

You said peeling the baby shrimp when you could be having a lobster.

Lobster is still a lot of work, I have to say.

Yeah, but yeah, but it's lobster.

This is a fucking baby shrimp.

Or like, you ever get, so you ever get the ones in Brazil

where you just go fucking, I'll eat the shell.

I don't care anymore.

When you're so fucking hungry, you just handful of lobster

like it's popcorn or baby shrimp like it's popcorn.

I've done that in Vietnam.

I've done that where I just go, it's too much work.

So when you're in it, what's the secret to a successful marriage?

What, what do women want?

Burkhrasher.

Oh, fuck.

That's, I'm the wrong guy to answer that.

I think.

How to make love to a woman by Burkhrasher.

How do you make love to a woman?

I'll tell you how I do it.

Yeah.

Uh, I go down on her first.

I make sure she has an orgasm and then I get my turn and that's over pretty quick.

It's like, it's like at your ears pierced.

It doesn't feel a little prick and it's over.

I, um, I don't know if I've done a great job keeping her happy.

I think I keep her interested.

Like, I think I, I, I, I keep her occupied.

Like I'm like a little bit of a rodeo clown.

Like I don't know.

I mean, like I know we're happy right now.

I know we're really happy, but I don't know if I ever did as good a job as she did.

Like she's always been like, she's always been a gangster, like done, did everything,

just does everything.

She does it all.

She does everything, like fucking everything and she loves it.

She just does it.

And then she shows love for you by taking care of you.

And so like, I have a lot of time just been this like, almost like step and repeat

husband where it's like, I come in to take a picture, like, Hey, Monday, Tuesday.

I'm all right.

I'm on the road Wednesday.

Take care, guys.

Or like travel channel.

I'd live for two weeks at a time.

I left for the movie for three months.

So like, I don't know that I've ever done a bang up job.

I buy it.

Like I go, I remember one time I was just like, I don't cheat on her.

I don't hit her.

I don't yell at her.

I'm a pretty good fighter.

I'm a really good fighter.

Like, like I'm good at like going like, Hey, we're on the same team.

Oh, you mean de-escalation.

I'm really good at like, I'm very self, I'm very accountable.

I'm very self correcting.

Like if, if we're in a fight and she points something out and I go, Oh, you're

right.

I go, fuck you're right about that.

You're right.

You're totally right.

Oh, in the moment.

In the moment, I'm really good at that.

And my wife's not, she's not a good apologizer.

Like she needs to sleep on an apology and then she can do it.

I can apologize in the moment.

If I realize I'm wrong and I'm really quick to find my fault.

Yeah.

I look for my fault because I go, tell me what I did.

Adversely, as a parent, I have pulled my daughters aside and been like, yo,

that wasn't you.

That was mom.

Yeah.

I'm giving you a heads up because I don't want, because I got, I got really

confused as a kid because my dad always made sure I knew I was wrong.

And sometimes I wasn't, and then as a kid, you're kind of fucked up.

And you're like, well, how do I know if I'm wrong?

And I think that raises, so I was really good with my girls going like, yo.

And then, and then parenting Georgia taught me a lot about self-correcting.

Self-correcting.

What's that?

My oldest and only, I parented like my dad parented, like just like, raise your

voice, get up to here.

That's it.

No, that doesn't fuck this.

How come the dogs don't have goddamn leashes on the collars on their necks?

And so with Georgia, I had to learn through therapy that if the, if the, if

the consequence is here and it, and the highest it goes is here, then why the fuck

wouldn't they lie and do everything?

Cause they go, well, I know what it's like to hear, but if you can vary your

consequence with a child and find some conversation in it, then all of a sudden

they're like, well, fuck.

Well, I don't want to lie.

Cause this does, this does suck.

I like this.

I like where we talk and he says, write a thousand words on why driving around

your kids in a car, kids in a car is bad.

So threaten extreme violence every once in a while, just let them know the dog

can fucking bite the dog can bark, the dog can bite.

But if you pet him on his belly or wag its tail, yeah.

Do you worry about being away too much?

I mean, you're one of the most creative content pushers and creators out there.

You're just constantly innovating, constantly putting stuff out there.

But do you worry that pulls you away from like the mundane experience of life?

They can bring contentment and happiness.

Yeah.

I feel like sometimes it cannibalizes your real life where you start going, you

start thinking in promo videos, or you start looking at a vacation as a bit.

Yeah.

Like we should go zip lining.

I don't want, why don't you do, which shoes you wear or not?

Like it can, it can definitely cannibalize your life.

My wife's really good at going like, no, like no phones.

The girls are really good.

The girls, when I started Instagramming stuff, they started saying stuff like,

dad hits mom and I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, guys.

They're like, no, put your phone away.

Yeah.

Dad, dad and less boys.

And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Yeah.

What's, what are some secrets, words of wisdom you can say for how to be successful

online and all the, everything you've learned.

You're kind of like the, the Mr.

Beast of comedy, just innovating constantly in terms of how to promote stuff, in

terms of how to present stuff across the different social media and across

YouTube, podcasts, all that stuff.

I think the number one thing is, don't be afraid to suck.

No one sees the shit, the socks, doesn't get views.

It just gets forgotten.

Yeah, gets forgotten.

The good stuff they remember.

And then that's all they bring up.

The stuff that sucks just goes away.

And they're like, oh yeah, did you do that?

I don't even think I saw that.

Fuck it.

Who cares?

Yeah.

You know, it's like, it's like, I watched one of my favorite stories about

this is a guy named Sean Patton.

I was explaining Instagram stories to him and Ari and Mark Norman.

And I was explaining that you can set now sell tickets on Instagram stories.

It was a back when they swiped up instead of tap the button to swipe up.

And they didn't understand it.

And I said, let me show you.

And I put up tickets for sale.

And I said, you know, hey guys, swipe up.

And then I just showed him in 10 minutes.

Look, there's not many people swiped up.

It was 145 people.

It's a lot of people to buy tickets for a fucking comedy club.

And they were like, whoa.

And then I go, what do you do stories about?

I go, fucking anything.

Who gives a shit?

Just anything.

And some things work, some things don't.

And I watched Sean Patton.

Shout out to Sean Patton.

Try for about 15 minutes to do an Instagram story about his cup of tea.

He was making a cup of tea and he was making it.

And he kept going, hey, okay, hold on, hold on, let me.

Yeah, I was filming him from the couch.

I was filming all these.

The whole thing.

Yeah.

I filmed every single one of my like 15 different stories of him trying to do that.

I had 145,000 views on each story.

He never posted it.

He never posted it.

And I was like, I was like, man, if he had just posted that one, he never posted

anything in his stories.

Yeah.

That one, 145,000 people would have gone to a story to see that cup of tea being

made and see which one he finally went with.

And so sometimes I think the biggest mistake you can make is just not doing it.

Just do it.

Just post it.

Turn the camera on.

The idea will show up and that's the number one thing.

Just turn the camera on and it'll come up.

You'll figure it out.

Do you do multiple takes or no?

Maybe I do three.

Like, and I'm talking even like in the dance video I did, where I did the hip hop dance.

I did two takes on that.

When I had the marching band come to my house, I did two takes on that.

Once you start doing more takes, you lose the fun of it, I think.

And then the fun ones, I mean, my favorite one I've ever done without a doubt.

My favorite promo I've ever done is, uh, I needed, they added a second show in

some city and, uh, and, and they added a second show like Friday and Saturday and

our third show.

And I said, I, they just told me, I was like, fuck, I'm leaving like tomorrow.

I need to sell tickets.

So I said real quick, girls meet me outside and lands like girls are doing

homework.

I go to take five seconds.

I put on a speedo.

I got the American flag.

I gave Isla the hose.

I gave Leanne the leaf blower and I gave Georgia the drone.

And I just had Georgia drone it back to reveal the leaf blower and the mist you

were seeing was coming from Isla and Leanne.

I'm going to speed it with American flag.

I have Bob Seager playing rambling, gremlin man.

And, and that night, Larry, the cable guy texted me and he goes, this is fucking

genius.

And I was like, it was just, and it was just like, yo, just, let's just shoot

something.

Who gives a fuck?

Like just shoot something.

Just, just, just say something and, and, and put a little, just do a little

movement into it and those are my back.

And that was, I used to be, I watched a bunch of my promo clips back from

back in the day.

I used to be really good.

Now it's like, I'm promoting so fucking many things.

I'm just like, I'm almost like, I'm exhausted on my promotions.

Yeah.

Because, you know, the, the well can dry up in terms of ideas.

Yeah.

And it's like, how many times am I going to show a picture of my ass?

My ass sells really good.

Whatever my ass is on Instagram, fucking million views guaranteed a million

views, your ass and, and, and, and, and, and it's, and it's an active post.

Like people are like, I did the best one.

I did the other day was where I superimposed my ass on my front and it

just looked beautiful.

Yeah.

No views.

Oh, so you got reported.

Oh, I looked like a front vagina.

Oh, is that what it was?

Yeah, I think so.

But like, but yeah, my ass, I'm like, I'm, I'm at a place right now where I am

promoting, I'll be promoting this movie.

I'll be promoting this movie until it goes to a streamer.

I'll be promoting it shamelessly.

I am proud of it.

I had a great time shooting it.

It's in theaters.

It'll be on video on demand.

It'll be on a streamer.

I'm sure I don't know, but I'm sure I'm promoting fully loaded my summer

festival with 19 different comics.

I'm promoting the tops off world tour that starts again this fall.

I'm promoting my cruise, the fully loaded cruise.

I'm promoting Red Rocks.

I'm promoting so many things that today was the very first time in my career where

I said, in January, I'm going to take a break.

I'm going to take a break and go like, Hey man, let's, let's get your resting

heart rate down.

Yeah.

Let's, let's get some sleep.

Let's, let's maybe take off like three months from drinking.

Like, let's just really like slow it down and, and also not think when you

thinking in promo all the time, it, it can be a little exhaust.

I mean, you think you think it's exhausting to look at my feet.

It's exhausting to be my feet.

I'm my feet.

It's not as less as more.

One of the things that one, one of the things that inspires me about

Rogan, for example, is, um, he almost never does this kind of stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And how subtly does this podcast?

Cause you're right.

Less is more.

I want to see it like once a month.

No, he does it three times a fucking week.

Yeah.

Let's more is more is more is perfect.

But for example, when he does like a story or something like this, he does one

take it's kind of shitty.

It's the same.

It's the same.

It's elk with a bunch of jalapenos, a knife that he had sent to him by a

fucking knife maker and him going, look at this.

Look at this, uh, trigger smoker.

I reverse seared this.

This is what's great.

Look at this.

I'm about to put it in the butter and like, this is grass-fed butter.

This elk really raises my testosterone.

Rogan is, it's, you're right.

With guys like Rogan, when he does do a story, they're a little precious.

Yeah.

And there's, I don't think he's, he's ever done a second take.

Those stories.

No, no, you have to really admire that.

Like, uh, if the shot is framed poorly, if the audio sucks, it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter when he, this is like, like I can get in the weeds on Rogan,

but, and especially when it's Instagram.

Do you remember when he got his polar plunge and he couldn't sit it in a minute?

And then the next day, and then he must have gotten it on the internet bad.

Yeah.

He must have gotten it bad.

Yeah.

The next day, he sat in for 20 minutes and he lowered his core temperature by like

two degrees and it took him like a month to get that back.

Yep.

That is that fucking man.

What an interesting, you know, it's, I told you at the beginning, we were just

talking, I like, I really enjoy, I draw inspiration for men I'm not like, um,

you, David Goggins, Cam Haynes, um,

Andrew Huberman, I love, uh, uh, uh, fucking, I mean, there's so many

guys like that Rogan, you know, you do Tim Kennedy.

Like there are a lot of guys that are like just very different men than me.

And I love Jaco Wilnick.

Like I love, I love reading their stuff or listening to their audio

books or listening to their podcasts because I'm so not like that.

But that took, for me, when I add a little bit of that in my life, like I remember

you went, I don't know what you were doing, but you were walking us through your

day and it was so fascinating.

It was like, it was like, I ran eight miles today.

I listened to an audio book, I was running eight miles and then I came and I

worked for about three hours straight on AI stuff.

And I'm like, and I was like, wait, you sat at a desk, like you like sat at a desk

and like, and I, I actually, I wouldn't even know what to do.

I would start doing crafts.

Like I wouldn't, like that you went, I was like, is your computer?

Like, yeah.

Have you set for like four hours focused on a single task?

Me?

Yeah.

No, no, oh, I'm sleeping for four hours.

Yeah.

Like I, I, I don't have that.

I, I don't have a brain that like, I really admired it when I listened to you do it

because then you were like, you were talking, you were fasting at the time.

You were doing your fast.

And then you talk about what you ate.

And I was jealous.

I wanted to be able to be like that.

And I think at that time we started, I think you were doing maybe bone broth or

something and we started doing bone broth pretty religiously and adding that into

a fast because I was like, it does, for someone like me, it does feel cool to add

a little bit of control into life.

So integrating a little bit of a way of being from another person that you're not

like.

Yeah, like, like, uh, like so, so David Goggins is consistently pushing himself.

I love, I did it, I did it over the pandemic more, but I love to go in today.

I'm running a marathon.

I'm going to get on the treadmill and it's not going to be all at once, but I'm

going to get through a marathon today.

So let's get up, get up to six months from coffee and let's see if we can be like

five miles and then know that we started there.

And that was really fun.

Like, um, Cam Haynes does that too, where he goes like, he almost just sets the limit

and then, and then achieves that.

His son, Truett is really fascinating because his son Truett's right now is

trying to get the, and like, I bet people would never think that this is

who I watch, but I get real inspiration from those people because I showed

Jaco, I showed a clip to Jaco, to Isla, cause Isla's like me, like, like a person

of her fluids, impulse, I walked in on her one time, she was in the pantry in

a bathrobe in the dark, drinking a root beer.

And I opened the door and she went, I said, what?

She goes, I thought you were mom, shut the door.

And I shut the door to let her finish the root beer.

She has a hard time waking up.

So I look, come in here.

I want you to see this clip from Jaco.

She goes, who's Jaco?

I say, he's a Navy SEAL.

She goes, he works at the zoo.

I went, no, he's a Navy fucking SEAL.

I go, it's a badass job.

She goes, it's a silly name.

And I went, no, it's not, it isn't a silly name.

These guys are the toughest dudes in the world.

She goes, she's kind of right though, about the silly name.

I never even realized that.

Well, yeah, you talk to a child.

Yeah.

And so I go, watch this, what he says about waking up.

So it hits the thing and Jaco goes, first thing you do when you hear that alarm

clock, you could roll over, you could go back to bed, you could hit snooze, but

you get out of bed and that's your first victory.

And Isla hits pause and she goes, how great is that nap right after you

hit snooze though?

It is pretty funny.

Am I going to hang on?

It is great.

You're missing the point.

You need to listen to this whole speech.

He's with Casey Neistat when he's telling the speech.

He's with Casey Neistat.

And so I hit it and then he goes, and then you've got a victory under your belt.

Then you go to the gym and you work out and like, are you listening to Isla?

And she goes, yeah.

And he goes, and then when you go to the work, now you've got two victories.

You've worked out and you've woken up on time.

You didn't hit that snooze button.

So when you go into that break room and you see Donuts and she hits pause,

she goes, um, if he's about to say no to Donuts, I'm done listening.

I was definitely going to say no to Donuts.

Do you think he's going to have a donut?

And she goes, you like this guy?

I go, I fucking love him.

And she goes, do you think he'd like you?

And I go, what do you mean?

She goes, dad, you hit snooze, you skip working out and you love donuts.

And I'm like, yeah, you're making a good fucking point.

I go, I, but I, but I do love that.

Like I love to watch that brain work and go like, like I don't, I don't hit snooze.

Like I don't hit snooze.

Now I go fuck it because I'm up, but I, and then, and then I go to the gym

every single morning.

I go to the gym every single morning and today's national donut day.

I didn't have a donut.

And so like, I, I, like, I try, I like try to apply these a little bit.

Cause I, I mean, the other side of me is like, tonight, after we do this,

I'll do another podcast.

And then I'm going to call Leanne and go, yo, we're in Beverly Hills.

Meet me out here.

Let's go have drinks.

Let's go have a fucking couple of compari spritz.

Let's, I was over at a friend's house and overnight.

Let's get some edibles and let's fucking have a night about it.

Get some sushi, go have sex in the hot tub.

And I got to work out at fucking 10 in the morning.

I got to tell you that nap when you press snooze is the sweetest.

That's, that's my victory.

First victory is pressing snooze and getting the nap onto the belt.

I, have you ever had, I had, so this, this morning I didn't work, I didn't work out.

I'd press it like five in the morning until about six.

You're going hard right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then I saw you flew to Austin.

I was like, what?

Yeah.

What?

Just run around theaters and now you're back.

Yeah.

I run around theaters to do, to promote the movie.

And then look, you only get one shot at these movies.

So you might as well do it.

And look, it's really hard to get people to go into a movie theater right now.

And so I woke up at like six, did five or six to seven, did press.

And then I went and I said, and I'm really into a podcast, a history podcast right now.

And I was listening to this one about the conquistadors and I was, and I was like,

before when I woke up, I was like, I wouldn't mind going back to that.

And I said, I'll tell you what, I'm going to take a little nap and go.

Now I slept good last night.

I slept like seven hours last night.

Boy, that 30 minute nap, it felt like five hours and I woke up going,

I got to readjust my sleep score.

That has to be in the 97.

That was the best fucking nap.

Those little snooze naps are monsters.

You know, there's, I don't care.

That's probably for me, one of the peak experiences of life is those naps.

I don't know what that is.

Have you ever slept in a tour bus?

A tour bus versus a regular bus?

Like a tour bus, like meaning like in a bunk.

No.

No.

I've taken a lot of buses in my life though.

Like meaning like just like a, like a gray home.

Those are very different.

And where people pick your pocket.

Listen, Dave, that's just part of, part of life in a greyhound.

I was on a greyhound one time, I was on a greyhound one time, right,

when Notorious B.I.G.'s album came out in college.

And I was going from Tallahassee down to Tampa and the dude got on the tour bus,

got on the bus next to me, black dude.

And he sat down, he said, where you headed?

And I said, Tampa.

He said, you grew up in Tampa?

I said, yeah.

I said, you?

And he goes, yeah.

I said, you go to school with fam?

And because of what fam you and Florida say, the two schools, one's black, one's white.

And he goes, no, I just got a prison.

I said, you got a prison?

And he goes, yeah, yeah, man, I got a prison.

I stabbed a dude and I've been in prison.

I just got out today.

He goes, what are you listening to?

I said, Notorious B.I.G.

And he goes, oh, shit, that's out?

And I went, yeah.

And he goes, I want to hear it.

Can I hear it?

And I was like, yeah.

And he used my headset to the whole bus ride to Tampa.

I didn't have the bomb.

I was like, he stabbed a man.

They're yours now, I guess.

And then I just sat next to him and I was like, is it you enjoying it?

He's like, this is good.

No, tour bus snaps.

Yeah.

When you're in a bunk, it's ice cold.

Bus isn't moving.

Five o'clock, like we work out from like up until like five o'clock,

five thirty, show starts at seven.

But that five o'clock to six, six thirty nap, it's pitch black.

It's like a coffin and it is ice cold.

And you got all your pillows and blankets in there.

And you put a little history podcast on in the corner and you just listen to like

Kurt Mombashi or like, oh my God.

So you're talking about like five, six PM for a seven PM show.

It's the best nap you'll ever have.

You wake up so refreshed.

Yeah.

Like I've woken up from naps, like where I'm like, fuck yeah.

Like those tour bus naps are the best naps.

I think having a full productive day and then like five, six PM to a nap.

And then you do something really stressful after that.

Like really hyper like, like a show.

But if I do, like I really like doing podcasts like late at night after a nap.

I think I fucked up my podcast rhythm because we're doing them in the day.

Yeah.

And so sometimes I'm just like, like if I work out the morning, I'm good on a podcast.

But if I don't work out, I suck on a podcast.

I'm just like, uh-huh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's cool.

No, I, I'm, my favorite is, I used to do this a lot.

I haven't done it in a while is a full busy day nap at home, box of wine on the treadmill

and do that until like midnight or watching TV, box of wine.

Box of wine on a treadmill.

It's the best.

How are you, how are you sipping it, Jake?

You have a glass, but you have a box.

The box fits on the corner of the treadmill.

So you just got a little spigot and you just sit there and just put on like guys grocery

games or like just something.

It's like a-

You walking or are you running?

I walk.

I walk like a three, five.

So what will happen is if you start at three, start at three casual walk, 20 minutes, you're

getting a mile in and then you're, and you're going to feel loose.

Get up to a three, five.

You can do seven miles on these things and just, and just, and you're just enjoying your

night, especially like my wife back in the day when we lived in our old house, my wife

would come into the man cave and she'd sit on the couch and we'd watch TV together and

like watch Game of Thrones and you just like for an hour and you just get on the treadmill

and do it.

Oh man, I loved, haven't done that as much lately.

That was the fucking best.

So you can lose yourself.

You can forget yourself.

You forget you're on a treadmill and you just start like walking and you're sweating and

you're having wine and then at certain points, you're like, you start jogging, especially like

we were watching a, not all quiet on the restaurant front, what's the one where they've

got to, they've got to get the message to the front line.

I would run like I was in World War II.

Yeah.

I would run when they would run and it was fucking awesome and I would be like,

because they were doing drinks.

They'd be like, take a drink, you got to run up there and be like, okay.

Yeah.

I'm really into, I'm really into history podcasts right now.

Like I've been in them for a while.

20th century or everything.

Everything, everything.

I listened to Marcus Aurelius and Cleopatra today.

I didn't know the podcast.

They're like, you know, just, you know, Cleopatra wasn't as hot as everyone says.

I was like, why are you saying that?

Yeah.

Tell me she's a six.

She looked like Snooki.

Yeah.

Like, why, let me, let me dream that she looked like Kim Kardashian.

Yeah.

And then I listened to that one today.

I listened to World War II a lot.

Oh.

A lot of books on World War II, a lot of podcasts about it.

What's your favorite theater, the Pacific or European?

No, European.

I Pacific, well, because my family's so much of it has died in that theater.

So.

Dude, so much of it.

I hate to sound cliche, like I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger in an 80s movie, but it's personal.

Well, you know what I find funny about that?

Yeah.

Is Lennon, it was Lennon, right?

John Lennon or the other one?

No, no, no.

Was it, Lennon was World War II, right?

Or was it Stalin?

Stalin.

Stalin.

Stalin.

Stalin thought him and Hitler would be friends.

Yeah.

I think that's so cute that he was like, we're going to be buddies.

Yeah.

Like we're boys.

Yeah.

And then Hitler's like, oh, fuck you.

I'm Hitler, bro.

This is what I do.

Well, at first he was like, fuck yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll be friends.

Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

Hey, then call me, call me.

Better yet, I'll show up and winner.

How's that sound?

Yeah.

That, uh, that, uh, I find that, I find all of that so fascinating.

When I was a kid, I had a hard time understanding how,

because we were always at war with Russia when I was a kid.

And I had a hard time understanding how we could be on the same team

as Russia in World War II.

And I was like, wait, how did that turn south?

And then you listen to podcasts.

Yeah, I'm, I'm that, all of that, all of that, like, all of the World War II,

I got really into the Pacific shit for a while, but I'm really deep in the, in,

in the whole, we, we, we went to Normandy from the Cliffs of Dover and to think,

so that's the fucking beach.

That's the fucking beach.

Oh shit, this is cold as fuck.

These dudes jumped in ice, cold water.

Yeah.

And this isn't like a cool beach.

Like this is, and it's just so insane to, and then to see like the, the, it's pretty intense.

I don't know why I got into history late in life.

I wasn't, I was kind of into it, but I'm really into it now.

And I love just learning a little something about, you know, today was,

I listened to like the, Noiser has a great history stuff.

It's like history for dummies, I think.

Like I get, I can't listen to the really smart stuff, starts losing me.

Too many names that I'm gone.

Yeah. Well, Dan Carlin is always the best.

Your podcast with Dan Carlin was so fucking good.

He is, he is, I mean, I only know about Martin Luther because of Dan Carlin.

I only know, like I would have, I made a joke about some Lutheran the other day

and everyone laughed.

And I was like, did you guys listen to the same podcast I did?

Because I just am quoting Dan Carlin.

That, his podcast, I mean, we all quoted the same shit about Genghis Khan

about how he could shoot a dove off a horseback.

But we knew that all four hoofs had to be off the ground at the same time they shot.

They would sometimes take their meat and stick it under their saddles.

And that, I mean, Dan Carlin is, he is the motherfucker.

Yeah.

God, those were, man, discovering podcasts was the coolest time of my life.

And the interesting thing about him is, is audio and so it's the voice.

So for me, I mean, everybody has a story with a prostitute in a motel.

Dan Carlin was my prostitute in the motel.

I invited him to a motel.

I don't even remember in the middle of nowhere.

He shows up with that voice and the rest, the rest is history.

So good.

Things they will never know.

Because he liked you.

Oh boy, did he like, I'm just kidding.

I'm, I'm, I'm really running with this.

Yeah, yeah.

Yes, we did.

We got along with like, I mean, he's an incredibly kind and thoughtful person,

constantly self-critical thinking he's not good enough.

He just works on those episodes forever.

Forever.

And he just thinks that there's these, just like with Goggins, there's these

other historians that I think like way on him, like they're going to judge him or

something like this in his mind.

I talked about, I talked to it with them about Daniel Patel.

And I guess his thing is he, I guess, I guess his, his hangup is, Carlin's is, he's not a,

he, he's not like this, like, he doesn't feel like he's a real historian, but he is.

Yeah.

I mean, it's the way he shares the story.

Look, we had a history teacher in seventh grade who was a con artist and he came and

taught her seventh grade and it was told con artist.

All he taught us about was barnstorming, barnstorming and the JFK assassination.

I walked away having such an appreciation for barnstorming, a very small blip on Americana.

But I know a lot about barnstorming because of this guy and he, because he was passionate

about barnstorming.

It was the funniest seventh grade history class I've ever taken my entire life.

You mentioned tour bus.

Uh, what's the best road trip you've been on?

Have you, have you driven across the country?

Just you?

No.

We had one road trip in college where a bar had burned down and we found out that the alcohol

was still in the bar.

Yeah.

So we took my Jetta over to the bar and we emptied out the bar of all the burnt up liquor.

We didn't know what anything was.

We threw it into the trunk with no clothes, like no, no clothes.

And we said, let's just start driving.

And we drove from Tallahassee and ended up in West Virginia and just, just drove.

Just drove.

It was like five dudes.

We drank one person drove.

I, I wasn't a big drinker and this sounds kind of crazy.

I wasn't a big drinker in college until I went to Russia.

And so I drove the majority of the way and then we, we get somewhere and, and we get a hotel room.

And it was one of the most epic fucking weekends of just debauchery and chaos.

And I think we took mushrooms and we, we, we went down a river in tubes.

So it's mostly about the bond between the five people.

Five dudes.

Versus like throwing yourself into meeting like strangers and this kind of stuff.

Yeah.

And it was when, it was when I was like, I was trying to be a poet at that time.

And so like we were.

Actual poetry.

Yeah.

It was a really bad part of my life.

I was just.

Well, you were like, is like music is there too somewhere?

Yeah.

I tried to be in a band too.

That didn't work out the way I wanted it to.

I just was never, I always was, I was never the, I'm not a good serious person.

Like I'm a good funny person.

I'm good to be the fool, but I'm not good when I try to be serious.

It looks foolish.

And so even like, you know, someone said, showed me throwing out the first pitch the other day

at something and all I could see is my gut flying everywhere.

And I was like, that's why it went viral.

I was like, fuck, I thought it was my throwing style.

That was a pretty epic one.

The best road trips I ever took was during the pandemic.

During the pandemic, when we were, when we would, we were doing that drive-in movie theater tour.

I created a drive-in movie theater tour when no one was working.

And the very first one, we all, no one had left our houses.

We all went to my house.

We got my tour bus.

We had just wrapped the day the tour bus showed up.

We just wrapped the cabin, just wrapped doing the cabin on Netflix.

And we got COVID tested.

We got in the tour bus and we said, let's create our bubble and stay safe.

And that night we drove, I think, just outside Gallup.

And we stayed in A. And no one had been outside.

And we stayed at a, at a, at a KOA, camp on arrival.

And we watched thunderstorms come in on a lake.

And we were all smoking cigars and drinking IPAs.

And it was fucking mad.

And that whole road trip, we rode trips across the country to start the tours.

And then we just, and we were outside for the first time.

And we were, and it was that period of my life.

I'm so grateful.

I didn't make a ton of money because we had a big crew and I made sure,

I was trying to make sure everyone, because no one had paid bills in a while.

But that fucking tour was the funnest.

We took up pickleball.

We took up disc golf.

Everything was wide open in the middle of the country.

You could do things, but we were still in our bubble.

And we lived in that tour bus.

And at night, we'd just get back in the tour bus by ourselves and get fucking wasted.

And, and I mean, that fucking run, it'll nothing will ever be like that.

Yeah, because you like rediscovered the humanity, the camaraderie,

because the pandemic kind of killed that.

At least suffocated us from like their basic connection.

Yeah.

And, and, and there was this,

you always had an anxiety attack halfway through that you got COVID.

And this one, you know, COVID was killing people.

And you were like, I know I've got COVID.

And then, and then we'd come in to Sedona.

You know, this was also why I didn't make a ton of money.

We'd come into Sedona and we'd get a house in Sedona for five days at Airbnb.

And we'd all isolate there before we went home to our families.

Yeah.

I remember, I remember the first time we did it, we didn't isolate.

We'd just pulled back into LA and all our families were freaked out.

So I had to stay, but live on the tour bus in a different house.

And it was 4th of July and I came in and they were doing an egg toss.

And they're like, well, you can do an egg toss.

Then this is not about my anxiety gets.

You can do an egg toss with your daughter Isla.

So Isla and I did an egg toss and we fucking got it to like legit,

like 40 fucking feet where I was throwing overhand lobbing them to her.

And the egg cracked in her hands and it broke over her face.

And I got in bed that night, high on weed, fucking drunk.

And I went, what if I gave my daughter COVID from an egg toss?

I go, that would be the most horrific way to kill a child.

And she got it from an egg toss.

It broke in her face.

Her dad did COVID.

Yeah.

I mean, that's the scariest thing about COVID.

I think it's not you dying, but because of you, somebody else dies.

Oh, I got it.

That's the fear I think that really like took hold on people.

That's why they were way more cautious than perhaps they needed to be.

It's just like, I don't want to be the guy that's responsible for killing somebody I love

or somebody that somebody else loves.

Leanne gave everyone in our family COVID.

She came up to me and she gave me a hug after Christmas and gives me a hug.

I said, what's the matter?

She goes, I think I have COVID.

I go, bitch, six feet, what the fuck are you doing?

Back it up, Fauci, like fucking.

And then she, we went, and then she had it and it went away and we're all fine.

And we're like, okay, we can still go to Park City.

So we all go to Park City, then Georgia gets COVID.

And then Georgia starts crying and she goes, I think I gave you COVID.

And I was like, I'm fine.

She goes, you're at high risk.

And I'm like, what?

She's like, you're a fat alcoholic.

I'm like, whoa, easy.

Where the fuck, what about feelings?

And then Georgia got COVID.

Me and I love her still in Park City.

Leanne had it.

My tour bus came up, picked Georgia up.

Georgia and Leanne took her back to LA.

And I was, I was over there and I tested.

And then we got on the plane and I cough and Isla's got her mask on.

And Isla just looked at me, you know, the best.

The one thing we miss are the eyes of her masks.

And then we get home and I had COVID.

And Isla's like, if you gave me fucking COVID, and then she never got COVID.

She never got COVID.

You mentioned IPAs.

What's the lay of the land of great beers in this expansive world of ours?

I like Pilsner's.

I'm a Pilsner guy.

I'm an ice cold beer guy.

Ice cold Pilsner.

I like an ice cold beer.

I like an ice cold.

One of the best beer buzzes I ever had is we had bought a new house, but we weren't building it.

And over COVID, I didn't drink for like three months, four months until we decided to go

back out on tour.

And we figured that out.

And I was in the backyard.

And Leanne came back with like two tall boy German Pilsners and cracked them.

And she goes, let's have a beer.

And I was like, fuck yeah.

And man, that second that beer buzz is different than anything.

So second it, it touches you, you feel the sparkle.

And you're just like, yeah, baby, I'm back.

And then she's like, you want another one?

I'm like, fuck yeah.

And then we have another one.

And then, and that beer buzz is especially afternoon beer buzz is just so pretty.

It's different than a night beer buzz.

A night beer buzz is like, oh, I guess we'll have a beer.

And then I'm a couple, I gotta go to work tomorrow.

All right.

But that afternoon, irresponsible beer buzz.

Pilsner.

Pilsner.

There's, I don't mind an IPA, but it's got to be at a, it's got to, I got to be at somewhere.

I got to be at somewhere.

I, they got to have an IP, like I like a local IPA.

It's got to be food involved.

And then I'm enjoying an IPA.

I threw up an IPA in a bathtub in Salt Lake City one time.

It was bad.

What do you mean?

Oh, you threw up in the bathtub.

Okay.

No, no, no.

I was drinking in the bathtub.

Like bath up with some water in it or?

No, no, no, no, no.

You're sitting in the bathtub?

No, I'm getting ready to take a shower.

And I had a growler of IPA.

It's about six in the morning.

I have to fly that day to Vegas to jump off the stratosphere.

All I need is a little bit of a buzz to get myself on this fucking plane.

I have anxiety going through my fucking head

because I'm jump, I'm gonna be the first person to jump off the stratosphere.

And so I'm drinking an IPA out of a growler in a bathtub at six in the morning.

And it just didn't sit right.

And I threw it up and I was off IPAs for like 10 fucking years.

I didn't have another IPA until I was like 46.

Because I was like, all I could think about was throwing up that IPA in a bathtub

in a shower and being like, I'm gonna throw up thinking about it.

But yeah, I didn't fuck with IPAs for a while.

And then during the pandemic, I got it, I got back into IPAs.

I was that way with Jack and Coke, Jack Daniels and Coke.

Really?

Got so drunk many, many years ago that just couldn't look at it for a few years.

I can't touch, what's Janice Joplin's drink?

Southern comfort.

I can't touch Southern comfort.

Did you just drink it straight?

Well, Southern comfort is at 40%.

That's hard.

No, it's almost like a liqueur.

Honestly, it's really sweet.

Jack, double Jack on the rocks, lots of rocks.

I had a quote that, I got a video that was viral about I'll never quit drinking.

Yeah.

And I have not gotten on a plane since that without having a flight attendant,

not even ask what I want.

Walk up with a double Jack on the rocks, lots of rocks.

I mean, it happens.

So on times I don't want to drink.

Yeah.

I flew to Austin the other day.

I was like, I'm not drinking on the plane because I felt sick.

And man, he walked up and he goes, double Jack on the rocks, lots of rocks.

I was like, fuck, you know it.

Yeah.

But yeah, that's my drink.

Wait, what's your drink?

I thought you'd be a vodka guy.

Well, vodka I associate with a lot of moments in my life of happiness

because vodka is associated with shots and camaraderie.

And there's Eastern Europe in general, a bunch of guys get together

and you celebrate life intensely.

Yeah.

People fight, people just feel, people experience life in a deep way,

just get too drunk for a reason.

But I don't see that as drinking, drinking.

That's like a journey towards a destination.

To me, drinking is whiskey neat or beer.

Like you said, ice cold beer.

Yeah.

This is that afternoon beer.

Like for a person like me who's extremely regimented and disciplined,

sometimes you get the situation.

I just remember, I mean, I remember there's a bar at MIT

where I just remember in the afternoon, there was like a business meeting

and I sat down, we just started with a beer and they were like really crisply cold,

some kind of lager, and then just one beer and two beers.

And all of a sudden you say, fuck it.

Let's just, the rest of the day, this is what this is.

And you said, bright, like you just life and nature is beautiful out there.

And you just said, fuck it to all the meetings, fuck it to everything else.

Just the camaraderie, the just talking about life, being silly, being, you know, all of that.

See that, see, you're describing something I'll never get, because I'm not regimented.

I would love, I would love, I would love, only for the moment that you get to have,

you get the most precious little angel's breath that anyone's going to get,

because you live this life that's dialed in and it's scheduled.

And so when you say, fuck it, it's like, that's like me doing coke.

Like it's like, oh, fuck it.

And you can just do that with beer.

That is fucking amazing.

I would love to live a regimented life just to get the chance to go,

hey guys, I'm not performing surgery today, fuck it.

Hey guys, this bus full of kids, kids gotta drive itself home, fuck it.

I couldn't even, I couldn't even tell you, you know, it's so interesting about

me and you is like, you know, I'm a fan of yours.

I couldn't even, I don't really know what AI is, like other than like dildos or AI, right?

Like if I had some electronics in it.

No, I don't think a dildo classifies as a robot.

Because I thought that's how they were going to take over fucking mankind.

Well, they start with these, the fucking womanizer that knows how to eat a pussy.

And then they're like, we don't need men anymore.

But like it's so interesting that I couldn't even, like I can barely tell you what my dad

does for a living.

He's a lawyer.

I could kind of, like he's called me and say, hey man, you gotta stop talking about what I do

because you're not doing it right.

I go, what do you mean?

He's like, whatever you're saying I do, I don't do.

And so, but like I couldn't even begin to explain your job to my daughter.

Well, I think there's the way you do the job, which is the way you experience life,

the regimented just, even just a nine to five job, right?

You do work nine to five?

No, but I work much more than that.

But there's no, every kind of lifestyle has its complexities.

I think nine to five means you have to wake up at a certain time every day.

Do people tell you to pull it back and then like, hey, you're working too hard?

Yeah, a lot of people.

What I want in my life, what I love in my life,

especially people close to me are the ones that say work harder.

Because everybody, how do you get them?

How do you get them?

I don't have anyone in my life that does that.

Everybody's always worried about me.

Everyone's worried about me.

Everyone's always worried about me.

The only thing no one ever says, if I showed you my DMs right now on my texts,

all it is is like, hey man, I'm worried about you.

Like Joe, I love Joe to death.

Not once has he, he always, I don't know if you've seen the caring Joe eyes where like,

I'm worried about you.

Where it's like,

and you're like, hey man, don't do that.

And he's like, I'm worried about you.

And you're like, don't fucking worry about me.

I'm working.

It's, I'm just working.

I love working.

I love what I do.

I love what I do.

I can only imagine that you love what you do as much as I love what I do.

Because that's all I ever want to think about.

It's all I ever want to talk about.

It's all I ever want to be like, I, I, I, when my wife wants me to take

August and whatever the August, whatever the fucking other month is.

September, that's not August.

No, but like July and August off after we do fully loaded.

And I was like, no.

I was like, what do you mean?

Like, so like, well, I'll just, am I like sitting in a chair and stuff?

She's like, no, you can do, like take up a hobby.

I go writing jokes.

Can I get on stage?

Can I do sets in the city?

Because I'm not going to fucking, you want me to like, like, I don't understand what,

I don't understand people who don't, I don't understand people who don't have the drive

to work all the time.

I don't understand that.

I envy it.

I envy it because I go, I would love to just be like, I'm going to play video games.

I can't play a video game.

If I did, I'll be on Twitch trying to make money.

Like I love, how do you find someone who goes, you need to work harder?

Yeah, especially when they see like, I don't know what you look like,

but I, I look tormented when I'm working very hard.

Like it means like it's easy to worry for my wellbeing.

It's not like I'm happy, go lucky.

But I'm happy underneath it.

My working too hard is like on a plane every other day or every day,

getting up at six, working out and then going into like two in the morning or one in the morning

and then going to sleep and then getting up at six, working out,

getting on a plane, going to another place.

Like that's what my working, it's just a lot of travel in mine.

If I didn't drink on planes, I don't think anyone would probably worry about me at all.

They'd be like, no, you're doing great.

But the working out is there.

So I gotta ask you, because you and I seem to have a similar relationship with running.

I like this idea of slow treadmill.

I like running slow, like a, you know, like a 10 minute mile or something like this.

I'll just run forever.

Just listen to an audio book, listen to brown noise, think.

I love it.

What's brown noise?

It's actually Brownian noise, but short brown noise.

It's kind of like white noise, but deeper.

So it's just noise like that.

It kind of sounds like a waterfall.

And I'll just listen to it and something happens to me.

I think there's, you can ask Kuberman about this.

I don't, but apparently there's some science that kind of focuses the mind and so on.

It's funny because I think sometimes what people don't get about running is they go,

they get on and they put it on like a six right away on like a treadmill

and they go, I can't do this for fucking 30 minutes,

but you can if you build yourself up to your six and you play games.

I play games with myself a lot.

Like I'll play games where I go.

And I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this almost not all day long, but I can do this a lot longer.

Like I did it for two hours the other day before my workout

or no hour and a half before my workout where I started at 3.5 walking.

And then I, and then I get my jog up to like a five and then I'm like 5.5.

Then I go six and then I go, and once I'm at a six, my body's really loose.

And so then I go, all right, bring it down to a 3.5.

And then I go punch it to a 7.5 for a quarter of a mile.

And then let's walk at a four, let's jog at a five.

I can do that.

I love they're called a fartlets, I think.

And I love those like where it's like, it's regimented running

and sprinting at certain levels.

I love that.

And I love also when I work out to listen to music,

but put on foreign language cooking shows on Netflix.

Can you explain that?

They just put it on mute.

You don't need to hear it for some reason.

They're sexier the way they're shot.

They're sexier.

And it's like street food Asia.

And they're just watching them make street food in Asia.

There's one called broth.

It's called broth, the nation of broth.

And they're just making broths.

And you're like, fuck, I want some broth.

So this is South America.

This is Asia.

South America, Asia.

They do one on pizzas.

I've watched this one on pizzas that I've watched it.

There's like four episodes.

I've watched every episode so many times that my trainer goes,

God, that's that fucking, I could watch that again.

I love watching foreign language cooking shows on mute

when I work out.

While blasting music.

While blasting hip-hop.

See, Darren.

All right.

Well, I usually run outside, but I do the same thing.

Oh, I can't.

I don't mind hiking.

And I like, you know what, my fun thing,

the fun thing I would do, and this is ripped off totally

from Cam Haynes, is I like to go,

uh, there's a great hike called Fryman Canyon

out in the valley where I live.

And I'd be like, all right, I'm going to run to Fryman Canyon.

I'm going to jog to Fryman Canyon.

I'm going to hike Fryman Canyon.

And then I'm going to jog back.

And then I wonder how long that is.

And I go, don't think about it.

Just know that that's your thing.

Just know that that's your thing.

And then all of a sudden you're like,

shit, that was eight miles.

You're like, that's a fucking beast.

The hike doesn't even feel like anything.

The hike, once you do the jog, there's a hard part there.

The jog home is a fucking cakewalk.

I had the best jog.

When I was in Serbia, I had the best jog.

I think it was in Hyde Park.

I think the name of the park is Hyde Park.

It was, get this, it was 80% downhill.

Wow.

So this jog, you started the park and it was like,

I'll do it like this for you.

You went like, downhill like this, downhill like this,

downhill like this.

And then it was like a little steep incline

to get to the beginning of it.

So it was like a little like nice, like lower back pain.

And you're like, okay, okay.

And then the jog was perfect.

And you did it four times.

It was four miles.

I loved it.

My very first day I did it.

A butterfly got in front of me.

It's like six in the morning.

So yeah, six in the morning.

And the butterfly got in front of me.

And it ran the whole first mile in front of me.

And I just, it was like so surreal.

It would disappear.

And then it would show back up in front of me.

Yeah.

You sure it was real?

Definitely real.

And then the next day.

And so I go, I'm on the right path.

I'm on the right path.

The next day I go for a jog, six in the morning, and it rained.

And as I'm doing the steep uphill incline, a tree collapsed in front of me.

Just went, and I went, whoa, a tree fell in the woods and I was here to see it.

Shut the fuck up.

I was like, that's crazy.

And it didn't hit me.

I'm on the right path.

And then I started getting overthinking it.

Like the next day I saw a condom and I was like,

this is a good place to do it.

I was like, people fucked here last night.

But, but yeah, that was one of the best jogs I've ever had.

I could do that.

I could run that park every single day and no one jogged that park in Serbia.

I actually recently had a condom on my doorstep.

And I wanted to ask whoever is up there above what, what that means, what the,

you know, what the story behind that is.

Yeah.

It's like, you know.

Just a pissed off UPS guy.

Was it compromised?

What do you mean compromised?

Like, was there stuff inside it?

Oh, I didn't look.

I mean, very few people put on the condom and go, it's not for me.

I'm going to take it off.

It's a little tight.

It could be to send a message like a horse's head kind of thing.

Oh yeah.

I don't know.

I don't know what the message is exactly.

Do you use condoms?

If you had a one next time, would you use a condom?

I don't know what a condom is.

I didn't never heard.

Good call.

I'm learning.

Good call.

I'm learning.

I've learned about sex from you today.

If my wife dies, there's no condoms in my future.

I'll get it.

I don't care.

I have babies.

I don't give a shit.

Your man of principle.

I like it.

Mark Marin wrote something about your book many, many, many ages ago.

Life for the Party.

I think there's an interesting question in there.

So first of all, I wrote eloquently about you.

Burke Reicher is one of the great American wild men, a Gonzo warrior driven not by cynicism

or desire to reveal a dark truth, but instead by a deep almost essential need to have a good time,

no matter what.

His stories track the trials and tribulations of a big hearted dude trying to fit in,

help out, and party and find himself.

After all is said and done, we arrive with him at the true humility of joy.

So when was this desire for pure joy born in you?

It seems like you are driven towards this joy.

Yeah, I think I arrived at it in college.

I wasn't always the guy I am.

I was really a pretty serious dude when I got to college.

Like dark brooding serious?

Yeah, I wanted to be like Eddie Vedder.

I wanted to be like a poet and a fucking lead singer.

And I wanted to be taken seriously and I wanted to be attractive and I wanted to be

I wanted to be wanted by chicks and respected by dudes.

And slowly but surely, I think the bird I really am chipped away at that and was like,

Hey man, I would say funny things that would surprise me.

They were so funny.

Meaning like in my fraternity, I'd say things that were the funniest thing that I go.

How did I think of that?

And then slowly I was like, and I remember as I chipped away at that and as I got older,

I would lean towards that.

We would go on a bus trip to like Clemson and I would get on the walkie talking on the bus

and I would do stand up for like an hour.

I just make jokes for an hour and I loved the impulse of like,

you know, you get on the bus and everyone's like,

we're going to drink and you get that one group of girls that wasn't going to drink

and then to break them.

And they're like, oh, fuck it.

Fine. Let's drink.

And then that to watch that happen.

And I think then one time and then when I went to Russia,

this is so cliche for me to say, but interacting with those young Banditi,

they were, they were pretty serious dudes.

They didn't have like, they were pretty stoic dudes.

And when you could make them laugh, it was like a real, it was a real joy, the silliest things.

I remember, you know, we were told there was a club.

It was called Cafe Europa or maybe Cafe Americana.

There's where everyone really hung out.

Like all the real dudes, the real dudes in St. Petersburg.

And they had told us that like, they told us in our class that Russian women didn't have tampons.

So they were like, bring tampons to give to the Babushka, the Davushka that ran the floor.

After all this time, the fact that you're Russian sucks is awesome.

Yeah.

Because you keep mispronouncing words horribly.

I horribly, I'm so fucking bad.

I am so bad.

You know, that's how, you know, that's how I got the name of the machine.

Right?

Yeah.

I was trying to say I'm a machine and I said I'm a car.

Yeah.

And they just were like, huh?

And so I came into the room one night with a top pocket full of tampons.

Yeah.

And they were like, what are those for?

I said, girls, how are we going to pick up girls?

And the look on their face was so, it was so pure joy.

I remember the first night I pulled out lemons and this is, it sounds,

it sounds make believe now to say it because it's been in the movie.

And I brought out lemons.

We were in lemon drops.

I had vodka and lemons and sugar and a pocket knife and a fanny pack.

And I put out lemons and, and this guy Igor goes, oh, the machine runs on lemons.

Like it was just so foreign that you would need lemon for them.

And so I, I think, and I made friends with those guys.

Like, I mean, like friends, whatever you can.

But like, definitely me and that guy Igor were legit friends, legit friends.

But from a place of joy, like it was like, it was like real.

Seeing them light up.

And then I remember backpacking through Europe after that

and realizing I could bring a spark of fun to like a campfire.

And I had little tricks.

Like I learned all the currencies around the world.

And so I, I challenged people to a currency game.

I go, let's go head to head.

You say you, you name a country in the currency and I'll name a country in the currency.

And I would, I would slow roll them.

Just do all the dollars, right?

The Chinese dollar, the American dollar, the Australian dollar.

I'd run through all the dollars and they'd be like, you only know the dollars.

And then I, and then I get, start getting really deep.

I could make an event out of a night in Europe.

I could make an event.

I remember we were in Strausberg and the bar was supposed to close,

but I had friends coming to the bar.

They had the train hadn't gotten in, in yet.

And I said, I said, don't close the bar.

I'll stand on the bar and I'll entertain everyone in this room.

I'll dance.

I'll do whatever if you just keep the bar open.

And the guy goes, if you can keep me laughing, I'll keep the bar open.

And I danced and, and made this guy laugh on a bar for legit.

I'm not even like legit 30 minutes until my friends walked in and they're like,

what the fuck's going on?

I had this ability to, to, without humility.

I had mine looking like a fool and like doing, and there were really stupid

jokes at the time, just very like base American frat boy jokes.

But I had a spark.

And when I came back, I feel, I feel like I learned how to like,

to do that and do funny things that were like fun.

Like I would, we go to a football game and I'd, I'd, I brought a camera around

with me a lot.

I like to take pictures and I remember one of the jokes I'd go is I go,

hey, everybody, I told my parents, I have a lot of friends.

Can you guys gather around and we'll take a picture?

And so, you know, like 50 people would lean around like, hey.

And like just the dumbest, silliest things.

And, and, and I know, and I wasn't a big self promoter.

So these would happen.

And I would just, I was just doing them for me and my friends.

I'd bring a guitar out and I'd just make up songs.

And, and, and so I think in, in watching this, this serious bird get chipped away at

until my like six and a half year of college where it was just this silly guy.

And then Rolling Stones written about me.

And I'm like, and then I'm like, well, and I remember a couple of serious dads going,

yo, you got a chance to turn this into something.

You need to go to need, you need to follow your dream.

And I tried to stand up the first night and I was like,

maybe not wasn't the funniest guy, but man, they laughed and we had a good time

for 30 minutes and it worked and it was stream of consciousness.

And I was like, yeah.

And then of course, you know, that same little path you take gets

convoluted in New York cause you want to be a serious comic and you want to be

taken seriously and you want to be edgy and you want to say the,

and then slowly but surely that you're the real Bert chips away at it.

And he's like, yeah, man, just fucking take your shirt off, kill a beer.

Yeah.

Like fucking tell the machine story.

Tell the story about your stupid kids.

Like just, you don't need to be the fucking edgiest dude in the room.

Leave that to the good ones.

Let, let Bill and fucking Joe and Tom, they're the, those are the legit

fucking gangster comics.

They're, I mean, those are the fucking,

I'm, you're never going to out fucking Chappelle.

Those, those guys are fucking gangsters.

Do what you do.

Have fun.

Make life fun and seize the day and fucking try to bring a spark to people

and let them forget about their fucking day.

And the, the interesting thing about alcohol, I don't really like drinking

in terms of the actual physical, like how it makes me feel.

But there's the, the camaraderie that happens.

I wish there was another way to get there, but I don't think there is.

That joy you get of just everybody getting together and taking shots or drinking,

not the polite kind of drinking, but just everybody just, the fuck it kind of drinking.

Yeah.

And when someone goes, all right, I'm in.

Like that, that's the funnest.

And then especially when you have a big group and there's like a big group and

like we were at the premiere the other night and, and I was working.

I was legit working.

I had to, I'm trying to sell the movie to outlets, media outlets.

And a bussing with the boys, my wife flew them in to surprise me.

And they're over on the red carpet.

And they're like, yo, let's, let's scull a beer.

Let's kill a beer.

And I was like, oh, and then I'm like, oh, fucking, I don't give a,

this is what life's about.

And that moment where they're like, yeah, that's the funnest fucking,

especially when I can get Leanne to do it, when I get Leanne to get a drink and she'll,

and she's like, like, I was supposed to drink last night and she was like,

you want to just, we still have a glass of wine in the front yard and you're like,

oh, my heart skips a beat.

I go, glass of wine in the front yard.

Are we going to talk wild?

Are we going to say crazy shit to each other?

Like, fuck yeah.

On the front yard.

Front yard.

What are you doing in the front yard?

Let the dogs play.

Oh.

Big trees in the front yard.

Why are you sitting on the, where were you sitting?

Sitting in the, in the Adirondacks on the front porch, letting the dogs play,

letting the dogs rest in the front yard, maybe go over, pick some cherries,

look at the fucking trees, hear the wind going through the front yard.

And then you go to the backyard.

That's where the cigar comes out, a little more privacy.

But yeah.

Red wine.

Red wine, maw back.

Keep our soul fights low.

Yeah, wine is a whole nother one too.

I feel sophisticated.

Oh, yeah.

I traveled before Ukraine, I went to Paris for the first time

and drank wine there.

And I felt like I was a sophisticated man.

You know?

Dude.

You don't speak much French, but.

You don't need to.

You don't need to.

Let's just start smoking too.

Just have a fucking cigarette.

I was going to start writing poetry.

Dude.

Any Hemingway.

There's like a glass of wine in Italy and like, uh, like just out in, like we went,

we went, ah, the most beautiful fucking day of my life.

Just outside Florence, they have all the vineyards and stuff.

And we took a Vespitor.

And, uh, and it was fucking.

And Isla's too young to ride.

So she's on the back.

And now everyone can drink there.

You know, you're not supposed to drink and drive Vespas, but they don't,

they go, a glass of wine is nothing.

And you're like, okay, I guess I'll have a couple then.

If you think one's nothing, then I think two's nothing also.

So this is drunk Bert on a Vespa.

Drunk, not even drunk, but just lightly, lightly feathered where.

And it's beautiful.

My wife hasn't been drinking.

Georgia has.

Georgia's too young.

Isla is too young, but I had at dinner.

We had a couple and we're going through these hills and it starts raining.

And it starts raining.

And I go, Isla, what are we missing?

And she goes music, big boy.

And I go, what do you want to hear?

And then she just starts going.

I can't stop this feeling.

She's screaming it behind.

And then I hear Georgia screaming it.

And then Leanne singing it.

And then Sandy and her two daughters are singing it.

We're all in these Vespas and we're all singing it.

And I swear to God, if I hadn't been lightly feathered,

I don't know if I would have been like, Isla, what are we missing?

Because alcohol will give you that thing like, what's next?

What's bigger?

How do we take this to the next level?

And then I got this little girl who's still my little girl.

At that moment when she's singing, sing it.

All the good times.

And then we stop at the light and all of us are looking

and it's pouring rain.

It is, I mean, I remember sobbing, crying, sobbing, crying,

sobbing, crying.

And then I was like, let's get these fucking Vespas up

and get to a vineyard.

And then we went to a vineyard and all the girls tried a little wine.

No one got buzzed or anything.

But you're just sitting there with your family going like,

fuck, dude.

And I'm not certain you get that without a little bit of...

A little bit.

But then a lot is also interesting.

I had a lot of whiskey with Rogan once.

I think I saw that.

Yeah.

I think I saw that with Whitney, too.

And the push-up contest.

With David Gogh.

The only time I met David Gogh as a person,

one of the great embarrassments of my life is trashed out of my mind.

I'm trying to say how much of a fan I am.

And I could tell by the look in his eye that what's actually

coming out of my mouth is not good.

It's not good.

And his wife is embarrassed standing right there also.

Just everybody's embarrassed for me.

Man, I'm trying my best.

And then somehow I find myself a minute later doing push-ups with him

as a challenge.

Push-ups?

I didn't, it wasn't counting.

All I knew I'm not stopping.

And he was polite enough to stop.

I think probably like 50, I don't know.

There's a gift someone gives you when they get drunk

and they get drunk and they lower their guard

and they allow you to see them that way.

It's a gift.

It's a real gift.

It's just as cool as like pulling someone aside and going,

yo, I'm into anime.

Like are you cool with that?

And then they're going, yeah, oh, yeah.

Can I show you some cool anime?

And then you're like, that's not my thing.

But it's like a cool thing.

It's like sharing cool music with someone

or like telling them something about your childhood.

When you get drunk, like real drunk around someone,

you're giving them a gift.

And that gift is I want you to see me for everything I am.

You're not going to get any lies.

You're not going to get any bullshit.

This is me at my absolute worst.

I have a rule.

I will never, never get mad at someone for getting too fucked up

because they're giving you a gift.

They're saying like, yo, I did this on accident,

but I trust you enough to let you know

that this is who I am and this is what you're getting.

I love it.

I love it.

Especially when it comes to someone you don't expect.

Like you shut the fuck up.

David Gawkin should have hugged you and said,

thanks for showing me this.

Yeah.

I guess that really haven't, you're right.

I haven't thought of it that way.

Is there's an intimacy to that.

That is a gift of like fragility.

Like this is me.

I mean, I'm a very loving drunk, but I'm, boy, am I a dumb drunk.

I'm just I bet you haven't seen dumb drunk.

Well, dumb in terms of the eloquence of the words

that are coming out of my mouth.

So like you're just not stitching words together

correctly to make sentences.

No.

I turn into Hemingway loss in translation.

Like I'll start saying random words,

but like translated to Japanese and back to English.

It's not making any sense, but there's love.

Like I think what you feel is this kind of desire to connect

that I think I always feel towards other people.

But when I'm drunk, I'm just say fuck it.

I don't need to be polite.

I'll just be loving fully.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's it's cool when people let you see that in them.

Because some people are really like measured.

They're like, no, one drink and then I'm done.

I don't want it.

No, no, no, no.

And you're like, show me a little more.

And then like it's cool.

And I never like, I love my favorite moments in the next

morning when they're like, do I make an asset of myself?

And you get to say not at all.

Yeah.

Not at all.

That's the coolest thing.

Because some people, bad people will leverage that over.

Yeah.

You can see it's a bully tactic.

They'll leverage that.

The bad interactions I've had in this business that we were

talking about earlier, they were people that when you got

fucked up, they used it against you.

They held it over your head and they said, listen, man,

I don't know what the fuck.

But if you want, and you're like, hold on.

And then they made you, they gaslighted you into thinking

you were the only one that was fucked up.

And you're like, okay, I guess I know who you are now.

And I was like, didn't you get fucked up a little bit too?

Like, I know we smoked weed and I thought we ate Xanax,

but like, what about the, I know I had a couple beers,

but like, I wasn't that fucked up.

Well, Whitney's really good at that because she's the person,

I woke up next morning and she just said, you're wonderful,

you're eloquent, you're great.

I'm sure she was making that up completely.

It was funny.

I got blackout drunk at Whitney's roast of me, like blackout drunk.

Don't remember any of it.

And don't remember any of it.

Don't remember speaking on the microphone.

I don't remember talking in the microphone.

And I did this, that apparently.

Yeah.

And I said to Whitney, like in a real moment of vulnerability,

Whitney's like a sister to me, like a legit sister.

My daughters call her Aunt Whitney,

Leanne, she's like a sister to Leanne.

If she comes over to do a podcast,

Whitney will show up an hour early

and sit with Leanne out in Leanne's rose garden and just talk.

And Whitney, I said the next day I called Whitney

and I was getting on a plane

and I knew I was hungover.

I said, how bad was I last night?

She goes, you were fucking fantastic.

And just didn't let me sit with it.

And then I watched the video and I was like,

oh, I was fucking out of control.

I was way out of control.

Thank you for lying to me.

Yeah.

So while being a wild out there comic,

she's also this like caring and loving human being.

So interesting.

She has the most nurturing sensibility.

She is, she sends my daughter's gifts out of nowhere,

just out of nowhere.

Just send Georgia gifts up to college.

And just a gift box.

Like she is just, she takes care of people.

That's her love language.

And she's also the person that taught me

what the hell love language even means.

Apparently there's a book and there's like five of them.

Oh, you and Whitney.

I would love to sit in the fucking room and watch you two talk.

Yeah.

She has a robot that looks like her.

And that's the future, that robot.

I told her she should have that robot to porn.

Let someone fuck that robot.

And then she did deep fake the face if she wants,

but I go, promote a special that way.

Like a full on, not like show time soft core porn,

like full on porn porn.

Full on like the dude like, she's like,

hi, welcome inside.

You look tired.

Do you need a drink?

Yeah.

Oops, I'm stuck in the dryer.

What's the promotion you're most proud of that you've done?

Without a doubt, it's got to be when I took dance lessons.

Yeah, that was epic.

Because I tried to get Joe and Tom and Ari to do it for So Rocktober.

I was rooting for you.

And they said, no, Joe's like, absolutely not.

You knew Joe was going to say no.

But Joe's a legit dancer, like he can legit dance.

He took like dance lessons for a movie

and is apparently an amazing dancer.

And so.

You're right.

He could have said yes.

He could have said yes.

Because I remember listening to that podcast

where you really made the pitch.

Yeah.

And I said, we all take hip-hop dance lessons.

It's your cardio is through the roof.

And you do an hour dance lesson.

And then we all do a hip-hop dance.

And then we all put our hip-top dances against each other.

And we see who has the best hip-hop dance.

It's different than the typical stuff we do.

It's fun.

And we can also work out.

We can do everything.

But like, let's do hip-hop dance.

And Joe Adamly was like, that's a horrible idea.

I will not do that.

And then Tom and Ari, just whatever, they were like,

yeah, I side with Joe.

We'll do something else.

And then I was like, I knew I liked hip-hop dance.

And so I was like, I'm going to take hip-hop dance lessons anyway.

I'm going to just do it over sober October.

And I'm just going to, I'm going to fucking do it.

And then maybe, maybe I'll do a hip-hop dance video.

And then show it to them and let them rate me.

And then we did it.

And I, and it was $1,200.

And I, for hip-hop dance lessons for like a month or whatever,

for like a couple of weeks.

And then when we did it, I thought, you know what?

I bet we could put tour dates next to this.

Cause it's, it was, it turned out being like kind of good,

but kind of funny.

I thought we could put tour dates next to this.

And it was the beginning of me figuring out the whole, like,

my promos were short and quick.

And they were always like something silly.

What's up guys?

It's your boy, Bert Kreischer.

And then that one blew up and immediately,

I was announcing the tour and immediately every tour date

sold out.

And then every, we added shows that day we added shows

and every one of those sold out.

And I was like, whoa.

And then Tom was like, the fuck was that?

And I was like, I think I just sold out my whole fucking tour.

And, and then Tom, and then when Tom did his one like that

and put his tour dates on it, he sold out his tours.

And, and he was like, whoa.

He's like, dude, I sold out every fucking show.

We've added shows.

I'm doing like an arena here.

And this is before we were doing arenas.

I was like, shut the fuck up.

And that changed my game where I was like, all right.

So everything's gotta be, and then, and then I was like,

I don't mind spending a little money.

And then the next one I did was the marching band.

And I was just like, and, but it was, you know, it's real crazy.

I just said, can you guys get me a marching band?

And they were like, yeah, it's like, it's like $2,400 bucks.

I go, cool.

And they're like, what do you want them to do?

And I go, I don't know.

We'll figure it out.

And they came over and they had outfits and they were like,

so what do you want us to play?

I go, what song do you guys know?

And then they didn't even know each other.

They were all hired people.

And they were like, rubber band man.

And I was like, oh, sure.

Yeah.

And then we just scripted it out.

I was like, all right, I'll pretend it's a regular thing.

Let's go and wait till I walk out and then I'll blow a whistle.

And then you come out with the, and then, and then we got like

two videos out of that and that sold out dates.

And then I was like, fuck.

And then, and then, and then, and then the real baller one,

the fucking real one, the real one was,

I tore all the muscles in my arm going into,

into shooting the movie and I ripped all the tricep muscles off

and they were retracted.

So I had to go in for surgery.

And the anesthesiologist said to me the night before,

he's like, what music do you want going in, going under?

And I was like, what?

And he goes, you can pick your music going under.

I said, wait, hold on.

What is it?

Like, he goes, is it like casual?

And he was like, yeah.

I said, I'm doing a promo read going under.

He goes, what do you mean?

I said, I'll explain it to you tomorrow.

But I'm going to, I'm not going to count backwards.

I'm just going to do a promo read until I pass out.

And my phone's going to fall on the ground.

All I need you to do is hit stop record.

And so they rolled me into surgery.

I had red rocks.

I had only sold like 75% of red rocks, which is big.

It's 10,000.

It's the biggest venue I'd ever played in.

And I rolled in with my thing with CCR playing in the background.

And I just was like, I was like, I lay here on this mat

still terrified as I go into surgery.

I want you to know one thing.

I'm playing red rock September 10th.

And I started doing my promo read.

And he was like, yeah, I go Jimmy Buffett's there

the night before and the night after.

He's like, for real?

I go, yeah, you want to come?

He's like, hell yeah.

He's like, all right.

He's like, you're going under.

And he hits it.

I go, I'll sure.

And I dropped the phone, woke up out of surgery.

And the first guy said, where's my phone?

And he goes, you got it.

And Leigh Ann's like, I've already watched it.

It's good.

And I went for real.

And so that was a big one.

That was a big one too.

Yeah, that was genius.

But that was sort of opportunity kind of jumping in an idea.

Have you ever met Mr. Beast, Jimmy?

No.

So I got to hang out with him for a day

and listen to Brainstorm with the team ideas.

He kind of sounds like you, but on steroids in terms of like,

first of all, willing to spend any amount of money on an idea.

Like anything.

Anything is allowed.

Anything is allowed.

I love that energy.

The only thing is no like rated R stuff.

So he's really trying to go like for the broader audience

for kids and so on.

So that's the limitation.

So you can't do like most of the ideas that pop into my head

when anything is allowed is kind of dark.

But the point is to really aggressively brainstorm

every single day at the Y board.

Like what?

And he does that for YouTube shorts too, for one minute videos.

Really?

And just like really, like what is the coolest thing

we could possibly do?

I love that.

I love that energy.

And that energy, most people don't do that and they should.

Basically, YouTubers do that because they're obsessed about

this particular YouTube algorithm and so on.

And Jimmy is the best at that.

But like that can benefit you if you're a scientist,

if you're a comedian, if you're whatever, just go all out.

There's something really authentically fun about

just coming up with a really stupid idea.

And just going, let's see what happens.

Who gives a fuck?

We've had those like, I thought I could catch an arrow one time.

And then my wife's like, absolutely fucking not.

And I go, I really think I can.

I go, let's just get really close, shoot it,

and then I'll see if I can catch it.

And she's like, no, that's not what you're doing.

And then my cousin's like, hey, we could cheat it

to make you look like you caught an arrow.

And I went, what?

He goes, yeah, just okay, let's do it like this.

And so we did it and it got sold a ton of tickets.

It looked like I really caught it.

Everyone knows I didn't catch an arrow.

I mean, for the movie, we did a promo.

Legendary was like, you do all the promos.

And we did a promo and I thought I could slide out of my car

like Tom Cruise did in a helicopter and with roller skates

and get behind the car and then skate behind the car.

And we just ran over my foot.

And it was real and it was scary, but we just caught it all.

And in doing it, my cousin's like, give me the read.

And I'm like, my movie comes out.

Memorial Day weekend, I think we have to go to the hospital

and then we went to the hospital

and I'm in the Speedo with a helmet on,

one broken roller skate and then that did really well.

And so the whole thing is just turning the camera on.

You never know what's going to fucking happen.

And don't be afraid to look stupid

and all that kind of stuff just go all out.

Fucking ego is the death of comedy.

Like when you really give a, like,

if it's hard to be the coolest guy in the room

and still want to be a comedian,

it's just let yourself be whoever you are.

And you'll see the great ones.

They're like that.

They don't, you know, they're just regular fucking dudes.

And you get some real slick ones.

Like Dave's probably might be the coolest guy in the fucking room.

He might really might be.

But I think that's just who the fuck he is.

Who are the, outside your close friend group,

who are the greats to your top five?

Outside of my friend group?

So like for me, probably Norm MacDonald,

Mitch Heidberg, George Carlin, Thomson Gore, number one.

Oh yeah?

No.

Wanted to say that.

It's an interesting pairing.

No, Mitch Heidberg, David Tell.

David Tell.

David Tell.

Everybody deeply respects David Tell.

More than even his comedy.

I love the show where he was.

Insomniac.

Insomniac.

He's so good at just the natural comedy of human interaction.

He's a brilliant comic.

He's just a brilliant fucking mind.

Norm MacDonald is a fucking genius.

An absolute genius.

I mean, look, you know,

Chapelle and Bill Burr are the two best in our generation,

in my opinion.

And that's, you know, and that's understanding that,

like I'm still friends with some of the best in our generation,

but like just the way their brains work is really on a next level.

Like, you know, those are guys.

Stan Hope is the same way.

Just fucking genius.

You know, Rogan, Segura, those are my friend group.

That's my really close friend group.

But like those other guys I'm friends with,

but they're not like that's like, yeah.

Louis C.K.

Oh, Louis C.K.

Fuck, he's amazing.

It's hard to do because you start like forgetting the people

and then it's almost like people go,

oh, so you didn't like that person?

You're like, no, I fucking love that person.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, there's, for me, like Robin Williams,

was the whole other thing.

Oh, yeah.

Sarah Silverman, fucking, I love Janine.

I mean, I'm a fucking big Janine fan.

I love her brain.

Marin's fucking hilarious, you know?

Patton's brilliant, David Cross.

I mean, there's like, you know, it's really to ignore those guys

and those guys were like the whole forefront

of the alternative comedy front, they're fucking amazing.

Yeah, and the people that have like Marin or Joe

that have podcasts is interesting.

It's an interesting pairing because you get to know

like everything about them, but then they're also comedians.

And I've gotten, I've gone to Joe's club a lot.

I listened to Joe and just that whole group of comics

do comedy and go to the same set over and over and over

and to see how it changes.

It's really cool to-

It's the coolest thing when I first started to watch

someone like a tell was really brilliant at it

because you'd watch him tinker with a set.

Yeah.

And he'd have an idea like hitting someone over the head

with a hammer from behind.

And then he'd work it in nine different ways, you know?

And you'd be like, whoa.

So the hitting hammer in the head

is the thing that he's working on.

I hope Eddie Murphy comes back.

He's one of the greats.

Chris Rock.

Chris Rock's fucking bring the pain

is like the reason I got into comedy.

Yeah.

Do you have advice for young folks?

You seem like a stellar example of a successful human being

or more seriously a very kind of non-linear life.

Do you have advice for young people in high school and college?

How to have a good life that can be proud of?

Don't worry too much about what you do when you get older.

But when you do start worrying, find the thing you love

and it'll never feel like work.

The fucking, I can't imagine what it must feel like

to be a lawyer and have to read papers

or whatever they do all day and know that that's my day.

I mean, it must feel like what school felt like for me.

If you find that thing you love to do,

you will work endlessly, effortlessly,

and hardest fucking shit every day

and you'll love every day of your life.

Find what you love and let it kill you.

Mikowski said that.

For them, that's the fucking thing because that's what I'm doing.

I'm letting it fucking take, I'm on that fucking bullet train

to fucking nowhere on this fucking comedy journey.

I love it.

I love it.

So it's like the Hunter S. Thompson thing.

What is it?

However you put it, basically,

you're not supposed to end up in a well-preserved box.

You slide it in sideways, smoke, just beat up.

Just a giant mess.

I love those guys that can really live that life that are like,

yeah, man, I'm breaking it.

I'm breaking it down.

Like a guy like Tony Hawk or Matt Hoffman who's like,

yeah, if I don't fucking break the fuck out of this thing before,

then I'm not doing it right.

And then again, there's also Churchill who tried to break the thing

and he couldn't.

Lived into his 90s, a bad motherfucker.

Just a bad motherfucker.

So I guess the only hope we can have for Burr-Crisher

is that you're going to be the Winston Churchill of comedy.

My life has lived perfectly.

If I'm 95 years old and all my friends are dead.

Yeah.

And they're like, can you believe that wolf got Rogan?

Yeah.

Can you believe Segura 600 pounds and they had to carry him out

in a crane out of that house?

Can you believe that it's just Burr-Crisher and Joey Diaz left?

Just standing there in October.

So for October, just the two of you left.

Just laughing.

For October, it's just I'm 95 at the Mark Twain Awards

and they're like, Burr-Crisher still fucking here.

Who saw that coming?

I hope so.

Burr, I'm a huge fan of yours.

It meant so much to me when you said that you knew who I was

like we were talking about.

It just, it's so cool.

It's so cool.

Thank you for putting so much joy and love out there in the world.

I'm a huge fan and thank you for the love you give me.

Thank you, man.

I am a huge fan of yours.

You keep doing you.

I'll keep doing me.

And then let's see if we can meet in the middle sometime

and have a cold beer in the afternoon.

Love you, brother.

Love you.

Thanks for listening to this conversation with Burr-Crisher.

To support this podcast,

please check out our sponsors in the description.

And now let me leave you with some words from Hunter S. Thompson.

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention

of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body,

but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke,

thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming,

wow, what a ride.

Thank you for listening and hope to see you next time.

Machine-generated transcript that may contain inaccuracies.